Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Bad Neighborhood Becomes Worth The Risk

I love that the very next day after Christmas, whether people were honoring it as a holy holiday or not, most of the participants in the current money class dialed in, same day, same time.

There is nothing like a joining with a group to take the plunge into personal inquiry.

It can seem counter-intuitive to say that gathering with others actually directs you towards your own unique, personal insight…

…you might think instead that a meditation retreat, very quiet uninterrupted time, silence, writing, journaling, thinking, getting away, being completely alone with no distractions…

…these are the elements you might believe would guide you most ultimately into personal awareness.

And yet what were the moments in my own life where I had the biggest lightbulbs turn on?

Telling the absolute truth, as best as I possibly could…and listening to others tell the truth to their greatest capacity…in an environment where EVERYONE could hear!

Being genuine, honest, open. Asking questions, telling what my opinion really is, expressing what’s real.

Today I received the sweetest email.

A man who has his own business said that when he has gathered together with others to share their fears….

….even if reality does not change at all the fears are diminished.

Like going into a dark room, or a bad neighborhood (as Annie Lamott the wonderful author jokes about her own mind), bringing at least one other person along changes the feeling you have about the darkness.

It is still dark, it may still be considered to be a less-than-safe neighborhood…

…but you are excited, curious, loving, trusting, and you may see a light on in the distance and have fun holding the hand of the person you’re with.

If you’re considering a journey together with a group for an whole year, a new group of inquirers will start together on Fridays, January 10th. We meet by skype or phone at 9:00 am for 90 minutes 3 Fridays per month, and there is no requirement to come to Seattle for the two optional retreats (although you’ll love it if you do)!

Join us!

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead

With love,

Grace

P.S. Free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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Gentle Gentle The Way Of It

I have received really, really good feedback and suggestions for change for the recovery guide for ending a war with eating that I sent out a few days ago.

Here is an entirely new version.

More tips for what you can do NOW. Less memoir. And all the beautiful quotes I meant to include the first time.

Here’s the funny thing that happened in my mind:

I was reading incoming messages, some people who I asked to read with a critical eye….

….and as I opened up the original document and began to read it again….

…..it looked terrible. 

Who wrote this story going on and on with no real help? This is garbage! A waste of time! You call this a guide? I can’t believe I sent this out! 

That little worried wart voice.

And then, an inner smile…it is sooo different the way I would have once believed that chattering voice from the calm that now winks at me a second later.

It’s like I can simply hear another channel, almost immediately (at least in this situation) that is playing a tune of no concern, of peace.

“When you know how to question your thoughts, there’s no resistance. You look forward to your worst nightmare, because it turns out to be nothing but an illusion, and the four questions of The Work provide you with the technology to go inside and realize that. You don’t have to grope in the dark to find your way to freedom. You can just sit down and give it to yourself, anytime you want.” ~ Byron Katie 

Even if your worst nightmare today is that you said or wrote something off, or someone didn’t get you, or you were misunderstood, or people were critical of you….

….can you really know that it’s true that you’ve done something wrong, or stupid, or cheesy, or ridiculous, or tacky, or scary?

Can you know it’s true that what you did matters, in a bad way?

No.

How do you react when you want to take it back, when you want a do-over?

I always found my stomach felt queasy, I felt exposed, frightened. I expected mean words coming in my direction. I expected people to shun me, avoid me, not want contact.

And who would I be without believing those thoughts?

What if you did something right? What if this was fantastic? Just part of the journey that caused things to go….to the right, instead of the left.

“The real plan is always the way of it, eliminating the need for any plan I might have.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I celebrate this moment exactly where it is, without needing to do anything, without anything needing to change.

I wrote and added and deleted yesterday, I felt creative and rushed and fascinated….

….and everything is “in progress”.

Everything.

“The Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing thus has nothing to lose.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64

Peace be with you today. You are awesome!

Even those goofy thoughts that run through your mind.

With love,

Grace

P.S. Again, the revamped free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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Daring To Question The Great and Powerful Oz

It was a hushed, late night, pitch dark outside. The house was very quiet except for my clicking fingers on my keyboard, and the glowing light of the laptop screen.
I was writing my heart out in email.
I was sharing with a friend my response to her challenge the day before, also written in email, that I was doing something she felt uncomfortable with in my wedding preparations.
She told me she didn’t feel the celebration contained the formalities she thought important. She thought we shouldn’t call it a wedding if we weren’t going to actually get a license.
The night was quiet. It was very late, after midnight. Very unusual for me. I couldn’t sleep because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her email I had received, that I was now replying to.
My inner immediate reaction (not the email I wrote in reply) to her email was, on first read, something like this:
“She doesn’t know me at all! She doesn’t understand me! I thought she was less conservative than this! She wouldn’t bring this up if I were gay…what a hypocrit! She’s not the person I thought she was! She’s such a snob! Forget her–she can GO TO HELL!”
 
