Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Feeling Peaceful When You Hear Crude Words

It’s astonishing sometimes the speed at which the mind can move into believing a stressful thought.

Even right in the middle of doing The Work.

There you are, answering the question “who would I be if I didn’t believe this situation, or that person, was troubling?”

And in your mind you see warning images flash about what this bad or difficult situation means and how sure you are that it IS troubling.

Or you compare yourself to those Other People who are having a great time over there, without the same kinds of difficulties.

Maybe you get a little nervous about that difficult person, and you’d rather not talk, think, say or do anything about them….too scary.

The other day I was questioning my idea that someone I overheard speaking shouldn’t have said what they said.

“He is so inappropriate” I chattered away to myself. “He always brings up sexual innuendo or talks about his sexcapades, and he makes himself appear as if he’s had thousands of sexual partners, so crude…”

He wasn’t even talking to me, I just overheard him.

I felt inquiry rise in me as I drove quietly home in my car.

Who would I be in that moment when I heard this person talking about sexual contact with others that it was in poor taste, or wrong, or exasperating, or icky?

Oh no….without the thought, I wouldn’t speak up, I wouldn’t get away from him, I wouldn’t be grossed out and know who to avoid!

I realized this was one of those situations where without the belief that he is gross or crude…..I feel vulnerable, nervous. That thought feels like it’s protecting me, even if its harsh.

But can I be sure that believing I KNOW what is repulsive will protect me, and keep me safe?

Not really.

I looked at the belief “he is not safe”. 

You can think of someone right now who you feel nervous around, even just a little bit. Or maybe it’s a whole lot.

Are you sure that person isn’t safe? Are you sure you’re in danger of getting hurt if they speak, listen, have contact with you?

Yes! I need to be careful!

Suddenly I remember being on summer break at my grandparents house between fifth and sixth grade. Reunited with my best summer friend, who I hadn’t seen since the previous year.

She is now very interested in boys. She has a boyfriend. She wants us to sneak out of the house together on the hot summer night and go to a party.

I’ve never even thought about boys before. We’re eleven. I have no brothers. I’ve hardly talked with boys. It never occurred to me.

I follow her to the party in the dark hot summer night. I don’t like this idea. I’m paired with a boy and apparently everyone is supposed to “make out”.

I’m frozen. I have the thought that I’m grossed out, and then also the thought that I myself shouldn’t say anything out loud to the boy, my friend, to anyone.

In that situation, as it rises in vivid color memory…who would I be without the thought that it was terrible, that everyone was wrong, and my friend and the boys were disgusting…or that they were not safe?

I would notice that this situation was above and beyond my preference zone. I would say “I’m going home now” and leave, rather happily.

I probably would have said to my friend before we even left her house “Party? Uh, no thanks, I’m going to sleep now.”

I would save about three hours of sick anxiety caught between terror and waiting for the whole thing to be over.

Maybe I’d be curious…what on earth are these humans doing anyway?  And also notice I am not very interested, and very clear that this is not the time and place for me, yet.

Often, right under the surface of investigating who you would be without a thought, there are other powerful thoughts and beliefs that deserve exploration.

Who was not safe in that situation?

That was me. I wasn’t safe for myself. I didn’t talk. I didn’t say no. I was believing that I couldn’t rock the boat, leave, speak up, voice an opinion, or express my preferences without being in danger.

I return to my review of the current situation with the man who I was judging.

I take a look at him again, in my mind.

I notice I’m not exactly drawn to him and his words in that moment….but I am entirely safe.

He doesn’t have to change for me to be happy. I’m glad he is enjoying himself, having an exciting life.

I discover that the person who is not safe, as I am overhearing the language, the explicit sexual description, the terminology…is ME.

Without the thought that I don’t ever want to hear that kind of talk, I burst out laughing. I picture myself giving that man a light punch and saying something like “Can you take this conversation outside?”

I relax with the words and meanings I heard, and find there is a place for them and a part of life with them, and that one of my favorite topics of all time has been learning, understanding and knowing about human sexuality and what works and what doesn’t work for me personally.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie

In fact, after I overheard that conversation, I asked someone close what one term was that I had no idea what it meant or what it was (yes, at age 52) and learned a new thing about sexual conduct in some humans.

And I also noticed, I wasn’t really that interested.

“When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently. Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world. Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities. So then, something does change.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

P.S. If you experience a lot of beliefs around sexuality, then join us in October for the next 8 week teleclass with exercises created to look at worst case scenarios and other stressful situations with inquiry.

Also, the One Year Program is a wonderful way to examine every stressful situation that appears in your world in your present life, and with partnership and support to question them using The Work.

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Have To, Must, Never, Always and Other Lies

Not long ago I was working with a lovely man concerned with his computer addiction.

“I have to quit” he said. “Hours and hours go by with me staring at the screen, bouncing from site to site”.

I remembered other inquirers looking at their internet use, signing up for porn sites either for free or paying for subscriptions, movies, you tube, vines, vlogs, blogs, research, reading articles, email, facebook, linked in, pinterest, google plus.

Uh…watching “non-dual” speakers (there are hundreds) talk about the nature of reality. Heh heh.

I remember another person I once knew when he first introduced himself to me talking about his sobriety and how he never, never, ever, ever, never would ever take a drink again and could never, ever be with people who drank alcohol.

He was drunk a couple of weeks later.

Pronouncements that are full of across-the-board this-is-it FOREVER often have a bit of an extreme edge.

They are infused with force. At least when I have uttered these kinds of statements and there’s a kind of push….then I feel angry, discouraged, defiant, terrified, violent.

Not exactly kind, easy-going, or peaceful.

A very common cry in the addictive cycle is to say words like “I have to” or “I will never” or “I will always”.

There you are, reaching for the big yummy container of ice cream, filled with craving. Or reaching for your cigarettes and lighter. Or thinking about that beer. Or feeling a need to check your emails. Or deciding to watch videos.

In that very moment, what do you want? If you engage in the behavior, did you get what you want?

I used to want to let my anger out. To talk to people and tell the damn truth for once.

But instead, I would then think “I can’t tell the truth, that won’t help, I’ll be rejected, my anger is too strong, I am too needy, I want to be a nice person but I don’t feel nice, I’m too critical, I’ll settle for over-eating instead.”

That all happened in about 2/10ths of a second.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, don’t tell the truth, don’t be REAL. Worse things will happen.

You’ll be rejected, obliterated, annihilated, lonely, alone, dead, insane, you’ll hurt other people…it will be bad.

Seriously. Go for the behavior instead. Change channels. Shut the craving down.

It seemed like my best choice at the time, based on what I believed, to eat alone, instead of truly expose myself.

Who would you be without the thought that at your core, without the addictive behavior to “help” manage your feelings or cover up your unhappiness, you are rotten and unlovable (when you’re upset)?

What if you realize that yes, when you touch a hot stove it burns, but you don’t need to throw the stove out of the house or stay away from stoves for the rest of your life?

What if you could relax when you have a strong urge or craving, and be curious?

What if your want, desire, urge, reaching, grasping is just a part of you, and a part of this big interesting invitation to see what is really, honestly true for you in that moment?

Are you SURE you wanna do that thing you think you wanna do?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. ~ Thomas Merton 

Are you SURE you DON’T want to do it? Are you SURE you want to stop?

Ah, there’s a question. Because for me, the answer was obviously “no”. Because I didn’t.

What if I wasn’t so against and resistant to this terrible craving, so filled with fury, wanting to control it, anger, extreme thinking, emptiness?

Who would I be without the thought that I MUST stop, I have to, I can never, I must be vigilant, I should always….

Wow. Relieved. Fascinated. So much more energy. Connected. Wondering. Open. Possibility.

Free.

Could this craving be a gift?

I now look back and see….yes, yes, yes.

“Resist your temptation to lie by speaking of separation from God, otherwise we may have to medicate You. In the ocean a lot goes on beneath your eyes. Listen, they have clinics there too for the insane who persist in saying things like: ‘I am independent from the Sea, God is not always around gently pressing against my body.’ ” ~ Hafiz

Instead of shutting yourself down, medicating yourself with shame or unhappiness at your own behaviors, or lying about what an unreliable, grabby, addicted person you are….consider instead the turnaround to be true.

In that moment of desire, urgency, reaching…could there be something more satisfying, more thrilling, more wonderful, bigger, deeper, more beautiful than you’re aware of?

What if you are aware, you’re just pretending that you’re not? What if that’s the moment you’ve been waiting for….connection to All This?

What if you can handle the fire?

If I can, you can too.

The One Year Program is devoted to staying in inquiry, when you apparently think it might be easier to believe your lies. Join us.

Love, Grace

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The Work Stops World War Z

This past weekend, I was facilitating my Saturday morning dance and dripping with sweat and bursting with inspiration, as usual, and I decided to do a few cartwheels.

A few cartwheels is not a big deal for me, I did them non-stop from age 10 through 16 and then often beyond that, so they are kind of part of my natural movement.

But then I felt myself pretending I was on the gymnastics mat from almost forty years ago (astonishing, as it seemed like yesterday) and go for a round-off.

Suddenly I was back in my memories and living them out right in that moment….the run, the build-up, the intention to go hard, fast, and push off the floor and fly into that awesome movement of palms down to the floor, body flipping upside down and over, feet landing with a great spring and jump….

….and as I soared through the air, in my fantasies and in real life…..I felt a searing pain jab through my entire right leg from upper hip, shooting down into my knee and even my foot.

I did not fall, but it felt like my right hip was ripped out of the socket (that could be a little dramatic).

Thirty seconds later I was talking to myself “Yeah, that’s right. Walk it out. Keep moving, don’t sit down”.

I couldn’t have sat if I wanted to, there was such a huge pain in my right butt cheek.

I felt nauseated.

And then, I felt scared. And defiant. Like…OK that happened and NOW it is going AWAY.

Right? Universe? Hello?

In that moment of pain, and then the moments that followed, the mind kicked in with commentary about the situation.

  • Should I go to urgent care? But I’m still walking.
  • I need to know what happened, I need an assessment of the damage.
  • I’m an idiot.
  • Don’t let anyone see that you just did this to yourself
  • I am aging, just like everyone else. I can’t do gymnastics anymore (and this is terrible).
  • That was stupid.
  • Now I’ll miss: birthday party, bike ride, work, driving, doing whatever I want, accomplishing things around the house, writing (can’t sit up)
  • I can’t stand lying flat all day long, this is boring
  • I should welcome this opportunity like a meditation retreat
  • boy howdy, I’m not putting up with my no-dairy diet today! forget it!

Alarm bells! Panic Button! World War Z!

On the way home, wincing a bit and furrowing my brow, I could see my mind panic with visions of my end of life, no more dancing, sitting all crinkled up in a chair at age 100, suffering, remembering my life in gymnastics all those years ago.

Sad, upsetting, life-is-rough-then-you-die, down with pain, the beginning of the end, its over!

Thank goodness, as I took some turns into zombie-belief-land, turns out I had made a date to trade sessions in The Work with a very dear facilitator.

I wrote down my judgments on my hip, and all the ways it should change.

The most important being….it should not have gotten hurt. That simply shouldn’t have happened.

I watched my mind have a hissy fit. I made coffee and put half and half in it, even though I’ve been consuming no dairy for a few weeks. I felt sour.

I texted the two most top-level athlete friends I know and asked them for advice. One said something about tears and operations to reconnect ligaments.

I didn’t like this situation.

Stop. Is that true?

Even with the mind strategizing all the ways to heal quickly, prevent it from every happening again, and chide me for being stupid….can I really know that this SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Because it actually did happen. So arguing with reality is a bit, ummm, presumptuous.

“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I know that?” ~ Byron Katie

WITH the thought that this event shouldn’t have happened, and I should not be hurt, I am entirely focused on the hurt. The worry. Imagining my days ahead. Sorry for myself. Angry with myself.

WITH the thought that this shouldn’t have happened…cream in my coffee suddenly becomes necessary. I need things to taste good.

Stop again. Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that this should not have happened?

Such a bizarre and foreign question. The mind normally races off, so dang positive its right about getting hurt.

But what an incredible question to contemplate. What if I really did not believe that this was BAD BAD BAD? What would that be like? Who would I be then?

It’s an adventure. Everything I thought I was doing is cancelled. Open territory.

I’m right up into the deep questions of the cosmos. Not caught up in the to-do list and busy.

Everything stops.

I enter the opposite field, where all is well. I am studying this experience, instead of raging a war with it.

  • I lie down and take ibuprofen medicine
  • I don’t need to know what happened, or become a doctor and understand the entire gamut of possibilities and hip anatomy
  • I’m a normal human being, not a zombie OR special
  • I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of
  • I am aging, just like everyone else, halleluia. What a fascinating path.
  • do I really need to do round-offs to have a happy life?
  • That was brilliant!
  • Now I’ll gain: slowing down, staying home, watching a movie with my daughter, watching another movie with my husband, reading about Buddhist practice in business, doing nothing, having time to do The Work with my friend for 2.5 hours
  • I love lying flat all day long, this is exciting
  • this IS like a meditation retreat

I watched the advantages come alive about this situation, because I decided to look for them, not resist them.

Watching myself be human.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past.”~ Byron Katie

In the moment of the round-off pain did I love it? Well. My mind did not. It was doing its Emergency Management thing.

But I notice that now, a few days later, and after doing The Work, I am relaxed, quieter. Writing this sitting up.

Drinking a cup of tea with coconut milk.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re like me and you need support to stay in inquiry, connecting with other wonderful humans all of whom are interested in remembering to question their thinking….then come join either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass. Both meet on Thursdays.

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Obi-Wan Ken-YOU-Be, You’re Your Only Hope!

Even though I saw Star Wars when it first came out, all those years ago, and even though I’ve never seen it again, I still remember many fantastic scenes.

One of my favorite was the video message of Princess Leah saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

She’s strong, proud, and powerful.

It seemed in the story, to me, that perhaps….just maybe….good things were coming to the princess.

She was sending out a request, but who knows, maybe there was Other Hope alive there as well.

The adventure! It was ON!

The other day I was working with a young woman who feels entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate.

She feels good about her fun career, her capacity to earn money, her opportunities for adventure, the closeness of friends.

But darn it, that ideal relationship is elusive.

Many people consider parts of their lives like miserable failures, or disappointments.

This is an interesting exercise in questioning your thinking….to really examine that place where you feel like a dolt, like you’ve made mistakes.

Like you just don’t measure up compared to others. Maybe you’re mediocre when you hoped to rock the house.

You had dreams….but….YAWN.

Maybe you’ve completely blown it.

Take a moment right now and consider where in your life you have beenunsuccessful.

Have you been unsuccessful, or less than brilliant, in your career? In making money? In being free from addiction? In being normal weight? In finding that fabulous beloved partner? In finishing that creative project? In becoming enlightened?

Now…let’s do The Work on this idea, that you are Less Than Genius when it comes to this subject.

You know what Brilliance looks like, what Success looks like.

It’s over there…that person is successful in this area. Not me.

First of all, get really quiet and answer this question: Is it true that you are not successful in this most important, wonderful, significant area for you?

Are you sure you are not successful?

Yes Yes Yes! I know what my life would look like if I were successful! NOT LIKE THIS.

I’m a loser in this area. (I’m even a loser for thinking so self-critically, I should love myself, right?)

Hold it.

Slow it down and see, if it was only you who can give the Final Answer. (I can hear the game show host from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and his voice saying IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?)

Is it true that you are unsuccessful in this arena you’re thinking about?

Yes or No are both fine. Just watch which one is actually true for you, it’s quite fascinating.

And now, next question….

…How do you react when you believe the thought that you are unsuccessful at “x”? What happens in that moment?

I used to feel so low, like the scum of the earth. A kind of heavy, flat weight, pulling me down to horizontal.

Acute depression. Bitter vicious stream of thought, calling myself names.

