You can make the wrong decision….is that true? It’s YOUR decision….is that true?
The other night, my husband and I got in the car as the sun set, on a glorious warm spring evening here in Seattle.
We were headed for an annual event, a great friend’s birthday party–always lively, full of music, dancing, conversations, costumes, re-connecting, joking.
And then I said….”Wow, I’m kind of tired. I’d almost rather stay home and rest and hang out with you.”
I had been on a road trip that very day, driving a couple of hours to another town with my daughter and mom to tour the same college I graduated from–a bit of a memory-lane experience for me. My daughter was accepted there, but not so sure she wanted to attend.
It had been an emotional day, a day full of feelings, long-forgotten images.
I had told several other friends, who always went to this big shin dig every year, that I wasn’t guaranteed to be there, because of this college visitation day.
I knew after a long day on the road, heading out for a party might not be on the top of the self-care list.
Right when I suggested out loud about not going…..my husband said “Really? Well, if you don’t want to, I’m COMPLETELY happy to turn this car around and go back home.”
Six minutes later, we were back home.
We were both asleep by ten o’clock.
At 2:30 am, I woke up thinking about my former life in college and what a strange, uncomfortable, self-destructive, anxiety-ridden time it had been, whether or not my daughter would be OK if she attended the same school, all the fun I missed at the party that night and the people I didn’t get to see, the final IRS payment I needed to make for taxes, my upcoming Eating Peace retreat next week.
Fortunately for me…..I could feel the Not-True-ness of the wee-hours thoughts, and I soon fell back to sleep again.
But it reminded me of how painful it used to be to think I made the wrong decision.
I should have gone to a different college
I should have been more mentally healthy when I was in my twenties
I should have gone to that party last night
I should have chosen a more solid career earlier in life
I should have married an entrepreneur long ago, or a playwright
If you’ve ever thought you made the wrong decision, it can be a horrible feeling if you think the consequences or outcome is BAD.
Not long ago, a young woman wrote to me saying she needed help, she was filled with such regret about saying “no” to a man who asked her to marry him.
He went on to get married to another woman.
Her heart was broken, she said she felt desperate, devastated, like she’d made a terrible decision.
But who would she be without her belief her decision was “wrong”?
Who would any of us be without the belief that our past decisions were the “wrong” decisions?
What if we truly didn’t know? What if it was not true? What if it went the way it went for a very important reason?
Who would you be without your story that it should have gone differently, and YOUR DECISION was the cause of your suffering?
Even though you have a voice, and you did say “no” and you were the one who walked away, or you were the one who chose (apparently), you were the one who said “yes”, you were the one who did or didn’t follow a path, you were the one who turned left….
….who would you be without the belief this was all up to you.
This doesn’t mean it was someone else’s fault suddenly. This is more like, who would you be without it being anyone’s “fault” at all?
What if it should have gone just as it went?
Can you find anything, whatsoever, coming out of that decision and how things unfolded, that benefitted your life?
I notice, when I look at what resulted from my decisions, and trust the way life ran itself, many good things came from every choice (and I’m not sure it was ever “me” solely choosing anything, to be honest).
That college gave me support, kindness, and attention that no other more competitive environment had given me. I graduated. I grew more honest. I dated a very loving boyfriend. I had an amazing therapist who lived in the town of that college who taught me the art of journaling to get to know myself.
My mental suffering led me to a passion so deep for understanding the human condition, I was lit up with learning ever since. My career was awakening, what could be more thrilling, and why would I want anything more solid?
I should have married exactly who I did, and NOT married exactly who I did not. I should have married myself (the practice of a lifetime, and pure joy to be married to “me” now).
I should not have gone to that party the other night.
It was a beautiful, restful, gentle night of silence, wondering, making peace with my college days, making friends with thinking, meditating in the night, spending time with my life partner husband in great connection, watching the rest of Mooji (one of my favorite teachers) miraculously on video even though he was in India and I was in Seattle, feeling the space of inner peace deep, deep within, feeling grateful.
