Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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I Need To Lose It!

Yesterday morning the Horrible Food Wonderful Food telegroup met for the second time in our series of 8.

Even though I have taught that teleclass almost 20 times now, and of course people question this common stressful belief I’m about to tell you…I find it fascinating to explore.

I need to lose weight.

Now, before you think “that’s not me, I can’t relate to this stressful belief!” take a moment to think about ANYTHING you repeatedly tell yourself you need to “lose” or “get rid of”.

It’s a mega-list to that Voice that is hyper-critical.

  • I need to get rid of my household junk
  • I need to lose my low confidence
  • I need to clean out my closets
  • I need to get rid of my anxiety
  • I need to get rid of this friend/partner/boss/employee
  • I need to lose my anger
  • I need to lose my scarcity or my negative thinking

The burden of having these thoughts, and feeling like the item/energy/result is NOT going away, is very “weighty”.

And it seems like thinking these thoughts, and believing them whole-heartedly, does not make it happen.

So let’s look at something you think you need to lose, and see if it’s absolutely true.

Is it? Are you absolutely positive you need to lose weight? Or something else?

Wow, maybe you need to lose that sickness, or that injured hamstring (d-oh!), or this head cold, or that nasty neighbor.

It is soooo true! I need to lose it!

Life would be much better if I lost it!

OK, so you’re positive you need to lose weight, or that other thing or person.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Plans, plans, plans of attack for getting rid of this thing. I’ll put a lock on the refrigerator, I’ll go on a diet, I’ll feel depressed and sad, I’ll avoid contacting that person, I’ll quit my job, I’ll see if I can find someone who can help me get rid of it.

I’ll go to the ends of the earth trying.

When I believe the thought, I feel tense, afraid, very nervous, angry. I keep thinking about how I need to lose it. I think about it over and over. I make a new plan.

But what a wonderful question: who would you be without the thought that you need to lose this thing, lose this weight, this person, this injury, this hardship, this situation?

Wow.

Yesterday, people in the telegroup were imagining not having the thought that they need to lose weight for the first time since childhood.

They said “I would be free.” “I would have so much TIME!” “I would feel open, curious, lighter, exposed.” “I wouldn’t censor myself!” “I would be connected to my true nature.”

If I noticed I need to lose some clutter in my closet, but without a depressed or unhappy feeling…I would start to go through the stuff there, and put some of it in boxes for Goodwill.

If I noticed I need to lose some of my anger, or negative thinking, or someone I’m not enjoying or afraid of….I do The Work, I find out more deeply what bothers me about them or it, that I think I need to lose it.

What would I really have, if I lost it? Peace? Courage? Happiness?

Am I sure I couldn’t have that right now, even though this thing, this sickness, this person, this weight…is here?

Turning the thought around, we sat with the liberating idea: I don’t need to lose weight. MY THINKING needs to lose weight.

“It makes life extremely difficult when you call what you’re doing ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, or ‘unnecessary’–when you belittle it after it has been done. To compare what you’ve done to what you shoud have done, to think that you need to measure up to some external standard, is a difficult path. What is, is always the way it’s supposed to be right now…” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Death Seems Unfriendly

The other day I got an email from someone who recently had an enormous loss, the death of her beloved sister.

She had never heard of The Work and someone suggested she explore it.

We wrote back and forth, and she had wonderful questions and I could almost hear her mind cranking away at the ideas we discussed: the power to be able to ask if something really is true, especially when it seems like it IS absolutely true….the question of whether or not it is a friendly universe when it appears it is not.

Sometimes people have a puzzled response around questioning the mind….like…what are you talking about?!

It reminded me of how unusual it is, in many ways, for the mind to question itself. It feels like a thinking machine. It’s just busy, occupied with thoughts, which it mostly assumes to be true.

And out of these thoughts, feelings are born.

The space between thought and feeling is so so fast sometimes, almost impossible to catch. It seems like we just feel bad…and it’s either OBVIOUS why we feel bad, or MYSTERIOUS why we feel bad.

For this woman who was struggling, it felt obvious why she felt bad. The death of someone close.

That kind of loss when things appear to be entirely done, finished, over: death, or a major break-up, or a house burning down….these kinds of sudden losses can raise huge responses inside us.

Why even do The Work? 

The person is gone…me doing The Work won’t bring them back!

I remembered myself and how I’ve felt when I had that thought…how I still react sometimes with loss or change that appears sudden, quick and unexpected:

  • that person is gone
  • I will never get over this
  • life by myself, without that person, is horrible/sad/depressing
  • other people are happy, but not me
  • the universe is not friendly
  • God/Source/Reality has pulled the rug out from under me

Pulled The Rug Out.

What a great phrase to describe the shock. A person is standing on a carpet, and someone or something comes along, big and strong enough to grab the edge of the carpet and yank out that rug. Of course, the person standing on the rug topples over, they fall and land hard, they are confused, they are frightened, they feel hurt.

So let’s do The Work.

The rug has been pulled out, figuratively speaking….is it true?

Yes. I thought things were going differently, beautifully. I hate the way they went. I don’t like death and endings. The loss is tragic for me.

IT IS TRUE that my life will never be the same, and the universe is NOT friendly!!

You’re supposed to feel happy, like the universe is friendly, all the time…is THAT true? You’re supposed to feel different than you feel, really? 

Well…it seems like it would be better to NOT feel this way. But I’m not sure I’m supposed to feel differently than I feel.

The difficult part is when I believe that if things were different and this loss was not present, that would be much, much better….

….and then the jump to the conclusion, very speedy quick rapid, that un-doing the loss is the ONLY way I could feel better.

Since un-doing this loss is impossible…there is no way to feel better. Ever.

