Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Being Upset About A Flawed Body

Have you ever looked at pictures of yourself and felt that clench inside of disappointment, or shock, or pleasant surprise that you look like that?

Some of us have friends who are always putting up their hand when someone takes out their camera or phone to take a picture. They’re done with all that.

They don’t ever want to look at themselves frozen in a moment in time…it might produce a really harsh inner criticism, or fear of some kind.

Once I heard a friend recount finding photos of herself in high school when she was only 17.

All these years later, at age 48, she looked back at her previous self and remembered how at that time, in her own mind, she had thought of herself as ugly with fat thighs and pimples.

Here in the present, she was looking at herself and noticing how beautiful the image was of that teenager.

Then I heard her say “Now, I really AM overweight, and my face is so wrinkled! I didn’t have a clue back then! I should have appreciated myself!”

I thought with compassion, isn’t it strange that in the present moment, whenever the present moment is, she doesn’t view herself as beautiful.

The pattern repeats.

Even if you like seeing photos of yourself sometimes, and you think “hey, not bad” it often causes an inner reflection or awareness to present itself.

You see for a moment this body, this face, called “you” from an outside perspective. Maybe more like others see you.

It’s funny that as we walk around, move here and there, we are almost always seeing what appears to be beyond us, outside of us…mostly in front of us.

We see with these eyeballs, and they look out and forward.

But as soon as you think about it, you notice there is much more here than meets the eye….as the wonderful phrase goes.

Douglass Harding, who lived a long life and died in 2007, wrote about this in his wonderful book “On Having No Head”.

His work brought about his approach to understanding reality and consciousness, called the “Headless Way”.

Hilarious!

Here I am walking about, and all I see is arms, hands, feet, legs, torso.

Definitely No Head.

Even when I’m looking at a photo image of apparently whatever is me in this lifetime at one particular moment, I am looking only at an image.

I’m looking at a piece of paper. Or a reflection in a mirror.

If I close my eyes, I get to feel all that is there that doesn’t “meet the eye”.

I love that one way to study this, is with The Work. Inquiry into that moment of the clench, when you’re looking at a photo of you (or in the mirror) and you judge it as flawed.

“What I see is flawed.” 

Let’s examine this thought. First, is that true?

YES. I used to look better. I used to have smooth, tight skin. YES. I always wanted curly hair, darker skin, muscular legs.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that the image you see represents flaws, that it is an image of a flawed physique?

No.

Even if you answer this question with “yes”….keep going with inquiry.

How do you react when you believe the thought that what you see is flawed?

Discouraged. Afraid of aging and dying. Worried about being rejected. Thinking I’m not good enough. Angry at “this society” for caring so much about appearance. Full of blame or confusion.

Who would I be without the thought that this body is flawed?

Why, I would be the way I am almost all of the time when I’m going about my life in the world….all those times I don’t think about it because I can’t actually even see it.

Without the thought, I realize that I myself only see all the other heads, and bodies, not this one, most of the time.

I can give myself this one moment, where this image HAS come across my path, to love that image, to find it curious, to not think I know what is flawed or perfect.

I turn the thought around, as I stare at this image called me. “What I see is not flawed, it is exactly as it should be.” 

Can you find real, living examples of why what you are seeing should be just the way it is, and no different?

Seeing this image, I remember that this body is very temporary, it is decaying and will dissolve. I am reminded of something that is far, far beyond a body, that is different from this physical thing.

This reflection is as it should be, with wrinkles and blotches and bumps and lumps and sags. Could I just say “oh goodie” for a change?

Oh goodie, I don’t have to live here forever even though I do love it here (on planet earth). Oh goodie, there’s no point in putting on make up, it makes no difference, and I always found the whole make-up thing a bit boring. Oh goodie, all I have to do is relax.

Oh goodie, what I see is not ME anyway.

Perhaps it is my thinking that is flawed, in the moment I feel resistant to seeing myself, the moment I worry about physical flaws.

“You are divine at centre, human in appearance – at a certain range. Seeing who you really are doesn’t mean you are no longer aware of your appearance, no longer self-conscious – that’s impossible as well as undesirable. So you still respond to your name, still recognize yourself in the mirror, still take responsibility for your actions. Of course. But you are now aware that your humanity is like a disguise, an incarnation you have taken on to be here in this world.” ~ Douglas Harding

Look in the mirror today, and stay there, reviewing especially any flaws, and see why you want them to go away….you may be surprised.

“When we know we’re going to die, when we really get that, in that moment we realize that we’re not in control. And then we get to watch. We get to watch this beautiful way of it. And love it..” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Mini Retreat To Help Answer The Questions

Just yesterday I was telling a physical therapist working with me about what I do for a living.

We only had a few minutes…I had to distill down self-inquiry, The Work, investigation of reality in 3.5 minutes or a few short sentences.

I was lying on my back on a table, and she was leaning on my leg with my foot up towards the ceiling, stretching out the hamstring….the whole leg was shaking.

I told her that the idea was to consider a situation that creates stress in your life…there could be many, but you think about just one.

(The stretch was almost killing me, but not QUITE).

She nodded.

Then, I said, as you think about that one situation, I told her to identify a stressful concept that you really believe is true.

She stayed with me so far. And kept pushing and leaning on my leg.

