Category: Money

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Bills Bills Bills And The End of Suffering

I now know when my surgery will be: December 10th. A surgeon will be pinning my right torn hamstring back onto the pelvic bone.

When the date was set recently, guess what was one of the thoughts that ran through my mind?

How much will this cost? 

I know that medical procedures usually generate all kinds of bills. Something arrives in the mail from a lab, the doctor, the facility, the radiologist, another lab, the surgeon.

Bills!

What a great item for The Work.

A piece of paper comes in an envelope, addressed to you, and there is a number, and you owe that amount to the company, the organization, the service provider.

I love noticing the feeling inside when opening a bill and seeing “I owe” and watching if there is worry, frustration, nervousness, disappointment.

Any feeling at all of not liking the out-flow of money, of not liking that bill.

I don’t like it! I wish I didn’t have to pay this! 

Is it true?

Yes!

Although…almost as I’m saying “yes” I think “not really”.

I love the flow in and out of money. I love paying for wonderful service, for learning, for education, for healing help, for shelter, food, clothing.

But that little worry about not having enough….the amounts draining the bank account. The analysis of whether something is “worth” it or not.

How do I react when I believe the thought that this better be worth it?

The mind kicks in to the analysis zone, weighing and measuring something that often can’t quite be measured clearly. It gets all busy trying to see what things are worth….using a lot of energy.

What’s the value of my hamstring being sewn back to where it is supposed to go? Priceless. It’s worth it.

And if I didn’t have any health insurance? Still true.  

“My job is to be happy and wait. Decisions are easy. It’s the story you tell about them that isn’t easy. When you jump out of a plane and you pull the parachute cord and it doesn’t open, you feel fear, because you have the next cord to pull. So you pull that one, and it doesn’t open. And that’s the last cord. Now there’s no decision to make. When there’s no decision, there’s no fear, so just enjoy the trip! And that’s my position—I’m a lover of what is. What is: no cord to pull. It’s already happening. Free fall. I have nothing to do with it.” ~ Byron Katie 

This amount comes in, that amount goes out, in and out, up and down, I just know what to do next, what’s possible, what’s available, what is not available. 

Without the thought that I don’t like this or I don’t want to pay this bill?

I see how I am absolutely and completely fine right now in this moment, no matter what number is appearing on a paper.

I turn the thought around: I like this! I want to pay this bill!  

What a completely fun, relaxed, exciting, playful alternative!

I can be happy, no matter how much I pay, owe, give, deliver, offer. In fact, it’s VERY exciting.

“There’s no suffering in eating spaghetti with a thin tomato sauce (this is just one little example here, that stands for many things) rather than a nice, specially prepared sauce for pasta. But if suddenly, thought arises, and you think “this is what it has come to”, or “I have to eat this watery sauce, the cheapest food there is”, or “I’ve failed” or “I probably won’t find another job, because billions of people are now looking for jobs and it’s pointless” or “I’ll have to eat the same thing tomorrow” – [these thoughts] are where the suffering comes from. The suffering also comes from the diminished sense of self-worth, now where is that? Of course that’s in your head.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Right in the moment I am opening a bill, looking at the number, writing a check or making a bank transfer online….

….I can feel the thank-you, the joy of living this turnaround “I like paying this!”

If you find the idea tough…join us for the Money Teleclass that starts on December 5th in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace

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Dirty Nasty Money Thoughts

There was a long line at the local grocery store check out. A mom with a huge shopping cart full of food and her toddler son in the kid seat, and a young couple with a hand-held shopping basket were still in front of us.

I was with my boyfriend waiting in line. We had been dating for over two years and we knew each other pretty well, and loved each other’s company. 

This was the easiest, most natural, relaxed time I had ever had while dating.

No plans, rules, formalities, assumptions, expectations. Both of us married and divorced in the past, not so interested in “making” any commitments happen….very present moment and simple. There could be no tomorrow. No problem. 

Except…..

….we got to the check stand and the clerk rang up all our grocery items. We had four bags full of food, and some was for him, some was for me, some was for both of us. 

He wasn’t reaching for his wallet. The clerk said “that’ll be $72.91”. 

I was standing right in front of the grocery clerk, my boyfriend was still near the magazines and candy looking at the cover of something. 

I waited another second. I reached for my own wallet slowly. Inside my head “OMG I am going to HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS!” 

This was when he was supposed to look up and say “Oh! I got it!” and take out his credit card.

I’m adding up how much I have in my bank account, thinking about if there’s anything I could put back….

…mostly thinking about if there was some way I could HINT at the need for some financial participation here without saying “pay for this!”

Which would be sooooo rude.

Nothing. 

I came up with no possible way to ask for a contribution, or to get him to pay, that wouldn’t ALSO make me look like a sleeze-ball greed-monger cheap dependent poverty-oriented desperate sexist single mom.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Heh heh.

Why couldn’t he just have the mentality of LOVING being the guy that pays for everything? He should be THAT kinda guy!

Because then I feel taken care of, safe, secure, loved and supported. 

Yikes. 

Time for The Work. 

And all this came out of one short move that lasted literally 5 seconds. Him not taking out his wallet and not offering to pay.

  • he doesn’t care about me
  • he is not supportive
  • I’ll never get to relax financially in this relationship
  • if he doesn’t pay, it means he EXPECTS ME to pay
  • this is not safe
  • this is not fun, special or of financial benefit
  • he doesn’t make me feel like a pampered woman

Ewww. This was difficult for an independent, sister goddess, celebrating, joyful, feminine-powered woman to notice, that I imagined myself to be.

Another voice came in riding the tails of the first voice: You want the man to pay? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that’s from the slave-ownership man-dominated era? Aren’t the guys who always pay usually jerks?

And by the way, you can NEVER, EVER admit these thoughts, or he’d be shocked, hurt, upset and scared. 