THAT is a huge, gigantic, deep, very painful trap.

Can I absolutely know I will never feel better, ever again?

Not at all. I’ve had death and loss and endings and it turns out….over time, it was better. It wasn’t up to me really.

Is it absolutely true that the rug was pulled out from under me? That the universe is not friendly? That the universe has mean, violent intentions?

No. I can’t absolutely know this. It seems true sometimes, especially about this whole Loss and Death stuff. But I’m not 100% sure. It seems sudden…but on the other hand, I’ve been aware that people die since I was a kid.

Death is not really NEW news.

How do you react when you believe this is too much for you to handle, and Reality is not kind?

Terrified, nervous, sleeping badly, comparing myself to other people who have it better than I do, angry, frustrated, mad. Staying home by myself. Wishing I could just die.

Not enjoying life, that’s for sure.

Deep breath.

So who would you be without the thought that the universe is mean, frightening, and unpredictable, and that you can’t handle this loss?

Without the thought that things will never be the same, that all is NOT well, or that the rug was pulled out from under you?

You may have to pause and think about it. What if you really didn’t believe this was 100% terrible, this situation you’ve experienced that hurts so very much, or that it is such a surprise?

What if there was some small part of you that could feel what it would be like, to not believe in a universe that plays mean tricks…like pulling the rug out from under you?

What if you are handling it? See if you are. “Are you breathing?” as Byron Katie says.

For me…I stop. I begin to wonder. I notice I AM breathing, my heart is beating and I am alive.

I didn’t actually DIE because of this event.

I look around the room I’m sitting in, and notice books, furniture, windows, ceiling…all intact. Everything quiet, waiting.

I notice a hum inside, some energy that is alive, here, in this body.

I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to try them on, in this world of duality and opposites:

I am OK, I am handling this, the universe is safe, reality is not mean, there may be other ways I could feel better than only the one way I think would offer relief.

There may even be advantages, or something inviting me to see, after this experience. Perhaps something is calling me forward, inviting me to recognize something truer than I previously thought, to become aware.

Could there be anything, anything at all (even very small) that might be NOT terrible about this situation?

You don’t HAVE to see it as positive, friendly, lovely, sweet, kind and loving right away, especially when it really seems like it’s not.

This is simply finding the turnaround, a different way, a different FEELING about this whole thing.

  • that person is here, in my heart, forever
  • I will always get over this, everyone does eventually
  • life by myself, without that person, is wonderful/happy/enlightening
  • other people are happy, and so am I
  • the universe is friendly
  • God/Source/Reality has caught me and held me and supported me the whole time

“The whole notice of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakening…The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go, self-image will go…death takes it all away, doesn’t it? And for the mind this is terrifying….But if you imagine; body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone, no past, no future, all falling away…what’s left? And what’s that LIKE? What’s the sense of that awareness? So death actually points towards awareness, towards consciousness. It takes everything away except what is essential. All form temporarily subsides. It reveals what you really, really, really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Is this really all terror and sadness, as I remember that person I love, who used to be here with me?

Or is this love, too?

Much love, Grace

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It’s Not As Bad As I Thought (How Embarrassing)

Yesterday I saw several medical people, including a surgeon, about this injury I’ve been mentioning.

But today I am not talking about the injury, it’s about another interesting thought that began to invade, while thinking about appointments, hospitals, procedures, xrays, having pins put into bones, and what was going to happen next.

(I’m not getting surgery quite yet, outcome still uncertain).

Last night as I went to bed, I had the thought “what if I don’t even have surgery, at all, for this injury?”

Then just on the heals of that thought, embarrassment.

Like, wait. Everyone thinks I was going to get surgery and that I’m in dire straits, and now….I might just have a chronic injury that’s not getting better, but there may be time to wait and try a experimental injection, and perhaps other alternatives.

Someone very dear had brought me a care package. Someone else was drumming for me. A local church had me on the prayer list. Many people were sending wonderful wishes on facebook.

But what is this uncomfortable feeling?

A little like when a woman says she is pregnant, and receives many well-wishes, and then has a miscarriage.

I’ve had friends before who have had this not uncommon experience.

Some women ride along with it, talk with others, hash out what they imagine will happen next, visit the doctor, try to get pregnant again.

But some women feel…..embarrassed. 

Like they shouldn’t have said anything yet. Like the well-wishes were unfounded, not necessary somehow.

NEXT TIME, they say, they won’t tell they’re pregnant until they are well into the fifth month, or whenever is “safe” to make the announcement.

The stressful feeling descends in….for me I felt undeserving, kind of guilty. I was mistaken. 

  • I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions based on one doctor’s advice
  • People are worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m too much of a nervous ninny
  • I’m receiving support that I don’t deserve
  • What a whiner, this pain isn’t THAT bad, I should have realized this
  • I overreacted
  • People are giving me attention I’m unworthy to receive
  • People should help someone else in greater need

Oh, the sinking yuck feeling. Shameful almost.

Let’s take a look at these beliefs and investigate.

Is it true, that I overreacted, I shouldn’t have spoken up, I did it wrong, that I’m not suffering enough to deserve all this attention, focus, support?

Yes! I got carried away in reading on the internet, taking the first doctor’s advice very seriously, jumping to conclusions before having all the information.

I’m not in as bad condition as I thought. That isn’t good. That is BAD. I’ve misled myself and everyone else! God, what a loser!

Deep breath. Really? Can I know absolutely that all this is true?

No. I didn’t know before. I had no idea there were so many differing opinions about my injury. I don’t know if I’ve done it wrong. It’s not true that I am unworthy, or that I’m undeserving. Maybe I’m a nervous ninny, that’s OK.

