Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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The Good News About Money And Thinking

A few days ago, our open Money telesession did The Work on this simple, but often very stressful thought: I am supposed to make money. 

(Here is the link to the webinar).

If you’re not making money….or let’s say, you’re not making ENOUGH money….then the moment you are focusing on how true this is….

….is a very painful moment.

For some people, they may say I should make more money, or I need to make money, or I have to make money.

The wording is slightly different, but there is a similar result when you think the thought.

Aggravation, sadness, frustration, fury, rebellion, despair, discouragement.

I used to think of going to work at a J-O-B as a prison for the members of the rat race.

The problem is…you can really miss some fun and wonderful things about life having a job, if you automatically judge all work as forced.

Let’s take a look again, as we did during the free telesession, in case you missed it. The reason? I wanted to bring home the turnarounds and how kind they can be.

So many people think of going to work as too structured, taking energy, happiness, joy, family-time, or independence away.

“I ain’t gonna work for The Man no more!” Fist punch into the air. “I owe my soul to the company store!” The discouragement of hard physical labor or slave-wages.

The thing is, when I’ve gotten super stressed about the way this whole work/job situation is….I lose creativity. I lose possibilities, I give up.

Is it true that you need to make money?

Yes! How else would I live?! I have to…and it sucks. I’d be happier if I never had to make a penny again. I’d be happier if I had a fixed income, guaranteed.

Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Can you know 100% that never having to work is nice, is easier, is better? Can you know it gives you more freedom, to NOT work?

No. I’ve seen examples of every kind of person, with every kind of job or income, who feel free, or who feel locked down. I’ve met bored people with lots of money, I’ve met very happy people with little money.

How do I react when I believe that I am supposed to make money? (and that this is a problem?)

I resent every employer. I think about quitting my current job every day. I complain about my work. I feel angry when I’m unemployed.

Who would I be without the thought that I really do need to make money?

I relax. I quiet down. I notice that there is an energy of movement within, part of my own life force, that enjoys activity, work, schedules…in its own unique way.

I’ve also met amazing people at all the jobs I’ve ever had. Fun, interesting, unique people that I would never have met otherwise. People who became friends for life. People I’ll never forget, even if they are no longer friends.

I turn the thought around “I am supposed to make money”.  

I am not supposed to make money, money is supposed to make me, I am supposed to make myself.  

I know these are turnarounds that don’t technically make “sense” but it’s awesome to contemplate them, like a zen koan.

Money is making me, I am making myself. 

Yes, I have been bringing the true, open-hearted, genuine, honest inner me out more and more and more as I live and review and question my relationship with money.

It’s like money, and everything it means, invites me to a journey that I would not otherwise take.

“…everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way. The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity–even in the most difficult circumstances–to add a deeper meaning to life.” ~ Viktor Frankl

I make myself, I work with my mind, I surrender to reality, I create something that expresses only through me…

….and I don’t actually even create it.

Perhaps, instead of making money, I am supposed to make fun, ease, peace, love.

And let the rest fall where it may.

“For some of us, life is controlled by our thoughts about work and money. But if our thinking is clear, how could work or money be a problem? Our thinking is all we need to change. It’s all we CAN change. This is very good news.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. Money teleclass starts next week, Thursdays at 8 am pacific time for 90 minutes. Click HERE to sign up, or hit reply and write me if you have a question.

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Stressful Money Head Case Thinking

Wow, thank you so very much to everyone who came to the telesession on Money yesterday morning.

If the conference was full when you tried to connect, fear not. You can listen (and watch) the whole thing right HERE.

If you follow along on the recording, you may find insights into your own thinking about money that you had not seen before. As you listen, you can get out your pen and paper and write with the prompts….and listen to other people’s answers.

It’s amazing how simply taking time to sit still to examine beliefs offers awareness. Often, I have had to enlist guidance of others to help me stay still and focus.

That busy, quick mind just loves to bounce and skip around to multiple stressful thoughts and situations….too many to actually inquire into! Tricky mind!

So, having you all come together is beyond inspiring, loving and supportive. I can’t say enough about this vital element of group connection and focus for successfully questioning the mind!

When I was nearly out of money, had been using my credit card to pay my mortgage, and was frantically looking for a job….

….with only a small amount of funds left in my bank account, I set aside $300 and hired a facilitator of The Work.

It almost seemed like a dumb idea. Didn’t I need that money to buy groceries?

This woman I contacted had a few people who she offered facilitation to, in her busy schedule, at a donation/sliding scale fee. I asked her if she could meet with me for ten sessions for that small amount.

She said yes.

Her name is Martha Creek, and I’m forever grateful for her kind, humorous, direct facilitation.

I had so many thoughts, such anxiety, waves of panic, and terrible images that I couldn’t sit still long enough all by myself to do The Work (I could have questioned that…but at the time, it did not seem true that I could sit still).

One night, I dialed the phone for her number, feeling somewhat hopeless and lost about what else I could question. We were having our 7th session together.

The lights were turned out for both my children. I had the entire night ahead of me, and I really wanted to sleep for some of it, instead of staying awake fretting about how to get more money.

I went into my bedroom and shut the door.

I wasn’t entirely sure The Work was working…and yet, something kept me at it.

