Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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I Need Him To Feel OK

A very stressful belief, held by many at various moments on the planet, is the concept “I need that person to feel OK.”

Boy howdy, that’s a juicy, sometimes wildly painful belief.

Our Tuesday YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group examined this thought together this morning.

Wow, awesome.

There is your friend, your mom, your dad, your boyfriend, your wife, your child, your client…..and they are depressed, weeping, lying in a hospital bed, in turmoil over a loss, they are worried, angry, nervous, upset, they just got emotionally hurt.

There’s an urge to rush in, assist.

It really does seem like it would be better if that person felt OK, felt good, felt content, felt open.

Questioning this belief does not mean you are cruel, cold, or uncaring.

In fact, without this belief, you may find that you are more genuinely caring than you ever realized…but let’s take a look.

First, are you positive that you need that person to feel good, better, different than they feel in order for you to be happy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that if he, she, it, they felt OK you’d be better off?

The fear that enters the body and mind when a loved one gets hurt, let’s say pretty badly, can be infused with this belief.

Maybe their feelings are hurt, maybe their body is hurt…this is noticing the anxiety, panic, anger, and your own hurt that becomes present, sometimes almost simultaneously, when you learn that this person you love is hurt.

So how do you react when you believe that thought, that this situation would be better if they were OK?
When I believe this thought, I am going to find out what will resolve their “hurt” and stay on the job until I find the answer. I call them. I think about them. I read books about their condition and nod. I rush in.
I come to the rescue.
I think thoughts like “he really needs to….” or “she should get help from….”
In the past, I had a great friend who had a major huge mega-watt amount of anxiety. His story, or my story, was that he had a rough life.
How did I react when I believed that I needed him to feel OK?
First, I tried to rescue.
Then, I ditched him. I believed I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit!
But who would you be without the belief that this person needs to be OK? That they are NOT OK, even with whatever is going on?
“My beloved sister is dying of cancer now, and she is in the very painful last stages of agony. Watching my sister’s husband watch his wife in such dreadful pain would be agonizing, if not for the enlightened mind, the questioned awake-to-love mind….
 
…..Oh, how I love her, and how opposite of helpless I am. I am the power of love, and there is nothing more powerful than that as I find myself sobbing with her. Who would think that love is that grateful, that deep, that overwhelming, and tear-filled! As I sob, the joy within, the joy that is born out of my love, blind in its clarity, runs deeper than any sadness could ever begin to, and it is allowed to live at its depth, a state that fear is too shallow to explore and must always fall short in its emotion to express.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that other people need to be OK in order for me to be happy…
…I am free to love, express, breathe, connect, be honest, authentic, caring, overwhelmed, untethered, real, genuine….and stay or go.
I turn the thought around that I need him to be OK, I need her to be OK.
I don’t actually need that. I am living this life over here, in this body, apparently.
I can see advantages, even, to that person not being OK as I look at them:
  • they are encountering their own fear and growing stronger through it
  • they are capable of getting through this
  • they are learning about life
  • they are freer
  • they are experiencing something profound
  • they are changing
  • they are dying (or some part of them is dying) and therefore on their way to a new dimension, new life…
And while that person is not OK, I can turn that whole entire list around to myself and find the incredible gift in that person appearing as they appear in my life:
  • I am encountering my own fear and growing stronger through it
  • I am capable of getting through this (their pain, my pain)
  • I am learning about life
  • I am freer
  • I am experiencing something profound
  • I am changing
  • I am dying (my stories or otherwise) and therefore on my way to a new dimension
“The ego creates stories to convince you that you cannot be at peace NOW, you cannot be fully yourself NOW.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  
How might you be when you are with those sweet, amazing, suffering people if you knew they were actually OK?
Much Love, Grace
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Not Knowing Is Wonderful Now

This past weekend a whole lotta questioning happened!

I had the privilege to be among companions in The Work and hear their concerns, some of their deepest moments of suffering.

I can always relate to what inquirers are concerned with. My own work floats in the background to every single thought and inquiry brought forth.

One woman spoke for me, for everyone, who’s ever sat down and questioned their repetitive beliefs:

“I’ve done The Work on this ten thousand times and I keep finding the turnarounds, I find the examples, I can see the opposite of my stressful thought to be as true or truer….but the stress still plagues me.”

There are those feisty subjects, situations, people, whole belief-systems that seem really deep, endless, haunting, unresolved.

If we’ve got an unhappy experience from the past…and continue to be annoyed or afraid…then what to do?

How many times can you write a worksheet on the SAME EXACT THING and arrive at the SAME EXACT PLACE??!

Some awareness perhaps, but not really complete and everlasting peace. Not done, resolved, complete. Not over it. It’s not put to rest.

Fantastic question.

There was once a car mechanic I heard about who had an enormous number of clientele.

He didn’t advertise, market, put out flyers, or even have an official business.

People would learn about him word of mouth, show up, call the unpublished number. He had something special going on around cars.

He could diagnose and figure out the thing that was needed for any particular car to run again.