Of course, I had done The Work for over two years solid on money, constantly (mostly since I had so little) and was living somehow with a mind that also constantly questioned itself, and was devoted to full-blown honesty (most of us find this more fun).

So ten minutes later, I was talking about just exactly what was inside my mind, on our walk home, carrying the groceries that I had just paid for.

I knew I wanted to enter who I would be WITHOUT the thought that any of those thoughts were true. I knew I was running stories.

My feelings told me.

I said to him, “I was just having these kinds of thoughts (see above bulleted list). But I realize I am assuming a LOT. I don’t know if it’s TRUE that you want ME to pay, that you don’t support me, or that you don’t think I’m worthy.”  

He was surprised and took out his wallet and gave me cash for half the amount, and told me he was absolutely happy to share expenses!

Hmmm. Different than the whole Its-On-Me thing. More….more….shared. 

Maybe who is paying for what has nothing to do with love, support, fun, specialness. Maybe relationships could have nothing to do with financial benefit, expectations for paying or not paying, safety, or being pampered. 

  • he does care about me, I don’t care about him, or myself right then (I was silent)
  • he is supportive….I was not supportive of myself in that moment
  • I am completely relaxed financially in every moment, when I really look
  • if he doesn’t pay, it does NOT mean he expects me to pay
  • this is safe, it is all safe
  • this is fun, special and of financial benefit, or not, so what?
  • I make me feel like a pampered woman (and so does he)

It was strange having all the walls fall down about money and relationship. But they were stories from ancient times….and they made no sense any more, for me.

The more I have questioned my dirty, nasty, embarrassing thoughts about money and who is supposed to pay, give, take or keep it and where it’s supposed to come from…

….the greater the freedom, the more relaxed, safe, supported, loved by all the universe, whether money is around or not. 

“How do you react when you believe that thought, that someone owes you? Now flow into who you would be without the thought that he owes you? Now turn the thought around…you owe him….you owe yourself….

This dream world that we call earth and life, it’s duality: good/evil, right/wrong, up/down, left/right, polarity. And as we question our mind, we leave the Other World, we leave the world of duality and we find ourselves in a whole other paradigm right here on earth. It leaves the world without an enemy.” ~ Byron Katie 

Come join the adventure of questioning your very painful, conflicting beliefs about money, earning, other people’s money, your mate’s money….with 8 weeks of inquiry, who knows what can happen. You may leave your world behind. 

The Money Teleclass starts in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace

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Those Greedy People Were Generous

It was a Seattle misty-raining evening and already pitch dark, even though it was only 5:10 pm. You’d say “late afternoon” if it was summer.

I parked my car several blocks away from a hotel where a business networking meeting was already underway. I was late.

In my car, I had quickly grabbed a more “business” looking jacket, to put on over my long-sleeved aqua blue casual t-shirt. I had remembered to wear Not Jeans. As in black “business” looking pants.

When I entered, a man was standing up addressing the room, wearing a gorgeous gray business suit and red tie. The room was full.

As I made my way towards the closest open seat towards the back (people were sitting at tables for four) I was thinking thoughts like this:

  • Oh no, this is worse than I thought, I don’t fit in
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses
  • I can’t do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I won’t be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living (self-inquiry? counseling? The Work?)
  • No one will understand me and what I do
  • Everyone here is only interested in making money
  • They only care about appearance, success, wealth
  • I gotta get outta here!

RRRRUUUUNNNN!

Fortunately, I sort of “half ran”. I stayed planted right there physically (I couldn’t leave and draw attention to myself, right?)

But my mind whirled with nervousness and I probably had a plastic smile on my face. Like I was waiting for the first chance to lunge at an exit door. Maybe they’d take a bathroom break soon.

Later, after I “made it through” that ordeal…and I was back to safety…it occurred to me that doing The Work on this moment, this exact situation, might be not justinteresting….

….but maybe doing The Work on this would be very, very important for my own relationship with money, commerce, business, giving-and-receiving, offering a service in exchange for money, connecting with strangers…being free.

I got to work.

Is it true that I don’t fit in there? What does that mean…to not fit in? That I don’t have on the exact same outfit?

Seriously?

I don’t fit in because they are more interested in money than me?

(Yes, I often did my work for free, I had practiced many hours of volunteering my time to organizations, group talks and individual sessions with people).

Is that true that they are more interested in money than I am? Because they’re wearing a business suit?

Oh jeez. No. Gulp.

Is it true that because they want to market themselves, get more customers, read marketing books and take business-growth classes….that I don’t fit in?

Is it true that when someone has a lot of money, I am not like them? Have they succeeded somewhere I have failed?

Rats. But.

I’ve always thought it was so NOBLE and AWESOME to live like a monk, be able to live on nothing, to fit everything I own into my car.

Which is, by the way, a used Toyota. Not an SUV. Which they probably drive.

Aren’t I amazing how detached I am from material possessions? So light and carefree? So giving?

Yet I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that these people, in this meeting, are any different from me. In fact, I’m pretty sure they aren’t.

How do I react when I believe they want money….and it’s selfish, or they do it the wrong, mean way?

I perceive them as the enemy. I start firing out judgments like gun shots: see, this is mostly men, they are the top echelon of the culture, they don’t care about me or anyone so small as me, they are good-ol-boys, I’m too soft, or liberal, for them.

It’s very, very painful.

Wait.

I like doing The Work better on needing money, and finding out I don’t need money. Ha! I can Out-Not-Need You! I was anorexic once! I can overcome base human desires for things like food…and money…like you never could, you mean selfish….!!

That’s how I reacted.

How amazing to consider the fourth question, for once in my life: Who would I be without the thought that these people were bad and money was bad, and wanting money was bad? That I could exit out the back door and continue to not fit in?

I would look around the room and stop judging everyone’s clothing. I would notice colors, texture, sparkles, beauty.