Yes, it was that mature.
My stomach tightened, my heart sped up just a little, a shot of adrenaline zinged through my arms as I grasped what she was saying and read her words that she did not agree with what I was planning for the ceremony.
She thinks I’m not being HONEST? How DARE…….
 
……Ooops. 
 
I have an automatic timer that goes off when I begin to say the word “how dare you/she/he/they/this….”
Because I know I’m being totally, completely, utterly defensive.
How dare they? Like they should be afraid? To dare question the Great and Powerful Oz Grace Bell?
As I couldn’t sleep, I knew it was time to inquire.
Stressful thoughts were multiplying. I was beginning to question the entire friendship.
Is it true that she doesn’t know me? That she should know better? That she’s too conservative? That she’s not the person I thought she was (in other words—WORSE than I thought she was)?
Is it true that she should go to hell?
Argggh! But! This is wrong! She shouldn’t be so contrary! What does it matter to her how the ceremony goes, how it’s recorded or planned, what traditions are included, whether it’s an official license or not (my husband and I weren’t sure what we even wanted at that point)?
She’s in my business!
Gulp.
Is it absolutely true? Is she not allowed to speak up? Is it true that if she says what she thinks, she’s a snob?

 

No. Deep breath.

I am in favor of people telling the truth. Whether it hurts or not. I love the truth. I adore real, passionate, heartfelt words.
Communication at the core, authentic, most truthful level is my FAVORITE THING. Um…usually.
And even when it’s not, my closest friends are people I connect with and talk with with complete openness, even if we’re afraid.
How do I react when I believe someone is speaking against me, challenging my core beliefs, threatening me in some important way?
I want to write them off, get away from them, cut them out of my life, ignore them, act nice but back out of the room slowly.
Or I might wish they die in a plane crash, off the top of my head. I mean, I want them DESTROYED.
I feel really afraid, even if my reaction appears angry on the inside. I know that what I am…..
…..is terrified.
But who would I be without the thought that she was frightening? That she was wrong, critical, too conservative, and a snob?
I would realize that she brings up excellent agonizing questions, that the whole nation is actually debating. Whether to get a marriage license or not, to declare assets together as a business/economic entity or NOT.
(And I love equal rights for everyone).
In my heart I was getting married with a deep emotional and inner value of commitment. But I KNOW emotional commitments are enormously likely to change over time.
They are more likely to change that to remain stable.
And my past experience is that when the relationship grew more distant (in my previous marriage) that the economic end of the marriage was eventually dissolved.
It’s called divorce.
So for me, there was NOTHING stable about committing to marriage on paper, with the county, the state, the nation, one other human.
My friend expressed my deepest angst and anxiety about what was true for me. I did not know. In fact, I had no idea if this whole marriage/commitment thing was good for much of anyone.
My inquiry was ultimately with the government, laws, marriage, and what I had learned socially. I was mad at my society and my conditioning. And mad at her for learning the same conditioning.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t speak her mind? That she isn’t expressing something important, meaningful, and loving?
I would read and re-read her email, and see that she didn’t call me names, she didn’t berate me, she was loving, kind, direct and caring.
Without the thought that this was wrong….
….I relaxed so deeply, knowing that there is no absolute answer. I have no idea what the future will be. There is no future.
And after a wonderful discussion with my soon-to-be partner that day after I received the email, I searched online for marriage licenses “just to find out what’s involved these days” with this thing I am not even sure I agree with.
Oh. The offices to get licenses just happened to be about 2 miles away from our home. And this one night of the week, only on Tuesdays (it was Tuesday) it was open later into the evening. It was open right then, for another hour.
So my partner and I said to each other “Let’s go over there and get a license. What the heck?”
So we did.
Turning my thoughts around, I saw that I was the snob, I was the conservative one, she was freer and more liberal in that she could express herself to me.
And what did it matter if she were not the person I thought she was? I wasn’t thinking well of her in that moment….so….good. I was not the kind, generous person I thought I was.
Thank you everyone who has “dared” to tell me honestly what they think. Even if it sounds mean. Even if I don’t like it, or feel quite desperately frightening by it.
That dark night, after inquiry, after my stimulating discussion with my now-husband, I wrote an email full of honest love and gratitude to my friend.
And then pushed SEND.
“When I don’t look for approval outside me, I remain as approval. And through inquiry I have come to see that I want you to approve of what you approve of, because I love you. What you approve of is what I want. That’s love—it wouldn’t change anything. It already has everything it wants. It already IS everything it wants, just the way it wants it.” ~ Byron Katie
With love,
Grace
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The That Was Soooo Hard Story

If you missed the link with my eGuide on my own personal recovery from eating issues and how you can begin to understand your own, to download it (for free) then click HERE.

