Tag: neediness

Posted on

You need their love, praise, money, companionship, home cooking….are you sure?

It’s funny (sort of) how we humans tend to move towards things we think will benefit us, individually. Nothing wrong with it, but it can be very stressful if you think that without it, your life won’t be as good, or isn’t as good already.

I need or want “x”….and I’m sure I’d be better off with it. So I go a-hunting for it. I try to acquire it. I try to earn it. I bend over backwards for it.

Maybe I sacrifice for it.

Money. Relationship. Happiness. Security. Adventure. Enlightenment.

I’ve seen other people with the thing I want. But not me.

Relationships can be presented in this way. The belief for some is that it’s better to have one. When you get a good, close, committed love relationship….then you’ll be happy. You’ll be secure. You’ll have companionship. You’ll get things, like a house or status, or cash, or attention, or fun, or someone to talk to.

It’s such a strong desire for many people that matchmaking businesses make a lot of money connecting people. People just feel so very certain if they find someone and call them their special companion, move in together, get married….

….they will get what they want. Then they’ll be happy.

An inquirer once came to me to work on his beliefs about couples.

He wasn’t in a relationship. But he thought he should be. He really thought he needed a girlfriend. He had enlisted in many services to help him find a mate.

And yet, so far, he was single basically his entire life.

I asked him what he thought couples had, that he didn’t?

And since we were doing The Work, which is all about your real thoughts on the subject without editing, I asked him also what was the worst that could happen if he was in a primary relationship with another person and it didn’t go the way he liked?

So he thought about what he believed he would have, if he had a girlfriend (and then a wife) and he said he’d have sex, and someone better at cooking than him….so, meals. A welcoming kitchen. A companion for trips overseas.

Another time, I was working with a woman who had been married for ages. She felt bored and tired of her husband of 30 years. Uninvolved in his life, disconnected, uninterested, uncaring.

What made her NOT leave or move to South America where she longed to go? She also answered honestly, since we were doing The Work.

Money. Security. She didn’t have to work at a job as long as she remained married and didn’t disrupt the status quo.

What I see in what people bring to relationships, is extreme amounts of stress when they expect something in return for being in the relationship, or expect they owe something for being in the relationship.

I give you “x”, you give me “y”, we have a deal.

Problem is….humans aren’t that reliable.

Life itself isn’t that reliable, or known, can’t be planned, can’t be controlled, isn’t a trade agreement. It’s also not All About Me. Making sure “I” at least get some, even if everyone else doesn’t.

But let’s do The Work, and see where this goes. Nothing like inquiry to open up the awareness and the gate of understanding.

What do you believe a love relationship will give you? If you’re already in a committed relationship, what do you believe your relationship ensures?

You need that relationship in order to be: wealthy, free to not work, adventure, expand emotionally, feel loved, grow, be seen as cool, feel safe.

Is this true?

Be honest.

If you say “yes” see if it’s absolutely true for all time that you need that relationship in order to be ______ (fill in the blank).

How do you react when you believe you need a relationship in order to feel or get or be loved, rich, safe, honored, comfortable, enlightened, seen in a good light?

Oh man.

The man who came to do The Work was looking at this pay-off for having a relationship: sex, companionship, meals.

How he reacted was he dated many, many women and broke up with them if they didn’t like to cook or want to keep house. He paid for elaborate adventures and bought gifts for the ones who did. He constantly wished for the ideal woman. He felt critical and angry when someone he thought might be the “one” didn’t do it the way he preferred.

He treated himself like his own company wasn’t that great–and being with another was better. He always felt restless and frustrated. He said he felt resentful if the sex wasn’t right.

Who would you be without your story?

We do place so much on relationships. It’s in the love songs, and our language. We project feeling supported, loved, valued because of that other person’s actions, or what they say.

But who would we be without our story of relationship?

Sometimes, I’ve had the thought I’d be alone. It doesn’t mean that at all.

Without the stressful story of relationship meaning we’re loved, safe, secure, wealthy, compensated (and the story that without one it means we aren’t or we’re not)….

….I find I’m free to love unconditionally.