“Like, the thought ‘he shouldn’t have said that!'” she asked?

Perfect!

Then I said, OK, so here are the four questions you then ask yourself, about that stressful concept.

1) Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know its true? 3) How do you react when you think that thought? 4) Who would you be without that thought?

Her eyes grew wide, and then she said “HOLY COW THAT IS REALLY COMPLICATED, I mean, those are HUGE QUESTIONS! How can you even answer that??!”

I laughed! Yes, so true!

She told me to sit up and we were done. Appointment over!

Bam, she was gone.

These are indeed big, wide, expansive questions that almost seem crazy if you’ve never asked them before.

I loved that moment, aware of how spectacular the fourth question is, asking who you would be without believing that thought?

Most of us have never even considered this before.

And yet, we CAN answer these questions.

Just thinking about how you would answer them, simply considering them, is a huge step in itself.

Seriously, my journey started with looking at the first question: Is It True?

I made a face like I smelled something bad when I first heard that question.

WHAT?

You talkin’ to me?

Yes, I am.

YOU can answer these questions. And see what happens.

If you’re totally puzzled, and it’s easy enough for you to come to a Saturday afternoon in Seattle for four hours of contemplating these questions, letting the process sink in, practicing moving all the way from beginning to end of The Work…

…then come on over to a lovely afternoon of inquiry on October 19th.

That is two weeks from today, exactly.

Only two more mini retreats this year: 10/19 and 11/30.

Treat yourself to time to answer some REALLY HUGE QUESTIONS!

Amazing things can happen when you do.

If you live really far away from Seattle, then stay tuned. There are group teleclasses coming up….and the next YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group starts in January (limited to 12).

Getting It Now
“When I first encountered The Work I thought it was BS, to be quite honest. It seemed like some weird flip-your-thinking scheme and I couldn’t relate. But I kept running into people who mentioned The Work—all right already! I took a class with Grace and it’s never been the same. She is so patient, compassionate, and truly a living example of The Work in action. I flew across the country to do an in-person with her. I say try it, you got nothing to lose except your stress.” ~ Rhode Island 

Much love, Grace

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I Should Be Loving? Not True

I should….I need to….I have to….I will….

Most of us know from experience that ordering ourselves around doesn’t seem to work too well.

I’ve spoken with many people who have given up making New Year’s resolutions, or who have stopped putting themselves diets, or who have allowed more time for quiet in their lives where they make zero plans.

But one tricky, tricky little place of the shoulds, need-to’s, have-to’s, and making plans for turning over a new leaf or mapping out your goals is in Being Spiritual.

I shall explain.

After doing The Work for awhile, probably at least a couple of years, I had a major revelation.

There was one individual who I didn’t really have much trouble with. But I didn’t exactly like her or want to be her friend.

Her voice bothered me. I would describe it as “plastic”.

I would see her regularly at a board meeting. If she started talking I would get a sort of feeling inside like oh-lord-when-will-she-stop?

After doing self-inquiry on it a couple of times I found, back then, that I definitely judged her for being too cutesy, bright and smiley….

…..because I myself had been cutesy, bright and smiley sometimes when inside I felt angry, upset and like frowning.

In other words, I absolutely found the turnarounds to be as true, that as I looked at her, the fake-nice thing I perceived in her that came out in her voice was actually something I had done, many times.

And then it dawned on me that I expected myself to be drawn to her, consider her a friend, and say “yes” to her if she asked me out for tea.

I had believed for a very long time in the following shoulds/needs/have-to’s/ and that I ought to “will” myself to be more spiritual:

  • I should love everyone
  • I need to be nice, soft, unassuming, humble
  • I should say “yes” if people ask me to spend time with them
  • I have to be polite, say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry
  • I will pray, meditate, read spiritual books and get myself together as a loving, enlightened, good human
  • I should at LEAST accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them)
  • I shouldn’t be so nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy (even on the inside)
  • I need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less
  • I have to be spiritual!

The bumper sticker did not say “What would Grace Bell do?”

It said “What would Jesus do?!”

Because what I would do was mundane, or stupid, not quite good enough! Or unloving! Or selfish! I must train, train, train in spiritual endeavors!

Phew!

So let’s take a look.

I need to love (or accept) everyone.

Is it true?

Yes! That would be awesome! A loving person would not hate someone’s voice. How petty is that? Jeez, get it together!

Is it true that you should not have preferences, that you shouldn’t be repulsed, or attracted to people?

Is it true that you should love everyone?

A spiritual teacher called Mooji once said during a satsang that when Jesus went into the temple where people were busy selling things, which he found disgraceful, he was not exactly there to be loving.

Word has it that Jesus knocked over the tables of the merchants.

Gandhi called for the British to withdraw from India and led a huge national protest.

Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus.

Well, now that you put it that way….

…..No, it’s not absolutely true that every moment I should love and accepteveryone.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I should?

I notice that I have a limited definition of “love” and “acceptance”.

I think it’s supposed to look sweet, kind and gentle. I think it’s supposed to mean saying “yes”.

When I believe that I should be “loving” I am thinking I should not be angry. I should not interrupt. I should send cards. I should say please and thank you.

When I believe the thought that I ought to loving and accepting, I don’t speak up, I avoid people who bring up negative feelings inside me.