I would see friendly smiles, welcoming someone who didn’t look completely at home here.

I would be absolutely delighted by all the camaraderie, joy, determination, passion, and excitement in the room.

Oh boy, I get to stand up and be in the spot light for a moment! I love the theater!

I may or may not come back to that meeting. Without stress.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Oh yes, this is better than I thought, I fit right in!
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses–AWESOME
  • I can do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I will be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living–yes, in fact, I stood up and spoke, so I “stood” it.
  • Everyone will understand me and what I do! How funny to think I can have this attitude just as easily as the opposite!
  • Everyone here is interested in making money. Fabulous, because I am too.
  • In this moment, I only care about appearance, success, wealth…yes. I am judging right and left with these three factors in mind.
  • I am a cut throat, selfish, greedy, competitive meanie. I’ve hardly given them a chance! And they are gentle, generous, playful friendlies. Yes.
  • I gotta stay right here!

There are so many examples of all these turnarounds….they all come alive as I sit in them, slowly doing my work.

I learn from wildly successful people, I listen and read and hear.

I let it all digest inside of me, knowing I am very successful and how much I love myself and my own pace and my own style.

I notice I still love jeans. There are no rules. I also absolutely LOVE the material, smell, silky fabrics and smooth muted patterns of “business” wear. How fun.

I also notice I love money, where I used to have a push/pull love/hate relationship with it (just like food, sex, relationships, parenting, life, the universe).

“Most people think that the world is outside them. They live life backward, running after security and approval, as if by making enough money or getting enough praise they could be happy once and for all. But nothing outside us can give us what we’re looking for.” ~ Byron Katie

When I am not so afraid of absence of money, the freedom has allowed me to move with ease, fun, excitement, and no longer procrastination.

Thank you, everyone, who supported me along this road to true security and joyful freedom. And more money.

If you’re interested in being more honest about your relationship with money, getting down to the boney depths of the love and hate….bring your thoughts to a group. It can help you see what you’re thinking, that keeps you in prison. And feeling poor.

The next MONEY teleclass (8 weeks) starts in December!

Love, Grace

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Creating Money Without Hard Work or Stress

Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway in a few hours, at 9 am pacific time. I think at the time of writing this we’re full, but if you’re really feelin’ it, hit reply…you might be able to fit right in.

Having said this….fitting just a little more in is not the approach I recommend for consuming food, and I’m sure you agree. 

If you’re full, don’t try to fit one more bite in. Unless it’s balanced, fun and joyful and you’re simply sampling the taste. 

Getting too full is so uncomfortable, right? At least for most of us. Sometimes this sensation of fullness sets off a huge torrent of self-hate as big as Niagara Falls.

I shouldn’t have consumed that, I shouldn’t have wanted it, I should have stopped myself.

But what about the opposite….what about not having enough?

Not just Not Enough food, but not enough money, attention, love, support, warmth, comfort, time, energy, health?

Not Enough can be just as stressful as Too Much.  

It’s easy to find this to feel really true, for many of us, with MONEY.

I need more money, I want lots of money, I should be earning money, I should be receiving money, I can always use more money, there is never quite enough money, other people need me to get money….

The funny thing is, I never realized I had these kinds of beliefs at such a core, troubling level until I had just about no incoming money. 

I had been laid off from my job, gotten divorced, had a cancerous tumor on my thigh, and I had not been picked (even when I was a “finalist” a bunch of times) for any of the jobs I interviewed for.

I used to think I was so mellow when it came to money. 

“You can live on peanuts!” I would say. There’s no need to buy much of anything….I’m such a NON-CONSUMER. 

All those people who have to have fancy cars and jet skis and tropical vacations and ginormous houses…they are all bound and burdened by their lifestyle and their desires. 

I am so beyond all that. I hate shopping.

And then….I got squeezed. 

It got personal. 

And guess what? It seemed I had to take a look at all my thinking, all my beliefs about money. Because my entire system of thinking about money was very painful.

I got to work. I began writing down everything I thought about money. I started with the obvious thoughts, that I needed it ASAP, that I had to work to get it, that I would fail without it, that I would LOSE without it. 

And then, as I continued going, looking at money….I discovered that I had a very snooty belief that Not Caring about money was GOOD, and Caring about money was GREEDY.

It was the same as my beliefs about food! 

Not caring, not wanting, not desiring, not chasing after it...was much betterthan wanting, craving, desiring and grabbing.

But I needed money, it appeared, if I wanted to keep my home.

I needed food, it appeared, if I wanted to keep this body alive. 

And I did want to keep living in my little cottage. I did want to be alive in this body. 

(I did The Work and questioned these…and I could see it actually being OK to not want to live in my cottage or to stay alive in my body…a lightness about it instead of so freakin’ intense). 

So is it true that you want to Not Want something? Like food, or money?

YES! OMG! I want to NOT WANT cigarettes, I want to NOT WANT that Bad Boy Boyfriend, I want to NOT WANT a car, I want to NOT WANT more money, I want to NOT WANT candy.

That’s the story of my life, of course it’s true! Absolutely!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you want to NOT WANT something?

I am so furious at myself, I’m slapping my own hands in my mind as I reach for what I want. Slapping down my desires. I hate my “wanting”. 

I am viciously critical of those people who want money, who want cars, vacations, traveling, riches. 

I ACT like I don’t want stuff that I DO want. I shove it under the rug. I think “I will NEVER admit how much I want that thing, item, person, experience.”

If people criticize me for being too aloof, or not caring enough, or not motivated enough….I write them off. Can’t they see what a genius I am, how brilliant I am to Not Want? 

So. Who would I be if I couldn’t actually have the thoughts that Not Wanting is fabulous? Or Wanting is base, childish and out-of-control?

If it really did NOT MATTER, if there really was no right or wrong about noticing that you desire something…if you could experience the passion, the fire, the wild beauty of wanting without hacking it off like a diseased branch on a tree?

