A dear old friend of mine and I got to have tea together the other day, after months of saying it was a good idea.
A beautiful mid-summer morning, we sat in soft living room chairs with sun beaming outside on the quiet street.
At one point our conversation turned to Carl Jung’s famously named personality traits known as “introversion” and “extroversion”.
My friend said in passing something I’ve heard before…”well, you’re probably an extrovert…”
Oh no, I corrected her immediately. I am actually, if you categorize such things, very extreme on the introverted scale.
A lot has occurred in my life that has produced a more well-developed “extroverted” abilities…that is, actually able to have a sociably acceptable conversations with other people.
Things have occurred like twelve step programs, group therapy, desperation, and suffering.
If I could have stopped my suffering without having to actually talk to anyone….believe me, I would have.
But talking to others was required, apparently, in my process of recovery, balance, peace and reconciliation with being a human and being connected to other humans.
However, I still could be perfectly content if I stayed home for weeks on end with almost no conversation.
Silent retreats? My favorite!
But it wasn’t always that way.
I used to feel so afraid of other peoples’ opinion of me, or what they would say, or what they might ask of me, that I could only take so much contact.
My introversion was part Defense.
People were frightening! They ask you questions! They get upset! They want things!
It seemed natural to have a protected environment, and be careful about social contact.
It can be so freeing, at a most core and basic primary level, to really question how scary people are, if you ever find them frightening…..and then you can find out if you are really all that introverted or not.
You may find you are ambiverted, you are undefinable, and you only lean one way or the other depending on the day.
So let’s take a look at that core concept “I’m afraid of that person because…..”
You can think of anyone, maybe in the distant past, maybe more current.
The fear doesn’t have to be gigantic, it can be a little flutter of nerves, anything that doesn’t feel as if you could be your own self entirely 100% with them, like you can’t quite relax. It may even be exciting sometimes, but just notice some sense of worry.
Hold that person in your mind and consider what feels particularly scary.
For me, as I consider one person I knew long ago, my thought is that they were simply too verbal, too intense, too many words, not enough silence, too demanding, too inquisitive, too needy, too full of praise for me.
The whole thing made me totally and completely nervous. I wanted to run for the hills.
I take this thought to inquiry “that person was too needy”.
Is it true?
YES! They were incessantly calling, emailing. That person was always asking when I was next available for dinner. Always coming up with ideas for outings.
They were always saying “we should go to hear that lecture, we should go to this concert, we should try that restaurant, we should visit that place…”
Jeez! Give it a rest!
Ahem. (Notice how the mind loves to prove the point).
Can you absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the person you are thinking about was too needy? Can you know they were needy at all?
Are you kidding me? They seemed very needy. That person even said “I need help”.
That person wanted my attention ten times more than I wanted theirs!
Does someone saying they need help mean that they are needy in a bad way?
Does someone saying they are in need mean they are dangerous, repulsive or someone to stay away from? Am I sure that if they are wailing and crying even, that they are in fact needy?
Because now that I think about it, they are breathing, living life, managing, eating, sleeping, expressing.
What’s going on here, in my mind, about this whole neediness thing anyway?
Rats. I can’t absolutely know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the person was too needy.
I’m looking at it through my needy-alert glasses, again.
The way I react when I believe that someone is needy is I avoid them and I desperately hope they feel better at the same time. Part of me wants to rescue them and rock them like a little baby.
Part of me feels the drag of that urgency.
The way I react when I see someone that I think is needy, is I think I need to help. Or I get a bit frozen. I’m not sure what to do. I have advice in my head, but I’m not even sure they could hear it. It’s discouraging.
I remember being 25 years old, and working in an environment where there were lots of 18 and 19 year olds. Many of them looked up to me, just a little more advanced along the life-line than them. One of them really took to me. She was a young deaf woman, delightful.
Then she shared with me some of her personal pain and difficult family history.
I bolted.
I was barely beginning a journey of telling the truth myself, newly in therapy.
I thought I was supposed to do something, offer something. I felt inadequate. Her sharing scared the bejeezus out of me. It was over the top for me, too much.
The way I treated myself when I believed that she was needy was I agreed with her that she needed Big Help.
I then believed I was not good enough, strong enough, big enough or adequate enough to be the one hearing her pain, which was HORRIBLE pain.
But who would I have been without that belief that she was needy? Even right there while she told me her personal story, and shared her personal suffering?
I would know I was the one to hear it, because I just did.
I would stay. I would listen, and I would also say no if I needed to. I would say “I don’t know what you should do”.
Without the thought that someone is too needy, things would be very simple in the presence of others. I might ask additional questions.
I would have the feeling deep inside that all is well, even if that person is so desperate they are threatening suicide.
I know it sounds bizarre, but I might even think “hmmm, maybe that is the best plan for them, who knows” rather than feel panic on the inside.
Without the thought that someone is too needy, I might even find I’m very interested in their thoughts about life and death…or I might find I’m a little bored with the drama.
That person is not too needy.
I am too needy, especially when it comes to that person.
Oh boy. I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa or Jesus or the Fairy Godmother and have some spectacular rescue plan that works.
This has been my experience in the past with my own children. I should have the perfect solution to their “needs”.
What I know now is that the person truly is not too needy, not for me, not for themselves, not for the world.
There is an infinite resource of help, transformation. I am a part of it. I don’t have to do anything special.
Miraculously…..doing less, offering nothing, simply being with these other humans without thinking I need to do, give, say, think or offer anything is the most exciting, gentle, heart-opening feeling.
No need to run, no need to hide, no angst, no hand-wringing.
“Get very specific about what that (difficult) emotion is speaking. Write down what that feeling is saying. You’re listening to what the emotion is saying. Get these down, write them down, then they can’t jump away. Then, with each one of those, feel what you read, because these are the thought patterns creating this pain. As you read through them and feel them, you can start ask yourself is this actually true? You will be amazed by your capacity to understand your own experience.” ~ Adyashanti
Those needy people? They truly have only been a reflection of myself. My terror of neediness. My fear of asking for help and not getting it.
Without the fear of neediness existing in myself or in others, everyone is free to come and go. I get the feel if I’m the person to respond or not.
It’s a simple yes or no.
“I was once walkign in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said ‘Oh my God, I’m dying. DO something!’ He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, ‘you don’t even care, do you?’ I said ‘No.’ And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too.” ~ Byron Katie
Turns out, I’m still an introverted sort of person and love lots of silence.
And I adore people.
Everyone looks a lot less needy these days. Even if they’re having a needy moment, it’s amazing how they just ask for what they need and receive it (it may be 5 minutes, it may be 5 years).
Or. Hmmm. Maybe that’s me who isn’t so needy.
If you know that connecting with others (all a part of you) appeals, or is a little scary, then join a wonderful circle to discover the truth. Only a few spots left with the 9/12 Thursday group starting next month: YOI (Year of Inquiry) or just the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. Both begin on Thursday, 9/12.