Tag: wanting

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Do I really want it? Or does something bigger than “it” want me?

Right now, I find thoughts are ticker-taping through my life on money and eating, mostly because the money and eating courses are well underway.

I find it fascinating how these two forms of energy (money and food) have to do with consuming and taking in, but also letting go and releasing.

If money and our favorite food were lying on a table in front of us, we might see our hand reach out to take it.

I see it. I want it. I could take it. I’ll take it. I have it. It’s mine!

Did it provide what I was looking for? Did it give me what I really wanted?

Sometimes, this very pattern is extremely unsatisfying, but compelling: Working very hard and long hours for money. Eating way too much.

To explore this cycle, what if we went back to the seeing it, before we grabbed it or consumed it or used it, and paused right there?

Sometimes, the first time we “see” something we want is in our minds. The food or money isn’t around, but we picture it vividly. The color, the feel, the bank account statement, the spending, the texture, the possibilities, the excitement, the security or the focus on this pleasurable thing.

This thing called food. This thing called money.

People will say in the classes as we’re looking at our beliefs these common and stressful thoughts: “I can’t stop eating” or “I can’t relax around money”.

So what if we looked today at this “wanting” experience that happens when an image comes to mind of food, or riches? This is before we get it, but we’re dang sure we want it. See how good it looks?

I want, want, want it. 

Is it true?

Huh? I mean….of course that’s true! What an odd question! I have tons of evidence of this being true. I’ve grabbed it a thousand billion times. I’ve consumed and spent it. I’ve used it. I’ve eaten it.

I am the one who wants that thing. It’s been true for so long.

Are you sure?

Can you absolutely know it’s true you want that pile of money or that bowl of sugar? Is there no room for any doubt at all? Are you positive…forever and ever?

Boinnnnggggg! (That’s like a cartoon frying pan hitting me on the cartoon head)!

I can’t know it’s true I want it! If I pause a moment, it seems like I don’t. I have no idea. Weird.  I thought I was in a frenzy every time, but now I’m not so sure. Woah.

Interesting.

How do you react when you think you waaaannnnntttt it?

That’s easy. I grab like a Tasmanian Devil. I feel very unsatisfied.

So who would you be without this stressful thought that you For Sure want what you’re looking at? (Oh that cash, on that ice cream, oh that love, oh that attention, oh that success….)

Oh my. I’d start laughing.

Without the belief I want it?

Haha!

And something opens up, because maybe I really wanted something else all along. Maybe I want safety, security, love, soothing from serious trauma in the past, connection, intimacy.

So often, I wanted intimacy–to really join closely with someone. Food was next best thing. Money was for those other people who deserved it.

Turning the thought around: I don’t want it. My thinking wants it. Not “I” or me.  

How could this be just as true, or truer?

It didn’t really fulfill me. It didn’t eliminate the pain. I didn’t feel comfortable even after I had it. Spending or eating or hoarding or starving all happened, and still something feels empty or too full.

I’ve also worked with so many people with tons of money who aren’t perfectly content. Or who are eating the perfect diet, and they aren’t satisfied.

Turning the thought around again: It wants me.

How could this be true?

I know this sounds cosmic. Like, what is “it”? Seriously? Are we talking the food wants me, or the money? That doesn’t even make sense.

But I like this turnaround anyway. Life wants me. Love wants me. The present moment wants me, fully here, not half here, not wanting-ly here full of my complaints about what is.

God, Allah, The Friend, Presence, Surrender, Rest, Being wants me, the real true me that is not alone and not abandoned and not freaking out and too scared to inquire.

I Am and I Am Not
I’m drenched
in the flood 
which has yet to come 
I’m tied up 
in the prison
which has yet to exist
Not having played
the game of chess
I’m already the checkmate
Not having tasted
a single cup of your wine
I’m already drunk
Not having entered
the battlefield
I’m already wounded and slain
I no longer
know the difference
between image and reality
Like the shadow
I am
And
I am not
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

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Trapped In Thoughts For Now

A lovely inquirer at the Breitenbush 4 day retreat several years ago said she had a common “problem”.

She was single, but pining over someone.

Until this moment, I didn’t know about how much pining, longing, curiosity, and imagining had been happening in her mind.

It turned out, she had been on a sports team with the person who she dreamed of for two years.

She explained to me how she would see the Other Beloved Person running, moving, talking….and watch them. Open eyes, but quiet, from a distance, wanting more.

Two years? I perked up my ears.

That’s a long time, I thought, and a lot of opportunity to connect and get to know one another. And yet, she had never even had more than a two minute conversation with the person of interest.

Wow…I wondered what was going on?