Can you find, in this present moment, what is OK about it, no matter what decision you ever made?
YOU made that decision, is it true?
“When you believe you can make the wrong decision…you’re in past, future, past, future…don’t worry about the present, just past, future, past, future!….The universe will give you what you need. There are soooo many advantages. If you’re of sound mind, how could you possibly believe you made a mistake?” ~ Byron Katie video clip youtube
Every thought somehow, lately, feels less true than ever, and fading into oblivion.
Without this moment having anything wrong with it–including a past decision?
Presence, here now. Life. Joy. It is a feeling in the very center of anything that could be thought.
So touched by my latest Peace Talk conversation with Debra Wilkinson, awakened and bright (and free from nutty eating, a freedom we share).
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eating peace
Next week I’m off to California to teach Eating Peace near Oakland, starting Friday 9:30 am. Join me if what you really want is to understand what makes you eat (or think) out-of-balance without trying to destroy your cravings, or yourself, on the way.
Why do I mention this idea about destroying cravings?
Well…..isn’t it what we’ve all wished for, or tried to do, unsuccessfully? The cravings sure don’t have to be about food. they can be for anything.
We wish we’d stop wanting or thinking about “x”, we go to war and try to kill the craving for “x”, but the image or desire for “x” keeps returning.
I got to work with a lovely inquirer just yesterday, on her cravings for potato chips. This is not the first time someone has come to a session to inquire on craving, specifically, potato chips.
But you can do this on anything: chocolate, sugar, tobacco, alcohol, sex, gambling, cleaning, internetting, working, exercising, wealth.
The feeling is “I have to do this”.
You won’t feel settled, calm, and relaxed until you get or do this thing.
I often found inside myself that this deep craving, and the activity of pursuing it and feeding it (literally, for me) was my reaction to a belief.
If you have NO IDEA what belief you’re thinking that would drive you to ingest something or do something whacked like spend $1000 on credit cards you don’t have, then take a moment to do this exercise. The inquirer working on her craving for potato chips did this with me yesterday.
Invite the craving to take a physical shape and form, like a person.
What does this being look like?
Did you hear the knock on the door? Say “come in” for once, instead of “get lost you creep!”
Have them sit down with you, like you’re doing a therapy session with them, or a special heart-to-heart conversation, or a mediated talk.
Tell the craving you’re sorry you’ve been trying to kill them all these years, and now….you’re willing to listen.
Get out your notebook, like you’re an amazing world famous journalist, and start writing.
What color is this craving? Where does it sit, in relation to you (and especially when it was around and you wound up getting overwhelmed by it)? What is its temperature? What shape is it? Where is it moving? What does it remind you of?
If this craving had a voice, what would it tell you?
Ask it why it’s here? What’s it trying to help you avoid? What’s it trying to help you get, that you think is missing right now?
When you think about the last time this craving visited you, what else were you upset about, or worried about, or thinking about….that the craving needed to come visit?
What do you believe, if anything, that you can’t handle? What do you believe is really honestly missing, in that moment where you needed to do something, or eat something?
What was wrong with that moment, that getting this thing or doing this activity would soothe?
These are some very powerful questions.
Questions that help you get curious about what’s going on, instead of remain at war.
Because what I do know about war with reality is, you lose.
And craving/grabbing/reaching/wanting is a part of your reality, right?
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
~ Brene Brown
No, this is not about giving in to your cravings and gobbling everything in sight for the rest of your life.
It’s the opposite.
This is about dealing with them once and for all.
It’s not easy, but discovering the infinite power of your light is no small thing.
What are you without the belief you’ve made a mistake, done it wrong, or that you’re bad?
“If I had derived my identity from what the world was telling me, or what my mind used to tell me, I would have been a total failure. Then…a total success.”
I had to chuckle while listening to the brilliant Eckhart Tolle as he said these words, describing himself first at age 50 and then a few years later, after his book the Power of Now had swept the world and become a best seller.
