Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Your Kid Might Notice That It’s Working

Huge thank you for everyone who has sent me comments about the new little guidebook Top Ten Stressful Thoughts in Stressed-Out Parents Minds That Keep Them Struggling With Their Kids. If you’d like to send it to anyone, forward them this Grace Note!

And if you’d like to say “I didn’t get the part about….” then write me!

They can download it HERE. Parenting teleclass starts January 27, 2014 on Monday evenings Pacific time 5:15, or in February on Monday mornings.

(You can also get the parenting guidebook on my website HERE plus more info about the teleclasses).

Just yesterday, our Tuesday YOI Group (Year of Inquiry) spent some time looking at those darn people, like the children, who we’re really close to. These so often fall into one of these three categories: mate, child or parent.

Arrgggh! Don’t these people just drive you bananas sometimes?

I figure if you sort it out internally with ONLY one or two of these people, you could have a shifting perspective on trust, love and acceptance that might permeate the entire rest of your life, in truly amazing ways.

Today our group questioned the belief “I want him/her to be reliable”. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

Some of us were thinking about our teenagers, some of about our spouses, some of us about one of our parents.

Same thought. Same distress.

As we began The Work, I remembered how I had done The Work on my kid being late, a scene where I huffed and puffed and slammed the car door and drove him in a fury to school, telling him he needs to catch the bus and how inconvenient this is for me.

I had been so upset that I knew I needed to sit down and slowly do The Work. Not a fast-inquiry-job in my head….but a slow, deep one.

As our group began to inquiry together, I remembered another scene, a few weeks AFTER I did The Work….a very similar scene, with a different outcome.

It is a dark, winter morning. The big blue retro kitchen clock reads 7:11 am.

My son has not yet come out of the bathroom, and I still hear the shower running. His bus leaves the corner at 7:26. He should walk out the door at 7:22. He really should be eating breakfast, which he tends to skip, at 7:15. He should be getting dressed therefore at 7:12.

That’s in one minute.

Right now, at 7:11, the water in the shower should be turning OFF.

He’s 17 years old, for crying out loud! WHY CAN’T HE CATCH THE DAMN BUS?!

Why can’t you be RELIABLE? How hard can it be?

I lectured before, I’ve asked “is there anything I can do to help you?”. I’ve been reasonable, I’ve decided I won’t worry about it anymore.

I’ve done The Work, but here this familiar worry is approaching again.

It’s 7:11 and my pulse is starting to quicken and I’m getting nervous. How am I going to handle this situation. I have a teleclass at 8:00 am, on questioning your stressful beliefs. 

I say to myself “I should change my teleclass schedule from now on just to take into consideration his lateness“.

BUT! I will NOT change my own work schedule to accommodate HIM being LATE!

Tick-tick-tick-tick. It’s 7:13.

I feel the wave of worry….as I put on the kettle and get out my tea cup.

Then The Work enters my mind, as I am moving and watching my hand open a tea bag. Like a wide open feeling, not even quite a thought…..something stops. Wait, look, feel….is it true something terrible is happening, something uncomfortable, unfortunate, wrong, a mistake, a moment needing adjustment?

Remember your Work?

Is your stress necessary? Is this bad?

No….why, no. The wave recedes back. The kettle boils. The water pours. Almost in slow motion, and yet, within 2 minutes, I remember who I would be without the thought that he is late. That this shouldn’t be happening.

Well, look at that. Oh my. Amazing.

I turn the thoughts around, or they turn themselves around: this is fine, he is OK, he is learning something, if he misses the bus I can drive him part way so I myself am not late, he could have another tardy and that is not a problem, I love riding with him in the morning, he is taking all this in about school, alarms, intention, action, clarity, time, clocks. 

I don’t even know that he is unhappy about this “risk” of not getting credit or something happening as a result of these late mornings.

At 7:15 the shower turns off. At 7:17 he is moving through the kitchen to his room. As he passes me I cheer and laugh, smiling at how adorable he looks “Go Ben! Go Ben!”

At 7:20 he comes back through the kitchen with his back pack on his back, his short wet hair already drying. I throw my arms around his very tall and thin body and give him a big hug, bursting with joy.

“Bye mom! I love you!” The front door slams behind him.

7:22. 

“Don’t worry about whether The Work is working or not. You’re just beginning to learn how to do it. It’s like riding a bike. All you need to do is keep wobbling on….And you won’t necessarily be the first to notice that it’s working. You may find, as many people have, that it doesn’t seem to have any effect now, but you have already shifted in ways you can’t feel yet. The Work can be very subtle and profound.” ~ Byron Katie 

 As Far As Freedom Goes, It Works

“It never ceases to amaze me how much can be learned in an hour and a half. An awareness I got from class combined with an emotional collision with my mate yesterday I learned this: I want others to be happy so I don’t get “infected by their misery”. Is that true and furthermore, is it working?….Loving what is still strikes me as bizarre and as far a freedom goes, it works!” ~ SW, Year Of Inquiry YOI Participant  

With Love, Grace

P.S. Are you thinking about YOI in 2014? January group starts on Fridays 1/10 for an entire year of inquiry. Limited to 14 people. Already filling. Click HERE to read more.

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Bills Bills Bills And The End of Suffering

I now know when my surgery will be: December 10th. A surgeon will be pinning my right torn hamstring back onto the pelvic bone.

When the date was set recently, guess what was one of the thoughts that ran through my mind?

