One of the most painful ways I used to pick at myself was through comparison of my life to Other People With Money.
I still notice a sense of embarrassment that appears when remembering what went on in my mind when I was in lots of turmoil about income, having enough, receiving, getting money, making money, wanting money.
I would step out of my cute little cottage and down the front porch steps between the two cherry trees to go on a walk in my neighborhood, something I did often, maybe several times a week.
I’d notice the fresh smell, look into the beautiful sky, get about 100 yards to my first right turn, and then….oh look.
Here I am again on the street of the Lucky People, the ones with all the money, who can afford the beachfront houses with docks.
One after the other images passed by, as I walked.
This gorgeous house, that ornamental tree, this lush fountain, that full sized statue from a distant land, the razor-trimmed lawn, that mercedes.
Boy, that must be nice.
I would actually think this with a sarcastic voice.
How did they get their money? What’s the trick?! Where’d they get that marble? How can they afford to completely demolish their previous house and put up a freakin’ brand new one?
They are a million miles from me in life experience, and ten million dollars.
I am over here, living in 710 square feet and a weedy unkempt lawn not able to go see Byron Katie or do that meditation retreat because I can’t pay the program fees.
The people in these houses are having fun, they are free, secure, educated, they can breathe, fill their larders with fabulous groceries, order take-out, and attend any workshops, trainings or adventures they want.
And they probably buy jet skis instead! They don’t even realize how good they have it!
Hoooooooonnnnnk!
That honking noise means “Everyone, get out of the water, NOW!”
Guess who “everyone” is? Yes, that’s right. That would be the Complaints-About-Money Committee in my own head.
All these voices jabbering, swimming and splashing and shouting stressful, troubling, uncomfortable, Poor Me, Lucky Them beliefs.
These voices can be quite sophisticated and subtle, and faster than a speeding bullet.
They can say “well, I’m not ultra rich like THAT, I could start a non-profit (I should), I’m wasting my opportunities, I don’t even care that much about money, there are people starving so at least I’m not suffering…”
The time to stop is when you feel stress. Whatever your thoughts, when the feelings are uncomfortable or sad, or disturbing, or irritated…that’s how you know to listen to the horn when it blows, and get out.
Which means…stop, take a breath, and go get a pen and paper.
Stop believing the rapid-fire comparisons that keep a gap as wide as the Grand Canyon between me and Those Other People, between me and my own joy and happiness.
Many times, I returned home from my walk and sat down and began to write.
I would be happy if I had more money.
Is that true?
Oh, absolutely!! I can tell, because when I look at these houses and gardens and cars right out there around the corner, I KNOW those equal happiness.
Um. Yeah. Now that I realize what I just wrote…
No, I can’t absolutely know it’s true that money = happiness.
In fact, I didn’t actually see any people out there who weren’t like me, just humans out on a street moving from point A to point B.
But what about the workshops and trainings? They are happier because they can go to them!
Are you sure?
Are you sure you need a training? Are you sure you absolutely could not be happy unless in this moment you were at a meditation retreat with a great enlightened master?
Really?
Are you sure you cannot enlighten yourself, make friends with the Complaint Committee, be at peace, rest, know God/Source/Reality right where you are?
Because wouldn’t that be a weird universe if truth only existed over there, not over here?
Even if things are falling apart over here (apparently, in your opinion remember) ….like your bank balance?
Who would you be without the belief that you really need more money in order to be truly happy?
(Or education, health, beauty, peace, knowledge, wisdom, balance, silence, companionship, courage, recognition).
But, this feels almost like the opposite of the way I’ve thought since I was five.
Not needing MORE of something? Not needing some kind of improvement?
And yet…impossible or foreign as it seems at first…as you enter into this unknown territory of imagining who you would be without the belief that you need more of something….
….what fun. How incredible. Stunning.
“Everyone has equal wisdom. It is absolutely equally distributed. No one is wiser than anyone else. Ultimately, there is no one who can teach you, except yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning the beliefs around that I need money, I need retreats, I need that house over there, I want success (and I know what success is)…I consider not needing any of these things.
Standing there on the street, looking all around, walking back to my cottage, entering and sitting…I feel completely how I do not need more money to have this moment, to be breathing here now, to have taken a walk.
I do not need a retreat, because as it turns out, I am in complete silence entirely alone, with a stretch of hours ahead of me….
…and who’s your favorite teacher?!!
That would be me.
And when it isn’t, thank goodness for questioning the mind!
“Whenever I want an object, it’s not really the object I want. I want the experience the object will give me. Even if it’s a secure life and lots of money, what experience will I get when I have that? Is it here now? Is there anything deeper than that? And deeper than that? It will lead you right back into a state of presence….WHY you’re wanting is because the fulfillment is already there, trying to get your attention!” ~ Adyashanti
Perhaps all the money, luxury, ease, security, knowledge, wisdom, retreats, adventure, workshops, power, or enlightenment that have entered my consciousness at the moments I’ve wanted them are because the universe was reminding me I ALREADY HAVE THEM.
Perhaps those little (or desperately huge) wantings have been gifts, reminders.
Helping me remember that there is nothing, nothing, nothing outside of me that will bring me greater happiness than is already present.
My inner truth will not let me off the hook, going swimming in the lake of believing somewhere else besides here is better.
Including sitting in a big pile of money.
Love, Grace