I never had this happen before–the pain kind of worries me.

But I should be ashamed of myself? No.

“Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me, that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection.” ~ Brene Brown 

How do I react when I believe the thought that I revealed myself, in that moment, with fear and trepidation, received mountains of incredible support, and now…things are looking a little different.

It’s my fault.

Like getting a diagnosis of cancer, and then finding out it was a false positive.

Why can’t you relax??

How do I react? Embarrassment, shame, confusion, worried about what people will think.

So who would I be without the thought that I should have kept my medical condition to myself for the time being, that I shouldn’t have complained about my pain in public?

I would actually laugh. I would feel the fun of watching thoughts come and go, like a roller coaster ride.

I would notice how human I am, and how I think I’m supposed to know everything before it even happens, and that I got really scared in the last couple of days about surgery and photos of that surgery.

I would see how when I feel pain physically, my mind jumps up and starts working on it ASAP to find relief, and a conclusion, and an answer. This is sort of natural. It’s part of biology.

I turn the thought around: it is a good thing that I responded the way I did? That I reached out for support?

Can I find that to be just as true?

  • I should have jumped to conclusions
  • People are NOT worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m a regular human nervous ninny sometimes
  • I’m receiving support that I do deserve
  • What an in-touch, aware person, this pain is important, I should have realized exactly what I realized in the last few days
  • I did not overreact
  • People are giving me attention I’m worthy to receive
  • People are already helping people in greater need (I’m not keeping them from that)

Can I feel what it’s like if I didn’t have the belief that I was mistaken and being mistaken is BAD? Something to be ashamed of myself about?

“Thoughts are like the wind or the leaves on the trees or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go. When they’re met with understanding, they’re friends. I love my stories……..

……I love how the mind changes. I watch it and am steadfast in that delight. I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance.” ~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names for Joy

You never know what is going to happen. Up, down, left, right, life, death, forward, backward, coming, going, injury, healing.

Whatever you thought or said yesterday is sweet, was right at that moment for you and for everyone.

And now is a different day, with new thoughts. A new sweet movement and flavor.

Much love, Grace

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The Stunning Truth About Being Alone

Sometimes, you have sudden, unexpected changes in your life.

One day it’s that way….and then something happens….and it’s another way. Never to return to the old way.

Recently, a lovely inquirer contacted me to do The Work on something that comes up regularly: her partner left. 

Another woman and I did The Work together on her cancer diagnosis. 

I can guarantee that for both these situations…there are thoughts of Before and After. 

Before….things were good. After….things not so good.

I’m in the newly updated football stadium of the local huge university. The Sports Medicine clinic takes up the entire underground level, new state-of-the art rooms and lots of wood and purple.

I check my cell phone. No internet down here. They should put that in. I could be getting something done. Instead of sitting here by myself.

The doctor comes in and pulls out a cool wall-mounted screen. He shows me the black and white image of my entire pelvis, which looks like a butterfly, or a weird beetle. 

He’s pointing to something white and saying “see, no hamstring here…it’s just Not There…I think you’ll pretty much HAVE to get surgery to be able to move about in the future.” 

It doesn’t really sink in until later, when I’m driving away. What exactly did he mean by SURGERY?

I google the internet. Oh. I google the words used in the report of this image. 

I’m not sure when it happens, but it’s like waking up slowly to what needs to happen here. Bunches of thoughts. 

I’ll be in one of those L-Shaped casts for my leg keeping it totally and completely braced and immobile….for several MONTHS. Can’t put weight on it for 3 months, will maybe go on a jog at 6 months. And I’m told I won’t be back to normal for a YEAR.

OK then!

The mind kicks in on all the things I might not get to do: the New Year’s Cleanse, dancing next weekend, sitting at the Thanksgiving table, DRIVING, getting on an airplane in January….going to the bathroom easily. 

A thought rises to the top, with the mind rushing. From smooth, deep pool…to Grand Canyon river rapids! 

HHHEEELLLLLPPPP!

I’ll be lying on the couch going CRAZY because I can’t go exercise! My muscles will atrophy! 

I’ll have to just…..just….SIT THERE.

Kind of odd, really. Because this is often the result after a big major life-changing event.

Your partner leaves, and you are sitting there. In a room by yourself. 

You find out you have cancer, and you are sitting there. You’re the only one who has it, in this particular way, right in this moment. You’re on your own.

You lose your job, and you are sitting at home. In a room by yourself.

You’re in a big accident, and you are lying in a hospital bed. By yourself.

I know there’s lots of people around, too, but I’m talking about awareness of the most difficult moment in the midst of all this. 

What is actually happening, in this terrible moment when I have lost something, lost someone, lost my life as I knew it?

Am I sure it’s terrible, that it WILL be terrible soon, that it will be terrible forever?

Since I cannot know the future, what I CAN look at, and answer…is my answer to this question: is this truly horrendous, disastrous, shattering, devastating, horrifying, tragic?

Right now. Well?

OK, well, now that you put it that way. Right NOW, I’m actually writing this note. I don’t feel much pain. I’m sitting up. 

I’m not sure how I will feel, later, after the operation, when I’m lying down and I’m not even ABLE to sit up.

It may seem a small point. But the anticipation of the terrible moment in the future is actually a little, well, a little crazy to go into. 

It’s like saying…OK, let’s get stressed out NOW because you’re going to get stressed out LATER.

I look around, at NOW. There’s a desk, this beautiful cream-colored couch, dark morning air outside, murmuring early-morning voices walking past, a bookshelf full of the best books on the planet, a happy kitchen.

Don’t I pay sometimes to go sit in total silence with a small group of people interested in being all alone, and quiet?

