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It shouldn’t have happened

umbrella
An umbrella in the storm of suffering thoughts: The Work

The rain’s been pattering down all day long, fresh and alive. Not too harsh, not cold, not driving. But very steady.

Kind of like the sharing and entry into The Work for Day #1 of retreat, right here at Goldilocks Cottage in the northwest.

Now, in the evening, I sit quietly in my empty living room, only myself apparently here, listening to the sound of drops coming down on the roof.

Today….the lovely group of participants sharing this time together looked at the thought “this shouldn’t have happened, shouldn’t be happening”.

Somehow, this excruciatingly stressful thought appeared for questioning, and we did it together, in circle, popcorn style.

If you’ve never done inquiry “popcorn” style it can be a wonderful way to share and weave together a group from the start. Because everyone does it together, listening, speaking, contemplating.

How it works is the stressful belief is dropped into the room.

It hangs in the air, and everyone thinks of a moment when they really thought it was true.

Yes, that moment there. I really thought “this shouldn’t be happening”. It thought it so big and wide, it was so awful that something was happening, it was a terrible situation.

As everyone found their internal image, and pictured a memory, a moment, a future fear….

…I asked the four questions.

Popcorn style means, people simply speak out loud when they have their answers appear. Maybe two people speak at once, and one naturally waits for the other. The pace is usually slow enough where one speaks, there’s a pause, another speaks.

We all get to hear what it’s like to feel and think this stressful thought, and what it’s like without it….the Great Exploration.

I thought of my own moment, when a good friend flipped out and said I wasn’t being a good friend, I wasn’t coming to the rescue, and that he was coming over RIGHT NOW. (I remember reading the email and having a massive jolt of adrenaline run through me, and the urge to jump in my car and drive away, just in case he meant it).

What about other words people are saying that hurt, deeply? What about silence from someone you love and miss, who’s cut you off?

What about sickness? What about painful childhood memories?

It shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have had to experience that. I shouldn’t be experiencing it now.

Is it true?

Gulp.

Um….yes?

I really don’t want to go through that again. It was so frightening. I don’t like it when people go crazy. I want calm in my life. I want peace.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, it shouldn’t go that way? It shouldn’t be like that? He shouldn’t have done that, said that? She shouldn’t have acted that way, called you that name?

Can you know it’s true he shouldn’t have gotten cancer and died?

Yikes. This is serious questioning. It seems so true.

Yet….I personally have no idea. I look out into the world and see people getting sick, yelling, saying things, doing nutso things, committing violence. I look out into the world and see hurricanes and storms, tsunamis and destruction. They say a stormy wind is coming upon the area I live in two days, the biggest in 50 years.

I don’t LIKE these things, but I really can’t know they shouldn’t ever happen.

I notice when I think they shouldn’t and I get really wound up about it, it’s very painful. I suffer. Deeply. Extremely.

Who would I be without the belief it shouldn’t have happened or gone that way?

This fourth question can be difficult to even begin to find an answer, when something quite horrible has occurred.

All you need to notice at first, perhaps, is that you are not thinking it shouldn’t have happened every waking moment of your life.

Right?

So you DON’T have the thought all the time, already.

Even if you feel quite traumatized and upset, and worried and you’ve seen the thing reoccur in your mind’s eye over and then over again….

….you can wonder what it’s like, and explore it as a possibility, without the belief it shouldn’t have happened. Just a little bit.

I notice, without my belief that difficult day when my friend was going “crazy” with a mental breakdown (I’m the only one calling it that) all that ever happened was me reading an email.

I never saw the friend, physically, in my presence.

I didn’t know how to respond, so I waited, and waited, and waited to reply….and I didn’t reply until the following day, and life went on. I realized I had no idea what was actually happening, and I didn’t need to be involved, and I sat in the unknown, and I noticed I had no idea what was true or untrue, and my fear died away, and all was entirely well.

In reality, that very day of reading the scary email, I worked joyfully with two clients, I greeted my kid when she came home from school, I went to the gym, I bought groceries.

The friend never appeared hammering on my door desperately, like I saw in my mind (like he said he might do).

I notice reality was very kind, and very quiet.

In your situation you might be seeing something loud, and terrifying, and physically painful….

….so from this moment, now, can you find how it’s over? It ended, even as you believed it should never have happened?

There is some point when it stopped happening. Your wish was granted.

I find this helpful to notice.

This is not about denying and pretending something very hard didn’t exist, but only to find a sense of balance and peace, and clarity in the middle of this reality.

If you can find how many minutes you’ve lived, without the thing happening, this is great to realize. Many more minutes have been lived without the event, without that incident, without that person saying those words….than WITH it happening. It came to an end.

Turning the thought around: It should have happened. 

And yikes, don’t take this the hard or wrong way. It’s not said with blame, rage, like you deserved that difficult and terrible situation.

This is only to see if you can find anything that came from it that works for you, anything it offered, anything it invited you to learn, any way it brought expansion, presence, awareness, strength, love, kindness, acceptance, surrender into your life?

For my situation, the friend going mad and writing to me he’s coming over, desperate, demanding, frightened….

….it should have happened.

What are my examples?

He found another, quicker, better way to peace. I did The Work on the thought he needed my help (only mine). I became much more sharply clear about how extreme that person felt about his life, and about my potential role in it.

It showed me something unexpected, something I needed to see.

Other things I’ve believed shouldn’t have happened, I notice have had interesting, heart-breaking, but amazing and new and loving things come from them.

If you can’t find turnarounds yet, that is….examples of why it should have happened, I recommend putting the idea on hold….

….but being open to see if something occurs to you, in the future.

If it was a friendly universe, why would this have happened?

The death of my father, for example, was one of my very first inquiries.

I could see, as I investigated that powerful experience I will never forget from so long ago (he died of leukemia) that he got to be freed out of a body, I learned to stand on my own two feet (slowly, but surely), I became skilled at giving myself my own good advice, and that he didn’t die entirely–only in his physical body–so I talk to him often.

He also showed me how to let go of something that felt unsupportive and filled with suffering, and trust death as well as life.

Getting there, still.

“When a belief hit me, I would sit and write it down and put it up against the four questions and then turn it around. That first year, I was writing all the time, crying all the time. But I never felt upset. I loved this woman who was dying through inquiry, this woman who had been so very confused. I kept falling in love with her….You can’t stop mental chaos, however motivated you are. But if you identify one piece of chaos and stabilize it, then the whole world begins to make sense.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy

Thank you to all the people coming to retreat with me. I get to fall in love with you, quite literally, and the whole world begins to make sense….

….even the painful thought “that experience shouldn’t have happened.”

Much love,

Grace

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They’re ignoring me…and I’m ignoring her.

leftout
Are they ignoring me? Or is it just my imagination?