How much will this cost? 

I know that medical procedures usually generate all kinds of bills. Something arrives in the mail from a lab, the doctor, the facility, the radiologist, another lab, the surgeon.

Bills!

What a great item for The Work.

A piece of paper comes in an envelope, addressed to you, and there is a number, and you owe that amount to the company, the organization, the service provider.

I love noticing the feeling inside when opening a bill and seeing “I owe” and watching if there is worry, frustration, nervousness, disappointment.

Any feeling at all of not liking the out-flow of money, of not liking that bill.

I don’t like it! I wish I didn’t have to pay this! 

Is it true?

Yes!

Although…almost as I’m saying “yes” I think “not really”.

I love the flow in and out of money. I love paying for wonderful service, for learning, for education, for healing help, for shelter, food, clothing.

But that little worry about not having enough….the amounts draining the bank account. The analysis of whether something is “worth” it or not.

How do I react when I believe the thought that this better be worth it?

The mind kicks in to the analysis zone, weighing and measuring something that often can’t quite be measured clearly. It gets all busy trying to see what things are worth….using a lot of energy.

What’s the value of my hamstring being sewn back to where it is supposed to go? Priceless. It’s worth it.

And if I didn’t have any health insurance? Still true.  

“My job is to be happy and wait. Decisions are easy. It’s the story you tell about them that isn’t easy. When you jump out of a plane and you pull the parachute cord and it doesn’t open, you feel fear, because you have the next cord to pull. So you pull that one, and it doesn’t open. And that’s the last cord. Now there’s no decision to make. When there’s no decision, there’s no fear, so just enjoy the trip! And that’s my position—I’m a lover of what is. What is: no cord to pull. It’s already happening. Free fall. I have nothing to do with it.” ~ Byron Katie 

This amount comes in, that amount goes out, in and out, up and down, I just know what to do next, what’s possible, what’s available, what is not available. 

Without the thought that I don’t like this or I don’t want to pay this bill?

I see how I am absolutely and completely fine right now in this moment, no matter what number is appearing on a paper.

I turn the thought around: I like this! I want to pay this bill!  

What a completely fun, relaxed, exciting, playful alternative!

I can be happy, no matter how much I pay, owe, give, deliver, offer. In fact, it’s VERY exciting.

“There’s no suffering in eating spaghetti with a thin tomato sauce (this is just one little example here, that stands for many things) rather than a nice, specially prepared sauce for pasta. But if suddenly, thought arises, and you think “this is what it has come to”, or “I have to eat this watery sauce, the cheapest food there is”, or “I’ve failed” or “I probably won’t find another job, because billions of people are now looking for jobs and it’s pointless” or “I’ll have to eat the same thing tomorrow” – [these thoughts] are where the suffering comes from. The suffering also comes from the diminished sense of self-worth, now where is that? Of course that’s in your head.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Right in the moment I am opening a bill, looking at the number, writing a check or making a bank transfer online….

….I can feel the thank-you, the joy of living this turnaround “I like paying this!”

If you find the idea tough…join us for the Money Teleclass that starts on December 5th in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace

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Dirty Nasty Money Thoughts

There was a long line at the local grocery store check out. A mom with a huge shopping cart full of food and her toddler son in the kid seat, and a young couple with a hand-held shopping basket were still in front of us.

I was with my boyfriend waiting in line. We had been dating for over two years and we knew each other pretty well, and loved each other’s company. 

This was the easiest, most natural, relaxed time I had ever had while dating.

No plans, rules, formalities, assumptions, expectations. Both of us married and divorced in the past, not so interested in “making” any commitments happen….very present moment and simple. There could be no tomorrow. No problem. 

Except…..

….we got to the check stand and the clerk rang up all our grocery items. We had four bags full of food, and some was for him, some was for me, some was for both of us. 

He wasn’t reaching for his wallet. The clerk said “that’ll be $72.91”. 

I was standing right in front of the grocery clerk, my boyfriend was still near the magazines and candy looking at the cover of something. 

I waited another second. I reached for my own wallet slowly. Inside my head “OMG I am going to HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS!” 

This was when he was supposed to look up and say “Oh! I got it!” and take out his credit card.

I’m adding up how much I have in my bank account, thinking about if there’s anything I could put back….

…mostly thinking about if there was some way I could HINT at the need for some financial participation here without saying “pay for this!”

Which would be sooooo rude.

Nothing. 

I came up with no possible way to ask for a contribution, or to get him to pay, that wouldn’t ALSO make me look like a sleeze-ball greed-monger cheap dependent poverty-oriented desperate sexist single mom.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Heh heh.

Why couldn’t he just have the mentality of LOVING being the guy that pays for everything? He should be THAT kinda guy!

Because then I feel taken care of, safe, secure, loved and supported. 

Yikes. 

Time for The Work. 

And all this came out of one short move that lasted literally 5 seconds. Him not taking out his wallet and not offering to pay.

  • he doesn’t care about me
  • he is not supportive
  • I’ll never get to relax financially in this relationship
  • if he doesn’t pay, it means he EXPECTS ME to pay
  • this is not safe
  • this is not fun, special or of financial benefit
  • he doesn’t make me feel like a pampered woman

Ewww. This was difficult for an independent, sister goddess, celebrating, joyful, feminine-powered woman to notice, that I imagined myself to be.