I also think everyone else around me should feel happy and good, in my presence!

I get up out of my seat on the bus because that’s the way everyone has done it and I don’t want to cause a ruckus.

When I believe that I should be loving and I think I already know what loving looks like, I don’t say “No, I do not want to talk to you. No, I don’t want to go out with you” when that’s what is really true for me.

So who would I be without the thought that I should love everyone? That Ishould be accepting at all times?

I would be free to be myself….not someone different.

I would be here, today, in this body, in this personality, noticing that I really find that woman’s voice over there unpleasant.

I also don’t like heavy metal.

Without the demand that I should love everyone, I’m back over here in my own business, noticing that I like blue more than red.

I turn these thoughts around about love and acceptance, and notice, this is real, wild, open freedom:

  • I should NOT love everyone, when I don’t
  • I need to be abrasive, hard, strong, forthright, fiery
  • I should say “no” if people ask me to spend time with them and I don’t want to
  • I have to be honest, and say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry only when these are TRUE
  • I pray, meditate, read spiritual books because I am already a loving, enlightened, good human….and none of these things are necessary
  • I do accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them) and it doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them or like them
  • I should be nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy–these qualities bring awareness, they are fascinating!
  • I only need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less if these things arise naturally
  • Everything I am IS spiritual!

“No one who thinks ‘I should love myself’ knows what love is. Love is what we are already. So to think that you should love yourself when you don’t is pure delusion. Isn’t the turnaround truer? ‘I shouldn’t love myself’. How do you know that you shouldn’t love yourself? You don’t! That’s it, for now. The truth is no respecter of spiritual concepts. ‘I should love myself’—ugh, on what planet? Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie

WOW! Not trying to be spiritual? Not trying to be loving and accepting? Just seeing what the actual truth is?

Yes.

Maybe a little scary at first, but it is OK. It’s very exciting.

You might start your own little personal revolution.

You might ask yourself with loving curiosity “What Would I Do?”

Much love, Grace

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Seeing Clearly Now With Money

In the past six months or so, I’ve had a handful of clients who live abundant lives financially, have really amazing careers (a doctor, a TV personality, a published author, a financial advisor, a psychotherapist) who have touched on some annoying or anxious thoughts about money.

I can’t make any changes in what I do, if I did…I would have less money, or no money. I have to make money. I have to keep this up. My security and comfort depends on my practice, my uniqueness, staying married, on working hard.

I used to think that people with really rockin’ careers (as in higher education and lots of work, or a thriving business) had it made.

They hit the Big Time, they were set. They could get on with other concerns, because this major one was handled.

But I realized that every single person I’ve ever worked with around money, who appeared to have it, often had the similar worries as those without it.

Last week I wrote a check to pay off my last loan (except for my house mortgage) after plummeting into debt like the Titanic about six years ago, when going through divorce.

This loan was a home equity line of credit. This is one of those loans that are offered in connection with your house. The bank lends you the money because they know that if you can’t pay, they’ll be able to take your house as back up.

Back when I had this open line of credit that I could spend, I used a small portion of it to make my garage into a room for my son…and then used the rest over a period of about 18 months to pay my regular house mortgage and buy food.

So, in other words…I used a loan on the house to pay for the house.

It would be like saying to a person who had loaned me money, “can I have another loan, so I can make monthly payments on the first loan that I already owe you?’

But at the time, it appeared to be the only option, since I went to probably 25 job interviews, still had no work, no health insurance, and my house wasn’t worth the original price, so even if I walked away and sold it, I still wouldn’t have been able to pay the debt.

Dang, that was rough!

I could have so easily foreclosed. But that’s not what happened (to read about what did happen, go to a previous Grace Note by clicking HERE).

What became clear is that the most peaceful, joyful, steady, solid way to be with all that terror about money, debt, security and loss was that I was supposed to pay off my debt, one dollar at a time if that’s what it took.

Clarity became NOT being concerned with the future, but instead feeling the beauty of the present moment, no matter what kind of worldly problems were screaming around me.

Instead of believing “I am doomed” and “it will take me forever to get out of this mess” or even “I have lost”…

…I questioned everything and kept taking one step at a time forward.

In fact, that’s all I COULD do.

I could question my thinking, look at the fearful beliefs, investigate the reality of money, houses, loans, jobs, income, employment, receiving, security…anything worrisome or stressful.

You may be someone who is not in emergency mode about money.

But I say, question your beliefs about it anyway. 

Just like all the clients I’ve mentioned who apparently have money, who noticed they still get worried about it.

You have to earn money….to have easy retirement, security in your old age, luxury in your daily life, vacations, so that you can give to your kids and friends, in order to be charitable.

You have to earn money so you never, never, ever, ever go into debt again…

…Is that true?

Yes! I will never stop! I will push, work hard, avoid vacations and free time, nose-to-the-grindstone! I will not quit! I will accumulate, gather, store, invest, and keep as much as possible, never letting up!

I will continue to advance my career! I must earn money! I must have money!

YIKES!

So yeah. Heh, heh. Does that sound stressful?

Because for me, it is, when I’m believing those thoughts. The clients with money noticed this as well.

Who would you be without the thought that you really need that money you have, you need to keep working at something that’s not very fun, you “have to” keep your money and not let it out of your sight, or be very careful with it?