He was talking about this Self, whatever he apparently was (which he no longer believed anyway).
For most of us, we have moments of feeling like failures, or successes, and everything in between.
Have you ever felt like you failed with a partner? Failed with your kid? Failed in “x” area?
(I often hear about failure from people who have struggled with addictions–someone just wrote to me this morning, for example, pleading for help with her eating disorder).
My heart goes out to people when they feel this self-criticism and negativity, this torture about being who they are.
I am bad.
I know it’s hard to do The Work on ourselves, but let’s look today….it’s what appears today for inquiry!
If I really ask myself about this idea of being bad, whether I am bad or someone else is bad, I notice I have this equal and opposite urge to move into the idea “no you aren’t, stop thinking that, you’re good, it’s OK” and wanting to soothe.
Both sides of that BAD coin don’t really feel that great, though. Not thinking you’re bad, not thinking you need soothing and fixing.
Not if YOU are the bad one/failing one….or if someone ELSE is the bad one/failing one.
So let’s take a look.
I am bad, a failure.…(here’s my proof: I’m acting too negative, I’m co-dependent, thinking about “x” too much, Not Present, not being the perfect spiritual person, too critical, a procrastinator, not organized enough, not living up to my fullest potential, didn’t make enough money, didn’t plan well, not succeeding, mediocre, eating ice cream, drinking coffee, watching netflix, etc, etc, etc).
You’ve got your thing you’re failing at, right?
Bad Job.
Is it true?
Well…..yeah.
I mean, look at her, him, them. Do you see those people? Those are SUCCESSFUL people.
Now look at me. See what I mean? I’ve had a whole lifetime and my sisters are doing “x” and I have a midget-sized house and I never get my book done and there are all these incredible people making a million dollars (not me) and I never learned a second language and I haven’t done a Ted Talk and…..
You get the idea.
You may notice you have moments in time where the way you spoke with someone, you considered “bad” or “failure”.
But are you sure it’s absolutely true that YOU are bad, wrong, a failure in that situation?
Who is the You who is answering this question?
Who is the You who you’re looking at, the bad one? Where is this person? Where is this person right NOW?
How do you react when you believe the thought you’re bad, wrong, you failed?
I don’t know about you…..but it’s a dark, cold, sinking, thick feeling.
I can hear it when I’m facilitating people who have this thought. They report that they feel sick when they believe this thought, or depressed. Or, like the person who wrote to me today….they’re frantic, desperate, suicidal.
Now, pause.
Who would you be without your thought that you are bad, you did it wrong, you failed?
Yes….as you watch yourself and your mind fill with images of the past and the mistakes, and images of the future you’re worried will happen….
….who would you be, even if you’ve got pictures running through your head, or voices chattering on the inside….
….who would you be WITHOUT believing this thought?
Just hold still for a minute.
What is happening right now, without any idea that you’ve done something wrong, or anything bad, or bad-ness is part of you or what you are in some situation?
You might still feel some feelings, like sadness, or very afraid, or nervous, or dull, jumpy, thick.
You feel how the energy is moving and where it floats and what happens to it, without the thoughts you’re bad. Close your eyes and feel it, feel everything here now.
Do you feel it? Just the sense of pulsing, and being alive, and what it’s like to not be so sure of your mental evaluations of yourself?
What if you just did not know what was true about “you”?
Kinda funny. Makes me smile, actually.
Can you turn this belief around to the opposite?
I am not bad. I am good. I am ____. I am.
Ooohhh.
“The body reacts to your mind. The body believes your thoughts to be real. Mind patterns often create fear. The thought creates the emotion because you’re totally identified with the thought. The body responds as if the thought is reality. The body can’t tell the difference, what you think affects the body. By seeing thought as untrue is the only way to become free. You can only see it as untrue with awareness. Without awareness, the thought swallows up your entire consciousness. Simply allow everything to be here. Allow the feeling to be here. Without feeling you shouldn’t feel it either. Allowing it….brings awareness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
I notice the sense of “bad” or “good” is ever-changing, coming and going, here then not here.
