Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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No Value, No Motive, No Nothin’ But Your Inquiry

The heart of the big city was bustling even though it was a Saturday morning. I had parked my car on a steep city street nearby that was one of the few spots that allowed longer than 2 hours.

I dressed in business clothing, as the all-weekend meeting I was attending was in a spectacular high-rise full of offices that looked far out over Puget Sound.

I had signed up to attend this intensive training because…..on my own, things weren’t going so well.

I was failing at getting clients for my new practice in steady enough droves that I could survive, I didn’t know how to hustle, I felt determined to succeed.

I have attended many other trainings and programs and workshops, because my favorite thing in the world practically is learning, upgrading, and understanding myself and other humans.

This program involved 12 people getting together once a month for a year, to re-invent ourselves, to grow, to expand, to try on new ideas.

As the lead facilitator of the program said in his opening speech “this program will be for you what you make it” I felt a little nervous.

I remember attending another intensive workshop for writers. In our opening exercise, the leader/teacher told us to write down what our biggest obstacles are to accomplishing the task of writing.

I could see pretty easily what I wanted, and had some good ideas about what held me back:

I am afraid, I need someone to hold my hand the whole time, I can’t trust myself or my own thinking, I can’t make it on my own, I don’t know what to do, I’m not good enough, I need someone to lead me.

I was hoping the program would change me and make me someone who never had uncomfortable thoughts, who knew what to do, and who was good enough.

There is a small possibility of doing The Work with this same “motive”.

This motive says, if I question my thoughts, if I change my mind, if someone treats me with tough love, if someone forces me to go workout at 6 am….

….THEN I’ll no longer be myself, and I’ll no longer suffer.

The problem for me, with that kind of thinking, is that I became a restless seeker for trying things, then changing my mind, then moving on, then ditching.

It was like dieting. It works temporarily, but for a lifetime?

No.

Back then, I would do anything to NOT be me. To get over my “problems”.

The word “motive” is defined in the dictionary as “a reason for doing something, especially that is hidden or not obvious.”

When you believe you MUST change, that your personality or problems are serious, and you’re sure someone out there has the answer for you, then you may find you’re in an endless loop-thinking that is never resolved.

“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway. Then you start to get a hint of why the mind, in a deep sense of liberation, tends to get very quiet. It doesn’t have its job anymore. It has its usefulness, but it doesn’t have its full-time occupation of sustaining an intricately fabricated house of cards.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would I be without the thought that the training or educational programs I’ve enrolled in needed to “change” me?

Without the thought that it’s better to have a degree? Without the thought that I must emulate another different person (not me) in order to find peace? Without the thought that I’m faulty?

Wow! I would feel open to all possibilities. I would be free to come or to go, free to stop hunting for a Quick Fix or a Cure.

I would be drawn to experts and very thrilled at their knowledge and input.  I’d say yes/say no. Any option would work.

I’d be ecstatically, joyfully ME.

No desperation, no expectations, no ideal dream world of the perfect version of ME in the future.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.” ~ Pema Chodron

If you’re ready to join a group for a year (or for an 8 week teleclass) then Year Of Inquiry YOI begins again in January on Fridays at 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.

These are groups of compadres who join together in mutual support and understanding, who practice questioning our thinking, who are open to loving what is, including themselves, for an entire year (2 in-person optional retreats, the rest telesessions).

“Not my words, not my presence, nothing about me is of value to other people….But what people can see, through inquiry, is their own truth. That’s where the value is; that’s what can be experienced when you’re tired of suffering. You can reach out and have that, because it is your very own.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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The Perfect Harmony of An Accident

Yes, I am still here, alive and well and recovering from pretty major surgery deep into the back of my right leg.

I basically can’t do much of anything for several weeks. Even getting out of bed is somewhat of a project, and going to the bathroom (I have a padded toilet seat cover).

The sensations are varied: burning, sharp zaps, deep aching, shaky and trembling.

I watch this body, feel this body.

Stuck in bed with healing leg. All is so very well! Enjoying this as much

One moment I need to drink some water, I reach over and get my little blue glass with a straw and sip. I have the slight feeling to eat, I ask my son or husband to bring me apple slices with almond butter.

I hear the motor of a seaplane flying overhead. I hear the hum of the house heater blowing warm air into the living room.

I hear wind chimes singing uproariously from outside on the front porch, it must be windy.

In the past, when I’ve been sick or had an accident like this one…..my nervous ninny has come out like wildfire.

Seeing other peoples’ accidents has been almost worse!

Long ago, before I ever had my children (my oldest is 19) I was on a road trip with my former husband.

We were touring the entire country for three months, including parts of Canada way up in Nova Scotia.

We were towards the end of our mighty long journey. Only 2 more days back to Seattle and our little apartment that had been sublet for the summer.

With windows rolled down and August air rushing through the late afternoon light, we were driving through the wild yellow grasses and farm lands of California, traveling from east to west. The road was a beautiful gray color against the wheat fields. We were on a small, two-lane highway.

Rounding a corner, we saw something odd looking. One of those moments where it takes a half-second to register.

A ford pick-up truck was up on its side, wheels still creaking, several yards from the side of the road. Nothing else was around.

We stopped our car.

Silence, and wind.

There was movement off to the left, away from the truck. A small child of about 6 years old laying on the ground unconscious, then stirring.

I went to the truck, my husband went to the child.

Inside against the ground, not the steering wheel side (that part was up in the air) was a small woman. She was crumpled against the door of the truck.

I’m not a first aid person, but I knew to touch her neck to see if she was alive. She was. She had a ton of blood on her head and her legs looked broken.

Another car pulled up along the road and someone jumped out to help. A man’s voice was saying “get away from the truck”. I helped pull the woman from the car and move her. She woke up and started talking with slurred words.

She was lying on her back with legs stretched out, and someone had gone to call 911. We all didn’t have cell phones 25 years ago.

I stayed right by her, holding her hand, as she said non-sensical words and talked about getting a DUI and how she really couldn’t get another one.

“Where’s my son”, she said. Someone brought a blanket for her, and another one for her son, who was now sitting up.

Then helicopters came after awhile, and the mother and son were loaded in and taken off.

All the while during the crisis I felt incredibly calm, clear, and lazer-focused on stopping the woman’s head from bleeding, being with her.

But afterwards….that’s when I could have used The Work. Oh boy.

I couldn’t sleep for 2 days. I tossed and turned and saw the gash in her forehead, the blood, the truck, the frightened boy, her askew legs, over and over again.

My whole body was full of adrenaline. Like, AFTER the whole thing was over.

Jeez! I just wanted it to turn off!

But going into the images that are most frightening, shocking, difficult or terrifying and looking at them, I didn’t realize at the time, was probably the quickest way to remember my own sense of peace.

I shouldn’t think these terrible thoughts, I hate seeing that horrible situation, I don’t want to be a part of this violent scene, I never want to be in the middle of a car accident again (even if I’m completely unharmed).

Is it true?

Are you kidding me, of COURSE it’s true!! It was pure torture!!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Pure torture? All horrible? Violent only, zero peace?

No.

How do I react when I believe the thought that it was awful, that I can’t handle these images, that I need to stop thinking about this, that it was sooo unfortunate that I had to witness that event?

I replay the scene endlessly. I wonder why the woman was drinking in the late afternoon, where she lives, what will become of the boy. I have to know it turned out OK (whatever that is, exactly?)

I’m afraid of the universe, I believe the world is a dangerous place, with things like this happening in it.

But who would I be without the thought that the accident, the scene, the situation, the destruction….were all pure horror?

I’m not even sure how to answer that question….and yet….I see how without denying that any of it happened, there was also kindness, love, sincerity, quiet, and peace present.

Right there, on the side of the highway.

Without the thought that I should stop thinking about it, and it’s so so so terrible…

….I look back at myself so many years ago and realize that while I didn’t sleep for 2 nights hardly at all, I then DID sleep.

Time rolled on. I breathed deeply.

And I got to have very meaningful conversations about life and death with one of my sisters (where we were due that night, in California) and with my former husband.

I find the turnarounds, even though that situation was from so long ago:

I should think these thoughts (and maybe they are not terrible), I accept seeing that situation, I want to be a part of this scene (I was helpful), I am willing to be in the middle of a car accident again, even….
 
….I look forward to being in the middle of a car accident again.
 
Yikes! What a non-resistant stand, though. What a freeing perspective. What a sense that all is well, no matter what.
“This aliveness does not hold still. A friend of mine who was a surgical nurse described the shock of interns making their first cut in a living body. They’ve studied the anatomy book, they’ve dissected the cadavers, but now they’re cutting into a living organism and suddenly everything is slippery and pulsating and moving, blood is gushing out, everything is moving. This is real life. Nothing holds still. It’s a mess. And yet, it all holds together in perfect harmony — from the microscopic to the astronomical — the universe functions with perfect order and intelligence, even when there seems to be conflict and disorder from a limited point of view.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Perfect order, perfect intelligence…even in injuries, accidents.

Can you find how this could be true?

Much love, Grace

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I Don’t Have To Do Anything

Some time ago I was working with a man who was newly in business as a chiropractor. He wanted customers, and he felt like he was soooo struggling.

His voice was so sincere and kind, and I heard his disappointment and worry. He wanted to support his wife, he wanted to have kids, but he was feeling very unhappy about the lack of money coming in.

“This is way harder than I thought. I’m going to fail. I have to do something.”

I was there. I knew what he was talking about.

About 7 years ago I was losing everything I owned, and on the brink of losing my house.

I had been in a coach-training program, I had my master’s degree in behavioral science (from ten years before) and I was completing the certification for The Work.

I sent away for PhD program brochures, even though I had nothing left to pay for one of them.

I thought I needed to be in MORE action. I needed to DO something, ASAP.

I believed I had to have more experience, more credentials, more training and more authority, more discipline. I needed goals, plans and clear direction. I believed I was missing something, desperately.

Many authors, coaches, mentors, or teachers of well-being and human potential talk about ACTION and BEING.

Like they’re super different.

If you’re “being” you’re simply feeling it, kickin’ back, relaxed, not bossing yourself around, no schedule.

If you’re “acting” then you’re busy, fired up, excited and completing things.

It can be really rough when you believe you should be in action, or you should be “being” and you’re out of balance to one side or the other.

If you’re in action too much: wreckless, tired, driven, workaholic, busy, no time, burned out, angry, frustrated, determined, mad at other people, yelling at the slow traffic, making mistakes.

If you’re being too much: lazy, unaccomplished, no gains, everything stays the same or gets worse, unproductive, fearful, careful, defensive, too much time (and wasting time).

One of the best ways to identify your stressful thoughts about either of these conditions is to picture that person who represents either “action” orientation, or “being” orientation, and judge the heck outta them.

This is not judging yourself–you got that going on already, massively even.

Just try judging someone else instead.

The man I was working with was frightened of his parent’s criticism, and also comparing himself to other chiropractors who were way successful.

I myself found many judgments of some of the master coach trainers I had encountered in the world. They seemed to be saying “get off your ass” all the time.

GO GO GO!

Being interested so deeply in internal freedom, I rebel against that sort of thing!

I also noticed judgments of people who do nothing, who complain about their same job but never leave it, people who want a spouse but never go out or try to meet anyone or go on dates, people who want a thriving practice but get scared about promoting themselves, people who are upset about making mistakes, people who say they want to lose weight, but doing examine their relationship with food or movement.

Oh where to begin?

The man I was working with knew that he had such anxiety about income that he never stopped thinking frantically of his need to be in action. And yet, he was becoming immobile.

Not uncommon, but crazy, right?

Let’s do The Work and see.

I know what I could “do” but it’s too hard, will take too long, will mean I have to take risks, that I could fail. And I hate HAVING to do something. 

Is this true? Can you absolutely know that you’d feel better if you never had to try to get a single client in your life? Can you know it’s true that you’ll be worn out, that you’ll fail, or that you’d have a lot MORE fun sitting around your house in your PJs?

Are you sure it will take too long? That its overwhelming? Are you positive that quitting is best, right now? Do you really need to give up altogether?

AND are you sure that if you took the entire day off, without being on task for getting what you want….that you wouldn’t get it?

I remember only about 2 years ago, thinking…if I have to keep working like this to build a private practice, then maybe it’s not worth it.

Fortunately, I had The Work so I could question my thinking.

How do you react when you believe you MUST take action NOW, or that you can’t relax? How do you react when you watch those other successful people and you criticize their lifestyle?

When I think I must take action NOW and it’s stressful, I quit, I exit, I drop the whole thing…or I feel aggressive, furious, competitive.

But who would I be without the thought that I MUST take action, or that I MUST be in non-action?

“Do what you love, and the money will follow? The first part of this sentence is true.” ~ David Whyte

Almost hard to even imagine this experience of NOT having the thought that you must be active or being. You mean, I only have to do whatever I do? Nothing more? Nothing less?

Without the thought, I simply notice that there are consequences that happen, whether I’m in action or not.

I do a fabulous gymnastics move, I tear my hamstring, I go to a business networking meeting, I have fun talking with people, I post on facebook, people come to the dance, I spend an hour a day writing, more and more people read, I take my son to breakfast, we have a wonderful conversation.

This then that.  Nothing 100% guaranteed.

I turn it all around: This is going to be easier than I thought, I’m going to succeed, I don’t HAVE to do anything. 

