Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Hitting Bottom, Giving Up, And Entering Now

Recently I was listening to an old recording of a man called Father Martin, who was an alcoholic who entered a treatment facility for clergymen in 1958.

The recording had little tick and gravelly sounds, like it was very old, a nostalgic feel like a moment from history.

I could hear this man using a powerful mind to analyze, comprehend, and understand this process of alcoholism, and his own painful experience.

The day before I listened to the recording, I had been a part of a spontaneous and profound discussion amongst myself and three other wonderful friends (one being my husband) as we left an event at the same time.

It had been one of those beautiful conversations that arises unexpectedly where we were all sharing deep observations, standing there with our bags and backpacks, having thought we were going home but instead lingering for over 90 minutes until after midnight, listening to one another, thinking, observing out loud.

A council of the wise, in an unplanned moment.

One point that had come up with these dear friends…why some people suffer, crash, find peace or make significant life changes, and why some do not?

For example, why do some addicts hit bottom, find themselves in ruin, recognize a deep need to stop the way they view the world, and make a life change….and some do not?

As I listened to Father Martin I thought of that conversation. I thought that actually, everyone does stop.

It’s just that some people do it before they die. Others wait until death.

“When a person says I can’t handle it, I need help….there’s hope.” ~ Father Martin

I thought about this balance between learning and growing within this individual mind and the support and help I’ve received from what appears to be outside this thing called “me”.

Such an odd thing.

Aware of this “me” that is a personality and a body, that was born and will die on its own….and yet noticing that whatever this person here is….it is a part of the molecules and surrounding entities, life, environment, objects, energies, influences, other people, everything.

Truly connected to it all, in the soup with it all. Entirely merged with everything, part of a field.

But enough of the cosmic stuff.

There is something comforting about the possibility of entering a moment of surrender, agony, or disaster that forces an individual to wake up.

Or if not comforting exactly, something magnetic about that story. He or she was like that, for many years….and then one day…something happened.

And it was good. The suffering at such an acute level was over.

It doesn’t have to be about alcohol.

In fact, its not really ever about drinking alcohol, using, smoking, compulsively surfing the internet, not being able to stop cleaning your house, or any other “addictive” process.

All those behaviors are born out of difficult THINKING. Difficult perceptions, believing painful thoughts. Having a relationship to the universe that is fearful, nervous, sad, worried, angry.

“Your whole life has been about finding a way out. You’ve tried therapy,
coaching, meditation, bodywork, creative visualization, positive thinking,
network marketing, blue-green algae, everything you can possibly try to
save you. And suddenly you realize there is no way out. There is a complete stop. You are simply here. There’s no escape.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Dang it! I wanted the Get-Outta-Normal-Life-Free Card!

Not really. Not now.

As I look back on my own life journey, I remember the time in my twenties when I was suicidally depressed. My moods swung from wildly hopeful to horrendously pessimistic.

Life felt very volatile, unpredictable and frightening. I reached out for help. I did NOT want to die young.

What was really volatile, unpredictable and frightening? My stories about the world, my thinking.

I suppose I did hit bottom in that story…facing the fact that my own approach to life was not working, was too stressful, was deadly.

I not only quit binge-eating and starving myself and smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol in drunken quantities….I most importantly began to question what I believed at a very, very deep level.

When you can stop long enough to question your thinking for a moment when difficult things happen, then your bottoms and tops become closer together, less deep, less high.

Maybe there are little bottoms all day long, little reminders that you are not in charge, you are not getting special treatment, and there’s really no way out of this.

Just in case you’re one of those people who may be thinking you have never hit bottom, or had a huge shake-up, or never faced a moment when it was a matter of life or death for you to change….and you long for a Big Change…

…answer right now: is it true that you need to hit bottom? that you need big pain or confusion to alter your life experience? that you need to have some major shift of consciousness like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle?

Is it true that you need to wake up out of dream NOW, with a bang? Do you need to have a big discovery inside to henceforth have a better life?

No, doesn’t appear to be true. Some people wake up more gently and slowly, in baby steps.

Some people don’t make much change.

The thing about hitting bottom is that you don’t really know you hit it until long afterwards, and you look back and can see how you turned in a different direction.

Without the belief that I need to shift, change, have a waking up experience, become enlightened, see differently….then I really have just about no future.

I am here now with no expectations.

No way out.

“Stand in your own shoes, and examine closely: What’s happening right here and right now? Is it possible to let go of trying to make anything happen? Even in this moment, there may be some suffering, there may be some unhappiness, but even if there is, is it possible to no longer push against it, to try to get rid of it, to try to get somewhere else?” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

P.S. only one space left for YOI group that starts on Thursday 9/12. If connecting with a group to question your beliefs for a year sounds wonderful, then maybe now’s the time! Join us!

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Don’t Get Suckered In (And Other Benefits of The Work of Byron Katie)

I was on the radio!

Donna Markusson, educator, coach and radio personality, interviewed me and she did The Work with me–she was fabulous. (Her personal website iswww.yourinspiredtruth.com)

Click HERE to listen.

Her identified stressful thought? Those teenager boys should clean up their messy rooms!

Thinking about other people and how they ought to be cleaner, not make the mess, have the same artistic sensibility, or like things the same way we do is so common.

And very frustrating if you really believe it should change.

How often have I looked at my environment and then thought about how if something were adjusted or presented differently, it would be more pleasing.

It’s the way that critical mind seems to work.

I see this room, and while I love the paint color, it would be BETTER if the carpet was vacuumed, and if the little nail holes in the walls were filled and made invisible, and it would be nice if there were nothing on the table whatsoever, no papers or torn envelopes from yesterday’s mail.

And the cream-colored sofa looks a little tiny bit dirty on the middle cushion. And the heating grate is quite dusty, plus the blinds don’t turn open all the way because of a jam in the cord, and there’s a spider web above the lamp, and the lamp isn’t very exciting artistically.

Gosh, this whole place is completely imperfect, really.

The thing is, this way of thinking used to be so frustrating. Now, it does seem to fade out quickly, or it appears quite hilarious.

The feeling you have when thinking these kinds of thoughts is the key to understanding.

“Stress is an alarm clock that let’s you know that you’ve attached to something NOT true for you.” ~ Byron Katie

If I can notice and grip against reality, and feel stress, with one room, guess what I could do with the whole world?

Well, I did do that with the whole world.

That was pretty much my life in the past, the way I saw things, every moment. Needing improvement. Not quite right. Needing a major overhaul.

I saw myself that way most of all.

Disappointment at this dusty, stained, boring, frightening, caustic or unenlightened world and unenlightened person that lived here (me).

The way I reacted when I believed the thought that things would really be better if….and things are really not that good because….

….I was depressed. Sad, very angry, and shaking my fist at the Universe.

I loved when I first started imagining who I would be if I didn’t have the thought that something needed to change.

It’s an incredible and enormous question.

It’s like pulling the plug out of the socket. Suddenly, very empty space. Who would I be without my story, in that situation, in this room with the spider web?

I realize that I began to feel who I would be as a feeling of expansion, like flying through the sky, so free. Very mysterious, unknown, unimaginable.

I didn’t even know WHAT I would be without the thought….I started forgetting what I had been thinking that was so true.

I began to realize that all the thoughts come and go like fine sand falling through a sieve.

I hadn’t seen that before, ever. I would leave that imperfect room and basically forget all about it, until I returned to it again, and sometimes even THEN I would forget all about it.

I realized that my mind would change. The torn envelopes would still be on the table, but they would look sort of beautiful, or magical. I might toss them in the recycle bin.

Who would you be without your story, your beliefs, your resistance, your demands, your judgments, your criticisms?

I used to think I would be nothing….and that was terrible.

It’s terrible not to have stories…is that true?

Hee hee.

“In the unconditioned consciousness there’s no commentator, there’s no interpreter of the moment….The “me” does not like that state. There’s nothing in it for the “me”. What am I going to believe in? What about my point of view? What happened to all the people I blame, or my miserable existence?…..The idea is not to get RID of the me, the idea is not to be suckered in by it. There’s a big difference. The only thing that tries to get rid of a me, is a “me”. ~ Adyashanti

The way you know you are believing something, that you got suckered in, is you feel unhappiness…fury, dischord, hate, sadness, terror, irritation.

The solution isn’t to fix yourself, get rid of your thoughts (it doesn’t work) or force yourself to like messy rooms, when you don’t.

It’s slowing way down to see what’s going on with your viewpoint, if you might be off, and how.

The best way I know how to do this is with The Work, with self-inquiry, looking, looking, stopping, waiting for your answers to the questions.

It’s “work” but it’s so worth it.

Love, Grace

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Wanting Something Reminds You To See If You Have It (You Do)

One of the most painful ways I used to pick at myself was through comparison of my life to Other People With Money.

I still notice a sense of embarrassment that appears when remembering what went on in my mind when I was in lots of turmoil about income, having enough, receiving, getting money, making money, wanting money.

I would step out of my cute little cottage and down the front porch steps between the two cherry trees to go on a walk in my neighborhood, something I did often, maybe several times a week.

I’d notice the fresh smell, look into the beautiful sky, get about 100 yards to my first right turn, and then….oh look.

Here I am again on the street of the Lucky People, the ones with all the money, who can afford the beachfront houses with docks.

One after the other images passed by, as I walked.

This gorgeous house, that ornamental tree, this lush fountain, that full sized statue from a distant land, the razor-trimmed lawn, that mercedes.

Boy, that must be nice. 

I would actually think this with a sarcastic voice.

How did they get their money? What’s the trick?! Where’d they get that marble? How can they afford to completely demolish their previous house and put up a freakin’ brand new one?

They are a million miles from me in life experience, and ten million dollars.

I am over here, living in 710 square feet and a weedy unkempt lawn not able to go see Byron Katie or do that meditation retreat because I can’t pay the program fees.

The people in these houses are having fun, they are free, secure, educated, they can breathe, fill their larders with fabulous groceries, order take-out, and attend any workshops, trainings or adventures they want.

And they probably buy jet skis instead! They don’t even realize how good they have it!

Hoooooooonnnnnk!

That honking noise means “Everyone, get out of the water, NOW!”

Guess who “everyone” is? Yes, that’s right. That would be the Complaints-About-Money Committee in my own head.

All these voices jabbering, swimming and splashing and shouting stressful, troubling, uncomfortable, Poor Me, Lucky Them beliefs.

These voices can be quite sophisticated and subtle, and faster than a speeding bullet.

They can say “well, I’m not ultra rich like THAT, I could start a non-profit (I should), I’m wasting my opportunities, I don’t even care that much about money, there are people starving so at least I’m not suffering…”

The time to stop is when you feel stress. Whatever your thoughts, when the feelings are uncomfortable or sad, or disturbing, or irritated…that’s how you know to listen to the horn when it blows, and get out.

Which means…stop, take a breath, and go get a pen and paper.

Stop believing the rapid-fire comparisons that keep a gap as wide as the Grand Canyon between me and Those Other People, between me and my own joy and happiness.

Many times, I returned home from my walk and sat down and began to write.

I would be happy if I had more money.

Is that true?

Oh, absolutely!! I can tell, because when I look at these houses and gardens and cars right out there around the corner, I KNOW those equal happiness.

Um. Yeah. Now that I realize what I just wrote…

No, I can’t absolutely know it’s true that money = happiness.

In fact, I didn’t actually see any people out there who weren’t like me, just humans out on a street moving from point A to point B.

But what about the workshops and trainings? They are happier because they can go to them!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you need a training? Are you sure you absolutely could not be happy unless in this moment you were at a meditation retreat with a great enlightened master?

Really?

Are you sure you cannot enlighten yourself, make friends with the Complaint Committee, be at peace, rest, know God/Source/Reality right where you are?

Because wouldn’t that be a weird universe if truth only existed over there, not over here?

Even if things are falling apart over here (apparently, in your opinion remember) ….like your bank balance?

Who would you be without the belief that you really need more money in order to be truly happy?

(Or education, health, beauty, peace, knowledge, wisdom, balance, silence, companionship, courage, recognition).

But, this feels almost like the opposite of the way I’ve thought since I was five.

Not needing MORE of something? Not needing some kind of improvement?

And yet…impossible or foreign as it seems at first…as you enter into this unknown territory of imagining who you would be without the belief that you need more of something….

….what fun. How incredible. Stunning.

“Everyone has equal wisdom. It is absolutely equally distributed. No one is wiser than anyone else. Ultimately, there is no one who can teach you, except yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the beliefs around that I need money, I need retreats, I need that house over there, I want success (and I know what success is)…I consider not needing any of these things.

Standing there on the street, looking all around, walking back to my cottage, entering and sitting…I feel completely how I do not need more money to have this moment, to be breathing here now, to have taken a walk.

I do not need a retreat, because as it turns out, I am in complete silence entirely alone, with a stretch of hours ahead of me….

…and who’s your favorite teacher?!!

That would be me.

And when it isn’t, thank goodness for questioning the mind!

“Whenever I want an object, it’s not really the object I want. I want the experience the object will give me. Even if it’s a secure life and lots of money, what experience will I get when I have that? Is it here now? Is there anything deeper than that? And deeper than that? It will lead you right back into a state of presence….WHY you’re wanting is because the fulfillment is already there, trying to get your attention!” ~ Adyashanti

Perhaps all the money, luxury, ease, security, knowledge, wisdom, retreats, adventure, workshops, power, or enlightenment that have entered my consciousness at the moments I’ve wanted them are because the universe was reminding me I ALREADY HAVE THEM.

Perhaps those little (or desperately huge) wantings have been gifts, reminders.

Helping me remember that there is nothing, nothing, nothing outside of me that will bring me greater happiness than is already present.

My inner truth will not let me off the hook, going swimming in the lake of believing somewhere else besides here is better.

Including sitting in a big pile of money.

Love, Grace

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Free Calls on 9/5 The Work of Byron Katie With Grace

Only two weeks until two wonderful programs start!

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven 8 week group, and A Year of Inquiry Thinking Recovery Program from 9/2013 to 8/2014.

I’ve had so many questions about the upcoming two classes that begin on 9/12 that today I’ve decided to offer two free Group Inquiry calls scheduled for Thursday, September 5th.

The first free call will be at 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific time (the same time as the 8 week Relationship Hell To Heaven Class) and the second free call will be 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific Time (the same time as the Year Of Inquiry YOI Group).

Everyone is welcome.

You do not have to be thinking of joining the Relationships 8 week teleseminar OR the One Year of Inquiry Group (YOI), but the group call will give you a good sense of what it’s like, in case you are considering it.

YES, you can enjoy this call even if you know you can’t join the 8 week class or the YOI group.

This is your chance to set aside 90 minutes (there is no fee) and see what happens as you question a stressful thought with a group.

You can be brand new to The Work, or really familiar with The Work.

This work is for everyone…everyone interested in understanding and dissolving their experience of suffering.

The conference call can accommodate 25 people live on the line, to participate, ask questions, or just be there. There is also room for 100 people to listen via their computer by clicking on the link below, instead of dialing-in live.

If you know you’d like to be there, but don’t feel the need to participate by voice, then join the call via your computer by clicking the link, and listen there.

Then we’ll have room for everyone! (other calls have always had more than 25 folks wanting to join).

We will start with a short introduction, and then pick a stressful thought that is common and troubling, and everyone can move through inquiry whether you speak out loud or not.

The power of the group, the support, the slowing down of the mind by walking through this together can be phenomenal. This is a time to nurture yourself, and be in meditation.

The silence and awareness possible can bring something different and sacred to what you can do all by yourself, if you notice you’ve been stuck or repeating the same old stories.

At the end we will have some Q and A time for anyone interested in finding out more about YOI (Year of Inquiry) or the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven (both start 9/12) or any other upcoming teleclasses or mini-retreats starting this fall.

Here is the information to tuck away and save for September 5th:

Title: Free Group Teleclass in The Work of Byron Katie PLUS Q and A
Time: Thursday, September 5th at 8:00 am and at 5:15pm Pacific
Listening method: Phone + Web Simulcast
Phone number: (206) 402-0100
PIN Code: 305799# 
 
To attend the 8:00 am session by computer, please visit:

To attend the 5:00 pm session by computer, please visit:

Love, Grace

P.S. The classes both have room for a few more, but they are filling fast. They may be full by the time the free calls come around, so no guarantee of a spot. However, there’s always more Guided Group Inquiry in the future 🙂

 

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The Sorrow of Uprooting Old Joy So New Joy May Enter (YOI JOY)

Today I sat quietly reflecting and staring out the window at the clouds (moments before starting this Grace Note).

As big puffy cotton balls sailed by above, I heard in my mind the voices of the participants from the One Year Group (known as YOI for Year of Inquiry and rhymes with Joy). We had met earlier on the phone and skype for our weekly call.

I was reminded of the various experiences of us humans, the inner life of all of us, what is in the mind, and what seems to be beyond…or more than…the mind.

As members of the group checked in on the call, before we began our process of inquiry using The Work, everyone seemed to drop to a new level of intimacy, honesty and truth.

I find that a circle of seekers and inquirers is so sacred, sweet and authentic, that gratitude for everyone there, no matter where they were in that moment, swept through me.

The sharing went something like this (this is the short version):

  • I think we’re all getting the hang of facilitating with all this practice
  • I feel more confident about my life and not knowing anything
  • I’m asking myself if things are true all day long
  • I feel raw, I just had a big fight with my wife, but I’m here
  • Sometimes I don’t know if I belong, I’m so sad
  • I sometimes can’t sleep lately (I’m so excited about possibility)
  • I’m beginning to look at all the subtle, daily thoughts that I never even noticed before
  • it feels like I’m starting to “live” the work

Here’s the funny thing: many of us have never even met in-person. We only connect via voice (although many of us will meet next month in person).

And yet, a great sense of intimacy is being built….and maybe even friends for life.

My contact with others was not always this way. I used to think of being completely real as being dangerous.

If I tell about all the piddly details of my day, or my angst, or my unhappiness, I will turn other humans off. They won’t like me. They’ll kick me out. They won’t get me.

I’ll be rejected, I’ll be alone.

However, when we know what to DO with all the petty, stressful thinking, then suddenly, sharing our greatest fears, anxieties and irritations becomes so much more exciting.

There is present the complainer, the victim, the dictator, the one who is suffering…and then there is also present the wise facilitator, the one who is free, the one who is fine with whatever happens.

Byron Katie says anyone with an open mind can do this, can question what they think that hurts.

I love that anyone can do this work. Even if you sometimes (or often) have a closed mind, you can do this. 

Even if you think “I’m a hard nut to crack” or “I have too much anger” or “I’m too unenlightened, I’ll never truly get what life is about” or “I am too into suffering and not enough into peace.”

Is that true? Are you sure there’s no hope for you? Are you positive you should have made more progress in this whole peace/suffering conundrum?

Are you really absolutely sure that it would be better if you were feeling confident, happy and blissed-out right now (and can you know what those feelings actually mean)?

Yes! I would be better off if I FELT FABULOUS!

That other feeling…the one where I feel sad, angry, scared, alone or upset…that is to be eliminated, avoided.

I notice that when I believe that difficult or troubled feelings should go away, ASAP, that I freeze, I get a plan, I feel frightened of the future, I worry.

I think that other people won’t like me (since they are probably on the same track of avoiding bad feelings and bad-feeling Other People).

And who who I be without the thought that I should be different, feel different, feel peaceful, or change?

Weird. But. Whole chunks of my life have been dedicated to me changing. Me canceling out my suffering.

I turn around the thoughts: I shouldn’t be different than I am, I shouldn’t feel different, I should feel war, I should feel angry, I should feel afraid, I shouldn’t change. 

How could this be true?!

Hmmm. It certainly does take the pressure off to not demand that I change.

It reminds me that I have a great inner compass of feelings that say “you are believing stressful thoughts!”

I feel a sense of acceptance, gentleness, and kindness towards myself. And that appears to extend out to others, when I’m not screaming at myself to change.

I can see what’s actually interesting about anger, fear, or sadness, as odd as that sounds.

Reality includes these troubling feelings, it’s not like they aren’t allowed in a friendly universe.

The feelings themselves don’t kill me. I’m still alive. I’m still breathing, and talking, and connecting with others.

Having a hard time in my life keeps me alert, paying attention, going through the fire of enlightenment.

My feelings make sure I’m not let off the hook…in a good way.

“There are two distinct aspects of your inner being. The first is you, the awareness, the witness, the center of your willful intentions; and the other is that which you watch. The problem is, the part that you watch never shuts up. If you could get rid of that part even for a moment, the peace and serenity would be the nicest vacation you’ve ever had….Real spiritual growth is about getting out of this predicament. But first, you have to realize that you’ve been locked in there with a maniac.” ~ Michael Singer

Somehow, when I simply realize that I’m telling myself scary stories, something inside feels lighter, kinder.

Oh! I see now! That one part of me likes to show horror movies! But that’s not all of me!

I notice that even though I jump around all over the place in this mind, part of me stays still.

“On the other side of our thinking, generosity naturally appears. There’s nothing we need to do to achieve it. It’s simply what we are.” ~ Byron Katie

When my story is that everyone is exactly where they need to be, including me, then I almost want to break into laughter. Because I have made so much effort to work on the project of life…and changing bad feelings.

My gratitude swells as I think of the YOI Group and everyone’s voices, and distinct and precious personalities.

And appreciation then rises for my family, my other clients, other humans walking outside, and every single irritating or scary person I’ve ever met, or will meet.

An alternative translation to part of the beautiful words of Rumi’s Guesthouse (translated by Kabir Helminski):

“The body is a Guest House, every morning someone new arrives. Don’t say ‘oh another weight around my neck!’ or your guest will fly back to nothingness. Whatever enters your heart is a guest from the invisible world: entertain it well….

If a sorrowful thought stands in the way, it is also preparing the way for joy. It furiously sweeps your house clean, in order that some new joy may appear from the source. It scatters the withered leaves from the bough of the heart, in order that fresh green leaves might grow. It uproots the old joy, so that a new joy may enter from Beyond….” ~ Jelaluddin Rumi

Love, Grace

P.S. Join the YOI Group, a thinking recovery program. We begin 9/12.

YOI JOY!

 

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When Caretaking Pushes Your Buttons

Taking care of someone, like children, elderly parents, or someone sick can sometimes be a deeply frustrating experience for many humans.

It doesn’t mean you are not compassionate, that you are mean-minded, selfish, impatient or too restless….but often, that’s what we’ll think about ourselves when we get upset in the care-taking role.

There’s something wrong with me. I am simply not good enough for this job.

The attack towards yourself can be quick, and vicious.

The easiest way I’ve found to alter the negative bits of care-taking is to first, allow all your thoughts to be there that are petty, childish and mean.

Really. This may feel like a strange confession. Like you can hardly believe you are thinking such nasty thoughts.

But only then can you really see what they are, and explore why they are arising and what’s happening for you when they do.

When I was a young mother, I often felt exasperated with the relentless nature of taking care of kids.

And I had no reference for why….I felt guilty that I was so tired, irritable and wanted so desperately for a break.

I loved and adored my kids, in fact, it felt like the most decisive, abiding love I had ever experienced.

But sometimes, I felt like I reached a point of complete exhaustion, even depression.

I would think things that I thought were embarrassing, and I would complain to myself with thoughts like the following:

  • my kids are driving me crazy with their noise, activity, busy-ness, sleeplessness, crying, yelling, repetition
  • when I think about my kids getting hurt, getting lost, or dying, I am desperately sad and frightened
  • I am the guiding force for my kids’ success in life–like with money, school, success, self-esteem, opportunity, discipline
  • my kids’ lives aren’t as good as they could be because: I got divorced, I don’t have lots of money, they didn’t take music lessons, I’m not strict enough about doing chores…etc
  • I should be better at this
  • my own parents shouldn’t have taught me what they did, they didn’t do a very good job—it’s their fault!

You may think variations of these kinds of thoughts if you’re a teacher, a doctor, a boss, a leader.

The outcome is your responsibility, you hate the idea of things going “badly”, you haven’t done the best you can do, you should be liking it more, be more patient, be calmer, be more loving.

A few weeks ago, a mom set up several appointments to receive facilitation through her stressful beliefs about her teenage son.

I could hear that she was having crazed-mother thoughts.

She had a weird loop-de-loop of thinking that I myself remembered clearly: he’s driving me nuts with all the attention he demands, I want alone time, I shouldn’t have to worry about this, I wish he was in school, the school is bad for him, but he’s driving me nuts with all the attention he demands, I want….

Oh boy. That was me!

It’s hard having the battle of opposing thoughts: this situation is hard, and I should be doing a better job.

Is it true? Are you sure you should be doing better? Are you sure the person you’re caring for should be easier to care for?

“A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he’s in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.” ~ Bill Cosby

Are you sure the only way to find peace is by leaving the house?

Are you sure the noise should stop, the questions should end, or that you should have the perfect answer?

Do you really need that situation to change so that you can be happier, stop worrying, relax, feel good?

Who would you be without the thought that your children, or anyone else you care for, are tough, loud, difficult or problematic in a way that you can’t handle?

What if you CAN handle it?

I turned the troubling thoughts around to find their opposites, and find honest examples of how these turnarounds are genuinely true:

  • my thoughts about kids and parenting are driving me crazy with noise, activity, busy-ness, sleeplessness, crying, yelling, repetition in my head
  • when I think about my kids getting hurt, getting lost, or dying, I do not have to feel sad or frightened, I can feel joy for their life
  • I am NOT the guiding force for my kids’ success in life, I am only the guiding force for my own thoughts, which I can question…and not even those
  • my kids’ lives are BETTER because: I got divorced, I don’t have lots of money, they didn’t take music lessons, I’m not strict enough about doing chores…etc. They’ve learned incredible things about living without those opportunities. They are freer!
  • I am great at this
  • my own parents taught me what they did, and they did a very good job

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.”~ Byron Katie

Taking care of someone, and taking care of your troubling thoughts…you may find your relationship with the entire universe changes.

If you don’t have to be perfect.

If the dilemma of care-taking is not one to be solved, if this person you’re caring for appears difficult…what can you realize about yourself that you didn’t want to know?

You may find that you don’t have to try so hard…maybe not try at all.

You’ll just BE love.

If you want to jump right in to this particular topic….the YOI (Year Of Inquiry)starts 9/12 and the first two months are on who parented you, and then any topic around authority including parenting.

We do have fun, uncovering our stressful thoughts.

Love, Grace

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How To Understand The Neediness You See (Is It Your Glasses?)

A dear old friend of mine and I got to have tea together the other day, after months of saying it was a good idea.

A beautiful mid-summer morning, we sat in soft living room chairs with sun beaming outside on the quiet street.

At one point our conversation turned to Carl Jung’s famously named personality traits known as “introversion” and “extroversion”.

My friend said in passing something I’ve heard before…”well, you’re probably an extrovert…”

Oh no, I corrected her immediately. I am actually, if you categorize such things, very extreme on the introverted scale.

A lot has occurred in my life that has produced a more well-developed “extroverted” abilities…that is, actually able to have a sociably acceptable conversations with other people.

Things have occurred like twelve step programs, group therapy, desperation, and suffering.

If I could have stopped my suffering without having to actually talk to anyone….believe me, I would have.

But talking to others was required, apparently, in my process of recovery, balance, peace and reconciliation with being a human and being connected to other humans.

However, I still could be perfectly content if I stayed home for weeks on end with almost no conversation.

Silent retreats? My favorite!

But it wasn’t always that way.

I used to feel so afraid of other peoples’ opinion of me, or what they would say, or what they might ask of me, that I could only take so much contact.

My introversion was part Defense.

People were frightening! They ask you questions! They get upset! They want things!

It seemed natural to have a protected environment, and be careful about social contact.

It can be so freeing, at a most core and basic primary level, to really question how scary people are, if you ever find them frightening…..and then you can find out if you are really all that introverted or not.

You may find you are ambiverted, you are undefinable, and you only lean one way or the other depending on the day.

So let’s take a look at that core concept “I’m afraid of that person because…..”

You can think of anyone, maybe in the distant past, maybe more current.

The fear doesn’t have to be gigantic, it can be a little flutter of nerves, anything that doesn’t feel as if you could be your own self entirely 100% with them, like you can’t quite relax. It may even be exciting sometimes, but just notice some sense of worry.

Hold that person in your mind and consider what feels particularly scary.

For me, as I consider one person I knew long ago, my thought is that they were simply too verbal, too intense, too many words, not enough silence, too demanding, too inquisitive, too needy, too full of praise for me.

The whole thing made me totally and completely nervous. I wanted to run for the hills.

I take this thought to inquiry “that person was too needy”.

Is it true?

YES! They were incessantly calling, emailing. That person was always asking when I was next available for dinner. Always coming up with ideas for outings.

They were always saying “we should go to hear that lecture, we should go to this concert, we should try that restaurant, we should visit that place…”

Jeez! Give it a rest!

Ahem. (Notice how the mind loves to prove the point).