If you click the link, your email will be added to a separate list for people interested in eating/food recovery, including the program starting in January. (You can unsubscribe any time from that list).

*****

Yesterday, on the longest night of the year where I live…I suddenly knew I was just a little bit better physically, in this journey with the body.

My upper thigh looked less swollen at the site of the injury, the searing pain in my pelvic bone, the pins and needles throbbing in my foot and the chalky sticky aching feeling in my ankle, the throbbing in my calf…….were all quieter than previous days.

I was suddenly so happy. Relieved.

It’s as if there is this part of the mind that is filled with doubt, dread, fear and visions of darkness. I had those parts visiting at various times, hanging in the air of my room as I stared sometimes at the ceiling.

That part is frightened. I said to myself “I’m going to be here again, in the future….who knows when, but I will be here, unable to move from the bed, on my journey to death”.

I wondered what age I would be when it happened again. I wondered what life will be like from now until then…will I be more careful? Will I be afraid to climb mountains, do gymnastics, jump?

I look back at my extreme nausea, only about six days ago, and I could have the thought about it “that was SOOOOO HORRIBLE!”

The vomiting on top of the need to lie immobile, what an ordeal!!

But even as I thought it, another part of myself is asking “is that true?”

Is it true that it was sooooooo horrible in that exact moment? Did I really barely make it through this whole experience? Was it truly a horrendous, rough ride?

These can be stressful thoughts.

Even if in the moment I think them, I may also feel relieved, and glad to be on this side of the experience.

Yet my thoughts about that other side of the experience, that terrible side before the healing could begin, can actually start to multiply if I give them weight, if I believe them.

  • that was horrendous, I never want to go through that again
  • I couldn’t add one more thing, if any other symptoms appear, I can’t take it anymore
  • if I got breast cancer right now, I would hate the world and reality
  • this experience proves that the world is a dangerous place

I will never forget when one time, I was describing a very difficult break up with a very close friend to a wise mentor I trust, who knows me well, and I said “that was so hard, I can’t believe it happened”and shook my head in sadness.

And this wise old mentor replied “It actually wasn’t that hard for you, from the way I see it. It was emotional, and full of feelings, and those feelings rose and fell in waves…..but not much else changed in your life. You’ve done really well with this, you’ve come through it learning more deeply about human nature, and yourself.”

What????

Oh! WOW!

Could it be that it is NOT absolutely true that something I’ve been through in the past was horrendous, dreadful, hard to believe, shocking, incredible or that I barely made it?

Yes, what I have been going through is not unusual. It is not hard to believe. It is normal. It is a part of being alive. And its over. It’s only a memory, already. It’s a partially seen story.

It’s not that shocking to endure an injury. Or betrayal. Or sadness, fear, angst, terror, or deep grief.

Who am I when I believe the thought that experiencing what I call difficulties is tragic, frustrating or hard?

I’m scared of the future, I replay the past. I become less aware of the present. I feel upset about “life”. I get confused about not understanding it. I make plans to figure out how to solve the “problem” I’ve had or never have it happen again.

I begin to feel like the darkness will last forever and that I can’t stand it anymore.

But who would I be without the thought that hard times “prove” that life is sad, tough, or surprising? That darkness stays dark?

I’d notice that things fade away and then return, and all is a huge mystery. There is light, then dark, then light again. And I do not know what anything actually truly means.

My leg breaks, then it mends. And I didn’t have to do anything. I was just following along for the ride. Something flowed, in the story, and it kept flowing.

“The ego lives by comparisons.” ~ The Course in Miracles

Without the thought that challenges are….well….challenges….jeez, my story ends. I feel gratitude, peace, emptiness.

There’s really nothing to do.

“Any feeling is just a feeling arising in you, in awareness. For example ‘I’m not spiritually connected’ or ‘I’m unawakened’…all that is a story. See it for the story it is, and then turn around and recognize that which is seeing the story. Then it’s all over.” ~ Stephen Bodian

I turn my frightened thinking around and find…perhaps my thoughts have hurt me more than my body has hurt me. Whatever this “me” is that I’m referring to. Which seems to be other, or greater than, my thoughts or my body. Ha!