I notice I love creating programs that help people (and me) understand the mind and stressful thinking, I notice I adore writing every day, I love working with people, I love leading workshops, I love watching a great movie, I love going out to breakfast, I love reading.  

I love noticing what I love. My preferences. I’m action, then not. It all blends together with being, steadiness, quiet, gentleness, power.

Here is a great video about this, Katie doing The Work with a woman who believed her father forced her to complete household tasks.

What’s The Reality Of Pressure?

“Until I take responsibility, the world is my problem.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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Stop Pretending You’re In Bondage

A few days ago, I was studying the state of Anticipation.

(I can’t help but hear that word spoken in my mind like in Rocky Horror Picture Show….”an-tisssah—-pay-shun”).

The state of “now” in that present moment included deeply aching leg, very sore right achilles tendon, thigh muscles ticking independently in little spasms, an aching pelvis bone, my daughter lying on the floor on her stomach writing things in a notebook, the mailman’s little motorized truck making sounds out by the mailbox.

I had told my friends “it feels like a dagger is stuck in my right butt cheek all the way in, with only the handle in view.”

If I held really still, I couldn’t really feel anything. If I moved, just a wee bit, OOOWWWWW.

And then there’s the mind and all its ideas, visions, suggestions. Some are less stressful than others, to put it mildly.

But it occurred to me that this status of anticipating a major upcoming event is a very fascinating human condition.

You’re about to start a new job, get an operation (like me), start treatment for a disease, get divorced, go on a date, move to a new house, buy a refrigerator, run a workshop, have a baby, go on vacation, compete in the race.

The date is in the future. You really don’t know what it will be like. You’ve talked with other people. You have many questions, maybe you’ve gotten tons of questions answered.

You’ve read books. You’ve googled.  You’ve trained.

But there is nothing like actually doing it.

So weird, because there are many other things that happen that we do not know beforehand are going to happen. Unless we have one of those cool intuition thingies go on.

But whether or not you’re psychic, there are the things we KNOW are coming up at some future point, they’re on the calendar….and there are the things we do NOT know are coming, that are NOT on the calendar.

Back to anticipation.

Doing The Work when the mind is very chattery about the frightening upcoming event can make such a huge difference in the present, it’s astonishing.

In other words, I can sit here thinking about the operation, the drive to the hospital, gauze bandages, and lying on the couch at home without being able to move….

….and I can have an uncomfortable, nervous, depressed, or terrified, story about this upcoming situation….OR I can have an open, wondering, connected story about this upcoming situation.

Who would you be, in this moment now, without the thought that it could go wrong? That it could be hard? That you don’t know what will happen, or what it will really feel like?

Who would you be without the thought that it would be upsetting to lose the race, miss the airplane, not have enough money, not be able to control anything about the outcome?

Martin Seligman, famous in the field of psychology for studying learned helplessness and depression, began to study well-being in the 1960s.

Turns out, he created a manual (with the help of other wonderful researchers of human psychology) called Character Strengths and Virtues which is the opposite, or counterpart, to the DSM or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

One focuses on what can go right with human behavior and thinking. One focuses on what can go wrong with human behavior and thinking.

In the most simple, simple, simple way….turning any painful thought around to its opposite and imagining if it’s possible that this be true, is a sliver of what The Work is about.

I anticipate things will go badly, I’m scared, I’m nervous, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are dreadful, horrifying, sickening, sad.

Turned around: I anticipate things will go wonderfully, I’m excited, I’m full of energy, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are new, challenging, wild, wondrous, thrilling.

Does it matter whether you know or don’t know what will actually happen?

Who, or what, would you be if you knew that even death, endings, change, something being over, something beginning from the very start, losing, winning, acquiring, emptying, leaving…

…was all going to be absolutely, fundamentally OK?

“Starting right now, this moment, I am asking you to become the Buddha. I am asking you to take your stand, to stand absolutely firm in your intention to awaken to the Truth of your Self……..Stand up! You are the Buddha! You are freedom itself! Stop dreaming your dream! Stop pretending that you are in bondage—stop telling yourself that lie!” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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Bye Bye Identity

Today is the day! In about 8 hours that my right hamstring will get reattached to my sits bone deep in the pelvis. Around 1:30 pm Pacific time.

I have been limping, feeling pain, and moving more and more slowly for several weeks.

The usual marching, speedy, springing woman that I normally feel like has gone away for awhile, at least physically….

….and a new very slow person has replaced her.

I must admit. I’m a little anxious about the pain.

I saw photos of how they do this. It wasn’t exactly looking….gentle.

The surgeon cuts into the leg, slices across, goes underneath the gluteal muscle mass (that all gets lifted up with some kind of metal device), then the pelvic bone gets grazed up so it bleeds (this doesn’t sound peaceful) and then the shredded end of the hamstring that is detached gets pinned with two titanium pins onto the bleeding bone.

No problem!

Three days ago, I lay on a bench up in the choir loft of a gorgeous brilliantly lit church, the sun pouring through the colored glass and making the whole interior of the place glow with golden luminescence.

My leg was throbbing. Underneath the friendly, articulate, amused voice of David Whyte, who was standing far below (he has two working legs, I note) with a microphone….

….my mind would shout sometimes even through his eloquent words “oh god, 72 hours until the knife cuts the back of my thigh and goes deep into the place that is already throbbing right NOW”. 

David chuckled once, mid story, sun beaming towards his face like a spotlight, and picked up his podium with both hands, moving himself several feet to his left.

“I can only take so much light”, he joked.

I wonder if that’s how MY mind functions.

Because it is strong, stable, kind, loving and relaxed….and then….it appears to offer a slide show of dangerous Coming Events.

Me in a wheelchair, me laying face down for 6 weeks with drool coming out of my mouth, me crying because I can’t go outside, me not being able to get up to go to the bathroom with crutches, me with the entire right leg cut off, me realizing that this whole body thing is on its way out.

  • this is going to hurt
  • what if they can’t repair it (the worst thought)
  • I’ll never be the same
  • my life is over as I’ve known it
  • I’m going to shrivel up like an atrophied raisin, my muscles will shrink and petrify, and I will never come back to my athletic energetic self
OK then!
I know, I know, it’s a little over the top.
But allowing these kinds of thoughts to be as they are, knowing they are not all of me, has been one of the most wonderful things to accept.
“I shouldn’t think bad thoughts, I shouldn’t be worried, I should be positive, I should not anticipate pain, I shouldn’t be so dramatic.”
 
Is that true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I shouldn’t be making such a fuss, that I shouldn’t be worried, or that I’m saying goodbye to my life as I’ve known it?

 

No.

How do I react when I believe that this is a troubling situation? That this pain I feel is BAD, that I’ll never be the same, or that I’ll be in MORE pain soon?
Sick to my stomach, nervous, angry, full of visions of scary images.
Who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t be afraid?
Who would I be without the thought that this is disturbing, that it’s not guaranteed to go perfectly, or that this is a bummer?
Without these beliefs, I’m in a Don’t Know state. I feel the sensation in some parts of my leg and I’m calling it “hurt”, I write, I see other visions, I imagine myself hiking some day in the future, I hear a cat outside.
I breathe deeply.
I laugh as David Whyte talks, I see the pictures he describes. They are not of legs or hamstrings.
Can I turn these thoughts around to their opposite? YES!
  • this is going to heal
  • what if they can repair it
  • I’ll always be the same (especially the me that isn’t even a body)
  • my life is just beginning, with a new leg
  • I’m going to bloom like a juicy grape, my muscles will grow and loosen, and I am already back to my athletic energetic self

I just waved my arms around while lying on my back in the bed, laughing, my heart beating and my body getting warm enough to take off my sweatshirt.

My arms might have a fantastic, strengthening time. And my mind.

Why not?

Gratitude for everyone, for support, for change, for injuries, for surgeons, for the amazing technology of even being able to attempt to repair such things.
Gratitude for beds, couches, wheelchairs, legs, voices, blood, photographs, imagination, joy.
Gratitude for medicine, destruction, evolution, treatments….that we all move through the veil, eventually.
“We think that we’re afraid of the death of our body, though what we’re really afraid of is the death of our identity. But through inquiry, as we understand that death is just a concept and that our identity is a concept too, we come to realize who we are. This is the end of fear.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much love, Grace

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Could This Bad News Be Good?

It was very late on a Sunday night. My house was extremely quiet. Only the sound of the baseboard heater turning on and off occasionally filled the living room with a low hum.

I was making my second cup of tea. I was nervous, and my mind packed to the brim with thoughts of an anxious nature.

Wondering….what if? How about…? 

I was deep into the process of separation and divorce, but it all seemed fairly new. Like a sharp right turn was taken in the road when I expected the landscape to be flat and smooth.

My house was sometimes completely empty, like that Sunday, when beforethis change, on any given Sunday night there were my two children, my (former) husband, maybe even more children, nieces and nephews all sleeping in various rooms and formations throughout the house.

For the entire weekend, at that time many years ago, I had been alone in the house. And, for that entire weekend, I had been out of touch with a man I was newly dating.

I had texted, called, emailed. No response.

Unusual, I thought….and yet, I also hadn’t even been involved with this person for very long. So what was “usual”?

But I had a feeling of great unrest.

  • he’s with someone else
  • he doesn’t care about me
  • I am getting abandoned (again)
  • I can’t handle this
  • I am completely, fundamentally, alone

I slept horribly that night.

The next day, this man did indeed let me know that he had been with someone else and spent the night with her.

We had no agreement, rules, plans, expectations or conditions for this “relationship”. I couldn’t even say it WAS a relationship.

And yet….I felt nauseated, grief-stricken, exhausted and disappointed to a depth I could hardly fathom.

I also knew how to do The Work and question my thinking, and enlist support to do so.

I called in sick to my job, called up one of my dearest friends who facilitated The Work, and asked for her to facilitate me. I also arranged for 3 other people to facilitate me every two hours for that entire day.

I got to work. I wanted to know the truth for myself. I didn’t understand why my pain was so deep, despairing and intense.

Is it true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else?

Yes, yes, yes. I felt like sobbing, I was so disappointed.

But could I absolutely know that it was true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else? That he should have called me sooner? That he should have told me he was interested in other people?

No. I can see how I wanted the world to line up so that I wouldn’t be sad, upset, or rejected. Ever.

And I could not absolutely know what was right for me, what was best for my future. I could not know what was best for him, or for his life. I couldn’t even know that him spending a weekend doing whatever he wanted to do MEANT that he was rejecting me, that he didn’t care about me, or that I couldn’t handle it.

I mean…jeez. I had so much wrapped up in his behavior and how BAD it was for me…but I had no idea that it WAS bad for me, really.

So I didn’t know if it was true that he shouldn’t have done that.

How did I react?

Like it was the worst thing ever. Like I got punched in the stomach. I took it very, very personally.

Until I considered who I would be without the thought that he shouldn’t have spent his weekend the way he did?

Without the thought?

Holy Moly! I was sooooo free. Open, curious about whatever was next. Ready to see what happened. Clear. Noticing what works for me, and what doesn’t. Noticing my preferences with joy. Happy for him.

Excited.

I turned the thought around “he should have been with someone else this weekend”.

I got to become aware of my mind that was so damn sure I was being abandoned, not cared about, unable to handle this, and deeply, fundamentally alone.

I am set free, I am cared for and loved, I can handle this, I am not alone.

Could all these things be as true, or truer?

Yes.

In those moments of doing The Work, I was sharing intimately with the most fabulous people, I was handling my situation very well indeed, (I was surviving it for sure), I loved myself with all my heart, I had the beauty of silence and a sense of magical energy all around me, full of possibility.

If you’ve ever felt the fear and pain in heartbreak, I hope you can find this also to be true: everything is waiting for you.

The books, the dresser, the silence, the faucet with water pouring out, the telephone with friends asking powerful questions through it, The Work, the bathtub, the tea cup, the wooden floor, the roof, the air all around….

….the future is waiting for you.

That should have happened.

Because look what is here all around me, in this present moment.

Heaven.

Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

  — David Whyte

Much love, Grace

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Mysterious Unrepeatable You

Today I am with David Whyte, the beautiful poet.
I can’t wait to share about my time with him!
In honor of the celebration of poetry, unique expression, seeing things anew, being you.…
….whoever or whatever is you, right? Mysterious. Precious. Unrepeatable.
I celebrate the poetry that you, alone, are.
Much love,
Grace
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Listening To God

Last night the YOI Thursday group gathered together as we do on the phone to stop, and inquire.

Such a simple concept “I need him/her to be considerate”.

Oh the wrath! Annoying, frustrating….sad!

Daughters, mothers, neighbors.

One of my favorite parts of the inquiry was drilling into the meaning of consideration.

Why would I care about that person being considerate? How do I know that they aren’t being absolutely, wonderfully, whole-heartedly, brilliantly considerate?

What’s my proof?

What does it mean when someone is acting like that…whether leaving their hair in the drain, parking too close, or yelling and screaming and saying very painful things?

Finding what you believe, going in for the truth, can be the most wondrous investigation.

If that person wasn’t doing that thing (that I’m calling inconsiderate) then I would be happy, I would be safe, I would be relaxed, I would be loved, things would be easy, things would be smooth.

I wouldn’t have to face “x” if only that person were more bloody *&)$%^ considerate!!

Who would I be without the thought that she wasn’t considerate? He wasn’t considerate?

Wow. There that person is, doing this, saying that, being who they are…

….and I am here, watching it, without the thought that they are failing to consider me, or others.

Inside, without the thought, I feel open, spacious, rested, curious.

I might speak, I might move towards them, I might remain quiet, I might see what is outside the window.

I turn the thought around that I need her to be more considerate, to the opposite.

I don’t need that. She shouldn’t be, he shouldn’t be. 

I entertain this possibility. Once again, here I am again, back here with myself, feeling all the emotions, the love, the care, the concern, the draw to intimacy, the way this person has brought me alive, passionately, with energy (even if it’s rage).

I need to be considerate of myself, I need to consider her, I need to consider him. 

Yes, I need to drop this fight, I need to end this argument, I need to thank this other person, I need to move closer to them, I need to love, to trust.

“Everyone is God speaking. Why not be polite, and listen to him?” ~ Hafiz

Love, Grace

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Parent Driving Panic

Many years ago, on a quiet weekday afternoon, I was exhausted with sleep-deprivation, having a two year old toddler girl and a five year old son who had just started kindergarten.

My daughter went down for a nap. I rushed around picking up things off the floor then making my way to my bedroom to lie down, for just a little while.

This unusual day…I fell asleep in the silent house. The phone never rang, I didn’t get involved in some project, I didn’t start paying bills.

I woke with a start and sat up. The afternoon light didn’t look right.

Because normally, I have to get my daughter in the car and go fetch my son at school when the light is still bright, mid-afternoon light. My son comes out at a set time every day. There’s a spot for parents in cars. Some days, I carpool or other parents drive.

But Thursdays, I always go get my son.

In the very still, dense, quiet afternoon…I grasp that I had fallen asleep.

OMG! What time is it??!!

I was supposed to be there NOW. It would take me 30 minutes to drive there.

Have you ever driven from here to there filled with anxiety because you absolutely have to be there already?

I wish I had The Work or a way to have investigated what was true and what was not true at that time, with my small children.

Back then, I thought it was an EMERGENCY that I was so late.

My son Ben was only 5, he didn’t have a cell phone, I had no way to contact the teacher, I didn’t even know how to contact the school when the bell had already rung.

I put myself in my son’s little shoes and knew he would probably go to the pick up place and stand there.

My hand gripped the wheel and images reeled through my head of him being led away by an unsavory adult…of him crying as all the kids and buses and teachers left him standing alone….of him being abandoned.

I was sick to my stomach, in heavy thick traffic. Every driver went at the pace of a turtle. My heart was popping out of my throat.

Turning the corner into the sight of the pick up area, I saw his little purple coat, and him standing with his hood up, very still, both hands to his sides with his yellow lunch sack in one hand and his back pack that looked enormous on his small back.

I jumped out of the drivers seat of my car and I’m sure my face looked wild with apology.

Ahhh yes, if only I had The Work.

Because when I look back, my son Ben was actually PERFECTLY FINE.

He wasn’t maimed, injured, desperate, frightened.

I asked him “Were you worried? I am so, so, sorry. Mommy is so, so sorry.”

A little worried mommy. 

I look back and see the teaching and the learning, passed along so innocently. 

Now is the moment to think you were abandoned, that mom was unreliable, that you were let down….that mom is very sorry…and now that I’ave arrived you discover all is well, and you are relieved.  

Who would I be without the thought that falling asleep, not waking up, being late, that Ben standing alone for 25 minutes without me picking him up….was terrible, was all my fault….and was all something I should have avoided and that he hated?

Now it’s 15 years later. I still think about that moment with sorrow. Except NOW, today, as the image flashes through my mind….I pause.

I say “Is that all true?” 

No. No idea.

Was that a dangerous situation? Not really. Was it outrageous that I was so unreliable? No.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to GET THERE NOW, and it appears….you can’t.

Even if the situation is much more serious or critical than mine.

You might actually be present during the drive, instead of so freaked out that all you remember is the gripped steering wheel.

Who would you be without the thought that there was a mistake, in the past?

Especially with your young child, who may be much older now (or not)?

“Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie….You are the solution to the problem–your apparent problem. No mother or son has ever done harm. We’re dealing with confusion here, that’s all. Through this work, we come to realize that.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Get Your Body Problem Solved

It was the evening of the day after Thanksgiving. The night was very dark and chilly. It had been a quiet day full of reading, (some clients for me), and watching an old movie we all wanted to see because it won Best Picture in 1970.

Inside our little cottage it was very toasty, bright and cozy. 

My son then noticed he didn’t feel that good. He went to bed. In the morning, he threw up.

An hour later, he threw up again. And a little later, again.

Then my daughter threw up. 

Going into “mom” mode, I’m getting them medicine, feeling their foreheads for their temperature, going out to buy them anything they’ll drink to get rehydrated. A day of attending to the sick, but doing other things as well.

We’re all analyzing what they ate, for food poisoning analysis.

Then, my husband threw up. He never gets sick, not like this. 

I have the thought enter my mind “uh oh.” 

Then right away, “Wow, I haven’t gotten it! It’s going to pass me by, I’m going to avoid it, maybe I’ll never feel a thing!”

A day later, I myself am throwing up, several times during the night. Followed by the fever and chills for 24 hours that everyone else also has. 

A little experience of illness will get any mind going, if it’s not questioned, with thoughts of alarm.

In my mind, I’m thinking about the great plague of Europe and how it rampaged through everyone and killed the majority of the population.

The body is vulnerable, there is no one who is protected against illness, I can be destroyed.

Nooooooo!!!!!

(And by the way….I also thought….isn’t the whole torn off hamstring enough? Apparently not). 

Fortunately for me, one of the YOI groups started its new topic this month: The Work on The Body.

I guide everyone through filling out the Judge Your Body worksheet right there on the phone together, so we take the time (so easy to dismiss) to sit and consider what our most stressful, painful, agonizing beliefs are about this body.

People found that as they allowed their judgments to come to the surface, they sometimes felt embarrassed or nervous about saying them out loud. Sometimes I have felt superficial when I identify my stressful beliefs on my body, like I shouldn’t care this much about the body being healthy, or looking “attractive” or being in top condition.

Everyone gets sick, stop complaining!

But rejecting these thoughts or shoving them away and trying to think positively doesn’t really work. Not when I’ve been sad, or terrified, anxious or alarmed. 

So…..how wonderful to have The Work for identifying deeper emotional pain around living in this body.

“I shouldn’t get sick”.

Is it true?

Yes, how could that not be true? What purpose would getting sick offer? How could there be ANYTHING useful, good, or advantageous about getting sick?

Who set this universe up anyway?!!! I need to have a word!!!

(Notice how the mind goes from not liking the situation to finding out whose fault it is in less than 2 seconds).

Can I absolutely know that its true that I shouldn’t get sick? That no one should ever, ever get sick?

Well….since sickness has existed for as long as humans have existed, as far as I now, then it can not be true that sickness SHOULDN’T exist. Because it does. 

But maybe I don’t know something about all this. Maybe my version of health or sickness is not quite….accurate, shall we say?

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, that my family shouldn’t, or that anyone I know shouldn’t?

When they get sick….I’m against it. 

I’m sad, discouraged, angry, depressed, frightened. I think about the plague.

But who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t get sick? 

When our YOI group got to answering this question together on the phone, they almost didn’t know how to even imagine what they’d be like, without the thought that this body appeared to be a problem.

Yet if you take only a moment, without the thought that there is a problem….

….isn’t it lighter? Even quite astonishing?

The fear dissolves, the focus on this body softens. The sense of it being a part of a greater force of life, nature, or Whatever, is clear. 

“The mind is only at war with itself. It’s as though on one side you have the terrified mind, the child, the I-know mind. “I’m so frightened, I’m so frightened! I have cancer, it’s so terrible, I know, I know, I know. I’m sick, I’m going to die.” And then over here, on the other side, we have the mind that is still and quiet and wise. This mind does not move. It rests in its own wisdom. When you put the questions in between them, it’s like a bridge for this one to travel over.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around to the opposite “I should get sick”.

This doesn’t mean I should believe that getting sick is the best and most wonderful thing that ever happened….but perhaps I am mistaken about its horrors. 

For myself, I notice that in these past few days, examples of it being true that I should get sick (besides the obvious example that I WAS sick) was that I noticed how OK everything was anyway. 

Our family kept talking about what we might have eaten, or how the illness traveled invisibly, or what was in our throw up, or how fascinating that the body does this weird thing. 

Everyone was taking care of one another, everyone changed gears and stayed home. 

I cancelled appointments and rescheduled them. I slept. I thought about the body and it’s vulnerability and felt a release, an acceptance, a surrender. No way out.

I may discover more. But I feel sort of….excited. Like it’s no big deal. 

There is a mind here, present at all times, resting in its own wisdom. I have it, you have it….we all do.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are.” Adyashanti

Who would you be without your story that your body is vulnerable, and this is a dangerous situation?

What if its not even YOUR body? 

Love, Grace