I would notice a new world opening up, full of creativity, energy, fun. Like a feeling of “Hey! Let’s go get some money!”

And it would be fine if I got some, and fine if not. This is not desperation, or fearful concern. 

My house might go into foreclosure, I might move into my mother’s basement, I might not be able to pay for my children to have music lessons, or dance classes. I might not be able to go on meditation retreats. 

But it’s not a disaster. Not a tragedy. 

I am open, excited, detached, enthusiastic, full of zeal, eager…wondering what will happen next.

“We become conscious participants in the creation of form. It is not we who create, but universal intelligence that creates through us. We don’t identify with what we create and so don’t lose ourselves in what we do. We are learning that the act of creation may involve energy of the highest intensity, but that is not ‘hard work’ or stressful.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

If you’re ready to look at Money and earning it, wanting it, keeping it…then we’re beginning an 8 week class starting December 5th. 

Questioning your beliefs about money could dissolve all hard work and stress, and leave you light and enthusiastic. I highly recommend it. You don’t have to join a class to begin, start questioning your beliefs today.

If you’re interested in the Money teleclass: Go to the website here to read more about it. 

Love, Grace

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Seeing Clearly Now With Money

In the past six months or so, I’ve had a handful of clients who live abundant lives financially, have really amazing careers (a doctor, a TV personality, a published author, a financial advisor, a psychotherapist) who have touched on some annoying or anxious thoughts about money.

I can’t make any changes in what I do, if I did…I would have less money, or no money. I have to make money. I have to keep this up. My security and comfort depends on my practice, my uniqueness, staying married, on working hard.

I used to think that people with really rockin’ careers (as in higher education and lots of work, or a thriving business) had it made.

They hit the Big Time, they were set. They could get on with other concerns, because this major one was handled.

But I realized that every single person I’ve ever worked with around money, who appeared to have it, often had the similar worries as those without it.

Last week I wrote a check to pay off my last loan (except for my house mortgage) after plummeting into debt like the Titanic about six years ago, when going through divorce.

This loan was a home equity line of credit. This is one of those loans that are offered in connection with your house. The bank lends you the money because they know that if you can’t pay, they’ll be able to take your house as back up.

Back when I had this open line of credit that I could spend, I used a small portion of it to make my garage into a room for my son…and then used the rest over a period of about 18 months to pay my regular house mortgage and buy food.

So, in other words…I used a loan on the house to pay for the house.

It would be like saying to a person who had loaned me money, “can I have another loan, so I can make monthly payments on the first loan that I already owe you?’

But at the time, it appeared to be the only option, since I went to probably 25 job interviews, still had no work, no health insurance, and my house wasn’t worth the original price, so even if I walked away and sold it, I still wouldn’t have been able to pay the debt.

Dang, that was rough!

I could have so easily foreclosed. But that’s not what happened (to read about what did happen, go to a previous Grace Note by clicking HERE).

What became clear is that the most peaceful, joyful, steady, solid way to be with all that terror about money, debt, security and loss was that I was supposed to pay off my debt, one dollar at a time if that’s what it took.

Clarity became NOT being concerned with the future, but instead feeling the beauty of the present moment, no matter what kind of worldly problems were screaming around me.

Instead of believing “I am doomed” and “it will take me forever to get out of this mess” or even “I have lost”…

…I questioned everything and kept taking one step at a time forward.

In fact, that’s all I COULD do.

I could question my thinking, look at the fearful beliefs, investigate the reality of money, houses, loans, jobs, income, employment, receiving, security…anything worrisome or stressful.

You may be someone who is not in emergency mode about money.

But I say, question your beliefs about it anyway. 

Just like all the clients I’ve mentioned who apparently have money, who noticed they still get worried about it.

You have to earn money….to have easy retirement, security in your old age, luxury in your daily life, vacations, so that you can give to your kids and friends, in order to be charitable.

You have to earn money so you never, never, ever, ever go into debt again…

…Is that true?

Yes! I will never stop! I will push, work hard, avoid vacations and free time, nose-to-the-grindstone! I will not quit! I will accumulate, gather, store, invest, and keep as much as possible, never letting up!

I will continue to advance my career! I must earn money! I must have money!

YIKES!

So yeah. Heh, heh. Does that sound stressful?

Because for me, it is, when I’m believing those thoughts. The clients with money noticed this as well.

Who would you be without the thought that you really need that money you have, you need to keep working at something that’s not very fun, you “have to” keep your money and not let it out of your sight, or be very careful with it?

Without these thoughts, I have space inside me. The world seems to be busy and active, and yet, I am still and quiet.

No stressful concern for the future.

All I know to do is be here, today, with a deep breath, relaxation, kindness to myself and to the reality moving around me.

I know when not to spend money or when to spend it, there is no compulsionto get, have, grab, store, give it away, do something.

I might store some away because it’s fun, because there’s nowhere else it needs to go at the moment. I might stop doing parts of my “work” because it isn’t meaningful, and I know to stop.

Without the stressful thoughts, I honor my own happiness. I have deep integrity with other people.

“The ideas in your head – the thoughts that tell you something about who you are and what you are worth – are ultimately illusory. It is illusory both when the thoughts are good, and when the thoughts are negative. The illusory nature can perhaps be more easily recognized when the thoughts become negative and cause suffering. Suffering can be an awakener.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Turning the thoughts around about needing to earn, maintain, have, give and keep money…

…I find that I do not need to. And, I am out of debt. That is a stunning, wonderful feeling. I am overjoyed. I have enough. I need very little. I continue to do what is next in front of me.

In these turnarounds, I free myself of illusion, even without massive suffering.

Or maybe because of massive suffering. I don’t know.

I can see clearly now.

