Grace, Author at Question with Grace

August 24, 2013

If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Inquiring

I want a romantic partner!

Have you ever had that thought, or known someone close who had that thought?

It’s almost a question that has the answer “DUH, are you nuts? A gazillion trillion people want a partner…pretty much almost everyone who is single or unpartnered WANTS a partner!”

Let’s add in the thought “I want a different partner than the one I have.”

Between the two beliefs, there’s hardly anyone left over!

(OK, not really).

But many people who are single hardly question that a romantic mate would make them happier.

Many people who are in partnerships think about improving them, changing them, or getting out of them.

They look at their world and find proof that having or changing a partner is a fabulous plan.

They’ve been immersed in the idea, perhaps, since they were born, from the people all around them.

I’ve had lots of clients who believed they needed, wanted, craved or longed for romance, who are sure it does not exist in their current circumstances.

They are sure that if they were in a great couple agreement, they would have security, comfort, financial stability, pleasure, connection, and love.

Really?

Even though it may seem true, that society, your family, your friends say its true….it is still worth questioning, if it causes you stress.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” ~ Mark Twain

I was working with a woman who was positive it was true that partnership is better than being on your own.

She was alone, unpartnered…and therefore having an unhappy, unsatisfying life.

I asked her questions about what she meant when she said “partner”. Like, what is a GOOD partner? Because that’s the one you want, right?

A BAD partner won’t do. No, no, no.

You may even have some good examples of BAD partners. Those are OUT.

How do you think she reacted in her daily life when she believed she wanted a partner, and good men were hard to come by?

How does a person react when they believe they have to be careful who they pick, because they might get hurt, it might be a hassle?

Sad, disappointed, discouraged, angry, listless, flipping between “trying” to meet people and giving up altogether.

And my own company, or what is here now, just isn’t that great. Not good enough. Not fun enough, secure enough, comforting enough.

But who would you be without the thought that first, you need a partner, and second, that its rare to find a good one, a long shot?

Without the thought that a good partner is unusual, or that I even need one….I’m suddenly aware of all the energy spent on pining over the missing partner.

I’m here now.

It’s weird, actually, because that thought has been so ingrained. It’s like I don’t even know WHAT to think or do.

Things are unknown, open, mysterious.

For me, when I deeply questioned the thought that I needed one person in my life to feel happy…..some kind of clutching, grabby thing stopped on the inside.

My empty, quiet, silent little cottage felt magical, inviting. No one there. Sweet!

And then, activity took place, without my mind getting involved.

I went out into the world ready to have a ball. I stayed home doing my favorite thing: (in my case, reading). I went out dancing. I went off to meditation retreat. I bought tickets to my favorite concert.

I went out to dinner for the first time in my life, on purpose, all by myself to one of my favorite restaurants. It was weird, but intriguing.

I wrote down my stressful thoughts while sitting at the elegant table, all by myself. I did have some.

I noticed how fabulous it was to pick whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it.

Without the thought that I ever needed a partner I felt so content. Not missing out on anything. I could find whatever I enjoyed without “partnership”.

I began to notice that without any need for someone in my life, tons of men were everywhere and so many of them were adorable!

They weren’t rare at all.

It was a great a big, wide, fat question: who would I be without the thought that I needed? Anyone?

Without the thought that I needed, or wanted, or was separated from the whole Universe?

“When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take if for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is………I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was this is so contrary to everything that I’ve been brought up with….Sometimes you have to get rid of God in order to find God.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I say, let yourself question the old, solid thoughts that feel like foundations of happiness, such as needing partners, or needing the one you have to change.

You may find such freedom on the other side….if you keep going.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill

Keep inquiring, it’s worth it.

Love, Grace

August 23, 2013

A Small Group Of Citizens Can Change Your World

Oh my, such a wonderful group forming that will meet on Thursdays beginning 9/12 for a year together 5:15 pm Pacific time. Head over to the page to learn more. Scroll all the way down for every bit of information: Learn About YOI Here.

Special Heads Up to those of you in India, China, Japan, Indonesia (where I traveled last June), Australia, Hawaii or the whole US of A, because this particular YOI group meets at a time of day that could work for you, as in during waking hours but not while you’re at work!

One of greatest assists to deep inquiry for me has been hearing other peoples’ thoughts and their investigations.

The other day while in my car I randomly grabbed a CD out of my little collection stuffed into my glove box and popped in what turned out to be Byron Katie facilitating a woman who was certain that her boyfriend liked big-breasted women, which she was not.

I remembered hearing this dialogue a long time ago—this CD had been in my car for at least five years.

At the time that I first heard it, I grew aware of all the ideas I had about relationships and what people were or were not supposed to be doing in them.

Although I can hardly relate to any of it now (and when I do, I’ve got self-inquiry)…I listened closely to the answers from that woman Katie was working with.

The woman was so sure that she was not liked and accepted because her boyfriend was looking at other women.

It takes a lot of energy, focus and concentration to dictate to someone how you think they should act, think, speak, or feel.

And the result is a tremendous amount of suffering.

I remember.

I used to believe the same list:

a person in a committed relationship shouldn’t be attracted to other people
he shouldn’t light up when those women walk in the room
she shouldn’t touch him with her hand, laugh at his jokes, flirt with him if she’s aware he is married
she shouldn’t dance with him
he shouldn’t be so dependent on me
if he/she loses interest, it means my body isn’t good enough
he shouldn’t use porn, fuss about sex, obsess over potential partners
she should have a good income, support herself, accept me unconditionally

The list can go on and on stating what we think is best, so therefore this other person should follow my rules.