Truly resting in love. No deal-making. No trades. No focus on myself and how this is all about me and “my” relationship. No expectations. No hardness. No risks. No scarcity.

Without my story of relationship being necessary in order for me to feel safe, for example, I notice the joy of how much safety I’ve experienced whether in relationship, or not. I survived, so far. Someday I won’t.

And it won’t be because I wasn’t in a relationship (LOL). It will be because it’s my time to go. I’m not in charge.

The sweet inquirer who did The Work noticed that without his thought of needing a relationship for sex, companionship or meals….

….he could see how much he loved going to restaurants all the time, and all the servers he knew like friends. He could enjoy the company of many kinds of people, in wide variety. He loved his alone time and the simplicity of life without focus on anyone else. He paid for pornography that had no attachment. The trade was money. This felt really easy for him.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need a relationship in order to be _______ (wealthy, safe, loved, comfortable, grow, etc).

Can you find advantages of not being in relationship, if you aren’t?

Can you find advantage for being IN relationship, if you are?

How exciting, thrilling and fun to explore whatever is here, and to appreciate it without expectations, demands, control, or neediness.

“When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.

If you act from fear, there’s no way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people. But once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don’t have to do anything for love. The fact is that when I have my own approval, I’m happy, and I don’t need anyone else’s.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True? 

Turning the thought around again: I need a relationship with myself in order to be ______ (fill in the words you’ve been looking at). I need a relationship with my own thinking.

I’ve often thought about how this doesn’t mean I live in a bubble and never ask for a thing. Not at all.

If I’m thirsty, I go get some water or ask for it or buy it. But I don’t believe I need a special relationship to quench my thirst. I’m an adult, with an open mind. I can move to care for myself and all connect with all life, with ease.

I find when I am accepting of myself entirely, why would I ever “need” to receive compliments, money, companionship, love, growth, praise, nurturing, safety through any relationship. I’d have all these things available to me already through the whole world.

Exciting.

If you want to really work on relating and relationship in your life, and clean up your stressful thinking when it comes to what you think you need from someone else….come to Breitenbush in December. Watch here for the short invite my husband Jon and I made for you:

Posted on

We’re not changing, until YOU do.

Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.

  • Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25
  • Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest heart of Seattle retreat house (Portage Bay) 4 days with Katie and Silence via streaming from Switzerland. A profound experience, commuters welcome, four private bedrooms at reduced fees for travelers who choose to add lodging. July 8-12
Putting on the boxing gloves, when it comes to that person’s behavior? Who would you be without your belief they should stop?

I’m so excited just thinking about all these in-person retreats, all quite different.

Almost jumping up and down actually.

There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.

One thought at a time.

The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?

The first step is identifying the problem.

It’s not so hard.

What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?

Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!

Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.

And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?

Yes.

A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.

(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!

I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.

I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).

The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.

This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.

WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.

But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.

In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.

So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.

Picture the situation.

For me, I’m reading an email.

Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?

Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.

(Little dramatization for you).

The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?

Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?

LOL.

Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.

How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?

Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.

I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.

So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?

There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.

What’s that like? How does it feel?

This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.

What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?

And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?

I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.

She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….

….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.

Him. Out.

Who would you be without your beliefs about others?

I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!

Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.

Wow, these are all just as true or truer.

He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).

I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!

Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.

I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.

How could it be otherwise?

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Is The Universe Giving You What You Need?

Yesterday was my first day back on the dance floor since my leg got sewn back together!

Oh the joy, the beauty, the people, the music, the movement, the fun of dancing!!

But I have a big confession to make.

Last year when I was inspired to begin this fun Saturday morning open free-form dance with my husband….

….in my head was a picture of a whole room full of awesome people dancing together, sweatin’, singing, being themselves no matter what age or ability.

We had called tons of studios, big room, or spaces where people could easily dance.

Over and over the same question: Are you available Saturday mornings?

Hardly ever available. Aerobics classes, Nia classes, kung fu, tai chi, lessons, groups, salsa. No, we only do our own classes, no we don’t rent space on Saturdays, no we don’t know anywhere else you could try.

Rats.

And then…it turned out because of cuts in city funding, a city community center that was normally never open on Saturdays WOULD be available for a pretty high fee. Like the highest fee of anyplace we had ever called.