Much love, Grace

P.S. The next 8 week Money teleclass isn’t scheduled yet, but stay tuned and watch the list below, always below Grace Notes emails, for the next one. I’d love to hear your favorite times/days, write me if you’d like to make a request!

 

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Buyers Remorse Tornado

Yesterday someone very close to me….OK, my husband…asked me a question.

You would have thought I just heard a radio alert that a tornado has just destroyed downtown Seattle and its now headed straight for our neighborhood!!!

It was 10 pm and we had just turned the light out to go to sleep.

“I heard you bought Ben shoes today that cost $153. What made you decide to buy such expensive shoes for him?”

I quickly replied, “He really liked them, I think these are the nicest and best-made shoes he’s ever had. His feet are not growing anymore. I think it’s OK..”

My voice was very calm and normal, casual like no-big deal, here’s my answer and yeah, I’m happy with that choice.

Heh heh.

Literally 2 minutes later he was asleep.

But there’s a tornado careening towards the neighborhood, remember?

BUYER’S REMORSE!!

It’s called Instant Stress In A Cup, kinda like pouring boiling hot water on a cup of noodles for Instant Lunch. I was BOILING in stressful thinking!

  • he’s questioning my purchases for my son!
  • he thinks I spent too much
  • I shouldn’t have spent it–I should keep my money
  • he said “such expensive” and that means he thinks I’m wildly extravagant
  • he’s got scarcity mentality
  • I shouldn’t have gotten married last year (yes, I thought this)
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is dangerous!

After 15 minutes of planning out how I could quickly get divorced, on paper, and stop the tornado from coming….

…I got up! Adrenaline is difficult to mix with sleep, I’ve noticed.

I went into my son’s room, where he was happily enjoying his last days of computer time before leaving for college.

I said “do you really like those shoes? I’m worried about how expensive they were. And you still need running shoes….maybe if we took them back and switched to two pairs for the same amount of dollars?”

(hand-wringing, hand-wringing).

He assured me that he loved them, they are the nicest shoes he’s ever owned, and he’ll buy his own running shoes. He is 19 after all.

We were laughing, soon, as I confessed I’m a worry-nut and also said how much I LOVED buying him those shoes.

And also how deeply grateful that I can even afford them, since only four years ago, it was out of the question.

I went back to bed and fell asleep.

In the morning I did The Work.

Now that I was all reassured with the purchase, I noticed many thoughts still running through my mind.

He shouldn’t say anything about what I spend my money on! It’s MINE! Good shoes are hard to find! And they weren’t $153 they were $140 plus tax! Single is better than married!

Justify Justify Defend How Dare You Justify Defend Justify I Have My Rights!!

Really? 

Um, well, no. This not an emergency.

And no, he only asked a simple question, he didn’t even have a “tone”. And no, I have no idea that something terrible will happen if he did indeed disapprove of my purchase.

I don’t actually know that he DOES disapprove, come to think of it.

With the thought?  Good lord. It’s a wild drama. I’m looking for the safest course of action. I’m thinking about the future, the past, emergencies and people having opinions of my actions around money.

There might not be enough! If this keeps up, I’ll lose everything!

With the thought, I’m not looking at myself, I’m looking at him. I’m not looking at my own freaky scarcity orientation in that moment. That I shouldn’t spend unnecessary money, I need to hold on to it, store it.

Believing all those stressful thoughts, I’m worried about ME being a BAD CHOOSER. I’m really afraid that I can’t trust myself and I don’t make good decisions.

So who would I be without the thought, in that moment just a split second after my husband asked his question….without the thought that I’ve made a mistake, I’ve spent too much money, I’ve done it wrong?

I’d hear his powerful question, even if he DID have a tone.

I’d check in with ME to see if it feels right. I’d feel free to say yes or no when buying something for my kids, with ease.

An experiment in noticing fear, anxiety, making trades, flowing money into other places, watching my assumptions, allowing myself to be me, handing over money to someone else.

I turn it all around:

  • I am questioning my purchases for my son! Yikes!
  • I think I spent too much
  • I should have spent it—I shouldn’t keep “my” money
  • “such expensive” means I think I’m wildly extravagant
  • I’ve got scarcity mentality – yes, I’m ready to draw lines and boundaries about this money that I apparently believe is mine
  • I should have gotten married last year, it’s beautiful
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is safe

I see the happiness on my son’s face and in his words, and I delight in that.

Yes, we could return the shoes. But that doesn’t seem necessary now, even though that is a wonderful option sometimes.

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Now is another moment, now I have enough money. Now, I take a very deep breath.

Now, I speak to my husband and tell him my reaction last night and he says “wow, amazing mind!” and I find out he wasn’t concerned.

“It helps greatly to see that being lost at times is all part of the dance and that nothing is really an enemy, a distraction or a failure. The light and the dark go together as one seamless happening.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Turns out there was only the THOUGHT of a tornado.

And now, a slower gentleness inside about buying things….appreciating that gorgeous store where the shoes came from that I hadn’t been inside of for probably ten years, noticing how fun it is to thrift shop, looking at beliefs about acquiring, paying for things.

“Is money the problem, or is what they [you] were believing about money the problem? Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there…..from parents to money, all innocent.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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Wanting Something Reminds You To See If You Have It (You Do)

One of the most painful ways I used to pick at myself was through comparison of my life to Other People With Money.

I still notice a sense of embarrassment that appears when remembering what went on in my mind when I was in lots of turmoil about income, having enough, receiving, getting money, making money, wanting money.

I would step out of my cute little cottage and down the front porch steps between the two cherry trees to go on a walk in my neighborhood, something I did often, maybe several times a week.

I’d notice the fresh smell, look into the beautiful sky, get about 100 yards to my first right turn, and then….oh look.

Here I am again on the street of the Lucky People, the ones with all the money, who can afford the beachfront houses with docks.

One after the other images passed by, as I walked.

