I could take one last person in the Money Beliefs class that starts tonight….write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re interested. We meet on the phone or skype 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific Time for 8 weeks.
We’ll question painful concepts about money and what we do with it…work, business, buying, spending, wealth, poverty, needing, marketing.
And speaking of marketing….
Wait! Before you think that “marketing” doesn’t apply to you in any way, shape, or form because you’re not someone in business…
….I’ve had an incredible time inquiring into my thoughts about marketing (making announcements, making an offer) and absolutely everything that I think it means when someone else is doing it, or when I myself am doing it.
Asking for something we want, or saying no, or negotiating a trade is more common than you may think, off the top of your head.
What I mean by marketing in this context is that fascinating space of being in this world, apparently in a body, and being sparked to make trades….to ask someone for something, to respond to someone who is asking you for something, to have expectations, to have something satisfied, to offer something, to make an exchange.
A trade in the most broad sense of the word….I give you this, you give me that.
If it’s a good trade, we are both happy and more excited than we were before (that’s the goal at least, so we think).
But oh boy, when the trade is NOT so good…it can really hurt….if you’re believing your stressful thoughts.
This arena of making a trade is the action connected to acquiring something…..anything.
For example, I feel hungry, I go to the market and buy some food, taking money with me to trade for it.
These kinds of trades are fairly simple (although they do raise some really interesting stressful thoughts inside people sometimes)….and they often have to do directly with money being moved from one person to another, in exchange for a service or a thing.
But there are also fascinating parts of all these trades that are made around emotional contact between people.
- I give you attention, emotional support, appreciation….you give me encouragement, a place to live, and love.
- He gives her entertainment, fancy clothes, exotic and expensive experiences…she gives him physical touch, taking care of his physical environment, house cleaning.
- She gives her parents company, conversation, respect…they give their daughter success pep talks, college tuition, encouragement.
- She gives him hope, acceptance, freedom from loneliness, witty jokes….he gives her praise, adoration, gifts.
- He gives his friend fun, playfulness, intimacy….the friend gives him availability, empathy, an easy-going “yes” to all his ideas.
- I do good deeds and behave well and kindly….God gives me favorable circumstances in life.
You may have noticed by now that these trades, while constantly occurring between people, are a bit tricky.
And kind of gross if their spiked with neediness, desperation, volatility, or intense expectation.
There is no peace in some of these trades. People feel trapped in the deal. Unable to move on, unable to enjoy staying.
They’re getting what they want sort of, they’re trading what they’re willing to trade, sort of.
When stress arises in your beliefs about what you give and what you receive between YOU and SOMEONE ELSE, and something is off for you (or the other person) then it is a great time to look at what that other person is offering that bugs you, or what you think you are offering that has a cost, and investigate:
- he should pay the bills, since I give so much love
- she should be supportive of my new career
- he should stop promoting himself, I already said NO
- she should not have gotten angry when I made a request
- my encouragement should help him change
- they expect too much of me
- I need her to be solvent so I can feel secure
- I can’t change my mind because I made a vow
- if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then I’ll be out on the street, and my situation will be worse
- I must be doing something wrong
Holy Moly…its amazing how many of us humans will stick with a deal we’ve got going because if we protest or say we don’t want to make that deal anymore….we’ll be criticized, guilty, banished, regretful, alone.
I see how I’ve reacted when I think I’ve done my part, I believe that other person should do their part….and they don’t. Or vice versa.
Outrage! Fear! Confusion! Disappointment! Tired.
This whole trade would be waaaaaaay better if that person did a better job at their part.
Or maybe its me, and I should be doing a better job at my part.
“We always want someone else to change so that we will feel good. But has it ever struck you that even if your wife changes or your husband changes, what does that do to you? You’re just as vulnerable as before; you’re just as idiotic as before; you’re just as asleep as before. You are the one who needs to change, who needs to take medicine.” ~ Anthony De Mello
Making trades are natural to humans, and can be really fun.
And when they are not fun, it may be time to do The Work and find out what you’re expecting from that other person, what you think you’ll lose if you stop making a trade with them.
It may be time to see what you’re believing about Reality, what you think it should be giving you that it’s not giving you.
Or maybe how you think you should improve, that you should become a better person so that life will work better.
I look at the turnarounds to all I have believed, as I question my assumptions:
- I should pay the bills, and give love to myself
- I should be supportive of my new career
- he should promote himself as long as he does, I can give a truly loving and simple no and it can be heard
- I should not have gotten angry when she made a request
- my encouragement should help me change
- they expect just the right amount from me
- I need me to be solvent so I can feel secure
- I can change my mind, my vow is to peace
- if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then my situation will be better
- I must be doing something right
“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say ‘I love you,’ you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade.” ~ Byron Katie
As I do The Work over time, and question expectations, what I think others should give, what I think I should give them, what happens when I announce or ask for something, what I believe would be best….
….the world becomes so much lighter, relationships easier and easier, the future less and less important.
Asking, receiving, attracting, offering, creating, trading….everything becomes easier, and tons more fun, in the present moment.
“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55
Love, Grace