I knew in my heart that my thoughts were dictating my reality. I knew my thoughts were so freaked out, I couldn’t see clearly. I also knew that I wanted to know the Truth, not demand that my life go the way I thought best.

Martha asked me to describe a little more what my greatest fear was if I did not somehow secure some money, or an income, SOON.

What would really, really happen then?

I would go live with my mother. She had a house big enough for me to move into her basement. I would move there with my children. She was completely open to this, she had said so.

“You are always welcome in my home if you can’t make it on your own,” she had told me several months before.

I thought of this as a terrible, horrific failure. How could a woman in her 40s, newly divorced, move in with her MOTHER? How awful, how devastating, what a loser, I had thought.

Through my work that night, I questioned my thinking that this was the worst thing that could ever happen when it came to having no money.

“What would be the benefits to moving into your mom’s house?” Martha asked.

Woah. Benefits? Seriously?

I waited. I knew they had to be there, in this world of duality. Nothing is ever 100% terrible.

That night, because Martha stayed with me in a way that I couldn’t stay there for myself, I found the opportunity I would have for being close to my mom, for resolving little anxieties I had about being with her all the time.

I saw how fun it might be to share a cozy room with my two kids. I delighted in thinking of being in a different location and exploring new streets, new shops, new sidewalks.

Maybe all was well. Maybe relying on others was not the disaster I thought.

In the telesession about Money yesterday, several people identified this same troubling belief….

….that relying on others around anything to do with Money is horrible, and necessary, at the same time.

What if you drop the “horrible” part?

Years later now, I look back at that time that I worked so hard on money, and know that something shifted for me dramatically during that session on moving in with my mother.

I stopped being afraid of what would happen next.

I called up my mom the very next day and said “Wow, mom, what would it really be like for you if I moved in? What would you need and want? I’d like to tell you what I would need and want. Instead of feeling like a failure…maybe it would be a success! What do you think, mom?”

We had one of the best conversations we had about money and the little intricacies of living together that we ever had. Honest communication.

Not long after this, my new boyfriend gave me what he called the Birthday Bucket, a donation of money, for my birthday, from people all over the world who knew me. People I hadn’t seen in years even.

(More on that story in a past Grace Note HERE if you want to read that story.)

That donation carried me through another entire month of expenses. During that month, I got a job.

I never had to move in with my mother.

But I’m positive, it would have been OK had it gone that way. I wouldn’t have been a failure.

That was all in my head.

If you’d like to do some in-depth work on money, earning, promoting yourself (if you’re in business or even if you’re looking for a job) then come join me on Thursdays, for 8 weeks, to do The Work on Money with a small group.

We meet 8 – 9:30 am Pacific Time. Click HERE to sign up, or hit reply and write me if you have a question.

Tortures of Obsessive Thinking About Money Gone                                              “Can I really take a class on earning money and have the tortures of of my obsessive thinking about it let go, even a little? Eight weeks later, the answer turns out to be, yes!    
What I am taking away from our work together, is that my source of support does not come from black scratchings on a piece of (bank statement) paper. My bed rock of support is already here, within and without, all around me. Thanks for the thought provoking questions, blog posts and your own findings through out the class.” ~ JD, Money Teleclass Participant   

With Love, Grace

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I Hate My Job Nightmares

The free telecall on doing The Work of Byron Katie on Money is tomorrow morning at 8:30 am pacific time. It will run about 90 minutes (maybe a little more).

Click here if you’d like to go to the link. It will ask you to enter your email but you’re already on this mailing list so you won’t be double-subscribed. You can listen in on the web, or dial in using your phone. You’ll see the phone number once you get to the web page.

All this technical detail!

I created slides to follow along to show during the session tomorrow…but lordy, all the links and computer stuff took some heavy learning.

Have you ever noticed that when you’re working on creating something, or learning a new skill, or practicing an instrument to get better….you can have all kinds of internal thoughts about it?

It’s like there’s The Voice watching on your shoulder, commenting.

“Oh, that was a good move! I think you finally got it! No…that was a mistake. Can’t you remember what you just went over a few minutes ago? Why can’t you find that web page? Because you’re a ding-a-ling! You need to pay closer attention! Someone should be helping you. Have you checked how long you’re spending on this? Hours. You don’t have time for this. It’ll be a miracle if this actually works. Why are you doing this again?…”

Fortunately, even though the chatterbox is running…I didn’t believe the thoughts to such a level that I stopped the activity.

All it takes is a little believing….and even the most aware, conscious person can start feeling disappointed, nervous, anxious, irritated, scared…

….and all kinds of behaviors come out of these stressful feelings!

Like quitting! Or waiting! Or proscratinating!

When I was 23, I got a job for a summer that appeared to be highly desirable. I had to get recommendations, and there was a long application form to fill out by hand. I would be in a national park all summer.

It sounded exotic and wonderful, like a good plan in what otherwise I was totally unsure of doing when I was actually at college.

I arrived during an early summer afternoon, to report to staff training the next morning. I unpacked all my summer belongings. I had a bunk bed and another girl from the east coast would be on the top bunk, tomorrow.

My alarm clock went off at 5:30 am. We had to start at 6. I followed along various trainers all day in working in the kitchen, setting tables, cleaning.