Then….I will be happy.

When I am happy, all is well. We have fun. I pay attention, I love, I express appreciation.

The only trouble was….that way of being was a lot of work. And very confusing.

Conditional love is by nature quite confusing, because it doesn’t really and truly fit who we are.

Katie asked the woman on the CD if it was actually true that her boyfriend shouldn’t like big-breasted women.

Shouldn’t he like whatever he liked? Isn’t that reality?

I remembered how often I’ve had the idea that I MYSELF shouldn’t like whatever I like.

I shouldn’t like this guy, I shouldn’t be attracted over there, I shouldn’t be repulsed by that one, I should be more interested, less interested, differently interested.

I should be interested in “spiritual things”, not money, or movies, or food, or sex (as if those weren’t spiritual).

Who would you be without the thought that when you notice your preferences, or someone else’s preferences, they, or you, are WRONG?

Does it work to shout at yourself “Don’t like that! You moron!”

Does it stop you from liking what you like? Does it stop someone else from liking what they like?

I notice it only makes me feel ashamed for liking it, not happy.

Are you absolutely sure you shouldn’t or should be interested in “x”?

Who would I be, in that same woman’s situation without the thought that the man shouldn’t ogle other women’s breasts?

But. He’s gross. Everyone would agree in THIS particular situation.

He’s got bad taste, he’s adolescent, he’s boring, he’s shallow, he’s entirely non-spiritual and immature.

With the thought that this human being should be different?

I am full of jealousy, anger, frustration, loneliness, disturbance, angst, worry, complaining.

It’s an inner war. I’m afraid.

Without the thought that he should be different?

I am back here in my own business, in my own body, and I wait here.

Ahhh….the world opens up in the most amazingly wild, fantastic way.

I am NOT afraid—and if I am, I can look more deeply at what truly scares me rather than just jumping to the conclusion that HE IS WRONG.

Suddenly in that situation as I stand there on the imaginary street in the same fantasty as the woman on the CD, I notice so many more people around than other women, this man, women’s body parts, or loss.

I notice there’s a whole huge world full of people and noise and nature.

Everyone so unique, sensual, sweet, embodied. Beauty is everywhere!

Even right here in my own body. I am so happy with my own body, with the breasts just as they are, that I want to giggle.

The whole entire objection seems absurd, hilarious.

I feel happy for the boyfriend and all the people who notice what they like!

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

I love that this woman shared herself with Katie, allowed the recording, went for it with anyone who was listening.

Her honesty changed my life for the better….her confessing her own inner concerns, her fears, her hopes and demands helped me.

If you’ve got the spark inside you to connect with other inquiring minds who really do want to understand how on earth to love what is, then check out the One Year Program or the upcoming fall classes below.

Connecting with yourself out loud, you may alter someone else’s relationship with their world. Without even trying.

You may inspire us, without even thinking about how. Just being you.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead

Year Of Inquiry (YOI) and other groups ARE a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens.

Yes….they can change your world…by showing you theirs.

Join us!

Love, Grace

August 22, 2013

Groups May Be Scary But They Can Change Your Entire Life – You Ready?

The Year of Inquiry (YOI!) circle begins 9/13 and our in-person live group (optional) retreat in Seattle is only a month away. If you are seriously considering joining this fabulous one-year small group of inquirers, email me soon for a conversation: grace@workwithgrace.com.

A participant recently shared this with the YOI group, and I feel the same way:

“I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. I thank me, too, for this gift to myself.” ~ YOI Circle Participant

Being connected to others in groups and at a deeply intimate level has offered me shifts in my life that have changed…..everything.

But being in a group can be uncomfortable! It can be really freaky scary!

It might be boring, stupid, full of annoying people, or depressing!

The first time I went to a twelve step meeting, thirty years ago, I was so shocked that people spoke the way they were speaking. I was quite literally stunned.

I had no idea you could say out loud what was going on inside your mind and heart.

I had no idea you could actually tell the truth.

But I caught the bug of awareness about my own mind by hearing others talk about theirs.

A few years later, I joined a therapy group.

That scared me half to death. I was silent for six months before the therapist actually said “your silence is actually very controlling”.

OMG! Really? But I don’t want anyone, ever, to see anything wrong with ME!

Oh. Right.

When I first encountered The Work of Byron Katie, I felt a memory stir of how I felt when I started that group therapy in my twenties.

I wanted to clam up.

Thanks! Got it! I’ll just go away and handle this BY MYSELF! See ya! I’m good!

OK then!

Yep, yessirree I’ve done a LOT of personal work so I’ll take it from here!

I wanted to burn my Judge Your Neighbor worksheets. I might even look over my shoulder while I wrote them just to make sure no one was coming.

Once, I even watched myself skip right over one of my sentences written down, one of my stressful concepts, as I read them all out loud to an actual facilitator (that I could hardly believe I had hired).

I couldn’t read that one. Then the facilitator will really hate me. Maybe some judgments are acceptable, but not that one.

I’ll just work on that one later, by myself in my closet with a flashlight.

The truth is, when you work with a group of people, and get to know them and show up regularly, you have no way to manipulate, direct, appease, lighten, or control what anyone does, says, thinks or feels when you tell the absolute truth.

We may see parts of you that you normally keep hidden. You may not be able to keep that ugly stuff to yourself anymore.

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.” ~ Pema Chodron

The thing is, you can only maneuver your life into being closed and careful for so long.

At some point, for everyone, their interest in the truth and revealing themselves becomes more important than holding things together.

I find every time I join a collection of people with the intention to learn, grow, incorporate and understand….it’s thrilling. Our joining makes something wonderful happen.

But I’ve got a lot of practice now at self-disclosure. I know from experience that it works WAY better than puttin’ a lid on it.

I speak from careful testing.

I would have LOVED to maintain a perfect image and never have to say the yucky stuff, the fears, the anger, the sadness.

But it was killing me not to.

Even if you’re super crazy shy, you know how great it feels to have one of those wonderful, close, connected, honest conversations.

Being with others in a deeply honest way may not only be good, it may change your entire life.

Twelve step groups, support groups, one-on-one counseling, group therapy, retreats, prayer circles, study groups, people who do The Work of Byron Katie together.

We the people are somewhere you can reach us…whether on the phone, in your neighborhood, in your city.

You mean….I am going to reveal my stressful, weird, unpleasant, nasty, immature, pissy beliefs?

You mean I’m going to tell about my inadequacies, fears, and anger?

You mean I’m going to write what is inside my head? On paper (not in invisible ink)? And read what I write OUT LOUD?

Yes. You are. You know you want to!

You may feel sick for a little bit, but it rocks.

The more I’ve done The Work….the easier its gotten to reveal my innermost crushing thoughts to other humans.

In fact, the cave is no longer dark and musty and smelly….the one filled with all those resistant beliefs. It’s rather light and treasure-filled now.

I see now that this comes from being totally and completely honest, noticing exactly where and what I wanted to hide, and uncovering it…all the way.

“Most people don’t get out of childhood, or adolescence, without being wounded for telling the truth. Someone says ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you shouldn’t say that’ or ‘that wasn’t appropriate’ so most of us human beings have a very deep underlying conditioning that says that just to be who we are is not OK…….Most human beings have an imprinting that if they’re real, if they’re honest, somebody’s not gonna like it. And they won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.” ~ Adyashanti

Letting go of control, you become very honest.

That moment of speaking the truth without trying to get anything or expect anything or look a particular way…of just being you…what an amazing shift.

You may notice a freedom beyond belief.

“If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

If you’re ready to be with a group, supporting you through inquiry with honesty and integrity, then come on down to the One Year Program and join our telegroup, starting 9/12.

You will be welcome here…the real you.

Love, Grace

P.S. if a year is too much and too long then come on over to the 8 week group which also starts 9/12 8 am Pacific time, turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Any relationship! (mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister, cousin, spouse, boss, employee…)

August 21, 2013

Feeling Peaceful When You Hear Crude Words

It’s astonishing sometimes the speed at which the mind can move into believing a stressful thought.

Even right in the middle of doing The Work.

There you are, answering the question “who would I be if I didn’t believe this situation, or that person, was troubling?”

And in your mind you see warning images flash about what this bad or difficult situation means and how sure you are that it IS troubling.

Or you compare yourself to those Other People who are having a great time over there, without the same kinds of difficulties.

Maybe you get a little nervous about that difficult person, and you’d rather not talk, think, say or do anything about them….too scary.

The other day I was questioning my idea that someone I overheard speaking shouldn’t have said what they said.

“He is so inappropriate” I chattered away to myself. “He always brings up sexual innuendo or talks about his sexcapades, and he makes himself appear as if he’s had thousands of sexual partners, so crude…”

He wasn’t even talking to me, I just overheard him.

I felt inquiry rise in me as I drove quietly home in my car.

Who would I be in that moment when I heard this person talking about sexual contact with others that it was in poor taste, or wrong, or exasperating, or icky?

Oh no….without the thought, I wouldn’t speak up, I wouldn’t get away from him, I wouldn’t be grossed out and know who to avoid!

I realized this was one of those situations where without the belief that he is gross or crude…..I feel vulnerable, nervous. That thought feels like it’s protecting me, even if its harsh.

But can I be sure that believing I KNOW what is repulsive will protect me, and keep me safe?

Not really.

I looked at the belief “he is not safe”.

You can think of someone right now who you feel nervous around, even just a little bit. Or maybe it’s a whole lot.

Are you sure that person isn’t safe? Are you sure you’re in danger of getting hurt if they speak, listen, have contact with you?

Yes! I need to be careful!

Suddenly I remember being on summer break at my grandparents house between fifth and sixth grade. Reunited with my best summer friend, who I hadn’t seen since the previous year.

She is now very interested in boys. She has a boyfriend. She wants us to sneak out of the house together on the hot summer night and go to a party.

I’ve never even thought about boys before. We’re eleven. I have no brothers. I’ve hardly talked with boys. It never occurred to me.

I follow her to the party in the dark hot summer night. I don’t like this idea. I’m paired with a boy and apparently everyone is supposed to “make out”.

I’m frozen. I have the thought that I’m grossed out, and then also the thought that I myself shouldn’t say anything out loud to the boy, my friend, to anyone.

In that situation, as it rises in vivid color memory…who would I be without the thought that it was terrible, that everyone was wrong, and my friend and the boys were disgusting…or that they were not safe?

I would notice that this situation was above and beyond my preference zone. I would say “I’m going home now” and leave, rather happily.

I probably would have said to my friend before we even left her house “Party? Uh, no thanks, I’m going to sleep now.”

I would save about three hours of sick anxiety caught between terror and waiting for the whole thing to be over.

Maybe I’d be curious…what on earth are these humans doing anyway? And also notice I am not very interested, and very clear that this is not the time and place for me, yet.

Often, right under the surface of investigating who you would be without a thought, there are other powerful thoughts and beliefs that deserve exploration.

Who was not safe in that situation?

That was me. I wasn’t safe for myself. I didn’t talk. I didn’t say no. I was believing that I couldn’t rock the boat, leave, speak up, voice an opinion, or express my preferences without being in danger.

I return to my review of the current situation with the man who I was judging.

I take a look at him again, in my mind.

I notice I’m not exactly drawn to him and his words in that moment….but I am entirely safe.

He doesn’t have to change for me to be happy. I’m glad he is enjoying himself, having an exciting life.

I discover that the person who is not safe, as I am overhearing the language, the explicit sexual description, the terminology…is ME.

Without the thought that I don’t ever want to hear that kind of talk, I burst out laughing. I picture myself giving that man a light punch and saying something like “Can you take this conversation outside?”

I relax with the words and meanings I heard, and find there is a place for them and a part of life with them, and that one of my favorite topics of all time has been learning, understanding and knowing about human sexuality and what works and what doesn’t work for me personally.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie

In fact, after I overheard that conversation, I asked someone close what one term was that I had no idea what it meant or what it was (yes, at age 52) and learned a new thing about sexual conduct in some humans.

And I also noticed, I wasn’t really that interested.

“When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently. Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world. Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities. So then, something does change.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

P.S. If you experience a lot of beliefs around sexuality, then join us in October for the next 8 week teleclass with exercises created to look at worst case scenarios and other stressful situations with inquiry.

Also, the One Year Program is a wonderful way to examine every stressful situation that appears in your world in your present life, and with partnership and support to question them using The Work.

August 20, 2013

Have To, Must, Never, Always and Other Lies

Not long ago I was working with a lovely man concerned with his computer addiction.

“I have to quit” he said. “Hours and hours go by with me staring at the screen, bouncing from site to site”.

I remembered other inquirers looking at their internet use, signing up for porn sites either for free or paying for subscriptions, movies, you tube, vines, vlogs, blogs, research, reading articles, email, facebook, linked in, pinterest, google plus.

Uh…watching “non-dual” speakers (there are hundreds) talk about the nature of reality. Heh heh.

I remember another person I once knew when he first introduced himself to me talking about his sobriety and how he never, never, ever, ever, never would ever take a drink again and could never, ever be with people who drank alcohol.

He was drunk a couple of weeks later.

Pronouncements that are full of across-the-board this-is-it FOREVER often have a bit of an extreme edge.

They are infused with force. At least when I have uttered these kinds of statements and there’s a kind of push….then I feel angry, discouraged, defiant, terrified, violent.

Not exactly kind, easy-going, or peaceful.

A very common cry in the addictive cycle is to say words like “I have to” or “I will never” or “I will always”.

There you are, reaching for the big yummy container of ice cream, filled with craving. Or reaching for your cigarettes and lighter. Or thinking about that beer. Or feeling a need to check your emails. Or deciding to watch videos.

In that very moment, what do you want? If you engage in the behavior, did you get what you want?

I used to want to let my anger out. To talk to people and tell the damn truth for once.

But instead, I would then think “I can’t tell the truth, that won’t help, I’ll be rejected, my anger is too strong, I am too needy, I want to be a nice person but I don’t feel nice, I’m too critical, I’ll settle for over-eating instead.”

That all happened in about 2/10ths of a second.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, don’t tell the truth, don’t be REAL. Worse things will happen.

You’ll be rejected, obliterated, annihilated, lonely, alone, dead, insane, you’ll hurt other people…it will be bad.

Seriously. Go for the behavior instead. Change channels. Shut the craving down.

It seemed like my best choice at the time, based on what I believed, to eat alone, instead of truly expose myself.

Who would you be without the thought that at your core, without the addictive behavior to “help” manage your feelings or cover up your unhappiness, you are rotten and unlovable (when you’re upset)?

What if you realize that yes, when you touch a hot stove it burns, but you don’t need to throw the stove out of the house or stay away from stoves for the rest of your life?

What if you could relax when you have a strong urge or craving, and be curious?

What if your want, desire, urge, reaching, grasping is just a part of you, and a part of this big interesting invitation to see what is really, honestly true for you in that moment?

Are you SURE you wanna do that thing you think you wanna do?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. ~ Thomas Merton

Are you SURE you DON’T want to do it? Are you SURE you want to stop?

Ah, there’s a question. Because for me, the answer was obviously “no”. Because I didn’t.

What if I wasn’t so against and resistant to this terrible craving, so filled with fury, wanting to control it, anger, extreme thinking, emptiness?

Who would I be without the thought that I MUST stop, I have to, I can never, I must be vigilant, I should always….

Wow. Relieved. Fascinated. So much more energy. Connected. Wondering. Open. Possibility.

Free.

Could this craving be a gift?

I now look back and see….yes, yes, yes.

“Resist your temptation to lie by speaking of separation from God, otherwise we may have to medicate You. In the ocean a lot goes on beneath your eyes. Listen, they have clinics there too for the insane who persist in saying things like: ‘I am independent from the Sea, God is not always around gently pressing against my body.’ ” ~ Hafiz

Instead of shutting yourself down, medicating yourself with shame or unhappiness at your own behaviors, or lying about what an unreliable, grabby, addicted person you are….consider instead the turnaround to be true.

In that moment of desire, urgency, reaching…could there be something more satisfying, more thrilling, more wonderful, bigger, deeper, more beautiful than you’re aware of?

What if you are aware, you’re just pretending that you’re not? What if that’s the moment you’ve been waiting for….connection to All This?

What if you can handle the fire?

If I can, you can too.

The One Year Program is devoted to staying in inquiry, when you apparently think it might be easier to believe your lies. Join us.

Love, Grace

August 19, 2013

The Work Stops World War Z

This past weekend, I was facilitating my Saturday morning dance and dripping with sweat and bursting with inspiration, as usual, and I decided to do a few cartwheels.

A few cartwheels is not a big deal for me, I did them non-stop from age 10 through 16 and then often beyond that, so they are kind of part of my natural movement.

But then I felt myself pretending I was on the gymnastics mat from almost forty years ago (astonishing, as it seemed like yesterday) and go for a round-off.

Suddenly I was back in my memories and living them out right in that moment….the run, the build-up, the intention to go hard, fast, and push off the floor and fly into that awesome movement of palms down to the floor, body flipping upside down and over, feet landing with a great spring and jump….

….and as I soared through the air, in my fantasies and in real life…..I felt a searing pain jab through my entire right leg from upper hip, shooting down into my knee and even my foot.

I did not fall, but it felt like my right hip was ripped out of the socket (that could be a little dramatic).

Thirty seconds later I was talking to myself “Yeah, that’s right. Walk it out. Keep moving, don’t sit down”.

I couldn’t have sat if I wanted to, there was such a huge pain in my right butt cheek.

I felt nauseated.

And then, I felt scared. And defiant. Like…OK that happened and NOW it is going AWAY.

Right? Universe? Hello?

In that moment of pain, and then the moments that followed, the mind kicked in with commentary about the situation.

Should I go to urgent care? But I’m still walking.
I need to know what happened, I need an assessment of the damage.
I’m an idiot.
Don’t let anyone see that you just did this to yourself
I am aging, just like everyone else. I can’t do gymnastics anymore (and this is terrible).
That was stupid.
Now I’ll miss: birthday party, bike ride, work, driving, doing whatever I want, accomplishing things around the house, writing (can’t sit up)
I can’t stand lying flat all day long, this is boring
I should welcome this opportunity like a meditation retreat
boy howdy, I’m not putting up with my no-dairy diet today! forget it!

Alarm bells! Panic Button! World War Z!

On the way home, wincing a bit and furrowing my brow, I could see my mind panic with visions of my end of life, no more dancing, sitting all crinkled up in a chair at age 100, suffering, remembering my life in gymnastics all those years ago.

Sad, upsetting, life-is-rough-then-you-die, down with pain, the beginning of the end, its over!

Thank goodness, as I took some turns into zombie-belief-land, turns out I had made a date to trade sessions in The Work with a very dear facilitator.

I wrote down my judgments on my hip, and all the ways it should change.

The most important being….it should not have gotten hurt. That simply shouldn’t have happened.

I watched my mind have a hissy fit. I made coffee and put half and half in it, even though I’ve been consuming no dairy for a few weeks. I felt sour.

I texted the two most top-level athlete friends I know and asked them for advice. One said something about tears and operations to reconnect ligaments.

I didn’t like this situation.

Stop. Is that true?

Even with the mind strategizing all the ways to heal quickly, prevent it from every happening again, and chide me for being stupid….can I really know that this SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Because it actually did happen. So arguing with reality is a bit, ummm, presumptuous.

“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I know that?” ~ Byron Katie

WITH the thought that this event shouldn’t have happened, and I should not be hurt, I am entirely focused on the hurt. The worry. Imagining my days ahead. Sorry for myself. Angry with myself.

WITH the thought that this shouldn’t have happened…cream in my coffee suddenly becomes necessary. I need things to taste good.

Stop again. Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that this should not have happened?

Such a bizarre and foreign question. The mind normally races off, so dang positive its right about getting hurt.

But what an incredible question to contemplate. What if I really did not believe that this was BAD BAD BAD? What would that be like? Who would I be then?

It’s an adventure. Everything I thought I was doing is cancelled. Open territory.

I’m right up into the deep questions of the cosmos. Not caught up in the to-do list and busy.

Everything stops.

I enter the opposite field, where all is well. I am studying this experience, instead of raging a war with it.

I lie down and take ibuprofen medicine
I don’t need to know what happened, or become a doctor and understand the entire gamut of possibilities and hip anatomy
I’m a normal human being, not a zombie OR special
I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of
I am aging, just like everyone else, halleluia. What a fascinating path.
do I really need to do round-offs to have a happy life?
That was brilliant!
Now I’ll gain: slowing down, staying home, watching a movie with my daughter, watching another movie with my husband, reading about Buddhist practice in business, doing nothing, having time to do The Work with my friend for 2.5 hours
I love lying flat all day long, this is exciting
this IS like a meditation retreat

I watched the advantages come alive about this situation, because I decided to look for them, not resist them.

Watching myself be human.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past.”~ Byron Katie

In the moment of the round-off pain did I love it? Well. My mind did not. It was doing its Emergency Management thing.

But I notice that now, a few days later, and after doing The Work, I am relaxed, quieter. Writing this sitting up.

Drinking a cup of tea with coconut milk.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re like me and you need support to stay in inquiry, connecting with other wonderful humans all of whom are interested in remembering to question their thinking….then come join either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass. Both meet on Thursdays.

August 17, 2013

Obi-Wan Ken-YOU-Be, You’re Your Only Hope!

Even though I saw Star Wars when it first came out, all those years ago, and even though I’ve never seen it again, I still remember many fantastic scenes.

One of my favorite was the video message of Princess Leah saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

She’s strong, proud, and powerful.

It seemed in the story, to me, that perhaps….just maybe….good things were coming to the princess.

She was sending out a request, but who knows, maybe there was Other Hope alive there as well.

The adventure! It was ON!

The other day I was working with a young woman who feels entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate.

She feels good about her fun career, her capacity to earn money, her opportunities for adventure, the closeness of friends.

But darn it, that ideal relationship is elusive.

Many people consider parts of their lives like miserable failures, or disappointments.

This is an interesting exercise in questioning your thinking….to really examine that place where you feel like a dolt, like you’ve made mistakes.

Like you just don’t measure up compared to others. Maybe you’re mediocre when you hoped to rock the house.

You had dreams….but….YAWN.

Maybe you’ve completely blown it.

Take a moment right now and consider where in your life you have beenunsuccessful.

Have you been unsuccessful, or less than brilliant, in your career? In making money? In being free from addiction? In being normal weight? In finding that fabulous beloved partner? In finishing that creative project? In becoming enlightened?

Now…let’s do The Work on this idea, that you are Less Than Genius when it comes to this subject.

You know what Brilliance looks like, what Success looks like.

It’s over there…that person is successful in this area. Not me.

First of all, get really quiet and answer this question: Is it true that you are not successful in this most important, wonderful, significant area for you?

Are you sure you are not successful?

Yes Yes Yes! I know what my life would look like if I were successful! NOT LIKE THIS.

I’m a loser in this area. (I’m even a loser for thinking so self-critically, I should love myself, right?)

Hold it.

Slow it down and see, if it was only you who can give the Final Answer. (I can hear the game show host from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and his voice saying IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?)

Is it true that you are unsuccessful in this arena you’re thinking about?

Yes or No are both fine. Just watch which one is actually true for you, it’s quite fascinating.

And now, next question….

…How do you react when you believe the thought that you are unsuccessful at “x”? What happens in that moment?

I used to feel so low, like the scum of the earth. A kind of heavy, flat weight, pulling me down to horizontal.

Acute depression. Bitter vicious stream of thought, calling myself names.

I ate food, lots of it, when I wasn’t hungry.

Then I’d feel worse. And numbly forget all about the original lack of success.

I wouldn’t even try to go succeed at whatever “x” was (for me it was having a fun, interesting job, earning money, connecting with others honestly, being real, saying “no”, finishing my book, sending my writing to publishers).

Why bother trying to change?

Look at all this evidence for my failure…..I had proof based on stories of the past.

I didn’t have The Work back then…but fortunately I had people in my life who were deeply encouraging, who reminded me of what I actually knew was really the truth….

….that I was successful in these areas.

Wait. What?

But. I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have a retirement account! I’m twenty pounds overweight! I binge eat! I need a job!

Yes, you read that correctly.

Who would you be if instead of thinking you are unsuccessful in this topic, that you are SUCCESSFUL.

Full of success. Capable, brilliant, sparkling, learning, growing, undefined, making course corrections, compassionate, kind to yourself, understanding, loving, waking up.

I notice that in every moment I’ve lived, I was always doing the best I could.

The critical mind tends to come in and quickly say “no you weren’t…you knew better…you should have done blah blah blah…”

But let yourself find examples of what you’ve learned, how you’ve been successful, how losing taught you something perhaps, how that intense experience supported you.

Even if you are a single person (and some part of you imagines it would be better to be in a relationship) see how you have been successful with who you are, with your experience.

How has it been of advantage to go slow, spend time alone, work extremely hard, be abandoned by that lover, not earn much money, not become a guru, be overweight, get sick, use drugs or alcohol?

Maybe when you stop riding yourself for your faults, you may find that the honest truth is that you’re peaceful with where you are in this moment with that apparently unsuccessful topic.

For me? I am so grateful for my under-earning, low, depressive, addictive, emotional reaction to life….

….because it all was a big fat wake up call.

It put me on this trajectory (the client said the same thing).

A humble learner. Someone going beyond their family traditions. Someone entering uncharted territory.

Someone living with the possibility of being joyful with What Is.

Maybe the entire way your life has gone is exactly the perfect path you’ve needed to find your freedom.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have a hard time finding the advantages for past “failures”, or your current status, or your lack of freedom, or your not-quite-there yet….

….sit down and do The Work.

If it’s really hard, and you can’t imagine being your own only hope, you can join the upcoming two classes that start in September and get yourself some support to stay in inquiry: either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program is filling: choose to join the teleclass, the teleclass plus solo sessions, or the teleclass/solo sessions AND in-person retreats. You may want to decide soon! Write with questions: grace@workwithgrace.com

August 16, 2013

When Your Job Doesn’t Feel Like A Vacation

It is incredible to see how many people think about jobs, work, and activity that brings in money as a trap.

One big prison sentence of having to figure out what to do to earn money, find a job, and then trade services, time and energy for pay.

You give them your time, effort, expertise…and you don’t get to live your life freely! You can’t do what you want to do!

You’re workin’ for THE MAN! (Clenched fist).

Not long ago a man I was facilitating in The Work around his small business was talking about the 99% (the slogan used in the US addressing the disparity between the ultra rich 1% and then everyone else).

He was talking about how so many people are ripped off, never can get ahead.

He said he noticed how most people are part of the rat race and he said how sad that so many people hate their jobs.

It reminded me of myself and my past view of work and business, that I was FORCED by society to make an income, that I HAD to have a job.

I once had the same attitude about work, corporations, paychecks, that “they” are controlling my vacation time, and sick leave and the whole shebang.

When I had one job, around age 24 (my first after college) I dreamed about being somewhere better, of not having to go to work Monday through Friday.

I complained internally about HAVING to DRIVE to work when I’d rather STAY HOME. So many things to do, read, learn…..and work was a big interruption.

I did not have The Work back then, a way to practice personal self-inquiry with clarity.

Thank goodness I still found so much that I actually liked about that job. I met friends there, for example, who became friends for my entire life….really deep wonderful friendships.

But having a global attitude towards work and jobs spelling trouble, of jobs being “hard” or unsatisfying, can really leave a person stuck.

I remember a moment in my distant past where I was on my way to my office job in the big huge city I lived in, frustrated that I “had” to go.

It’s helpful to see what was really wrong with having to go, what I believed I was missing, what was most annoying.

its better if you get to do whatever you want all day long
having a schedule is a burden
I want to be doing “x” instead (watching movies, playing music, reading, sleeping, hanging out with my children)
my job is boring
I can’t quit this job because I need the money
its too hard to find another job
there’s no time for creativity, fun, joy in my day
they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds)

My perception of work in so many ways was that it was an imposition.

The concept my client questioned was part of that field: I would rather be on vacation.

It seemed really true.

Vacation vs working on the business non-stop day and night? Duh! Of course that’s true!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you want to change the channel, get out of this supposed “non-stop” experience of working, and be on vacation, whatever that actually IS?

Is vacating really such a draw? (I personally find sitting on a beach with a cold drink interesting for about 30 minutes).

As I facilitated this thoughtful client through his frustration with trying to run a little business, he discovered that often, he knew what it was like to live without the thought “I would rather be on vacation”.

He only had that thought when he felt exhausted, tense, unable to let go of the outcome of his day.

Without the thought that he’d rather be somewhere else relaxing, he relaxed. He slowed down.

He noticed that he actually had a big and rather puzzling project in front of him: how to become successful, how to make the money flow more easily, how to serve more people, how to have fun while doing it all, how to love his work life.

He LIKED that project, even though sometimes he felt frustrated with it because he had to learn so much that was new.

The full turnaround opposite to the thought is “I would rather be here, doing this work, having my day, being myself, creating, building, generating”.

I love finding examples of this turnaround for myself, sitting with them, feeling them, imagining them to be as true as the original stressful beliefs:

I am doing what I want, I feel passion, joy and focus in my business, I have purpose, excitement
having a schedule is huge freedom, I don’t have to think about it, I’m in service
Every single thing I think I’m missing, I already do: watch movies, play music, read, sleep, hang out with my children, rest
my job is very exciting, my job is being me, wherever I am
I don’t need money to have a happy life, I don’t need a vacation to have a happy life
its very easy to find new work, job, ideas
there’s great possibility for finding creativity, fun, joy in my day
they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds) and I’m so grateful!

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~ Byron Katie

What if I can find happiness in whatever my status, job, position, work environment?

Wherever I am, whatever I do, whatever is going on?

“Use that opportunity of a diminished sense of self-worth and self-image, and step beyond. Then, perhaps, you’ll find a job – but your sense of worth no longer depends on what you do there, or what you don’t do, or achieve or don’t achieve. You will find some transcendence, and you can bring that transcendence into your next job. The clinging to mental images is not there anymore. You’ll be surprised how well you’ll do, in your next job, when the clinging to images isn’t there anymore.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If you have thoughts about being unfulfilled, or wanting more vacation, question your thinking.

You may find fulfillment right here, right now.

And all you ever wanted in a vacation.

Love, Grace

August 15, 2013

Feeling Like A Victim Is Suffering In Paradise

A few weeks ago I read about someone who was falsely accused of using sexual favors to grow her consulting business by a competitor.

Ouch.

The part that impressed me the most was that this woman (the incident happened over two decades ago) had the wisdom at the time to slow down and question her thinking.

She knew revenge, rage, fear, self-criticism or being against the situation somehow did not feel entirely right.

Most of us know this.

We can feel that when we’re thinking that person is a mean, vile, nasty, personality-disordered, vicious liar….

….our bodies are filled with stress, unhappiness, terror and sadness.

When we’re sure that if they hadn’t done what they did, that we’d be better off, then we’re the victim in the situation.

There’s no end to suffering when you are positive you were the victim.

This doesn’t mean to suppress and shut down our feelings. They rise up. It’s the opposite really. They are showing us what we believe about the situation.

The troubling feelings are the lighthouse signal that says “Hey there…watch out…there are big rocks over here and if you keep moving in this stress-filled direction, you might get grounded.”

If you do get grounded, it’s not the end of the world, of course. But you may have to rebuild your ship.

But how do you stop feeling like a victim?

First. Wait. Don’t do anything.

(If someone is shooting at you, you probably won’t even think about it—you’ll run. I’m talking about when the dust is settled).

Then sit down with a pen and paper. Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the worksheet that captures your most painful beliefs about the situation as you look back on it.

The amazing thing about this worksheet, such a huge relief, is that you are petty, horrible, judgmental, critical, condemning right there on paper.

Say it all, say all the childish victim-y things that come to mind.

This gives them a chance to come out of you, onto the paper. Write for as long as you want. Be furious with your pen.

Then pick just one of the concepts you believe about this situation, this person, this wrongful attack, this person who is responsible for YOU being a VICTIM.

Who would you be without the thought that some person in the world has done you wrong?

Without the belief that they have made a mistake about you?

Wow, really?

But they did make a mistake! They are wrong! They should pay! It’s not fair!

Are you open to trying out the question?……Who would you be WITHOUT the belief that you are a victim in this situation?

It’s just a question.

I have found it’s a very exciting, very powerful, broad, expansive question.

And if you give yourself even a tiny drop of allowing yourself to imagine who you would be, you may begin to notice what freedom is.