A good friend who had the honor of using this mechanic told me that this Car Whisperer told him when he bumped up against a problem, and he tinkered, researched, made attempts and tried different solutions….but something wasn’t working (yet)….

….that he would leave that car alone for awhile.

He would drop his motivation to fix it.

Yes, even if someone was calling and saying“where’s my car, you got it fixed yet?”

He would go work on another entirely different car, a different problem.

He would sleep on it, walk away. Then come back to it when it felt “right”.

And almost every time….LIGHT BULB.

In a few minutes, the necessary answer, the missing link, the correct mechanical part, the next step would make itself known.

Byron Katie speaks about dropping all motivation for anything, when you’re doing The Work, except the Truth.

In the dictionary, it reads that to have a “motive” is to have a reason to do something. Often related to a crime. You think if you do something, you’ll get something better, you’ll succeed in the future.

“Motive” comes from the word “move”.

I want to Move-It Move-It!

In other words, I don’t like it the way it is, or the way I feel about it right now…I want to feel differently, I want to feel peaceful or blissful or psyched instead.

Now, this isn’t always of course what is going on if we have the same repetitive identical beliefs over and over about one person, or a persistent stressful feeling about a situation…but it’s great to look at.

What is my motive? Why do I want to question this? Do I want to know the Truth, or be Blissed Out?

Maybe they aren’t always the same.

I had one person once who was really buggin’ me. I would write a worksheet on this person over and over. The same exact sentences would come out, maybe with a little variation.

He should be different.

I asked Katie about it. “I keep doing The Work on this person, with no resolve….what should I do?”

She replied after a brief discussion, “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

OMG! I realized that I had been believing that I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS WAY!

I believed that I should feel happy, loving, kind, joyful and warm-hearted towards that person 24/7.

Like, yesterday.

That’s what spiritual, good people are like, right?

As I saw this aspect of my own personal motivation to jump to feeling happy and forgiving ASAP, I put that worksheet down.

I didn’t pound the pavement, as they say, until I Got Peace.

I honored my own feeling of whatever this thing I was feeling actually was, that we call Anger.

I actually did a whole worksheet on ANGER and the feeling of anger and all the dangerous, terrible things I believed could happen to me or to others when the feeling of ANGER rises.

I stopped feeling so anxious about anger. I stopped feeling so sure that there was no place for anger inside me, or inside this world.

I stopped having a “plan” about this situation.

I let go of the motivation to get this squared away so I could go on with my life.

What did I notice?

The emotional pain started to fade. DOH!

“If I can’t breathe, I don’t know if I’m going to live or die. I don’t know if I’m going to be breathed again, or not. It’s absolutely not up to me. But in the “don’t know” if I’m going to live or die, or breathe or not, I don’t miss the joy of the life I DO have.” ~ Byron Katie

If I give up wanting The Work, or anything else, to bring me joy…I notice I do The Work anyway (so far).

I notice that even my own awareness or learning or peace or personal process is not up to “me”.

If I don’t have to know, or achieve anything, what a relief.

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

If you think that you won’t do The Work or you’ll never become free or peaceful, unless you have a motive…..test it out.

You may find that you are as bizarre as me, and you keep inquiring anyway.

Kinda like that saying “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.”

Before….I don’t know….and it’s a bad thing to not know.  After….I don’t know….and it’s a good thing to not know.

Much Love, Grace

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Walking Without Walking

There is nothing quite like being silent in the company of other people to bring a precious sweet sense of the profound to an experience.

Yesterday the fall afternoon sun shone, the world was bustling with bicycle riders, dogs, runners, leashes, litter, motors, sirens, green leaves.

Our collective group of inquirers, all on retreat together here at my cottage, went on a walk with one important piece of structure: no talking.  

Well, I also mentioned going on this walk as if you were living one of your turnarounds to a stressful belief we had just examined.

How would you walk as if there were no problem, that the way it went before had its benefits? How would you walk as if you knew all was incredibly, inconceivably, amazingly well. How would you walk as if things were OK, as if you didn’t need to fix it for right now?

How would you walk, where would you glance, what would you see, how would you hold your shoulders or your arms if you didn’t believe that stressful thought?

As we walked, I turned around and saw our silent group, such adorable and sincere people. All supporting each other to investigate our mental activity that hurts.

Over a fence, someone smoothed the skirt of a bride’s white wedding dress on a lawn, through another fence children screamed with glee in a playground, past the bushes ducks quacked while kids jumped off the end of a dock, in the distance two jet skis zig-zagged like beads on the water.

Abundance everywhere, literally the earth, the environment, the atmosphere teeming with activity, life, chaos, movement….

….I felt tears well up with the joy of it all.

Have you noticed how unusual and how powerful silence can be?

This hasn’t always automatically felt like a good thing. By the way.

Generally speaking, if you take away activities that you do regularly and you’re a little nervous about what it will be like without them…

….you’re pushing up against your zone of comfort, as they say.

When I first went on a silent retreat I thought I’d go bonkers.

I was up at 2:30 am unable to sleep, too dark to take a walk in the woods. The rules were no talking, no reading, no electronics. 