This gorgeous house, that ornamental tree, this lush fountain, that full sized statue from a distant land, the razor-trimmed lawn, that mercedes.

Boy, that must be nice. 

I would actually think this with a sarcastic voice.

How did they get their money? What’s the trick?! Where’d they get that marble? How can they afford to completely demolish their previous house and put up a freakin’ brand new one?

They are a million miles from me in life experience, and ten million dollars.

I am over here, living in 710 square feet and a weedy unkempt lawn not able to go see Byron Katie or do that meditation retreat because I can’t pay the program fees.

The people in these houses are having fun, they are free, secure, educated, they can breathe, fill their larders with fabulous groceries, order take-out, and attend any workshops, trainings or adventures they want.

And they probably buy jet skis instead! They don’t even realize how good they have it!

Hoooooooonnnnnk!

That honking noise means “Everyone, get out of the water, NOW!”

Guess who “everyone” is? Yes, that’s right. That would be the Complaints-About-Money Committee in my own head.

All these voices jabbering, swimming and splashing and shouting stressful, troubling, uncomfortable, Poor Me, Lucky Them beliefs.

These voices can be quite sophisticated and subtle, and faster than a speeding bullet.

They can say “well, I’m not ultra rich like THAT, I could start a non-profit (I should), I’m wasting my opportunities, I don’t even care that much about money, there are people starving so at least I’m not suffering…”

The time to stop is when you feel stress. Whatever your thoughts, when the feelings are uncomfortable or sad, or disturbing, or irritated…that’s how you know to listen to the horn when it blows, and get out.

Which means…stop, take a breath, and go get a pen and paper.

Stop believing the rapid-fire comparisons that keep a gap as wide as the Grand Canyon between me and Those Other People, between me and my own joy and happiness.

Many times, I returned home from my walk and sat down and began to write.

I would be happy if I had more money.

Is that true?

Oh, absolutely!! I can tell, because when I look at these houses and gardens and cars right out there around the corner, I KNOW those equal happiness.

Um. Yeah. Now that I realize what I just wrote…

No, I can’t absolutely know it’s true that money = happiness.

In fact, I didn’t actually see any people out there who weren’t like me, just humans out on a street moving from point A to point B.

But what about the workshops and trainings? They are happier because they can go to them!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you need a training? Are you sure you absolutely could not be happy unless in this moment you were at a meditation retreat with a great enlightened master?

Really?

Are you sure you cannot enlighten yourself, make friends with the Complaint Committee, be at peace, rest, know God/Source/Reality right where you are?

Because wouldn’t that be a weird universe if truth only existed over there, not over here?

Even if things are falling apart over here (apparently, in your opinion remember) ….like your bank balance?

Who would you be without the belief that you really need more money in order to be truly happy?

(Or education, health, beauty, peace, knowledge, wisdom, balance, silence, companionship, courage, recognition).

But, this feels almost like the opposite of the way I’ve thought since I was five.

Not needing MORE of something? Not needing some kind of improvement?

And yet…impossible or foreign as it seems at first…as you enter into this unknown territory of imagining who you would be without the belief that you need more of something….

….what fun. How incredible. Stunning.

“Everyone has equal wisdom. It is absolutely equally distributed. No one is wiser than anyone else. Ultimately, there is no one who can teach you, except yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the beliefs around that I need money, I need retreats, I need that house over there, I want success (and I know what success is)…I consider not needing any of these things.

Standing there on the street, looking all around, walking back to my cottage, entering and sitting…I feel completely how I do not need more money to have this moment, to be breathing here now, to have taken a walk.

I do not need a retreat, because as it turns out, I am in complete silence entirely alone, with a stretch of hours ahead of me….

…and who’s your favorite teacher?!!

That would be me.

And when it isn’t, thank goodness for questioning the mind!

“Whenever I want an object, it’s not really the object I want. I want the experience the object will give me. Even if it’s a secure life and lots of money, what experience will I get when I have that? Is it here now? Is there anything deeper than that? And deeper than that? It will lead you right back into a state of presence….WHY you’re wanting is because the fulfillment is already there, trying to get your attention!” ~ Adyashanti

Perhaps all the money, luxury, ease, security, knowledge, wisdom, retreats, adventure, workshops, power, or enlightenment that have entered my consciousness at the moments I’ve wanted them are because the universe was reminding me I ALREADY HAVE THEM.

Perhaps those little (or desperately huge) wantings have been gifts, reminders.

Helping me remember that there is nothing, nothing, nothing outside of me that will bring me greater happiness than is already present.

My inner truth will not let me off the hook, going swimming in the lake of believing somewhere else besides here is better.

Including sitting in a big pile of money.

Love, Grace

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When Your Job Doesn’t Feel Like A Vacation

It is incredible to see how many people think about jobs, work, and activity that brings in money as a trap.

One big prison sentence of having to figure out what to do to earn money, find a job, and then trade services, time and energy for pay.

You give them your time, effort, expertise…and you don’t get to live your life freely! You can’t do what you want to do!

You’re workin’ for THE MAN! (Clenched fist).

Not long ago a man I was facilitating in The Work around his small business was talking about the 99% (the slogan used in the US addressing the disparity between the ultra rich 1% and then everyone else).

He was talking about how so many people are ripped off, never can get ahead.

He said he noticed how most people are part of the rat race and he said how sad that so many people hate their jobs.

It reminded me of myself and my past view of work and business, that I was FORCED by society to make an income, that I HAD to have a job.

I once had the same attitude about work, corporations, paychecks, that “they” are controlling my vacation time, and sick leave and the whole shebang.

When I had one job, around age 24 (my first after college) I dreamed about being somewhere better, of not having to go to work Monday through Friday.

I complained internally about HAVING to DRIVE to work when I’d rather STAY HOME. So many things to do, read, learn…..and work was a big interruption.

