I want a romantic partner!
Have you ever had that thought, or known someone close who had that thought?
It’s almost a question that has the answer “DUH, are you nuts? A gazillion trillion people want a partner…pretty much almost everyone who is single or unpartnered WANTS a partner!”
Let’s add in the thought “I want a different partner than the one I have.”
Between the two beliefs, there’s hardly anyone left over!
(OK, not really).
But many people who are single hardly question that a romantic mate would make them happier.
Many people who are in partnerships think about improving them, changing them, or getting out of them.
They look at their world and find proof that having or changing a partner is a fabulous plan.
They’ve been immersed in the idea, perhaps, since they were born, from the people all around them.
I’ve had lots of clients who believed they needed, wanted, craved or longed for romance, who are sure it does not exist in their current circumstances.
They are sure that if they were in a great couple agreement, they would have security, comfort, financial stability, pleasure, connection, and love.
Really?
Even though it may seem true, that society, your family, your friends say its true….it is still worth questioning, if it causes you stress.
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” ~ Mark Twain
I was working with a woman who was positive it was true that partnership is better than being on your own.
She was alone, unpartnered…and therefore having an unhappy, unsatisfying life.
I asked her questions about what she meant when she said “partner”. Like, what is a GOOD partner? Because that’s the one you want, right?
A BAD partner won’t do. No, no, no.
You may even have some good examples of BAD partners. Those are OUT.
How do you think she reacted in her daily life when she believed she wanted a partner, and good men were hard to come by?
How does a person react when they believe they have to be careful who they pick, because they might get hurt, it might be a hassle?
Sad, disappointed, discouraged, angry, listless, flipping between “trying” to meet people and giving up altogether.
And my own company, or what is here now, just isn’t that great. Not good enough. Not fun enough, secure enough, comforting enough.
But who would you be without the thought that first, you need a partner, and second, that its rare to find a good one, a long shot?
Without the thought that a good partner is unusual, or that I even need one….I’m suddenly aware of all the energy spent on pining over the missing partner.
I’m here now.
It’s weird, actually, because that thought has been so ingrained. It’s like I don’t even know WHAT to think or do.
Things are unknown, open, mysterious.
For me, when I deeply questioned the thought that I needed one person in my life to feel happy…..some kind of clutching, grabby thing stopped on the inside.
My empty, quiet, silent little cottage felt magical, inviting. No one there. Sweet!
And then, activity took place, without my mind getting involved.
I went out into the world ready to have a ball. I stayed home doing my favorite thing: (in my case, reading). I went out dancing. I went off to meditation retreat. I bought tickets to my favorite concert.
I went out to dinner for the first time in my life, on purpose, all by myself to one of my favorite restaurants. It was weird, but intriguing.
I wrote down my stressful thoughts while sitting at the elegant table, all by myself. I did have some.
I noticed how fabulous it was to pick whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it.
Without the thought that I ever needed a partner I felt so content. Not missing out on anything. I could find whatever I enjoyed without “partnership”.
I began to notice that without any need for someone in my life, tons of men were everywhere and so many of them were adorable!
They weren’t rare at all.
It was a great a big, wide, fat question: who would I be without the thought that I needed? Anyone?
Without the thought that I needed, or wanted, or was separated from the whole Universe?
“When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take if for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is………I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was this is so contrary to everything that I’ve been brought up with….Sometimes you have to get rid of God in order to find God.” ~ Anthony DeMello
I say, let yourself question the old, solid thoughts that feel like foundations of happiness, such as needing partners, or needing the one you have to change.
You may find such freedom on the other side….if you keep going.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill
Keep inquiring, it’s worth it.
Love, Grace