And then, in the afternoon, I was asked my age. “Oh, you can wait tables, and serve alcohol! We’ll train you in that this evening.”

The huge lodge was very elegant.

I felt a leap of fear in my chest.

I didn’t bring clothes to wear for waiting tables. I don’t know how to do that. It’s too hard. I can’t do it right. That sounds like a terrible way to spend the summer. 

Within the next five hours, my inner alarm bells were sounding so loud, as I was being trained for this horrifying job of being in the gorgeous, busy lodge.

That night…before my new roommate arrived, before anyone could see me or stop me…I gathered all my stuff, packed it in my car, and drove away.

Yes, it’s true. I was too scared to work as a waitress.

Later, I realized the opportunity and how much more money in tips I would have made than the original job I had been hired for.

Too bad I didn’t know how to question my thoughts that something was going to be too difficult, for whatever reason.

Who would I have been without the thought that it’s too hard, or that I might be rejected, or that I could do it wrong, or that it’s too frightening to try it, or that I won’t do it as well as someone else?

I would be very simply moving, even in tiny baby steps, flowing easily, resting, moving, learning, doing the next thing…present.

“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Back then, I created a completely emergency-oriented terrified, unwilling present moment. Ha!

I also did the best I could, keeping myself very safe. Such a sweet little nervous ninny I was.

So sure it was true that I could make a mistake, that I wouldn’t be good at something, that it was going to be painful.

“In the beginning was the Tao. All things issue from it; all things return to it. To find the origin, trace back the manifestations. When you recognize the children and find the mother, you will be free of sorrow. If you close your mind in judgments and traffic with desires, your heart will be troubled. If you keep your mind from judging and aren’t led by the senses, your heart will find peace.” ~ Tao Te Ching #52

Turning the thoughts around, could they be just as true, or truer, than the original thoughts?

I am doing it right now, I am safe, I am not rejected, I can learn, this is not too hard, I can say yes and no, I can say I don’t understand, there are no mistakes, I can be good at anything I want to be good at.

Like earning money.

With Love, Grace

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Money, Selling, and Getting Ripped Off

I am doing a telesession on Money. I’ve been thinking about money a lot and assessing my own relationship with money, especially since I’m teaching my 8 week teleclass starting Tuesday mornings next week.

You can join the session on Sunday, Dec. 1st 8:30 am even if you have no interest in ever taking the teleclass on money…this is a chance to gather together as a group and move through some of the exercises I’ve built in order to understand, relieve confusion, and experience greater peace with money.

Your comments and experience will help refine the inquiry process. Plus if you ARE interested in signing up for the class, you’ll get a taste for it and see if you like it.

And I won’t sell sell sell (ha ha).

Now, the irony of saying this doesn’t escape me. On a call about money.

I’ve noticed the great discomfort, resistance, irritation and fear around “selling” or promoting, marketing, announcing one’s wares or services.

Selling appears to be defined as trying to convince, persuade, get someone to buy something. I looked up the origin of the word and it comes in part from a Norse word to “give up”.

A suspicion arises…someone “trying” to sell me something means that person is going to only tell me the good stuff, not the bad stuff. They’re going to leave things out, be dishonest, have a personal agenda to “get” from me.

I remember many years ago going into a place that opened in my neighborhood that taught physical fitness, yoga and well-being. The business model was that a person became a member and signed a contract.

I went through the schpeel. I wanted the fitness and yoga classes. It was very convenient to my house.

There was a manager sort of person, with notebooks and financial amounts written on papers that were then crossed off, and a final amount for lifetime membership and lists of all the benefits I would have by being involved.

The thing is, I had already decided when I went in that I wanted to join….then there was all this extra rigamarole and I took home a contract. When reading the fine print, and what was expected, I realize it all just seemed too weird and permanent. Something fishy.

I drove back up the next day, and I’m the one that had to do a lot of convincing this time, eventually to another manager, to get out of the contract.

I had to write a letter and sign it and get it notorized in order to officially drop this payment plan I had signed up for! I didn’t really understand.

I never got to take one single class….and it left a really weird taste in my mouth about that place. I secretly said “good” when I saw the company fold and leave the building.

But who would I be without the thought that I might get duped, tricked, enlist in something that doesn’t work, lose, or come out no better than when I started?

Who would I be without the thought that I could be fooled, or conned out of money?

I’d notice how much I care about honesty, integrity, and staying in touch with my inner yes or no. I’d notice how money comes and goes and I have a deep inner awareness of participating in all that.

I see how all these dear humans are trying their best, and notice how I am also doing my best…and we all don’t really have absolute answers.

I turn the thought around that I was pushed, that those people tried to “get” me against my better judgment….

….and I see my part in the drama.

In that situation with the wellness yoga center, the truth is…they didn’t trick me.

I tricked them. I didn’t say right in the middle of the conversations what I was thinking: “what’s all this with the sales pitch? I just want to take some classes? is everything OK around here, because something feels a little off?”

“Is there anyone in this room that has never been supported? Including you, sweetheart? I invite everyone in this room to find one time when you were not supported. It’s not possible. There’s no time in your life when you have not been supported. I’ve never met any human being that can find one moment that they were not supported. On your own! With or without a job. Can anyone find one moment when they were not supported? [Pause] I can’t either.” ~ Byron Katie

Even in the moment when someone tried to RIP ME OFF….