What am I supposed to do, just lie here? Jeezus Christ! 

I thought I was going to have a heart attack, or that my head would explode.

I had no idea how much stimulation I normally wanted, to cover up this dreadful experience of being in the world full of silence, without being friends with my own mind.

Of course, I got used to it.

And went back for more. It was never as bad as that first time again.

Yesterday as we all walked together I noticed thoughts still crank out, or stream by, like ticker-tape reports: that young couple on the bench may think its weird with all these totally silent people standing on the dock around them, I need to go slowly enough so no one gets left behind, trees, asphalt, light, its weird how this human view is through eyes mostly in the front 180 degrees of the body, I’m the leader, I love the feeling of the cool dirt on my big toes that are sticking past the edge of the flip-flops I’m wearing, wow those spiders are jammin’ with their webs everywhere, grass, breeze, dogs. 

Observations, thoughts, fading in and out. Nothing true, nothing grabby. Sensations.

Being.

Doing The Work, questioning our stories, slows everything down.

Right now, it’s possible for all of us to relax, and welcome the thoughts or stories that come by for a visit.

Those troubling people who we have encountered, at any time in our lives, they are amazing. Just thinking about them, my mind grows curious, open, interested, and willing.

“Eventually you will realize that it cannot actually hurt you to go beyond your psychological limits. If you are willing to just stand at the edge and keep walking, you will go beyond.” ~ Michael Singer

Even if you can’t actually walk, physically, either in your body or on the planet, there’s internal walking, noticing, moving, being.

Watching the stories, writing them down, questioning them, diving into these stories by telling them to others with the sincere intention to understand it differently, not justify it or react to it with fear, sadness, pain, hurt.  

“Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that’s what you’ve lived.” ~ Byron Katie

That includes this moment of silence, this moment of being with others in an intimate way, connecting with peeps on the journey, being totally alone, suffering, feeling joyful, having time and space to sit and write and inquire.

Even if you just had a rough encounter out in the world, a less-than-optimal exchange, a bad memory enter your mind, or you were late, you disappointed someone, you became nervous…..

…..now you are here, quietly reading this. 

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47 

Much Love, Grace

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Welcome The Friend Who Brings Difficulties

This morning I am beaming with gratitude for all the beautiful inquirers who flew on airplanes, rode bikes, drove cars and arrived here in northeast Seattle to question our thinking for the weekend of YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups.

We’re gathering together, to do this work. Investigating our suffering in life.

You’re doing it too.

We are all IN this together, no matter where you are located in place and time as you are reading this. As you go about your day or evening.

The poem for our weekend is the powerful Checkmate by the beloved Jalaluddin Rumi. I’ve read it twice, and will read it again.

It begins “Borrow the Beloved’s eyes…”

Inviting us to see through the eyes of reality, through the eyes of these other sweet people, through eyes that are beyond stressful beliefs, but including those stressful beliefs.

Everything welcome.

And who would you be without that stressful, sad, worried, nervous, angry thought?

What a strange, fabulous question….

If it’s hard to imagine being without stressful thoughts, don’t worry. The spark is alive in you to investigate….you know you can!

“If you can’t do this work yourself, don’t worry. You don’t even have to make a decision one way or another. The Friend, who knows a lot more than you do, will bring difficulties, and grief and sickness, as medicine, as happiness, as the essence of the moment when you’re beaten, when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say, with Hallaj’s voice, I trust you to kill me.” ~ Rumi  

Much Love, Grace

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Mentioning The Unmentionable

I’m switching the Our Wonderful Sexuality to 5:15-6:45 pm on Mondays, starting October 21st, since many of you are interested but couldn’t take the class at the 8 am Pacific time.

Speaking of sexuality…..eewww.

Do we have to?

It’s quite startling how this topic, which touches everyone alive really, has a sort-of weird undercover secretive cloud hanging over it.

At least for me, growing up we weren’t really supposed to talk about it. You weren’t supposed to ask too many questions or share too many stories.

The unmentionable subject.

Even though everyone’s interested in it.

Sexuality is a vulnerable, intimate life experience with a huge variety of norms and interests and attractions or repulsions for humans.

When it feels like freedom, there is usually very little stress involved…..the feeling inside is comfortable, perhaps thrilled, positive, genuine, creative, safe, joyful and loving.

But often, there are indeed stressful thoughts.

When I began dating after fifteen years in a monogamous relationship, many thoughts and feelings that had existed below the surface (or that I stuffed under the surface) came exploding out into the light of day.

Just meeting with someone for a date seemed to create fear…but also excitement, anticipation and eagerness for connection.

But what was that fear part?

The way to put words to the fear, and see it more clearly, is to identify a painful situation, a difficult or troubling moment, that you have actually experienced.

No, this does not have to be rape, incest, violence, affairs…..although if you’ve had these kinds of experiences, they are amazing situations for questioning your beliefs, and your inquiry can open you to your present power.

The situation you may notice discomfort around, that involves sexuality or sexual contact or implying something sexual, may be something completely low key, small, a minor communication or even a “look” from someone.

That’s your situation. You may have many. Pick just one.

I remember noticing a man who to me was very attractive. I knew he was going to be at a birthday party I was attending. I didn’t know him very well.

At the party, right when I arrived, he looked super happy and dropped his current conversation, took my hand as I approached, put his hand on my back, and led me to a far corner of the room.

This was great at first. But then some comments arose in the conversation. The whole connection became sort of, well, CRAZY STRESSFUL for me.

  • he is pushing too hard for sex in this conversation
  • he wants sex NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately
  • he’s creepy
  • I need to escape
  • I can’t trust my attractions, this man is a jerk (rats)
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but he seems to think it’s Number 1
  • he wouldn’t be talking with me if he wasn’t attracted to me, so he cares only about the sexual attraction
  • he’s too aggressive, demanding, wants too much, too quickly

Similar kinds of thoughts can enter into a long-term relationship with someone you care about, know well, or even live with….maybe with more subtle language or different wording.

Maybe your stressful thoughts are around being bored, doing the same thing all the time, feeling unsatisfied, wanting more, different, better, less.

Or right in the middle of a sexual encounter…maybe your thoughts are full of what should or shouldn’t be happening, what you long for, what you miss, or what just happened a split second ago that you didn’t like.

Once you identify these thoughts, you can take them to inquiry.

I loved having a facilitator who I was so comfortable with when I started doing The Work very earnestly, I knew she didn’t reject me for having such thoughts….or for using words that described sexual body parts or sexual terms like “orgasm”.

OK, I said it.

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that it’s embarrassing, shameful, or weird to talk about sexual encounters with people?

Yeah! Of course it’s embarrassing! This is private, personal information!

Are you positive that speaking of your ideas, concerns and feelings about sexuality it is worthy of shame?

And is what you are concerned about actually true?

Damn straight it’s true!

He IS too aggressive, he IS making too many sexual comments.

Is it absolutely true? Beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No. I actually don’t really know. I haven’t asked what he means, or what he wants, or what he’s thinking. At all.

When I believe all the thoughts I think, and then also, think it’s wrong to bring them up (or dangerous) then I’m trapped in a loop.

VERY STRESSFUL.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you should be ashamed of yourself? Or that he is being too pushy, or that you need to escape?

I’m no longer frozen. I say “this is not really doing it for me, I don’t feel comfortable…when you just said that, did that, looked that way, I felt afraid.”

Without the belief that I shouldn’t talk about sexuality, I talk about it.

I look at the turnarounds, oh boy:

  • I am pushing too hard for no-sex in this conversation
  • I want connection NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately on MY TERMS
  • I’m creepy – I have my demand, secret desires, beliefs, wants that I’m not sharing and I’m also super judgmental
  • I need to stay right here and be truthful
  • I can trust my attractions, this man is interesting, and my attractions morph and change
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but I seem to think it’s Number 1
  • I wouldn’t be talking with him if I wasn’t attracted to him, so I care only about the sexual attraction
  • I’m too aggressive, demanding, want too much, too quickly – yes, look how I boss him around in my mind with my expectations

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done.This doesn’t mean that you have to invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

When I begin to speak up, say what I think, ask questions when I have them, say what I’m assuming, ask for what I want….

…in the spirit of love and kindness, laughter arises.

And great freedom.

No need to defend, protect myself, worry.

Even in this sensitive topic of sexuality….fun, play, ease.

Join the class in October if you’d like to examine some of the little (or big) stressful thoughts about sexual expression, an important sexual relationship you’re in, or past uncomfortable experiences.

“Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace

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You Need To Stop Thinking—Is It True?

Yesterday I got into my car to drive from A to B. The overcast sky had parted so sun was beaming everywhere.

My phone rang so as I glanced to see who the caller was, it looked sort of familiar, like an official number from my neighborhood, so I answered it, just in case it was my kid calling from school.

All was well, but that call took about 15 minutes before I started the engine to go to  my next destination: the gym.

I noticed I had on a long-sleeved shirt and now, with the weather change, I felt hot and sticky. Yik.

This caused me to remember, after driving half way there, that I don’t have a gym bag, so I have no gym clothes, so I have to go back home now, to fetch them.

I looked over at the dashboard clock. I started calculating.

By the time I get home, it will be x-o’clock, if I go really, really fast it will be y’o’clock when I arrive at the gym. I’ll get exactly 25 minutes of workout time, which is NOT ENOUGH, I usually set aside 60, but it’s something at least. Then it will be z-o’clock.

If all goes well…no wrinkles in the “plan” then I’ll have time to pick up the daughter, drive to the orthodontist, return an inquiring client phone call, go back home, take a 4 minute shower, see a client, call another person back, check emails and get to dance on time.

I’m already tired.

Looking at the future lay-out in terms of time, sections of accomplishment, blocks of what-needs-to-happen.

This situation needs to move. Faster.

I need to generate output, attention, organization….and get this over with so the next thing can happen.

Fortunately….very, very fortunately….this is only one thread of thinking from the Belief Committee.

Only one kind of feeling, or orientation really.

If that committee gets going though, not exactly Fun Times. It tends to believe it can take over the entire World View of the host entity.

For some reason, and not because of “me” I assure you….I take a deep breath and almost at the same time as the plans appear, and the clock-monitor seeing clicks on, a feeling that’s like a gentle smile also appears.

The other day a wonderful inquirer wrote to me “but why does it take hours of doing The Work and all this effort to find peace? Can’t there be a quicker more instant way?”

I love that question!

You want a quicker, easier, speedier way! No stress entering! No troubling or annoying beliefs! Can’t we just get over it?

Are you sure? Is that true that quicker and instant would be better?

Yes indeed! Because! Isn’t that why I do The Work in the first place? Or any other technique, practice, inquiry, method?

Of course it’s true!

And how do you react when you think the thought that getting this whole bothersome “work part” over with, getting through it, instantly changing, suddenly becoming stress-free….is the Best Goal Ever?

My mind is a stop watch. I see events as taking too long. The clock is ticking. Can’t relax, can’t sleep, can’t truly rest, must push on.

I think. A lot.

With the thoughts that I must “find” peace, I analyze options for the best choice, the shortest method, the ideal option. I’m looking, looking, calculating, re-calculating, waiting, seeing this situation as falling short.

But who would I be without the these thoughts? Without having any Goals? Without thinking that what is here takes too long, is too much work, is arduous and slow?

Without the thought….woah.

I notice that I may actually have No Choice. I may be a part of a conglomerate inter-woven mess and tangle of life that appears in this moment as a human thinking they need to get somewhere faster.

I notice I never actually go any faster than I go. Life never goes any faster than it goes. Whether an afternoon, or appointments, or enlightenment.

Hilarious!

Who would I be without the thought that peace should be here NOW, that my afternoon should unfold at the appointed perfect time, that there is an end-goal in mind and it should be achieved ASAP.

What if As Soon As Possible is LATER?

As in…I’m not the boss of this. I’m not running things. It’s not up to me…even the attainment of peace?

Without this thought something inside my solar plexus opens and relaxes and is so happy, it’s almost hard to explain.

I turn it all around. The way it’s going is just right. Even me doing The Work, finding peace, opening, surrendering.

What if I am actually getting what I want? Could there be a benefit to the pace of this afternoon? The status of having or not-having whatever it is?

“We keep falling for it, we keep believing there’s a place that I’m going to get to where all this ends…..Your mind is trying to do this. But your mind isn’t really yours at all! If it was, you’d turn it off like a light switch. YOU…you are not doing any of this. You are not your mind.” ~ Adyashanti

Holy Moly!

If things really are not supposed to go the way I command, including my thinking….but they’re supposed to go the way they’re going….that’s one heckofa lot less work on my part.

A lot less everything, on my part. A lot less of me having a part.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got a lot of thoughts, welcome to reality! Hee hee.

Much Love, Grace

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Buyers Remorse Tornado

Yesterday someone very close to me….OK, my husband…asked me a question.

You would have thought I just heard a radio alert that a tornado has just destroyed downtown Seattle and its now headed straight for our neighborhood!!!

It was 10 pm and we had just turned the light out to go to sleep.

“I heard you bought Ben shoes today that cost $153. What made you decide to buy such expensive shoes for him?”

I quickly replied, “He really liked them, I think these are the nicest and best-made shoes he’s ever had. His feet are not growing anymore. I think it’s OK..”

My voice was very calm and normal, casual like no-big deal, here’s my answer and yeah, I’m happy with that choice.

Heh heh.

Literally 2 minutes later he was asleep.

But there’s a tornado careening towards the neighborhood, remember?

BUYER’S REMORSE!!

It’s called Instant Stress In A Cup, kinda like pouring boiling hot water on a cup of noodles for Instant Lunch. I was BOILING in stressful thinking!

  • he’s questioning my purchases for my son!
  • he thinks I spent too much
  • I shouldn’t have spent it–I should keep my money
  • he said “such expensive” and that means he thinks I’m wildly extravagant
  • he’s got scarcity mentality
  • I shouldn’t have gotten married last year (yes, I thought this)
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is dangerous!

After 15 minutes of planning out how I could quickly get divorced, on paper, and stop the tornado from coming….

…I got up! Adrenaline is difficult to mix with sleep, I’ve noticed.

I went into my son’s room, where he was happily enjoying his last days of computer time before leaving for college.

I said “do you really like those shoes? I’m worried about how expensive they were. And you still need running shoes….maybe if we took them back and switched to two pairs for the same amount of dollars?”

(hand-wringing, hand-wringing).

He assured me that he loved them, they are the nicest shoes he’s ever owned, and he’ll buy his own running shoes. He is 19 after all.

We were laughing, soon, as I confessed I’m a worry-nut and also said how much I LOVED buying him those shoes.

And also how deeply grateful that I can even afford them, since only four years ago, it was out of the question.

I went back to bed and fell asleep.

In the morning I did The Work.

Now that I was all reassured with the purchase, I noticed many thoughts still running through my mind.

He shouldn’t say anything about what I spend my money on! It’s MINE! Good shoes are hard to find! And they weren’t $153 they were $140 plus tax! Single is better than married!

Justify Justify Defend How Dare You Justify Defend Justify I Have My Rights!!

Really? 

Um, well, no. This not an emergency.

And no, he only asked a simple question, he didn’t even have a “tone”. And no, I have no idea that something terrible will happen if he did indeed disapprove of my purchase.

I don’t actually know that he DOES disapprove, come to think of it.

With the thought?  Good lord. It’s a wild drama. I’m looking for the safest course of action. I’m thinking about the future, the past, emergencies and people having opinions of my actions around money.

There might not be enough! If this keeps up, I’ll lose everything!

With the thought, I’m not looking at myself, I’m looking at him. I’m not looking at my own freaky scarcity orientation in that moment. That I shouldn’t spend unnecessary money, I need to hold on to it, store it.

Believing all those stressful thoughts, I’m worried about ME being a BAD CHOOSER. I’m really afraid that I can’t trust myself and I don’t make good decisions.

So who would I be without the thought, in that moment just a split second after my husband asked his question….without the thought that I’ve made a mistake, I’ve spent too much money, I’ve done it wrong?

I’d hear his powerful question, even if he DID have a tone.

I’d check in with ME to see if it feels right. I’d feel free to say yes or no when buying something for my kids, with ease.

An experiment in noticing fear, anxiety, making trades, flowing money into other places, watching my assumptions, allowing myself to be me, handing over money to someone else.

I turn it all around:

  • I am questioning my purchases for my son! Yikes!
  • I think I spent too much
  • I should have spent it—I shouldn’t keep “my” money
  • “such expensive” means I think I’m wildly extravagant
  • I’ve got scarcity mentality – yes, I’m ready to draw lines and boundaries about this money that I apparently believe is mine
  • I should have gotten married last year, it’s beautiful
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is safe

I see the happiness on my son’s face and in his words, and I delight in that.

Yes, we could return the shoes. But that doesn’t seem necessary now, even though that is a wonderful option sometimes.

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Now is another moment, now I have enough money. Now, I take a very deep breath.

Now, I speak to my husband and tell him my reaction last night and he says “wow, amazing mind!” and I find out he wasn’t concerned.

“It helps greatly to see that being lost at times is all part of the dance and that nothing is really an enemy, a distraction or a failure. The light and the dark go together as one seamless happening.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Turns out there was only the THOUGHT of a tornado.

And now, a slower gentleness inside about buying things….appreciating that gorgeous store where the shoes came from that I hadn’t been inside of for probably ten years, noticing how fun it is to thrift shop, looking at beliefs about acquiring, paying for things.

“Is money the problem, or is what they [you] were believing about money the problem? Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there…..from parents to money, all innocent.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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The Problem With Being A Good Person

The feelings of guilt and shame are dark and disabling for many people.

I shouldn’t have done that, if only I had seen it coming, I wish I would have been more aware at the time, I didn’t pay attention to the clues, that person was too much for me, I handled that so poorly, I must have done something wrong, I made a mistake, I tried to help but it didn’t work, I guess I’m not good enough…

It’s a sick feeling in the stomach. Or for some people, pure terror coursing through the body.

At least that’s what I’ve discovered so far, when I’ve felt guilty…

…it’s a sense that I want to “fix” it, become re-connected with someone, know that all is well and everyone feels happy.

Even if there is nothing to actually FIX.

“Guilt. Punishing yourself before God doesn’t.” ~ Alan Cohen

Several years ago I was a part of a project where a woman made a speech at a meeting about all the sneaky, lying people who smoked cigarettes but said they were non-smokers.

It was so weird…I was walking after the meeting and thought I saw her on the street, and suddenly panicked and felt like she was boring her eyes into me to find that secret cigarette behind my back, even though I hadn’t smoked in 25 years.

The definition of guilt in the dictionary means criminal, morally delinquent, wicked, charged, responsible for. 

Have you ever felt like it was your fault that someone got upset? That someone is suffering, and you had something to do with it?

“I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?” ~ John Steinbeck 

Troubling beliefs producing guilt are tricky, and a really, really, really good ones to question.

I need to do everything I possibly can to help that suffering person, fix it, make amends, bring peace, make up for it, ease the pain. I need to prove that I am one of the GOOD people.

When I was in a very vulnerable period of life transition (divorce) I befriended two different people who every time I got together with them, afterwards I’d feel lousy.

I did The Work many times on both. They were incredible teachers.

They were also both suffering deeply. One with mental illness, one with having an affair and questioning their marriage.

I was such a good listener. I was THERE for them. I found them fascinating, really. Brilliant people, a little crazy, exciting. We laughed hard.

But I realized there was one person I was not actually listening to well at all, one person I was disrespecting and ignoring.

Me.

Only a couple of years ago, I did it again very briefly: I played the role of the good, kind, easy-going, all-accepting human….to a raving alcoholic addict.

In all of these relationships, I’d feel very uneasy, like I couldn’t speak up, or have a truly vulnerable, direct conversation.

These people all had secrets.

I’d also feel pumped up with pride at my amazing people-skills….the kind of people-skills that make Someone Else, NOT ME, feel good when they are around me, when they are in my presence.

Isn’t that what good, kind, loving people do? Don’t they help others feel better, ease the pain of the world, offer safe-haven? Aren’t they positive lights for everyone they encounter?

Let’s question this one.

I need to be positive, help, support, fix, ease the pain, offer love, bring happiness…and this means not speaking up, not saying I don’t support what they’re doing.

Is that true?

Yes, I grew up with the Sound of Music, Jesus, angels and church and learning not to be “selfish”.

Of course that’s my goal, of course I need to be kind, helpful, supportive, loving!

When I’m not, I feel guilty and I need get to work on it immediately and get an attitude adjustment!

But can you absolutely know that its true?

Do you really need or even want to be helpful, positive, supportive, fix problems, ease the pain, offer love, and bring happiness to those around you…and are you sure it looks the way you think it looks? 

Are you sure you have to WORK at this, do the “right thing”? Are you sure you’re not OK all by yourself, without being some kind of awesome super-human being?

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, it’s a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling that says this: If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.” ~ Brene Brown

I know that how I react when I believe that I need to be super-loving-supporter good brilliant friend is that I don’t say no, I smile, I stay on the phone longer than I want, I feel doubt and worry.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to ease peoples’ pain, offer support, be loving…and that this means not saying what I really think out loud?

Who would I really be without the thought that I need to be a Good Person?

Dang, it’s *F*A*N*T*A*S*T*I*C*.

It’s vulnerable, but real. I feel alive, excited, free and so very honest and authentic.

I could die tomorrow, I have such intimacy with what is here today. I am including the voice inside me that knows what true love really is…it does not have to be careful. 

I turn the thought around that I have to be supportive, loving and kind (and that looks like “x”).

I do not have to help or be supportive. I do not have to listen. I do not have to be nice, kind, perfect, easy-going, self-less, or say yes. Ever.

I can notice that I’m a part of a great connected atmosphere….and that when people are yelling and looking for a criminal and they knock on my door, it’s OK that I feel big feelings of fear run through me, even if I didn’t do it.

I can question my beliefs of what is good, bad and follow integrity, true integrity.

“You know all that little ego stuff? That’s gotta go. Which is fortunate. Is wonderful. Because at least then, there is no question, there is no doubt, that when you let go of the egoic self, there’s no doubt what there is. What there IS, is what you ARE, and what you ARE, is about the most wonderful place you could fall back into. So at least you know THAT. You know that when you let go of the egoic self, what you’re getting in exchange is the whole universe, you’re getting all of existence.” ~ Adyashanti  

Thank you to the people who I encountered who pushed me to be truthful, to be a mean girl, to be powerful, to say goodbye.

Every one of them helped destroy some of that “ego stuff”. My image of myself as Good, Helpful, Support-Genius.

All that’s left here is joy, gratitude, emptiness.

Much Love, Grace

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Could Your Environment Be Secretly Serving You?

Searching for a parking place is a waste of time! 

Have you ever wondered why you decided to go downtown?

The thought crossed my mind yesterday afternoon as I circled blocks under overcast skies. Huge tall buildings, honking cars, taxis, wide clumps of people crossing when their light turned green.

Noticing your environment is not “working” the way you want is actually a sort of funny, busy, nit-picky little voice that loves to assess the imperfection of just about any situation.

Oh, I thought I would already be parked, and inside a cafe working on my computer by now. Why are all those people waving flags and dressed in football costumes? Where is that parking garage entrance again (as I passed it for the second time)? It’s HOW MUCH to park?!!

Whose bright idea was this to come downtown? 

The thing is, this type of viewpoint can happen in ANY environment.

Just when you think it’s quiet, nurturing, relaxing….you notice a fly that won’t stop buzzing, you wish you had some company, your time is up and you have to leave now, the music they’re playing is annoying, or you have to go to the bathroom and its a long way to the closest WC.

It’s one thing to be at a stress-level volume of a 1…but what about a 5? We won’t even discuss a 10…like being in the middle of a war zone, or a strange unexpected accident.

Somehow no matter what level, its when you notice there is a sense of being resistant to what’s going on.

It happened before I knew it. I don’t like this. Get me outta here. Bad idea.

What a waste of time, I’m losing out, oh fer gawd sakes….that’s a One Way?

This is not heaven.

Oops.

Really? 

I took a deep breath. All of the sudden, like coming up from being underwater, the questions…almost like a feeling of warmth entering in…

Are you sure this is frustrating and annoying, and too uncertain, too crowded, too loud?

Well. No.

How do you react when you believe it has to be unfolding differently than it is?

How do you react when you think you should be parked by now? Out of the car, not inside of the car? For free, or with the cheapest deal you can find?

What happens when you start to think that what is happening is your fault, that you got yourself into this mess and you’re a dork, you should have thought of a different option…blah blah blah…?