Without these thoughts, I have space inside me. The world seems to be busy and active, and yet, I am still and quiet.

No stressful concern for the future.

All I know to do is be here, today, with a deep breath, relaxation, kindness to myself and to the reality moving around me.

I know when not to spend money or when to spend it, there is no compulsionto get, have, grab, store, give it away, do something.

I might store some away because it’s fun, because there’s nowhere else it needs to go at the moment. I might stop doing parts of my “work” because it isn’t meaningful, and I know to stop.

Without the stressful thoughts, I honor my own happiness. I have deep integrity with other people.

“The ideas in your head – the thoughts that tell you something about who you are and what you are worth – are ultimately illusory. It is illusory both when the thoughts are good, and when the thoughts are negative. The illusory nature can perhaps be more easily recognized when the thoughts become negative and cause suffering. Suffering can be an awakener.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Turning the thoughts around about needing to earn, maintain, have, give and keep money…

…I find that I do not need to. And, I am out of debt. That is a stunning, wonderful feeling. I am overjoyed. I have enough. I need very little. I continue to do what is next in front of me.

In these turnarounds, I free myself of illusion, even without massive suffering.

Or maybe because of massive suffering. I don’t know.

I can see clearly now.

Much love, Grace

P.S. The next 8 week Money teleclass isn’t scheduled yet, but stay tuned and watch the list below, always below Grace Notes emails, for the next one. I’d love to hear your favorite times/days, write me if you’d like to make a request!

 

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What is Happy For YOU?

If you’ve ever done The Work before, you’re familiar with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (check out this link HERE to get one right now).

It’s the first part of the work, where you actually identify what stressful thoughts are running in your head, and write them down.

However, there’s a pre-first-step BEFORE this one.

Before you do anything else, in order to narrow the field, weed out the thoughts, and get clearer on the jumble of stressful thinking going on in the mind….

….you bring to mind a stressful situation, a difficult time, a troubling person, a rough encounter.

Since no one has had a really constantly low-key, uneventful, peaceful life…you will remember many stressful situations, maybe hundreds.

But for this very first step? You pick just ONE.

You may have experienced loss, death, frustration at work, unbearable anxiety, a broken heart, an illness, a rough relationship, divorce, physical injury, fear about your kids….

….the list can be long, with many characters and issues and stories ofsomething being stressful.

But the best help in the world you can give yourself for deeply looking at your inner condition and getting yourself off the Stress Roller Coaster is to pick ONE TROUBLING SITUATION.

Even if it leaves out 852 other stressful topics. Just pick one for today.

Then, once you have a vision of that situation, the one that makes you frown, or feel sad, or hurt, or angry when you think about it….you fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Which brings me to the wonderful exploration I love: the fourth question on that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet!

What the heck would really, really, really make me happy, in that agonizing situation?

How would I have liked it to go, instead, if I got everything I needed?

The focus is on what would make YOU happy in this situation.

Not the other person, or other people, involved.

YOU.

Which brings us to the most fascinating exploration of all: what do we mean when we say “happy?”

I recently remembered something Byron Katie mentions from time to time. That we often imagine what we need or want, in difficult situations we’ve experienced, that would make us feel relief, safety.

We know what would make us happy in that difficult situation so that we would feel better.

But we don’t always consider what would make us ecstatic, life-changing, thrilled, joyful, complete, resolved, or truly happy.

I can relate.

Why go for all that wild, crazy unimaginable joy? I just want to feel OK and not so terrified, I’ll take what I can get.

If I could just feel some stress reduction, I’ll be OK. Beyond that I might never get true happiness, I might never achieve it.

I don’t want to dream of true happiness but NOT EVER get it in this situation!

It would be impossible to achieve it anyway! That situation happened in the past, it was terrible, and now its over! Happiness and that experience do not mix!

And yet….

….everyone has experienced a moment of true happiness. Just like the way we all have lived through stressful situations, we’ve lived through very happy ones.

I love remembering the joy of feeling satisfied, accepting, healthy, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, peaceful, trusting, or full of love.

On that question four on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, while you remember a painful situation…it’s wonderful to identify what you believe you really, really need in order to arrive at happiness.

It’s a golden key to discovering what you believe about happiness, and by comparison, see how that situation you’re thinking about didn’t match your idea of happiness.

If you’re having trouble remembering when you have felt full of happiness, watching this clip from one of my favorite all-time movies may inspire you.

Keep going, keep inquiring.

Happiness is present, here and now. Telling a joyful, happy story is possible, even when encountering the “worst” situations.

The moment of Happiness
The moment of Happiness

Much love, Grace

 

 

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Forgiveness All The Way To Thank You

Awhile ago I was out in the city and I ran into an old friend. We stood and talked awhile, traffic and noise zipping past, delighted to see each other.

She mentioned another mutual friend. Someone with whom I had experienced a great confusion and misunderstanding long ago.

From the conversation, I learned that this old friend, with whom I have not had contact in many years, is not feeling very happy.

In fact, he’s unhappy about the same things that he used to be unhappy about when I talked with him regularly.

I also learned that NO, this old friend from the past actually never mentions me, doesn’t seem concerned, and has moved on…..entirely.

I chuckled later.