….is it possible I was supported? Even if money moved from my pocket over to theirs, never to return?

Yes. I’ve learned to stay, wait, slow down, not make any desperate quick decisions. I’ve learned that there are no emergencies for money.

These things I learned could only come about through these experiences.

And now…I’m learning once again to expose myself and what I offer, be real, be honest, invite people to join me in self-inquiry and that sometimes no money is exchanged, sometimes money is exchanged, and the money coming and going is all doing what it does, peacefully.

Without my mind and my thinking getting too involved.

When it does….I can question it!

Click HERE to jump over to the link to sign up for the Money Inquiry on Sunday. 20 people can attend live via phone, to do The Work and participate actively, then many more can listen via their computer. You choose which you prefer!

Either way, it’ll be fun and interesting.

With Love, Grace

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I Love Wanting Vs I Hate Not Having

It was a very hot summer day in August, with green lush watered grass in the back yard and a cool white cement patio, with the picnic table set for my sister’s birthday party.

She was turning 8. I was 9.

I had been aware of party preparations all morning. My mom had returned with a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake in a big pink box. 

My feelings were very unsettled. Back then, as a kid, it never would have occurred to me to see my own feelings as a part of me. They were ALL of me.

As guests began to arrive, I started frowning. How come she gets an ice cream cake? I’ve never had one of those for MY birthday.

She’s getting a lot of presents, too. All shapes and sizes. Some of them are really big. They’re starting to take up space at the end of the patio table.

I went into my room and picked up the book I was part way through, sitting on my bedside table.

Three minutes later I went back out again. I could hardly stand watching all the guests and presents and activity building, and yet I could hardly stand NOT watching all the guest and presents and activity building.

I didn’t know what this was called at the time. Envy. 

These feelings were the result of some very stressful thoughts. The kinds of thoughts I would never admit to later on, as an adult, not even to myself.

  • she gets more than me
  • I’m missing out and there is no way for me to get what she has
  • there is not enough attention, love, care for me
  • I have nothing by comparison
  • I’m not good enough
  • I must do something, change this situation, win
  • I am very selfish for having these thoughts and feelings
  • there is something wrong with me

Ooooh. Double Bad. Not Enough and Something Wrong all at once.

The whole afternoon I went back and forth between my bedroom and the party, never participating in any of the games, and not taking a place at the beautifully decorated table with place names and little cups of candy.

The way I felt inside you would think I was watching  a horror movie. Especially as my sister opened all the presents. 

Oh god, not a BARBIE doll….oh no, a complete new outfit? Oh jeez, not a Partridge Family poster. 

She is so, so lucky lucky lucky and I am NOT.

And then. The worst. 

She unwrapped a medium sized box shape of gorgeous white paper with yellow, pink and blue streamers on it. A tape recorder. And a package of blank tapes. 

I stamped my foot from the edge of the patio, turned on my heel, and left in a huge fury. 

I WANT THAT!!!!!!!

Oh if only I had a way to stop and question my thinking at the time. But I can do it now, from the future (which is now the present).

Is it true that my sister has, and I have not, in that situation? Is it true that I am going without, and that it is terrible that today is not my birthday?

Yes. That’s how I felt. Yes. It is TERRIBLE.

Can I absolutely know that this is true, that I have nothing, that these gifts mean I am not receiving, that I don’t have something wonderful, and that I could never get it?

Oh. Now that you put it that way….not at all true. 

The way I react when I notice, with a vengeance, that I am lacking something is that I want to scream and I feel hopeless, frightened, full of pure comparison. It’s like fear of Not Having and Never Getting.

Who would I be without the thought that I am bereft, without, less than? Without the thought that there’s a competition going on?

This is a very important question. To truly imagine NO LACK in this moment. 

Who would I be without the thought that someone else has more, and that it MEANS I’m not getting it?

I allow this moment, this memory, to melt in without the thought that there is anything wrong….I smile so wide. I notice flashing images of many other moments, later in life, even as an adult (Yes, I confess!) when I saw someone else who apparently had much more, and felt uncomfortable.

But now, here, without that thought that any of this means anything, that it means I’m not getting something EVER, or that I’m not good enough, or unlucky, or being forced to go without.  

It is so very exciting, without the thought! The colors, the beauty, the joy, the buzz, the creativity, the wonder, the excitement, the possibilities!

  • we get the same of what is truly important and valuable, the same
  • I’m gaining awareness and I am getting everything I need and beyond, I am getting new ideas, I am seeing the pleasure of this world
  • there is enough attention, love, care for me
  • I have everything! This comparison is thrilling!
  • I am good enough to be here, being myself, without it being MY birthday
  • I must do nothing, enjoy this situation, lose
  • I am normal for having these thoughts and feelings
  • there is something right with me, as an observer

“Come, seek, for search is the foundation of fortune:  every success depends upon focusing the heart.” ~ Rumi

 

If you are interested in celebrating the joy of desire, and investigating your thoughts of lack or having less….come join the 8 week MONEY teleclass starting Tuesday morning! You’ll be glad you did! 

Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to talk about partial scholarship help or have other questions or are ready to register. Just hit Reply to this email.

“We all move at our own speed.” ~ Byron Katie

With Love, Grace

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Being Alone Is Better Than You Think

Last week in the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass, someone mentioned something I’ve heard quite a few times before…and not just related to discomfort around eating.

Aloneness. Emptiness. Space. 

Yesterday, in the morning YOI (Year of Inquiry) group, it came up again.

And now that we’re on this topic, I must admit I’ve probably thought about it 847 times in the past month alone. (I could be exaggerating). 

It’s a great and wild dilemma. Being alone. Here. With images, thoughts, sensations, ideas.

And lots of infinite space, mystery and lack of understanding at a mental level.

When I fist encountered this awareness, like many of us, I was pretty young. It’s like the question “who would you be without that thought?”

Another way it occurs to people, even when children, is they wonder what the truth is, they see something new and unusual and compare it to the usual, they hear about death or birth and think “I wonder what is before birth, or after death?”

Questions without absolute answers! Everywhere! 

(Picture someone holding their head with both palms pressed to either side like in an old black-and-white horror movie….shouting “THEY’RE EVERYWHERE, THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!” with question marks flying all around like birds.)

Then, I realized, I am not exactly having a stress-free experience of this alone-in-all-the-universe-mystery-chaos-unknown thing. 

Ah ha! I can inquire into even THIS situation. This troubling situation of empty space and Not Knowing!

There you are, in your home, all alone. Perhaps the night is before you, maybe you feel tired, maybe you no longer want to “work”, you want to rest. 

OMG! The Vast Emptiness! 

Run for your life!

This is where, in my own past, I would have the feeling to go eat something. Or drink alcohol. Or wonder what movie was on TV. Better check emails, or surf the net, or go to that porn site. Perhaps shopping, smoking, contacting someone, facebook, studying. 

It’s almost as if just the very idea of asking who I am, what this life is for, what is death, why am I here, what should I do now….sets off a low alarm to the mind. 

But is it true that Not Knowing the full answer, the complete picture, that Not Understanding…..is sad, bad, or troubling?

YES! I must understand! These great questions are my passion! I will know the Truth or die trying! 

If I accepted that I’ll never understand, or that the MIND won’t understand fully, then I won’t TRY to understand. If I accept that the MIND will not rest, that it’s a busy machine, then I’ll NEVER find peace. I’ll give up.

Can you absolutely know that this is true?

No. Doh!

How do you react when you believe that you’re gonna figure All This out at some point?

Arrrgh. Mad. Then sad. Then furious. Then depressed. Then scared. Then hopeless.

Now….who would you be without the thought that you need to know? That this is one big unknown mystery (and that’s alarming)?

Without the thought that this situation is sad, bad or troubling?

What if this unknown, alone, emptiness is fabulous, exciting, true, spacious, or deserves some investigation?

What if it’s OK to have this mind that has a penchant for answers (and questions) and it’s OK that the mind doesn’t really grasp All This?

Turning the thought around, could it be just as possible that the mystery of who you are, and what’s going on around here, is thrilling, beautiful, light, important and good?

“To stand alone in true solitude is to stand in the recognition of the absolute completeness and unity of all manner of existence. And from that common ground, where nothing and no one is foreign to you, your love extends across the magnitude of time and embraces the greatest and smallest of things.” ~ Adyashanti 

Maybe the immensity of space you notice when you do not know what anything is for, or what happens next, or what this all is….maybe that open space of nothingness is full of love, not fear. 

And perhaps the visions of flying through outer space untethered, with no one anywhere in sight, about to die…is just a picture.

With Love, Grace

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Neediness Can Not Be Trusted, Right?

One of the top tricky little sneaky thoughts that I experienced living as a whole strategy for managing neediness has been: “I just won’t NEED that thing I have been needing. I’ll go without it. No problem!”

It’s actually pretty amazing to discover that you do not in fact need something that appeared to be necessary for physical or emotional survival.

But then….if you sink your teeth into that new discovery and try to apply it to every situation where you feel a drop of neediness….you may suddenly realize one day that it’s not working anymore.

Because it’s a strategy. It wasn’t true surrender for me.

I was the Queen of Not Needing.

I don’t need a partner, I don’t need food, I don’t need drugs (even pain medications), I don’t need money, I don’t need a past, I don’t need a future, I don’t need school, I don’t need a degree, I don’t need to talk.

It was a quiet week day during the summer months. I had dropped out of college because I was trying to win the prize for Not Needing food (you may know this story from other Grace Notes).

I was reading everything I could get my hands on about consciousness. It was the beginning of my self-help book exploration (and I’m so glad people have chosen to write about their transformations and help others understand themselves).

Somewhere I read that there really is no past. It’s over.

And my mind jumped from that conceptual and philosophical idea…..to gathering all the photos, yearbooks, baby pictures, scrap books, greeting cards, files and items that were collections of Past Memories in my bedroom…

….and deciding they need to go!

I don’t need any of that! The past is over! I am cleaning the slate! I’m starting from ZERO! Today I’m reborn!

