Taking care of someone, like children, elderly parents, or someone sick can sometimes be a deeply frustrating experience for many humans.
It doesn’t mean you are not compassionate, that you are mean-minded, selfish, impatient or too restless….but often, that’s what we’ll think about ourselves when we get upset in the care-taking role.
There’s something wrong with me. I am simply not good enough for this job.
The attack towards yourself can be quick, and vicious.
The easiest way I’ve found to alter the negative bits of care-taking is to first, allow all your thoughts to be there that are petty, childish and mean.
Really. This may feel like a strange confession. Like you can hardly believe you are thinking such nasty thoughts.
But only then can you really see what they are, and explore why they are arising and what’s happening for you when they do.
When I was a young mother, I often felt exasperated with the relentless nature of taking care of kids.
And I had no reference for why….I felt guilty that I was so tired, irritable and wanted so desperately for a break.
I loved and adored my kids, in fact, it felt like the most decisive, abiding love I had ever experienced.
But sometimes, I felt like I reached a point of complete exhaustion, even depression.
I would think things that I thought were embarrassing, and I would complain to myself with thoughts like the following:
- my kids are driving me crazy with their noise, activity, busy-ness, sleeplessness, crying, yelling, repetition
- when I think about my kids getting hurt, getting lost, or dying, I am desperately sad and frightened
- I am the guiding force for my kids’ success in life–like with money, school, success, self-esteem, opportunity, discipline
- my kids’ lives aren’t as good as they could be because: I got divorced, I don’t have lots of money, they didn’t take music lessons, I’m not strict enough about doing chores…etc
- I should be better at this
- my own parents shouldn’t have taught me what they did, they didn’t do a very good job—it’s their fault!
You may think variations of these kinds of thoughts if you’re a teacher, a doctor, a boss, a leader.
The outcome is your responsibility, you hate the idea of things going “badly”, you haven’t done the best you can do, you should be liking it more, be more patient, be calmer, be more loving.
A few weeks ago, a mom set up several appointments to receive facilitation through her stressful beliefs about her teenage son.
I could hear that she was having crazed-mother thoughts.
She had a weird loop-de-loop of thinking that I myself remembered clearly: he’s driving me nuts with all the attention he demands, I want alone time, I shouldn’t have to worry about this, I wish he was in school, the school is bad for him, but he’s driving me nuts with all the attention he demands, I want….
Oh boy. That was me!
It’s hard having the battle of opposing thoughts: this situation is hard, and I should be doing a better job.
Is it true? Are you sure you should be doing better? Are you sure the person you’re caring for should be easier to care for?
“A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he’s in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.” ~ Bill Cosby
Are you sure the only way to find peace is by leaving the house?
Are you sure the noise should stop, the questions should end, or that you should have the perfect answer?
Do you really need that situation to change so that you can be happier, stop worrying, relax, feel good?
Who would you be without the thought that your children, or anyone else you care for, are tough, loud, difficult or problematic in a way that you can’t handle?
What if you CAN handle it?
I turned the troubling thoughts around to find their opposites, and find honest examples of how these turnarounds are genuinely true:
- my thoughts about kids and parenting are driving me crazy with noise, activity, busy-ness, sleeplessness, crying, yelling, repetition in my head
- when I think about my kids getting hurt, getting lost, or dying, I do not have to feel sad or frightened, I can feel joy for their life
- I am NOT the guiding force for my kids’ success in life, I am only the guiding force for my own thoughts, which I can question…and not even those
- my kids’ lives are BETTER because: I got divorced, I don’t have lots of money, they didn’t take music lessons, I’m not strict enough about doing chores…etc. They’ve learned incredible things about living without those opportunities. They are freer!
- I am great at this
- my own parents taught me what they did, and they did a very good job
“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.”~ Byron Katie
Taking care of someone, and taking care of your troubling thoughts…you may find your relationship with the entire universe changes.
If you don’t have to be perfect.
If the dilemma of care-taking is not one to be solved, if this person you’re caring for appears difficult…what can you realize about yourself that you didn’t want to know?
You may find that you don’t have to try so hard…maybe not try at all.
You’ll just BE love.
If you want to jump right in to this particular topic….the YOI (Year Of Inquiry)starts 9/12 and the first two months are on who parented you, and then any topic around authority including parenting.
We do have fun, uncovering our stressful thoughts.
Love, Grace