How do I react when I think that what is happening right now is worrisome, or that I have to prepare for the unpleasant thing about to happen in the future?

I get jittery in my chest. I have images flash before my eyes. I see myself wasting away into skin and bones…and turning into a skeleton…and dying.

Seriously, the mind is very dramatic. 

I felt this way when my former husband left, too. Like I was so vividly aware of a space of emptiness, I could stay lying on the bed forever and not talk with anyone for 3 days, and just read and space out and stare. 

But who would I be without the thought that I KNOW it’s gonna be rough later? 

Without the thought that later, it will not be possible to be happy?

Without the thought that this here, right now, sucks?

Wow…I catch this little glimpse of it being very interesting to be immobilized in a cast-brace-thing and not be able to move, like Houdini, for two weeks.

(Oh, Houdini escaped within 3 minutes? Don’t remind me!)

Ahem. Back to inquiry. Who would you be without the thought that the AFTER of this whole operation thing will be difficult? 

I see advantages. 

No packing up my gym gear for the gym. Not necessary to be in great physical condition to have a happy life. No driving a car, paying for gas, just not necessary to go ANYWHERE. 

In this moment, without the thought that THIS, Reality, is BAD….I actually kind of find this all funny. I’m sitting in a room all by myself. 

Holy Moly!

There are all kinds of things I can do, on that couch in the future, without the thought that being alone, lying there by myself, is a bad thing.

Concentrated time on my business re-tweaking my website. Finishing my little booklet on hitches that come up with The Work as you begin to do it. Completing that third draft of the parenting ebook that people are already downloading (it will be much better and more succinct). Writing that dang book proposal that keeps being on the to-do list endlessly and keeps getting bumped to the bottom. 

“You can just as easily identify with a problematic body and make the body’s imperfection, illness, or disability into your identity….Once the ego has found an identity, it does not want to let go…..[but] no matter what your body’s appearance is on the outer level, beyond the outer form it is an intensely alive energy field.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Even if I died during the operation (remember? Drama Queen mind?) I actually might find THAT quite interesting. 

“Any feeling of discomfort or stress is an alarm that lets you know you’re believing an untrue thought.” ~ Byron Katie

“Just take five seconds to be quiet……It will stun you, it will really shock you if you’ve never seen it before: how much untruth we take to be as true. THIS is being alone….it’s aloneness inside, alone even from our own concepts.” ~ Adyashanti

Do I want to feel that aloneness, without running from it? That freedom that is so incredible? That wild mystery? Alone, all by myself?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Love, Grace

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Don’t Try To Glitter Like A Jewel–Be Common

The other day a long-time reader of Grace Notes sent me an email. She said she did all the right things in life.

In her letter, she described what she meant by “right things”.

Each day, she meditates, writes out her prayers, cooks good healthy food and eats very well, exercises, reads spiritual work, listens to supportive audio like Byron Katie, and she stays sober.

She said “I’m a good girl!”

So how come things don’t always work out that well?

I have that good girl streak. The list is long about what “good” can be.

Yoga, raw food, being kind, donating money to charity, spending time with your kids, being helpful, giving your family money, doing volunteer work, cleaning, offering support to someone in need, being friendly, taking care of the elderly, cooking for your spouse…oh gosh.

It’s starting to sound a lot like Maria Syndrome!

As in Maria in the Sound of Music. Almost a nun, but instead, a fabulous dancer and musician to eight children who lost their mother.

I have come down with the Maria Syndrome ailment from time to time.

Usually when someone or something has threatened my personal Maria image.

For example…

Several years ago, a leader who was working on the same community project with me announced that it was time for “everything to come out in the open” at a big board meeting.

Everything? What’s “everything”? And why is she looking directly at me?

I was called forward, and then another woman was also called forward.

“You two need to get along!” the leader said.

“I need you to sit down, face each other, and Dee….you need to quit talking to others and tell Grace right to her face what you’re concerns are! We’re tired of hearing about it!”

Dee had things to tell me? Complaints that she was voicing to others, behind my back?

Gulp.

My face turned the deepest bright red, my heart started racing, and my armpits broke into a cold clammy sweat.

I was terrified.

It turned out that Dee thought I wasn’t doing my part, that I didn’t communicate effectively, that I ignored her, that I was not collaborating well, that I showed up late and was unreliable, and in fact she’d never had such a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway before.

Holy. Cow.

I felt myself going into shock. Then embarrassment. I was stunned.

I was fairly new to The Work at the time. But I found myself later writing out a most vicious response, on paper, once I gathered my wits about me.

She shouldn’t think that about me! She should think I’m awesome! That I’m good, reliable and kind! She shouldn’t think I’m ignoring her, or not collaborating well! She should know my intentions are pure, positive and good!

What was WRONG with her? Too sensitive! Too insecure, fussy, rigid, paranoid, confused!

She had me sized up WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

It was like Defenders of the Great Image of Grace Bell/Maria. How dare she see me other than “good”!?

Heh heh. Um. Yeah.

I discovered the power of the Maria Syndrome. Demanding that everyone see me as positively.

What a shocker that someone didn’t, with all the time, effort and energy I put into being such a freakin’ good citizen!

So, is it true that I am a good person….like Maria? Or that Dee should have seen me that way?

Yes! I KNOW I am a good, reliable, honest person! She should see this!

Are you sure? 

Deep breath. Answer from the deepest depths of your heart and mind.

No. I am not sure this is true. I have not been very excited AT ALL about this project. In fact, I was thinking it was a waste of time, ineffective, and wasn’t going to help the community.

I also had the feeling fairly often that Dee talked way too much. She chatted on about recipes or her neighbors and I considered it boring.