Another voice came in riding the tails of the first voice: You want the man to pay? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that’s from the slave-ownership man-dominated era? Aren’t the guys who always pay usually jerks?

And by the way, you can NEVER, EVER admit these thoughts, or he’d be shocked, hurt, upset and scared. 

Of course, I had done The Work for over two years solid on money, constantly (mostly since I had so little) and was living somehow with a mind that also constantly questioned itself, and was devoted to full-blown honesty (most of us find this more fun).

So ten minutes later, I was talking about just exactly what was inside my mind, on our walk home, carrying the groceries that I had just paid for.

I knew I wanted to enter who I would be WITHOUT the thought that any of those thoughts were true. I knew I was running stories.

My feelings told me.

I said to him, “I was just having these kinds of thoughts (see above bulleted list). But I realize I am assuming a LOT. I don’t know if it’s TRUE that you want ME to pay, that you don’t support me, or that you don’t think I’m worthy.”  

He was surprised and took out his wallet and gave me cash for half the amount, and told me he was absolutely happy to share expenses!

Hmmm. Different than the whole Its-On-Me thing. More….more….shared. 

Maybe who is paying for what has nothing to do with love, support, fun, specialness. Maybe relationships could have nothing to do with financial benefit, expectations for paying or not paying, safety, or being pampered. 

  • he does care about me, I don’t care about him, or myself right then (I was silent)
  • he is supportive….I was not supportive of myself in that moment
  • I am completely relaxed financially in every moment, when I really look
  • if he doesn’t pay, it does NOT mean he expects me to pay
  • this is safe, it is all safe
  • this is fun, special and of financial benefit, or not, so what?
  • I make me feel like a pampered woman (and so does he)

It was strange having all the walls fall down about money and relationship. But they were stories from ancient times….and they made no sense any more, for me.

The more I have questioned my dirty, nasty, embarrassing thoughts about money and who is supposed to pay, give, take or keep it and where it’s supposed to come from…

….the greater the freedom, the more relaxed, safe, supported, loved by all the universe, whether money is around or not. 

“How do you react when you believe that thought, that someone owes you? Now flow into who you would be without the thought that he owes you? Now turn the thought around…you owe him….you owe yourself….

This dream world that we call earth and life, it’s duality: good/evil, right/wrong, up/down, left/right, polarity. And as we question our mind, we leave the Other World, we leave the world of duality and we find ourselves in a whole other paradigm right here on earth. It leaves the world without an enemy.” ~ Byron Katie 

Come join the adventure of questioning your very painful, conflicting beliefs about money, earning, other people’s money, your mate’s money….with 8 weeks of inquiry, who knows what can happen. You may leave your world behind. 

The Money Teleclass starts in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace

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I Should Have Helped Her

This past weekend the sky was mostly gray, the leaves were mostly gone from all the trees and in thick clumps along the street, and my mind was mostly busy with thoughts that appeared random on the surface.

When my mind is buzzing then often there is a little anxious thought or two moving around, often related to the past or the future (they always are).

In the middle of many images and ideas, plans, thinking…I remembered a young professional woman from Europe who I worked with several years ago.

She had been involved with a man who had decided it was time to marry, but not her. She wasn’t the proper type for his family and what he wanted to preserve as his tradition, so he needed to move on.

She had been devastated, even though she had known already about his beliefs and family and that she didn’t fit into his tradition as a mate.

Her story brought out difficulty for her….but what she noticed about doing The Work was really interesting to me.

We had a couple of sessions and then she said “It’s not working”.

She told me she went right back to pining, longing, desperation, isolating, curling up in bed and crying about this lost relationship….

….even after finding great internal relief through doing The Work.

It’s like it didn’t “stick”. It didn’t really make a deep, ever-present change.

I suggested she attend an in-person retreat, go to The School, immerse herself in self-inquiry.

She never came back for another session.

I wondered about how she was doing and what else had unfolded in her fascinating life….and I also wondered about what is going on that she didn’t really get The Work.

Then I realized….this is time for ME to do The Work….not her.

  • I should have helped her
  • she was too stuck in her story
  • she didn’t go deep enough
  • she wasn’t truly questioning her beliefs
  • I want her to have what I have
  • I should have explained it better
  • I was missing something

Is it true that I should have done a better job, that I should have offered it differently? That I didn’t help her, and I should have?

Yes! I want every single person to get at least a spark of insight, but preferably a massive wave of awareness, of enlightenment…

…..I want them to end their stories, and feel the relief, the change, a stunning new way of looking at the world, at their entire lives.

They should feel a shift!

Really? Seriously? Everyone?

Well…no. No.

No one I have ever known or heard of has ever touched everyone in a way that produces awareness, enlightenment, freedom, relief.

Not even the great spiritual masters.

What am I even hoping for?

It all seemed suddenly very odd, all the thoughts I’ve ever had about helping other people, providing support, hope, a shift, some kind of change, a different perspective.

All these results have nothing to do with me, actually.  

How do I react when I believe the thought that I need to support, help, or provide some kind of shift or change for someone, and they are not experiencing one?

I feel like a failure, like I’m missing something, like I should be better, like I should say the right thing at the right time.

I think about the woman’s work and her despair, her worksheets, what we did The Work on and if there was a way I could have assisted her in getting to a different core belief.

I rehash her issue, her situation.

It’s not very kind, or easy, inside my own mind.

People feel this way sometimes when they’re dating, and someone says “no thanks”. Or when they’re interviewing for a job, and the employer says “not you”. Or when they’re getting chosen for a team and they’re chosen last.

So who would I be without the thought that someone saying “no thanks” meant I should have done it different, better, that I was missing something, or a failure?

Sooooo very grateful, full of wonder, smiling as I remember that lovely young woman.

Excited to continue the journey. Noticing the incredible range of people who show up to do The Work with me….the many situations and experiences they have.

Aware that there are so many healing modalities, practitioners, ways of working, methods, teachers….

….I myself have benefitted from so many. Not only The Work. The world is full of incredible creativity and offers so many ways to unravel stories and pain.

  • I should not have helped her
  • she was NOT too stuck in her story, I was too stuck in my story that she was stuck
  • she did go deep enough, she was so honest
  • she WAS truly questioning her beliefs, I wasn’t truly questioning my beliefs
  • I do NOT want her to have what I have, I want her to have what SHE has
  • I should NOT have explained it better
  • I was not missing anything

“No one has ever been able to control their thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I don’t let go of my thoughts–I meet them with understanding. Then THEY let go of me.~ Byron Katie 

“Can the inner weather be seen as impersonally as the outer weather, or do we imagine that the inner weather is my doing: my fault or my triumph?” ~ Joan Tollifson 

Oh boy! Any “no thank you” simply shows me the way reality moves.

Beautifully.

Love, Grace

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Those Grabby Poly-Amory People

It was dark, raining, almost-freezing night with a light dusting of snow from the day before in people’s yards. I was driving from one caroling party, with lively songs, and beautiful voices, to a second party #2 which I knew almost nothing about except that a man I liked said I should come.

It was already about 10 pm, but I was wide awake and on this adventure. Even though parking and entering the big house was pretty scary for me, normally pretty quiet and shy.

Entering the house….I noticed string red lights and lots of darkness, and electronica type trance music.

Cut to 30 minutes later, with me LEAVING that party. I realized there was something going on with hook-ups or casual sex.

Those Poly-Amorous People. Gawd, what grabby hungry entertainment pleasure addicts!!

One of my favorite ways of discovering and unearthing my frightening thoughts has been to look in a very general way at my concerns or judgments against whole groups of people.

And then….once I see them all crowded around me, as if I was going to a big convention with Those People…I allow memories to surface as I ask myself WHY?

Oh yeah. That’s right. I could do The Work on Those People at that party.

First, I needed to identify what it was that I was actually believing that made me feel so uncomfortable.

What bothers me about them? What?

When we do this exercise in the YOI Group for a month….lots and lots of fascinating generalizations come out of the people participating.

Everyone identifies a LOT of interesting Whole Groups.

Like Nazi’s, drug sellers, con artists, the IRS, complainers, anti-Americans, animal abusers, gamblers, violent protesters, porn addicts, street gangs, pedophiles….

….what are yours?

But then, we’ve found it’s important to get specific. To dig in a little.

What does it mean, to be a member of one of these groups? And do I have a unique situation where I can examine more deeply what might have bothered me?

Oh do I have to? Can’t I just stay up here on the surface and be all critical and separate? It seems safer.

It’s not though.

Sigh.

What do Those People think, say, do or feel that I feel the most afraid of?

I see the scene from that party, a man leering in, looking like he’s starving and I am meat.

  • He wants to grab, consume, he can’t get enough, can’t stop, he demands
  • He doesn’t care what I think
  • He doesn’t care about me at all, unless I supply him with pleasure
  • He gets bored easily, he’s not interested in true intimacy
  • He’s addicted to merging

OK, good now to take a look at this deep separation, this judgment.

Is this true? Can I really know he thinks I’m meat?

I take a very deep breath. I’m realizing how angry I feel. I want to say “yes”.

Can I absolutely know that these things are true about him?

No. I don’t even KNOW this man. I had one interaction with him for literally 2 minutes.

I was bunching him into the box of THAT kind of guy. Those Men. But I really can’t know that he is what I am thinking about him.

Who would I be without the thought that he is grabby, doesn’t care about me, is an addict, isn’t interested in true intimacy (which I’m not even sure what that is) or that he can’t stop himself?

I’d probably laugh when he leaned in and said “let’s go upstairs!” And I don’t mean laugh with mocking….I mean laugh with surprise.

I’d think it was fascinating. Really? I could find out if I wanted to go upstairs…I don’t really know what it means now, do I?

Without these thoughts, I am free to go or stay or leave or do whatever I want or need at any moment. I could ask him more questions, ones that I would like to ask, like “why do you want to go upstairs?” or “what are your intentions?”

I turn all these thoughts around and discover myself, in all of them.

  • I want to grab, consume, I can’t get enough, can’t stop, I demand: yes, I’ve been this way with food, that’s for sure….my own form of pleasure and escape
  • I don’t care what I think: yes, I’ve made sure I’m nice when solicited, instead of direct and honest with NO
  • I don’t care about him at all, unless he supplies me with pleasure: yes, I would only have talked with him further if I had felt safe and pleased in his company 
  • I get bored easily, I’m not interested in true intimacy: well, I was outta there in minutes…I gave him no time at all, I was not interested in true intimacy
  • I’m addicted to merging: I wanted only to connect if it felt like we were simpatico, similar, amigos. Otherwise, I separated.

“Who would you be without the belief that those people should be civil and polite?…..Can you feel the pain of going through life dictating ‘they should this, they should that, they’d be better if’ and do it as if you KNOW, like ‘I’m the knower here!’ ” ~ Byron Katie

In the moment I think of Them as different, separate, wrong…uncomfortable to be around…

…maybe that’s a moment I am being invited to connect.

First, I make contact with myself and feel how happy I am being here, being me.

Then I connect with them as a human being, and perhaps I have something to say, perhaps I do not.

The feeling inside is compassion and clarity, not rage, or superiority.

All is well here, all is well.

Our Wonderful Sexuality begins in January on Tuesdays for 8 weeks. Join us if you feel burdened by these kinds of painful beliefs. You may find joyful freedom on the other side.

Love, Grace

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Can You Feel Harmony Without That Thing You Want?

All this waiting to hear about surgery! I can’t stand it! 

Ha ha! Because of course I can, the evidence is clear that I AM standing it.

(For those of you who haven’t heard…my right hamstring was torn and it has to be pinned back to the pelvic bone).

It will be a few weeks before I’m going under the knife…I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, besides the astonishing discovery that there is a leg, and a hamstring that is apparently disconnected from the bone, there are lots of other exciting thoughts of DISCONNECTION streaming through the mind.

A woman not long ago came to me, worried about her failed relationships…one after the other…and now she was once again single.

This is not an uncommon thought, that someone feels disconnected from partnership, intimacy, love, abundance.

When someone is apparently “single” all sorts of thoughts enter that can be painful and troubling, depending on your situation.

We looked at what this woman was thinking and believing that was painful, besides the obvious thought “I need a boyfriend.”

Why?

  • a partner will bring me happiness, security, joy, laughter
  • not having a partner means I’m doing something wrong
  • if I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t be lonely
  • I would have lots of sex, pleasure, companionship
  • I would receive attention, be supported
  • life would be less expensive
  • I could support someone else, give to them, take care of them

The thing is, when there is a lot of apparent “advantage” in having a life partner….people without one start to think of themselves as being failures, having less than those others WITH partners.

And some people start attacking the “problem” with a vengeance. I WILL GET A PARTNER OR DIE!

But questioning these beliefs about all these apparent advantages can be SO FREEING.

So let’s look!

Is it true that having a partner will bring happiness, security, joy, laughter, sex, pleasure, companionship, financial ease, support, care?

Are you sure those are not available at a rockin’ awesome top level WITHOUT a partner?

Are you sure you don’t have all these things right now, in this very moment, whether you have a partner or not?

Because after I got divorced, I was absolutely single. And over the months that passed, my mind was thrilled with the freedom….and my idea was “I will NEVER get married, EVER again.”

I actually had to do The Work and question my thoughts on the benefits of being SINGLE…because it seemed that non-commitment, openness, uncertainty, change, and freedom was by far more appealing. 

So what about the truth, for you, as you look at the longing for a partner (or remember a time when you longed for contact with someone?)

Are you really, really sure that having this thing, this person, in your life, will bring you happiness?

For me, it feels true that MONEY would bring greater happiness, excitement, thrill, possibility. 

Oh rats. Not that longing again.

I realize, I could relate to this client who wanted a partner. I know what it’s like to want, to believe that the having of this partner (a man, a woman, money) would bring LOVE, security, joy, ease.

How do you react when you think that getting that thing or person would be GREAT?

I notice that my current status is not-quite-good-enough. Disappointed. Disgruntled. 

Annoyed. Bummed.

So who would you be without the thought that you need that partner (or money)?

The woman I was working with said “But! Then I wouldn’t try to get one! Why join Match.com then! I’ll NEVER have a partner if I don’t think I want one!” 

Can you absolutely know this is true?

“What do you believe is preventing you from being happy? Do yo need to see more justice in the world? After you have justice, what would you feel? Happy? After truth? After health? After riches? After charity? After peace on earth? Then will your happiness be allowed?” ~ Bruce DiMarsico 

I love one of Byron Katie’s suggestions, to skip the middle man, and be happy from right here, right now.

I notice that the happier I get right in this present moment, without anything needing to happen or change….

….the MORE my life changes. 

Crazy!

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.” ~ Tao Te Ching #35 

If you have the desire to examine your beliefs about money: needing, wanting, earning, spending it….then come join the party for 8 weeks starting Dec. 5th. It could change your entire relationship with money and work, and give you a lighter world. 

Click here to register or learn more. 

Love, Grace

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The Courage To Ask Questions

He is sooooo picky. 

Have you ever had this thought about someone?

I was sitting in a beautiful restaurant, high sun overhead, beautiful umbrella spread over the table shading from the bright day.

The man I was with was talking to the waitress, saying things about how his lunch should be prepared, how it should arrive at the table, asking about every possible ingredient in the sauce, spices, oils….plus where the food came from.

I was looking away politely, but thinking he was asking ridiculous questions.

Two words. High Maintenance.

Just eat it the way they cook it here! Give it a rest! Who cares?! Do you really want to put this much energy into this? OMG!

I was soooooo irritated.

A good moment for The Work.

He should stop caring so much about every little detail. 

Is this true?

Yes! Life it too short! Why bother trying to get it perfect! Relax already!

I have had this thought before with other people…they should stop with the detail on calendars, lists, to-do’s. I shouldn’t have to explain something so carefully, they shouldn’t fuss over typos or spelling, how boring to plan everything out!

I have this part of me that is TOTALLY ANNOYED sometimes about giving someone directions. Can’t they just figure it out? Do they really need a map? How about winging it? Have you ever heard of improv?

Jeez!! Lame!!

Um, yah, so what was the question?

Oh! Right! Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should stop caring about all that detail?

No. I can’t know that at all. Detail is very helpful sometimes. A slight detail change can make a big difference.  Could mean everything about the rest of his day, and how his stomach might feel.

Why am I so annoyed, anyway?

How do I react when I believe someone is caring too much about the details?

I think of them as scared, controlling, demanding, fearful…I treat them with intolerance on the inside, and on the outside I’m cordial.

I pull back from being involved intimately. I think I’m better.

Because I’ve given up, myself. I’ve decided, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the belief that heavy-on-the-detail is bad, spontaneity is good?

I would see how amazing things can become with emphasis on detail. It is not my forte. I would feel patience, appreciation.

I would look at my friend and see an example of someone who really cares, and is careful, about his health and what he’s eating in this moment. He is asking a lot of questions and getting answers (although I’m wondering if the waiter is annoyed).

I suddenly remember how uncomfortable asking a lot of questions could be in my culture, my family. I’m not even sure why…just a strange sense of foreboding and danger.

Do Not Pester People.

They Get Angry.

I take a deep breath.

Who would I be without the thought that people asking questions about every detail they can imagine is irritating, a time-waster?

I’d look over at that human, and I see someone who doesn’t look very relaxed, is craving information, is wanting to make a great decision.

Someone who is determined to do it right, get it right, have a favorable outcome.

Why be upset with them for wanting that?

I turn the thoughts around: I should stop caring about every little detail. Yes, I’m getting all worked up about HIS questions. I’ve thought this about my young children before, too.

He should let go, stop controlling, be more trusting? How about I should let go, stop controlling HIM (by being so bossy from within my mind) and be more trusting.

“Over time I began to see how delicate and challenging it was for most seekers to find the courage to question any and all ideas and beliefs about the true nature of themselves, the world, others, and even enlightenment itself. In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question.” ~ Adyashanti

All those people who have questioned around me….the children, the parents, the ones who have asked penetrating questions, or questions about things I think don’t matter….can I just be comfortable with questions?

My own questions? Someone else’s questions?

Can I trust this situation that has someone asking and asking in it….and learn? Maybe the answers DO matter!

Yes! I can do that.

I can practice not being soooooo picky.

Love, Grace

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You Can Handle Death

It was a light spring day with blossoms bursting everywhere in the city parks. I had been trading phone messages with a woman who was interested in finding out more about The Work.
She was in a distant time zone.
Today, I was walking through the university arboretum with fancy-named trees and gorgeous smells and rich green grass when her number appeared on my cell phone. Even though I didn’t recognize it, I thought “that number is really familiar, I need to pick it up”.
Even though she had sounded so light in our brief exchanges so far, without ever talking LIVE….it turned out she had cancer, and not necessarily a “good” prognosis.
I had worked with many people with cancer diagnoses before…but not anyone who may only have a few months to live.
I felt very moved for a moment.
I recognized in thirty seconds my own heart feeling full, and thoughts of something that looked at this whole human condition of life and death, noticing the beauty and the destruction all at once.
Blossoms everywhere, this woman apparently near her end-of-life moment.
That evening, after setting up a session with her on skype, I remembered my first hospice patient visit at my previous job.
At that time, I had received all my training in questioning patients about sensitive topics, I had finished my graduate degree in Applied Behavioral Science.
I had a laptop, I had arrived at the patient’s home, and I was ready for the task I was supposed to complete….a very extensive Quality of Life interview. This was “academic” work.
But the two requirements for people who enrolled in this research were 1) they had to be with it mentally, so they could answer questions, and 2) they had to be in hospice.
The patient I was visiting this very first time lived in a condo. I parked in the Visitors space. I knocked on her door with a little trepidation.
The woman I met was the same age as I was.

Feelings welled up inside my stomach and my throat, but I kept them hidden. I didn’t want to start crying!

This woman who was a total stranger to me answered many questions about her pain, how she felt…many personal questions about her life.

She was so brave.

When I left, I gave her a little hug, and then went to my car. In the driver’s seat, sitting in the big parking lot, I wept.

I thought “I’m not sure I can handle this job”.

But the next day, I drove to someone else’s home to interview THEM on their quality of life.

Some people had cancer, some had heart disease, some had ALS.

By the third patient, I relaxed. I didn’t have the simple version of inquiry we all know as The Work in my life yet, but I had other self-inquiry after quite a few years of really beginning to investigate the meaning of This.

And here was my next phase. Meeting people who knew they were on their way out, with limited time….people of all ages.

It was the gift of a lifetime. I started thinking I can’t believe I have such an amazing job, to be able to realize that everyone was the same as me, not different.

That day when the woman with only a little time left contacted me, I might have had thoughts like “this will be hard” or “this is sad” or “she is frightened (and I can’t help her)” but while they tried to arise….I knew they weren’t true.

Who would you be without the thought that if you only have two months left to live, it’s *terrible*?

Without the thought that this is an example of great suffering in a harsh world?

That she can’t handle….or I can’t handle…the body’s decline and death?

Who would I be without the thought that I couldn’t help her?

I’d be there. I’d do The Work with her.

Funny, her thoughts were no different than any of mine, or any I have heard before. “I’m going to die” and “I shouldn’t die” and “this is shameful” and “I can’t stand this” and “people feel sorry for me (and I hate that).”

I turn my own thoughts around, the ones trying to get some energy or some volume, the ones I used to think all the time before meeting so many people over the years who were in hospice…

….I can handle this. Because I’m the one here, I’m the one.

I can handle the body’s decline and death, because everyone handles it.

I can help her, and I don’t have to even do anything except show up (and another turnaround, I can’t help her.…and that’s the way of it, not really a problem).

“When you’re not thinking about death, you fully accept it. You’re not worrying about it at all. Think of your foot. Did you have a foot before you thought of it? Where was it? When there’s no thought, there’s no foot. When there’s no thought of death, there’s no death.” ~ Byron Katie

I can be here, with anyone, in any situation. So can you. You don’t need to know how to do it.

Love, Grace

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Open Your Heart To Jealousy

Many years ago I found out someone didn’t like me at my job.

I kinda knew this person wasn’t exactly fond of me, even though we didn’t know each other very well. She seemed to act weird around me, like trying to one-up me or making comments that sounded a little mean.

Then I found out from someone else why.

Jealousy.

This wasn’t the first time, either.

When I was a kid I had three younger sisters. I was naturally FIRST at a bunch of stuff. I went to school first, piano lessons first, girl scouts first, roller skating first, on stage for the school holiday play first.

I also always said “I DIBS FRONT SEAT!” when everyone had to get in the family ford van to go somewhere with my mom. I was never challenged.

I won most board games, or hop scotch, or jump roap. When you have a few years’ edge on your siblings, you can’t help it.

And sometimes, my sisters got really mad. “It’s not fair! How come she gets the best bedroom in the house!” This protest came up maybe…twice. In my entire life as a kid.

It makes me cringe a little now…because of the way I made darn sure no one knocked me off my #1 place. I was sooooo bossy. My attitude towards my sisters was “Don’t mess with me! I am the leader! Oh yeah!”

Not exactly good for close, supportive, connected relationships with my sisters.

When I heard that this woman, who seemed very stressed around me, was jealous….

….part of me had this reaction:

  • what is her problem?
  • jeez, she is so insecure!
  • what a loser
  • she shouldn’t compete with me
  • she should be kind to me
  • she shouldn’t be jealous
  • she should think I’m awesome
  • she is so uptight
  • how annoying!

I was all full of attack thoughts and I practically wanted to quit my job at that moment, or do anything possible, to NEVER see her AGAIN!

And I could feel how unloving my reaction.

She shouldn’t be jealous of me. She should like me.

Is it true?

Yes. That is such a waste of energy, so uncaring, so divisive! It builds such a wall between us! She is so so mistaken! She should STOP!!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

No. Gosh. Funny how I’m overlooking my demand that SHE needs to change in order for ME to be happy. Heh heh.

No. She should be herself. There’s something important going on inside her.

How do I react when I believe someone shouldn’t be jealous of me?

Afraid! I want to avoid them. I want to put more space between us. I’m scared of her assumptions. I don’t like her not liking me, this is terrible.

This is a Snow White emergency! That evil queen so full of jealousy made everyone’s life miserable!

In high school, if I ever had this thought and I was scared someone was rejecting me because of jealousy….I tried to act overly nice, sweet, sugary syrupy extra over-the-top pleasant. Or I was kind of frozen in their presence.

Please don’t reject me! I’m not that great! I have problems!

Lordy! So much energy directed towards this person and the fear of their not accepting me…and sad when the reason they don’t like me is because of something apparently positive.

So who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t be jealous of me?

I would remember that everyone has their own life of feelings, thoughts, perceptions….and I am not the boss of them.

Without the thought that she should stop? She shouldn’t reject me?

I’d see her as doing the best she can.

“Do you really want to enter the room in which someone’s feelings are formed? Do you want to control his mind, to barge in and insert the thoughts and feelings YOU want him to have? Is it even possible?” ~ Byron Katie 

Wow.

I realize how I am demanding that this person NOT have the feeling they have. I discover how afraid I am of someone else being jealous.

I suddenly realize how I’ve believed my whole life that people shouldn’t be jealous, even when it’s NOT about me! Jealousy is evil!

I turn the thought around: She should be jealous of me. 

How could this be as true or truer than my original belief? What’s an example?

Weird….it’s hard to find at first. I think more about “jealousy”. What is it?

The dictionary defines it as suspicious, resentful, envious….it gives an example in the dictionary in a sentence: “she went into a jealous rage”.

Without the story that jealousy is evil and that it means people will KILL, I notice that I am OK, so is she. Everyone is fine.

I notice that as I feel more centered inside myself, and not her, I feel free to be me. She doesn’t have to like me. She doesn’t have to stop.

“Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place.” ~ Michael Singer

Yes, it is good that she is jealous of me because I can practice the deepest compassion. I can open my heart.

I can un-do this story, for me.

I shouldn’t be jealous of her. I shouldn’t be jealous of myself. I shouldn’t be so concerned with jealousy, period.  

Simply stopping the incessant comparison. Stop defending. Stop protesting.

Jealousy isn’t safe…..is it true?

Oh. Maybe that’s a fairy tale.

Love, Grace

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Those Greedy People Were Generous

It was a Seattle misty-raining evening and already pitch dark, even though it was only 5:10 pm. You’d say “late afternoon” if it was summer.

I parked my car several blocks away from a hotel where a business networking meeting was already underway. I was late.

In my car, I had quickly grabbed a more “business” looking jacket, to put on over my long-sleeved aqua blue casual t-shirt. I had remembered to wear Not Jeans. As in black “business” looking pants.

When I entered, a man was standing up addressing the room, wearing a gorgeous gray business suit and red tie. The room was full.

As I made my way towards the closest open seat towards the back (people were sitting at tables for four) I was thinking thoughts like this:

  • Oh no, this is worse than I thought, I don’t fit in
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses
  • I can’t do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I won’t be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living (self-inquiry? counseling? The Work?)
  • No one will understand me and what I do
  • Everyone here is only interested in making money
  • They only care about appearance, success, wealth
  • I gotta get outta here!

RRRRUUUUNNNN!

Fortunately, I sort of “half ran”. I stayed planted right there physically (I couldn’t leave and draw attention to myself, right?)

But my mind whirled with nervousness and I probably had a plastic smile on my face. Like I was waiting for the first chance to lunge at an exit door. Maybe they’d take a bathroom break soon.

Later, after I “made it through” that ordeal…and I was back to safety…it occurred to me that doing The Work on this moment, this exact situation, might be not justinteresting….

….but maybe doing The Work on this would be very, very important for my own relationship with money, commerce, business, giving-and-receiving, offering a service in exchange for money, connecting with strangers…being free.

I got to work.

Is it true that I don’t fit in there? What does that mean…to not fit in? That I don’t have on the exact same outfit?

Seriously?

I don’t fit in because they are more interested in money than me?

(Yes, I often did my work for free, I had practiced many hours of volunteering my time to organizations, group talks and individual sessions with people).

Is that true that they are more interested in money than I am? Because they’re wearing a business suit?

Oh jeez. No. Gulp.

Is it true that because they want to market themselves, get more customers, read marketing books and take business-growth classes….that I don’t fit in?

Is it true that when someone has a lot of money, I am not like them? Have they succeeded somewhere I have failed?

Rats. But.

I’ve always thought it was so NOBLE and AWESOME to live like a monk, be able to live on nothing, to fit everything I own into my car.

Which is, by the way, a used Toyota. Not an SUV. Which they probably drive.

Aren’t I amazing how detached I am from material possessions? So light and carefree? So giving?

Yet I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that these people, in this meeting, are any different from me. In fact, I’m pretty sure they aren’t.

How do I react when I believe they want money….and it’s selfish, or they do it the wrong, mean way?

I perceive them as the enemy. I start firing out judgments like gun shots: see, this is mostly men, they are the top echelon of the culture, they don’t care about me or anyone so small as me, they are good-ol-boys, I’m too soft, or liberal, for them.

It’s very, very painful.

Wait.

I like doing The Work better on needing money, and finding out I don’t need money. Ha! I can Out-Not-Need You! I was anorexic once! I can overcome base human desires for things like food…and money…like you never could, you mean selfish….!!

That’s how I reacted.

How amazing to consider the fourth question, for once in my life: Who would I be without the thought that these people were bad and money was bad, and wanting money was bad? That I could exit out the back door and continue to not fit in?

I would look around the room and stop judging everyone’s clothing. I would notice colors, texture, sparkles, beauty.

I would see friendly smiles, welcoming someone who didn’t look completely at home here.

I would be absolutely delighted by all the camaraderie, joy, determination, passion, and excitement in the room.

Oh boy, I get to stand up and be in the spot light for a moment! I love the theater!

I may or may not come back to that meeting. Without stress.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Oh yes, this is better than I thought, I fit right in!
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses–AWESOME
  • I can do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I will be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living–yes, in fact, I stood up and spoke, so I “stood” it.
  • Everyone will understand me and what I do! How funny to think I can have this attitude just as easily as the opposite!
  • Everyone here is interested in making money. Fabulous, because I am too.
  • In this moment, I only care about appearance, success, wealth…yes. I am judging right and left with these three factors in mind.
  • I am a cut throat, selfish, greedy, competitive meanie. I’ve hardly given them a chance! And they are gentle, generous, playful friendlies. Yes.
  • I gotta stay right here!

There are so many examples of all these turnarounds….they all come alive as I sit in them, slowly doing my work.

I learn from wildly successful people, I listen and read and hear.

I let it all digest inside of me, knowing I am very successful and how much I love myself and my own pace and my own style.

I notice I still love jeans. There are no rules. I also absolutely LOVE the material, smell, silky fabrics and smooth muted patterns of “business” wear. How fun.

I also notice I love money, where I used to have a push/pull love/hate relationship with it (just like food, sex, relationships, parenting, life, the universe).

“Most people think that the world is outside them. They live life backward, running after security and approval, as if by making enough money or getting enough praise they could be happy once and for all. But nothing outside us can give us what we’re looking for.” ~ Byron Katie

When I am not so afraid of absence of money, the freedom has allowed me to move with ease, fun, excitement, and no longer procrastination.

Thank you, everyone, who supported me along this road to true security and joyful freedom. And more money.

If you’re interested in being more honest about your relationship with money, getting down to the boney depths of the love and hate….bring your thoughts to a group. It can help you see what you’re thinking, that keeps you in prison. And feeling poor.

The next MONEY teleclass (8 weeks) starts in December!

Love, Grace