What? You mean he’s not tormented inside, unresolved, wanting to address what happened, ready to make genuine amends, feeling guilty, wondering about MY life and how I’m doing?

You mean he never even thinks about what went down?!

Some people appear to be able to drop uncomfortable dynamics and let bygones be bygones.

Others of us….heh heh…might run into someone on the street one day and afterwards find ourselves thinking about some difficult and painful situation with someone we knew from twenty or thirty years ago…

….and have all the feelings well up as we recall the scene. We’re sad, angry, or frightened just remembering it, all over again.

We might not feel the full blown feelings to the same height and same intensity, but still…there’s a clench of melancholy.

That didn’t go well, that was a terrible experience, I’m glad that’s over, I could never be that person’s friend again, I don’t ever want to have a friendship end on a bad note again.

Even if the painful situation or exchange with someone was long ago, if it gives a little pinch of OUCH when you think about it, if it feels like you don’t really wish that person 100% joy, or there’s a little dig of feeling like it serves them right that they aren’t happy….

….then time for The Work.

Time for a little Mind Surgery.

As I think about that person, I call up the WORST, most awful, stressful, difficult moment with them.

When were my feelings the biggest, most shocked, most troubled? When was the hardest moment?

Here’s the funny thing. The WORST moment was when I was all alone, reading a piece of paper, when I learned something had been said about me, thought about me, believed about me.

Can I absolutely know it’s true that the moment I was having awareness that someone on the planet was not in favor of me, who I loved, that this was a TERRIBLE experience?

Can I really know that I don’t ever want to have a friendship like that ever again?

Am I sure it didn’t go well?

Amazingly, I am not sure.

It went the way it went, and I already know, from doing The Work on this before, that there were incredible advantages that came out of that experience.

I became more certain, clear and directed in my own personal life about money, friendship, commitment and saying “yes” or “no” than I had ever been in the previous forty years or so.

My personal integrity got really clean and crisp. I said goodbye to drama.

But now, revisiting this person in my mind, in my memory of them…even with all I learned from that experience, can I know that they are not worthy of my blessings, my gratitude, my acceptance?

What was that little dig inside that said “good!” when I heard he was unhappy?

Am I sure that I need to hold back my good wishes for their amazing life?

I think this is what Byron Katie means when she says “forgiveness is when you realize that what you thought happened, didn’t.” 

Who would I be without the thought that the person deserves to squirm with discomfort, or be unhappy?

I turn the thought around about how I feel NOW, in this moment, today, as I recall that person’s image in my mind.

He gave me the most incredible gift, I am grateful for that experience, he helped change my life for the better, he played a part for me so that I would make the climb to the high road, and take it.

Without that difficult person, I would never have stepped up to the plate and hit a home run.

That person and all the life circumstances line up and said “PLAY BALL!” And I did.

I learned about loss, acceptance, betrayal, forgiveness, honesty, reality, consequences, trust, and true love.

“Our nature is to love, and we’re believing these thoughts that are Horrors, so there’s opposition going, it’s duality. It’s simply how this wild ego stays identified, as ‘I am a victim of the world’…. if it’s a friendly universe, it’s gotta be a win-win, not a lose. This is tough work, and there’s only one thing tougher, and that is NOT finding resolution.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you, amazing friend. I wish you the best life ever, I wish you joy and freedom and success and deep happiness.

I am willing to go through something like that again, I look forward to going through something like that again.

No forgiveness needed.

Only thank you.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Just Sit There

This past weekend someone wrote to me asking what happened with food that made me go from anxiety-ridden anger around my relationship with eating….

….to enjoying it with the deepest gratitude, taking care of this body the best way I know, no fear, war over.

I woke up this morning thinking about that question. It was very, very quiet, no wind wildly blowing outside as it had been for nearly 24 hours. No wind chimes ringing.

Wild blowing and stormy rain pelting down, now turned to silence.

How would I sum up the Before and After, years of learning, contemplating, experimenting, failing, inquiring, and being in relationship with food?

I was working with a woman once who said that as soon as we started doing inquiry together, her binge-eating got worse.

I remember going through “bad” spells of eating. Like the volume was turned up to higher, I couldn’t give it a rest.

I would get distracted, my attention moving over to something else (finally) and doing some kind of other activity, enjoying friends, working, reading, seeing a movie, feeling entertained, moving physically….

…..when I’d have the idea to eat. I might be hungry, I might not.

How I ate didn’t seem to have a heck of a lot to do with hunger. It overlapped sometimes, but mostly how I ate had to do with what my MIND thought should or shouldn’t happen with food, not my body.

That mind can be so bossy!

But really, it was trying to help. When there’s a problem, the mind can get VERY INTERESTED in solutions.

To put it mildly.

However, when I look back at my previous self, the one with the eating problems, there were a few beliefs very solidly in place that I never even bothered to question at first.

Once I did, it was like breaking out of prison. One spoonful of dirt at a time…I’m not sayin’ it was instantaneous!

  • Empty time is frightening and mysterious, I should be doing something important or productive
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s dangerous…especially fear and anger
  • life is chaotic, unpredictable, strange…and this is bad
  • I am all alone when it comes down to it….also bad
  • lots of other people are suffering, unhappy and needy…I’m supposed to help them feel better or avoid them
  • I have to do it right: look right, live right, eat right, breathe right, think right, work right (and it’s impossible to be perfect)
  • the world is a dangerous, weird, chaotic place

Yikes! Not exactly a peaceful relationship with Reality, the World, this Universe.