And I had never said one word.

Wow. She was right. I had not been honest. I had not been reliable, I had kept my thoughts to myself. I was very discouraged about this project, but I still showed up to the meetings. Late.

Who would I be without the thought that Dee should see me in the same light as Maria?

Without the thought that I was no longer a good person, or that because Dee thought I wasn’t a good person in that situation, it meant I wasn’t?

Who would I be right in that moment, when my face turned red, without the belief that I was in danger, that my image crumbling meant that I was hurt?

I might say, after taking it all in….

...”Dee, you are absolutely right. I don’t feel comfortable about this work we’re doing. I’m not happy at all working on this project. I don’t want to ever talk about recipes or the neighbors…I haven’t felt safe enough to be authentic. I apologize for making so many assumptions. I apologize for not ever speaking up.”

Yes, I wasn’t doing my part since I never TOLD THE TRUTH, yes I didn’t communicate effectively, yes I ignored her, yes I was not collaborating at ALL, yes I showed up late and was unreliable, and yes, I was responsible for a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway.

From that day forward, I was real. I showed up. It did not look all pretty and kind and sweet and adorable and dancing butterflies across the meadow.

I never pretend-talked about recipes again. I said I was sorry. I quit the project.

It was light years more efficient.

“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed…..The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.” ~ Tao Te Ching #39

Love, Grace

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The Gentle Overcomes The Rigid

This morning a lovely group of inquirers joined together on the phone to begin an 8 week investigation of our relationship with food, eating and our bodies.

Anyone who shows up to do The Work to look at painful beliefs about food and eating, has usually gone through one heck of a lot with dieting, weight, binge eating, starving.

Because there are a lot of tempting, enticing solutions to this problem with food and eating out there that seem a little easier, clearer, or simpler than questioning your beliefs about food.

There are diet books, diet groups, exercise training programs, meal plans, nutrition coaches. 

And many of them are scientifically sound, really balanced “eating” programs, and of course truly awesome people that help. They seem like doing them will offer THE ANSWER we’re looking for.

When I follow that program, or that diet, that activity…I will succeed. My food problem will be eliminated. Finally.

I remember long ago one day, driving my little Honda car given to me by my parents for college graduation (it took me an extra two years to graduate with my bachelors degree because of my violent relationship with food). 

I had done therapy both individually and with my family, I had gone to O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous), I had failed many diets….and I had learned a whole lot. My binge-eating was going down in frequency. Not gone, but I felt better.

I felt the intense craving to eat that afternoon.

I had just been offered a job, after having a very successful interview. But I wasn’t really that happy. I felt scared, like I would make a mistake, like I wasn’t really qualified, like I had tricked them.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted the job. It was a 45 minute commute to drive there. 

I felt fat that afternoon. And trapped. Life with a regular 9-5 job sounded horrible. 

Which is very discouraging. Dang. I thought I had the eating thing under control. I thought it was over. 

As I drove away from that job offer, on the long drive home, visions of where I could stop to get food floated through my mind. I could feel the mounting urgency, and panic, the thought of tipping over into an eating frenzy. 

And then I passed Weight Watchers. A huge building, with a huge sign. It said there was a “special” sale on memberships.

Fifteen minutes later I was calling my parents from the Weight Watchers parking lot and asking to borrow the money to join. They were both on the phone.

There was silence on the other end of the line. 

My dad said, “Weight Watchers? But why now? Aren’t you trying to stop dieting sweetie? It’s not an emergency to join right now, right?”

After a few more minutes of discussion, when I realized they were saying NO, I hung up on them, furious.

I went to the next grocery store and bought a bunch of junk food and started eating through it like it was the last food on earth.

But I knew my parents were right. 

This wasn’t even about food.

You almost have to try at least one food and eating “program” to discover that there is still something unsettled inside you, something deep within, that doesn’t get “fixed” by changing your behavior.

Too bad, right? 

It would have been nice to have the Low Carb diet end all my problems with food, or Weight Watchers, or the South Beach diet. 

But alas…for some of us the programs or diets never quiet seemed to get rid of the difficult relationship with food and eating.

And there is nothing wrong with the programs—they can be awesome, helpful and educational. 

They just didn’t get to the core of the matter for me….my addictive, compulsive THINKING. 

There are solutions for fixing your money, your career, other addictions like alcohol, or your spiritual life….there are numerous programs offered that will help you “get there” to where you want to go.

Recently I heard a wonderful new friend, with experience in this department, say that sometimes, getting set up in a “program” or going on a diet is like mowing the lawn….and there are a lot of dandelions in the lawn. 

When you first mow, all the dandelions get cut, and the grass, and everything looks pretty dang good for a few days. Green and smooth. All cleaned up.

And then the dandelions start poking through, and we know, of course, that under the surface are weeds and roots and tangled up beliefs that we haven’t questioned yet. 

And they start to grow.

So the minute I felt afraid, insecure, and super discouraged about my life….like I did that day with getting a job….then here came the usual distraction.

Food entered in for me as an obsessive solution and problem all at the same time.

But if I could have had the Work at the time, my afternoon might have gone very differently. 

I might have recognized in that moment, when my thoughts were screaming “I have to eat food now!” or “I am trapped!” or “I am in danger” or “It has to go the way I want”….

….that I could PAUSE. 

I could ask if it was absolutely true, in that moment, that I was trapped, or that I absolutely had to eat. 

I might have been able to see that without those thoughts, I could sit still and look around. I could stop. 

I might have been able to question whether I really had to take a job I didn’t want…OR, that I wasn’t good enough to do that job. 