Ok. What the heck. Let’s do it. We need 20 people to break even. No problem.

I really thought, absolutely no problem. There will probably be 30 people there, maybe even 40 or 50, on the first day.

It was a winter, drizzly, cold, early February Saturday morning. A good day to dance!

After several visits to the community center dance hall to scope it all out, gather our sound equipment and music together, get dance cards made, set up the room, and sign rental agreements…..my husband and I returned with anticipation, excitement and a little adrenaline in our hearts.

Finally! Our first free-form dance, open to everyone! Soooooo exciting!!

Everything was ready. Doors opened at 10 am!

The clock ticked past 10:15 am.

No one.

I began to get a fearful sensation in my stomach. 10:20 am.

No one.

OMG. This is like having a party, inviting friends, and no one showing up. A worst nightmare. Like a high school movie. The geek has a birthday party and no one comes.

This is sad.

My heart was sinking. My mind started racing.

Oh so, so wonderful to have The Work. To notice when stress, fear, pain, anxiety, discomfort of any kind presented itself within me…and know what to do with it.

Feel it.

Ask it what it thinks is true….that is NOT really in truly true?

  • we are losers
  • we screwed up
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, but they don’t
  • we’ve made a mistake
  • this is terrible, a disaster
  • this is embarrassing
  • I can’t dance today after all

Then a good friend appeared. ONE good friend. She was here to help. (Although there was no one to help, no lines, no crowds, no people pouring in–ha ha).

Then another good friend appeared who had promised to come.

Are you serious? I think I’m going to throw up. 

10:25, past time to start the music.

My very optimistic and happy husband, who seemed to not be worried about this situation whatsoever, started our music set, right at about the same time as two more people came.

We all began to dance. All six of us.

And the work was starting to work itself in me. I could see the part of me that was five years old flailing on the floor with disappointment.

Two more people showed up…but that was the Grand Total for the morning.

Is it true? Is it true? Are you sure this is a terrible disastrous event, worthy of embarrassment? Are you sure you can’t feel the inspiration to dance?

No. I’m dancing right now. I’m moving. If I were alone in my living room, this is how I would move….and I love this movement.

Is it true that we are losers, that no one wants to be with us, that this means that we made a mistake, that we are ashamed?

No. I can’t know that any of that is true.

Do we need other people to be here to have fun? Does anyone need any other person with them to express joy? Do any of us need a companion, of any kind, in order to be happy?

No. Wow. No.

Who would I be without the thought that 20 or more people should be here? That since they are not here, this is shameful, uncomfortable, difficult, or something wrong with me?

Dancing. Noticing how much I love the space, the trees through the gigantic window, the music.

Everything on its own trajectory, its own timing.

I need a crowd, is it true? No.

I turn the thoughts around, in the middle of dancing:

  • we are winners
  • we did it beautifully, perfectly for this moment
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, and they do
  • we’ve made a correction
  • this is wonderful, a miracle
  • this is a blessing, good fortune, something to be proud of
  • I can dance!

I suddenly realized that this moment was just like being single and stood up on a date….if I could enjoy being there all by myself, with deep joy….I would never “need” a partner again.

What a relief.

Whomever showed up would be like icing on the cake.

Ahhhhh, a powerful lesson. A test of faith.

I couldn’t have paid for a workshop or personal coaching or business coaching or accessed connection to leadership, power, and unconditional love for this moment in any better way.

I had to see it for myself, I had to feel the dance right here, with these six people who came (plus husband). I was not alone, I was not in need, I did not have to hide, I was making a correction in what I thought was necessary to be happy.

Holy Smokes!

“When all struggle ceases, there is nothing to bind us to a distorted perception of existence and we can finally see. What we see is that we do not simply exist within existence, but all of existence exists within us as well. And although everywhere we look we see the endless diversity of life, we also now see our own true face in everything under the sun.” ~ Adyashanti

 Yesterday, a year later, 26 people came to our Saturday morning dance. Just the right amount. No more, no less. Just the perfect combination of people. More and more every week over time. More and more, steady, showing up, celebrating, expressing.

“Imagine….no one shows up…look around the room. It’s empty…You like silence. You have time out of your schedule to sit, be still, and do your own work. You could probably use some time, right? Look around that room, are you OK? You’re the one that matters…YOU’RE the one…..The universe will give you what you need against your best thought.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any stressful thoughts….all that can be said, is thank you, thank you. How absolutely amazing.

And the exciting vision of 50 people dancing together on a rainy Saturday morning—still here!

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Energy Sucking Needy Leeches

The other day I had a consult session with one of my favorite wise therapists.

She has forty years of experience working with human consciousness, recovery, spirituality, healing….and I trust our inspiring conversations.

We touched on a topic of deep interest: how people connect with others.

It left me contemplating human nature and all the wildly different reasons people make connection, find connection, instigate connection, resume connection or avoid connection with other people.

I love investigating whatever motivates us or inspires us to move toward or away from someone we encounter.

It may feel as simple as…”I like you!” 

(or, “I don’t like you!”)

Yet whenever I review relationships, it seems to be a lot more complicated. 

I like a LOT of people. In fact, MOST people. And every once in awhile I don’t like someone, but this is pretty rare.

I know The Work brings us tons of awareness about those irritating or creepy people we don’t like….but what about the ones we DO?

Like, what’s going on when we like someone Big Time and it doesn’t really make logical sense? Or something is slightly weird about the intensity of the contact? 

Or what about feeling sexual vibes from or towards someone, when you’re NOT actually interested in begin sexual with them?

Byron Katie has a LOT to say about seeking out love, approval and appreciation from other humans.

And how much it hurts…..sometimes.

In fact, Katie has a whole book written on this, entitled I Need Your Love–Is That True?

So….there’s someone over there, and you get a leap of energy that feels like its moving from them toward you, or vice versa, and it’s (somewhat) positive. 

Maybe physical attraction but this could be any kind of attraction. 

If it was all open, sweet, exciting and fun (like it was when I met my husband) then I think this might be called the “falling in love” phase or “creating a long and beautiful friendship” phase.

Every time we got together or interacted, we both had the feeling that getting together AGAIN was a great idea. We both felt happy, unashamed, curious and adventurous about the learning underway.

And we did NOT feel desperate. 

We had a blast getting to know each other (we still do).

One thing that was new for me at the time I met him was a deep interest in being in relationship without clingy, grabby, haunting, dramatic NEEDINESS.

Without the desire to merge.

Ewww!

I had done some serious investigation of neediness. Yowser. There were just so many needy people out there! 

They only wanted to connect with others so they could GET something from the relationship!

On my worksheets from all the men I dated, several concepts seemed to reappear, over and over:

  • he wants a mate for security
  • he needs love
  • he wants too much attention
  • he wants someone to think he’s special
  • he hates his own company
  • he wants a maid, a cook, a housekeeper (yuck)
  • he wants to have sex easily available
  • he wants money, added income, added financial benefit
  • he is needy
You know where this is going, right?

 

THE TURNAROUNDS.

I saw how I reacted when I believed these thoughts. Not pretty. Super critical.

I was even creeped out a little about who I would be without these thoughts. I was scared that I wouldn’t smell a co-dependent relationship until it was too late. 

I’d get stuck in a quagmire of two people needing each other without even knowing it! OMG! 
But oh the gold in those turnarounds. Sigh.
  • I want a mate for security
  • I need love
  • I want too much attention
  • I want someone to think I’m special
  • I hate my own company
  • I wants a handyman, an auto-mechanic, a remodeler
  • I want to have sex easily available
  • I want money, added income, added financial benefit
  • I am needy

Instead of being depressed and upset about MY OWN NEEDINESS (gasp) I found genuine examples of where these turnarounds were true, where I believed them.

Dang, I really did think very little of myself when it came to being able to earn decent money, fix my house, mow the lawn, take care of the oil changes in my car, and be attractive.
I also could feel the deep self-doubt and longing to be special.
I wanted someone ELSE to think I was special.
Only…..I knew deep down, that was not true.
When I believed the thought that I wanted someone else to think I was special, I suffered.
I was pretty ridiculously needy. And trying not to show it.
Without the thought that someone else should think I’m special?
Free as a bird. Free to be myself, totally and completely. Wildly, fabulously free.
Free to stop going down trails leading to co-dependent connections and merge-type relationships…
….free to enjoy people without stress, without clinging, without expectations.
I highly recommend it.

 

“Do this exercise for a few minutes: think of someone you are attached to, someone without whom you think you are not going to be happy….And say to this person ‘I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.’ You can say this in the secrecy of your heart. You’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping the illusion.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I you want to look at all the little stressful thoughts you’ve believed around connecting especially around sexuality….or the big stressful thoughts….we’re meeting for 8 weeks starting in January via telephone or skype. 

Some people are already enrolled (since I had to postpone the class due to being IN a class myself all year at that exact time, calendar confusion).

If a class isn’t for you, find a partner and get someone to facilitate you! Or sit down all by yourself and sort out your ideas. 

It’s worth it. 

Love, Grace

Posted on

How To Understand The Neediness You See (Is It Your Glasses?)

A dear old friend of mine and I got to have tea together the other day, after months of saying it was a good idea.

A beautiful mid-summer morning, we sat in soft living room chairs with sun beaming outside on the quiet street.

At one point our conversation turned to Carl Jung’s famously named personality traits known as “introversion” and “extroversion”.

My friend said in passing something I’ve heard before…”well, you’re probably an extrovert…”

Oh no, I corrected her immediately. I am actually, if you categorize such things, very extreme on the introverted scale.

A lot has occurred in my life that has produced a more well-developed “extroverted” abilities…that is, actually able to have a sociably acceptable conversations with other people.

Things have occurred like twelve step programs, group therapy, desperation, and suffering.

If I could have stopped my suffering without having to actually talk to anyone….believe me, I would have.

But talking to others was required, apparently, in my process of recovery, balance, peace and reconciliation with being a human and being connected to other humans.

However, I still could be perfectly content if I stayed home for weeks on end with almost no conversation.

Silent retreats? My favorite!

But it wasn’t always that way.

I used to feel so afraid of other peoples’ opinion of me, or what they would say, or what they might ask of me, that I could only take so much contact.

My introversion was part Defense.

People were frightening! They ask you questions! They get upset! They want things!

It seemed natural to have a protected environment, and be careful about social contact.

It can be so freeing, at a most core and basic primary level, to really question how scary people are, if you ever find them frightening…..and then you can find out if you are really all that introverted or not.

You may find you are ambiverted, you are undefinable, and you only lean one way or the other depending on the day.

So let’s take a look at that core concept “I’m afraid of that person because…..”

You can think of anyone, maybe in the distant past, maybe more current.

The fear doesn’t have to be gigantic, it can be a little flutter of nerves, anything that doesn’t feel as if you could be your own self entirely 100% with them, like you can’t quite relax. It may even be exciting sometimes, but just notice some sense of worry.

Hold that person in your mind and consider what feels particularly scary.

For me, as I consider one person I knew long ago, my thought is that they were simply too verbal, too intense, too many words, not enough silence, too demanding, too inquisitive, too needy, too full of praise for me.

The whole thing made me totally and completely nervous. I wanted to run for the hills.

I take this thought to inquiry “that person was too needy”.

Is it true?

YES! They were incessantly calling, emailing. That person was always asking when I was next available for dinner. Always coming up with ideas for outings.

They were always saying “we should go to hear that lecture, we should go to this concert, we should try that restaurant, we should visit that place…”

Jeez! Give it a rest!

Ahem. (Notice how the mind loves to prove the point).

Can you absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the person you are thinking about was too needy? Can you know they were needy at all?

Are you kidding me? They seemed very needy. That person even said “I need help”.

That person wanted my attention ten times more than I wanted theirs!

Does someone saying they need help mean that they are needy in a bad way?

Does someone saying they are in need mean they are dangerous, repulsive or someone to stay away from? Am I sure that if they are wailing and crying even, that they are in fact needy?

Because now that I think about it, they are breathing, living life, managing, eating, sleeping, expressing.

What’s going on here, in my mind, about this whole neediness thing anyway?

Rats. I can’t absolutely know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the person was too needy.

I’m looking at it through my needy-alert glasses, again.

The way I react when I believe that someone is needy is I avoid them and I desperately hope they feel better at the same time. Part of me wants to rescue them and rock them like a little baby.

Part of me feels the drag of that urgency.

The way I react when I see someone that I think is needy, is I think I need to help. Or I get a bit frozen. I’m not sure what to do. I have advice in my head, but I’m not even sure they could hear it. It’s discouraging.

I remember being 25 years old, and working in an environment where there were lots of 18 and 19 year olds. Many of them looked up to me, just a little more advanced along the life-line than them. One of them really took to me. She was a young deaf woman, delightful.

Then she shared with me some of her personal pain and difficult family history.

I bolted.

I was barely beginning a journey of telling the truth myself, newly in therapy.

I thought I was supposed to do something, offer something. I felt inadequate. Her sharing scared the bejeezus out of me. It was over the top for me, too much.

The way I treated myself when I believed that she was needy was I agreed with her that she needed Big Help.

I then believed I was not good enough, strong enough, big enough or adequate enough to be the one hearing her pain, which was HORRIBLE pain.

But who would I have been without that belief that she was needy? Even right there while she told me her personal story, and shared her personal suffering?

I would know I was the one to hear it, because I just did.

I would stay. I would listen, and I would also say no if I needed to. I would say “I don’t know what you should do”.

Without the thought that someone is too needy, things would be very simple in the presence of others. I might ask additional questions.

I would have the feeling deep inside that all is well, even if that person is so desperate they are threatening suicide.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I might even think “hmmm, maybe that is the best plan for them, who knows” rather than feel panic on the inside.

Without the thought that someone is too needy, I might even find I’m very interested in their thoughts about life and death…or I might find I’m a little bored with the drama.

That person is not too needy.

I am too needy, especially when it comes to that person.

Oh boy. I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa or Jesus or the Fairy Godmother and have some spectacular rescue plan that works.

This has been my experience in the past with my own children. I should have the perfect solution to their “needs”.

What I know now is that the person truly is not too needy, not for me, not for themselves, not for the world.

There is an infinite resource of help, transformation. I am a part of it. I don’t have to do anything special.

Miraculously…..doing less, offering nothing, simply being with these other humans without thinking I need to do, give, say, think or offer anything is the most exciting, gentle, heart-opening feeling.

No need to run, no need to hide, no angst, no hand-wringing.

“Get very specific about what that (difficult) emotion is speaking. Write down what that feeling is saying. You’re listening to what the emotion is saying. Get these down, write them down, then they can’t jump away. Then, with each one of those, feel what you read, because these are the thought patterns creating this pain. As you read through them and feel them, you can start ask yourself is this actually true? You will be amazed by your capacity to understand your own experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Those needy people? They truly have only been a reflection of myself. My terror of neediness. My fear of asking for help and not getting it.

Without the fear of neediness existing in myself or in others, everyone is free to come and go. I get the feel if I’m the person to respond or not.

It’s a simple yes or no.

“I was once walkign in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said ‘Oh my God, I’m dying. DO something!’ He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, ‘you don’t even care, do you?’ I said ‘No.’ And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too.” ~ Byron Katie

Turns out, I’m still an introverted sort of person and love lots of silence.

And I adore people.

Everyone looks a lot less needy these days. Even if they’re having a needy moment, it’s amazing how they just ask for what they need and receive it (it may be 5 minutes, it may be 5 years).

Or. Hmmm. Maybe that’s me who isn’t so needy.

If you know that connecting with others (all a part of you) appeals, or is a little scary, then join a wonderful circle to discover the truth. Only a few spots left with the 9/12 Thursday group starting next month: YOI (Year of Inquiry) or just the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. Both begin on Thursday, 9/12.

Posted on

I Need Need Need That

What a fabulous Thursday morning this past week with the Money, Work and Business teleclass group. This particular class, the third session, is the one directly on MONEY.

I have spent hours and hours doing The Work on Money, and it fascinates me as an entity, energy, thing, exchange. Money is wonderful! I love playing with it, having it, spending it, not having it, understanding it. Like life.