One of my favorite things about The Work is the way it encourages us to use our imagination!

We’re already using it, before The Work, to scare ourselves, get worried, get angry, feel powerless, feel sad, be unhappy.

So let’s expand that imagination to a broader, more inclusive, more trusting, more good-feeling perspective. The other side of duality, in this dual world of opposites.

But this doesn’t mean “try” to be positive, and to go straight from “I hate this situation” to “I love this situation” without inquiry.

That’s super hard, and not very respectful to yourself.

Someone asked me recently, what kind of positive affirmations or sentences do I tell myself, when I feel distressed and I want to ground myself in feeling better?

I had to chuckle inside. Because I wouldn’t tell myself one single thing that was a positive affirmation, or a pep talk, that I didn’t believe or hadn’t inquired into first.

I’m not sure I ever even think of telling myself positive things on purpose.

The person who asked me this then went on to say that she was on a long vacation with her extended family, and from the very first day she began to feel uncomfortable with quite a few things she was observing in all these family members.

Grandchildren were running across the street without their parents restraining them. Her adult children were gazing at their cell phones, and the teens were constantly snap-chatting with friends back home in the US. Older folks were holding up the group, or getting ditched by the younger set–resulting in people losing each other in crowded European piazzas. Siblings were acting rude during meals, and ignoring her.

What she then told me was that she decided on about the second day to Say Nothing.

“There was no point. It’s just the way it is.”

Hmmmm.

The opposite of Arguing With Reality is not Being Resigned To Reality with a chip on your shoulder.

I asked her if she wanted to try The Work, since she was asking me about it and wondering if I used positive affirmations. She agreed.

One of the most pressing, repetitive thoughts she had about several of the people in her family was….”they are ignoring me”.

They care more about “x” (cell phones, emails, themselves, their friends) than about this vacation. They don’t care about me. The last trip was much better. I may as well have stayed home.

Ow.

This really hurts, when you believe it.

I asked her, is it true they ignored you?

YES. YES. YES. (She explained more about what they were doing, the way of the world these days, the neglect, the spiritual void of lacking an ability to be present, the rudeness she witnessed).

Inside a part of me had a little edge of a feeling….“She should slow down. She should relax and answer the questions. She shouldn’t explain and find additional proof for her stressful belief.”

“How do you react when you believe the thought”, I asked her, “that they’re ignoring you?”

She explained how she reacted by saying nothing, never one word, never asking for what she wanted. She didn’t bring up her complaints. She didn’t speak her regrets. She didn’t make her requests.

Too furious to speak. Too unhappy. Too upset.

I get it. I’ve been there.

It’s painful to believe I can’t speak up about how I’m feeling, because if I do a fountain of unhappiness will burst out of me. I’ll disappoint them. I’ll make it worse.

Wow, it’s rough to be so caught between a rock and a hard place–I can’t talk, I can’t Not Talk, and be happy.

I asked her who she would be without this belief that they were ignoring her?

She answered immediately: “it’s impossible not to have this belief. The world is like this now. People don’t care about each other. Everyone wants to look at their phones. It’s never going back.”

As she spoke, I could feel the pain of having zero hope, and no ability to really find one drop of what it would be like to not have the thought, in the presence of people ignoring you. To really not have the thought “they are ignoring me” (even if they are).

But then she said something swiftly, and lightly, even if just for a second “I’d notice the amazing place I’m sitting. I’d look around.”

I realized as I did this work right alongside her, that it is very possible someone is ignoring her, whatever that means exactly (not paying attention, not caring, not connecting, not loving, being dismissive, being interested in something else besides her).

But it doesn’t mean she has to think and believe the thought herself.

She could barely stay in the question “who would you be without this thought?” She was out of there in literally 2 seconds. She was back into how awful to be ignored, how sad, how ruined the vacation.

So we kept moving….into the turnarounds.

“I am ignoring myself” in that situation. Could this be as true, or truer?

“Oh YES!” she replied after considering this turnaround. She saw how in that situation she buttoned her lip and said nothing and got really small over in a corner, and quiet, feeling left out and distant. She ignored her own desire to connect more closely, and to ask others to walk next to her, or put away their phones for awhile. She might have thought of all kinds of solutions that would offer a sense of closeness, rather than distance and resignation in her situation.

Wow.

It reminded me of believing there’s nothing I can do, in some situations, except withdraw, back away, separate myself.

It’s like the way I used to believe in dieting. Just go without. Starve. Avoid pleasure. Go hungry.

The only cure for this body problem, was to suffer silently. I never questioned “there is a problem”—is that true?

Yikes.

We looked at the turnarounds “I am ignoring THEM” and “they are NOT ignoring me”.

This inquirer’s answers were No, I can’t find any examples. They WERE ignoring me. And I was NOT ignoring them.

Right in the middle of that situation, me facilitating her, facilitating myself, facilitating inquiry on the thought “they are ignoring me” I felt the impact of “ignoring” or thinking of something as wrong (like someone not being able to find any turnaround examples).

What if what is happening, including these questions and these answers right here in the middle of The Work, are exactly what is supposed to be happening?

What if for this woman, the only turnaround that’s valid and helpful in that moment was the one “I am ignoring myself”?

What if I kindly and openly did not ignore her, as I facilitated, or ignored myself either?

What if what she was aware of, and clear about, and learning as she answered four strange questions she had never answered before….

….was just the right amount of ignoring, and awareness.

All I know is, it’s easy to love what’s happening than it is to hate it.

“The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Prejudice of any kind implies that you are identified with the thinking mind. It means you don’t see the other human being anymore, but only your own concept of that human being. To reduce the aliveness of another human being to a concept is already a form of violence.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much love,

Grace

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The light at the end of the tunnel could be….in your past.

lightintunnel
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is exploring your past, seeing where the stories were born.

The third question in the four primary questions of The Work of Byron Katie is….

…”How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?”

Wow, what an interesting question, you know?

How do I react? What happens? When I’m thinking ______ (fill in the troubling thought) what is it like? What goes on inside me? How do I actually behave on the outside? What’s it like being in the world, when I’m thinking this thought, and feeling it to be true?

Good lord.

It’s a big huge question, even if you only ask it about ONE single stressful thought.

This past week, the new Year of Inquiry inquirers gathered to listen to whomever was speaking, and to contemplate their own answers, even if they didn’t talk out loud.

Who are you, without your stressful belief?

Often, sitting with this question, we consider what images appear, what we remember, what this reminds of us.

One inquirer had a really stressful thought.

I should go to work. 

(Even though I’m in physical pain and basically can’t).

Wow. I remembered having this thought about so many jobs. Extreme guilt. Feeling like I should go. Not wanting to. Am I sick enough to stay home? I should buck up and go. People will be disappointed. What if I feel better in two hours? Then I’ll really be guilty.