The good news?

All of the beliefs don’t have to dissolve instantly for you or anyone to find some relief around food and eating.

Even just thinking about only one of these stressful concepts and asking yourself if it is absolutely 100% true, if you are SURE that This Situation (being on the planet) is creepy, uncomfortable, frightening or hard…

…might bring in some doubt about what’s going on around here.

You are not safe in this moment….is that true?

This quietness is uncomfortable, you are lonely, angry, outraged, scared…and you can’t deal with it….is that true?

How do I react when I believe a situation is dangerous, or frightening?

I work on protecting myself, I try not to think about it, I hide under the table, I smile when I’m actually very sad, I avoid other people, I’m not entirely honest, I don’t get support, I pretend I’m OK, I help others instead of me, I fill up the empty space of silence with eating food (or whatever other activity helps fill the void).

Who would I be without the thought that Things Are Dangerous or Scary? Or that things are off, unpredictable, disappointing?

Without the thought that food, people, bodies, eating or any of it is wrong, was wrong before, or will be wrong in the future?

I am willing to be with empty, unknown, wild, mysterious space. I notice that the present moment is not so bad after all.

I notice how safe I am in this second, because I’m here.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place, or life is risky then I feel kind, loving, patient, surrendered.

I’m waiting, open, resting. So much more relaxed.

I don’t feel like eating. My craving fades away.

I turn my beliefs around to the opposite, to try them on. They could be just as true, or truer.

  • Empty time is exciting and mysterious, just being here is important and productive, without having to DO anything
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s wonderful and thrilling…especially fear and anger (or could those feelings be love and power?)
  • life is loving, predictable, familiar…and this is fabulous
  • I am not alone when it comes down to it….also fabulous!
  • lots of other people are joyful, happy and satisfied…I’m supposed to helpmyself feel better when I’m with them all
  • there is no “right” way: I am succeeding
  • the world is a friendly, unusual, brilliant , trusting place

There’s wild wind, then it stops, then there’s silence, and then there’s a breeze again.

Am I all right, whatever the weather?

“Just sit there right now, don’t do a thing. Just rest. For your separation from God, from Love, is the hardest work in this World. Let me bring you trays of food and something that you like to drink. You can use my soft words as a cushion for your Head.” ~ Hafiz

Inquire, relax, rest and eating food (and those compulsive activities) fall away, fall into place, fall into emptiness.

Love, Grace

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Pain Brings The Most Alluring Thing

Yesterday I had a moment when in about 10 seconds I had the thoughts: “it’s all over from here…there will be a time I can never dance again…I have a limited time left on the planet”.  

I was feeling hip pain. From my gymnastics move about a month ago.

The right hamstring was injured, but now the left hip hurts since I’ve been favoring it, walking kinda weird, and ignoring it half the time.

Through my mind ran the following thoughts:

  • this pain will never go away
  • the writing’s on the wall…if hips are hurting, I’m on my way to the end
  • I have to finish my book before I croak! Quick!
  • I’ll never see my kids’ in their old age (so weird the way that works)
  • I need more time
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead

Then I thought about the great sage Ramana Maharshi for about ten minutes, as I have many times before, and his story of at age 16, lying down on the floor and pretending he was dead, just to see what it felt like.

BOOM. He saw what he was without a body.

So where’s my ecstatic “boom”? Seeing who I am without a body is kind of attractive at the moment!

I’m way older than 16 and I don’t have to pretend really, to get the sense that it’s over soon, and I’m going to be dead at some point.

But it pretty much feels like I’m stuck in this sack of flesh, for now, to put it bluntly.

Not that I hate the body…in fact, it’s genius, kind, accepting, miraculous and completely fascinating. Hurts, heals, changes.

Off and on throughout the day I feel the dull pain and I think about who I am before my parents were born, the zen koan.

I’m not even TRYING to concentrate on seeing from the perspective of No Body and Who-I-Truly-Am and all that rot. Yet, I’m thinking about this anyway!

There’s that silly mind again. On the job attempting to figure it out.

The voiceover from an old TV ad for Trix Cereal comes in, where the rabbit is doing everything he possibly can to get that awesome cereal, and he just can’t seem to outwit the situation and have what he wants.

The rabbit tries many maneuvers….and then discovers that he’s been trying to get something that is actually not possible for him to “get”.

Because he’s a rabbit. 

“Silly Rabbit”, the children say when they realize he’s been up to multiple shenanigans trying to acquire their cereal….“Trix Are For Kids!” 

Silly Mind! Awareness is not for you! 

But what IS for the mind, thank goodness, is The Work. At least, so far this mind seems to delight in it.

This mind (and yours probably, too) just LOVES to answer questions.

So let’s take a look at the troubling little thoughts about the body that have appeared from this message of pain apparently originating in a human hip.

Are these thoughts actually true that have been streaming through this mind? That the pain will never go away and it’s all downhill from here?

Well, I could be completely pain free (in fact, come to think of it right in this moment, on the same day only a few hours later as I write, I don’t feel pain).

