Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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True Love Doesn’t Want That Person To Change

People in the northwest near Seattle!

We have wonderful inquirers coming on Saturday afternoon for the October 19th mini retreat (next one November 30th) from 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is offered five times per year for a sweet deal….four hours of walking through a difficult situation in your life from start to finish using The Work of Byron Katie.

Everyone welcome, beginner to experienced in The Work.

Write me to see if there’s space: grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll send you all the information, cost, registration, details.

And if you’re wondering what you would do The Work on? Maybe there is one person in your life who has kinda bugged you.

Perhaps a romantic partner, a long-term mate, or someone you once dated.

They don’t have to still be in your life for strong insights to come alive with self-inquiry.

A primary life partner and what we really think about their faults is a super crazy stressful experience for many of us.

That person does things that drive us nuts. Or they worry us. Or we feel really sad about something they repeatedly do.

Tragedy, pain, loss, anxiety….irritation!

The other day I was working with a beautiful inquirer who had a really common and very painful situation to investigate with her husband.

He drinks too much.

I’ve had people come to inquiry to look at someone they are very close to, and they don’t like that person’s smoking, their weight, their temper, their career (or lack of it), their table manners, their movie preferences, their flirtation with others, their clothing style, their friends, their home’s interior design.

I mean, this can get really petty…or it can be a Deal Breaker.

As in, if that person doesn’t change, I’m outta here!!!

The thing is, it’s rough being the one with all the opinions, looking over at that person we care about with disdain, annoyance, criticism or fear.

If that person would just change, I’d feel much better.

Uh oh.

This is a very edgy, painful, other-oriented, time and energy consuming thought.

You can feel the stress. So you know, it’s time for inquiry.

That person drinks too much. They don’t take care of themselves. They should stop.

Is it true?

Yeah. Duh. Who wants to be with an alcoholic, or a party-er, or someone who can’t be reliable, or who puts themselves in danger?

Slow it down. Can you absolutely know without a doubt that they drink too much, that you KNOW what it means about them, or that they should stop?

You might still answer “yes”. Keep going.

How do you react when you think this judgment about that person?

It takes up tons of energy. Mental space. I analyze the heck out of them. I try to figure out ways to help them.

It’s a drag.

Who would you be without the thought that they should stop? That you need to help them? That you know what’s best?

Who would you be without the thought that they drink too much? Eat too much? Need to get a job? Have poor taste in color choice?

So interesting…I noticed a long time ago for myself that I come back into the present moment, when I don’t believe that this person needs to change in order to make me happy.

I come back to taking care of MYSELF. I make myself happy.

Byron Katie says “skip the middle man”.

I notice that I don’t actually have much fun talking with someone who has had a lot of alcohol to drink. So I go talk with someone else. There’s a whole world full of interesting and fascinating people.

Without the thought, I stop the war. I am not against this person I adore. I allow them to be as they are.

I allow myself to be as I am. I ask if I can redecorate their living room. They say “yes” or “no” and I am happy with either answer. If they say “no” I don’t hang out in that room much, I notice.

I may ask them if there’s any way I can support them. There may be no way I can.

I feel joy being me, without the thought that they need to do anything in order for me to be happy.

WOW.

“To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess, or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

This does not mean that I don’t break up with someone….that might be very kind to me to do that.

I may get divorced, move out, move away.

But it’s done with such deep appreciation, gratitude that this person propelled me back to myself.

The feeling inside is gentleness, openness, acceptance, surrender.

Enjoying my own company.

If I happen to be with someone else, that’s just the icing on top of the delicious cake.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Our Wonderful Sexuality will now start in January on Tuesdays! This is an awesome topic for romantic relationships, and one we don’t talk about out loud much. It’s the VERY SAME as what I’ve just written about today…uncovering, questioning, and shifting all the judgments about how that person should change, and entering true love instead.

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It’s Broken! How Exciting!

Argggg! The computer thingy won’t go right! The font won’t change! I can’t get a space between paragraphs! The website link isn’t working!

The Work on technical difficulties! Oh boy!

Small movements of attention to the little administrative happenings of life can seem silly to do The Work on….

….they are not matters of life and death, not the greatest stressors.

And yet, in that very moment when the “thing” isn’t working, or it broke, it’s not doing as you wish it to do….it can be very frustrating.

A wonderful microcosm of the way the mind has an opinion, so fast, that the l thing should NOT be the way it is, it should be different.

Sometimes these “smaller” situations for inquiry are actually fantastic for self-discovery, perhaps because there isn’t so much fear present.

Traffic, tardiness, the store closing unexpectedly, the paper getting torn, the files being misplaced, the form too complicated, a late fee getting added to the account, the wait in line being too long, the drawer not opening properly, the dish breaking, the battery too low, the library sending overdue notices, the drain being clogged.

There it is, so quick. I see the situation. I react.