Can you absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the person you are thinking about was too needy? Can you know they were needy at all?

Are you kidding me? They seemed very needy. That person even said “I need help”.

That person wanted my attention ten times more than I wanted theirs!

Does someone saying they need help mean that they are needy in a bad way?

Does someone saying they are in need mean they are dangerous, repulsive or someone to stay away from? Am I sure that if they are wailing and crying even, that they are in fact needy?

Because now that I think about it, they are breathing, living life, managing, eating, sleeping, expressing.

What’s going on here, in my mind, about this whole neediness thing anyway?

Rats. I can’t absolutely know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the person was too needy.

I’m looking at it through my needy-alert glasses, again.

The way I react when I believe that someone is needy is I avoid them and I desperately hope they feel better at the same time. Part of me wants to rescue them and rock them like a little baby.

Part of me feels the drag of that urgency.

The way I react when I see someone that I think is needy, is I think I need to help. Or I get a bit frozen. I’m not sure what to do. I have advice in my head, but I’m not even sure they could hear it. It’s discouraging.

I remember being 25 years old, and working in an environment where there were lots of 18 and 19 year olds. Many of them looked up to me, just a little more advanced along the life-line than them. One of them really took to me. She was a young deaf woman, delightful.

Then she shared with me some of her personal pain and difficult family history.

I bolted.

I was barely beginning a journey of telling the truth myself, newly in therapy.

I thought I was supposed to do something, offer something. I felt inadequate. Her sharing scared the bejeezus out of me. It was over the top for me, too much.

The way I treated myself when I believed that she was needy was I agreed with her that she needed Big Help.

I then believed I was not good enough, strong enough, big enough or adequate enough to be the one hearing her pain, which was HORRIBLE pain.

But who would I have been without that belief that she was needy? Even right there while she told me her personal story, and shared her personal suffering?

I would know I was the one to hear it, because I just did.

I would stay. I would listen, and I would also say no if I needed to. I would say “I don’t know what you should do”.

Without the thought that someone is too needy, things would be very simple in the presence of others. I might ask additional questions.

I would have the feeling deep inside that all is well, even if that person is so desperate they are threatening suicide.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I might even think “hmmm, maybe that is the best plan for them, who knows” rather than feel panic on the inside.

Without the thought that someone is too needy, I might even find I’m very interested in their thoughts about life and death…or I might find I’m a little bored with the drama.

That person is not too needy.

I am too needy, especially when it comes to that person.

Oh boy. I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa or Jesus or the Fairy Godmother and have some spectacular rescue plan that works.

This has been my experience in the past with my own children. I should have the perfect solution to their “needs”.

What I know now is that the person truly is not too needy, not for me, not for themselves, not for the world.

There is an infinite resource of help, transformation. I am a part of it. I don’t have to do anything special.

Miraculously…..doing less, offering nothing, simply being with these other humans without thinking I need to do, give, say, think or offer anything is the most exciting, gentle, heart-opening feeling.

No need to run, no need to hide, no angst, no hand-wringing.

“Get very specific about what that (difficult) emotion is speaking. Write down what that feeling is saying. You’re listening to what the emotion is saying. Get these down, write them down, then they can’t jump away. Then, with each one of those, feel what you read, because these are the thought patterns creating this pain. As you read through them and feel them, you can start ask yourself is this actually true? You will be amazed by your capacity to understand your own experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Those needy people? They truly have only been a reflection of myself. My terror of neediness. My fear of asking for help and not getting it.

Without the fear of neediness existing in myself or in others, everyone is free to come and go. I get the feel if I’m the person to respond or not.

It’s a simple yes or no.

“I was once walkign in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said ‘Oh my God, I’m dying. DO something!’ He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, ‘you don’t even care, do you?’ I said ‘No.’ And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too.” ~ Byron Katie

Turns out, I’m still an introverted sort of person and love lots of silence.

And I adore people.

Everyone looks a lot less needy these days. Even if they’re having a needy moment, it’s amazing how they just ask for what they need and receive it (it may be 5 minutes, it may be 5 years).

Or. Hmmm. Maybe that’s me who isn’t so needy.

If you know that connecting with others (all a part of you) appeals, or is a little scary, then join a wonderful circle to discover the truth. Only a few spots left with the 9/12 Thursday group starting next month: YOI (Year of Inquiry) or just the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. Both begin on Thursday, 9/12.

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If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Inquiring

I want a romantic partner!

Have you ever had that thought, or known someone close who had that thought?

It’s almost a question that has the answer “DUH, are you nuts? A gazillion trillion people want a partner…pretty much almost everyone who is single or unpartnered WANTS a partner!”

Let’s add in the thought “I want a different partner than the one I have.”

Between the two beliefs, there’s hardly anyone left over!

(OK, not really).

But many people who are single hardly question that a romantic mate would make them happier.

Many people who are in partnerships think about improving them, changing them, or getting out of them.

They look at their world and find proof that having or changing a partner is a fabulous plan.

They’ve been immersed in the idea, perhaps, since they were born, from the people all around them.

I’ve had lots of clients who believed they needed, wanted, craved or longed for romance, who are sure it does not exist in their current circumstances.

They are sure that if they were in a great couple agreement, they would have security, comfort, financial stability, pleasure, connection, and love.

Really?

Even though it may seem true, that society, your family, your friends say its true….it is still worth questioning, if it causes you stress.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” ~ Mark Twain

I was working with a woman who was positive it was true that partnership is better than being on your own.

She was alone, unpartnered…and therefore having an unhappy, unsatisfying life.

I asked her questions about what she meant when she said “partner”. Like, what is a GOOD partner? Because that’s the one you want, right?

A BAD partner won’t do. No, no, no.

You may even have some good examples of BAD partners. Those are OUT.

How do you think she reacted in her daily life when she believed she wanted a partner, and good men were hard to come by?

How does a person react when they believe they have to be careful who they pick, because they might get hurt, it might be a hassle?

Sad, disappointed, discouraged, angry, listless, flipping between “trying” to meet people and giving up altogether.

And my own company, or what is here now, just isn’t that great. Not good enough. Not fun enough, secure enough, comforting enough.

But who would you be without the thought that first, you need a partner, and second, that its rare to find a good one, a long shot?

Without the thought that a good partner is unusual, or that I even need one….I’m suddenly aware of all the energy spent on pining over the missing partner.

I’m here now.

It’s weird, actually, because that thought has been so ingrained. It’s like I don’t even know WHAT to think or do.

Things are unknown, open, mysterious.

For me, when I deeply questioned the thought that I needed one person in my life to feel happy…..some kind of clutching, grabby thing stopped on the inside.

My empty, quiet, silent little cottage felt magical, inviting. No one there. Sweet!

And then, activity took place, without my mind getting involved.

I went out into the world ready to have a ball. I stayed home doing my favorite thing: (in my case, reading). I went out dancing. I went off to meditation retreat. I bought tickets to my favorite concert.

I went out to dinner for the first time in my life, on purpose, all by myself to one of my favorite restaurants. It was weird, but intriguing.

I wrote down my stressful thoughts while sitting at the elegant table, all by myself. I did have some.

I noticed how fabulous it was to pick whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it.

Without the thought that I ever needed a partner I felt so content. Not missing out on anything. I could find whatever I enjoyed without “partnership”.

I began to notice that without any need for someone in my life, tons of men were everywhere and so many of them were adorable!

They weren’t rare at all.

It was a great a big, wide, fat question: who would I be without the thought that I needed? Anyone?

Without the thought that I needed, or wanted, or was separated from the whole Universe?

“When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take if for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is………I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was this is so contrary to everything that I’ve been brought up with….Sometimes you have to get rid of God in order to find God.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I say, let yourself question the old, solid thoughts that feel like foundations of happiness, such as needing partners, or needing the one you have to change.

You may find such freedom on the other side….if you keep going.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill

Keep inquiring, it’s worth it.

Love, Grace

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A Small Group Of Citizens Can Change Your World

Oh my, such a wonderful group forming that will meet on Thursdays beginning 9/12 for a year together 5:15 pm Pacific time. Head over to the page to learn more. Scroll all the way down for every bit of information: Learn About YOI Here.

Special Heads Up to those of you in India, China, Japan, Indonesia (where I traveled last June), Australia, Hawaii or the whole US of A, because this particular YOI group meets at a time of day that could work for you, as in during waking hours but not while you’re at work!

One of greatest assists to deep inquiry for me has been hearing other peoples’ thoughts and their investigations.

The other day while in my car I randomly grabbed a CD out of my little collection stuffed into my glove box and popped in what turned out to be Byron Katie facilitating a woman who was certain that her boyfriend liked big-breasted women, which she was not.

I remembered hearing this dialogue a long time ago—this CD had been in my car for at least five years.

At the time that I first heard it, I grew aware of all the ideas I had about relationships and what people were or were not supposed to be doing in them.

Although I can hardly relate to any of it now (and when I do, I’ve got self-inquiry)…I listened closely to the answers from that woman Katie was working with.

The woman was so sure that she was not liked and accepted because her boyfriend was looking at other women.

It takes a lot of energy, focus and concentration to dictate to someone how you think they should act, think, speak, or feel.

And the result is a tremendous amount of suffering.

I remember.

I used to believe the same list:

  • a person in a committed relationship shouldn’t be attracted to other people
  • he shouldn’t light up when those women walk in the room
  • she shouldn’t touch him with her hand, laugh at his jokes, flirt with him if she’s aware he is married
  • she shouldn’t dance with him
  • he shouldn’t be so dependent on me
  • if he/she loses interest, it means my body isn’t good enough
  • he shouldn’t use porn, fuss about sex, obsess over potential partners
  • she should have a good income, support herself, accept me unconditionally

The list can go on and on stating what we think is best, so therefore this other person should follow my rules.

Then….I will be happy.

When I am happy, all is well. We have fun. I pay attention, I love, I express appreciation.

The only trouble was….that way of being was a lot of work. And very confusing.

Conditional love is by nature quite confusing, because it doesn’t really and truly fit who we are.

Katie asked the woman on the CD if it was actually true that her boyfriend shouldn’t like big-breasted women.

Shouldn’t he like whatever he liked? Isn’t that reality?

I remembered how often I’ve had the idea that I MYSELF shouldn’t like whatever I like.

I shouldn’t like this guy, I shouldn’t be attracted over there, I shouldn’t be repulsed by that one, I should be more interested, less interested, differently interested.

I should be interested in “spiritual things”, not money, or movies, or food, or sex (as if those weren’t spiritual).

Who would you be without the thought that when you notice your preferences, or someone else’s preferences, they, or you, are WRONG?

Does it work to shout at yourself “Don’t like that! You moron!”

Does it stop you from liking what you like? Does it stop someone else from liking what they like?

I notice it only makes me feel ashamed for liking it, not happy.

Are you absolutely sure you shouldn’t or should be interested in “x”?

Who would I be, in that same woman’s situation without the thought that the man shouldn’t ogle other women’s breasts?

But. He’s gross. Everyone would agree in THIS particular situation.

He’s got bad taste, he’s adolescent, he’s boring, he’s shallow, he’s entirely non-spiritual and immature.

With the thought that this human being should be different? 

I am full of jealousy, anger, frustration, loneliness, disturbance, angst, worry, complaining.

It’s an inner war. I’m afraid.

Without the thought that he should be different?

I am back here in my own business, in my own body, and I wait here.

Ahhh….the world opens up in the most amazingly wild, fantastic way.

I am NOT afraid—and if I am, I can look more deeply at what truly scares me rather than just jumping to the conclusion that HE IS WRONG.

Suddenly in that situation as I stand there on the imaginary street in the same fantasty as the woman on the CD, I notice so many more people around than other women, this man, women’s body parts, or loss.