There’s a scene in a movie called Little Man Big Man where the old native grandfather climbs up to a high cliff, believing that he’s going to die. He says the famous line “today is a good day to die”. He lies down on the earth and assumes the position, flat on his back.

And he lies there, and lies there. It starts to rain and the drops are hitting his face.

He sits up. Hilarious. Nope. Not going the way he thought. Still here.

That summer afternoon at age 20, I took all photos that I possessed, all scrap books, my high school year books, the cards from boyfriends or best friends, notes from my parents, flyers from events I attended, saved tickets, mementos…

…and I drove them in boxes to the city dump.

I watched them fly through the air into the huge piles of garbage far below. Never to be seen again.

I gave away almost everything I owned to friends and family, keeping only the clothing and a few items I absolutely loved.

I waited. Oh.

I still have memories. The past still exists….in my mind. Still here.

But it wasn’t terrible. I got what was here, inside, that was not attached to anything that could be possessed.

I don’t regret doing that dramatic thing.

However, I also learned that discovering “I don’t need it!” is not always honest. And you can’t force it, when it is not actually true.

Today, I am totally 100% in favor of food, water, shelter, clothing, medical attention, money, and contact with people. I absolutely love them all!

Back when I was 20? I was imagining that I was against them all, or trying to be.

Who would you be without the thought that it’s bad, difficult, or painful to want something with enormous passion?

Who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t want that yummy food? I wouldn’t condemn myself for wanting it. I’d start asking people if they had any food! I’d eat with gusto and pleasure.

Who would I be without the thought that it’s painful to want more money? I’d have a blast enjoying the pursuit of money.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to avoid needing?

Free to need, if I do….and not need, if I don’t. Free to be myself HONESTLY. I love trusting my natural responses.

“If you open yourself to the Tao, you are at one with the Tao and you can embody it completely. If you open yourself to insight, you are at one with insight and you can use it completely. If you open yourself to loss, you are at one with loss and you can accept it completely. Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

If you notice subtle, but tricky, strategies for dealing with your uncomfortable relationship with money, and with NEEDING it, then join us next week on Thursday mornings! Register HERE.

With Love, Grace

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Money Relationship Status: Married

Money. Relationship Status: It’s Complicated.

That’s how I used to feel ALL THE TIME about that never-ending angst-ridden relationship with that unpredictable, difficult, demanding thing called MONEY.

I would see those other people with lots of Money, or hardly any Money at all…and people appeared happy, sad, depressed, thrilled in spite of the lack or abundance of money. It didn’t always makes sense, that’s for sure.

Happy/Sad, Positive/Negative…people appeared to feel all feelings no matter how much money or how little money they had.

And yet the story persisted that WITH money, people feel better.

I would feel better.

I also saw that it seemed to take a lot of hard, hard, drudgery to earn Money. It also seemed that (less often) Money just showed up unannounced, unexpectedly.

I had so many conflicting thoughts about money, that I knew I absolutely had to figure out how to use The Work and deep self-investigation to understand money better.

It wasn’t enough to just do The Work on “I need more money” even though exploring this belief offered huge insight (because I learned that in any given moment, I actually was fine with or without any money).

Even though I was lightening up about Money in so many ways…in other ways I was still very fearful.

Bottom line, it was absolutely true that having money was better than not having it. No question, it seemed absolutely true.

I just couldn’t let go of that roller-coaster ride relationship!

So, I got to work looking at what I believed money represented in my life.

I came up with many qualities: security, kindness, ease, relaxation, love, approval, celebration, joy, comfort.

Oh yikes. That’s a whole heck of a lot to put on money, right?

If money was a person, in the way I felt about it, it would be practically like an unobtainable hollywood movie star, or like some kind of god.

So spectacular, and so desirable!

And in addition to all THAT….my belief was that I had to work really, really hard to get a lot of it. I mean REALLY hard.

I had offer something so unique, exquisite, and perfect it was almost as impossible as that distant magical demi-god star. I had to change peoples’ lives, I had to work for hours into the night, I had to push myself physically.

Receiving money would only happen if I was getting rewarded for massive effort.

I was over here, on this side of the Grand Canyon….and the land of people with money flowing easily to them was over there, on the other side.

Of course I noticed Those People who inherited money from family, who won money (I’ve never met anyone in real life with that story however) or who were raised with abundant money.

But I still believed SOMEONE in their history worked their ass off to get the piles of money. In my work on money, after several worksheets on Rich People, I interviewed people who I knew had lots of money and asked if I could ask them questions about money. Several said “yes”.

It still seemed like they did something that took off, that created value for people.

But I loved questioning that this then meant that it was lots of work, drudgery, it took a lot of time, or it was “hard”.

So let’s take a look today! Oh boy!

I have to work hard to make money. I have to be brilliant, convincing, smart. I have to be very disciplined. I have to use my time very wisely…there isn’t much time for play. Playing too much means no money. This relationship with money is endlessly complicated.

Is that true?

Yes! All the people I admire with money, all those people waaaaayyyyy over there on the other side of the Grand Canyon, on the side WITH money….someone worked very hard to arrive there!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I know that they arrived? That they went from Not Having to Having? That the gap was really that big? That they didn’t play? That they had to be special, extra smart, extra disciplined, extra brilliant?