I’m getting so excited for my trip to San Francisco area to teach Eating Peace for 3 days. The perfect sized group is forming for this supportive, beautiful, gentle and incredibly transformative time to investigate and be with food, eating, our bodies and our thoughts.
You may have tried everything to lose weight, to stop binge-eating or graze-eating, to end this love-hate relationship with food, to love your body as is.
But most of us know these days, with so much deep wisdom emerging in the past several decades for everyone…..
…..that ultimately any weird relationship with anything or anyone, including eating, is a cry for help and a symptom of turmoil inside.
It’s not easy to face your pain. In fact, it may hurt.
But let me tell you, it sure is easier than working so hard by trying to avoid it, shove it under the rug, hide it, or destroy it with mass psychic weapons. This requires immense energy.
What a relief to not be run by your painful thinking, your painful memories.
Watch here today to hear me talk about feeling this pain, and finding relief.
When you first stop, it may feel terrifying to NOT do your usual behavior. But soon….it becomes a huge relief.
Soak in Inquiry and Hotsprings at Breitenbush June 22-26, 2016
It’s time!
BREITENBUSH time! I just found out today that registration is well underway and we’re filling, including two men already (sometimes I get the question, how many men are attending)? It’s an absolutely lovely group.
Breitenbush is in the lush old-growth forest of Oregon in the most glorious fairyland you’ve ever seen. A place for mind, body, spirit renewal…the dining hall serves three amazing vegetarian organic meals per day, there are mineral hotsprings and sauna for soaking, and you have your choice for accommodations including adorable little warm cabins. June 22-26, 2016.
An incredible time for identifying what’s going on within you that you find disturbing, where your stressful thoughts come from, and learning and practicing the powerful four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.
Our retreat is called Declare Peace, and my wonderful assistant and friend Susan Beekman brings her big heart, clarity, and long-time experience in facilitation of The Work to our group. Limited to 26 people, and we do sell out. Make your reservations soon to get the best sleeping arrangement. Come soak in inquiry…and peace.
24 Credits for Candidates in Institute for The Work, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals (Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work). Forward this to friends. Would so love to meet you!
(Secret surprise….everyone who comes to Breitenbush gets free access to Summer Camp for The Mind, the follow-up online camp of five calls per week, you can dial-in any time and keep on doing The Work July and August).
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What a victim.
Seriously.
Did you hear him say that?
I was having a conversation, on the inside of my own head, about one of my first clients when I first started out.
This client had one complaint after another. My terrible childhood. My horrible ex-wife. That awful accident. That ridiculous family growing up.
All the reasons why he screwed up and failed and can’t get a job, or can’t support his kids, or can’t quit smoking, and why he was an alcoholic for many years.
He’s such a victim.
Yeah, I agree 100%.
Refer him to someone else.
No kidding, he’s outta here. I am never meeting with this guy again!
My mind was already chattering away based on about three hours of being with him (three sessions), declaring that his perception of being alive was like a theater on 1st avenue downtown….
….All Victim All of The Time! Victims Come On In–Open 24 Hours Day Or Night! Nobody Loves Me! Nobody Cares About Me!
Ew.
Can’t he see how sorry he feels for himself, like he’s missed out when all these other people got the breaks?
I especially love the victim story of how he got accepted to Yale but his parents wouldn’t pay tuition, and he would have been classmates with “x” famous person.
And how his former wife created real war against him.
Such a shame, shame, shame, such a shame.
That’s his trumpet call….or maybe the oboe or the cello is more like it. Oh wait. The violin, that’s right.
But while this energy began to rise, sitting in his presence….listening….I also had another voice.
