Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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From Terrible To Wonderful

Several years ago I was in the gorgeous, dark, rainy, bustling city of Vancouver, BC.

Vancouver is only 3 hours drive from my city of Seattle. And about the same color of green-blue-gray, huge old evergreen trees, dramatic dark green mountains, and lots of coffee houses.

Only it’s Canada. There’s something cooler about being in Canada.

Everyone secretly agrees. (OK, that may not be true).

So there I was staying with a dear friend, reuniting with her after something like thirty years (she immigrated to Vancouver, which is one of the things that makes that city cool).

During the day, I attended a very small conference, with perhaps 40 people. Our speaker was the fascinating Dr. Hew Len who practices ho’oponopono, a method of cleaning, clearing, un-doing the overwhelming energy of personal stories, stress, pain, unhappiness.

My favorite!

At first, I thought he was bonkers.

Although he was academically trained, and had successfully earned a medical degree, he spoke of going beyond the mind.

Or actually, leaving the mind out altogether.

Leave the mind out? What? But I LOVE my mind! And it likes to THINK! And feel superior!

I got to have lunch with him. There were several of us, and I sat right next to him.

I asked him “How did you find this process you’re teaching? How did you find ho’oponopono?”

He looked at me gently and said with a twinkle in his eye “I stumbled into it. Just like you are, right now.”

Pause.

What? No story?

This was interesting. I noticed my mind really wanting to ask questions. I was also a little nervous. I felt like I was in the presence of someone very special. Very wise.

(See the Grace Note from last Sunday morning for more on that).

He wasn’t imposing himself or his ideas on me.

It was awesome. And different.

We were quiet a moment, perhaps someone else asked him something, or said something that I can’t remember, and then I asked again, going off on another hook, hoping for relief, “what do I do about my rage at my daughter?”

Again, a short answer.

He said “clean”.

Clean up your thoughts, un-ravel your negative thinking. Say “I love you” to her silently. Thank you, please forgive me, I’m sorry.

All in a flash of a moment, I was back to myself.

He had used the word “stumbled”. I liked that. I realized this meant that he was actually talking about the universe or something else, NOT ME, being the one in charge.

Who would I be without the thought that any of my contentious relationships, that any of my little annoying exchanges, or any of my so-called problems or my “dilemmas” need to be handled, yesterday?!

I would pull my head up out of the underwater world of believing EVERYTHING I think and I would feel some space.

I would feel emptiness and silence and big question marks….but it would be fine to not have any answers.

Oh.

Maybe that IS the answer.

Maybe you just stumble into it. The empty unknown magical mystery of it all.

“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

Last two spaces left in Pain, Sickness and Death telecourse that starts TODAY at 5:15 pm Pacific time. Click here to read more.

Join me and this wonderful group to take a look at the Biggies that tend to cause us to seek out some answers from other people besides ourselves.

Maybe you’ve got the answer inside of you, already. Ya never know.

Love, Grace

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Welcoming This Ailment As If You Had Invited It

Tomorrow the Pain, Sickness and Death telegroup starts 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific Time. There are still a few spaces! We meet for six weeks.

It’s interesting that this class is starting tomorrow.

Because I’ve had a sore throat and swollen glands and a stuffed up nose. I’m sick!

On this great hierarchy of maladies, it’s the least concerning in most of our minds, right?

I feel the symptoms. My ears hurt a little. I’m not awake at my usual very early morning hour. My voice is off.

But I really don’t know what the actual cause is, specifically, in THIS body. There are simply sensations moving about, changing, aching.

And I have an awareness that the body is making corrections, adjusting, healing, moving something through.

But my mind is not afraid. It’s not thinking “I could die from this”. It’s not thinking “I’ll never recover and live the rest of my life with this pain in my throat”.

It’s not getting all dramatic and going off on tangents trying to find a cure. I don’t feel panic, or sadness.

However, if a doctor or someone I thought of as educated, someone whose opinion I trusted, said “Uh oh. This is a dangerous situation. It’s not just a cold,” I would probably have a jolt of adrenaline run through me.

That’s what happened when I had a little mole biopsied almost seven years ago.

The mole was so small, that this “biopsy” (meaning they take some of the tissue by cutting it off carefully with a very sharp medical knife) practically removed the whole entire mole from my right thigh.

It had been there for about a year. My doctor had said it didn’t look like anything to be alarmed about.

But it grew a little bigger over that year. I kept feeling it all the time, more and more often. This bump in my skin, like the eraser on a small pencil.

The biopsy required four stitches. There was a round ball under the surface of my skin.

My doctor said to come back in a week and she would send the tissue off to a lab so they could analyze it.

The next week, back in the doctor’s office, she came in and said with a smile “let’s get those stitches removed”. I had only had stitches once in my entire life, and that was in 1976 with a broken right ankle after a crazy gymnastics vault landing that required surgery.

I thought about how amazing it was that humans found that the skin is like fabric, and that you can sew it back together.

But then the doctor said “OK, you can put your pants back on and have a seat here, and I’ll be back to talk about the results of the biopsy.”

Oh yeah, the results! Cool!

Wait.

You mean, this is like “results” that have to wait for me to be seated? Not the kind of results that you say while you’re also removing stitches like “everything looks good”.