I did not have The Work back then, a way to practice personal self-inquiry with clarity.

Thank goodness I still found so much that I actually liked about that job. I met friends there, for example, who became friends for my entire life….really deep wonderful friendships.

But having a global attitude towards work and jobs spelling trouble, of jobs being “hard” or unsatisfying, can really leave a person stuck.

I remember a moment in my distant past where I was on my way to my office job in the big huge city I lived in, frustrated that I “had” to go.

It’s helpful to see what was really wrong with having to go, what I believed I was missing, what was most annoying.

  • its better if you get to do whatever you want all day long
  • having a schedule is a burden
  • I want to be doing “x” instead (watching movies, playing music, reading, sleeping, hanging out with my children)
  • my job is boring
  • I can’t quit this job because I need the money
  • its too hard to find another job
  • there’s no time for creativity, fun, joy in my day
  • they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds)

My perception of work in so many ways was that it was an imposition. 

The concept my client questioned was part of that field: I would rather be on vacation. 

It seemed really true.

Vacation vs working on the business non-stop day and night? Duh! Of course that’s true!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you want to change the channel, get out of this supposed “non-stop” experience of working, and be on vacation, whatever that actually IS?

Is vacating really such a draw? (I personally find sitting on a beach with a cold drink interesting for about 30 minutes).

As I facilitated this thoughtful client through his frustration with trying to run a little business, he discovered that often, he knew what it was like to live without the thought “I would rather be on vacation”. 

He only had that thought when he felt exhausted, tense, unable to let go of the outcome of his day.

Without the thought that he’d rather be somewhere else relaxing, he relaxed. He slowed down.

He noticed that he actually had a big and rather puzzling project in front of him: how to become successful, how to make the money flow more easily, how to serve more people, how to have fun while doing it all, how to love his work life.

He LIKED that project, even though sometimes he felt frustrated with it because he had to learn so much that was new.

The full turnaround opposite to the thought is “I would rather be here, doing this work, having my day, being myself, creating, building, generating”.  

I love finding examples of this turnaround for myself, sitting with them, feeling them, imagining them to be as true as the original stressful beliefs:

  • I am doing what I want, I feel passion, joy and focus in my business, I have purpose, excitement
  • having a schedule is huge freedom, I don’t have to think about it, I’m in service
  • Every single thing I think I’m missing, I already do: watch movies, play music, read, sleep, hang out with my children, rest
  • my job is very exciting, my job is being me, wherever I am
  • I don’t need money to have a happy life, I don’t need a vacation to have a happy life
  • its very easy to find new work, job, ideas
  • there’s great possibility for finding creativity, fun, joy in my day
  • they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds) and I’m so grateful!

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~ Byron Katie

What if I can find happiness in whatever my status, job, position, work environment?

Wherever I am, whatever I do, whatever is going on?

“Use that opportunity of a diminished sense of self-worth and self-image, and step beyond. Then, perhaps, you’ll find a job – but your sense of worth no longer depends on what you do there, or what you don’t do, or achieve or don’t achieve. You will find some transcendence, and you can bring that transcendence into your next job. The clinging to mental images is not there anymore. You’ll be surprised how well you’ll do, in your next job, when the clinging to images isn’t there anymore.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If you have thoughts about being unfulfilled, or wanting more vacation, question your thinking.

You may find fulfillment right here, right now.

And all you ever wanted in a vacation.

Love, Grace

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Asking Is Fun When You Don’t Expect Anything

I could take one last person in the Money Beliefs class that starts tonight….write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re interested. We meet on the phone or skype 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific Time for 8 weeks.

We’ll question painful concepts about money and what we do with it…work, business, buying, spending, wealth, poverty, needing, marketing.

And speaking of marketing….

Wait! Before you think that “marketing” doesn’t apply to you in any way, shape, or form because you’re not someone in business…

….I’ve had an incredible time inquiring into my thoughts about marketing (making announcements, making an offer) and absolutely everything that I think it means when someone else is doing it, or when I myself am doing it.

Asking for something we want, or saying no, or negotiating a trade is more common than you may think, off the top of your head.

What I mean by marketing in this context is that fascinating space of being in this world, apparently in a body, and being sparked to make trades….to ask someone for something, to respond to someone who is asking you for something, to have expectations, to have something satisfied, to offer something, to make an exchange.

A trade in the most broad sense of the word….I give you this, you give me that.

If it’s a good trade, we are both happy and more excited than we were before (that’s the goal at least, so we think).

But oh boy, when the trade is NOT so good…it can really hurt….if you’re believing your stressful thoughts.

This arena of making a trade is the action connected to acquiring something…..anything.

For example, I feel hungry, I go to the market and buy some food, taking money with me to trade for it.

These kinds of trades are fairly simple (although they do raise some really interesting stressful thoughts inside people sometimes)….and they often have to do directly with money being moved from one person to another, in exchange for a service or a thing.

But there are also fascinating parts of all these trades that are made around emotional contact between people.

  • I give you attention, emotional support, appreciation….you give me encouragement, a place to live, and love.
  • He gives her entertainment, fancy clothes, exotic and expensive experiences…she gives him physical touch, taking care of his physical environment, house cleaning.
  • She gives her parents company, conversation, respect…they give their daughter success pep talks, college tuition, encouragement.
  • She gives him hope, acceptance, freedom from loneliness, witty jokes….he gives her praise, adoration, gifts.
  • He gives his friend fun, playfulness, intimacy….the friend gives him availability, empathy, an easy-going “yes” to all his ideas.
  • I do good deeds and behave well and kindly….God gives me favorable circumstances in life.

You may have noticed by now that these trades, while constantly occurring between people, are a bit tricky.

And kind of gross if their spiked with neediness, desperation, volatility, or intense expectation.

There is no peace in some of these trades. People feel trapped in the deal. Unable to move on, unable to enjoy staying.