And I’m not talking about the voice that says what a mean, nasty person I am for being so harsh and presuming to know what’s best for this guy (he should stop being such a victim! duh!) or that I’m so horrible and un-spiritual and holier-than-thou and I should be more forgiving to this person and all sentient beings and stop being such an ass.
No. Not that voice. Not the Spiritual Advisor Voice.
Those two used to fight it out all the time. Getting nowhere, I might add. (You may have noticed this within yourself).
This was a new voice, a new sort of energy.
It had the feel of….
.….“Hey, do you notice how annoyed you’re getting with this man? This is worthy of inquiry. This is one of those places to look. Feel it. Find out what’s going on. Listen, listen. Don’t give up so quick about ever seeing him again.”
I remembered how some people I had thought of as the biggest victims in the world, who had really dreadful stories they could keep beefing up forever, surprised me with their wisdom and insight after doing The Work.
Or, not even that. They didn’t “need” to do The Work….they could be themselves and NEVER do The Work if they didn’t want to, and they showed me something unique and interesting. A wall I hit up against. A closet I needed to open.
So I remembered, for some weird reason that was not planned and not expected and I wasn’t “trying” to be “good” in my thoughts (thank God almighty) to be there with him, without my story.
Like a whisper.
Who would you be without your story right now, as you’re looking into this person’s eyes and sitting with them and watching them try to express how hurt they are, and how disappointed, and how full of despair and how hard it is to have the world done them wrong, and what a mess it all is?
What if I didn’t know why this guy was here, wanting to do The Work with me, but I assumed it was GOOD that he was here, with me…..FOR ME?
Wow. Yikes.
Interesting.
It didn’t mean I have to invite him to stay longer than an hour, or come back next week for that matter. Or ever see him again.
“Let’s slow down, and look at what you’re thinking here” I said.
“Let’s look at one single thought only, in one moment in time, in just one situation you’ve mentioned.”
He looked up, as if out of a trance.
“OK.”
He stopped talking. I suggested he look down at his worksheet and fill it out. He was sitting there with a blank worksheet, and 15 minutes had already passed into the hour-long session.
Now, it was dead quiet for a few minutes, while he scratched away with a pencil.
Later, I filled out my own worksheet on him, going backwards into that moment when I felt like I couldn’t stand another whiney comment.
“He should stop being such a bloody victim.”
Is it true?
Yes. Yes. Yes. I hated that energy, that story. So sticky, so needy, so addictive. Everyone else’s fault.
Can you absolutely know it’s true he should stop being such a victim?
Can you absolutely know he IS a victim?
Oh.
Wait.
You mean….he might not be a victim? Well, that’s crazy. Did you hear his stories?
I took a deep breath.
I suddenly noticed something profound. I had joined in believing almost instantly that he WAS a victim, and he should therefore stop.
I could only assume he should stop being that victim over there if I assumed he actually was.
Was he?
Could I absolutely KNOW it?
Yikes….but did you hear the highlights of his life, his tone, his attitude, his powerlessness, his……
No. Even though he was practically trying to convince me (and it basically worked, I realized, for awhile) I did not KNOW for sure he was a victim.
How do I react when I believe he’s a victim, or anyone is?
Strangely, I want to attack that person. Like I actually want to smack them away from me.
Sitting more deeply with this reaction….it’s a fear. I feel myself getting sucked into the story, I want to resist, I don’t like this dark story, I don’t like the river of They Did It To Me, or Life Is A Bitch.
I want to kill that story, like they say in the newspapers.
So who would I be without this thought that he’s a victim, and he should stop?
Wow.
It feels a little detached. Is this OK?
It feels like a gulp of grief in the throat, but a knowing where this is all going is actually very mysterious and very unknown. I might even hear what he’s saying and know he is a life force sitting here with me, right across from me, sharing this air and space and time and moment, just the way the floor, the carpet, the clock on the wall, the bookcase, and the doorknob are sharing this space in this moment.
Who would I be without the belief he’s had it bad? (And, it’s OK to imagine this thought, I’m not betraying his story or making it wrong that he’s telling it).