Turning the thoughts around, I could find where it was just as true, or truer, to believe the opposites of them all:

I don’t have to eat anything right now, I am free, I am safe, it is going the way I want. 

What if you held in your heart right now that there is nothing you must do, nothing you need to know that you don’t already have, that your mind is able to question and understand itself?

What if you give up helping yourself altogether, chasing for the right solution, to any problem…not just the “eating” problem?

Mysterious. New. Open.

“The soft overcomes the hard; the gentle overcomes the rigid. Everyone knows this is true, but few can put it into practice. Therefore the master remains serene in the midst of sorrow. Evil cannot enter his heart. Because he has given up helping, he is people’s greatest help. True words seem paradoxical.” ~ Tao Te Ching #78 

Love, Grace

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Creating Money Without Hard Work or Stress

Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway in a few hours, at 9 am pacific time. I think at the time of writing this we’re full, but if you’re really feelin’ it, hit reply…you might be able to fit right in.

Having said this….fitting just a little more in is not the approach I recommend for consuming food, and I’m sure you agree. 

If you’re full, don’t try to fit one more bite in. Unless it’s balanced, fun and joyful and you’re simply sampling the taste. 

Getting too full is so uncomfortable, right? At least for most of us. Sometimes this sensation of fullness sets off a huge torrent of self-hate as big as Niagara Falls.

I shouldn’t have consumed that, I shouldn’t have wanted it, I should have stopped myself.

But what about the opposite….what about not having enough?

Not just Not Enough food, but not enough money, attention, love, support, warmth, comfort, time, energy, health?

Not Enough can be just as stressful as Too Much.  

It’s easy to find this to feel really true, for many of us, with MONEY.

I need more money, I want lots of money, I should be earning money, I should be receiving money, I can always use more money, there is never quite enough money, other people need me to get money….

The funny thing is, I never realized I had these kinds of beliefs at such a core, troubling level until I had just about no incoming money. 

I had been laid off from my job, gotten divorced, had a cancerous tumor on my thigh, and I had not been picked (even when I was a “finalist” a bunch of times) for any of the jobs I interviewed for.

I used to think I was so mellow when it came to money. 

“You can live on peanuts!” I would say. There’s no need to buy much of anything….I’m such a NON-CONSUMER. 

All those people who have to have fancy cars and jet skis and tropical vacations and ginormous houses…they are all bound and burdened by their lifestyle and their desires. 

I am so beyond all that. I hate shopping.

And then….I got squeezed. 

It got personal. 

And guess what? It seemed I had to take a look at all my thinking, all my beliefs about money. Because my entire system of thinking about money was very painful.

I got to work. I began writing down everything I thought about money. I started with the obvious thoughts, that I needed it ASAP, that I had to work to get it, that I would fail without it, that I would LOSE without it. 

And then, as I continued going, looking at money….I discovered that I had a very snooty belief that Not Caring about money was GOOD, and Caring about money was GREEDY.

It was the same as my beliefs about food! 

Not caring, not wanting, not desiring, not chasing after it...was much betterthan wanting, craving, desiring and grabbing.

But I needed money, it appeared, if I wanted to keep my home.

I needed food, it appeared, if I wanted to keep this body alive. 

And I did want to keep living in my little cottage. I did want to be alive in this body. 

(I did The Work and questioned these…and I could see it actually being OK to not want to live in my cottage or to stay alive in my body…a lightness about it instead of so freakin’ intense). 

So is it true that you want to Not Want something? Like food, or money?

YES! OMG! I want to NOT WANT cigarettes, I want to NOT WANT that Bad Boy Boyfriend, I want to NOT WANT a car, I want to NOT WANT more money, I want to NOT WANT candy.

That’s the story of my life, of course it’s true! Absolutely!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you want to NOT WANT something?

I am so furious at myself, I’m slapping my own hands in my mind as I reach for what I want. Slapping down my desires. I hate my “wanting”. 

I am viciously critical of those people who want money, who want cars, vacations, traveling, riches. 

I ACT like I don’t want stuff that I DO want. I shove it under the rug. I think “I will NEVER admit how much I want that thing, item, person, experience.”

If people criticize me for being too aloof, or not caring enough, or not motivated enough….I write them off. Can’t they see what a genius I am, how brilliant I am to Not Want? 

So. Who would I be if I couldn’t actually have the thoughts that Not Wanting is fabulous? Or Wanting is base, childish and out-of-control?

If it really did NOT MATTER, if there really was no right or wrong about noticing that you desire something…if you could experience the passion, the fire, the wild beauty of wanting without hacking it off like a diseased branch on a tree?

I would notice a new world opening up, full of creativity, energy, fun. Like a feeling of “Hey! Let’s go get some money!”

And it would be fine if I got some, and fine if not. This is not desperation, or fearful concern. 

My house might go into foreclosure, I might move into my mother’s basement, I might not be able to pay for my children to have music lessons, or dance classes. I might not be able to go on meditation retreats. 

But it’s not a disaster. Not a tragedy. 

I am open, excited, detached, enthusiastic, full of zeal, eager…wondering what will happen next.

“We become conscious participants in the creation of form. It is not we who create, but universal intelligence that creates through us. We don’t identify with what we create and so don’t lose ourselves in what we do. We are learning that the act of creation may involve energy of the highest intensity, but that is not ‘hard work’ or stressful.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

If you’re ready to look at Money and earning it, wanting it, keeping it…then we’re beginning an 8 week class starting December 5th. 

Questioning your beliefs about money could dissolve all hard work and stress, and leave you light and enthusiastic. I highly recommend it. You don’t have to join a class to begin, start questioning your beliefs today.

If you’re interested in the Money teleclass: Go to the website here to read more about it. 