And no, I don’t have to finish my book before I croak, or see my kids in their old age.

And it’s possible I don’t need more time….and it’s absolutely true that one day I won’t enter the dance studio anymore.

I mean, I am going to die….at least the physical body will.

But what if all this wasn’t a BAD BAD thing?

I mean, how I react when I believe these thoughts, and believe they are alarming, is that I am instantly afraid, nervous, planning, calculating, and grasping at all kinds of strategies for softening this situation, either emotionally, mentally or physically.

I’m the rabbit BEFORE he finds out the tricks are not for him. Ha!

Without the thought, however, that any of this pain, injury, change, death, departure or ending is terrible in the great big scheme of things….

….wow.

I am so curious, and interested in All This, including whatever Pain appears to be. (Is it energy? What is it?)

I remember that every time I enter the dance studio, I am different, so I’ve already lived the story of having no dance ever be repeated.

Without the thought, I see there is nothing guaranteed, nothing steady, nothing gained and lost, because nothing sticks anyway.

Without believing things are getting worse, I am excited to see what this body does, what it’s like, what happens next.

I’m psyched about the story unfolding. What will she do now?

Oh look, she went to physical therapy, she made a massage appointment, she slowed down and held still all day, she scheduled the book-writing time on her calendar.

She went to the dance studio and remembered the sweet friends who will never come there again, as they have already crossed over into death, and that we’ll all follow.

“The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. But of course, if you don’t see that, if you’re hypnotized into thinking that you won’t be happy without this, that or the other things, you’re stuck.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Turning everything around, I see how this is all very wonderful, and nothing is ever truly permanently ending, and everything is always beginning, and fading away…

….and things are getting better. Could be just as true.

  • this pain will always go away; emotional, physical, all of it
  • I’m on my way to the end, to the beginning, who knows
  • I don’t have to finish my book, in fact when I die there will be tons of things unfinished, that’s the way of it
  • I have no idea how much of my kids’ lives I’ll see or not see, it’s a mystery and doesn’t seem up to me
  • I need less time! Whew, what a relief!
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead. Woohoo! What, did I want to dance here forever? That’d be weird.

“No-thing-ness…as much as that doesn’t make sense to the mind, is the most alluring thing of all.” ~ Adyashanti

I hear the rain pattering outside, drink an incredible taste of water, read a sweet text from my daughter, look into the vast gray sky, and for just a second my throat wells up with tears of gratitude.

Then even that passes and in this emptiness I am stunned to find gratitude also for the pain.

How else would I have been considering the mystery of life and death, and All This today?

Much Love, Grace

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He Called Me Ugly!

A man on a blind date once said to me “I find you ugly”.

In our society, this is generally considered soooo rude, right?

In a flash of him saying it, my stomach felt nauseated, my chest felt hot, my heart beating, my face flushed and turning red.

I felt like a caged animal. I gotta get outta here. Yet I was frozen in my chair.

I tried to control my tears with all my might.

Like this fist came in a said “whatever you do, absolutely do NOT SHOW that his statement has affected you.”

So first, the painful statement….then….I also have to deal with my own inner commander telling me not to allow him to see the pain.

I see that situation as an amazing one for understanding now. So blunt, so direct, so confusing!

Many of us aren’t around people who say caustic things very often, or make stabbing remarks, or yell, or cuss at us.

And when there are pretty uncommon and punchy words, it’s surprising!

So let’s examine this situation.

Why is it disturbing, anyway? Seriously? I mean, what’s wrong with ugly?

You would have thought from my inner immediate reaction that he was about to kill me, or that he punched me in the stomach.

But there were still two people, sitting on chairs in a coffee shop. That’s it.

He just hurt me.

Is it true?

Physically, no. Space and calm were everywhere around, air, mugs, tables, other people, floor, dust, napkins.

So is it true that he hurt me emotionally? Is it true that his words were painful?

Yes, although, hmmm. If I were deaf, or if I didn’t actually HEAR those words, then I would have remained comfortable.

My interpretation of the words was painful. I believed he was saying many other things, besides “you’re ugly”. I believed it meant a whole suitcase load of very painful truths.

So I didn’t actually really know that HE just hurt me.

No. Not absolutely true.

How did I react when I believed the thought that he hurt me?

The suitcase of stressful beliefs exploded open about other people (especially men) and their preferred opinions of me.

I thought his words meant I was unworthy, rejected, hated, disliked, worthless, unimportant, and cast aside.

I thought his words meant I was not measuring up in the attractive department, and therefore I would be single, alone, and lost for the rest of my life.

Wow, so much, so instantly, from one comment.

If he had said a piece of art on the wall was ugly, would I have had trouble breathing?

So who or what would I actually be, in that very moment, without the belief that he hurt me, or he shouldn’t have expressed his opinion, or that I am worthless?

A whole world opens up of beliefs to review. A whole world of freedom becomes possible.

Wow, all that time I thought I was supposed to be beautiful, in order to be liked! OMG!

All that time I thought I was supposed to be admired, that men were supposed to find me appealing, that I needed their approval!

Without the thought that I need him to think I’m pretty, or that I need a man, or that I will be alone, or that I am rejected and worthless in this situation….

….I hear his words, and they enter me and pass through me instead of gripping me in the chest like a piano just fell on my head (like in the cartoons).