I’d be with him the same way I can be with the flower on the table.
Sort of in awe at how strange, how pretty, how unknown this living thing is, and feeling it alive with me fully in this moment….knowing it will also be gone soon, and this is the Way Of It.
Without the belief in Victimhood, and how it should be avoided (ha ha) I notice how we made it this far, both he and I. No idea what’s going on. But we’re sitting together. Here. That’s it.
What’s the opposite? What’s the turnaround?
He’s not a victim, and he shouldn’t stop being what he is, either.
Kinda funny, right?
Let’s look.
He is not a victim. He’s powerful, he’s life, he’s a creature, he’s sitting there making noise called “words” and “talking”. Why not? It’s a free country!
(I see a lightening flash image of a kid in my fourth grade class joking around. His white teeth bright as he smiles and laughs, running away towards the ball….”it’s a free country!!” and we’re all laughing, some kids shouting protests, everyone set loose with the joy of playing).
He should be exactly the way he is, in that moment.
I shouldn’t be a victim, not of his story (thinking I need to brace against his words like they could bother me), and not of my own version of the world and my Bad Stuff Happens view I get into if you give me just a teensy reason to worry (it doesn’t take much).
Why should he be as he is?
Well, it appears people go through rough events, to say the least, in this world. He’s reporting about his experience on the front line.
Grieving about these events is powerful. It helps them be expressed and moved through. We all know the “keep it to yourself” story doesn’t work so good. It often leads to suppression, addiction, ticks.
Why should this man be as he is FOR ME, the one apparently playing the facilitator role in that moment?
Because I got this amazing chance to question Victim-ness, in someone sitting across from me.
The most amazing turnaround is that he shows me….myself.
What I’m against. What I think I can’t handle.
Can I allow him to be just as full of complaints as he is? Why not?
Can I allow myself to be just as full of my complaints as I am?
Doesn’t that feel lighter and easier and less controlled?
Ha ha. Yes!
“What happens when we drop all the labels, all the learned descriptions, and face the raw energy of life, as it is in this moment, without trying to change, escape from, or cling to it? What happens when we drop all descriptions of what this moment is or is not and deeply feel into present sensations? This is where the real adventure of life begins…..It is the falling away of all ideas of how this moment should be.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
This moment (the one back then) should have included a man telling me a long story of his own powerlessness, suffering, and how it wasn’t his fault.
As he reported about his life, I felt my own resistance and instead of attacking it, or him, or me….I did The Work.
Isn’t what I always wanted was to have moments where my ideas would fall away of what someone else (and what I) should be like? Isn’t facing the raw energy of life, this client and the whole scene that went with it, a pretty easy way to drop labels and stories?
Thanks, client, for being just irritating enough that I had to go on the inner adventure I really wanted. It’s called Laughter and Gratitude.
Nice.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Got someone who bugs you? Retreat is an amazing place to turn it around with inquiry, silence, looking, and sharing with others. Come to Breitenbush in Oregon, or the 3 Day spring retreat in Seattle. Breitenbush is on early-bird special until May 1 (an amazing $100 off for $395 for 4 nights plus meals and lodging) andspring retreat is $395 for 3 full days in Seattle (no extra fees). This is a blast. The best kind.
Where the real adventure of life begins. A questioned mind.
We have ways to make you do that task. (Believe your thoughts)!
As someone who has a private practice, it’s weird how often I notice thoughts about Employment vs My Own Business.
The other day, one of my clients who has been working with me for a very long time, wanted to dig deeper into her thoughts about work and jobs and career.
She was at a crossroads, had been sitting there for awhile, and through the work we had done together she was wondering if she should go left, or right.
She needed to take action.
(She needed some money–although we had done quite a bit of work on that over time and she was fairly relaxed about money overall, and had a good chunk of it in the bank).
But “doing” something was calling to her.
I had her make a list about her beliefs about getting a new job, or starting her own business (she saw the choice between the two as a key dilemma, or decision).