  • that was amazing, I am willing to go through that again
  • I could add any thing, if any other symptoms appear, I can take it (and I can release it)
  • if I got breast cancer right now, I would love the world and reality (astonishing, but true–I see so much I love in the world)
  • this experience proves that the world is a safe place (astonishing again! and out of the pain came ease and sweetness)
Do I want to tell the story of the pain and how hard, with dread, complaint, unhappiness?
Or do I want to tell the story of joy, healing, peace and discovery that I am not only this body, or this mind…
….and that maybe, this is easy?
The second story seems truer.
“Most people think that they are what their thoughts tell them they are. One day I noticed that I wasn’t breathing–I was being breathed. Then I also noticed, to my amazement, that I wasn’t thinking–that I was actually being thought and that thinking isn’t personal.” ~ Byron Katie

With love,

Grace

P.S. If you want to get the free guidebook to peaceful eating, click HERE.

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Food Nightmares? Free Guide To Peaceful Eating

As you probably know, one of my most difficult relationships was with food, eating and body image in my teen years and all of my 20s and into my 30s.

Really….it was my relationship with my own mind that was rough. I was brutal!

I thought being mean would incite change.

I didn’t realize that love and compassion for myself, without attempting to change, would bring so much MORE change than anything I had tried.

If you are someone who would like to be on a separate email list for announcements and programs for people wanting to investigate their relationship with food….

…then I have a gift for you.

Click on this link HERE, and you can download a free E-Guide I’ve written to help people get started with using self-inquiry and internal questioning to understand and heal their painful behaviors with food.

When you get the guide, you’ll be added to the email list for Peaceful Eating that’s separate from daily Grace Notes.

You may have had bulimic episodes, or been anorexic, or you may have had great tension and sadness, weight gain and loss, and anger with the state of your relationship with food.

Anyone on this list will receive occasional updates on upcoming new programs or opportunities.

There are two teleclasses in January—one a new one for investigating bulimia and the binge/purge cycle using self-inquiry—one for examining the relationship to food…and also the first weekend in April 2014 in Seattle the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend!

If this is not an area of tension for you, then please forward this to anyone you think might benefit.

“When you’re operating on uninvestigated theories of what’s going on and you aren’t even aware of it, you’re in what I call “the dream.” Often the dream becomes troubling; sometimes it even turns into a nightmare. At times like these, you may want to test the truth of your theories by doing The Work on them. The Work always leaves you with less of your uncomfortable story. Who would you be without it? How much of your world is made up of unexamined stories? You’ll never know until you inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you or anyone you know is interested in dissolving your nightmare with food, eating, weight and you want to receive updates on this topic, click HERE.

Much love, Grace

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The Hook Before The Fall

Quick announcement: If you are interested, or know someone who would be, in working with me in a small group to investigate bulimia or painful binge-purge eating, then I am offering a program for the first time for those with this type of disordered eating.

We’ll meet on Wednesdays, January 8th from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time and meet for 8 weeks. Send me a quick reply to this email and I’ll give you all the details. You can see for yourself if its right for you to participate.

*****

In so many ways, any one addiction is like every other addiction. People have their favorites, their specialties, the ones that “work” for them or that they are drawn to or trapped in.

But you don’t really call it an addiction until you see it does NOT actually work, it’s harmful, it’s a mixed love/hate kind of experience.

For me, I either ate food, smoked tobacco, or drank alcohol…or worried, obsessed, grew more and more fearful.

I remember the feeling right in the moment of moving towards the activity, even though I swore I wouldn’t do it again.

These were my thoughts:

  • I don’t care, I need this
  • I’d feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) without this “x”
  • there is no love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now
  • it doesn’t matter what happens later
  • I’ll stop doing this tomorrow
  • I hate this feeling
  • I must satisfy this craving

It appears that there is a moment of discomfort, whether extreme or mild, or a painful idea or memory. Then comes anxiety, loneliness, pressure, wanting to relax, anger, mystery, emptiness, self-criticism, fear, craving, self-doubt, worry, sadness….

….and then these thoughts to ease that feeling, change the feeling, ASAP.

I know it all seems to happen very, very fast. Almost unconsciously. It begins to happen in the snap of a finger.

So let’s question the thoughts.

Is it true that you need to do this? Is it true that this feeling won’t end unless you do your activity (drink, smoke, eat, internet, phone, emails, shop, spend, TV, contact “x”)?

Is it true that you should control this feeling, this craving, or that it is too big for you right now?

Yes, it certainly felt that way. Overwhelming feelings, a pull like a gravitational force, like a wave that has to crash on the sand.

Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need to do this? That this moment and the feelings in it are too big right now?

No. Something feels right also about NOT engaging in this behavior. I know other people who don’t do it, and they’re fine.

Are you sure you’re powerless? Are you sure you’re not safe? Are you sure you’re not loved? Are you sure you can’t rest?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought that you need to do this thing that also hurts you? What happens?

I scream at myself in my own head. I feel scared, nervous, unhappy, alone. Against some parts of my life. I feel like giving up. I think it doesn’t matter anyway.

I call myself a loser.

But who would you be without the thought that this feeling is terrible? That you can’t handle this moment? That this is too uncomfortable? That you’re completely powerless (in a bad way)? That you need to go do that thing, get that food, drink that alcohol, smoke that cigarette, surf the internet?

Who would you be without the thought that there is no love, safety, rest, power, comfort and connection for you right here, right now?

Pause to see.

Without the thought “I need to do this”?

I might stop. I might cry. I might call someone for true, honest, intimate connection. I might lie down, rest, listen. I might punch a pillow and yell, or go on a walk. I might be silent.

I turn the beliefs around.

  • I do care, I don’t need to do this
  • I will feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) with this “x”
  • there is love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now…how could I access it or receive it?
  • it does matter what happens later
  • I will stop doing this now (or, I will not stop doing this tomorrow)
  • I love/accept this feeling, I can stay with it, open to it
  • I must not satisfy this craving, this craving will end without me
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past…You are not fully here.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.

Just hit reply if you’re interested in the 8 week teleclass to take a deep dive into the greater extremes of painful eating, binge-purge cycles, bulimia or over-exercising.

And whatever your go-to relief is that doesn’t provide deep rest…question your thoughts about what isn’t possible for you.

If I could have the addictive cycle fall away, without violence against myself, or rules, or discipline…..so can you, so can you.

Much love, Grace

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Outside The Worriers’ Guild

The big news of the day yesterday: I turned over on my stomach and got to take the leg brace off while lying very still.

The room was quiet, the lights bright, no one was home for a few hours.

After slowly maneuvering my torso to carefully turn over, never engaging the hamstring muscles on the right leg….letting it stay relaxed and dangling…

…I found myself staring into the corner space just past my mattress in my bedroom.

Nice view, now what.

Then I stared for thirty minutes at the stack of books, the far corner behind the dresser, the wire leading to the cell phone on the floor.

My worried smaller mind started in, as if taking some invisible bait.

  • this is pure torture, who am I kidding?
  • I am trapped
  • this is depressing, boring, pointless, sad, awful
  • this is what life will eventually come down to, I’m getting a little preview
  • my time here is limited
Ai me! Life is so temporary! All so brief!

 

But oh the little thoughts fly around like gnats, don’t they? And they come in as fast as fruit flies.

 

Just when you think they are gone…turns out…its another moment. And they are multiplying again with gusto.

Good news. They can dissolve as fast as they multiply. Really.

Is this a real story? Is this a true story? 

Yes it’s true! I know this life is only for a while, even a short time in some cases! And unpredictable!

The reaction is the key. The reaction is pain and suffering, blooming and multiplying.

How do I react when I believe I am trapped, it all ends, my time here is limited, and this is depressing, boring, pointless or sad or terrible?

Physically weak, fearful, unhappy that I don’t know more, that I don’t understand. I want to understand All This, I think that then I will be more accepting, I will get it, I will grasp.

When I believe the thought that I am trapped here in this injured body, that can barely turn over today, I am frustrated, desperate…even if only for a moment.

Wringing my hands. Beating my chest. Worrying.

Feeling sorry for myself.

But who would I be without this story, these beliefs that I am trapped, stuck, bored, that my life is so temporary, that this moment RIGHT HERE is not a good one?

Without the thought that this, now, is bad?

Wow. It is so spacious. Something ungrips, uncurls. Waits.

Something is here, unknown, unplanned, far far far beyond whatever this person is who is lying in bed today. I remember other people, in other houses, other countries, words, poetry, sounds, music….life going on, life playing on.

I turn the thoughts around, the whole story right around upside down:

  • this is pure bliss, who am I kidding? (Me!)
  • I am liberated
  • this is expanding, exciting, meaningful, happy, wonderful
  • this is what life will eventually come down to, I’m getting a little preview (fabulous!)
  • my time here is unlimited
Could this be as true or truer? Could I actually feel happiness, peace and bliss here, right now, in this moment?
Why not?
Deep breath, time to turn back over. And then, time apparently to take a sip of water, and after awhile more, time for a friend to knock on the door and bring delicious food to eat.

I do not need to know what is going on next, or next, or next.

The Worriers’ Guild 
Today there is a meeting of the
Worriers’ Guild,
and I’ll be there.
The problems of Earth are
        to be discussed
        at length
        end to end
        for five days
        end to end
        with 1100 countries represented
        all with an equal voice
        some wearing turbans and smocks
        and all the men will speak
        and the women
        with or without notes
        in 38 languages
        and nine different species of logic.
Outside in the autumn
        the squirrels will be 
        chattering and scampering
        directionless throughout the town 
        because
they aren’t organized yet.~ by Philip F. Deaver

Who would I be without my story?

Perhaps finding gentleness, kindness, darkness, space, light, disorganization, no plans, and no direction. And it is OK.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Partial, Crooked, Empty, Dying

One of the wonderful YOI (Year of Inquiry) groups met yesterday and our topic this month is on the body.

Perfect for me, right?

With a torn hamstring, last week’s surgical repair, constipation and nausea from pain medications, my hair feeling flat as a mat and itchy from not taking a shower or bath for 8 days, I would say this body is not in the most tippy top shape you’ve ever seen it.

I object! I have some complaints!

There is nothing like a sincere, thoughtful group to stay patiently with the questions of inquiry known as The Work. I LOVED that we all gathered together to examine the body.

  • this body can’t be counted on
  • I am too _____ (fat, thin, old, young, soft, round, short, tall.)
  • things would be better if my body were healthy, fit, attractive
  • I hate that this body is temporary, declining, will one day die
  • there is something wrong with my body, with me
  • I am this body, this is ME, this is my identity

These are deep, gripping beliefs. At least I’ve found them to be.

After our wonderful group today, I kept considering the turnarounds and the beauty of the work, and more underlying beliefs.

As I lay here flat on my back, not able to even move more than a few inches to the left or right (by the way, check out the end of this email of me and my grabbers) I remembered two of my most haunting images.

One is being buried alive in a coffin about 20 feet below the ground. Ewww. I hate even thinking about it. What a horrible nightmare!

The other is born out of a National Geographic cover last year of free-climbers at Yosemite. I am falling, imagining the fall, seeing the rock cliff wall speed by, heading towards earth like a speeding bullet.

(Sorry to give you this stressful image!)

But what I realized before, and again today, is that these are simply pictures, movies playing in the mind. They are not real.

Isn’t that amazing?

All these terrible things that can happen to the body: accidents, injuries, damaging things, illness, disease, death, change, aging, destruction…

….is it true that it is all terrible? That it is all YOU?

Yes! Everyone knows it’s true! People have a rough time after accidents! I think I’m one of them, right now!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true? Really 100% can you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all those images and destructive changing morphing things that happen are terrible?

Are you sure that body is YOURS, that it is YOU?

Are you sure you are having a terrible, awful, devastating time?

No. I just ate peanut butter and apples and they were delicious. I’m writing this Grace Note.

Come to think of it, I’m lying in a gorgeous, comfy bed.

In the very moment the other day that I was throwing up, or in the moment that my stomach ached from constipation, I was not actually thinking “this is me” or “this is devastating”.

I was just being that…if that makes any sense. I was following the simple directions. I couldn’t help but follow them.

I notice it is usually AFTER something is over that I get worked up about how terrible it all was, how horrible, and how I almost didn’t make it.

Except I did.

How do I react when I am believing that this body here is my identity, that it is who I am in total, that it is sad that all this is temporary, or that there is something wrong with this body?

I am scared. Horrified. I see images of terrible things happening over and over. My body reacts with adrenaline. I believe the world is a dangerous place, where bad emergencies could happen at any moment.

So who would I be without the thought that this is true? Who would I be without the thought that having this body is a rough deal, that being in a body is dangerous?

Turning my thoughts about this body around, I find the following are truer:

  • this body can’t be counted on to stay perfect, and it CAN be counted on to do what it does, halleluia!
  • I am just right the way I am
  • things would be NOT be better if my body were healthy, fit, attractive
  • I love that this body is temporary, declining, will one day die
  • there is something right with my body, with me
  • I am NOT this body, it is not me, it is not my identity

Who would I be without the thought that aging, deterioration, accidents, injuries, sickness, or death were frightening? Or that they were ME?

