A young woman in the audience of Byron Katie raised her hand because she didn’t know how to write her worksheet.
Her thoughts were about herself.
She was worried about what other people were telling her she was like: prone to self-destruction. A suicide risk perhaps.
As I’ve heard Katie do so many times with others, Katie guided this beautiful young student to find a situation where she was most worried about suicide, or self-destructive behavior.
Katie asked available staff to help this girl write a clear worksheet about someone else, or other people, related to these feelings. And not make it all about her.
Because this first step….writing a worksheet….is so deeply, profoundly helpful for sitting with a stressful situation and allowing yourself to see what you really believed in the middle of it.
Especially when it’s not all about you.
The part of you hell bent on proving you can change (or can NOT change), or fixing yourself, or getting out of a difficult situation….
….has to step aside for awhile, and you get to be unedited about the world, about reality (those people). Your childish thoughts come out.
This is good. No more hiding.
To my surprise, later when the girl returned and sat on stage with Katie to do The Work, her worksheet was on a good friend of hers texting to say he was going to kill himself.
I was surprised, because I thought she was going to find a situation where her parents, or a teacher, or a psychiatrist was telling her she’d have to be careful or worry about her introverted, depressive nature or something.
My mind had already raced off, wondering about what interesting situation she might find in her life that would be great “proof” of her need to worry about suicidal feelings.
What? You mean what my mind pictured wasn’t even close to what she shared?
Ha ha.
I loved her simple worksheet, and the brand new picture that sprang into my mind as she read her stressful thoughts out loud.
He shouldn’t put his problems on me. He is needy. He shouldn’t burden me with this. He should get professional help.
Have you ever thought this about someone?
It doesn’t even matter if they’re suicidal or not. I’ve had these kinds of thoughts with friends or family or strangers on the train.
Is it true, they shouldn’t be telling you their problems? Is it true they’re burdening you? Are you sure they need professional help (whatever that is)?
Hmmm. No.
Something feels uncomfortable about it, though.
I love Katie’s question she asks sometimes to allow what really scares you to come into focus….”what’s the worst that could happen? What are you afraid of?”
Of course, the thing I was most afraid of when someone was seriously distressed, freaking out, suicidal and/or drinking? (OK, I admit it now, I’ve had a few boyfriends with these dark-cloud angst-ridden personalities….in the past).
They kill themselves. They succeed!
This is what the girl on stage feared, too.
I noticed the vision would come to mind of them being found, or me learning they succeeded this time. I’d feel my heart jump, and not want to picture such a terrible thing.
That’s how I reacted with the belief they could kill themselves.
Seeing it. Frightened. Thinking I should do something, like go find them and make sure they’re OK, be a “good friend”.
I had to do something! Right?
Suddenly I have a vivid image come to mind. I’m in a 12 Step Meeting about 30 years ago now, miserable, sick, hopeless.
I actually speak, which is a shocker to me now considering how awful I felt and full of despair. I cried and said into the still, listening air of the room, that I couldn’t “do” this (referring to life). I couldn’t seem to stop binge-eating, I couldn’t quit, I was a total failure and I wished I were dead.
There was a silent pause in the room.
Then after a few moments, someone else went next, and my turn was over. No rescuing, no response. The way it always is in a 12 step meeting. It works well this way. No cross talk.
But near the end of the meeting, a note was pressed into my hand that came down the line of people sitting in the chairs in the row I was in.
I never knew who this note was from.
In a delicate sort of old, ball-point pen elegant, and slightly wobbly, cursive writing, someone wrote….”there is a quality of negative grandiosity in suicidal despair.”
I don’t remember all the words after those. The mysterious person went on to write that my life was important, and worthy of living. I saved that note for years and years in my wallet.
What I always remember, though, is the phrase “negative grandiosity”.
It hit a home run. It clunked in as true.
My ego gigantic. Grandiose with negativity and depression. With challenging the universe and shaking my fist at God or Reality or whatever you want to call it. I was one big grandiose walking egomaniac, only it was the opposite flavor of what I had been taught someone with a big ego looked like–that was someone with personal authority, bossy-ness, prestige, force, power, drive, who wanted to rule other peoples’ lives.
Me? I just wanted to rule my own, it appeared (although, not really, I had plenty of judgments about others and they all became brilliantly useful when I let them come out more clearly).
But who would I be without this whole story of terror that someone else I care about might commit suicide, and that something needs to be done to prevent it?
Wow. So much freer.
Noticing what’s true is….no one who I ever personally feared would do it, actually did it. Other people I knew, who DID do it, I hadn’t realize wanted to. I really had no idea what was going on when it came to suicide. I notice even though I felt like doing it, and thought about ways to do it (long ago) I never even took one step towards making it happen. Not one. I escaped with addiction instead.
Turning the thoughts around about that person you worry about, who seems suicidal:
Yes, I shouldn’t burden myself with all this thinking, feeling panic, despair, urgency. I notice people in this world die, sometimes at their own hand. We have a word for it (suicide). They’re taking the best route they can see at the time. How would I know it’s wrong for them?
Yes, I can consult “professional help”, or not (thank goodness it was available when I felt suicidal so long ago. It was so lovingly helpful and life-changing).
Doing The Work itself is the ultimate professional help. It requires no other person, only me, answering questions.
“We’re not ever really dealing with people, we’re dealing with concepts. Take care of what you’re thinking and believing….Pain is produced by ego. The ego wants to be right. The ego has you want to do The Work on yourself. The ego compares. And every time–you lose….There’s nothing more fun than stillness. It’s where all the action is. I love the guidance of inquiry. The ego is powerful but it’s never more powerful than the truth.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie 2016
Much love,
Grace