I’ve done this work myself.
I decided to do it again, after my day was over and this client kept popping in my head.
Here are the stressful concepts I myself found when it comes to the two ways to make a living and earn money, which have been my primary options in life (so far):
Being Employed (Job):
Having Your Own Business:
Commuting
Volatile Income
Co-workers
Taxes
Required meetings
Hustling to fill retreats
Doing tedious or pointless tasks
Difficult (or irritating) clients
Must be onsite/at work
DIY (Do It Yourself or Hire It)
Five days a week
Working all hours, any time
Boring
People wanting it for free
As I sat down to make comparisons, I could see how fast the mind would like to see what’s good about that other position over there, and bad about this one.
Or….what’s good about this position here, and bad about that one over there. (I love how this comparison drops in quickly when hearing about another person’s difficult plight, or remember BAD scenarios from the past).
Every single item on each list is worthy of questioning and clearing the mind, with The Work.
But the other day, when I wrote out this list, I had an almost-aggressive feeling about the pointless, tedious tasks I used to have to perform at my previous job, as I remembered it.
Data collecting, and putting the data into an excel spreadsheet.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved having the data–it was quite fascinating, and I loved making the charts and looking at comparisons and sort of the big picture, and sharing them with the leaders involved who cared about these results….
….but I HATED that I had to do the data entry.
Yuck.
SUCH A DRAG! NEVER AGAIN! (Grrrr, RESIST).
Can’t someone else do this? It’s so stupid. And boring. A waste of my time.
I hate when you have a job, you’re an employee, and you have to do stuff you hate!
This is so close to the work my client did….let’s question it!
You may have had the same thought as well, about anything in life you dreaded doing, thought it was boring, thought it was repetitive, dull, annoying, even overwhelming…..
….but you HAD TO DO IT.
Is that true?
Yes. It’s in the job description. I could get fired if I don’t…..
Are you sure?
No. I’ve never told anyone how much I hate doing it. Not one single person at this company. Including my boss.
How do you react when you think “I HAVE to do this task!”
I put it off. I wait until the last minute possible. I try to think of rewards, or motivation, or what I’ll do when I’m done. I do it, and bear it rather than enjoy one ounce of it. I feel tense, and tired. I look at my co-workers and see what they’re doing, and notice it’s better (or worse).
I think about quitting. Inside my head, I actually say “when I quit, I will feel sooooooo good….” and dream of the day, in the future.
But who would I be right now, without the belief “I HAVE to do this task”?
What if you couldn’t think about how you’re forced to do it, or it’s required, or it’s necessary, or fundamental to success, or that you better do it, or else (big disastrous picture)?
Without this thought of being so against this task, what my client noticed was she might ask for help, ask others if they’d be willing to do it, work with a partner, find support, or even ask other people what they suggest about how to do this task stress-free!
As my client did The Work, I realized *ping* how I never, ever asked my boss if there were any alternatives to me doing the data entry.
I always went to all our meetings, especially our annual review meetings (the ones all about me and my performance) with anxiety, with a sense of wanting to be extremely pleasing, dreading any criticism.
I was so on the defense from receiving criticism and trying to be perfect, that I didn’t ask for support or talk about what I didn’t like, or even consider what I’d like to do more.
Wow.
Turning the thought around:
You do not HAVE to do that task.
Could that be just as true, or truer?
Yes, for me in my situation, I didn’t “have” to do it. No one was holding a gun to my head. I wanted to keep my job. I wanted to get praised. I wanted to be thought of as the one who did it right, and did it well, and didn’t make requests.
I kept doing it! This job was many years ago, and it only occurred to me during this client’s recent inquiry that I never explored one other option, not once, than Doing It.
Who believed they HAD to do it?
That was me.
Kind of coo-coo bird, how much I blamed the job. But I didn’t know, until now, to question that thought and stop being such a victim. Must be perfect timing…now.
“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie
