Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Toleration Games

The other day I was reading a book.

(I know! Get off my back! I’m working on the whole must-gather-more-information-and-read-endlessly addiction thing! Just give me a little more time!)

Anyway.

There was a passage suggesting that when we are tolerating other people….it’s actually a very sneaky and troubling separation tactic.

So many campaigns by governments, schools, neighborhoods, groups that sound positive, reasonable, and important that use either being for or against it: “TOLERANCE” or “ZERO-TOLERANCE”.

“Tolerance is a very dull virtue. It is boring. Unlike love, it has always had a bad press. It is negative. It merely means putting up with people, being able to stand things.” ~ E.M. Forster

As I read, I could see how deciding to tolerate someone, or a group of people, looked like an effort to control ones words, or feelings, in the presence of Those People.

Tolerate actually is defined in the dictionary as to let, permit, allow, suffer.

I could see that being tolerant might be a form of keeping oneself from exploding or getting upset, or crying or fuming in frustration, or showing how scared you are.

But as I was breeezin’ past this idea like a freight train leaving the dust behind…it dawned on me…uh oh.

YOU do this, Grace. There are actually some people that you, er, “tolerate”. 

In other words, there is a part of me that is a bit nervous around them. Or, I want to plug my ears when I hear their voice. Or, I’m thinking things about them that I don’t actually SAY out loud. Ever.

Sigh.

Have you ever been in a meditation retreat and here comes the guy who already shared yesterday? Yada Yada, we already know you’re whole long story, just ask your question!

Or the other guy who always has such a bossy, commanding, pleading request for me to volunteer again for his group.

Something inside me, as I drove my car, tuned in to this very small objection to those Other People…who really are not threatening, or close, and who don’t cross paths with me very often.

Yes…time to do The Work on THEM.

Watching to see where I believe that my only option is to tolerate…not to actually love, connect, and know that I am really similar to them.

So I begin: he should stop pestering me on the phone. 

(He’s only called me 3 times in the last year…but we’ll go ahead and call itpestering, since that’s what this mind came up with).

I don’t like his tactics, he’s too pushy, if I said what I really feel I’d look mean or frightened, he creeps me out, he should take a hint and leave me alone, he should stop calling, and I need to be accepting and tolerant!

Is it true? Really?

Yes! How will we all get along in society unless we tolerate each other? I need to politely say no and go away.

Because he’s too pushy.

Are you sure you need to just be polite and exit the situation? Are you positivehe is pushy? Is that what you really want? Is that the way you really want to live?

Are you absolutely positive there’s no way to connect more deeply with this human being? 

How do I react when I believe the thought that when someone’s voice or energy bothers me, I need to tolerate them, withdraw, avoid?

I’m believing they are dangerous somehow, that I need to be careful. When I think I need to tolerate that person, or those people, I do feel superior. I feel like I am better, different.

I’m not happy. Definitely not peaceful.

Some part of me wants to be kind, nice, gentle and easy. I want to be liked.

Once, I was at a conference and shared a room with another attendee, to save money.

She invited other attendees over for cocktails. I went to sleep with a pillow over my head while they talked and drank until 2 or 3 am.

I know that I’m a very quick and deep sleeper and mostly was sleeping, but turned over many times because of laughter, lights on, noise.

I was in pure mute Tolerant Mode. Not willing to say “could you move this party?”

How do I react when I believe that I want to be liked, or someone is a little creepy or dangerous, or I don’t know them so I have to be careful?

I’m powerless, a victim, I am distrusting, stuck, surviving, looking down my nose at them, rolling my eyes…..not thriving or free!

Who would I be without the thought that my only option with someone is to tolerate them?

So much more honest. Real. Willing to speak even though my heart is beating, and my arms are shaking and I have sweaty armpits.

Without the thought that I have to be careful…I tell the truth.

Turning the thoughts around, I find that I do not need to tolerate. That’s not good enough for me.

I don’t like my tactics, I’m too pushy with myself, if I am mean or frightened it’s honest—I’m not all peaceful all the time, I creep myself out with my images of bad stuff that might happen if I’m real, I should take a hint and leave myself alone and leave him alone by stopping blaming him for my being scared, I should stop calling myself and pestering myself to be accepting and tolerant!

Who would I be without the thought that it’s not safe to speak up, that I have to tolerate the situation?

A relief, but also a little scary, pushing beyond my usual safety zone. I’m taking a step into a unknown, mysterious universe, not a terrifying one that needs to be tolerated.

 “Most people tell you they want to get out of kindergarten, but don’t believe them. Don’t believe them! All they want you to do is to mend their broken toys. ‘Give me back my wife. Give me back my job. Give me back my money. Give me back my reputation, my success.’ This is what they want; they want their toys replaced.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I am willing to give up any reputation, image, or identity I have with being nice, tolerant, kind, gentle, forgiving, easy-going. 

I am willing to expose that I am scared and nervous chicken sometimes.

I look forward to speaking up, with kindness, directly, to connect for reals, to say the hard stuff.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. ‘If I felt completely peaceful,’ they say, ‘why would I bother taking action at all?’ My answer is ‘Because that’s what love does.’ To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become.” ~ Byron Katie

Every single time I say it, things turn out better than I ever dreamed of, even when it didn’t seem like it at first.

“Many people would be surprised that, in fact, I’m quite shy.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Love, Grace

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Disaster Creates A Hole God Shines Through

Have you ever had an incident where something of yours was stolen, vanished, taken, or moved….and you became very upset?

All of us have experienced something like this, of course, and often at a very young age.

We’re playing with a fun toy that we love, we have something special that we keep in a secret hidey place, and one day, its gone.

Or another kid (or sibling) comes along and grabs it! Right out of our hand!

The childhood memories often seem unimportant, or forgotten.

And yet, if someone comes along and takes something you believe is yours, right now, as an adult…

….you may notice the same kind of reaction on the inside as when you were a kid.

Panic! Anger! Where’s my thing?!

This is TERRIBLE! I will never find another thing like that one! It was soooo hard to get that thing! That thing cost a lot of money!

It’s *M*I*N*E* !!!

The other day I returned to my little toyota that had been parked on a city street for about five hours, and as I approached, I saw that there was a bunch of stuff on top of the roof.

Hmmm, kinda strange.

Oh look, it was MY stuff, from the inside of my car! Papers, sunglasses, umbrella, mug.

In fact, someone had ransacked the car, every cubby and glove compartment and CD case all torn open, thrown around, strewn over the back seat.

My gym bag was gone. My cool nike shoes!

Nothing was worth much.

EXCEPT THOSE SHOES! ARRGGGGHHH!

But it was almost like the images, the wondering about who was here, who did this, what they were thinking, and where my stuff was NOW would appear as an idea to follow….and then it would sort of fizzle out.

Oddly, within seconds of registering that the shoes were gone, I thought, oh, I’ve been wanting new ones.

But what if I had something really valuable in my car? A new purchase left on the seat? A secret envelope with money?

As I put things back where they were before, I thought about Byron Katie and one of her stories about returning to her home after traveling and finding everything completely gone.

Only mattresses left.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to the highest level!

I’ve been wronged! Disrespected! Attacked! Violated!

The stress rises, the worry, the images, the anger. But instead of riding that very upset horse into the sunset and screaming at the thief, wanting revenge…let’s start questioning.

Let’s see what happens, as we investigate.

Is it true that you have been wronged, violated? Do you really need those things that were once here, which are now somewhere else, apparently?

YES! Of course I need them! Can’t you see what I can’t now do, without those things?! This is BAD. This is serious!

Are you sure?

YES! That piece of jewelry was in my family for three generations! That computer cost me a ton of money! I can’t replace that car! 

I find that when I think about losing things that I value highly, I don’t really, really know that it’s true that the situation is dire, that I can’t go on, or that I can’t live without those things.

I do not know that it is true that this is 100% terrible!

How I react when I believe someone took my stuff and I need it?

Frightened! It could happen again! Angry! I am a victim! Pain, stress, tense!

Who would I be if I didn’t believe at this core, deep level that I have been violated? That I can’t go on, or that this is truly horrible, un-fixable, irreplaceable, impossible?

For me, I see that everything is temporary, when I don’t believe these thoughts.

I see that I am breathing, comfortable, even excited, connected with others….the world is actually full of stuff. Things are all around me, new items entering my life, old items leaving.

Everything changes form. Everything. 

I begin to see evidence of the turnarounds being truer than my thought that this is bad, hard, terrible, wrong.

Perhaps from this (I can see the excitement arising already) comes good, easy, wonderful, right.

Not denial (I still file the police report).

Not passive. Not at all.

Alive, thrilled, happy, creative energy.

“Every disaster, whether on a personal level or on a collective level, it looks dreadful….Often, disaster means that forms dissolve….it’s as if a hole were opening up in the fabric of existence….it’s painful, but that is the hole where God shines through.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even to stop and rest in this a moment, to entertain this possibility that all is ultimately well, that something good can come from this thing that looks like loss….

….you do not have to clap your hands for joy, only open to the idea that loss happens, and so does gain. Always.

Love, Grace

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Not Having Enough Time and What To Do About It

The YOI Group is full. However, today at 8 am Pacific Time there is room for one more person to join the 8 week teleclass (you only need a phone, but you can use skype for free). Click here to register. Send me an email if you have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com.

If you miss the first class, you can listen to the recording and catch up.

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a stressful thought appeared.

I don’t have enough time. 

Now, I do realize that I’ve written about that mysterious, captivating, desirable entity before….called TIME.

But this is just a slightly different stressful thought we’re investigating today: “I don’t have enough” as opposed to “I need more”.

In our wonderful YOI 1 group currently underway, we are in month four…and our topic this month is Everyday Complaints.

We were all finding ourselves extremely funny, laughing as we shared the awareness of the constant stream of thoughts about things like Other Slow People at the shopping center.

Several members of the group noticed the complaint about time.

Dang it!!! Did you have to bring that up again?!

It seems like there’s a limited amount of time. And I have enough creations, adventures, people to meet, people to hang out with, experiences to have, things to finish…that require ten or fifty times the quantity of time than is actually available.

We’ll also sometimes have periods in our lives where we say: “there is too much time on our hands” or “too much time spent on x”.

Two sides of the same coin. Too much or not enough.

Too much time spent on the mundane, errand-running, survival tasks like acquiring food, taking care of the house, doing laundry.

Not enough time spent on spiritual awareness, meditation, learning, making money, intimacy with others.

The mind just loves to compare and contrast, or so it seems. (I can hear the narrative teacher voice for a school essay; “Shakespeare and Proust: Compare and Contrast”).

Flashes of what you need more time for, or less time spent doing, will speed through the mind, showing images as if from a deck of cards.

Look! Vacations! Retreats! Laughing! Fun! Happiness! Good times!

Look! Toil! Work! Boredom! Loss! Sadness! Bad times!

Are you sure you don’t have enough time though?

No. No idea really.

If you said yes, then ask yourself if you are absolutely positive that you don’t have enough?

How do you react when you believe that it’s obvious that you don’t have enough time?!

I personally feel all worked up. I’m running, on the inside. Heart beat is raised. I might even start getting freaked out.

I certainly remember this feeling, although I must admit I haven’t had it in quite awhile (but I’m willing)!

With the thought that I absolutely need more time for something, I’m almost panicked. I’m angry. I might snap at other people.

Outta my way! 

My whole mission, with that thought, is to grab as much as possible before the timer runs out. It’s a contest.

Me against the universal law of time. Me against What Is.

Ouchy. Life is not fun in those moments.

So who would you be without the thought that you do not have enough time?

I LOVE not having this belief!

So exciting! Whatever is right here, what has been, what is to come, is all surrounded and contained in Enough Time.

Can you imagine?

Nothing missing, nothing that should have happened, nothing that didn’t happen.

Nothing undone, nothing ended that shouldn’t have ended. Nothing spent that shouldn’t have been spent doing just that.

It’s a weird and wonderful state…very different from the other way of thinking, it seems.

Enough time with my dad? (but, he died so long ago)! Enough time to finish the dishes? (but, they’ll be here in 5 minutes)! Enough time to mail that paperwork? (but, it takes 5 days to get there)!

Yes!

How very, very exciting!

“This may not be empowering spiritual teachings….but everything has its time, everything has its place. The ego is not in control of what’s happening. Life is in control of what’s happening.” ~ Adyashanti

What is it like to let go entirely of the grip of feeling better when the tasks get done, when the journey isn’t finished and you thought you wanted to be there by now, when the accomplishment isn’t made yet?

You’d be here, now, enjoying this present situation and opening to the orientation that all is very well, whatever is finished or unfinished.

“Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie

This includes picking up your kid, driving your other kid to the music lesson, signing the permission slip, remembering to transfer money from savings to checking, getting married, replying to the long email, washing the car, getting divorced, turning 50, saying goodbye to your best friend, waking up…..

……dying.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Room for one last person on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

YOI 2 is full. Next one starts in January 2014!

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You’re Too Afraid Of Anger–Is It True?

A lovely inquirer who has worked with me regularly for several years contacted me to start a new set of solo sessions.

She described a recent dilemma, a very stressful situation.

She encountered a person in the business world who she found intimidating.

This was a new project, a new character entering her life experience.

At first, this person was just a little bothersome. But quickly, her experience shifted to huge anxiety. He was contentious, pushy, trying to negotiate harshly.

She wanted to run.

We’ve all encountered people who frighten us at one time or another.

Once, I was sitting in my car, in a parking lot, in the winter. Doors and windows closed. I was finishing a short phone call to schedule a new client.

I looked up to see a man yelling orders at a little boy who appeared to be his son about age four. The boy was running right at the heals of the man, both arms straight at his side, a terrified but stern look on his little face.

The man yelled so loud, it made me look up through my windshield. He was shouting things like “closer! stay with me! NOW!”

They were gone in an instant, across my vision and then out of sight to the right. I had no contact with them, except to hear and see, for just a moment.

But it frightened me.

I left my car, looking over the parking lot. Instead of reading my latest book in the gym while I rode one of those bike machines…I did The Work.

The gym has been a fabulous place for writing worksheets, especially when my feelings are boiling or jumping.

I had a blank piece of paper and a pen, and if I didn’t, I would have asked for one.

I realized that this was a perfect motion-picture moment of my fear of rage. An adult angry with a kid; the smaller person has no equality…abuse, terror, no way out, hopelessness, lack of power.

Wow, I suddenly realized how afraid I was of anger. Afraid of someone who I thought had a lot of power, or physical strength.

I am undergoing a project with my son (age 19) to watch every Best Picture from every year since the very first Grammy Awards.

We started a couple of years ago, with the year 1931. We’ve gone backwards over time.

Last week we got to the year 1968 and watched Oliver Twist.

I suddenly remembered that when I watched that movie, at the young age of 6 or 7, it was the first time I learned that an adult could become wildly crazed with fury, and kill another person (his girlfriend)!

My jaw dropped open at the time, my stomach hurt, it was so haunting.

In fact the whole movie painted a picture of ideas about loss, death, tragedy, children with no parents, starving orphans, mean nasty bullies, and then….being SAVED.

As I reflected on the movie messages, I realized that way back before I even ever saw that movie, I already had learned that anger was dangerous, that I should be careful not to ruffle any feathers, and that the “good” people (good kids) don’t go around disturbing their parents!

I believed anger was bad.

This was the biggest piece of proof so far: violence and murder.

What a fantastic place for inquiry, looking at a very terrifying situation.

With this inquirer who called recently, I could tell she really wanted to know the truth.

She saw how she reacted when she believed the thought that the man she encountered was absolutely overpowering.

She crawled into bed and no longer answered his phone calls.

This can be a very wise reaction…

….but the part that hurt the most was her upset towards herself for not standing up to him, not being a rock star bee-och, withdrawing.

Who would you be without the thought that you should not run?

Who would I be without the thought that because I didn’t jump out of my car and do something, say something that day in the parking lot, that I was a chicken, or a failure?

Without the thought that you need to get tougher, say “No” more clearly, swoop in and be the Terminator?

“Whatever you take on, you do as well as you can. That’s your full potential. That’s how I do the dishes, its how I scrub the floor, it’s how I am with my children, with my husband. I do the best that I can, and that’s my full potential in the moment, and that’s good with me.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround came alive for me in the gym that day when I realized that at that particular time, place and reality, that the way it went was the best way it could have gone.

It offered a deep awareness of my fear of loud noises, yelling, and hitting.

I also realized that I had no idea, really, who that child was, or what was going on, or who the man was to the child, or what was happening next, or where they were going.

I had a huge story created in my imagination that was almost as unreal as the movie Oliver.

I noticed then too, that without the thought that anger is bad, my heart opens up to the noise that is drawing my attention (called yelling).

I see fear, panic, someone who is believing what they think, someone who is worried that the world is a dangerous place, and they need to control things or stay safe…ME.

The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ” ~ Pema Chödrön 

You’ve done the best you can. Keep inquiring.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Room for one last person on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

YOI is full. Next one starts in January 2014!

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Groups Help When The Work Isn’t Working

Last year a woman contacted me because she felt like The Work wasn’t working for her.

She would go through the process of asking herself the four questions, and turn her thoughts around, but she was still feeling pretty rotten about her relationships with some people in her life.

She was trying to do The Work on her own, she said. She would get some light bulbs of awareness.

But then have some kind of interaction in life that was pretty stressful.

Her son was really bothering her. Still. After doing The Work on him a whole bunch of times!

The idea of taking a teleclass appealed to her, but she wasn’t sure THAT would “work” either. She thought there might not be enough time, individual attention, or relief if she worked in a group.

What do we humans mean when we’re saying that something is NOT WORKING?

For me, when I’ve thought something wasn’t working well, I’ve felt pain, stress, unhappiness, worry, danger, or disappointment around the same issue or situation or person, over and over.

In other words, I feel uncomfortable emotions. And with these feelings comes the conclusion: this isn’t working! I’m at my wits end! I have to do something different!

One of the strongest places I ever experienced this was around my addiction to binge-eating and obsessing about food, or dieting, or fixing my body.

I met a life coach once who said that when people would complain and tell about a repetitive activity or experience in their lives that led to failure or unhappiness, he asked people the question sometimes,“how’s that working for ya?”  

It was a little sarcastic. I might have rolled my eyes when I was in my twenties and knew the whole relationship I had with food was NOT working for me.

Duh!

Or so I thought.

Because here’s the funny thing. When I connected for the first time with a therapist who did not appear to think I better get over this whole bulimia and self-starvation thing ASAP….

….I had the chance to study my relationship with food in a new and deep way.

Who would you be without the thought that some relationship in your life MUST end, that it is 100% not working, that you need it fixed?

Like, yesterday!?!

You might be invited to take a second look, a deeper or closer look.

You might stick with some process, or find an ongoing support group, or keep doing The Work, or keep studying, keep questioning the way you’re perceiving it all.

You might start to see it all as a fascinating and adventurous journey, with rough patches and sweet patches.

As soon as I saw what WAS working in my relationship with food, even though it felt violent, I could slow down a bit, without a demand on the inside that it must change.

I saw benefits, advantages, and reasons why that relationship was helpful. For example, when I felt too lonely, or terrified, or angry, it would help me change the channel of my feelings.

It showed me my fears, my panic about life, my mistrust. It made me reach out for help.

It showed me that I believed in there not being enough for me, or too much for me, to deal with.

I believed that I would starve or be overwhelmed, not only with food, or decisions, but with the entire world. With everything that happened.

“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.” ~ Desmond Tutu

I thought food was my enemy, my own mind was my enemy, big feelings were my enemy, and I believed my own thoughts were something I needed to be against.

As I found The Work and captured all those mean, vicious, nasty, horrible thoughts on paper…I began to feel relief.

I began to laugh.

The woman who contacted me? She enrolled in Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven.

The structure made her sit down, even if she did it 10 minutes before our group call together, and write out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

She had to share all those nasty thoughts about her own son with the group! And they didn’t dismiss her or avoid her. They listened and accepted that her thoughts were also theirs at some point or another.

She was not the worst mother ever, or the worst person.

I used to never, ever tell people that I was once someone who had bulimic episodes, had starved myself for two years. So embarrassing.

“In the story of my life as a person, something always seems to be lacking.” ~ Joan Tollifson

I received this note from the same dear woman last month:

I’d like to sign up for the Year of Inquiry group starting in September. I can’t come to the retreats, but want you to know, that I would if I lived any closer. After I took your Teleclass last year, my relationship changed not only with my son, who now speaks to me…but my brother who I had written off forever. I can hardly believe that as I did The Work and did NOT make plans to talk with my son, out of the blue he called. All I did was question my beliefs, and everything started changing. Thank you Grace, I couldn’t have done it without doing the class. Now, I just want to keep going. ~ Toronto, CANADA

If you find that you’d like the support of sinking in to this inquiry process so that it goes from your head down into your heart and your whole body (and then maybe out into the entire universe)…

…and if it appeals to you but you see that you’d like some support…

…then come on board with us for the practice of looking at and examining and understanding what you’re thinking, without pushing it away or trying to destroy it.

It might start working, you never know.

“When you believe in things that you don’t understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain’t the way.” ~ Stevie Wonder

Love, Grace

P.S. Only ONE spot left in Year of Inquiry YOI that starts on Thursday. Read about it or register here.

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

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What To Do If You Believe You Have To Get It Done

Have you ever had the experience of not being able to rest when some future event is coming?

….like a long-awaited vacation, an important presentation to a group, the launch of a new business program, throwing a dinner party, writing a book, your kids starting school.

There’s an event coming. It’s kinda exciting. Maybe it’s wildly thrilling!

You want everything to be perfect.

Just the other day I had the privilege of working with an inquirer who noticed that she was getting sort of riled up about the in-laws coming to visit.

Suddenly, she needed to clean her house from top to bottom so it sparkled.

It wasn’t fun. She felt irritable. Her to-do lists were long and never-ending.

As I sit here on my couch in my little cottage, and glance up at the room between typing words, I can find the part of my mind that does the same thing, exactly the same thing.

There are some kind of white crumbs in a little clump on the carpet. The grass in the back yard that I can see through the kitchen glass doors (which have smudges along the edges) needs to be cut, and there are some dandelions invading.

I’ve got the perfect view of the area under the island chopping block in the kitchen that has dust, crumbs, and what looks like grease or something right under it.

The environment looks imperfect.

With these eyes, I remember looking at everything this way: my job has too long a commute, I need to do more weight-bearing exercise, I should have gotten a PhD after my Master’s degree, I’ll never speak French fluently, my grandpa didn’t teach me enough about business and money, I wish my dad had lived longer, I want to be enlightened.

These eyes are still here seeing, but when this view is questioned, then I noticed there is no grip or stress following the thought that whatever I’m seeing should be improved.

How odd.

No demand that I need to move-it-move-it, go to the store, start writing, make the call, finish the project, meditate for an hour, print out the form, get the vacuum.

But if I’m not worried, or active, or aware of that upcoming deadline…if I don’t get organized and send the proposal, buy the school supplies, sign that document…then life will be hard, sad, disappointing!

I’ll be a failure if I don’t get it done! Someone else will think I’m a failure if I don’t get it done!

I have to fix it! Or die trying!

“The French doors have been left open, and this big, simple-hearted golden retriever bolts through the doors, leaps the fence, and plunges into the water, in hot pursuit of ducks….The next day, I see muddy paw prints across the otherwise spotless floors, and my heart melts. As I clean the floors, the love that I experience for this animal is huge. I know what the prints are for. They connect me to my granddog and to my son and to the lightheartedness of the animal world, and I love that I am that.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without the thought that I need to get things done, improve the situation, or fix it?

Weird, right?

When I first did this inquiry, I imagined that without the thought that I need to get on it and accomplish stuff, that I would never getting off the couch. Never doing anything. Never going to the gym. Never clean the dishes. Never return anyone’s phone call. Never meditate.

But that’s not what happened.

Without the thought that I have to do something, or get somewhere, I look up and around, I see more that’s here, right now. I smile inwardly.

As I do the dishes, I remember my grandma who they once belonged to, and think of my cute daughter who left this plate and fork in the sink.

I see the piles of papers and books on my own dresser and feel appreciation for such a fascinating person that I am that I want to accumulate so much material in the form of written words.

As I see my husband’s things collected on his dresser I see how much he reminds me of a bear, gathering stuff and setting it where he can see it, or storing it in boxes and putting it in the cave (the storage shed). So adorable.

Turning the belief around that I need to finish, complete, fix, accomplish, clean, wake up, or get something done…

…I sit with this idea that I do not need to do any of that.

“When we perceive from an undivided consciousness, we will find the sacred in every expression of life. We will find it in our teacup, in the fall breeze, in the brushing of our teeth, in each and every moment of living and dying.” ~ Adyashanti

Even just to get a taste of imagining that the turnaround is as true or truer, that I do not HAVE TO do anything, is sublime.

I don’t have to go clean under the kitchen chopping block, I don’t have to vacuum those white crumbs right now, I don’t have to stop writing, I don’t have to meditate, read, finish, “work on” whatever.

Just to even think of this idea, that you don’t HAVE TO. Test it, entertain it, see what you think about that.

It’s OK if you’re not too sure that would work very well. All it is, is an idea.

Could it be that all is well, alive, pulsing, moving without ME being involved?

Perhaps it is all imperfect and flawed and messy and chaotic and mysterious…. and that is absolutely wonderful, the way it is.

Which sort of winds up making everything seem…well…perfect.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

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Be Happy With Your Preferences

Not long ago I received a letter from an inquirer who had a long relationship with a lover that she thought of as volatile, like a roller coaster ride.

In fact, the writer had married the person in question not once, but twice. And divorced twice as well.

Even if this is not common to actually go through the ceremonies and the business legalities of marriage and divorce twice with one person…many of us know what its like to have what feels like a whacked relationship with someone.

Well, OK, I personally remember what it was like. In the experience, it felt like torture.

Too dramatic. The bliss, the hell, the peaks, the valleys.

The woman who wrote me set up an appointment to do The Work. She was in a new so-called “committed” relationship…and it was starting to smell like that old one.

She was feeling familiar pain, about not liking the way this partner was in certain really important areas: money, work and parenting.

I am not making fun of “committed” relationships when I say “so-called”…

….I say “so-called” because when I began to look at relationships and what we are calling one, what society is calling one, what I am calling one, what my neighbor is calling one, what the government is calling one….what defines a “relationship” becomes really murky.

It’s funny how many of us enjoy bonding with one other person (sometimes its called monogamy) and experiencing a very long exploration or journey with that one person.

It’s also true that many of us humans enjoy bonding with multiple different people.

I remember once a client came to work with me, such a sweet young man. He was living on a big college campus where polyamory was en vogue. In other words, the social rules were that the coolest people were sexual with anyone they wanted, any time, with no boundaries or objections.

This dear young man was trying really hard to be polyamorous, but he kept having trouble because he kept liking just one woman and wanting to connect and reconnect with primarily her, over and over.

I had to chuckle inside just a bit because I thought, wow, the construct for what is considered cool has swung clear over into another camp. In his mind, he wasn’t cool if he was monogamous!

But really, the suffering was not in whatever the social norm was, or what was considered cool or uncool, what you were or were not open to….the suffering came from him believing thoughts like this:

  • I shouldn’t like what I like, it’s wrong
  • I should be different than I am, my desires are bad
  • my preferences are too ____ (rigid, loose, boring, greedy, big, small)
  • the only place I could get satisfied is over there (even if over there is not available)
  • I am not satisfied here, with myself
  • that person I’m “with” should be better at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes

GOSH. What could we do with such stressful thoughts?

Of course, I found that a wonderful way to look at the process of “being” in a relationship that feels difficult, however that is defined, is to take out that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and really read that objectionable person (NOT YOU) the riot act.

On paper. Don’t actually read it to them!

(Unless they understand the process of The Work and want to go for it with you).

Write down what you are really, really upset about. Write what you think they should do, or say, or think, or feel.

I am upset because my boyfriend is attracted to so many other women! I am upset because she is open to being sexual with multiple other partners! I am upset because he has no job! I am upset because she has no money! I am upset because I am single!

After you do The Work on this….really questioning, weeding through it, examining your ideas and beliefs in lack, unhappiness, fear….

….you may find that you wind up where you started, with your same preference for chocolate, but not against vanilla anymore.

It’s a waaaaaay different way to be with yourself, in love with yourself, in love with your own preferences and what brings you joy.

Without people who have entirely different preferences being mistaken, wrong, condemned, or bad.

Without trying to make yourself different!

Who would you be without the thought that there is something wrong with your relationship, with the person you’ve been interested in, with what has occurred so far in the learning between the two of you?

“My legs are on the coffee table, crossed at the ankles. One person may think, how unladylike; another might think, how comfortable. But with or without the thoughts, my legs are in the perfect position. And then I notice they uncross, and then they cross again, as I watch the movie of life, frame by frame: perfection, perfection, perfection, perfection. There is no frame you could freeze and look at that wouldn’t be the way of its perfect self. Only the mind that believes what it thinks is capable of creating imperfection.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is unladylike, or something is comfortable, or something is right, something is wrong…..as I look at my relationship with that person, I watch the movie of life.

I cross paths with them, I uncross paths with them. Without stressful thoughts, my world is stunning whether with them or without them.

Without my beliefs about that Difficult Person, I found that I relaxed. I was suddenly in the present moment. Here. No past to obsess over. No argument with what happened yesterday.

I found that I could enter the turnarounds finally, with peace:

  • I should like exactly what I like, it’s right (as long as it is)
  • I shouldn’t be different than I am, my desires are wonderful
  • my preferences are just right for me, they teach me, they live for a reason
  • satisfaction is here, now, in this present moment no matter who I am with or where I am
  • I am totally satisfied with me, myself and I. I am the love of my life!
  • I should be good at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes—or notice and enjoy and hire those who are, or not.

For me, as I opened to all formats, possibilities, people and the ways they build their relationships, I noticed where I felt in integrity, out of integrity, where it was easy or not so easy for me, where was just right for my own evolution.

“I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie

I love knowing that instead of being against that Other Person that I can simply question my beliefs, and move with rest and ease towards what I prefer.

There is no feeling of lack or being abandoned, or being sad (and if there is, I can question my thinking).

“Happiness is being allowed to be happy. Happiness is acknowledging it can never be wrong to be happy. Happiness is knowing you will be happy in the future. Happiness is realizing that there could never be a time when you should be unhappy.  Happiness is what is left when you stop believing you have to be unhappy. Happiness is knowing it is okay to be happy.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Do The Work, question your stressful beliefs, and enjoy yourself.

It may be more fun than you ever imagined.

And if there’s someone you’re having trouble with…join the Thursday 8 week class Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. You can work on mother, father, son, daughter, boss, neighbor…doesn’t have to be a romantic partner.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.

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Could You Answer A Few Questions?

So grateful for the inquirers who showed up yesterday for the open telecalls to do The Work.

Deep gratitude for those who participated out loud, and those who participated by simply listening.

Here are the recording links:

Click HERE to replay the 8 am recording telecall

Click HERE to listen to the replay of the 5:15 pm telecall

I would also LOVE if you answered any of the questions in this survey (entirely anonymous) to help me improve, format, and bring The Work to you in ways that best serve you.

You don’t have to have been on the telecalls to answer some of the questions, so join in and answer whichever ones apply. I am grateful for your feedback:

CLICK HERE to answer a few questions

During the call in the morning, someone offered a really common painful belief that many humans have experienced at some time in their lives.

Have you ever had the stressful thought “that person should have honored our agreement!”

Yikes! I sure have!

In a very broad sense, I have felt this with spouse, mother, father, grandparents, best friend, man I dated, boss, co-worker, neighbor, children…

…this thought has risen in mild or extreme situations. It has encompassed my relationship to Reality in a very deep way.

Here’s what I mean:

  • my spouse should listen to me
  • my child should do what I ask
  • my mother should be patient
  • my father should live
  • money should be more available
  • my friend should have been honest with me
  • my friend should have respected me
  • my boss should have supported me
  • my co-worker should have trusted me
  • God/Source should have kept me safe

In all these situations where I believed these thoughts, there was a basic “agreement” I had in mind about how life should work, what should happen, what should be honored….and that agreement WAS NOT KEPT.

According to me.

Apparently, the other people involved had a different idea.

So who would I really, honestly be in that situation where someone didn’t meet my expectations, where they broke our agreement, where they surprised me with a change, and I did not think they shouldn’t do that?

Who says that people shouldn’t be allowed to step away, reconsider, or review their situations and make a new choice?

Even if it feels like the broken agreement hurts me?

Do I really want that person, those people, the entire universe to keep this thing I am calling an agreement and honor it forever, no matter what…even if they don’t WANT to honor the agreement?

The first turnaround to this painful belief is that the person in that troubling situation should NOT have honored their agreement.

It should have been broken.

Wow. Can I open my mind to find this opposite side of duality, the flip side of what I’ve been holding on to with resentment?

Is there anything that came out of that person not honoring the agreement we had that brought forth something important, powerful, life-changing…even magnificent?

That’s a big word.

But if we think the way it went was horrible, devastating, mean, disappointing, tragic….then we may need to find a big word for the opposite, to enter the feeling of the turnaround.

As I think about turning around my whole entire attitude, sensation and belief about this situation, can I find the possibility that this person DID honor our agreement?

I can find this to be truer for me.

That person was genuine, revealing, and real. They showed themselves….they showed their confusion, their discomfort, their fear, their love. They showed their anxiety, their belief-system.

When they apparently didn’t keep their agreement, they gave me the chance to keep my own agreement with myself: to be free, to love, to detach, to stop being a victim.

That person gave me to opportunity to say “no” freely, to say “yes” freely.

What do I really want in this life? In this situation?

To be me, to love myself, to love them, to stay awake, to allow, to let go, to know that I am OK, no matter what—even if people break their agreements with me, even if I hurt, even if I die.

And even as I consider deeply what I want, I am not sure I want anything except what is actually happening, and what has already happened….I mean, its all a Great Mystery.

“All that happiness is already supplied, but the unquestioned mind is so loud you don’t realize the happiness underneath that mind….You’re not in charge of it. It’s already there for you. I don’t have to do anything for my happiness; I just notice the world without my story, and in that I notice that I’m happy. It’s always supplied….The unquestioned mind fights anything that would bring you joy.”~ Byron Katie

Could it be true that even if that person is doing that thing that doesn’t appear kind or loving, that I am still at the very core deeply happy?

OK, if “happy” is a bit too much…how about OK? Are you still OK, no matter what has happened? You’re reading this, right?

Yes.

“The Master never reaches for the great; thus she achieves greatness. When she runs into a difficulty, she stops and gives herself to it. She doesn’t cling to her own comfort; thus problems are no problem for her.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #63

Click here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.

Love, Grace

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Competition Seen Clearly – No Win or Lose, Better or Worse

Reminder: Free Calls Work With Grace TODAY! Talk soon!

Phone: 206-402-0100 PIN Code 305799#

Skype: Call “joinconference” in your keypad, and then enter PIN 305799#

Listen on your computer (no talking):Click here to listen at 8 am Pacific Time

Listen on your computer (no talking): Click here to connect at 5:15 pm 9/5

*******

This past weekend in the US and Canada we had a long weekend, with Monday being a holiday.

The sun was bright, the smell of the sea air rich and fabulous, seagulls calling and sweeping through the air, as my two children and husband rode off on the ferry to Victoria, British Columbia, for high tea.

I am a British Citizen and so are my two children, even though they haven’t been to England (yet).

This two day adventure was planned long ago.

One brilliant part of the journey was spending half a day (and we wanted more) in the Royal BC Museum.

There just happened to be a display, in gorgeous photography and timelines, of the sordid and dramatic tale of one of my favorite stories (for some weird reason)….humans making it to the South Pole.

The continent had been visited. But now, there was interest in getting to the actual middle of the South Pole, the very center.

A great competition unfolded. Norwegians versus the Brits. Who would get there first?

If you don’t know the brutal story of these journeys…I’m afraid I have to reveal the ending.

The Norwegians won. And the final British party made it, stuck their flag in next to the tattered Norwegian flag and tent, and on their way back to safety…perished.

Based on the diary of the leader of the Brits, I had to chuckle when he wrote “the worst has happened” as they spied the Norwegian flag flying in the distance, and they realized they had lost the race.

Competition is a fierce and sometimes desperate energy…and a little skewed from reality.

The two extreme sides of it are 1) absolute intense determination to win, an almost enraged sense of purpose, ready to destroy anything in the way (not that I’ve ever felt that before).

And, 2) a similar intensity which says “I will not play, I don’t care, I refuse to compete, I give up entirely, I am nothing, I won’t do it.” (I wouldn’t know about that one either).

Many of us have touched on both sides, or at least felt the immense yearning for the power to win or succeed, or the power to refuse to play and to be very small.

But even if you haven’t felt the extremes…the awareness of competing enters into many peoples’ minds every day.

It’s called Comparison.

I saw concepts written right in front of me, in the story of the two leaders who raced to the South Pole, with their entire countries behind them waiting for the news of their success or defeat.

They wanted to be The One. They were willing to go to any lengths.

Which turned out to be Death for several of them.

“Every ego wants to be special. If it can’t be special by being superior to others, it’s also quite happy with being especially miserable. Someone will say, ‘I have a headache,’ and another says, ‘I’ve had a headache for weeks.’ People actually compete to see who is more miserable! The ego that does that is just as big as the one that thinks it’s superior to someone else.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

The way you know you are comparing yourself to someone else and having a little competition moment is that you see them, and something clenches inside.

I’ve had thoughts like these (some are kind of embarrassing):

  • she’s made it in her business in her 30s, she’s way ahead of me, I’m running out of time
  • he’s published four books, I’ve published zero
  • she has a gazillion more followers on her Facebook page
  • she has a ton of education to still finish so she won’t be my competition any time soon
  • he hates himself too much to become ultra successful (in which case I might be jealous)
  • I can’t believe with such a goofy haircut he was on Oprah and teaches sold out retreats
  • her life story is so extreme I’ve faced nothing compared to that, it makes me look like I got stung by a bee and thought it was the end of the world

That kind of thinking, while so immature, separating and busy that you may want to dismiss it and ignore it…is wonderful to question.

