Night before last, while still in California after the beautiful retreat I was offering ended, I went with my delightful host (her home was where our Eating Peace Retreat took place) to see one of the gazillion spiritual teachers in the Bay Area.
The gathering was sweet, small (maybe 25 people) in a gorgeous old mission-styled building in Berkeley. The three-quarters moon shone brightly.
For about half an hour, we sat savoring silence.
My eyes closed, I could hear people entering and shuffling behind me, yet feel the sweetness of space, quiet, a centeredness inside that’s here no matter where this body goes.
Outside, satsang….Inside at the center, dark sweet quiet.
This lovely teacher (Pamela Wilson) was sitting in a soft red chair, facing the rest of us in the audience. She was gentle, with a kind voice and a darling smile and long straight light-colored hair like mine. She didn’t speak long before asking if anyone had a question.
I love watching and hearing how a guide at the front of the room works with the questions from an audience. She had a kind approach, soft and motherly voice, unassuming yet clear, without hesitation, periodically suggesting people give an internal “bow” to anything they’re observing, including the mind.
She suggested bowing especially to things we object to. You just give a little bow, from the heart, on the inside, and no one has to know.
Isn’t that sweet?
Towards the end, I raised my hand, although I honestly had no question.
As the microphone made its way towards me, I thought “I better think of a good question” but mostly what I wanted was to speak “hello”. I wanted to know how she came to discover this sweet way with the world. I was so curious about her journey, which I knew nothing about.
“But you can’t ask her about herself….you have to ask her aboutyour spiritual journey whatever that is….so you leave with a new tidbit for your toolbox.”
With the mic in my hand, I started explaining, saying “here’s where I used to be, here’s where I am now” giving my assessment of my “spiritual” journey and she was someone who might comment on how I’m doing so far.
Afterwards, I thought….”Why didn’t you just have a real, more honest talk and share in the moment rather than ask for advice All About Me And My Journey? Why didn’t you go ahead and ask her about her experience the way you wanted to?”
After sleeping deeply and well, when I awoke the next morning, my mind turned to the memory of this moment the night before and watched the feeling of a mild version of “I did it wrong” appear.
Funny how this little thought can be tiny, or enormous, and cause immense suffering depending on how sure you are it’s true.
Can you find some moment or some experience where you thought “I did it wrong?”
Just about everyone in the Eating Peace Retreat I just facilitated had many times thought they did it wrong with food. They did it wrong with eating, with a meal, with a binge, with a diet, with a compulsive moment, with their bodies, or with their weight.
When you have a lot of proof that you did it wrong a terrible feeling can come over you, in this moment now. (As your mind scans your life it sees you, at many different ages and different moments, doing it “wrong” perhaps).
Even in that tiny flash of experience I recently had, asking the spiritual guide/teacher a question, my after-thought was I did it wrong. So funny to recognize this familiar idea, repeated over a lifetime.
We’ve all heard of the idea that you can’t do it wrong, or you can’t make a mistake….but we sure don’t always believe this idea, right?
No way
I’m sure I could have done better, we’ll say. I screwed up. It was a bad outcome. I definitely did it wrong.
But let’s investigate to see if it could be absolutely true we could do it wrong, and it’s a terrible thing this is so.
The best way I know how to get to the heart of it, and explore, is to land on a specific time and place in your life where you really believe you DID do it wrong.
I can go to the moment at satsang. You can go to your own experience where you think you did it wrong.
You did it wrong, is that true?
Yes, Grace, you did.
You made way too much noise in the head. You didn’t stay simple and true to yourself. You rambled. You made no sense. You were float-y and using retarded terms like “this is taking too long”.
What is “this” you were talking about? Why would you confess you have a thought about the pace of time “this is taking too long”….or sound like you’re trying to get somewhere, like an awakening in the future when you already know that’s ridiculous? Why would you try to explain your “spiritual” journey when you basically don’t even know what that is in the first place, really? Why talk about yourself when you actually want to talk about her instead?
What a dunce.
Question Two. Can you absolutely know something went wrong
Can you absolutely know all this chatter, so intent on the wrongness of Grace’s question in that moment, is wrong itself?
(Out of the wrong-ness blossoms the idea that even thinking I’m wrong is wrong).
How do I react when I believe this idea and follow the trail or line of thinking that there is something “wrong” or inadequate or not enough or missing…..and even that thinking something is wrong, is wrong?
(Hilarious).
The way I react is I see whatever “me” is as disappointing. Less than enough. This moment is missing something. Like there’s a gigantic buffet of wisdom in that room (inside the spiritual teacher especially, and the two hours we have together) and it is not a part of me.
She has it, I don’t.
Like I remember with food and eating and the way it used to feel for me (not enough, wrong, too much, never just right). I am empty, not full enough, I need more. And I need it fast. There may not be another chance.
But who would I be without this belief that something wrong could occur? Without the thought I said it wrong, or did it wrong, or did it less than ideally, or I didn’t get what I needed, or I didn’t get fully satisfied, or I wasn’t able to ask the question the “right” way so I could take in information and feel the fabulous sensation of tasting and getting enough?
Who would you be without the belief you did it wrong?
Yes. Even that BIG thing you did wrong?
What I notice is that right now, not much is happening. I am typing and the mind is streaming these words as I wonder, pause, feel fingertips on computer keys, sense this body, notice mind flashing pictures of people I’ve met and love, or the bright smile of Pamela
You might look around and see what’s happening, now
What’s the opposite of “I did it wrong”
I did it right
Couldn’t this be just as true, or truer
Of course
If you really think about reality….how could it be any other way? It’s what happened
It got me here, to this moment now.
Much love,
Grace