The misery of picking and choosing how others act….but it’s only in your mind, don’t worry

As my hands hit the keyboard, fully ready to finally write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (basically, all the stormy and disturbed thoughts I had about someone very close to me) I wrote with a vengeance.

I type fast anyway. But it was time to spill it out “on paper” (writing on my laptop).

Pausing between questions, letting it come out through my fingers, I was downloading my broken heart, even if it sounded vicious and nasty. I felt like a child crying and having a tantrum.

Which is the spirit of the work and this first step.

Allow the fear, pain, anxiety, despair to rise.

Touch it. Open the door.

It’s kind of weird, because the mind could say about this writing down all your thoughts that it does NOTHING! All you’re doing is WRITING. WE NEED CHANGE! Run for your life! Kill the pain!

Sometimes, you may have noticed once or twice (ha ha) that although there is a great desire to have the pain numbed or killed….

….it isn’t, it can’t, it won’t.

And the expressing of it….oh what freedom. Oh what a relief. You get to write it all out. How fabulous it is to be unhindered, and let out your most childish, ridiculous, unhappy thoughts. It’s OK to do so. Step One: write down your stressful thoughts.

I felt like a victim, like this other person I loved so dearly was cutting me off. Throwing me into a ditch never to be communicated with again.

What’d I do? I am innocent!

She shouldn’t abandon me. She shouldn’t cut me off. She should trust me. She should be kind. She shouldn’t be so sarcastic and nasty. She shouldn’t email some fake excuse. She shouldn’t resort to silence.

Fast forward to several years later.

I’m doing The Work on someone who frightened the bejeezus outta me, who acted slightly like a stalker. It appeared he really needed the contact we made, he was super intense and very communicative (like, the opposite of someone cutting me off) and full of praise and loving words….except, slightly worshippy or over-the-top. Exclusive. Special.

This friend had said he took home the cup I drank out of after we had tea together in a cafe.

Huhn. That’s kinda weird, I thought, at the time.

Or very weird.

And now, I’m in the middle of doing The Work because there was more. All of it felt a little off, or a little too….too.

I kept interacting. I’d have some wonderful moments, some strange confusing moments, of communication. I continued to feel a little weird, and scared.

Guess what eventually happened?

I cut him off. I abandoned him. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t feel kind. I was sarcastic and nasty (in my thinking). I emailed a fake excuse. I resorted to silence.

Oh.

The turnaround appears, a long time after, but here it is.

Now, who am I without the belief that I should be doing it differently, that I could have done better, I should have communicated more directly or honestly, I should have been more clear, not cut off, not done it the way I did it?

Who am I without the belief that something has gone terribly wrong….as this turnaround appears in all its glory and I am now standing in the very shoes, and doing the very thing I believed someone else did to me.

I review why I resorted to silence.

Because it seemed like the way of the greatest integrity. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt scared. I didn’t really know all of what was going on, it simply felt off, weird, out of balance. I couldn’t find words, exactly. But I knew to go, the best way I could. I knew not to be too nice, or engage when I didn’t enjoy it.

Yes, I might have been more honest, absolutely. I could have been more direct, earlier. I could have spoken up with the first whisper of something not feeling right somehow, but I didn’t. I could have done The Work sooner, and I just couldn’t reach the full truth somehow.

But who would I really be without the belief I made a mistake and shouldn’t have ever gotten involved with the Adoring Fan in the first place (only to move away, later)?

I’d remember what it feels like to be confused, curious, scared, head spinning. And that in the middle of all that noise, it’s very smart to take a break and enter silence.

Nothing wrong with silence.

Without the belief I did it wrong, when I stopped responding to someone, I’d feel kinder towards the one who stopped responding to me. Maybe she felt the very same way.

What if, in relationship….with anyone….there are no rules?

What if there is no “here’s how people SHOULD act” or “this is what niceness or kindness or generosity SHOULD look like” or “here’s how love HAS TO appear” or “this is what a friend is” or “this is what a sibling is” or “this is what a parent is” or “this is what a lover is”?

What if I did not know what any of it was supposed to look like, and I simply let it unfold before me, like a fresh unknown wild road into the mist…..no expectations, no plans, no control of any of it, no demands?

Wow.

I notice, without expectations for how people are supposed to act, we’re all acting as best we can, with what we have. We’re really doing so brilliantly.

So as I did The Work on that mean awful person who cut me off and wasn’t speaking to me (and never has since)…..

…..I realized what a genius she was, what an amazing, powerful, honorable person. She saw me as quite influential, she honored me as a force of nature worthy of getting away from (and I could question this). She honored herself for needing space, silence, freedom, a fresh look.

I don’t hate the storm. I simply move inside for shelter. I actually am amazed by it, the wondrous movement, the energy, the chaos. Exhilarating, and maybe scary too, but not in a bad way.

The thing is, I can make guesses as to why people do what they do, but then….The Work brings everything back to me.

I have no idea of why they are doing what they do. My responsibility for sanity, is mine. There they are, doing what they do.

The question is, what do I do, that expresses the greatest love.

(Hint: it isn’t beating the hell out of myself, or getting mad at myself for what I did wrong, or feeling ashamed for being such a child or so full of hurt about being abandoned, or overwhelmed, by other humans).

They shouldn’t abandon me? Turned around: I shouldn’t abandon myself. I shouldn’t go wildly into their business. I shouldn’t lose my footing, or love, or appreciation for silence. I shouldn’t abandon them (especially when they abandon me). They should do exactly what they do.

They shouldn’t overwhelm and engulf me (the opposite of abandon)? Turned around: I shouldn’t overwhelm and engulf myself in their presence. Yes, I shouldn’t be so scared, I don’t tell the truth. I should ask questions if I have them. I shouldn’t assume the worst. I shouldn’t overwhelm them. They should do exactly whatever they do.

A quote from Matthew in the Bible reads that Jesus said “how can you say to your brother, ‘let me take the speck out of your eye’ while there is still a beam in your own eye!”

With The Work, I see how I have an impulse to say to others “act like THIS, not like THAT” so I feel happy.

LOL.

Beam, planks, logs stuck in my own eye apparently. So many, in fact, I’m not even sure I could see the speck in theirs.

I see now, their eyes are their own business. Reality’s got it handled.

It’s even got the planks in MY eyes handled, turns out.

“The Master lives in the center; the immature live on the edge of things, unsatisfied, always reaching for what is not. The Master live in harmony; the immature pick and choose, accept some things and reject some, and make themselves miserable trying to control the world. When things seem to be in discord, return to the center.” ~ Tao Te Ching #34