No. There may be some “regular” people who move from not having money to having money. In fact…I know some.

Um, now that you put it that way….I know a lot of them.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I have to be a certain way in order to make money? (Brilliant, disciplined, genius, convincing, determined).

How do I react when I’m looking for a job, and I think “people who get jobs get fabulous interviews, they have connections, they are genius at convincing someone to hire them, they are super good at what they do”?

How do I react when I feel this is so endlessly complicated?

I feel discouraged. I think “I’m not good enough”. I feel mediocre, average, dull, passive, and very self-critical.

I start to feel not good enough for money.

But who would I be without the thought that I need to be different than I am in order to make money?

That I need to be different if I am going to get a job, or do well in business, or sell my book, or cross the great divide between the me who has little money and the me who has lots of money?

Really….if you just put this thought on pause for a moment. What is that like?

Lighter. Curious. Interested. Open. Not striving. Dropping the need to make an effort, to push, to be disciplined, to be harsh.

I turn the thought around: I am just right, as I am, for making money. 

Could the opposites be just as true, or truer, than my original stressful beliefs?

I have to work easy to make money, I have to play more to make money, I have to be dull, relaxed, simple, no gripping. I have to be comfortable with chaos, disorder, open to the wild mystery (rather than disciplined). I do have to use my thinking wisely (not fearfully) and, there is no way to actually USE my time as if I’m losing time…Thinking playfully, joyfully, lightly means more money. It’s simple.

Gasp! But it will be terrible if I don’t work hard! I’ll never ACHIEVE! I’ll never accomplish! I’ll never arrive!

Could I try it for a few hours?

OK, could I try it for this moment? Could I just allow everything to be as it is, right now? Unknowable? Without having “arrived” at the place I think will be successful?

“What do you want? Do you want to be a success? I know what a success is…but YOU don’t realize what a success is yet or you would love yourself…..Look for peace from here now, not in the world. And then enjoy the world as it lives you. When you meet a stumbling block, just question your thoughts about what’s going on. Don’t expect anything.” ~ Byron Katie

As I contemplate not controlling myself, or my life, or my money, or my work, or my job status, or the amount of money coming and going, or that having money equals peace….

….I find I can feel the truth of not expecting anything, freely, openly, and how light, playful, hilarious and unplanned this all is.

And sitting here, writing in this quiet room, I feel the truth of peace permeating everything, of life creating itself, of awareness watching All This, and how I am so very successful….thinking, wondering, opening, being confused, trusting, letting go.

The amount of money, or security, or where I’m at on the job continuum, doesn’t actually have to change for me to notice that I could just as easily drop down into the other side of the Grand Canyon, that side Over There for people with money.

I could visit over there just as easily. Starting right now.

Money Relationship Status: Married.

Last class starting this year: MONEY! Wanting, needing, earning it. Thursdays 8  – 9:30 am Pacific Time. 12/5 – 1/23. Register HERE.

With Love, Grace

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Tolerant, Disinterested, Amused, Kind (The Result of The Work)

One week until the next Saturday mini retreat here in Seattle. We have room for maybe 2 more people, that’s it though. What a great thing to do during the holiday weekend, right? Join us!

An afternoon spent in The Work can save you 421 hours of irritation with THAT person who bugs you.

(You know who I’m talking about…even if it’s yourself!)

Just kidding….there would be no way to ever measure how much emotional pain or hours-of-irritation would be saved by doing The Work…

….all I know is, I love having this incredible, ever-expanding tool to use when stress, fear, sadness, annoyance, discomfort or desperation arises.

And, the difficulties life presents seem more interesting now. In fact, some things that life presents actually seem hilarious….where they USED to be very, very over-the-top serious.

Like, for example.

Yesterday, I had an interview on my calendar. Exciting! I love talking about The Work! I’ve done several radio shows before.

Before I went to bed, I plugged in my cell phone, and for the first time ever, put it on Airplane Mode and set the alarm. I’m a very early riser, but I really wanted to be up and ready, maybe meditate a little beforehand. Get centered.

But yes, you read that correctly…I put my phone on Airplane Mode, meaning zero disturbance or interruption.

I also failed to notice that the actual plug fell out of the wall as I plugged in the phone to its charger….so it was not getting recharged overnight, and only had 3 percent red zone power left when I woke up.

I mean, how goofy is that. It’s like I’m one of the three stooges or something.

No alarm, and remember, we’re going on an airplane apparently….so I slept a bit later than I usually do….an HOUR later.

I came to the interview literally just rolled out of bed, with my hair wildly un-brushed and sleepy eyes, and in my pajamas…..

…..and then discovered that this was a video interview.

Now, in the past, this might have made me freak out and apologize frantically and feel some sense of panic or embarrassment.

But I had nothing like that.

“Oh! Well! Since this is a VIDEO interview…how do I look? Like I just woke up? I see! OK…I think I’ll just take 10 minutes and go brush my hair!”

The fabulous interviewer, Brooke (I’ll tell you about her when the interview goes live) was totally fine with waiting.

We had a wonderful conversation. When you watch the interview, you can remember that I was asleep 12 minutes before it. Ha!

I find the whole thing quite hysterical.