There was a time once when I woke up at night quite often, thinking about money with a sick stomach, spinning mind, anxious, nervous, imagining the scenario of losing my house, of packing up my stuff in boxes and driving it to my mother’s house to put in her basement.

Nowhere to live of my own! A failure! A terrible parent! An idiot!

Fear enters in whenever we feel scared, threatened, uncertain. When the images our mind is coming up with are frightening, we get very tense, very stressed…it feels like there is an anvil on our chest and we can’t breathe.

This does not have to be about money. It can be about a person. It can be about your boss, a lover, a child.

Here comes the fear, here comes the obsessive, repetitive thinking.

If all was well, if we really felt it was a friendly universe and we could trust this at a core level, right in the middle of this situation, then we would not wake up at night.

I knew back then already that my own thinking was the actual “thing” that was out of control. My thinking was panicked. The key was identifying what thoughts I was having very specifically that created such fear.

I wrote down what I believed Money would give me, if I had it, if it was mine. You can do this with anything. Substitute your target of desire! Sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s a new job, sometimes it’s youth, health.

Ooooh, if I just HAD THAT….then I would be peaceful, happy, content, OK, relaxed.

For some people, the great object of desire is spiritual enlightenment. Once I have that, I’ll be fine.

Are you sure?

“It’s not reality that matters, but what you’re saying to yourself about it.”~Anthony De Mello

I found that I could not be sure that having money would make me happy. In fact, I was quite sure I knew people with lots of money who were not. Could I skip the middleman, as Katie says, and be happy right from here, right now?

If you think you can’t….good. Welcome to exploring the amazing mind. Welcome to seeing where you argue with reality.

So, write down what you believe would make you happy, if you had it. Why would it make you happy? What would you really have, if you had that thing?

If I had money, I would be secure, safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful, generous, entertained, proud. I cannot have these things without the money.

If my father were alive, if my house were bigger, if I drove a better car, if I had a life partner, if my children were successful…THEN I would be excited, ecstatic, spacious, powerful, satisfied, satiated, adventurous. And not before!!

You see that from where you stand, right here in this present moment, you believe it is not good enough, it could be better….later.

Is that absolutely true?

The mind creates these images of how it will be in the future….soon, we hope, when it will be better. Right now, I am reading a book in the evening and then *PING* this imaginary picture enters that suggests eating some food would make things even better.

That little thought can grow into a torrential thunderstorm of longing, hoping, anger, fury, rage, despair. This life right here, right now, is not good enough, not full enough, not big enough, not fun enough, not rich enough.

This moment needs improvement. Something is wrong.

As soon as I stopped believing that I needed more money the minute I had that thought, my mind started to slow down. The images seemed to dissolve away.

The way the fear dissolved? I did the Work, I asked myself if my thinking was real and true. Was the impending disaster that I conjured in a split second of imagining actually going to happen?

Who would I be without the thought that I needed more money in order to be safe, successful, stable, or proud?

And if I turned the thought around to the opposite….in this world of duality….how would that idea fit? I DO NOT NEED MORE MONEY. Can I find ways that this is genuinely, actively true in this moment?

Am I safe, secure, generous, calm, peaceful right now? Could it be that there is enough of anything I thought there was NOT enough of?

Suddenly, or sometimes more slowly, that moment of waking up in the night that felt like a nightmare looked simple, quiet, non-eventful. Yes, I was safe. Yes, I was breathing. Yes, I was secure and stable. Yes, I was up to the challenge of living without lots of stuff (in fact it was incredibly fun).

In fact, there were amazing benefits. I had more free time. No going out for dinners, movies, workshops. I read. I spent whole days alone. I began to love my own company like I never had before.

Trusting in the flow of life….the Universe appeared to be friendly. Wow.

“We’re all looking for love, in our confusion, until we find our way back to the realization that love is what we already are. That’s all. We’re looking for what we already have.”~ Byron Katie

If you don’t get it and this doesn’t make sense….if it just DOES NOT seem like you already have what you’re looking for….write down why you are so unhappy, write down what is missing, and begin to inquire.

This pain you feel may be your gateway to freedom.

Love, Grace