Without the thought…I might have asked him what he sees, what makes him say that right now.

I might have learned a lot (actually I did, later, when I did The Work).

I turn the thought around.

I have not just been hurt by him….I have been hurt by my own thinking.

Being ugly to someone does not mean that I am rejected, worthless, or that I will be alone forever.

And what about my own opinion of myself? Don’t I look in the mirror and find flaws, for most of my life?

Wouldn’t I absolutely love to still adore myself, even though I find parts of myself ugly sometimes? Do I notice how I love other people even though I am sometimes repulsed or frightened by their appearance?

Isn’t it actually far truer that I do adore what is inside me, and inside others?

Can I love myself in the presence of this human, who just hacked apart my ideal fairy tale version of this situation?

Haven’t I always wanted to be free to be whatever I am, and end the War on the Body and Appearance and Striving For Perfection?

Well…I just lost. War Over.

Nice.

“Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything……if you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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I’ll Control You By Avoiding You

When someone is described as really “controlling” we often get an image of a person being bossy, condescending, critical, snappy or sharp with their words and tone of voice.

They’re trying to run things! Order everyone around!

That person is so freakin’ rigid, pushy, domineering, opinionated! They should stop it!

But what if there’s other, more subtle forms of being controlling, that look pretty different than that obvious way?

As in, the opposite.

What if someone looks easy-going, compliant, passive and without any opinion?

Could they be controlling, too?

Um, yeah….that sounds familiar somehow.

Uh oh.

Long ago in my graduate program studying human behavior someone who is “controlling” was defined as someone attempting to do, say, act or even feel certain ways in order to make a situation safe, or to manage how people treat them, or feel about them.

This could be never looking, talking or directing attention toward someone as a way of punishing them for being mean to you, or for scaring you, or disappointing you.

Or jumping into the care-taking role to help that other upset person be comfortable ASAP, lest there be scene, or an emergency, around the corner.

Or speaking as little as possible, dressing certain ways so you look acceptable, and NOT jumping into anything just in case someone judges you.

Yikes, heh heh, gosh.

Suddenly, flashing before my eyes are all the times I descended into a fog of fear, looking down, away, folding my arms, drawing back, crossing the street, having my heart rate explode when I ran into someone.

In third grade, at age 8, a boy secretly left me a love note and a gift. How bold!

I changed my walking route every day on the way home so that I never ran into him again. It scared me half to death.

I couldn’t ask him “What the heck are you doing? Can’t we just be friends? Do you want something?”

I used to even feel nervous about entering a party, being in the room with so much noise, chaos, energy and Other Humans.

So there that person is, who you would actually really like to control. In other words, you’d prefer their behavior to be loving, smooth, and not alarming, intense, or hurtful!

It feels stressful, you feel anxious or angry, you think you could get surprised.

Perfect situation for self-inquiry. Let’s do The Work.

That person should remain calm, stay away from me, stop paying attention to me, leave me alone, be gentle, not say anything mean….

Is it true?

Yes! I’m curling myself into a ball like a sea anemone! Danger! Danger!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Can I know I’m in danger? Can I know I would be hurt if I’m out in the open, being judged by them?

Can I really know they’re demanding, that they want something, and that I can’t say No Thank you?

No. But I sure feel anxious.

How do I react when I believe that person is dangerous, too much, and I need to be careful around them?

Or they might hurt themselves, and I think that would be sad?

Or I’m worried about what they’ll think of me?

I clam up. I never share publicly, with lots of people listening. I don’t raise my hand. If caller ID says it’s them, I don’t answer. I hover in the back of the room.

I ruminate, I defensively think “I won’t let that person control me!” I leave and slam the door. That’ll show ’em!

Sigh. It takes a lot of energy.

So who would I be without the thought that I’m in danger in any way whatsoever or that I need to be, act, feel, speak or think a certain way to control the outcome?

Woah.

I see that person, a shot of adrenaline zaps through me, but I’m not against them, or against the past, or so sure I need to build a wall, or resist, or defend.

Without believing it’ll be bad if I make contact, I don’t feel compelled to make things easier, softer, simpler, quicker, kinder….

….I rest. My body opens, my mind opens. I might look around or look at that person and see a human trying his or her best.

I surrender, I feel willing to have whatever happens be.

I might even say “I’m really scared right now, I felt scared before around you, and I’m anxious when you approach me.”

At a party, without the thought that I need to be careful so others think well of me, I get to look around with curiosity, happiness, play.

If I have a question, I raise my hand.

I notice that without any worries about outcome, or concern for the future, I’m very present, right here in the moment. I’m having big feelings and I’m not trying to control them.

A huge major wonderful side-effect is no urge to compulsively use anything in an addictive way to stop big feelings, if I’m not worried about how others will feel if I have them.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

When I meet my thoughts with love and understanding, I meet those other troubling or Big Energy people with love and understanding…

…not escaping or suppressing my encounters with them, or with Reality.

I might say yes, I might say no, I might disengage…but that’s very different from avoiding, manipulating and planning escape routes.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30 

Turning it all around, I see that…ahem….who is the person who is full of Big Energy, feelings, judgments or fear of myself, in that situation?

Yeah, that would be me.

Much Love, Grace