Love, Grace

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This Body Should Be Different (As In Healed)

The Pain, Sickness and Death telegroup started last night. What a fabulous group of inquirers.

I always say “this is my favorite class!” about every class as it gets underway, but I thought that again.

Because remember that MRI I told you about last week?

I found out my right hamstring is torn and read something in the report like “only a few fibers are connected”.

Visions of floating, ripped, shredded ends-of-hamstring…..with the last threads hooked to the bone ready to get disconnected any minute….popped into my mind.

They should be connected!

Milliseconds later, almost simultaneously, Attack of The Self movie begins. What a ding-bat! I told you I shouldn’t have done that gymnastics move! You are so stupid! 

See!?!

The thoughts come in like a wave. This situation is not good. Things are floating when they should be attached. I’ll never run, jump, dance, do gymnastics the same again. It’s all down hill from here.

But honestly…and I don’t know how this happens except from constantly returning to The Work and inquiring into these fearful beliefs…about 30 seconds later I was wondering what interesting, good, or advantageous thing would come from this?

Bizarre, right?

But thank goodness.

Ask the four questions often enough, and they start to sink in or become more automatic, it seems.

Is it true that this part of the body should be connected to that part of the body?

Is it true that anything that you’ve observed that is separated from something SHOULD be connected to it instead?

I have thought this many, many times, in many situations…dishes that broke in two, relationships that ended, friends or family who I haven’t seen,  buildings where the roof was blown off by a hurricane, divorce, my child leaving home.

It really should have stayed connected. That would be better!

Are you sure?

Yes. This is painful. This costs money. This is hard. This is sad.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Even if you answer “yes” again…carry on. It seems like my hamstring really should be connected to the bone. Although I can’t necessarily know 100%…it would be my preference.

But this is not about MY preference.

Oh. Right.

I can feel what it’s like to believe that any of these things should be connected, as they once were….not separated.

Angry, disturbed, terribly frightened. Visions of what has to happen to fix or repair it.

So who would I be without the thought that the state it is in, apparently disconnected and separated, is TERRIBLE?

I have no idea what this means about the future. I’m way more relaxed. I’m very curious about what the sports medicine doctor says when I see him.

I turn the thought around to the opposite: the hamstring should be disconnected from wherever it’s supposed to attach.

I should be disconnected from that person, that house, that friend. Those dishes should be broken.

I may have no idea why….yet.

But even being open to this turnaround being as true…that is expansive, I’m anticipating with an open mind.

I get to feel that this “body problem” is not so important. Joy is still present. Joy and Peace are still possible, right here, right now, with disconnected hamstrings.

“How do you live when you believe the thought that your body should be different? How does that feel? “I’ll be happy later, when my body is healed.” “I should be thinner, healthier, prettier, younger.” This is a very old religion. If I think my body should be different from what it is now, I’m out of my business. I’m out of my mind!” ~ Byron Katie

WOW! Amazing situation, and I’m living in the middle of it, wondering what will happen next….since it’s up to Reality and the business of Something Bigger….not me.

All I can do is open to what’s next .

My part is inquiring. My part is to open my hands, stop clenching against this situation, to stop feeling like a victim.

“Stop pretending that you are in bondage—stop telling yourself that lie! Stop pretending to be someone, or something! You are no one, you are no-thing! You are not this body or this mind. This body and mind exist within who and what you are. You are pure consciousness, already free, awake, and liberated. Stand up and walk out of your dream. I am here to say that you can do this.” ~ Adyashanti

I can walk out of this dream—and I don’t need a hamstring to do it! Ha!

You can too.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Question Your Thoughts About Food

There are 3 spots left for the Friday 8 week teleclass that starts in less than 2 days where we zone in on what we’re thinking and feeling about food and eating.

And we investigate. We’re just looking. No big expectations.

You might be saying “Jeez, where would I begin?! That’s a big topic….and a frustrating one. I want to think LESS about food, not MORE about it.”

I’ve found that the more irritating and long-lasting a problem has been (and mine was awful when it came to food and eating) the better it’s been to examine.

Like it had an important message for me. (It did).

What ARE some of those ways of thinking about eating and food that really don’t feel that great?

Here’s what I used to believe:

  • if I eat a lot, I’ll gain weight
  • if I binge, I’m evil, selfish and greedy
  • if I starve, I’m selfless, powerful and right
  • if I eat from the “bad” list of foods, I’ll pay for it, I’m bad
  • if I eat from the “good” list of foods, I earn points, I’m good
  • I must control my cravings
  • cravings are wildly powerful and impossible to control
  • I’ll always have cravings
  • thin is better than fat
  • I hate being too hungry or too full

That was only the beginning.

I also believed that eating made me feel better.

I thought eating could change my emotional state. It actually DID change it temporarily. Sort of.

If I felt better for just a wee bit, I always went back to feeling lonely, angry, sad or depressed…even after I got something to eat.

No amount of ice cream was ever enough, if I was in “that” mood. And pretty soon, the thing I had reached for to help me out (food) actually made me feel worse.

Rats.

Now, most of us know these days that diets don’t release us from our pain around food and eating.

Many of us have learned that dieting actually makes the pain around food or eating worse.

But throwing our hands up doesn’t work in the long run either.

Funny that it’s either give up or crack down. Other options aren’t spoken of or tried, or even considered.

But what if you could slow down….so very very slowly…so that in each moment of every day you were aware and in touch with an inner feeling that said when to eat and when to stop.

Because every person is born with that.

You already pretty much know that you do not need someone to come in and tell you what to eat, when to eat it, how to eat it, where to eat it. In fact, that’s impossible.

You don’t need to read another nutrition or diet book, unless that’s fun for you.