There she was, dreaming of a potential love possibility, feeling passionate and admiring from a distance, finding pleasure at watching this “other”, but never moving towards that person to ask for more time, even a longer conversation.

Never reaching out with the question: can I spend some time with you?

And then, a wave of sadness crossed her face as she spoke with me, and she said “I tell myself I’m going to go over there and strike up a conversation…..but then I chicken out, over and over. I procrastinate. I say I’ll do it next time.”

I could see the self-criticism piled up on her back like the weight of the world.

She shared a flood of thoughts about how she never acted fast enough, she was too nervous, she put things off too much.

A great stream of self-criticism and frustration with herself came out.

I knew this is common, but tricky…because the self-attack can cover up the potential fear or discomfort we might have of actually doing something.

“We would all change if we knew how. This inquiry is how.” ~ Byron Katie 

I could feel myself agreeing with her, nodding. Yes, you should go for it. No, you shouldn’t be so careful. Yes, you should stop procrastinating. Yes, you should ask. No, you shouldn’t wait any longer.

However….what was happening, despite these kinds of ideas about getting oneself to go for it, was no action.

So was it true that this dear woman sitting with me should take action, muster up the courage to make further contact, break through her discomfort, go for it?

No. That is not what was happening.

I might think so. I might think that action would be more satisfying, that procrastinating on this further would be agonizing, that she should speak up.

But I really do not know what is best for this dear inquirer.

I remember Byron Katie talking with a woman once about similar stressful thoughts. The woman said “but Katie, I could never ask that person for attention…it would be so rude.”

Katie responded “then don’t ask”.

No prodding, pushing, cajoling, expecting.

Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own lessons, growth, insights.

Who would I be without the thought that she would be happier asserting herself?

Who would I be without the thought that something would be better off happening, than NOT happening?

What about my own situations….when I have had the thought that I should take action, but I don’t? That I ought to raise my hand, talk, ask, make a request, speak up, offer my opinion, participate more actively?

Who would I be without the thought that I should do anything, or that it is “right” and “strong” to do so, and “wrong” or “weak” not to do so?

I relax.

Without all the ideas about who should speak up, and when, and what I think would be better…there is an open, alive, very sweet discussion.

We enter the unknown.

We suddenly can see the next layer below…the one that loves the dream, the one not wanting to risk destroying the fantasy, the one that is very simply enjoying, without further contact, a tender, sweet appreciation with nothing more required.

Without the thought that anyone, including you, is procrastinating, then this is a new moment right now.

There is no fear of failure, or a list of what should be happening. A new, empty, open moment. With an idea arising in it. A creative impulse to go THAT way, over there.

I relax commands on myself, treating myself with meanness and harshness like a dictator, and then comes a spark that I could also question the idea that I could lose.

Without one harsh thought, the next stressful thought can appear, and that one can be unearthed.

Without the thought that procrastination is happening and it is bad….this woman sees how afraid she’s been of losing this feeling in her heart of appreciation and love when gazing upon someone from afar.

I could lose something, if I ask somebody for time, attention, help, support, contact….I could receive a “no”….I could get disappointed….

….is that true?

Yes!

Absolutely 100% true?

No.

But who would I be without the thought that I could lose something, lose connection, love, kindness, appreciation by speaking up, by making a request?

Without the thought that I could lose anything….my mind is open and I’m in this present moment.

I can give you some guidance, but I can’t give you any hope. You’re hoping that it will get better at some point in the future (and I’m not saying it won’t) but it has to get better internally NOW….The situation is as it is, but one begins to form a conceptual image of oneself as failing. And as the conceptual image of yourself failing gets strengthened, you experience emotions that correspond to those mental images and thoughts….But if you were not trapped in your thoughts, you could look on this situation as an opportunity. ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love that all that is necessary (and not even necessary) is being here, present and noticing.

Instead of a risk, or a hassle, carefulness, avoidance, or worry about this situation and this thing I want….what if there is an opportunity for something to shift right NOW?

Much love,

Grace

 

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I Love Wanting Vs I Hate Not Having

It was a very hot summer day in August, with green lush watered grass in the back yard and a cool white cement patio, with the picnic table set for my sister’s birthday party.

She was turning 8. I was 9.

I had been aware of party preparations all morning. My mom had returned with a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake in a big pink box. 

My feelings were very unsettled. Back then, as a kid, it never would have occurred to me to see my own feelings as a part of me. They were ALL of me.

As guests began to arrive, I started frowning. How come she gets an ice cream cake? I’ve never had one of those for MY birthday.

She’s getting a lot of presents, too. All shapes and sizes. Some of them are really big. They’re starting to take up space at the end of the patio table.

I went into my room and picked up the book I was part way through, sitting on my bedside table.

Three minutes later I went back out again. I could hardly stand watching all the guests and presents and activity building, and yet I could hardly stand NOT watching all the guest and presents and activity building.

I didn’t know what this was called at the time. Envy. 

These feelings were the result of some very stressful thoughts. The kinds of thoughts I would never admit to later on, as an adult, not even to myself.

  • she gets more than me
  • I’m missing out and there is no way for me to get what she has
  • there is not enough attention, love, care for me
  • I have nothing by comparison
  • I’m not good enough
  • I must do something, change this situation, win
  • I am very selfish for having these thoughts and feelings
  • there is something wrong with me

Ooooh. Double Bad. Not Enough and Something Wrong all at once.

The whole afternoon I went back and forth between my bedroom and the party, never participating in any of the games, and not taking a place at the beautifully decorated table with place names and little cups of candy.

The way I felt inside you would think I was watching  a horror movie. Especially as my sister opened all the presents. 

Oh god, not a BARBIE doll….oh no, a complete new outfit? Oh jeez, not a Partridge Family poster. 

She is so, so lucky lucky lucky and I am NOT.

And then. The worst. 

She unwrapped a medium sized box shape of gorgeous white paper with yellow, pink and blue streamers on it. A tape recorder. And a package of blank tapes. 

I stamped my foot from the edge of the patio, turned on my heel, and left in a huge fury. 

I WANT THAT!!!!!!!

Oh if only I had a way to stop and question my thinking at the time. But I can do it now, from the future (which is now the present).

Is it true that my sister has, and I have not, in that situation? Is it true that I am going without, and that it is terrible that today is not my birthday?

Yes. That’s how I felt. Yes. It is TERRIBLE.

Can I absolutely know that this is true, that I have nothing, that these gifts mean I am not receiving, that I don’t have something wonderful, and that I could never get it?

Oh. Now that you put it that way….not at all true. 

The way I react when I notice, with a vengeance, that I am lacking something is that I want to scream and I feel hopeless, frightened, full of pure comparison. It’s like fear of Not Having and Never Getting.

Who would I be without the thought that I am bereft, without, less than? Without the thought that there’s a competition going on?

This is a very important question. To truly imagine NO LACK in this moment. 

Who would I be without the thought that someone else has more, and that it MEANS I’m not getting it?

I allow this moment, this memory, to melt in without the thought that there is anything wrong….I smile so wide. I notice flashing images of many other moments, later in life, even as an adult (Yes, I confess!) when I saw someone else who apparently had much more, and felt uncomfortable.

But now, here, without that thought that any of this means anything, that it means I’m not getting something EVER, or that I’m not good enough, or unlucky, or being forced to go without.  

It is so very exciting, without the thought! The colors, the beauty, the joy, the buzz, the creativity, the wonder, the excitement, the possibilities!

  • we get the same of what is truly important and valuable, the same
  • I’m gaining awareness and I am getting everything I need and beyond, I am getting new ideas, I am seeing the pleasure of this world
  • there is enough attention, love, care for me
  • I have everything! This comparison is thrilling!
  • I am good enough to be here, being myself, without it being MY birthday
  • I must do nothing, enjoy this situation, lose
  • I am normal for having these thoughts and feelings
  • there is something right with me, as an observer

“Come, seek, for search is the foundation of fortune:  every success depends upon focusing the heart.” ~ Rumi

 

If you are interested in celebrating the joy of desire, and investigating your thoughts of lack or having less….come join the 8 week MONEY teleclass starting Tuesday morning! You’ll be glad you did! 

Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to talk about partial scholarship help or have other questions or are ready to register. Just hit Reply to this email.

“We all move at our own speed.” ~ Byron Katie

With Love, Grace

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Wanting Something Reminds You To See If You Have It (You Do)

One of the most painful ways I used to pick at myself was through comparison of my life to Other People With Money.

I still notice a sense of embarrassment that appears when remembering what went on in my mind when I was in lots of turmoil about income, having enough, receiving, getting money, making money, wanting money.

I would step out of my cute little cottage and down the front porch steps between the two cherry trees to go on a walk in my neighborhood, something I did often, maybe several times a week.

I’d notice the fresh smell, look into the beautiful sky, get about 100 yards to my first right turn, and then….oh look.

Here I am again on the street of the Lucky People, the ones with all the money, who can afford the beachfront houses with docks.

One after the other images passed by, as I walked.

This gorgeous house, that ornamental tree, this lush fountain, that full sized statue from a distant land, the razor-trimmed lawn, that mercedes.

Boy, that must be nice. 

I would actually think this with a sarcastic voice.

How did they get their money? What’s the trick?! Where’d they get that marble? How can they afford to completely demolish their previous house and put up a freakin’ brand new one?

They are a million miles from me in life experience, and ten million dollars.

I am over here, living in 710 square feet and a weedy unkempt lawn not able to go see Byron Katie or do that meditation retreat because I can’t pay the program fees.

The people in these houses are having fun, they are free, secure, educated, they can breathe, fill their larders with fabulous groceries, order take-out, and attend any workshops, trainings or adventures they want.

And they probably buy jet skis instead! They don’t even realize how good they have it!

Hoooooooonnnnnk!

That honking noise means “Everyone, get out of the water, NOW!”

Guess who “everyone” is? Yes, that’s right. That would be the Complaints-About-Money Committee in my own head.

All these voices jabbering, swimming and splashing and shouting stressful, troubling, uncomfortable, Poor Me, Lucky Them beliefs.

These voices can be quite sophisticated and subtle, and faster than a speeding bullet.

They can say “well, I’m not ultra rich like THAT, I could start a non-profit (I should), I’m wasting my opportunities, I don’t even care that much about money, there are people starving so at least I’m not suffering…”

The time to stop is when you feel stress. Whatever your thoughts, when the feelings are uncomfortable or sad, or disturbing, or irritated…that’s how you know to listen to the horn when it blows, and get out.

Which means…stop, take a breath, and go get a pen and paper.

Stop believing the rapid-fire comparisons that keep a gap as wide as the Grand Canyon between me and Those Other People, between me and my own joy and happiness.

Many times, I returned home from my walk and sat down and began to write.

I would be happy if I had more money.

Is that true?

Oh, absolutely!! I can tell, because when I look at these houses and gardens and cars right out there around the corner, I KNOW those equal happiness.

Um. Yeah. Now that I realize what I just wrote…

No, I can’t absolutely know it’s true that money = happiness.

In fact, I didn’t actually see any people out there who weren’t like me, just humans out on a street moving from point A to point B.

But what about the workshops and trainings? They are happier because they can go to them!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you need a training? Are you sure you absolutely could not be happy unless in this moment you were at a meditation retreat with a great enlightened master?

Really?

Are you sure you cannot enlighten yourself, make friends with the Complaint Committee, be at peace, rest, know God/Source/Reality right where you are?

Because wouldn’t that be a weird universe if truth only existed over there, not over here?

Even if things are falling apart over here (apparently, in your opinion remember) ….like your bank balance?

Who would you be without the belief that you really need more money in order to be truly happy?

(Or education, health, beauty, peace, knowledge, wisdom, balance, silence, companionship, courage, recognition).

But, this feels almost like the opposite of the way I’ve thought since I was five.

Not needing MORE of something? Not needing some kind of improvement?

And yet…impossible or foreign as it seems at first…as you enter into this unknown territory of imagining who you would be without the belief that you need more of something….

….what fun. How incredible. Stunning.

“Everyone has equal wisdom. It is absolutely equally distributed. No one is wiser than anyone else. Ultimately, there is no one who can teach you, except yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the beliefs around that I need money, I need retreats, I need that house over there, I want success (and I know what success is)…I consider not needing any of these things.

Standing there on the street, looking all around, walking back to my cottage, entering and sitting…I feel completely how I do not need more money to have this moment, to be breathing here now, to have taken a walk.

I do not need a retreat, because as it turns out, I am in complete silence entirely alone, with a stretch of hours ahead of me….

…and who’s your favorite teacher?!!

That would be me.

And when it isn’t, thank goodness for questioning the mind!

“Whenever I want an object, it’s not really the object I want. I want the experience the object will give me. Even if it’s a secure life and lots of money, what experience will I get when I have that? Is it here now? Is there anything deeper than that? And deeper than that? It will lead you right back into a state of presence….WHY you’re wanting is because the fulfillment is already there, trying to get your attention!” ~ Adyashanti

Perhaps all the money, luxury, ease, security, knowledge, wisdom, retreats, adventure, workshops, power, or enlightenment that have entered my consciousness at the moments I’ve wanted them are because the universe was reminding me I ALREADY HAVE THEM.

Perhaps those little (or desperately huge) wantings have been gifts, reminders.

Helping me remember that there is nothing, nothing, nothing outside of me that will bring me greater happiness than is already present.

My inner truth will not let me off the hook, going swimming in the lake of believing somewhere else besides here is better.

Including sitting in a big pile of money.

Love, Grace