It allows those thoughts of competition to live, and be honored.

Maybe the energy of the competition is there as a striving to survive, to master, to create…who knows?

So who would I be without these thoughts as I see the varied and enormous number of characters enter and exit my thoughts, my awareness, my environment?

What if I couldn’t even have the thoughts that someone is better or worse off than me? Doing well or Not-so-well? Us versus Them? Bigger vs Smaller?

The idea that there’s a perfect image of success vs what’s-actually-happening?

I had the thought that without such a furious feeling of competition, perhaps all the men racing to the South Pole would have lived, and worked together….but then the story wouldn’t be so exciting, or such a teacher, something worthy of museum display 100 years later.

And if the ultimate competition is to go beyond this life on earth…well then the British won. (Ha!)

The turnarounds to this thinking truly are “I don’t know” what is success, there is no better or worse, there is no end point to the win or the lose (something always happens next), it is impossible to measure anything absolutely.

Everything simply is the way it is…beautifully, perfectly, kindly empty or full.

The first time I went to see Adyashanti, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, I said as I came to the microphone full of questions and desperation about understanding All This.

With trembling hands and tearful voice, I took the mic. “I never heard of you before until recently, and I’m so glad to be here.”

He replied “I never heard of YOU before either.”

Love, Grace

If you’re ready to join in the company of other amazing inquirers and work together (even if you notice comparison arise) then join us:

 

Click here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass.

Click here to read about or register for YOI!

 

Love, Grace

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Be Honest When You’re Stuck And Join With Others

Everyone: tomorrow I am offering two 90-minute free telecalls to do The Work of Byron Katie.

No experience necessary. And if you have a ton of experience, you’re welcome to join as well!

There’s room for 25 people on the phone or skype, the first 8 or so can participate in the process, with everyone free to ask questions or comment at the very end.

100 people can be there by clicking on the weblink and listening in via computer, although you won’t be heard or seen “live” on the call.

Even if you do not speak out loud during the inquiry process, you can follow along and do your own personal work.

Come with a pen and paper so you can write some of your answers on paper, and have clear concepts to work with beyond this phone call….you’ll know what you can take through the inquiry process later, on your own or with a facilitator.

I will be recording the calls and putting a link to them, if they sound OK technically, on my website and to share with others who are wanting to learn to question their thinking.

Which means, only plan on participating if you don’t mind having me identify you by your first name, and if it’s OK with you that you are recorded.

We will do The Work on a common, stressful underlying belief identified by someone on the call.

I can’t wait to meet with you, whoever shows up.

These calls are Pacific Time!
Time: Thursday, September 5th
Listening method: Phone + Web Simulcast
Phone number: (206) 402-0100
PIN Code: 305799#
To attend on your computer, visit:

The other day when I was thinking about these calls, imagining and working with this process to create one complete phone session as a service for people reminds me once again of how simple, yet complex, The Work is.

Self-inquiry is so confusing sometimes!

When I first encountered The Work when reading Loving What Is, I didn’t even have a reference for asking myself if something was true or not.

It was like someone would ask “Is it true?” and I’d look to the left, to the right, and say “Who me? You talkin’ to me?”

(You can put on a tough-guy east coast accent like Robert Deniro when you say this).

I wasn’t even sure, up to that point, that I actually wanted to be the one to answer the question of whether or not something was true for me.

In fact, my general approach to life was that it was chaotic, frightening, freakish, impersonal, cold and not to be trusted.

This was the problem! I didn’t know what was or was not true! Things were deceiving around here!

Now, a decade later after contemplating and answering this question many times…I at least know that no one else can tell me the answer I have.

If I think “life is scary” then no one can talk me out of it (in any permanent way) or soothe me enough, or calm me down once-and-for-all.

I have to answer that question myself…and then keep going with the other questions of The Work.

The funny thing about this that I’ve found, is that some of the most powerful, life-changing, mind-changing moments I’ve had have been in the presence of other people, as we all listen and hold the questions together.

Or as someone facilitates me through the questions, not letting my mind slip away into other interests or into remembering the story.

The power of another person being with you as you answer the questions known as The Work can be truly profound.

You are witnessed, you are real and honest, you are authentic. At least, this is what I have experienced.

Everything is exposed, nothing is hidden. It’s a confession of the real me, the truth, and then…no attack on this expression, but instead loving kindness.

This is freedom!

Come join a group of inquirers on the phone together, seeing who we could be without our stories.

We’re all in this together, no matter what stage or phase or unique situation. In fact, there is even connection between us that knits together without even trying, just by sharing our woes and pain.

“When we start out on a spiritual path we often have ideals we think we’re supposed to live up to. We feel we’re supposed to be better than we are in some way. But with this practice you take yourself completely as you are. Then ironically, taking in pain—breathing it in for yourself and all others in the same boat as you are—heightens your awareness of exactly where you’re stuck. Instead of feeling you need some magic makeover so you can suddenly become some great person, there’s much more emotional honesty about where you’re stuck.” ~ Pema Chodron 

Only one space left for YOI Year of Inquiry group that starts on Thursday 9/12.

Still 3 spots left in the 8 week shorter teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven at 9/12 at 8 am.

If connecting with a group to question your beliefs sounds wonderful, then maybe now’s the time!

Click here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass.

Click here to read about or register for YOI!

Love, Grace