(I had fun learning new things about what I was eating and my body last summer that I never could have heard before, when I had a co-dependent, desperate, addictive relationship with food).

What if you could unravel your greatest fears, including fears about being fat, or greedy, or possessed, or powerless?

I love simply taking a look. Noticing.

Nothing more.

No other big weight-loss plans. No feeling that you need to be punished.

So if you’d like a group to do The Work with to see what’s going on under the surface of all your conflicting beliefs about food and eating….then what a great time to do it!

We’ll meet right up into the dark, wintry season full of holiday gatherings and food traditions.

Who would you be without the thought that you have a problem with food?

You may wonder who you’d be without having this “problem” with food or your weight, like maybe that’s weird to even imagine (I used to feel like all my problems were problems with food).

You may be worried. It’s not a lollipops-and-roses answer necessarily. Maybe it’s even disturbing…who would I be if I didn’t obsess or think about food? If I didn’t have this addictive pattern?

If you’d like to investigate…come join us.

It’s fascinating. It’s even fun.

“Something like food, or alcohol, or drugs, or sex, or working, or shopping, or whatever we do, which, perhaps in moderation would be very delightful–like eating, enjoying your food. In fact, in moderation there’s this deep appreciation of the taste, of the good fortune to have this in your life. But these things become imbued with an addictive quality because we empower them with the idea that they will bring us comfort. They will remove this unease.” ~ Pema Chodron

Our class meets November 1 – December 27 from 9 -10:30 am Pacific Time. It’s a great time for this “looking” at this time of year. Join me!

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

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Question Your Thinking, Be Happy With Food

The other day I was waiting in line for lunch food at a deli. The day was bright and sunny, the sky clear, and many people murmuring and talking with one another.

The line was moving a bit slow, and in a non-introverted moment (shocking!) I said hello to the person behind me. She was a sweet woman and as we talked, she said she had lost 80 pounds, several years before. She was happy, and proud of herself, because she had kept all that weight off.

She was the cutest! She showed me a photo of her adorable little dog, on her phone.

I said that it was funny that we met, because I myself had a brutal and troubling relationship with food in my past….and I am SO HAPPY that it’s completely and totally over.

Isn’t it fantastic to have ended that cycle? That it is eliminated from life?

She shook her head “no”. 

“You never terminate the compulsion to eat. You have to be vigilant. You have to make sure to weigh yourself and monitor your food. I know it will be like this for the rest of my life. If I gain a few pounds, I immediately go into hyper-attention mode.”

Woah. OK.

I didn’t say anything about recovering from an eating disorder or any eating issues of any kind, after that. She appeared certain that this was her lot in life…vigilance.

For the rest of the day, off and on, I thought of this brief encounter with a stranger. I had a tender feeling of compassion and sent her a hug through the airways.

Not that she needed my help, because obviously, she had rocked the house and made major changes in her life….

….but long ago when I was sick with the anguish of compulsive overeating, bulimia, self-starvation, and fear of gaining weight…

…I wanted total and complete freedom from the obsession. I believed I could have it.

I never gave that up.

I wanted to go beyond managing my life, my threatening thoughts, and treating myself like I could topple of the edge of the cliff at any moment into a binge….to genuine trust that who I was, at every level, was and expression of love, trust and joy.

Including when it came to the simple act of eating.

The truth is, that now….I’m “normal” when it comes to food, like a person would be who never had any food issues. I never think about food with anxiety or pain. I love eating and do it with gusto.

I threw out my scale twenty years ago, but now, I don’t even “sneak a peak” at the scale when I’m at the gym. It doesn’t occur to me. I have exactly the same clothes, in the same size, for years. I throw worn out clothes away.

It is over, it seems. For years.

So. What’s the catch? How did this happen?

While I can never say 100% (since I am not the ruler of the universe, ha ha) the thing that I HAVE stayed vigilant about, that I DO feel compelled to look at every single day, is my thinking.

And I’m here to say, that when you look and question your negative, repetitive, agonizing thoughts….

….they seem to become less agonizing.

It’s like you’re giving them the respect they deserve.

Last week in one of the Year of Inquiry groups (Yay YOI!) someone said that they sometimes get a little overwhelmed with THOUGHTS.

There are so many! I’ll never get through them all! One falls away, and another one appears!

I get it. It seems true. It really does seem that there are endless amounts of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, observations, or memories that produce suffering.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that there’s no solution?

Oh boy!

Hands clapping because it does NOT seem absolutely, endlessly true! It’s not absolutely true that the mind SHOULD quit thinking, or that life would really be better if I did! Or that I can never find peace, with a mind that is thinking, thinking, thinking!

It’s not even absolutely true that I need to be fearfully vigilant about my thoughts….because they just pop up. They appear.

And now I LOVE working with them.

When I don’t believe they are true, when I don’t repeat them, or when I do The Work on them, they dissolve.

I feel peaceful.

Are you ready to move from discouraged, beaten down, feeling like a failure about your relationship with food, eating and your body….and take a dive into the most painful beliefs you have about eating?

Because that’s what we’re going to do, starting Friday.

We meet via teleclass for 8 weeks (no class December 6th). 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

Yes, we meet the day after American Thanksgiving because that day is often very important for reflecting on food, festivities, eating, and getting support.

Wherever you are, you can dial in on the phone or with skype.

“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are out of sync with goodness, when it comes to food and eating, then let’s question your thoughts.

You have to want to take a look, to see the pain, to sit with it and see what you’re really thinking, to write it down.

But if I can do it, you can do it too.

I know that when you have that sweet relationship with yourself, then food is an added pleasure in life. Definitely an over-the-top grace.

Every bite an incredible gift.

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace