The other day I was waiting in line for lunch food at a deli. The day was bright and sunny, the sky clear, and many people murmuring and talking with one another.
The line was moving a bit slow, and in a non-introverted moment (shocking!) I said hello to the person behind me. She was a sweet woman and as we talked, she said she had lost 80 pounds, several years before. She was happy, and proud of herself, because she had kept all that weight off.
She was the cutest! She showed me a photo of her adorable little dog, on her phone.
I said that it was funny that we met, because I myself had a brutal and troubling relationship with food in my past….and I am SO HAPPY that it’s completely and totally over.
Isn’t it fantastic to have ended that cycle? That it is eliminated from life?
She shook her head “no”.
“You never terminate the compulsion to eat. You have to be vigilant. You have to make sure to weigh yourself and monitor your food. I know it will be like this for the rest of my life. If I gain a few pounds, I immediately go into hyper-attention mode.”
Woah. OK.
I didn’t say anything about recovering from an eating disorder or any eating issues of any kind, after that. She appeared certain that this was her lot in life…vigilance.
For the rest of the day, off and on, I thought of this brief encounter with a stranger. I had a tender feeling of compassion and sent her a hug through the airways.
Not that she needed my help, because obviously, she had rocked the house and made major changes in her life….
….but long ago when I was sick with the anguish of compulsive overeating, bulimia, self-starvation, and fear of gaining weight…
…I wanted total and complete freedom from the obsession. I believed I could have it.
I never gave that up.
I wanted to go beyond managing my life, my threatening thoughts, and treating myself like I could topple of the edge of the cliff at any moment into a binge….to genuine trust that who I was, at every level, was and expression of love, trust and joy.
Including when it came to the simple act of eating.
The truth is, that now….I’m “normal” when it comes to food, like a person would be who never had any food issues. I never think about food with anxiety or pain. I love eating and do it with gusto.
I threw out my scale twenty years ago, but now, I don’t even “sneak a peak” at the scale when I’m at the gym. It doesn’t occur to me. I have exactly the same clothes, in the same size, for years. I throw worn out clothes away.
It is over, it seems. For years.
So. What’s the catch? How did this happen?
While I can never say 100% (since I am not the ruler of the universe, ha ha) the thing that I HAVE stayed vigilant about, that I DO feel compelled to look at every single day, is my thinking.
And I’m here to say, that when you look and question your negative, repetitive, agonizing thoughts….
….they seem to become less agonizing.
It’s like you’re giving them the respect they deserve.
Last week in one of the Year of Inquiry groups (Yay YOI!) someone said that they sometimes get a little overwhelmed with THOUGHTS.
There are so many! I’ll never get through them all! One falls away, and another one appears!
I get it. It seems true. It really does seem that there are endless amounts of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, observations, or memories that produce suffering.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that there’s no solution?
Oh boy!
Hands clapping because it does NOT seem absolutely, endlessly true! It’s not absolutely true that the mind SHOULD quit thinking, or that life would really be better if I did! Or that I can never find peace, with a mind that is thinking, thinking, thinking!
It’s not even absolutely true that I need to be fearfully vigilant about my thoughts….because they just pop up. They appear.
And now I LOVE working with them.
When I don’t believe they are true, when I don’t repeat them, or when I do The Work on them, they dissolve.
I feel peaceful.
Are you ready to move from discouraged, beaten down, feeling like a failure about your relationship with food, eating and your body….and take a dive into the most painful beliefs you have about eating?
Because that’s what we’re going to do, starting Friday.
We meet via teleclass for 8 weeks (no class December 6th). 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific time.
Yes, we meet the day after American Thanksgiving because that day is often very important for reflecting on food, festivities, eating, and getting support.
Wherever you are, you can dial in on the phone or with skype.
“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.” ~ Byron Katie
If you are out of sync with goodness, when it comes to food and eating, then let’s question your thoughts.
You have to want to take a look, to see the pain, to sit with it and see what you’re really thinking, to write it down.
But if I can do it, you can do it too.
I know that when you have that sweet relationship with yourself, then food is an added pleasure in life. Definitely an over-the-top grace.
Every bite an incredible gift.
Much love, Grace