At least, that’s what happened to that woman who I read about, in her difficult situation. And I’ve had the same experience myself.

When I began to just a teensy-weensy-teensy bit imagine the idea that I was not personally wronged or attacked…I notice a thrill of excitement that I did not imagine would appear.

What if that person was helping you, guiding you in a way, towards a broader, bigger, more loving and awakened life?

What if that person is showing you the direction to take? or NOT take?

I found that ultimately, the opposite was true when I thought someone hurt me…

….I actually hurt myself.

That person was helping me to see it.

That person was helping me to see how strong, capable, centered, and honest I could become.

That person showed me where I might have spoken up earlier, been kinder, been more conscious.

If you can’t see what good came out of that experience for you, even being WILLING to seeing something will bring you curiosity that you may notice is kind of exciting!

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ~ Pema Chodron

What I see now, with my own personal inquiry, is how that person helped me stand on the ground of forgiveness with a rebuilt ship, and sail out into the wide blue ocean of brand new things being entirely possible.

Yes, that person assisted in my personal awakening.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have anyone who mildly or acutely feels disturbing in your life, past or present, and if you’d like help in slowing down and investigating for yourself…consider joining the upcoming 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starting Sept. 13th.

On the same day, in the afternoon, our One Year Group begins…if you’re ready to go long and deep, if perhaps you’re rebuilding your entire ship.

Love, Grace

August 14, 2013

Those Upsetting People Should Stop

Yesterday the current One Year group resumed our telecalls (we always meet three times per month).

We are in our third month together, and we change topics each month, for the whole year.

(By the way, this is so successful that a second one-year group will begin Thursday, Sept 13, 5:15 pm Pacific). Click here to read about it.

This month, we’re looking at Those People who…..ARGG….

….the ones who bug us, who are dangerous, who should change, often lumped in as a group to a “type” of person.

In the past I’ve noticed my mind judging whole cultures, countries, caricatures, neighborhoods.

Those Americans, those drunks, those starlets, those Nazis, those construction workers, those corporations, those rich people, those narcissists, those prejudiced people, those New Age Non-Dualists (tee hee, had to throw that one in)…

…you get the idea.

Then, as you consider that collection of human “types” and the energy around any one of them, situations come to mind where you personally were involved with someone from that group and you felt uncomfortable, or you heard about it.

I never met Anne Frank or any Nazi, for example, but the image of those terrible soldiers was in my mind vividly when I read Anne’s famous and incredible autobiography when I was 14.

From this vision, I answer all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I think about the most stressful moment, the most annoying, difficult, bothersome piece, and write my judgments about that one situation.

Today it was so moving to hear of peoples’ anger, rage, fury, irritation, sadness or jealousy about Those Other People.

Teenagers with boom boxes, parents who don’t control their children, complainers, avoiders, arrogant people, even beautiful parents with easy lives, intolerant people, or just bad music.

We all laughed together as we exposed our judgments, fears, and our strong belief that “I need that person/people to STOP”.

Can I really know that my life would be better, easier, happier if that person quit doing what they did?

Am I sure that the noise should stop, the words, the behavior, the sound, the questions, the complaints….is it true that it needs to stop for me to be comfortable, content, or peaceful?

I notice when I believe that someone needs to be shut down, or I need to get something from someone, or even, I need to be more like those people….

….I don’t feel peaceful. I feel conflicted, confused, upset.

I might even feel like I HATE them.

Who would I be without the thought that I need them to stop it?

As we all sat with this question in group inquiry, feeling the sensations in the body without the thought that they should stop, looking at those people doing what they are doing, hearing the sound that was so objectionable….

…many people noticed the body becoming open, warm, full of energy, even full of acceptance, love, compassion for those people.

Turning the thought around we all burst into laughter as we found “I need those people to keep doing what they do, I don’t need them to stop, I need me to stop; I need me to stop ruminating, concentrating, focusing and being so at war with them, or even with ME.”

What if I actually moved towards those people, rather than away from them?

What if I turned and faced them, rather than resisted them?

“Let go an open to your world. Realize that trying to protect your territory, trying to keep your territory enclosed and safe, is fraught with misery and suffering. It keeps you in a very small, dank, smelly, introverted world that gets more and more claustrophobic and more and more misery-producing as you get older.” ~ Pema Chodron

Living the turnaround for me doesn’t mean I have to move in with the Nazis, or enter arenas where I know not to go….

….but I might find something beautiful as I allow them to be as they are.

I might find gratitude for what is present, now.

“No one has to question their thoughts. It can be very difficult to get that still. But it’s even more difficult NOT to get that still, and answer these questions. It is the way out of hell. We’re not used to that. It can be very uncomfortable, just the idea of being happy.” ~ Byron Katie

The next One Year Group starts on Thursdays, Sept 13, 5:15-6:45 pm. You can choose to enroll in the telecalls only, or add 4 solo sessions and/or the two in-person weekend retreats in Seattle (these will be so much fun, and powerful). We meet until August 2014.

I Like This Restaurant

“Doing the work over the years without training or knowing anybody actually doing the work, (I found people willing to talk about the work but none willing to put it on paper), I craved association with others actually doing the work. In taking this class and associating with you all is even more satisfying than I had anticipated. I so enjoy spending time with anybody willing to question their thoughts, willing to face the discomfort that comes with believing that thought and then move into joy. Very real, I like this restaurant and want to come back again & again.” S, Year Of Inquiry Group

Come enjoy the intimate, caring experience of making a year of appointments with Self-Inquiry….a small group (limited to 14) to hear you and support your work, and the power of noticing what is Real and what is not.

Love, Grace