Laughing.

Not feeling threatened. Noticing there is no need to be careful, nothing to worry about, a great unknown ahead.

A great unknown right NOW.

“Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back. What you are stands content, invisible, and everlasting. All means have been provided for our endless folly to split open into eternal delight.” ~ Adyashanti

(I note the words “split open” and how they do sound just a wee bit scary).

But chuckling here with the mind and it’s nervous interest in bad things, I notice also how I have watched two white lilies in a vase go from tightly closed bud to wide open flower as I’ve been lying here in my bed all these days.

I think they have definitely been split open into eternal delight.

And then they’ll decay and someone will throw them in the compost container.

“If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up.” ~ Tao Te Ching #22

2013-12-17 10.06.07

This is me, Grace, using Grabbers to fetch my ice pack which I call Little Baby Creature From The Black Lagoon. And practicing crookedness.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th. Click below to read more!

 

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The Scale And Your Worth

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway right now. One dear participant mentioned something to me that I have heard many times before.

I sometimes suggest that people give up their bathroom scales….you know, the ones that calculate body weight. She said, “I could never give up my scale, I have to weigh myself twice a day.”

Measuring things can be incredibly powerful. Documenting, looking, examining, surveying, gathering data. These are invaluable for studying information, analyzing. Especially when you are totally uncertain about how something works.

It’s so amazing to have ways to track something over time that may not be entirely conscious. Like lets say a scientist is studying a brand new species of insect. She could open her computer and write down every hour what is happening, as she watches through a camera the insect’s behaviors in its habitat.

But if the scientist has gathered information for a year, and has tracked the whole lifecycle of the insects several times….but then can’t stop documenting that insect’s behavior…it could be a little weird, right?

The problem with the scale situation is of course not the scale, but the lack of deep inner trust around eating and weight. The belief for me was “I do not understand my weight fluctuation, therefore, I must measure it constantly….otherwise, I might grow heavier and not even realize it!!!”

I used to feel extremely anxious if I didn’t have access to a scale. And then, I felt extremely anxious if I DID have access to a scale.

The thought I had way back when I had a scale was that if I saw the number was too high, it would alarm me and push me towards weight-loss strategies. If I saw the number was low, then I could feel happy and proud for being a “good” weight.

I believed I needed a measuring device, that I couldn’t feel deeply what was right for me on the inside.

Last week when I was at the hospital in the surgery pavilion, before I was sent to change my clothes into the hospital gown and before the kind nurse put in the IV into the back of my hand, they had me go to the scale.

I watched the electronic bright red numbers speeding by and balancing out to the exact ounce. I remembered the way I used to feel in this waiting half-second “Oh I hope it’s going to land on a good weight and give me good news!”

It was about the exact same number I’ve been mostly for my adult life, but for a flash I thought “isn’t that amazing”.

Still the same. Without trying for it, wanting it, setting it as a goal, or caring about it. Amazing, because I once thought I needed to run this whole food, eating, weight situation!

I remembered when I used to want the scale to say that number, when I had an eating disorder and my weight fluctuated up and down a bit.

I used to strive for that number, wish for that number. Just tell me what to eat so I can always have that number.

Then I threw away my scale, because I used it too often and for the wrong reasons: to feel good or feel bad. I let the scale tell me what kind of person I was. I didn’t want that from a piece of metal that measured weight. I wanted to be good no matter what.

Is it true that the amount you weigh means you are good, or bad? Worthy or unworthy? Lovable or Not Lovable? Attractive or Unattractive?

Long ago, I found the answer was “NO”. Even though I had been acting like it was “YES”.

Who was I when I believed that my weight had something to do with my character, my lovableness, my worthiness, my power, my strength, my attractiveness?

Horribly obsessed with weight. Angry. Hungry. Overeating. Undereating. Calculating, planning and trying to control food.

Jumping on the scale every day, and at the gym, and in other places where scales were sitting around.

Who was I without the thoughts that without a scale, I can’t be trusted, that my weight MEANS good/bad, lovable/repulsive, worthy/unattractive?

Open to another way. Open to not knowing. Relaxing, resting at a most deep level, slowing down. Not planning.

Taking a deep breath. Eating and noticing the flavors, the beauty, the texture.

Practicing feeling Joy, Quiet and Peace in the presence of food, or mirrors, or scales.

Living the turnaround. Turning towards the light, the inner light.  