I notice there’s a whole huge world full of people and noise and nature.

Everyone so unique, sensual, sweet, embodied. Beauty is everywhere!

Even right here in my own body. I am so happy with my own body, with the breasts just as they are, that I want to giggle.

The whole entire objection seems absurd, hilarious.

I feel happy for the boyfriend and all the people who notice what they like!

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti  

I love that this woman shared herself with Katie, allowed the recording, went for it with anyone who was listening.

Her honesty changed my life for the better….her confessing her own inner concerns, her fears, her hopes and demands helped me.

If you’ve got the spark inside you to connect with other inquiring minds who really do want to understand how on earth to love what is, then check out the One Year Program or the upcoming fall classes below.

Connecting with yourself out loud, you may alter someone else’s relationship with their world. Without even trying.

You may inspire us, without even thinking about how. Just being you.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead  

Year Of Inquiry (YOI) and other groups ARE a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens.

Yes….they can change your world…by showing you theirs.

Join us!

Love, Grace

 

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Groups May Be Scary But They Can Change Your Entire Life – You Ready?

The Year of Inquiry (YOI!) circle begins 9/13 and our in-person live group (optional) retreat in Seattle is only a month away. If you are seriously considering joining this fabulous one-year small group of inquirers, email me soon for a conversation: grace@workwithgrace.com.

A participant recently shared this with the YOI group, and I feel the same way:

“I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. I thank me, too, for this gift to myself.” ~ YOI Circle Participant

Being connected to others in groups and at a deeply intimate level has offered me shifts in my life that have changed…..everything.

But being in a group can be uncomfortable! It can be really freaky scary!

It might be boring, stupid, full of annoying people, or depressing!

The first time I went to a twelve step meeting, thirty years ago, I was so shocked that people spoke the way they were speaking. I was quite literally stunned.

 

I had no idea you could say out loud what was going on inside your mind and heart.

 

I had no idea you could actually tell the truth.

 

But I caught the bug of awareness about my own mind by hearing others talk about theirs.

 

A few years later, I joined a therapy group.

 

That scared me half to death. I was silent for six months before the therapist actually said “your silence is actually very controlling”.

 

OMG! Really? But I don’t want anyone, ever, to see anything wrong with ME!

 

Oh. Right.

 

When I first encountered The Work of Byron Katie, I felt a memory stir of how I felt when I started that group therapy in my twenties.
I wanted to clam up.
Thanks! Got it! I’ll just go away and handle this BY MYSELF! See ya! I’m good!
OK then!
Yep, yessirree I’ve done a LOT of personal work so I’ll take it from here!
I wanted to burn my Judge Your Neighbor worksheets. I might even look over my shoulder while I wrote them just to make sure no one was coming.
Once, I even watched myself skip right over one of my sentences written down, one of my stressful concepts, as I read them all out loud to an actual facilitator (that I could hardly believe I had hired).
I couldn’t read that one. Then the facilitator will really hate me. Maybe some judgments are acceptable, but not that one.
I’ll just work on that one later, by myself in my closet with a flashlight.
The truth is, when you work with a group of people, and get to know them and show up regularly, you have no way to manipulate, direct, appease, lighten, or control what anyone does, says, thinks or feels when you tell the absolute truth.

We may see parts of you that you normally keep hidden. You may not be able to keep that ugly stuff to yourself anymore.

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.” ~ Pema Chodron

The thing is, you can only maneuver your life into being closed and careful for so long.

At some point, for everyone, their interest in the truth and revealing themselves becomes more important than holding things together.

I find every time I join a collection of people with the intention to learn, grow, incorporate and understand….it’s thrilling. Our joining makes something wonderful happen.

But I’ve got a lot of practice now at self-disclosure. I know from experience that it works WAY better than puttin’ a lid on it.

I speak from careful testing.

I would have LOVED to maintain a perfect image and never have to say the yucky stuff, the fears, the anger, the sadness.

But it was killing me not to.

Even if you’re super crazy shy, you know how great it feels to have one of those wonderful, close, connected, honest conversations.

Being with others in a deeply honest way may not only be good, it may change your entire life. 

Twelve step groups, support groups, one-on-one counseling, group therapy, retreats, prayer circles, study groups, people who do The Work of Byron Katie together.

We the people are somewhere you can reach us…whether on the phone, in your neighborhood, in your city.

You mean….I am going to reveal my stressful, weird, unpleasant, nasty, immature, pissy beliefs?

You mean I’m going to tell about my inadequacies, fears, and anger?

You mean I’m going to write what is inside my head? On paper (not in invisible ink)? And read what I write OUT LOUD?

Yes. You are. You know you want to!

You may feel sick for a little bit, but it rocks.

The more I’ve done The Work….the easier its gotten to reveal my innermost crushing thoughts to other humans.

In fact, the cave is no longer dark and musty and smelly….the one filled with all those resistant beliefs. It’s rather light and treasure-filled now.

I see now that this comes from being totally and completely honest, noticing exactly where and what I wanted to hide, and uncovering it…all the way.

“Most people don’t get out of childhood, or adolescence, without being wounded for telling the truth. Someone says ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you shouldn’t say that’ or ‘that wasn’t appropriate’ so most of us human beings have a very deep underlying conditioning that says that just to be who we are is not OK…….Most human beings have an imprinting that if they’re real, if they’re honest, somebody’s not gonna like it. And they won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.” ~ Adyashanti

Letting go of control, you become very honest.

That moment of speaking the truth without trying to get anything or expect anything or look a particular way…of just being you…what an amazing shift.

You may notice a freedom beyond belief.

“If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

If you’re ready to be with a group, supporting you through inquiry with honesty and integrity, then come on down to the One Year Program and join our telegroup, starting 9/12.

You will be welcome here…the real you.

Love, Grace

P.S. if a year is too much and too long then come on over to the 8 week group which also starts 9/12 8 am Pacific time, turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Any relationship! (mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister, cousin, spouse, boss, employee…)