It was a very hot summer day in August, with green lush watered grass in the back yard and a cool white cement patio, with the picnic table set for my sister’s birthday party.
She was turning 8. I was 9.
I had been aware of party preparations all morning. My mom had returned with a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake in a big pink box.
My feelings were very unsettled. Back then, as a kid, it never would have occurred to me to see my own feelings as a part of me. They were ALL of me.
As guests began to arrive, I started frowning. How come she gets an ice cream cake? I’ve never had one of those for MY birthday.
She’s getting a lot of presents, too. All shapes and sizes. Some of them are really big. They’re starting to take up space at the end of the patio table.
I went into my room and picked up the book I was part way through, sitting on my bedside table.
Three minutes later I went back out again. I could hardly stand watching all the guests and presents and activity building, and yet I could hardly stand NOT watching all the guest and presents and activity building.
I didn’t know what this was called at the time. Envy.
These feelings were the result of some very stressful thoughts. The kinds of thoughts I would never admit to later on, as an adult, not even to myself.
- she gets more than me
- I’m missing out and there is no way for me to get what she has
- there is not enough attention, love, care for me
- I have nothing by comparison
- I’m not good enough
- I must do something, change this situation, win
- I am very selfish for having these thoughts and feelings
- there is something wrong with me
Ooooh. Double Bad. Not Enough and Something Wrong all at once.
The whole afternoon I went back and forth between my bedroom and the party, never participating in any of the games, and not taking a place at the beautifully decorated table with place names and little cups of candy.
The way I felt inside you would think I was watching a horror movie. Especially as my sister opened all the presents.
Oh god, not a BARBIE doll….oh no, a complete new outfit? Oh jeez, not a Partridge Family poster.
She is so, so lucky lucky lucky and I am NOT.
And then. The worst.
She unwrapped a medium sized box shape of gorgeous white paper with yellow, pink and blue streamers on it. A tape recorder. And a package of blank tapes.
I stamped my foot from the edge of the patio, turned on my heel, and left in a huge fury.
I WANT THAT!!!!!!!
Oh if only I had a way to stop and question my thinking at the time. But I can do it now, from the future (which is now the present).
Is it true that my sister has, and I have not, in that situation? Is it true that I am going without, and that it is terrible that today is not my birthday?
Yes. That’s how I felt. Yes. It is TERRIBLE.
Can I absolutely know that this is true, that I have nothing, that these gifts mean I am not receiving, that I don’t have something wonderful, and that I could never get it?
Oh. Now that you put it that way….not at all true.
The way I react when I notice, with a vengeance, that I am lacking something is that I want to scream and I feel hopeless, frightened, full of pure comparison. It’s like fear of Not Having and Never Getting.
Who would I be without the thought that I am bereft, without, less than? Without the thought that there’s a competition going on?
This is a very important question. To truly imagine NO LACK in this moment.
Who would I be without the thought that someone else has more, and that it MEANS I’m not getting it?
I allow this moment, this memory, to melt in without the thought that there is anything wrong….I smile so wide. I notice flashing images of many other moments, later in life, even as an adult (Yes, I confess!) when I saw someone else who apparently had much more, and felt uncomfortable.
But now, here, without that thought that any of this means anything, that it means I’m not getting something EVER, or that I’m not good enough, or unlucky, or being forced to go without.
It is so very exciting, without the thought! The colors, the beauty, the joy, the buzz, the creativity, the wonder, the excitement, the possibilities!
- we get the same of what is truly important and valuable, the same
- I’m gaining awareness and I am getting everything I need and beyond, I am getting new ideas, I am seeing the pleasure of this world
- there is enough attention, love, care for me
- I have everything! This comparison is thrilling!
- I am good enough to be here, being myself, without it being MY birthday
- I must do nothing, enjoy this situation, lose
- I am normal for having these thoughts and feelings
- there is something right with me, as an observer
“Come, seek, for search is the foundation of fortune: every success depends upon focusing the heart.” ~ Rumi
If you are interested in celebrating the joy of desire, and investigating your thoughts of lack or having less….come join the 8 week MONEY teleclass starting Tuesday morning! You’ll be glad you did!
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“We all move at our own speed.” ~ Byron Katie
With Love, Grace