That doctor hadn’t said any of those light sounding words.

Then it washed through me like a wave crashing.

Damn.

It’s cancer or something. What else grows a “tumor”? It’s cancer. What else requires me to get fully dressed and have a seat?

That all happened within 30 seconds.

She came in. I heard the words “sarcoma” and “….generally see this in people of color”….and “need to go see a surgeon who specializes…”

I couldn’t really hear everything, because my mind was having a heart attack.

That’s one of the moments that was born in my life for The Work, for personal inquiry, for looking at what I was afraid of, that I thought was true.

A few days later, I took out paper, and began writing down my thoughts.

Thoughts about death, treatment, dying, hurting, surgery, the future, the past.

I found out, by doing The Work, that things weren’t as bad as I thought.

Who would I be without the thought that this situation was dangerous, that cancer was life-threatening, that I was doomed?

Not terrified. That’s all I could come up with at first. Not exactly “happy” and welcoming….but NOT TERRIFIED was surprisingly better than terrified.

Who would I be without the thought that cancer was horrifying, the worst that could happen?

On a continuum that carried forward into the unknown. On a mystery ride.

Just like everyone else.

“Loving what is, is not kinda liking what is, or kind of appreciating what is, it’s not accepting what is….it is good. It is really exciting.” ~ Byron Katie

If you want to take an interesting journey into questioning beliefs about sickness, physical ailments, pain that seems to hurt, cancer, death…then come join the telegroup starting tomorrow. Click here to register.

You do not have to have something serious occurring in your life, or be a survivor of some kind of trauma….

….you can simply notice that you have fearful, annoyed, angry, or very painful beliefs about physical threats, conditions, or circumstances.

You notice you are interested in honestly questioning these beliefs about living inside a vulnerable body.

Who knows, whatever ails you may be your spiritual path.

I know it’s been mine.

I’d love you to join me in inquiry, to end the fearful thinking.

“Welcome the present moment as if you had invited it. It is all we ever have, so we night as well work with it rather than struggling against it. We might as well make it our friend and teacher rather than our enemy.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

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Scared of Famous People

It’s really weird how when I’ve come across a famous person, someone I admire, I typically clam up.

This doesn’t have to be a “famous” famous person….meaning, it doesn’t have to be someone on Broadway or in the movies or on TV.

I have my own versions of famous people, the ones I deeply admire and respect.

Early yesterday morning this happened to me.

Two brothers who I admire who are famous to ME at least in the business world, just happened to be walking out of a building towards their car as I walked by on the sidewalk.

My immediate internal reaction is total delight, thrill, and happiness to see them.

Kind of like “Hey, I love seeing you guys! Hello my friends!”

I smiled widely and said “good morning!” At least this naturally came out of my mouth.

I kept walking…not one hesitation in my step.

I felt JOY in that moment, coming across them. And then…

….a few minutes later, I had the thought that I should have stopped. I should have said something. They were RIGHT THERE.

No idea what I would say, but you get the point.

Stressful thoughts entering the scene.

Why didn’t I say more? Why didn’t I tell them how grateful I am, or how much I admire them? Why did I walk right by? Why go tongue-tied?

Why didn’t I go shake their hand or something? Why did I get a little jolt of adrenaline? Why didn’t I think of something more fun to say? More interesting?

Good morning? What a boring thing to say. I’m too shy!

I remember being at the hotel where the School for The Work was held for many years in Los Angeles.

Byron Katie happened to walk right past me in a corridor. We were walking in the same direction.

OMG that’s KATIE! I thought in my head.

A young man seconds later approached from the right, so close to me, and took her arm, and I knew it was her son. Off they went ahead of me, heads bent together and talking, walking quickly with their arms intertwined.

I stared at them ahead of me, walking away, out the big hotel glass doors and off across the parking area, obviously headed somewhere.

I kept staring.

Same thing, I was staring and stopped in my tracks.

I definitely would never be the type to go get an autograph or anything. It’s weird enough to be staring. I was mute.

In junior high, I was like this with boys I thought of as cute.

There was a guy named Jeff and I actually really liked him. But I ditched around the corner when I saw him coming down the hall.

I acted nonchalant, or turned red in embarrassment, if he talked to me in class.

So since this funny little thing happened very recently, I knew to do The Work. I have never done The Work on this before….but it has definitely been STRESSFUL to encounter people I admire.

They are different, separate, better, more successful, admirable….and I am not so much. They got something, I don’t. 

Is that true?

Well….no of course not! In my modest life, sure, I am just as important and worthy and loving and yada yada….

But how am I really feeling this situation?

I am feeling separate. I am living like there’s a gap between me and them. I am feeling great admiration. I am hesitating, staring, watching, keeping quiet over here.

I am acting like it’s true.

I am thinking that THEY are thinking that if I approached, I would be a pain in the freakin’ ass, boring, needy, seeking, grasping, wanting.

Is that really true?

No. I know that is not true.

They way I react when I believe that I know what they’re thinking is I freeze. I go inward. I get quiet. Something in my natural joy hesitates.

I am thinking I know what they have time for, who they need to talk with, who they are interested in (not the likes of me).

The way I react when I believe there are separations and hierarchies in this world of “success” (spiritual, physical, emotional) is that I measure myself and other people and compare constantly.

Ouch!

Who would I be without the thought that they got it going on, and I have nothing much to offer them, and they have better things to do, and I am not so worthy?

I would notice that I have run into this person, or these people, in this beautiful small moment, and I am here, very close.

I would also notice the rocks, trees, birds, leaves, cars, the curb, the blue sky, the inward joy, the quiet…

….and I would allow it all to be here, as it is. Silent for this moment.

Something over here, looking out these eyes, seeing an image of those admirable people right over there.

Feeling gratitude.

Feeling no need to speak unless it arises in a “good morning!” And no need to hold anything back.

A new friend said the other day “whomever you run into, it’s a divine appointment”. 

I smile remembering his words. Nothing else necessary.

And without any thoughts of being less-than perfect, or not quite as great, or What-Ever…

…without the thought that I am scared of these famous awesome people…

….I might stop and say to these people, with a heart bursting with joy:

“Thank you, thank you, you are amazing and your presence changed my life, and I so appreciate your being you and teaching and speaking and writing and offering yourself. You matter, you make a difference to me. I love you and am so grateful to what you express in this world and in my life. You have helped me remember who I really am.”

Now that I think about it…I might stop and say this to everyone, who has crossed paths with me, walked right near me, run into me, been a part of my life, with or without words.

Friends, admirers, strangers, odd balls, the difficult people, the frightening people, the enemies, the ones who hurt.

And I notice, when I think this gratitude towards others, without thinking I am different from them, without thinking I should have done something more, said something, asked something, been clever, been appealing or attractive, offered something….

…then the gratitude and joy rubs off on me.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha

I notice that without any of those anxious beliefs that appeared after seeing those appealing people, I feel content, abundant, like I just might get the chance to run into them again…but it’s OK whatever happens.

Who knows.

“When I say ‘I love you,’ it is always self-love. There’s no personality talking: I only talk to myself, so of course I must hear you as me. ‘I’ am the listener, I am all of it, as it turns out.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh goody! I didn’t miss anything after all, nothing at all.

Love, Grace

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I Want Want Want That

Very recently, a woman wrote me an email to sign up for some sessions in self-inquiry. She was intimately familiar with The Work. She had questioned her thinking many times, on many topics, and found great peace.

But there was this one particular area that had been present for many years that was VERY persistent.

It just wouldn’t go away.

She described it as like a screaming baby, in the other room.

All day long, she has thoughts about when to eat, what to eat, what not to eat, or what she should and shouldn’t be doing with food and exercise.

Using her own thinking to resolve this problem didn’t seem to be working very well, or very fast.

She wanted help.

As I have done myself, she could see her mind doing tailspins in this one particular area, without much change, without relief.

Oh the agony! The obsession! The powerlessness! The horror!

I remember obsessing about food, diet, eating, starving, exercising, burning calories, being thin, getting fat, controlling myself, feeling sad, feeling like a failure, fearing hunger, fearing fullness.

ARRRGGG. That was such a pain.

One thing I know for sure, the person busy obsessing is NOT damaged, broken or hopeless.

And it’s a very common human experience.

It’s like a battle is taking place, a raging, mind-melding battle, between the one who wants the item, and the one who doesn’t want it.

Between the one who is kind and accepting….and the one who is impatient, desperate or afraid.

Between the one who wants to grab, take-in, consume, get satisfied, pull towards itself…and the one who is content, peaceful, comfortable with the unknown and emptiness.

We’ve all had experiences with this battle, no matter what we’re obsessing about.

I love questioning cravings. This can be a first, wonderful examination in breaking apart that full-blown colorful story behind craving.

Let’s do it!

Find a situation when you were filled, overwhelmed, thinking of almost nothing else but the thing you want.

Food, wine, a cigarette, a cup of coffee, checking emails, going online, a person, an item in the store, a crush, sexual contact, buying it, porn, TV, chocolate, ice cream, whiskey.

“I want it.”

Is that true?

Yes. OMG. YES! I have to have that. It will bring me relief, pleasure!

Are you absolutely sure? Are you positive? Stand there in the craving and see if it is true.

You have to talk with that person, eat that pizza, breathe in that cigarette smoke, put that trinket in your purse, wear that new outfit, call your voicemail, drink that wine.

Is that absolutely true?

What do you believe you will have, if you get it?

I would have Satisfaction! Contentment! Peace!

Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Because I found, my cravings always returned. They were never altogether satisfied.

The craving was temporarily satisfied…sort of. There was a cycle, a repeating, over and over endlessly.

An intense craving, an intense break-down and demand to attend to the craving, a wild attempt to do nothing but satisfy the craving, and an intense hatred of myself, a sadness, a not-enoughness, an intense craving….

Maybe, there was a craving that was present, no matter what was happening.

A discontent, a longing, a hoping, a demand, a desire to change what is and reach for more, different, more, different.

Yikes. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that if this craving were relieved, I would be satisfied.

I can’t know that if the baby stopped screaming, I would be totally and completely content and peaceful.

I might start thinking of something else, of other things to do, to seek.

Who would I be without the thought “I want it!”

Woah. But that thought is so big, sooooo all-consuming. So….

I asked who would you be without the thought?

You may have to take a moment to imagine this. To feel it. To see what it would be like to be you only not thinking ONLY of how you want something.

Like a tree, a cat, a person you know who doesn’t appear to believe they want something very often.

It may take a moment of imagination, because being without this thought is very foreign.

I know that when I stopped wanting food so much, and so frequently….when the obsession dropped away….I had other things I wanted, like money, happiness, a partner, enlightenment, adventure, excitement, fame, attention, success.

These would flow in and out, the dangling carrots.

Let yourself imagine. Let yourself see who you would be without the belief that you want it.

The thing is in your awareness, it is around. You’re in the same room (the same neighborhood). You know where this thing is.

But you don’t have the thought that you want it desperately. That you must have it.

You may find yourself first just willing to imagine….

….then interested in imagining….who you are without the belief that you want that thing.

Looking around at your world, and feeling in your body, catching the sense of who you really are without this thought.

You may become curious about what you notice. So curious that your craving sits down in a chair and stops screaming so loud.

(Tell the craving that it can stay as long as it wants, you are OK with it being there, you’re not trying to obliterate it).

Who are you without the thought that you want what you think you want?

“Please do not think of truth in mystical terms or even in spiritual terms. Truth refers to the whole of existence and beyond. Truth exists as much in your teacup as it does in your temples and churches. Truth is as present in shopping for your groceries as it is in chanting to God.” ~ Adyashanti

We are about to enter the season in many cultures of celebratory feasting. If you are ready to look at your cravings for food deeply, to look at your deep beliefs about what it means to feel hungry, full, fat, or thin….then come on over and join the 8 week teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food meeting on Fridays 9 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

I’ve never taught the class right at this time, during what many think of as food and eating season. This is gonna be good!

We start November 1st and meet every Friday until December 20th.  Yes, even the day after Thanksgiving (if you live in the USA).

Don’t wait until the usual time to start developing peace with food. Come now. Use your experience to investigate your urges, cravings, drive, obsessions.

I’d love you to join me. Hit reply if you’re interested and we’ll take it from there.

Love, Grace

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I Gotta Get Outta Here!

I was lying on a flat white slab in pale blue hospital scrubs. All jewelry, hair clip, rings removed.

The technicians put a strap around my ankles to bind them together, and something heavy and flat across my upper torso.

They asked me if I wanted to listen to music and when I nodded yes, they put a big earphone head set over my head. On top of the earplugs I already had inserted. 

Then with buzzing and whirrs and machine sounds, I was pushed into a white donut hole tube, with the wall only inches above my face. 

Suddenly, I had the feeling of going into a coffin….um, OK. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Jeez, is this really necessary, I mean, it’s not like this procedure taking pictures of my hip will actually STOP the injury pain, right?

Maybe, on second thought, I’m good. 

Nevermind! I don’t need an MRI afterall!

“To he who is in fear, everything russles.” ~ Sophocles

Heh heh.

Almost immediately as I went into the tube…..with my gut starting to clench with slight unexpected panic….something also reminded me of inquiry, like almost simultaneously.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous.

Is this true?

This is not the only time I’ve believed this thought. 

Have you ever been in a dark alley on a rainy night, a run-down warehouse on the edge of town, or an abandoned car on a remote highway? 

Like, you know, people in those scary movies? (That I will NEVER watch, by the way).

Or what about at a family holiday gathering? A huge too-loud concert? A really really boring meeting? Or when you just did something kind of embarrassing.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous. 

Right?

I love it when inquiry rises up to the moment.

Is it actually true? Seriously? Entirely true?

Am I really not safe, and trapped?

No.

How do I react when I believe it? When the thought shouts in my head?

A wave of adrenaline blasts through my system. I have pictures of not being able to move, of dying a slow death of suffocation, gasping desperately for air. 

I’m a victim. No way out. Really scary music starts playing in the back ground, or really sad music.

So who would I be without the thought that in this situation, I’m trapped, or that I have to get out, or that I’m in danger?

Pretty huge question. But very profound.

Without the thought that I am not safe, my whole entire body relaxes. 

I don’t know what’s in store for me, but just any sense of openness to what might happen next, there is a tinge of sweetness.

I don’t have to love it, I don’t have to be overjoyed about this situation…but I notice I’m not overwhelmed with fear. 

Even when I feel some fear. It’s not all of me.

In the big MRI machine, I hold really still so this doesn’t have to go any longer than necessary, and I fall asleep.

Without the thought that some location is unsafe, terrifying, dangerous….

….I look around and see space, shapes, light, absence of light, I hear sounds, quiet, silence, I feel air against my skin. 

I notice that nothing is happening to my actual body. 

I am free, I don’t need to go anywhere, this is safe. 

In this moment, this is entirely and completely true, just right in this exact short moment with no future. 

Everything very alive, pulsing, moving. Strong energy present.

In other words, I’m not turning passive, I’m not denying that things are alert, strong, and powerful in this organism. 

But I am looking very clearly at what is and what is NOT true.

“Fear and insecurity always wait for any and all who dare to probe the depths of the Unknown. The true seeker of liberation must have an uncompromising desire to discover Eternal Truth, a desire that outweighs any tendency to hesitate and contract in the face of fear. It is only when the fear of the Unknown is openly embraced that it begins to transform into the positive energy and intensity necessary to awaken from conditioned existence.” ~ Adyashanti

As I investigate even the smallest worry honestly….

…I may become accepting of my fear, fascinated with the insecurity that bubbles up. 

This is aliveness, desire, intensity!

I’m ready to bust out of all those conditioned beliefs about being trapped in coffins and what-not. 

It was only my thinking that was trapped, victimized, fearful, and dangerous!

Everything else was fine.

Woohoo!

If you’re wanting connection with others to examine fears that come forward around Pain, Sickness and Death….then what a wonderful time to do it. The PSD Teleclass starts next Tuesday, 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time. Limited to 8 participants. 

Register Here now, or write if you have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com 

Love, Grace

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Energy Sucking Needy Leeches

The other day I had a consult session with one of my favorite wise therapists.

She has forty years of experience working with human consciousness, recovery, spirituality, healing….and I trust our inspiring conversations.

We touched on a topic of deep interest: how people connect with others.

It left me contemplating human nature and all the wildly different reasons people make connection, find connection, instigate connection, resume connection or avoid connection with other people.

I love investigating whatever motivates us or inspires us to move toward or away from someone we encounter.

It may feel as simple as…”I like you!” 

(or, “I don’t like you!”)

Yet whenever I review relationships, it seems to be a lot more complicated. 

I like a LOT of people. In fact, MOST people. And every once in awhile I don’t like someone, but this is pretty rare.

I know The Work brings us tons of awareness about those irritating or creepy people we don’t like….but what about the ones we DO?

Like, what’s going on when we like someone Big Time and it doesn’t really make logical sense? Or something is slightly weird about the intensity of the contact? 

Or what about feeling sexual vibes from or towards someone, when you’re NOT actually interested in begin sexual with them?

Byron Katie has a LOT to say about seeking out love, approval and appreciation from other humans.

And how much it hurts…..sometimes.

In fact, Katie has a whole book written on this, entitled I Need Your Love–Is That True?

So….there’s someone over there, and you get a leap of energy that feels like its moving from them toward you, or vice versa, and it’s (somewhat) positive. 

Maybe physical attraction but this could be any kind of attraction. 

If it was all open, sweet, exciting and fun (like it was when I met my husband) then I think this might be called the “falling in love” phase or “creating a long and beautiful friendship” phase.

Every time we got together or interacted, we both had the feeling that getting together AGAIN was a great idea. We both felt happy, unashamed, curious and adventurous about the learning underway.

And we did NOT feel desperate. 

We had a blast getting to know each other (we still do).

One thing that was new for me at the time I met him was a deep interest in being in relationship without clingy, grabby, haunting, dramatic NEEDINESS.

Without the desire to merge.

Ewww!

I had done some serious investigation of neediness. Yowser. There were just so many needy people out there! 

They only wanted to connect with others so they could GET something from the relationship!

On my worksheets from all the men I dated, several concepts seemed to reappear, over and over:

  • he wants a mate for security
  • he needs love
  • he wants too much attention
  • he wants someone to think he’s special
  • he hates his own company
  • he wants a maid, a cook, a housekeeper (yuck)
  • he wants to have sex easily available
  • he wants money, added income, added financial benefit
  • he is needy
You know where this is going, right?

 

THE TURNAROUNDS.

I saw how I reacted when I believed these thoughts. Not pretty. Super critical.

I was even creeped out a little about who I would be without these thoughts. I was scared that I wouldn’t smell a co-dependent relationship until it was too late. 

I’d get stuck in a quagmire of two people needing each other without even knowing it! OMG! 
But oh the gold in those turnarounds. Sigh.
  • I want a mate for security
  • I need love
  • I want too much attention
  • I want someone to think I’m special
  • I hate my own company
  • I wants a handyman, an auto-mechanic, a remodeler
  • I want to have sex easily available
  • I want money, added income, added financial benefit
  • I am needy

Instead of being depressed and upset about MY OWN NEEDINESS (gasp) I found genuine examples of where these turnarounds were true, where I believed them.

Dang, I really did think very little of myself when it came to being able to earn decent money, fix my house, mow the lawn, take care of the oil changes in my car, and be attractive.
I also could feel the deep self-doubt and longing to be special.
I wanted someone ELSE to think I was special.
Only…..I knew deep down, that was not true.
When I believed the thought that I wanted someone else to think I was special, I suffered.
I was pretty ridiculously needy. And trying not to show it.
Without the thought that someone else should think I’m special?
Free as a bird. Free to be myself, totally and completely. Wildly, fabulously free.
Free to stop going down trails leading to co-dependent connections and merge-type relationships…
….free to enjoy people without stress, without clinging, without expectations.
I highly recommend it.

 

“Do this exercise for a few minutes: think of someone you are attached to, someone without whom you think you are not going to be happy….And say to this person ‘I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.’ You can say this in the secrecy of your heart. You’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping the illusion.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I you want to look at all the little stressful thoughts you’ve believed around connecting especially around sexuality….or the big stressful thoughts….we’re meeting for 8 weeks starting in January via telephone or skype. 

Some people are already enrolled (since I had to postpone the class due to being IN a class myself all year at that exact time, calendar confusion).

If a class isn’t for you, find a partner and get someone to facilitate you! Or sit down all by yourself and sort out your ideas. 

It’s worth it. 

Love, Grace

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No One Can Leave Me, Even In Death – Happy Birthday Dad

I know LOTS of people tried to download the little parenting ebook. Go here to do it instead and click Download. Looking forward to your feedback (just hit reply any time and let me know what you like or don’t like about it): 

Get How To Be A Happy Parent Free Ebook.

****

Speaking of parents.

Today would be my dad’s 83rd birthday. But he died long ago in 1990 barely making age 60.

I think about him every year on this day, and many others. With immense gratitude.

He came to me immediately just now, after I woke up. I was sitting in a chair with a dark misty early morning all around through the windows, damp and green and very quiet, as it is often in the Pacific Northwest. 

I can see him in my mind standing near the front door, with his walking stick, his flat wool cap, his wire-rimmed glasses and gray speckled beard, asking “shall we go on a little walk?”

But the gratitude used to be all mixed up with despair, loss and missing him.

That was before doing The Work. Before time passed.

One of my very first realizations after beginning the questioning of my deep-seated beliefs was finding a sense of peace with death. 

One of my sisters had already attended The School for The Work. She shared with me two important things she learned from her experience there.

  1. Our dad did not actually die (say what?)
  2. A total stranger, another participant at the event, had accidentally caused the death of his own two year old child….and it didn’t kill HIM, emotionally

These two pieces of information jet-propelled me to the next School.

I wanted to understand, and face, death. So terrifying!

What on earth could this idea mean, that our dad did not actually die? I mean, I sat with him as he took his last breath. I felt his hand grow cold.

His body is no longer around. I haven’t seen him in over two decades. 

The most profound awareness came over time, gently investigating a pretty simple belief. 

What I mean by belief is something I repeated over and over to myself in my mind: my dad died.

Is it true? 

Yes. I was there. He’s gone. He never got older than sixty.

Right at this point is when I used to cry, feel such sadness I felt my throat close and my heart break. It felt horrible. 

But I kept going anyway, with this process of inquiry.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that my dad died? 

It may sound odd, but can I absolutely know….beyond a shadow of a doubt….that he is gone, forever, that there is nothing at all left of him, anywhere?

No. I can’t know this at all. I remember him. This memory alone shows there is something here of him. 

I can have a conversation with my dad and get a real solid sense of what he’d tell me, how he’d answer a question I asked. I can see him in my mind vividly.

And as for physically, where bodies go, where cells and life and energy move, I definitely can’t know that this is dead. 

In fact, it’s unlikely, scientifically.

So, no, strangely enough….I can’t absolutely know it’s true that my dad died.

How did I always react when I believed that thought?

Devastated. Wishing he was here. Frightened. Wondering why it’s set up like this on planet earth, with such loss. 

How did I treat myself, internally, when I believed my dad died? 

Like something was missing that I couldn’t quite have, without him. Like I couldn’t make it as well in life. Like I was smaller somehow.

Then the great question: Who was I without the belief that my dad died?

Or, without the belief that I was missing something because he died, that it was devastating or terrible? 

Walking down the street, driving my car, doing laundry, reading a book, going to the gym, playing with my kids, buying groceries….hadn’t I actually done all these things hundreds of times WITHOUT my dad?

I mean, I had moved out of my parents house about 8 years before he “died”. 

I had done a lot on my own. Without sadness. Without thinking “oh this is so so so terrible and devastating that my dad isn’t here right now.” 

That’s what it would be like without the thought. I already knew what that was like. 

I would smile as his memory and image entered my mind. 

Or, I might sob and weep with love, feeling the bittersweet grief pouring out. All mixed with happiness. 

“I love to say, ‘No one can leave me. They don’t have that power.'” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thought around, I find my dad lived, my dad is alive. 

It seems as true or truer, even if his body is no longer here. 

(Everyone’s body is eventually no longer here. What did I expect?)

I see his back go around a corner ahead of me down the block. He just drove by in a car. I saw him gardening at the pea patch from the bus window. My son just sounded exactly the same as my father, although they never met. Little glimpses.  

I don’t know any way to be with this than being with it. 

The final turnaround to my belief: I died (when my dad died).  

Something did die, but maybe that’s not so terrible. A dependence died. A clinging died. An expectation that I must have my dad. 

I’ve now had to stand on my own two feet, without having a father in this world. 

“If you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.” ~ C.S. Lewis

If you’d like to explore pain, sickness and death in a small telegroup, we begin on Tuesday, October 29th, 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time.  Register Here. As always, ask me if you have concerns about the fee grace@workwithgrace.com.  

Love, Grace

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That Person Should Do The Work?

I love when beginners to The Work come to gather with me, either one-on-one or in a workshop or teleclass or longer retreat.

This past Saturday afternoon many newcomers to The Work came to learn inquiry at the mini retreat at my little cottage.

They showed up, ready to learn. They were a spectacular group.

Over several years now, working with people in all stages of self-inquiry, I am absolutely *fascinated* by people with Big Questions.

Sometimes, when people encounter The Work, they get sort of….spicy.

They have objections.

There may be something strange, or threatening, or worrisome about it.

  • What d’ya mean IS IT TRUE? Of course it’s true!
  • Who would I be without my stressful belief? I’d be a zombie with no motivation, I’d be an idiot, people would take advantage of me, it would be all MY fault, I’d be a fool
  • If I didn’t believe I have to be nice/kind/polite (fill in the blank) I’d be a jerk all the time and everyone would hate me
  • Isn’t everything NOT absolutely true? Why even ask that question?
  • How do I react when I think that person done me wrong? This has been going on my whole entire life since I was a kid so it’s a loooong story!
  • See, I need to tell you about my situation I wrote about because otherwise I’m not sure you’ll understand
  • I’m so embarrassed that I wrote these judgments down, it makes me feel worse, not better
  • I’m trying to be positive, not negative! This is twisted!
  • I don’t believe in cognitive behavioral psychology or whatever this is
  • this is too much thinking
  • The Work doesn’t work for me

Allrighty then!

There is no way to ever, ever know what someone else’s path should be, if doing The Work is right for them, or to give them what you’ve found.

What do I do when someone else doesn’t see doing The Work as such an exciting, positive, supportive experience?

If it’s stressful in any way, even a teensy eensy bit….I take it to inquiry.

They should get this, I want them to see how freeing this is, I want them to stop suffering. 

Is it true?

Is it really true that they need to do The Work? Is it true they need to stop suffering?

Is it true they shouldn’t have an oppositional reaction?

Well…er…yes!

They should stick with it. Get all their questions answered. Be patient. Not be so contrary. They shouldn’t give up. They can stop suffering!

Are you SURE? Absolutely sure you know what needs to happen for them? Are you sure you know they should stop suffering? Really?

No. It seems weird, but no, I don’t really know WHAT is right for that other person. I don’t even know why I took to The Work so well, why I “got” it at Byron Katie’s School for The Work.

I’m not even sure I DID get it all the time. Now that you asked.

How do I react when I believe the thought that someone else needs to see what’s up with this thing called The Work and how cool it is, and they don’t exactly see it that way, apparently?

I want to explain. Or I recoil and pull back, brush them off.

I start making it a project, hoping I present it “right” or adequately.

I secretly think in my head that the person is just too closed-minded for this, or too set in their ways, too anxious, too smart, too emotional, too immature, too impatient.

I turn the thought around…..they should not stop suffering, it’s not up to me to help, I don’t need to over-explain or “try” or say anything special.

There is nothing I need to do extra, no mistake made, nothing undone.

Everyone is where they are.

They have amazing questions, brilliant concerns, fascinating minds.

Who would I be without the thought that anyone else needs to do The Work, except me?

I would answer their questions. 

I would offer what I know from my experience, if they wanted it, and stop there.

I would have zero expectations.

“The Work doesn’t say what anyone should or shouldn’t do. We simply ask: What is the effect of arguing with reality? How does it feel? This Work explores the cause and effect of attaching to painful thoughts, and in that investigation we find our freedom. To simply say that we shouldn’t argue with reality is just to add another story, another philosophy or religion. It hasn’t ever worked. ” ~ Byron Katie 

When I have zero expectations, my mind may be busy, but I am here, with anyone, with questions, with unknown, with something beyond this mind, a spacious place.

Without the thought that anyone needs to do The Work, without the thought that their objections are frightening or worrisome, I welcome every person who shows up.

I keep offering mini retreats and workshops and classes and solo sessions and it is all for me, all for me. No one needs this.

Except me.

I love everyone who comes. So incredible. Such juicy, alive, worthwhile, honest questions.

“Enlightenment can be measured by how compassionately and wisely you interact with others–with all others, not just those who support you in the way that you want. How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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This Joy Belongs To You, Too

First, some shortie announcements: I worked until midnight two nights in a row on my own website and my business facebook page.

I am not all that technically knowledgeable. Or so I thought.

Now I’m dancing the Accomplishment Dance, so much fun to LEARN! 

Check them out and “like” them:

Visit Work With Grace Website 

Visit FB Page Work With Grace

I also have a little ebook on thoughts I’ve heard repeatedly, or noticed within myself as a parent, that have been wildly helpful to question and consider.

Download it for free from the shop on my website. I’d love your feedback and comments. 

My much more comprehensive book on food, eating and consuming is on the way, really, even though it’s not yet born. Not much longer now. 

It’ll be so fun when it’s here. I hope it helps you, if you crave peace with food and eating.

It’s strange how creating something, having it work, bringing it to development, getting to a real end point….can be so thrilling.

It reminds me of the time when I was a child, excitedly imagining fairies in the flowers in our garden.

Believing in magic, spells, ghosts, celebration. Filled with joy, for no reason!

And then something happened….and I believed many thoughts about people, right and wrong, acceptance, rejection, loss, death, birth, hope, devastation, fear in the gut.  

Creativity then tried to come forward. But it got very stilted, sort of lost.

And here now, today…..with the experience of doing The Work for awhile and all this questioning what I think of Reality, I’m remembering that Joy beyond any explanation.

Gratitude so big it feels like it will burst through my chest and fly into the heavens. 

Not sure why it is coming today, with such sweetness. It’s an ordinary day, with nothing special in it. 

And everything special in it. Stunning.

I wish for you to have this Joy as well, if you can’t remember it right now. It is in you, I know it. Because it was in me the whole time, too. 

You can question your thinking and change your reality.

This Poem Belongs to You 

By David Whyte

 This poem

  belongs to you
    and is already finished,

it was begun years ago
     and I put it away
knowing it would come
   into the world
     in its own time.
In fact
   you have already read it,
     and closing the pages 
       of the book,
you are now 
  abandoning the projects
     of the day and putting on
       your shoes and coat 
         to take a walk.
It has been long years
   since you felt like this.
You have remembered
   what I remembered,
     when I first began to write.

Love, Grace

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Finding Your Out-of-Control Place

Last night as I drove my car, my attention was drawn to my right hamstring and the pain that had recently increased, rather than decreased.

The pain is supposed to be going DOWN. Not UP.

It was hurting just to sit in my nice sheep-skin padded car seat. I had to lean way to the left and shift around constantly.

My mind started to replay the scene of the crime. The incident.

OK, so if I landed like THAT when trying to do the gymnastics move, then the weight would be like THIS and it must have pulled on THAT and yanked on THIS….

…What muscle, bone, tendon thing got pulled????

My mind thinks it can find out the answer, and therefore get closer to a solution, if it knows EXACTLY what happened.

There in the quiet car, I smiled for a moment when I realized that this happens with emotional pain as well.

There’s an incident. A blow. Mean words. A shock.

Something feels “ouch”.

Then there is a bracing against the pain. Sometimes a huge wall is built against that pain, closing off all fun, pleasure, relaxation and happiness.

As time passes, following the event, the mind returns over and over again to other scenes….how we could have avoided this, how we can prevent it from ever, ever happening again in the future.

It’s sooooo stressful to be so cautious, careful, nervous, and hurt.

I remembered, in the quiet car, that I could do The Work on the frustration and disappointment with this physical “problem”.

It’s a problem…is it true?

Are you kidding me? Of course it’s a problem! I am not supposed to be in pain! This must be fixed! NOW. Something is wrong!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that this is a problem?

A woman I worked with recently who has been suffering because her partner left her answered YES, this is absolutely a problem.

NOTHING good about this. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

But could I know this about my hurting ham string? What a strange question.

It is so assumed that pain is a problem, and the goal is to never have it.

Physical or emotional.

But I know that in my life, some of the most painful, excruciating experiences ever led to peace, success, trust and love that I had no idea could exist.

I’m not sure what benefits could come from a hamstring injury…but I have the feeling, from doing The Work for awhile now, that there’s been one.

Which might mean it’s not exactly an absolute problem.

So, no. I don’t know for sure.

But even if you answer “yes” that you know it is absolutely true that you have a major problem….keep going through the steps of inquiry.

How do you react when you believe you are hurt, and it’s horrible?

I believe life sucks. I ask God/Source why it’s set up like this (I have doubts and I’m very suspicious). I think “I’m so vulnerable”.

I feel sorry for myself. I feel *rage* and despair. I try to ignore what happened, or the pain I feel.

I don’t call the doctor. I give up.

So….ready? Who would you be without the thought that this is such a problem? Without the thought that this is terrible, long-lasting, never-ending? That you can’t get over this?

Without the thought, my pain feels sort of…..interesting.

I notice I’m breathing, living, able to work, teaching my teleclasses, going about my world to the library, the market, flying on airplanes, doing stuff on the computer.

I’m not actually thinking of my pain 24/7.

Sometimes I’m asleep!

Turning the thought around, I consider that this pain, this diagnosis, this condition, this situation, this event…..is NOT a problem.

What if it’s a solution?

Well, I’ve changed around my gym routine entirely and notice I like doing something new. I’m stretching more.

I stand more often, instead of sit and slouch. My back is happier.

I met really nice people at the physical therapy place, I learned a bunch of stuff about legs, bones, hips, muscles. I’m considering going swimming for the first time in 20 years—and I used to swim competitively.

How could I live this turnaround, trusting that something is inviting me to a new experience, a new life, a new place?

Wow. That is VERY exciting to think of what this could be offering my life, drawing me to do differently.

What if this situation is beckoning me to an alternative, a change in my mind, surrender, relax, rest, wait, be?

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it–the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it…..Go back with it again. It’s apart–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie 

Could there be a place in you where there is no concern for this situation?

I can find it.

If you’re interested in studying pain, sickness and death…I would love for you to join me on a six week teleclass journey beginning Tuesday, October 29th 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time. Register Here to Join Me!

There’s no guarantee of changing anything physically. You know this. But you may find the incredible lightness that can occur with a change in the mind!

Pain After The Work
“During the retreat I did work on pain. The next week I ceased taking a variety of pain medicine. All over the counter & prescription medication as well as more stronger stuff like opium & Kava. The result of that action was a dramatic reduction in body pain! Who’d a thunk it!” ~ Washington

Love, Grace