The first question “Is It True?” dials it all back, to PRE-reaction.

It stops everything in motion.

Is it true that the thingy should be easier, different….that this piece of pottery should be united with that piece of pottery to make a whole dish?

No.

The dish is broken. In half. At this moment in reality, it should be broken.

Because that’s what it is.

How do you react when you believe the computer thingy should be different, should work, needs to go another way?

A wave of energy rises through my body, my hands make a clenched fist, I make a sound that is like a growl.

I remember my old lap top getting a virus.

I was driving it to a special place and paying several hundreds of dollars that was very difficult for me to pay at the time (I could question that now).

I remember the feeling of the hassle, the expense, the parking lot, the men who all worked in the sick-computer place. Driving there three times.

How do I react when I believe that it shouldn’t be this way?

I distrust the computer guys. I think about what evil person out there is sending viruses.

I think I need the communication the computer provides.

Inside, I’m reacting like its an emergency.

Who would you be without the thought that this thingy should be NOT broken?

Without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone like that? That it’s terrible if you’re late? That the virus shouldn’t exist? That the drain shouldn’t be clogged? That the toilet shouldn’t be dirty?

This is an amazing question.

What if everything around you, as it flows and moves and comes apart, breaks, takes longer, comes together, and dissolves….what if everything is as it should be?

It feels so light and incredible inside this body, without that thought.

Open, expansive, slowed down, waiting….but with curiosity, excitement, or gentleness.

I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to see what could be an advantage to this going the way it is going.

“Any time the ego hits “victim” (which is all the time), victim role, victim identity, it’s secure. Can you imagine a planet where when it rains, we complain? I’m a victim of the rain.”~ Byron Katie

Today, in this moment, it’s good that the old laptop got a virus, the cup smashed, the door jammed.

Because I got a brand new more awesome computer.

Because I learn that it is truly OK, even better, that the thing is broken…then it becomes OK that my toe broke, my car stalled, I missed the flight…

….then it is OK that my house burned, my dog died, my dad got cancer.

I actually find advantages.

If I can’t…I find them in these “smaller” situations and notice, miraculously, that I am not a victim after all.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut you hand.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

Much love, Grace
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Not Pretending You Like Someone When You Don’t

A wonderful inquirer wrote in a great question (I LOVE everyone’s questions, and comments on my website who writes and I answer them all!

She asked “what if I don’t WANT to do The Work on someone, and accept them or put up with them?”

Like what if I really don’t like that person very much…and that is FINE with me?

Such a fantastic question, as it opens up the awareness of what we expect The Work to do, what the end result might be, what will happen after we inquire.

So there’s that annoying person and you notice when you think of them, you feel some level of stress.

(Which shows it’s not really fine with you).

You remember incidents, uncomfortable events, or aspects of them you don’t like.

How about someone who steals, cheats, lies, is often drunk, calls people names, or causes a commotion when in a group?

Or what about that false, fakey-voiced person who talks about people all the time behind their backs who kind of drives you nuts when you run into them?

Or maybe there is that dear friend who betrayed you, you were shocked, and it seems best to leave the situation alone for now.

The last thing you want is to hang out MORE with that person, or re-open contact, or create unrest or anxiety for anyone involved.

Doing The Work on this person is powerful…..and it may uncover new and subtle, or hidden, beliefs that you haven’t previously been aware of.

So let’s say you question your thinking about that mean ex-boyfriend, or that irritating teacher from your childhood….or even that violent person with whom you had a relationship several years ago.

You come to an understanding that everyone was doing the best they could.

You may appreciate, very deeply, your interaction with that person. You may realize that your life went differently, and better, because of that person.

I have found the deepest gratitude for several individuals who interacted with me in my life, in ways I would have never imagined before The Work.

But does this mean you NEED to contact them? Does it mean you can’t say “no” if they come knocking on your door?

What if you’ve made amends, and feel complete in the relationship, for now?

Because for me, there are new stressful beliefs uncovered sometimes, about what we believe and what we’re supposed to do next, as we reach greater understanding.

  • I should talk, see, get together, email with that person if they ask for a conversation
  • If I say “no” I will hurt their feelings
  • A good, kind person would be open to hanging out with anyone
  • If I love that person, I have to spend time with them, or stay married, or live with them
  • it means I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend

Let’s take a look.

Is it true, that you should say yes to requests for contact from that person? Are you sure that a good, kind person would be more open? If you say no and their feelings are hurt, is that really bad? Or your fault?

Are you sure you should be reacting differently than you are, now that you have clarity and appreciation for that person?

Do you really have to spend time with someone you don’t really like? Is it really unkind, or somehow BAD, to notice you don’t want to spend time with someone?

Hmmm. I find my answer is No.

Not absolutely true.

It’s amazing how strong the idea that I should be open to everyone and comfortable, kind, giving, loving, gentle and accepting of all of humanity, all the time.

Like Mother Theresa. Or Buddha. Or Jesus.

Although, I don’t think they “accepted” everyone constantly and had no opinions or preferences, ever. I can tell there is some sort of illusion going on here about what genuine “love” is supposed to look like.

I could be mistaken!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you shouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings, or that you HAVE hurt them?

How do you react when you think you should say yes, hang out, move in, stay together?

Oh lordy!

I smile, I have conversations I don’t even want to have, I talk with people when I’m bored, I feel powerless, anxious, nervous, torn.

I avoid people, I curl up in a ball on the inside. I make up excuses and say I’m not available for other reasons than “I don’t want to get together with you”.

I feel bad about myself, I attack myself for being passive, or pathetic.

So who would I be without the thought that I should like being with someone?

Without the thought that someone might hurt me, or be rude, or be demanding, or nasty, if I decline their company?

“Don’t pretend yourself beyond your own evolution.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d be so clear, it would be awesome. I’d be direct. Precise. Lazer. Efficient.

Without the thought, I’d feel free, able to change my mind, able to be myself, fully. This is true love. Open, liberated love.

Love where I have unconditional positive regard for both myself and for the other. I know everyone’s OK, whether we talk or not.

There is no obligation.

I turn these thoughts around, and try them on, finding genuine, authentic ways that these opposites could be just as true or truer:

  • I should say no with trust, and willingness to be hated—that person has the right to feel as they feel
  • If I say “no” I will heal their feelings
  • A good, kind person would NOT be open hanging out with anyone…a good kind person would choose wisely and always check in with themselves first and foremost
  • If I love that person, it doesn’t mean I ever have to spend time with them
  • it does NOT mean I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend – I might finally be clear about endings and beginnings

I don’t need anyone to like me. I don’t need anyone to approve of me.

I don’t need to say yes when I feel no.

“Someone says ‘you’re hurting me’ and if I believe that my life just tumbles into in-authenticity. I lose self-respect, and I blame them. I’m out of touch with myself, I blame them….This is about taking 100% responsibility for YOU.” ~ Byron Katie

Just keep doing The Work and see how you feel about those people who have really been over the top for you, or made a major impact on your life.

If it’s not right to invite them over, then it’s not.

And one day, you may find, they can be in your presence and you aren’t afraid at all, because you’ve made peace with yourself.

Much love, Grace

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Should You Be There By Now?

The difference between looking at your life in a macro, high altitude what-is-the-meaning-of-my-life way, and looking at it in the day-to-day buy-groceries-do-the-laundry way can feel huge.

Since I was on “spiritual” retreat lately I spent time contemplating the great question “who am I?”

I also contemplated my writing and how much longer it was going to take to finish my book on ending disordered eating and addiction with self-inquiry.

Which I thought would be done by now.

It’s like my mind would pop over to the issue of when, how and where I would fit in time to get crackin’ at that project and FINISH it.

Some of my retreat companions had the same ideas about enlightenment.

They thought they’d be “awake” by now, given all their study of consciousness over many years.

That’s a funny and insidious little thought, that something should have happened by now that hasn’t actually happened yet.

  • I should have found a life partner by now
  • I should have lost weight by now
  • I should be over my addictive thinking by now
  • I should have made a coupla million by now
  • I should have discovered by perfect career by now
  • I should be famous by now
  • I should be enlightened by now

Even if you don’t believe it entirely, it can still be somewhat annoying just noticing that you aren’t quite where you thought you might be.

Not there yet.

I remember learning math in grade school and the idea that you can keep dividing a number by another number and although it gets close to zero, it never actually gets to zero.

How irritating!

The funny thing is….not ever getting there seems to be the way of life.

Even recognizing this, it’s so much fun to do The Work on some goal that is particularly irksome to you personally.

That thing you’re reaching for, that seems elusive or Not Quite It yet.

“I should be there by now”.

Is it true?

Yes! If I had pulled it together, completed the book proposal, and sent it out, then I’d be a) making more money, b) published, which I foresaw in myself since age 18, and c) able to finally rest.

The goal would be complete. I’d have cooked that one. I’d feel proud, accomplished, happy.

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that you should have that thing, be done with that project, have it done, be there? Are you sure it would mean you could finally rest?

Hmmm. Seems like it would be nice. Seems like it would be pleasant to stop the seeking, moving, forward motion, examination, reaching for that.

Yet I can’t absolutely KNOW that it’s true that if I DID complete this thing, that if it WAS finished, that I would be happy, resolved, secure, satisfied.

I might feel settled or thrilled for a few minutes, and then have new ideas.

That’s happened before.

So….no. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that I should have that or be there by now.

How do you react when you believe you should have done that, said that, arrived there, finished that by now?

Discouraged. Hopeless. Applying MORE energy and intensity. Wondering what’s missing. Ready to drive harder. Or else give up in despair.

With the thought, the mind races. Gets a bigger plan. Figures out a new approach. Regroups. Can’t rest.

With the thought, I’m aware of time passing. Hurry hurry hurry!

Ack. It’s very tiring.

So who would you be without the thought that you should have that, be there, or done that by now?

Without the thought that you should have finished that book, or gotten married, or had a kid, or finished your degree, or built a business empire, or become enlightened?

Suddenly, without those kinds of thoughts, there is this moment here, unfinished, not quite done yet, but all just fine.

I hear sounds, see this room, feel the temperature, notice this body, feel the pulse of being alive.

I have images in my mind of all these hopes, dreams, accomplishments, realized goals…..and this unfinished, open, infinite, wild moment of NOW.

Without the thought of the sadness of unfinished goals, there is empty space and quiet and somehow, inexplicably…there is joy. Right here.

  • I should NOT have found a life partner by now
  • I should NOT have lost weight by now
  • I should NOT be over my addictive thinking by now
  • I should NOT have made a coupla million by now
  • I should NOT have discovered by perfect career by now
  • I should NOT be famous by now
  • I should NOT be enlightened by now

How could this be as true, or truer, than thinking I should have made it by now?

How is it awesome, fabulous and exciting that I haven’t achieved these things, completed it, finished it, gotten over it, made it?

“As long as we think there is something to get (or something we’ve gotten that we need to hold onto, or identify with, or remain ever-mindful of), we will suffer. When it is recognized that there is literally nothing to get and no one to get it, that is freedom.” ~ Joan Tollifson

I love noticing that being here now without thinking that I know what’s best for me is so sweet, mysterious, and strange.

When I’m the ruler of the universe about what I should have by now (whatever that is) then I get very tense.

When I find advantages for NOT having it yet, whatever I think “it” is, then the journey is so exciting.

Like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, like the middle of the Lord of The Rings, like all epic tales, the adventure continues.

Without suffering.

“The reason that you are here, wherever here is for you, is because it is the only place that you can be right now.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the thought that I should have done that by now, I can finally rest.

Much love, Grace

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Surrender Shows Up At A Dinner Party

There is nothing like a small gathering of thoughtful, kind, dynamic people meeting to explore Whatever This Is.

I am on retreat with fellow journeyers in Tucson, Arizona right now. The sky is wide open, cloudless, with a half moon hanging brightly in it.

We’ve all just eaten dinner together creating a big delicious meal in the house kitchen I’m renting with another participant in this sangha, which means, loosely, spiritual support group.

The word sangha comes from the Buddhist term for monks and nuns and the community they created together.

Following dinner, several of us sat around the table, talking for hours.

For me, a very introverted person (yes it’s true despite the rumors)….hanging out with fellow humans communicating in a meaningful, happy, simple way where we’re together allowing the conversation to flow is something I don’t often do with more than one person.

If you start getting into over two people, I get a little giddy, or nervous, or over-stimulated.

This is where I used to expect wine or beer to be involved, like it was an automatic part of connecting with bigger groups for meals.

But our kitchen was filled with eight people, just being together to eat, and I watched myself stir fry vegetables and help create a feast.

All my companions probably don’t realize how rare it was for me to cook and serve.

My thoughts about cooking and preparing food have been pretty rebellious, or pretty filled with aversion.

I have been known to say I don’t cook, won’t cook, don’t like it, don’t want to do it, and will never.

I’ve always brought loaves of bread or salad to potlucks.

If someone starts talking about a recipe, I’m yawning in one minute.

And yet, here it was my turn, it turned out, to create with food for others, and there was no Should, Have To, Won’t. The mind amazingly did not have much to say about it.

An ordinary gathering, and yet not so ordinary.

Because I am different than I once was.

Through self-inquiry, investigation of thoughts, using the incredible tool called The Work, the way I interact with the world is completely changed.

What is deeply on the inside, that I perhaps kept buried or didn’t think was safe to share, is now out in the open or close to the surface.

I find myself curious and interested in what I do….I’m looking at this person called me and saying “oh look, what will she do now?” like it’s fun and entertaining.

And there are no stories that are set in stone, ever, anymore. Like “I hate to cook” or “I’m very shy” or “I need to sleep longer” or “life is hard” or “I don’t get what’s going on here, on planet earth”.

During our group time earlier in the day, with our teacher Stephen Bodian, something he said sparked me to think about dropping my stories of even awakening, enlightenment, awareness, what it takes to discover peace.

It can happen now. Or today. Or during a dinner party. Or cleaning your house. Or sitting quietly in the morning.

In an instant. Not in a lifetime of struggle and work.

It an happen the minute you ask yourself “is it true?”

I love The Work as it has given my mind steps to walk through, one by one, in order. Simple, simple, simple. Following the very simple directions.

And here I am, in pure easy gratitude, for this quiet moment, the smell of desert air, for the voices and people and eating dinner together before, feeling absolute joy.

“And when all the struggle ceases, we realize that the prison of our mind cannot hold us in anymore, because the prison was all along something we imagined into existence. And imagined things aren’t real, they don’t exist. But we could never really see this as long as we were fighting the phantoms of our minds. We needed the one thing that our imaginary minds could not bring about, could not fake or create: the genuine surrender of all struggle.” ~ Adyashanti

No need to control, plan, organize, push against, resist, be bolder than I am, less shy, different. No need to hope, grab, give up in a despairing way. No need to make sure other people are OK, or safe, or comfortable.

No need to have a huge epiphany, or change.

Over time, doing The Work and questioning thoughts of struggle, relaxation happens.

Surrender can show up at a dinner party.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you find you’re struggling with fear of death and physical pain, those can be biggies. I’d love for you to join me in the 6 week class Pain, Sickness and Death exploring our beliefs about these, about physical threats, starting in a couple of weeks on Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm.

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Come Do The Work Next Saturday

Quick Saturday announcement that it’s only one week until October 19th mini retreat in Seattle.

Gather together to do The Work, from start to finish, for four hours.

No experience necessary.

Find out why this is so incredible, for so many people all over the world, for releasing stress and dissolving emotional pain.

If you have lots of experience doing The Work you will get the opportunity to sit with a stressful, difficult situation in your life and investigate it from start to finish, giving yourself the time needed to do this.

As Byron Katie says…that’s why it’s called The Work.

Because it does require “work”.

Alive action. Presence. Quiet. Contemplation. Meditation. An open mind. The capacity to answer four powerful and profound questions.

The ability to stay, to stick with the process, to give yourself the gift of Not Doing anything except have a conversation with your own mind.

“The Work only works if you answer the questions.” ~ Byron Katie

Come join a small group for Saturday afternoon inquiry.

Four Continuing Education Units offered for all mental health professionals in Washington State through the Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work.

First timers $70, second time or more only $55.

Facilitation, guidance, learning The Work, stepping through the process, getting the chance to facilitate yourself, delicious snacks, and all materials included in the fee.

Much love, Grace

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That Terrible, Embarrassing Situation

Recently I was driving my car, the wind shield wipers flapping back and forth on high as the rain pelted down.

I was alone with my thoughts and the unfolding road in front of me, in the city with lots of cars, tail lights, motors, movement.

In the silence of the car interior I found myself considering the topic, as I have done so many times before, that I offer to all the participants in the fifth week of the Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Shame, Embarrassment and Guilt.

No big deal, just a little topic. Heh heh.

Suddenly, I had the thought to revisit an embarrassing situation in my past, and do some sleuthing for what was going on, what I believed, that produced guilt, or that sick feeling that I was doing something wrong.

This is what all the participants get to do as well. It’s not easy. It can make us feel bad, just remembering the situation.

We’d like to forget about it! Not go into it in more detail! Jeez!

But I know that bringing that situation to mind in the most crystal clear way possible is the way to understanding, to truth.

As I saw the situation in my mind, a 5 minute moment from the past, I allowed it to freeze, like stopping the film in a movie.

Yep, that’s a situation I felt really guilty about. Got it. Yuck. I wouldn’t want anyone, ever, to see this movie.

Too embarrassing.

Now that I have the awful moment…..the terrible situation….I take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Here’s the interesting part.

I focus on the other person, or people, involved.

Yes, the vicious thoughts against myself are flying around like a thousand bees, but focusing on the self-condemnation won’t necessarily bring peace.

If you can, direct your attention outward, to who or what was present that contributed to this embarrassing situation.

Later on, when I wasn’t driving anymore, I slowly wrote down all my concepts on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

I wanted her to stop pushing me, asking me. I wanted her to not allow her feelings to run rampant. I wanted her to be sober. She should have known better. She should have stopped. She should have cared about me. I needed her to be calm, wise, sincere, honest and supportive. She was crazy, pushy, selfish, grabby, a liar, falsely flattering me. I don’t ever want to hurt other people by colluding with someone like that again.

I point my finger at her, even though in this state of shame, I feel the finger pointing also at myself.

Now….I can do The Work.

Is it true that she should have known better, that she should have been different, that everything would have been OK without her being that way?

Yes! The whole entire thing could have been avoided, I’m sure of it! I was horrible in that situation, too…but without her being so crazy, and demanding, things would have gone MUCH BETTER!

Can I know this, absolutely? Am I sure?

No. Sigh.

How do I react when I think all those thoughts about that other person? All those terrible thoughts about me?

I replay the scene in my mind and wish I could undo it. I want to erase the past.

Hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did?

Who would I be without the belief that she was to blame, I was to blame, someone was to blame, that Reality Sucked in that situation back then?

Wait a moment. Let that sink in.

Really?

Without the thought that the whole thing was wrong, bad, harmful, sucky?

I’m sitting still for awhile, images running through my head, looking around the room.

Then I notice tears flowing down my cheeks. Great huge tears of cleansing grief. I’m not even sure why. Beyond mind.

No one evil. No one unsafe. No one wrong?

The cork taken out of feeling the shame, humiliation, anger, sadness, loss, repression.

Freedom to see completely that everyone did the best they could at the time, and it was all good enough.

Turning the thought around, I sit with that situation, the memory, and feel it as right, good, supportive, and loving.

Can I see that as true, or truer?

Yes.

“Our imagination is a very powerful force in determining what we perceive. If we imagine that the world is teeming with evil forces, we will surely perceive the world as evil. But if we imagine the world to be essentially good, we will perceive it as good. Either way it is the same world that we are looking at.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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Peace Requires Only One Person–You

The other day an acquaintance, who I only know from a monthly meeting we both attend, said to me while filling me in on her recent long travels “Now, I can’t even button up my pants, the food was so good, I’m such a pig, ugh.”

People say disparaging things about themselves all the time, but my ears especially hear the ones where they are self-critical about their weight.

I often feel momentarily stumped on how to respond.

If she could only see herself through my eyes! I saw someone worried yet capable, curious and interested in another way, in that moment.

Some of us know folks who say mean things out loud about themselves all the time: she’s my better half, I was such an idiot, I never remember the important things, I’m horrible at directions, get me around some chocolate cake and its absolutely gone, I can’t keep that stuff in my house….

….or what about our children? There they are with big crocodile tears rolling down their cheeks saying “I can’t do it! It’s too hard!”

There is a term “My heart goes out to her”.

I see a heart leaving my body and shooting over to that other suffering person, like the way the Jack-In-The-Box jumps out of the box.

BOINNNNGGGGG!

Then tears well up in the throat, a feeling of warmth and speed throughout the whole torso (maybe where the heart used to be, who knows).

Hand-wringing, sadness, I need to help, this person shouldn’t feel bad.

Examining that feeling, and seeing the connected thoughts, is a great exercise in understanding how to change your experience of Other People’s Pain.

Because it’s not peaceful. I’d rather my heart was back here, inside me.

Afterall, I need it to stay alive!

  • they are suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing
  • I need to comfort them
  • I should say something soothing
  • I should say something that gets them to calm down, stop being critical, changes their perspective
  • they should see that they are capable
  • they need support of SOME kind, if not me, they really do need help

This doesn’t mean that doing these things is not appropriate, natural or loving in those moments….

….it’s just watching yourself move into any kind of panic, nervousness, worry or sadness along with that person.

Is it true that this person, who is feeling bad, complaining, uncertain, scared, or even suicidal….is it true that they need help from me, from someone, right now ASAP?

Is it true that if they don’t get help, it will get worse, or the very worst WILL happen?

Yes! Something’s gotta give! This can’t go on! That person has been suffering on and off for most of their life!

Isn’t it obvious?

Hmm. Is it really true that they need help, or that you know what kind?

Is this person really a victim?

No. I can’t absolutely know that this is true.

So how do you react when you believe that they really need help, they should stop being so self-defeating, they must have support…or else…?

Oh the pain!

I’m sad! I think about them, even when they are not here. I might even think of them in the middle of the night.

I brainstorm solutions. I go through the list in my mind of who might be the best “helper”. I think things like “that person should do The Work!!” 

Yikes! It is very, very stressful!

Who would you be without the beliefs that they are not capable, they are a victim, there is a problem here that needs to be solved, that there suffering must be stopped…immediately!?

Watching, interested, focused, attentive. Looking at life unfolding itself, in the form of that person, in that moment.

Noticing that something comes to me to say, or not.

Aware that support is alive…everywhere. I’m not the one running things. I have no idea that this path is the “wrong” one for that person.

Without the thought, I also notice that I don’t flip to the opposite spectrum of reaction, either…the infamous “cut-off” approach….the “you’re a loser so I’m dropping you forever” approach.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I am suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing as I look at them this way
  • I need to comfort myself, I do not need to comfort them
  • I should not say anything
  • I should say what is true in this present moment
  • they should not see that they are capable, I should see that they are capable
  • they have support of all the universe, they don’t need my personal help unless I can easily and peacefully give it

“True autonomy is not trying to fit in or be understood, nor is it a revolt against anything. It is an uncaused phenomenon. Consciously or unconsciously all beings aspire to it, but very few find the courage to step into that infinity of aloneness.” ~ Adyashanti

To find out who I really am without the belief that my heart goes out to someone…..in a painful, sad, stressed, desperate way.

Incredible. Mystery. Infinity of Aloneness.

All is well. Maybe not as scary as you thought.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Throw Away Holiness, Wisdom, Morality and Justice

The first time I offered a teleclass for people wanting to do The Work on Sexuality (the next one starts on Mondays 10/21 by the way) I had lots of tentative but hopeful emails.

People asked questions like “Will it really be OK to share my judgments with perfect strangers?” or “What will we be discussing exactly?” or “I want to work on this with my husband…but it feels too private to talk about”.

Doing The Work on any judgment is difficult. Add sexual contact to the mix and its even harder.

But I’ve heard incredible work, right up on stage with hundreds of people in the audience, from courageous inquirers who sat with Byron Katie and looked at their troubling beliefs about sexual expression.

If you’re like me, you may have been raised in a family and culture in which we don’t talk about anything having to do with sex, except maybe in whispers with someone you really trust.

I don’t know about you….but not being able to even say a word that had to do with sex was pretty stressful….since it seemed like a lot of people might bethinking about it.

I love having every life situation be available for investigation with inquiry.

Even that moment when you were wondering, feeling, imagining, fantastizing something frightening or something pleasant.

The interesting thing about sexuality is that it really isn’t that different from any other topic when it comes to inquiring into the moment that brings on stress.

It’s a wonderful venue for asking questions about attraction, rejection, saying yes, saying no, noticing what you desire or find repulsive….

….the very same kinds of questions we experience every day when it comes to pleasure, desire, needing, wanting, love, food, money, friendship, work, hunger, thirst.

A thought comes along, then an impulse to do something, get something.

If it’s all beautiful and peaceful and loving, then you know it. It all feels good, and kind.

But sometimes those impulses or thoughts feel like commands or orders.

I MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, NOW.

The first step is to bring to mind a situation that felt worrisome, annoying, where you felt mixed up or nervous, bad about your attraction or someone else’s attraction….that’s the stressful situation.

I have one in mind.

While this situation is not uncommon and it appears to be alive since humans existed….it is nevertheless a source of great judgment and angst.

I felt attraction towards someone while being clearly and solidly in a committed relationship with someone else.

It was like I was committing a sin deserving of crushing punishment.

Why couldn’t I just be happy with my primary partner?

I thought all kinds of terrible, frightening thoughts:

  • if my partner knew I was attracted to someone else, he would be sad, disappointed, rejected
  • if this came out into the open, my life would change for the worse
  • this means I’m not monogamous, or happy
  • this means I’m sick, out of control, stupid, ignorant and could ruin my life based on physical attraction which means nothing in the long run
  • if my friends knew about this, they would lump me together with the “wrong” people like those affair-having people
  • people who act on their physical desires are not wise

Oh boy. Lots of very shaming thoughts.

Very good for inquiry.

Is it true that feeling physical attraction for another human MEANS that you’re unwise, being risky, hurting someone, sick, stupid, ignorant, creating disappointment, or wrong?

I mean, did I make that feeling of attraction arise?

This is really wonderful to consider.

I often thought that if I had a difficult feeling then I needed to fix it. Or act on it.

Do something. Satisfy it, change it, eliminate it.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t be attracted to someone, or that other people shouldn’t be attracted to whomever they are actually attracted to?

I protest. I feel fear. It feels like secrets are on the loose. My attractions, other peoples’ attractions…all dangerous. They could pop up at any moment, unexpectedly! Yikes!

How do I react when I believe that attraction needs to be controlled, that its wild and unruly and damaging is that I suppress it, keep it to myself….or I get afraid of it arising in other people?

They’ll go crazy if they get attracted…to other people or to me! It will be like Romeo and Juliet, destructive, sad, horrible, too much, painful.

People kill themselves over this stuff.

So who would I be if I didn’t believe the thoughts that having a feeling of attraction means I’m wrong, or anyone else is wrong?

Without the feeling that it needs to be satisfied, or acted on, or deleted, or fixed?

What if its just there, a feeling of great pleasure, washing through the mind, flowing through the body?

Without the thought that there’s anything wrong with having a feeling of attraction, I notice there is no need for secrets, no need to keep it locked down.

I’m enjoying myself. No need to act.

I notice attraction comes and goes and is never static.

I notice attraction has no concern for what the mind things it “should” feel attraction for.

Without the thought that feeling attraction is bad, I feel free. My heart feels joyful.

And I notice beyond all identity, I have no idea what I am, because there is an alive attraction for so many beautiful people of all ages, sizes, genders.

When I turn the thought around I find how true it is that an attraction I feel is good, and right.

And so is that other person’s attraction, whether directed towards me or directed towards someone else.

Good that all the waves of appreciation, attraction, pleasure are flying through the universe.

  • if my partner knew I was attracted to someone else, he would be happy, encouraged, interested
  • if this came out into the open, my life would change for the best
  • this doesn’t mean I’m not monogamous, or happy
  • this means I’m healthy, in control, brilliant, wise and could expand my life based on physical attraction
  • if my friends knew about this, they’d have their opinions
  • when I act on my physical desire, it is not wise

“You’re having sex with him in your mind and thinking how terrible [or how good] that is. You tell the story, over and over, of what it’s like having sex with your husband. That story is what’s repelling you, not your husband. Sex without a story has never repelled anyone. It just is what it is. You’re having sex or you’re not. It’s our thoughts about sex that repel us.” ~ Byron Katie 

Not having a nervous reaction about a feeling of sexual attraction, not going into fantasies or hallucinations, not using thoughts to repel or attract myself, or make myself wrong or right?

Oh, how lovely. How peaceful. How exciting!

What if you are OK, just the way you are, with your attraction, wondering, curiosity, watching, noticing, being, allowing?

What if you can trust who you are at the core?

“Throw away holiness and wisdom, and people will be a hundred times happier. Throw away morality and justice, and people will do the right thing. Throw away industry and profit and there won’t be any thieves. If these aren’t enough, just stay at the center of the circle and let all things take their course.” ~ Tao Te Ching #19

The teleclass our Wonderful Sexuality begins Monday, Oct. 21st and I am taking registrations for both 8 am and 5:15 pm Pacific time. Maybe only one of those times will be when the class actually meets, so write and let me know which one you’d prefer.

Much love, Grace

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Could I Be Wrong About Myself?

Feeling remorse about your own behavior is a horrible feeling. It hits you in your body, your stomach, and in your feelings and thoughts like a dark sticky cloud.

Not long ago I was working with a woman who had the same bulimia behaviors I used to have. Going on these eating frenzies, consuming frantically, and then forcing herself to vomit once she couldn’t hold any more.

As I sat in my quiet cottage, on skype, hearing this woman’s words and sadness (which I’ve done many times with many clients) I remembered vividly the strange trance of addiction with food.

It can be any addiction really.

The urge seems to enter into your world and take over, like a magical evil fog.

Then the actual behavior, so destructive and painful. Sometimes like a tornado, sometimes violent, sometimes getting up and going back to the fridge for a little more, and then a little more, so many times until being stuffed.

Then later, I’d wake up after the whole nightmare was over and have some period of rest….before the next time.

No matter what it is you did when you feel regret, it’s pretty stressful…but when you’ve engaged in addictive behavior of some kind like overeating…your sense of esteem after the whole episode is over can be absolutely horrendous.

I did it again. I’m such a loser. I’m so weak. I’ll never change. No one would love the real me, that does this. I’m greedy, selfish, wrong. I deserve to die. 

There are tons of other activities that seem to enter the human experience of addiction.

Eating, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, cleaning the house compulsively, watching screens/videos/TV, shopping, pornography, lying, betting.

All of them offer a phase of reflection, when the behavior or activity is completed for the moment, and regret and remorse enters the scene.

It felt like I was my own worst enemy, but it was super heavy in those moments after the current storm passed. Before the next one.

I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t take this cycle anymore. If it kept going, I would prefer to die!

The thing about these terrible moments is that there is tremendous emphasis and focus on how terrible we are…..and it hides some other really, really important stressful beliefs.

Even when what you did wasn’t all that bad, but it’s something you promised you wouldn’t do again.

You procrastinated, you bought another music CD, you yelled at your kid, you ordered another book.

In that moment, when normally you’ve hated yourself, see if you can dig in and find some other beliefs, even if the ones that are against you are screaming loudly, that were happening BEFORE you went on your raving trip into mind-altering behavior.

Often, there is something that scared you. Something that made you really mad (also fear). Something that made you sad (fear of loss). Something that made you uncomfortable (fear again). Something that made you giddy (huge excitement, kinda feels like fear).

Bingo.

If you can find one thing you were afraid of a few hours ago, right before you had the idea to go on a binge, right before you decided you had to have a cigarette.

If it wasn’t before, don’t even worry much about that.

Just notice what you think of as scary in your life.

The client I was working with noticed one thing she was afraid of in those evening moments, alone in the house, hours before bedtime, when she felt like eating everything in sight.

Empty space.

Then her mind would start to think about what she should be doing, from cleaning the bathroom to developing her career and earning more money, to finding a mate.

It was easier to start snacking.

But, not really.

It is not easier to avoid your thoughts. It is not easier to avoid your feelings. It is not easier to pretend that your thoughts aren’t bothering you.

It is easier to notice that you are a believer of very painful beliefs.

And investigate if they are true.

I found that actually, it’s your only choice.

“People who aren’t interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right. But that apparently rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me’ is not a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

In that moment, when your head comes up out of the water and you’ve stop eating, or spending, or you wake up sober….

….can you even consider the turnarounds to be as true or truer than your thoughts about how awful you’ve been.

I did it again. Some part of me is losing, and that’s OK. I’m so powerful. There is a central part of me that never changes (good), and I have the power to change at any second. The whole world loves me, even when I’ve done my crazy behaviors. I’m greedy for love and joy (good), I’m selfish and that is appropriate, I’m afraid. I deserve to live. 

What is this moment, this thought, this experience offering me? There is a gift.

Yes, even in this painful moment.