“Enlightenment is to be totally Un-Self-Concious, Un-Ego-Conscious. It’s to be free of self-reflection. Isn’t it the biggest bain on humanity to be always reflecting on oneself? ‘How am I doing, I like it, I hate it, this is hard, my life’s difficult’. Constant reflection…..I’ve never met anybody who was addicted to anything who was ever able to get beyond it until they really saw and came to grips with ‘this is not working’.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th.

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Feeling Pain, Having Courage

Recovering from a major physical illness, injury, or condition can sometimes be pretty frightening, or frustrating—if you start believing some of the troubling thoughts you might be thinking.

I’m lying in my bed, that I’ve hardly left for more than five minute intervals to go to the bathroom, for six days now.

I didn’t really know about how some of this process would unfold until actually experiencing it: burning sensations, aching and throbbing, pins and needles, nausea, vomiting, stomach ache, muscle cramps, numbness.

Can’t I just skip over some of this part?

An incredible moment here for The Work, on pain, sickness, treatment.

  • this is taking too long
  • I hate nausea
  • I’m afraid of the pain
  • I just want this whole thing to be over with
  • this is sooo deeply discouraging, I can hardly stand it
  • I need to be strong (tough, relaxed, calm)

Fortunately I have also present this part of the Mind that can question my own thinking, this part that is here observing, even while the other part protests.

Is it true that this nausea and pain are awful?

Yes Yes Yes. I hate feeling sick all day, I hate throwing up, and the pain in my leg burns.

Can I absolutely know that its true that what is happening physically here is terrible?

Yes! Although I can feel that I might not know the absolute truth. It may be good that this is all happening, because that’s the way balance comes back into alignment.

I am not in charge of whatever this thing is that’s called sickness, treatment, or pain.

It feels overwhelming in some ways, but not 100%.

How do I react when I believe that I’m afraid of the treatment, the operation, the recovery, the diagnosis, the nausea, the pain, my future physical condition?

Yikes. I’m discouraged, upset. I see images of still being in bed many days from now. I see myself shriveling into a little ball, never coming back to normal life, dying. I get mad at my husband for going to the store for alternative medication too slowly.

Yes, it’s true. I called from the bedroom “you haven’t left yet?!!”

I get sudden urges for the nausea to stop that feel like an emergency. I need the anti-nausea tablet ASAP. I need to stay awake. I keep drifting off. I wonder how long it takes to develop bed sores.

But who would I be without the thought that this is truly terrible, or that I can’t handle it, or that it will never end?

Very softly, there is something that shifts attention to the present rather than the future, and expands. Dishes are being emptied, I hear clinks and jingles of silverware getting put into its drawer. Music is playing in another room. There is a sound of wind in the pine tree out front.

I feel the pressure and support underneath my back of the bed. My eyes scan the room and look again at yellow roses on the dresser.

A beautiful Norwegian calendar on the wall reads “DESEMBER” and I keep having a little joke with myself “dis-member”. I feel fondness towards the crutches leaning against the closet door, my little helpers.

“Now, sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it—the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches….. It’s a part–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….. That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that this is truly terrible, hell on earth, a disaster, uncomfortable…whatever the situation?

Yes, there is a witness. Seeing this situation with a big heart, encompassing it with compassion and Not Knowing.

I turn the thoughts around that feel so stressful:

  • this is taking just exactly the right amount of time
  • I love nausea
  • I’m not afraid of the pain
  • I do NOT want this whole thing to be over with
  • this is so deeply encouraging, I can definitely stand it
  • I need to be weak (tender, anxious, the way I am)

I consider these turnarounds. I love nausea? Really? That just can’t be true, no way.

But what if my stomach and body are giving me a very important message? What if this really is taking just the right amount of time for my own enlightening process?

What if there is something vital, deep and good about finding that place inside that isn’t upset? That can let go of wishing things to be other than they are? 

“My grandmother who passed away a few years ago used to say to me jokingly, “getting old is not for wimps.” She was well aware of the challenges of an aging body, and while she never complained or felt any pity for herself, she knew firsthand that aging had its challenges as well as its benefits. There was a courage within my grandmother that served her well as she approached the end of her life, and I am happy to say that when she passed, it was willingly and without fear. In a similar way the process of coming into a full and mature awakening requires courage.” ~ Adyashanti

Today, I am willing to feel this physical experience that doesn’t exactly seem pleasant. I am willing to trust the unknown, to trust the life force that is doing all this.

I am willing to let go of needing relief NOW. I look forward to directing my thoughts towards the place that isn’t upset, has no concern, the place of peace.

The place that doesn’t believe every thought the mind thinks.

Much love, Grace