Agonizing debate on the inside.

During question three (how do you react, what happens when you think this stressful thought?) the inquirer remembered, just like it happens so often, a moment in childhood.

Mom wants me to do something, wants to force me to do something, is verbally sharp and abrasive and abusive. I have the very same feeling, standing in the presence of mother as I do with employer. I should do it, even though I don’t want to. I’m being forced. I can’t really discover what I want, or what’s right for me, I have to do the “right” thing. For them. There’s no good outcome or solution that works for everyone. I feel small and powerless.

Ouch.

An incredibly powerful exercise, when these flash images come in, sometimes traumatic, sometimes long forgotten, sometimes very painful:

Become willing to sit with that memory, that situation, that feeling, and write a worksheet on it.

Go back.

I like to call it FOO.

If you say it, it lightens things a little. FOO. Family of Origin.

I know these memories are sometimes very foggy, dark, uncertain.

You’re happy it’s been so long since they happened.

But these origin stories are very powerful for inquiry, if they set you off into patterns or imprints where you suffered with the same flavor of story over and over again.

Just remember, it’s safe to look at them now. It may even be safer to look than to not look.

As Byron Katie invites, so many times I’ve heard her say this: Mother, Father, Sister, Brother.

Watch your personal history movie.

Do The Work on those people who influenced you early. See what happens.

It will be good.

“Babies are not born into this world of illusion until they attach. When you’re clear, it’s wonderful fun to observe it. I love being with my grandbabies. I love hearing all my lies! ‘That’s a tree.’ ‘That’s a sky.’ ‘I love you.’ ‘You’re Grandma’s precious.’ ‘You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.’ All these lies, and I’m having a wonderful time. If it doesn’t work for them, they can question their stressful thoughts. I am joy. I’m not going to censor any of it.” ~ Byron Katie on Parents and Children

I love finding out what I started believing, that wasn’t true. And of course, the great thing about The Work is….you only have to question the stressful thoughts.

Keep the fun ones, just like Katie.

If you’re interested in entering four days of The Work in north Seattle at my Goldilocks Cottage, we’ll be questioning thoughts from start to finish, and throwing in exercises to help us all go back, back, back, back.

(Can you hear the cheerleaders shouting? Back! Back! Back! Back!)

October 13-16, 2016.

This one is non-residential, but if you’ve coming from afar, we’ll help you find a close by hotel or place to stay with others. Seattle is a special, sweet place in mid-October. The weather is mild, the summer crowds are thinning. Everything smells like rich earth and dew. When the sun comes out, it’s brilliant orange.

When we go in together, gathered in a circle, we share the most amazing insights as we do The Work. Everyone is welcome, beginners to experienced. You get to start from exactly where you are, with whatever disturbs you in your life. You’ll get to go back, in your mind, to previous history or memories to take a look, but only if you want to.

Present issues, past issues….all are welcome. We’ll have some special invitations to take a look at the old ones, if you’re ready.

Read all about it here.

Much love,

Grace

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Stab yourself with a knife, or question your thinking….which one’s better?

romeo&juliet
The story of love….a tragedy…. ….or, you could always question your beliefs

Love Relationships. It’s complicated.

Or so it seems.

So many people come to work with me on relationships. And I’ve done The Work myself on so many people.

Love relationships are one type of connection or story we have huge ideas about….

….and many of them are deeply stressful.

Have you ever thought to question some of those big, horrible, frightening thoughts that are so old, they go back quite a few generations?

Things like in my household growing up.

Thou shalt not sleep all night together, or go to sleeping actuallyplanning on sleeping all night, until married.

Thou shalt not say anything sexual in front of your elders, or refer to sex, or act like you’ve ever been interested in sex, or, lets be honest, make elders aware that you’ve actually heard of sex.

Thou shalt not be attracted to more than one person at a time.

Thou shalt make a vow and never break it.

The funny thing is, all joking around aside, you suddenly realize what beliefs you’ve adopted about primary love relationships, the ones that include sexual expression or attraction, when the “law” is broken that you assumed was in place.

It’s upsetting to have a “thou shalt not” broken by someone else you’re apparently connected to, and it’s also upsetting if you yourself have broken the law.

Right?

With the work, you can question the law, and find out truly what is right for you.

Beyond laws.

Because one thing I discovered fairly early in my life of dating, hearing about commitment, learning about marriage or pairing off, considering living together, spending time alone, spending time together….

….I really didn’t want to be in prison, or for a partner to feel that way either.

Or have it feel like there was a list of what was legal and what wasn’t.

I wanted to feel free. And loving.

And, I wanted to find out what really worked for me in the most deeply honest and authentic way possible. Attraction, not promotion (as the wonderful 12 Step Program says about itself and it’s organizational structure).

I’ll never forget the several times in my life–I can think of four almost immediately–where someone I really liked and assumed I was connecting with said they were leaving, changing, updating the relationship in a way I didn’t like and didn’t expect.

I was devastated.

You shouldn’t change your mind. You shouldn’t do that. You shouldn’t leave. You shouldn’t ever hurt me, reject me, criticize me, need space, get interested in someone else.

I know. Kind of embarrassing. Not such a free bird after all. Not so easy-going and all-accepting. Not so pure and un-commanding.

No.

In fact, I was livid.

A memory.

I’m dating this new man after getting a divorce that took several years to work through and come out of, with inquiry, a more interesting, powerful, clear person than I ever once was when it came to love and romance.

I still have a few kinks to work out when it came to love, let’s put it that way.

This guy I’m dating has shares with me on one of our three-hour long phone calls, like I’m his best friend, that he had a fabulous weekend and unexpectedly met someone and slept with her.

He’s not even sure of her real name, everyone had wild weekend workshop names. It was fun, but not great. He’s pretty sure he never cares about seeing her again. He feels a little weird and numb. He’s done this kind of thing before, but it never feels that great afterwards.

??????

I practically gasp on the other end of the line. I try to hide the sound.

My stomach feels like I’m going to throw up.

I listen kind of numbly to his experience.

He’s going on about how he felt so weird afterwards and didn’t want to sleep in the same bed all night with her. He was definitely troubled.

Part of me, the one with the Thou Shalt Not Sleep blah blah if we’re dating blah blah it’s very serious blah blah this relationship isn’t what I thought blah blah is having a HEART ATTACK.

I’m practically hyperventilating later, after getting off the phone.

But something inside also is watching and seeing this charade of story go by.

This is not in the Relationship PlayBook of Rules. He is not supposed to be doing this, says a very convinced voice.

Another voice is almost chuckling, saying this is not so bad.

Now, I’m not saying it was fabulous, or that I think the whole thing unfolded in the highest integrity for everyone involved.

However, I saw thoughts screaming to be questioned in that moment, about relationships.

I was saying “Please, God, not MORE about relationship, can’t you give me a little break? Time out? REALLY?”

I was also seeing right in that very moment, there were a few thoughts between me, and peace. Some very old, thick, dusty, sad thoughts.

Worthy of questioning without any motive at all. A part of me that wanted to know the truth. No rules.

He should not have moved to someone else. He should have stayed with me.

Is that true?

Wail! YESSSSS!

But can you absolutely know it’s true?

Well, first of all, we’ve only been on 2 dates ever. He lives in another state. Are we even dating? We’ve made no claim or signed any contracts (not that it would make a difference, really). I’m very clear I don’t want him to meet my kids or come visit me in my city.

Um. Right.

Freedom.

Is it absolutely true he shouldn’t have done this?

Not at all.

How do you react when you think the thought?

Like the floor is dropping out from under me and I have zero support and I’m being abandoned and I’m a victim of a terrible, terrible, terrible situation. I’m a tiny potato. Unworthy. Unloved.

Undeserving.

Jeez.

I played Juliet in the Shakespeare play in college. I actually cried, a tear flowing down one cheek, in one of the productions. That was a PLAY. I was the lead character. I killed myself. This feels like a play, too, somehow.

So who would I be without this belief, that he shouldn’t have done it?

Wait. Seriously?

But.

What about The Relationship Play Book Rules.

You mean.

What if there were no relationship rules about people not doing things like this, and all it means?

How will we survive!?! Won’t we all run around hurting each other constantly, failing, killing ourselves, throwing up, feeling rejected, having hearts broken?

Well, I notice WITH the belief, these things happen, and I feel this way.

So why not try on how it feels WITHOUT this thought?

Without the belief it should not have gone that way. Without the belief it was all bad, all terrible, all hell, all trouble. Without the belief in this being so devastating, drastic, unloving, disgusting.

Who or what would I be without the thought he shouldn’t have done it?

Huh.

I notice this spark of light cracking through a very, very old mountain of thick cloud cover called Relationship Rules.

A light coming in.

He should have done it?

Woah. That’s the first turnaround.

How could that be just as true, or truer?

He should have, because first of all, he did. It happened. I didn’t even know about it until later.

But I can take it much further. He should have done it because that’s his mindset. Something about it felt like his only choice. He should have done it because he doesn’t like committed relationships, he’s said so. He should have done it because he’s exploring and expanding. He’s seeking contact. He wants sex desperately. He doesn’t like rules, and isn’t really a happy person either. He’s also showing me what works for him, what doesn’t, and it’s easy for me to see then what works for me!

I turn it around to myself: I shouldn’t have moved away from myself, and gone towards another person.

Very true. I left myself. I felt super dependent on him and the fantasy I had about us getting closer and becoming a couple (after 2 dates, I know).

I shouldn’t have thrown myself after him, feeling needy, grabby, hungry, alone, hopeful. Way too much reaching towards someone else, and not me.

Turning it around again: I shouldn’t have moved away from him.

Well. I suddenly wanted to get as far away from him as possible and I called him a sick mentally ill pervert in my mind.

Yup. I had imagined he should be different, like some kind of Prince Charming (who followed all the Relationship Play Book Rules of course, taught to me by my parents and culture).

I shouldn’t have been blindly seeing someone I wished for, rather than the real person I was talking to.

The fantastic thing about that whole experience is it didn’t end the usual Relationship Play Book Rules way.

There was no phone slamming down, or screaming and gnashing of teeth (well, OK, for a few hours I was all alone doing that). There was no reality TV show with chairs being thrown and all my friends agreeing how I’d been done wrong. There was no grief period of suffering and being tormented. Deciding never to date again.

Instead, I called friends in The Work all day long, took a “sick” day off work, and literally questioned my thoughts for six hours.

I came out of that a free woman.

Not someone who had to send mental bombs to his area of the world to blow up, or someone who wished terrible things on him, cursing his name.

But completely free. Free to come and go as I pleased. Free to discover what love is, what support is, what loyalty is, what joy is, what openness is, what acceptance is, what forgiveness is, what clarity is. For myself.

I discovered I really love sharing one committed partnership, but not because anyone thinks it’s the “right” thing to do. I’m open if my mind and heart change tomorrow. I loved exploring and learning what worked for me, without old conditioning and outdated playbook rules.

I interviewed and studied other people’s choices, facilitated people with The Work, learned about what makes people happy and unhappy.

(Hint: when they’re unhappy, it’s because they’re believing thoughts they don’t really, really think are true).

A day after doing The Work all day long for many hours on that incident, that situation, I could genuinely say (with only a small whisper of worry)….

….”I am willing to have that happen again. I look forward to that happening again.”

Why?

Because it shows me who not to date. It shows me very cleanly and clearly which direction to move. It shows me the joy other people get in experimenting or testing or making changes.

Every time someone I thought I was committed to (he is mine) has not done as I expected, it’s ultimately opened my heart and soul up to a far vaster and greater source of support and love than I ever imagined.

The Work brought this awareness on in a day. Not a decade.

If you’re suffering from relationship change, loss, abandonment, fear….

….do The Work.

You could be amazed. You might see that Relationship PlayBook go up in flames.

Or, you might realize you love some of those rules, but not because they’re rules….

….but because you love.

 “The ego has no options. It can protest all it wants, but if God moves, it moves….As I noticed the falling-away of the self and saw that its construct was absolutely invalid, what remained was humbled through the recognition. Everything dissolved–all that I had imagined myself to be. I realized that I was none of it, that everything I’d stood for was insubstantial and ridiculous. And what remained from that fell away, too, until finally there was nothing left to be humble about, no one left to be humble. If I was anything, I was gratitude.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

My current husband and I will be offering a 3 day retreat at Breitenbush Hotsprings in doing The Work, on relationships. We’ll be demonstrating The Work on each other, in front of each other and the power of inquiry between two.

The relationship you bring to this work doesn’t need to be a love, spouse, mate, partner, someone you’re dating, romance.

This powerful work can be done on assumptions, expectations, questioning the Relationship Rule PlayBook for children, parents, co-workers, neighbors, siblings, employers.

This retreat? Winter. December 8-11. We begin Thursday evening at 7:00 pm. Deep woods. Possible snow. Bubbling hotsprings (optional for soaking during workshop breaks). Delicious vegetarian meals. Rejuvenation. Pristine old growth forest. Showers and cabins heated naturally (and incredibly cozy and warm). Silence. Inner work. Sharing.

Two people registering together are $350 each. Normal early bird fee per person is $395 until November 1st. It’s only 3 months away.

Join us.

Much love,

Grace

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When goodbye hurts

goodbyewave
when goodbye brings a little zing of disappointment (or a massive one)….The Work

If you’ve been considering Year of Inquiry, today’s the best day to join.

Because then, you’ll be a part of Orientation tomorrow, and the first calls next week (we start Tuesday morning, Sept 6th).

An amazing group of 22 people from all over the place–Canada, Norway, Lebanon, England, Florida and every time zone of the US.

Now, I’m not trying to be Doreen Downer….

….but some of these people may have sudden urges to quit, and they might do it.

Which is why I give people two months to be a part of it, and withdraw by November 1st if they choose.

This is the fifth time I’m offering this program, and here’s the funny thing about my own mind, when it comes to the shuffling that happens at the beginning of gathering together a group.

I finally am aware that I know nothing about who will stick around, who will plunge in and participate whole-heartedly for the entire year, who will get scared about something they’re looking at and decide….”maybe not right now, after all.”

Some people may even be ghosts for awhile, then return with renewed energy.

Some may think “that’s enough of answering questions and looking at my thinking!!!” and then come back to looking only a week later.

Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own journey and I know and trust, it’s just right for them.

I wasn’t like this the first year initially.

OK, fine, or the second.

If someone signed up, participated for the first week or first month, then disappeared or wrote and said “I won’t be doing the program” I would have this disappointed feeling in my gut.

It was the same if I asked my daughter “Hey…do you want to go to this movie with me?” and she said “I would never want to see that movie, are you kidding?!” (She was excellent for not just a simple “no” but a really blunt you-shouldn’t-have-even-asked-me-that “no”).

Awwwww.

Dang.

I would respect their decision of course, and I’d always write “what made you decide not to continue?”

I’d cross my fingers that I’d get a really good, long answer so I could work on improving or changing or learning something about what did not work.

Which is great to get honest feedback of course (awesome, in fact)….

….but that underlying gut disappointment was not exactly thrillingly pleasant.

I knew to do The Work.

I was reminded of all this the other day when six people joined, but two withdrew before we’re even beginning the year. My focus went to the withdrawals.

One had more explanation than the other, and it made so much sense around scheduling conflicts. The other, almost no explanation.

(And there never needs to be any explanation, by the way).

But people come to me all the time to do The Work with huge anxiety and grief around someone breaking up with them, someone expressing the need for change in a relationship, and making the change.

Huge stress follows the words “I’m out” or “I’m leaving” or “it’s over”.

This person should not withdraw. They shouldn’t leave. They shouldn’t break up with me. They should stay. 

Is it true?

Wow. What a question. It seems like it’s true. All the love songs are about the disappointment of people parting ways, or not living up to what is desired. Sadness. Anger. Rage. You done me wrong! This is not good!

But is this absolutely true, that no one should ever break up with me, or say “no” to spending time with me, or “no” to a social event I’ve invited them to, or “no” to a program I’m offering?

Is it absolutely true that it’s sad, if someone does?

No.

That would, in fact, be weird if it was absolutely true. I’d be tied like a ball and chain or some strange “rule” to others, and they to me. What I notice about reality is life morphs and changes, interests move, curiosity opens doors, the future is unknown, the past is full of learning.

How could it ever be true for me that someone should “stay”? Whatever “staying” is.

How do you react when you believe someone should stick around, or not say “no”?

Upset. Worried. Anxious.

Seeing visions of EVERYONE doing it. If it starts with this one person, it will increase explonentially.

(I love how the mind does that multiplication thing about the future….let’s 10x the future vision! It’ll be MUCH WORSE!)

But who would you be without this story? What if you couldn’t even have the thought enter your mind and heart that someone shouldn’t say “no” or that people should stay put, or that no changes should ever ensue in relationships?

Amazing idea, right?

And so very exciting.

What if it was The Way of It that people come and go. Reality.

I notice we all get born, and we all die. We’re only here temporarily. Why do we wish, sometimes, for permanence? Guarantees? Certainty? It doesn’t exist.

Without the belief that it should….wow the freedom.

I trust. I let go. I notice I never leave myself, which is very exciting to notice. Something is always here.

Without the belief other people should stick around, I get to notice the thing that DOES stick around….no matter how mysterious. The thing that notices All This. Presence. Nowness. The air in the room, the chair underneath, the fingers moving to make words and express.

The wonder of “here”. This isn’t “nothingness”.

Turning the thoughts around: They should go, when they do. They should withdraw, they should leave. They should break up with me. They shouldn’t stay.

I can’t even begin to list the advantages I’ve discovered when people have left. Even if it’s that I get to do whatever I want on a Friday night with zero consultation. No more dealing with what the other person wants. No more trying to help someone else.

Nothing left to focus my attention on, outside of myself. Left with the fire of neediness or disappointment, I could do The Work.

I shouldn’t go away from myself. I shouldn’t withdraw from me. I shouldn’t leave THEM, or myself. I shouldn’t break up with them, with myself. I should stay with them (no matter where their body is). I should stay with myself.

I’ve noticed, when someone withdrew, or abandoned, or left….whatever I want to call them being gone….I would forget myself. I would not be enjoying my own company.

I should stop doing that!

I could notice what was magnificent about having this moment all to myself, to enjoy the world around me, whatever was there. Long ago when I was in the midst of divorce, I did this work and found how incredible it was to play the piano again, all by myself, and read….all weekend long. My favorite!

And I should trust and enjoy the movement of that person’s life over there. That’s how I can not leave them. I can support them doing what they need to do, with respect. I can trust the greater universe, this reality, and the friendliness of it all, and that I have NO IDEA what the future will bring.

It’s never been 10x of the worst moment ever, and everyone ditching me.

It’s been the opposite. New people come along. I am cared for and loved.

Every time.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Thanks dad, for going when you did, so many years ago. Your departure helped me stand on my own two feet, and find out I could not only survive, but thrive. And thanks for Not Leaving in my mind and heart. I talk to you almost every day. You might not be here in form, but you’re here.

 

P.P.S. Learn about these last few hours of joining Year of Inquiry before our Orientation tomorrow by visiting here.

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When you un-do your need to know….an Overwhelming YES to life

footprintsonsand
When you have no idea where this is going….notice the YES of this present moment.

I’m going to be on Facebook Live today at 1:00 pm Pacific Time. Let’s try out the new technology! If you’re free, head to my facebook page and let’s see how it works. The link is here. I know, this is in only 45 mins, but it’s an experiment.

I’ll talk about self-inquiry and barriers to it (which seems to be my specialty, I speak from personal experience, LOL). Since this is my first venture into Facebook Live, I’m not sure how long, or IF, it will work smoothly, so let’s test it.

It’s actually amazing how much we humans live our lives trying an “experiment”.

We move from one place to a new place, we have kids, we get new jobs, we develop new friendships, we have conversations, we get together with people, we part ways.

In some ways, everything is a great and grand experiment, totally unknown how this will turn out.

So here’s the funny thing about the mind, and mental “thinking” that we’re all so aware of.

It moves into considering the past…..and then the future….

….constantly.

When I deeply consider the energy of “thought” it appears to involve pictures, images, imagination, creativity, ideas, review of the past, contemplation, wondering, stories, remembering.

Without any actual clear, straightforward conclusion.

Who would we be without our thoughts?

This is Question #4 in The Work of Byron Katie, and also a question raised in many spiritual and contemplative traditions. An awareness and a wondering of what we are, who we are, without our ideas about right/wrong, good/bad, terrible/wonderful.

I love how with The Work, you get to ask this question on only one simple situation at a time. A bite-sized chunk.

Who would you be without your stressful belief or image or conclusion in that ONE situation you feel scared, angry, nervous or sad about?

Who would you be without the belief you’d prefer to KNOW what’s going to happen rather than engage in an experiment?

Do you really want to know exactly what’s going to happen later today, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or two years from now, or in twenty years, or in seventy years when you’re likely no longer here anymore in a body?

“I need to know what will happen.”

(You can find a specific subject or situation to ask this question about, no matter how big or small, in your own life.)

Is it true?

No.

I really have no idea, and I can see how knowing might be weird, and too much, and not for me.

How do I react when I believe I need to know what’s going to happen, or that something will have a good outcome?

Anxious, seeing pictures of the Opposite of good outcome. I see terrible results, bad outcomes, big disasters, fearful scenes. My story is a worried one.

Who would you be without the thought you need to know how this is going to turn out, you need to know what will happen?

WooWee!

Right here, very present.

Excited to see how this unfolds.

Willing to allow it to be as it is, not crunch down tightly against it and get all freaked out.

Feeling the lightness of “I Don’t Know”.

Turning this thought around: I do NOT need to know what will happen.

Truer.

There are so many things better left unknown. Then I get to do only what appears to be required in the moment. Maybe it’s nothing. I move as I do. This is not me running the show. I am just here. I am not waiting.

Turning it around another way, ever so slightly different: I need to NOT know what will happen. It’s actually better that I don’t know. That leaves things to occur at a pace that’s impersonal, not all about me. It gives me the gift of coming back to this moment. Very open.

Less is required than I ever imagined (when using my mind). Instead of knowing, I need to NOT know. That’s hilarious. But has a huge sense of ease and sweetness.

Another turnaround: What will happen needs to know me.

Now, isn’t that just the most cosmic, fun, loving thing you ever heard?

The universe….what will happen….life, love, the world, everything….is so excited to know me.

It’s waiting for me, in every brilliant moment. It needs to know me, to understand, to be with, to connect with, to love me.

The ultimate “nothing is required” story. The universe and reality are here to know me. I don’t have to work hard at it, I don’t have to go out and find it in the bushes somewhere, like it’s lost in a mysterious field.

It’s coming to me.

In every moment.

Can you feel it?

“To face the totality of life we must face the reality of death, sorrow, and loss as well. We must face them as unavoidable aspects of life. The question is, can we face them directly without getting lost in the stories that our mind weaves about them? That is, can we directly encounter this tragic quality of life on its own terms? Because if we can, we will find a tremendous affirmation of life, an affirmation that is forged in the fierce embrace of tragedy. At the very heart and core of our being, there exists an overwhelming yes to existence. ” ~ Adyashanti

Can you find the “yes” in this moment of existence right now? Who would you be without your story of needing to know anything?

Much love,

Grace

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Slow Down Caterpillar

caterpillar
slowing down is good

If anyone wants to jump on board for First Friday inquiry 75 minutes–we’re doing The Work at 7:45 am Pacific Time. Open to anyone, and you can share, be in the hot seat, or just listen.

If you want to listen-only, click WebCast (with WebCall we can hear you). Or, you’ll see how to dial in simply using your phone.

  Let’s Do The Work (Meetup)

I had an interesting learning experience yesterday.

I was offering the masterclass I’ve been talking about, right?

Lots of time spent collecting feedback, pouring over where people bump up into thoughts about not “getting” self-inquiry, creating the presentation with slides, figuring out what to include.

Well, basically, there was enough material to cover a weekend, not a 2 hour online masterclass.

Next Tuesday will be different. I’m cutting out some, and giving more of the most important message of all.

Slow Down.

In all these objections to understanding and awareness, whether it’s doing The Work or feeling confused about life, or being self-critical, angry, frightened or lost….

….the common denominator to peace is slowing down.

Relaxing.

Imagining a way to be that doesn’t require you to achieve or accomplish anything.

Nothing to fight with. No “issues” to fix or figure out. No relationships to resolve.

Slowing down, for me, means to slow down the things that are over-exerted, or running on over-drive, like the mind, or actions I take because I think “OMG! I have to do that or else catastrophe!”

Slowing down is wondering what it’s like to be without that thought?

Who would you be, without your thinking?

Today, I woke up and moments later was already having ideas about how to change up the next masterclass so it’s better, and people leave with a sense of peace rather than a mind full of information and noise.

But instead of diving in to work on it immediately, I took a moment to meditate in silence. And now writing this, and then I’ll be in a few minutes simply doing The Work with folks who show up for First Friday meetup.

Just doing The Work and slowing down.

Who would we be without our stressful story of anything being required for peace that isn’t already here?

“It’s only when caterpillarness is done that one becomes a butterfly. That again is part of this paradox. You cannot rip away caterpillarness. The whole trip occurs in an unfolding process of which we have no control.” ~ Ram Dass

Much love,

Grace

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You Are Invited to my MasterClass Training: Ten Barriers to The Work….And How To Dissolve Them

I’m offering a live free masterclass: Ten Barriers to Doing The Work as a Transformational Practice….And How To Dissolve Them.

I’ve thought about sharing this with others for a very long time.

Ever since I noticed the fascinating way the mind shows up looking at life with a trickster attitude either hell-bent on keeping you in the dark, or very quietly-and-subtly bent on making things not-quite-clear.

Well, I speak for myself. And I’ve heard so many people wonder about why they aren’t seeing clearly, or making the changes they want.

I’ve heard people ask Byron Katie questions about The Work and express their frustrations and worries, and their deep desire to end their mental suffering about relationships, events, feelings, the past, the future…..LIFE!

So I began to make note of where objections appeared, and where people felt lost.

I watched my own process of slowly going deeper, and sometimes experiencing big huge lightbulb moments of expansion in my perspectives.

I’ve asked you where you’ve wondered about why The Work is confusing, troubling, or “not working” for you.

I have LOVED receiving your answers (thank you).

So now…..I’m super excited to gather with you on this profound topic of deepening self-inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie, sharing insights from the journey of others, understanding your own common foggy-patterns (more on this in a minute), and maybe most importantly…..sharing with you some powerful and reliable ways to dissolve barriers to The Work.

While we are all ultimately very much alike (there are no new thoughts, as Katie says)….

….you might find yourself stuck and in need of a dose of understanding about the way your mind seems to be handling your journey in awareness and awakening.

If you’d like to explore this process….then I would be honored to have you attend this first-time ever Masterclass for Bringing The Work Home: Ten Common Barriers To Self-Inquiry, and How To Dissolve Them.

It is my greatest intention, pleasure and commitment to be in service to freedom from believing stressful thought, which I know is possible for everyone (it’s my sincere commitment within myself, which is everything).

I hope you’ll join me if you’re inspired to living a free, open-handed, joyful life of accepting, being, and loving what is.

You can save your seat here.

Much love,

Grace

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What she said really, really hurt

depressed1
When someone called you a name, did you believe them?

I receive a lot of emails but one of my favorites came in yesterday.

Subject line: the work works

“I sat down and wrote a Trash Your Neighbor. By the time I had written, fumed, and done The Work, the whole dynamic shifted. The part that surprised me was the change in [other person]. We had a lovely evening. With love and gratitude to you, Mom.”

First of all, my heart bursts with how cute my own mom is and the way she does The Work. She even took one of my classes on doing The Work When You Work For Yourself (back before it became the class on Money). She’s had her own business for 25 years.

But my favorite part was the way Judge Your Neighbor has become Trash Your Neighbor.

Isn’t that hilarious?

And it really is the spirit of the thing.

Childlike, adolescent, mean, nasty, feisty, unedited, judgey, critical, rude, name-calling.

Many people can hardly write this way at the beginning. They feel so bad about their thoughts. So embarrassed!

When people DO go ahead and write their worksheet, they think, “If this person ever read these words I’ve written about them, or found this Judge Your Neighbor (er, or is that Trash Your Neighbor) Worksheet, or heard me say this…..they would be mortified. I would be mortified. They would be wounded to the core.

People have asked me to shred their worksheet when we’re done with a mini retreat, or a session. I even have a dark brown unmarked envelope where I keep JYNs for people in storage, in between the times they visit to do The Work.

A memory.

I’m hiding under one of my sister’s beds, the one I’m closest to in age. I dove there when we heard footsteps coming up from the ground floor, most likely one of our other sisters (there are four of us girls altogether).

I whisper “if it’s E, ask her what she thinks about me and DON’T SAY I’M HERE!”

E enters the room. I can feel it, from under the bed. I can see her shoes moving towards the middle of the floor, closer to my other sister.

My other sister, the one I feel closer to, says a little awkwardly….”so, hey, um, I have a question for you, um, so what do you think of Grace?”

Pause. Silence hangs in the air.

“I think she’s a bitch.”

A huge sweep of shame rises from my gut through my chest into my face and while E says….

….”Wait, is she in here?”….

….I fly like lightening from under the bed and race out of the room in less than one second, skipping stairs two or three at a time down, through the kitchen, out the door, running through the alley and in the street. Just, running. Tears coming out of my eyes.

After awhile, I slow down, pause, I turn around, and I start to walk slowly back home.

It’s almost dinner time when I return.

My mom rings the cow bell and everyone is supposed to come right away who hasn’t been assigned table-setting duty.

I go to the table, and fake like nothing happened. Conversation, eating, passing the salt, quiet. E and I never look at each other. She’s across the table and one seat over. I pretend she doesn’t exist. My cheeks are hot.

Now, I’m doing my work on that moment, so aware it felt like a horror show, the feelings were so immense of hurt. And guilt.

She trashed me! And I heard it!

I do this work from my 11 year old self, right in that vivid moment.

She shouldn’t think I’m a bitch. I need her to love me.

Is it true?

Yes. This is horrible. I can’t take the crushing criticism. I should have known. She hates me.

Are you absolutely sure she shouldn’t think you’re a bitch? Are you sure you need her to love you?

Are you sure they’re saying that MEANS it’s TRUE? Is it really something to be ashamed of?

No.

How do I react when one of my sisters says about me that I’m a bitch?

Devastated. Shocked. Wall goes up between me and this person, like a 4 foot cement barrier, never to come down.

She even used a swear word.

So who would I be without this thought that she shouldn’t have thought what she thought, said what she said, and shouldn’t have called me a bitch?

Well. My first thought, from my 11 year old self, is “it’s a free country”!

In other words, people can think what they think, feel what they feel. I mean, jeez.

Without the thought that I’m destroyed by it, or should be ashamed, or that I need her to not have ever said, or thought, I’m a bitch….

….I might wake up to how angry she is with me.

Gosh, I wonder why.

Maybe it’s because I ignore, manipulate, hide under beds and play tricks on her. Maybe it’s because I never ask her a single question about herself or her life.

Maybe she’s right! Gasp!

I turn the thought around: she should think I’m a bitch, and she definitely shouldn’t love me….Now that I’ve seen how I treat her, I might think the same thing.

I shouldn’t think she’s a bitch. I shouldn’t think she’s someone awful, or boring, or worthy of ignoring or mocking (I’ve done it) or teasing or tricking.

And finally, I shouldn’t think I am a bitch. The minute she said it, my whole body froze and went into panic mode with shame and fear.

Truth be told, I needed that ice cold bucket of water over my oldest-sister oldest-daughter boss-of-everyone attitude. It was probably about time.

I didn’t have The Work back then.

But I did have connection, and the ability to have a broken heart. Like other humans, I had feelings. So did my sisters. It was a wake-up call to respecting them, and to not taking everything so incredibly personally.

A growing up moment. A moment I can revisit, over 40 years later, and notice how the universe supported me by hearing those words.

I see now, in moments like this, what Byron Katie means when she says “love kills”.

I knew there was something cracked open there, in that moment age eleven…..and it came from lack of love.

“Love is the power, and it won’t be distracted.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you to everyone who called me names. Those brave souls breathed some significant life into my inner growth, acceptance, kindness, gentleness and capacity to love. It raised the fire up, I felt the passion of the “cut” and knew who to move towards and connect with.

Me. Them. Us.

That same sister, ten years later, I adored and respected…..and still do.

She really, really hurt me? More like, she really, really helped me.

Maybe even healed me by slowing down a huge 11 year old ego-fire, or a huge 11 year old ultra-sensitive scaredy cat.

Actually, she’s the one who suggested the School for The Work.

Need I say more?

Much love,

Grace

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When the ego wants to be right….even about very negative things (including you)

lightincave
When something is frightening, ask ‘is it true?’ in the silence, and wait

A young woman in the audience of Byron Katie raised her hand because she didn’t know how to write her worksheet.

Her thoughts were about herself.

She was worried about what other people were telling her she was like: prone to self-destruction. A suicide risk perhaps.

As I’ve heard Katie do so many times with others, Katie guided this beautiful young student to find a situation where she was most worried about suicide, or self-destructive behavior.

Katie asked available staff to help this girl write a clear worksheet about someone else, or other people, related to these feelings. And not make it all about her.

Because this first step….writing a worksheet….is so deeply, profoundly helpful for sitting with a stressful situation and allowing yourself to see what you really believed in the middle of it.

Especially when it’s not all about you.

The part of you hell bent on proving you can change (or can NOT change), or fixing yourself, or getting out of a difficult situation….

….has to step aside for awhile, and you get to be unedited about the world, about reality (those people). Your childish thoughts come out.

This is good. No more hiding.

To my surprise, later when the girl returned and sat on stage with Katie to do The Work, her worksheet was on a good friend of hers texting to say he was going to kill himself.

I was surprised, because I thought she was going to find a situation where her parents, or a teacher, or a psychiatrist was telling her she’d have to be careful or worry about her introverted, depressive nature or something.

My mind had already raced off, wondering about what interesting situation she might find in her life that would be great “proof” of her need to worry about suicidal feelings.

What? You mean what my mind pictured wasn’t even close to what she shared?

Ha ha.

I loved her simple worksheet, and the brand new picture that sprang into my mind as she read her stressful thoughts out loud.

He shouldn’t put his problems on me. He is needy. He shouldn’t burden me with this. He should get professional help. 

Have you ever thought this about someone?

It doesn’t even matter if they’re suicidal or not. I’ve had these kinds of thoughts with friends or family or strangers on the train.

Is it true, they shouldn’t be telling you their problems? Is it true they’re burdening you? Are you sure they need professional help (whatever that is)?

Hmmm. No.

Something feels uncomfortable about it, though.

I love Katie’s question she asks sometimes to allow what really scares you to come into focus….”what’s the worst that could happen? What are you afraid of?”

Of course, the thing I was most afraid of when someone was seriously distressed, freaking out, suicidal and/or drinking? (OK, I admit it now, I’ve had a few boyfriends with these dark-cloud angst-ridden personalities….in the past).

They kill themselves. They succeed!

This is what the girl on stage feared, too.

I noticed the vision would come to mind of them being found, or me learning they succeeded this time. I’d feel my heart jump, and not want to picture such a terrible thing.

That’s how I reacted with the belief they could kill themselves.

Seeing it. Frightened. Thinking I should do something, like go find them and make sure they’re OK, be a “good friend”.

I had to do something! Right?

Suddenly I have a vivid image come to mind. I’m in a 12 Step Meeting about 30 years ago now, miserable, sick, hopeless.

I actually speak, which is a shocker to me now considering how awful I felt and full of despair. I cried and said into the still, listening air of the room, that I couldn’t “do” this (referring to life). I couldn’t seem to stop binge-eating, I couldn’t quit, I was a total failure and I wished I were dead.

There was a silent pause in the room.

Then after a few moments, someone else went next, and my turn was over. No rescuing, no response. The way it always is in a 12 step meeting. It works well this way. No cross talk.

But near the end of the meeting, a note was pressed into my hand that came down the line of people sitting in the chairs in the row I was in.

I never knew who this note was from.

In a delicate sort of old, ball-point pen elegant, and slightly wobbly, cursive writing, someone wrote….”there is a quality of negative grandiosity in suicidal despair.”

I don’t remember all the words after those. The mysterious person went on to write that my life was important, and worthy of living. I saved that note for years and years in my wallet.

What I always remember, though, is the phrase “negative grandiosity”. 

It hit a home run. It clunked in as true.

My ego gigantic. Grandiose with negativity and depression. With challenging the universe and shaking my fist at God or Reality or whatever you want to call it. I was one big grandiose walking egomaniac, only it was the opposite flavor of what I had been taught someone with a big ego looked like–that was someone with personal authority, bossy-ness, prestige, force, power, drive, who wanted to rule other peoples’ lives.

Me? I just wanted to rule my own, it appeared (although, not really, I had plenty of judgments about others and they all became brilliantly useful when I let them come out more clearly).

But who would I be without this whole story of terror that someone else I care about might commit suicide, and that something needs to be done to prevent it?

Wow. So much freer.

Noticing what’s true is….no one who I ever personally feared would do it, actually did it. Other people I knew, who DID do it, I hadn’t realize wanted to. I really had no idea what was going on when it came to suicide. I notice even though I felt like doing it, and thought about ways to do it (long ago) I never even took one step towards making it happen. Not one. I escaped with addiction instead.

Turning the thoughts around about that person you worry about, who seems suicidal:

I shouldn’t put my problems on myself, or him. I am needy, he’s not needy at all. I shouldn’t burden myself with this. He shouldn’t get professional help, I should. 
 
Each turnaround of course, is a meditation all by itself. This is not the get-work-done-in-a-packaged-lump plan.
To really look, you would take one thought at a time, and turn it around all the ways you can, so you see every angle of looking rather than seeing from only your personal point of view.
But as this girl did her work with Byron Katie, I loved allowing the turnarounds to flow like a river of water over me, through my mind, discovering some of the following examples very clearly, for these turnarounds.
Yes, I shouldn’t believe this is all up to me and I’m the one who must “do” something. I notice the people I’ve worried about feeling suicidal are not here in this room. I have no idea what they’re doing or will do. The images in my head are not real. They’re images.
This is even true for the one friend I’ve known who did commit suicide. I wasn’t there. I heard the story. I have no idea what it actually looked like.
Yes, I appear needy. I am needy for these other people to live. Please live the rest of your life, happy. Like I would somehow generate some kind of guilt if they died….unless I….what? (I consider the idea again that “I” have something to do with their life, that some fault could be committed by me).
 

Yes, I shouldn’t burden myself with all this thinking, feeling panic, despair, urgency. I notice people in this world die, sometimes at their own hand. We have a word for it (suicide). They’re taking the best route they can see at the time. How would I know it’s wrong for them?

Yes, I can consult “professional help”, or not (thank goodness it was available when I felt suicidal so long ago. It was so lovingly helpful and life-changing).

Doing The Work itself is the ultimate professional help. It requires no other person, only me, answering questions.

“We’re not ever really dealing with people, we’re dealing with concepts. Take care of what you’re thinking and believing….Pain is produced by ego. The ego wants to be right. The ego has you want to do The Work on yourself. The ego compares. And every time–you lose….There’s nothing more fun than stillness. It’s where all the action is. I love the guidance of inquiry. The ego is powerful but it’s never more powerful than the truth.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie 2016

Much love,

Grace