Yes, even during a little moment in life like this one?

Stress enters the body, everything seems to be centered around ME, even when I’m noticing other fascinating, interesting things cross my vision or my hearing, I ignore them.

I decide my environment is meaningless, stupid. It’s a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I squeeze the steering wheel.

Who would you be without the thought that your environment is not optimum, that your surroundings are a little too scary, or expensive, or loud, or strange?

Without that thought that it’s your own damn fault for deciding to come to this place! Jeez!

I smile. I realize that this place is absolutely fascinating. There are people and stuff and moving parts and sounds and colors EVERYWHERE.

Without the thought, I pick the next parking garage. All is well. There’s no perfect “free” parking.

I notice the garage is very quiet. I notice I can move this body and this car from there to here at any time, no one stopping me.

The freedom to come and go is actually astounding. Open choice, every moment.

“Though walking down the street doesn’t seem like a lot to some people, to me it’s a whole world, it’s my secret world, where I’m always serving everyone and everything, as they serve me.” ~ Byron Katie

Inside a cafe, as I wait for my son and then my daughter, I notice its so incredibly quiet in here, the server is such a dear young man, he makes my hot drink with care and attention, he says “yes” there is free wi-fi.

I stare out at the scenery instead of looking at my computer. The bright lights of the Macy’s Department store, pristine shining floors, a woman trying perfumes and having her man smell them, people so happy.

I realize that I became afraid for a moment. The level of movement and activity and total chaos made me nervous. I was threatened. Like when people yell at others in traffic who feel anxious about getting hurt. 

“You want people to be steady enough so that you can predict their behavior. If they aren’t it disturbs you. This is because you have made your predictions of their behavior part of your inner model. This protective shield of beliefs and concepts regarding the outside world acts as insulation between you and the people you interact with.” ~ Michael Singer 

Without the shield of “thinking” between me and this wild environment, I look around with wonder. Absolute amazement.

Oh, maybe this is heaven after all. I forgot for a second.

Much Love, Grace

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Some Fall Classes You May Like

I don’t always send out an email on Sundays. I’m often busy volunteering in the morning on the Help Line where I facilitate The Work (for more information on accessing the Help Line click HERE).

So this is a shortie, since many people have asked about upcoming classes the next few months.

The list below is freshly updated!

In October, there are two teleclasses beginning:

One is on Our Wonderful Sexuality and all the stressful thoughts that seem to appear around it, like sexual expression, wanting or not wanting sex, remembering fearful or uncomfortable incidents. If lots of people want this class on Monday EVENING then I’ll add it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com.

The other October teleclass is Pain, Sickness and Death. We look at physical pain, the experience of illness, and that mysterious and often very painful experience of other people’s deaths or anticipation of our own. This class is six weeks on Tuesdays 10/29 at 5:15 pm Pacific Time.

October 19th is the next 4 hour mini-retreat for dropping in to The Work, giving yourself time to question. We meet as a small group at Goldilocks Cottage in Seattle (my house). 4 hours CEU credits available for mental health professionals.

Then oh boy, the class I’ve taught almost twenty times now: Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Too Much Not Enough. We look straight on at the beliefs we have about eating, foods, and our bodies. You’ll get some powerful exercises for traveling the journey of questioning your Food Religion, as I call it.

The Food teleclass meets Fridays, 11/1 at 9 am Pacific time, just in time for the holiday season. Maybe inquiry will offer you more peace around the abundance of food.

Finally, come for an intensive weekend on December 14-15 in Seattle to look deeply at the compulsive beliefs around food, eating, and your body. If you’ve taken this class before, I’ve added some components.

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend offers an introduction to YOU and your relationship with food…but you may have new ideas on how to be with food, with other people, and with life once you leave. It’s non-residential.

And oh my gosh. I can’t help mentioning that a Year of Inquiry (YOI!) NEW group will begin in January on Fridays. We have three teleclasses per month and only 12 people, and we really get to know each other, with a special topic for inquiry each month.

Maybe this is the time for you to join a group, a class, set aside time this fall season to get introspective…..to take a journey to freedom.

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Mondays, October 21-December 9, 2013 8-9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 10/19, 11/30.  2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats.
  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: 3 Friday Telegroups per month January 10, 2014 – December December 19, 2014 at 9:00-10:30 am PT, 2 in-person Seattle retreats, 4 solo sessions. Pro-rated option to choose telegroups only. Click here to read about it, check the dates, and register
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Tuesdays, October 29-December 3, 2013 5:15-6:45 pm PT. 6 wk teleclass $295. Register Here
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Too Much Not Enough–Ending The Love/Hate Relationship With Eating.Fridays November 1-December 20, 2013 9-10:30 am PT. 8 wk teleclass. Register Here.
  • Too Much Not Enough Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend!
    Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 $295 Saturday 10 am – 6 pm and Sunday 9 am – 4 pm. Includes Saturday lunch (Sunday on your own).

Check out the list below and the links to read about the classes or to register.

Much Love, Grace