Here’s the crazy thing. Other much more critical experiences also have a lighter feel, an element of humor….where my first reaction in the past was the opposite: dread, seriousness, urgency, shame.

Inside, before doing the work, my reaction might look like this:

OMG! She just rejected me! OMG! He just insulted me! OMG! I’m running into HIM! Run! Hide! Duck out of the building! OMG! I have cancer! OMG! She betrayed me! OMG! I have to have surgery! OMG! I got fired! OMG! I’m going to die! OMG! My car made a noise! OMG! My kid didn’t text me!

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t have these kinds of responses….you get to hear about them all the time in Grace Notes, right?

But it’s like they are only a PART of me. They don’t take over. They just don’t get that much juice. They don’t have much weight.

I don’t lose much sleep….obviously! (Airplane Mode?)

I recently heard Katie talking about The Work and what happens after you do it for awhile.

“People say ‘smoking quit me’ or ‘alcohol quit me’. They are dealing with the original cause. They questioned their mind, and the world shifts out of that. Our wants, our needs, our desires…they all shift as the mind shifts…..Eventually a thought will start to arise like ‘he doesn’t care about me’ and then it’s already met with ‘is it true?’ and it’s silent. And then you just notice ‘I don’t know’.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh boy, what fun.

If you think you are a hard nut to crack, by the way….I have similar experience. I’ve questioned, and questioned and looked and re-looked and examined, and repeated the same thoughts over and over.

The same fears, the same worries, the same sweating armpits….

….but little tiny shifts happened. Little openings, laughter, joy, excitement.

Give yourself some slow time, identifying clearly, and then questioning, what you really believe that produces stress.

You may find yourself responding to the world in ways you never thought possible.

Laughing!

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

With Love, Grace

P.S. Last class starting this year: MONEY! Wanting, needing, earning it. Thursdays 8  – 9:30 am 12/5 – 1/23.

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Ready For Anything

Yesterday I was walking, rather slowly, in much narrower strides than I usually take, up a long incline, heading back to my parked car.

I felt the now familiar yanking kind of burning dull ache in my right sits bone. One of the doctor’s that I’ve visited recently voice popped in my head “….since it’s hanging on by maybe less than 20%…possible it could pop off…careful until surgery…”

I suddenly pictured 1/5th the amount of attached tendon pulled really tight, like an over-stretched rubber band about to “pop”.  

Oh. What was that? 

I think it’s popping off right now. Could it be?

I kept walking. I noticed the view below of the blustery lake, the space needle off to my left (Seattle icon), wind blowing my hair into my eyes.

Having an injury, with chronic “pain” (which by the way seems to come and go) really reminds me that I have a body.

This flesh and bone thing that I appear to inhabit. Something is on low-grade alarm, radiating from the leg. 

But right now, I also happen to be facilitating the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass, and we’re looking, as I’ve looked a bunch of times before, at what is believed about HURT and SUFFERING and PAIN.

It hurts. I am in pain. She hurts. He hurts. This is terrible. Having a body is vulnerable. Having a body is dangerous. I’m in control of this body. I HAVE a body.

Are these things true?

Oh brother, YES. Would you stop asking that for once? This is DEFINITELY true. 

Without a body, I wouldn’t be anything. I wouldn’t be here. And this thing, called a body, hurts sometimes. It can get hurt (I have evidence)!

It appears that other people get hurt! 

But I don’t actually know if this is terrible, and I don’t know if this body needs to stay NOT hurting, and I don’t know if it’s really dangerous and vulnerable to have this body. At all. 

OK OK! I don’t know if it’s even true that this is MY body. I’m not sure who or what invented it, and it appears I had nothing to do with it.

How do I react when I believe the thought that this sensation is called “pain” and that it means something terrible is happening, already happened, or is about to happen in the future?

I have images form in my head, flashing like a speedy movie of moving flash cards, of surgeries and knives and cut off limbs and death and other things that frighten me. 

I feel sick to my stomach, nervous, worried. I treat myself like I’m a victim, something happened TO me. I got unlucky. Other people are walking around freely with connected hamstrings. 

Look, there goes a person now, running by. She isn’t having stabbing pains in her pelvic bone! That’s the way it’s supposed to be! 

I chuckle. 

Who would I be without the thought that this sensation “hurts” or that it’s very bad news, or that I am getting surgery, or that this body is mine, or that something is wrong with this right leg. 

Strangely light. Like giggling. Goosebumps. 

Without the thought that this is a bad situation, I’m here, now. Tuned in. Alive. I feel a pulsing awareness of everything, sensing it all with this thing called a body. 

No regrets, no fear in this moment. 

Now here’s the bizarre thing: without the thought that this is terrible, wrong, that pain is bad, or that this is my body and it is dangerous to have one….

….I’m almost looking forward to having this surgery. 

Oh wow…that’s the ultimate turnaround. I am willing to have this hurt, to go through this, to feel this body…..I look forward to having this hurt, to go through this, to feel this body.

Weird, right? WOW! COOL!

“The Master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to: no illusions in his mind, no resistances in his body. He doesn’t think about his actions; they flow from the core of his being. He holds nothing back from life; therefore he is ready for death, as a man is ready for sleep after a good day’s work.” ~ Tao Te Ching #50 

With Love, Grace