They’re getting what they want sort of, they’re trading what they’re willing to trade, sort of.

When stress arises in your beliefs about what you give and what you receive between YOU and SOMEONE ELSE, and something is off for you (or the other person) then it is a great time to look at what that other person is offering that bugs you, or what you think you are offering that has a cost, and investigate:

  • he should pay the bills, since I give so much love
  • she should be supportive of my new career
  • he should stop promoting himself, I already said NO
  • she should not have gotten angry when I made a request
  • my encouragement should help him change
  • they expect too much of me
  • I need her to be solvent so I can feel secure
  • I can’t change my mind because I made a vow
  • if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then I’ll be out on the street, and my situation will be worse
  • I must be doing something wrong

Holy Moly…its amazing how many of us humans will stick with a deal we’ve got going because if we protest or say we don’t want to make that deal anymore….we’ll be criticized, guilty, banished, regretful, alone.

I see how I’ve reacted when I think I’ve done my part, I believe that other person should do their part….and they don’t. Or vice versa.

Outrage! Fear! Confusion! Disappointment! Tired.

This whole trade would be waaaaaaay better if that person did a better job at their part.

Or maybe its me, and I should be doing a better job at my part.

“We always want someone else to change so that we will feel good. But has it ever struck you that even if your wife changes or your husband changes, what does that do to you? You’re just as vulnerable as before; you’re just as idiotic as before; you’re just as asleep as before. You are the one who needs to change, who needs to take medicine.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Making trades are natural to humans, and can be really fun.

And when they are not fun, it may be time to do The Work and find out what you’re expecting from that other person, what you think you’ll lose if you stop making a trade with them.

It may be time to see what you’re believing about Reality, what you think it should be giving you that it’s not giving you.

Or maybe how you think you should improve, that you should become a better person so that life will work better.

I look at the turnarounds to all I have believed, as I question my assumptions:

  • I should pay the bills, and give love to myself
  • I should be supportive of my new career
  • he should promote himself as long as he does, I can give a truly loving and simple no and it can be heard
  • I should not have gotten angry when she made a request
  • my encouragement should help me change
  • they expect just the right amount from me
  • I need me to be solvent so I can feel secure
  • I can change my mind, my vow is to peace
  • if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then my situation will be better
  • I must be doing something right

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say ‘I love you,’ you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade.” ~ Byron Katie

As I do The Work over time, and question expectations, what I think others should give, what I think I should give them, what happens when I announce or ask for something, what I believe would be best….

….the world becomes so much lighter, relationships easier and easier, the future less and less important.

Asking, receiving, attracting, offering, creating, trading….everything becomes easier, and tons more fun, in the present moment.

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

Love, Grace 

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Shopping Is Stressful! Investigating Money Beliefs

This past weekend I had a few stressful beliefs about Money. It made me very happy to know I am about to embark on the 8 week journey of investigation of beliefs about money, work, earning, spending with everyone who is participating.

There I was standing in a big store, looking at barbecues, thinking of buying one for my husband for our anniversary. There were small ones, medium sized ones, various brands, huge ones.

In many places there were signs that said “SALE!!”

Now, normally, I am not a big gift-giving person…not with material items, things, stuff you can hold in your hand.

It’s not that I don’t like buying and giving gifts…it just doesn’t occur to me. I know that’s very weird to hear for those of you who do like giving gifts.

I suppose I am more of a person who gives experiences and receives these as well, than actual “items”. I like very clean surfaces, smaller spaces, small amounts of stuff.

Lots of people are amazing at listening to what people want or desire, and selecting the perfect items.

I have to have something repeatedly mentioned….like my husband and I both noticing that it might be nice to BBQ food over the past five years….before I catch on.

Oh, I could actually acquire this thing, by going to a store and buying it.

I am not a cook, either. So I had no idea how much BBQs cost or that there were fifty thousand types and brands.

It was a little overwhelming. I started thinking it wasn’t a good idea after all.

Funny, my mind went from excitement about actually getting someone I care about a gift, to having the feeling “nevermind” after hunting for it.

Then I had another more unexpected expense arise, I did some banking online, and I thought even more….NEVERMIND.

  • We’ve gotten along without a BBQ for many years, why bother now?
  • I won’t use it enough, and I already have a stove in the house
  • I’ll have to clean it
  • there are other things to spend money on that will be more satisfying
  • I need to save when I can
  • I have no idea what my income will be next month, how many people in classes or individual sessions
  • better be careful
  • don’t ever want to regret purchasing something or be in that barely-making-it position again!
  • don’t buy anything unless it’s an absolute necessity! Run for your life out of the store! I hate shopping!!!

Later on, I was at home again. With no gift. And worried about my finances. On a Sunday evening.

Uh oh. Time to do The Work.

Time for a little mind surgery.

 

I sat down and wrote out my feelings, my thoughts, my perspective, from the most petty, childish, worried, innocent little point of view.

I used my computer, I wrote like a crazed person, many paragraphs, letting it spill out.

Then I had it all in text, and I could begin….

An hour later, after sitting quietly with myself and listening to my own mind, I felt lighter, more sparkly, relieved, and laughing at myself.

I’ll share with you the thoughts I questioned in tomorrow’s Grace Note, since I’m “late” getting this one out today.

But the most important thing for now is knowing what a gift it can be to give yourself the time of investigating your really stressful thoughts about money, work, earning, income, outflow.

I questioned my thinking and my experience changed, right in the same day. The feeling in my body relaxed, my mind relaxed.

I felt amused.

Before The Work….anxious, annoyed, frowning, tired, thinking about dollars and accounts and debits and credits.

After The Work….eyes wide open, gentle with myself, grateful, laughing with my husband.

“If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job, then let go.” ~ Tao Te Ching #24

Love, Grace

P.S. Two spaces left in the Money class which starts on Thursday.