I ate food, lots of it, when I wasn’t hungry.

Then I’d feel worse. And numbly forget all about the original lack of success.

I wouldn’t even try to go succeed at whatever “x” was (for me it was having a fun, interesting job, earning money, connecting with others honestly, being real, saying “no”, finishing my book, sending my writing to publishers).

Why bother trying to change?

Look at all this evidence for my failure…..I had proof based on stories of the past.

I didn’t have The Work back then…but fortunately I had people in my life who were deeply encouraging, who reminded me of what I actually knew was really the truth….

….that I was successful in these areas.

Wait. What?

But. I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have a retirement account! I’m twenty pounds overweight! I binge eat! I need a job!

Yes, you read that correctly.

Who would you be if instead of thinking you are unsuccessful in this topic, that you are SUCCESSFUL.

Full of success. Capable, brilliant, sparkling, learning, growing, undefined, making course corrections, compassionate, kind to yourself, understanding, loving, waking up.

I notice that in every moment I’ve lived, I was always doing the best I could.

The critical mind tends to come in and quickly say “no you weren’t…you knew better…you should have done blah blah blah…”

But let yourself find examples of what you’ve learned, how you’ve been successful, how losing taught you something perhaps, how that intense experience supported you.

Even if you are a single person (and some part of you imagines it would be better to be in a relationship) see how you have been successful with who you are, with your experience.

How has it been of advantage to go slow, spend time alone, work extremely hard, be abandoned by that lover, not earn much money, not become a guru, be overweight, get sick, use drugs or alcohol?

Maybe when you stop riding yourself for your faults, you may find that the honest truth is that you’re peaceful with where you are in this moment with that apparently unsuccessful topic.

For me? I am so grateful for my under-earning, low, depressive, addictive, emotional reaction to life….

….because it all was a big fat wake up call.

It put me on this trajectory (the client said the same thing).

A humble learner. Someone going beyond their family traditions. Someone entering uncharted territory.

Someone living with the possibility of being joyful with What Is.

Maybe the entire way your life has gone is exactly the perfect path you’ve needed to find your freedom.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have a hard time finding the advantages for past “failures”, or your current status, or your lack of freedom, or your not-quite-there yet….

….sit down and do The Work.

If it’s really hard, and you can’t imagine being your own only hope, you can join the upcoming two classes that start in September and get yourself some support to stay in inquiry: either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program is filling: choose to join the teleclass, the teleclass plus solo sessions, or the teleclass/solo sessions AND in-person retreats. You may want to decide soon! Write with questions: grace@workwithgrace.com

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When Your Job Doesn’t Feel Like A Vacation

It is incredible to see how many people think about jobs, work, and activity that brings in money as a trap.

One big prison sentence of having to figure out what to do to earn money, find a job, and then trade services, time and energy for pay.

You give them your time, effort, expertise…and you don’t get to live your life freely! You can’t do what you want to do!

You’re workin’ for THE MAN! (Clenched fist).

Not long ago a man I was facilitating in The Work around his small business was talking about the 99% (the slogan used in the US addressing the disparity between the ultra rich 1% and then everyone else).

He was talking about how so many people are ripped off, never can get ahead.

He said he noticed how most people are part of the rat race and he said how sad that so many people hate their jobs.

It reminded me of myself and my past view of work and business, that I was FORCED by society to make an income, that I HAD to have a job.

I once had the same attitude about work, corporations, paychecks, that “they” are controlling my vacation time, and sick leave and the whole shebang.

When I had one job, around age 24 (my first after college) I dreamed about being somewhere better, of not having to go to work Monday through Friday.

I complained internally about HAVING to DRIVE to work when I’d rather STAY HOME. So many things to do, read, learn…..and work was a big interruption.

I did not have The Work back then, a way to practice personal self-inquiry with clarity.

Thank goodness I still found so much that I actually liked about that job. I met friends there, for example, who became friends for my entire life….really deep wonderful friendships.

But having a global attitude towards work and jobs spelling trouble, of jobs being “hard” or unsatisfying, can really leave a person stuck.

I remember a moment in my distant past where I was on my way to my office job in the big huge city I lived in, frustrated that I “had” to go.

It’s helpful to see what was really wrong with having to go, what I believed I was missing, what was most annoying.

  • its better if you get to do whatever you want all day long
  • having a schedule is a burden
  • I want to be doing “x” instead (watching movies, playing music, reading, sleeping, hanging out with my children)
  • my job is boring
  • I can’t quit this job because I need the money
  • its too hard to find another job
  • there’s no time for creativity, fun, joy in my day
  • they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds)

My perception of work in so many ways was that it was an imposition. 

The concept my client questioned was part of that field: I would rather be on vacation. 

It seemed really true.

Vacation vs working on the business non-stop day and night? Duh! Of course that’s true!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you want to change the channel, get out of this supposed “non-stop” experience of working, and be on vacation, whatever that actually IS?

Is vacating really such a draw? (I personally find sitting on a beach with a cold drink interesting for about 30 minutes).

As I facilitated this thoughtful client through his frustration with trying to run a little business, he discovered that often, he knew what it was like to live without the thought “I would rather be on vacation”. 

He only had that thought when he felt exhausted, tense, unable to let go of the outcome of his day.

Without the thought that he’d rather be somewhere else relaxing, he relaxed. He slowed down.

He noticed that he actually had a big and rather puzzling project in front of him: how to become successful, how to make the money flow more easily, how to serve more people, how to have fun while doing it all, how to love his work life.

He LIKED that project, even though sometimes he felt frustrated with it because he had to learn so much that was new.

The full turnaround opposite to the thought is “I would rather be here, doing this work, having my day, being myself, creating, building, generating”.  

I love finding examples of this turnaround for myself, sitting with them, feeling them, imagining them to be as true as the original stressful beliefs:

  • I am doing what I want, I feel passion, joy and focus in my business, I have purpose, excitement
  • having a schedule is huge freedom, I don’t have to think about it, I’m in service
  • Every single thing I think I’m missing, I already do: watch movies, play music, read, sleep, hang out with my children, rest
  • my job is very exciting, my job is being me, wherever I am
  • I don’t need money to have a happy life, I don’t need a vacation to have a happy life
  • its very easy to find new work, job, ideas
  • there’s great possibility for finding creativity, fun, joy in my day
  • they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds) and I’m so grateful!

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~ Byron Katie

What if I can find happiness in whatever my status, job, position, work environment?

Wherever I am, whatever I do, whatever is going on?

“Use that opportunity of a diminished sense of self-worth and self-image, and step beyond. Then, perhaps, you’ll find a job – but your sense of worth no longer depends on what you do there, or what you don’t do, or achieve or don’t achieve. You will find some transcendence, and you can bring that transcendence into your next job. The clinging to mental images is not there anymore. You’ll be surprised how well you’ll do, in your next job, when the clinging to images isn’t there anymore.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If you have thoughts about being unfulfilled, or wanting more vacation, question your thinking.

You may find fulfillment right here, right now.

And all you ever wanted in a vacation.

Love, Grace

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Feeling Like A Victim Is Suffering In Paradise

A few weeks ago I read about someone who was falsely accused of using sexual favors to grow her consulting business by a competitor.

Ouch.

The part that impressed me the most was that this woman (the incident happened over two decades ago) had the wisdom at the time to slow down and question her thinking.

She knew revenge, rage, fear, self-criticism or being against the situation somehow did not feel entirely right.

Most of us know this.

We can feel that when we’re thinking that person is a mean, vile, nasty, personality-disordered, vicious liar….

….our bodies are filled with stress, unhappiness, terror and sadness.

When we’re sure that if they hadn’t done what they did, that we’d be better off, then we’re the victim in the situation.

There’s no end to suffering when you are positive you were the victim.

This doesn’t mean to suppress and shut down our feelings. They rise up. It’s the opposite really. They are showing us what we believe about the situation.

The troubling feelings are the lighthouse signal that says “Hey there…watch out…there are big rocks over here and if you keep moving in this stress-filled direction, you might get grounded.”

If you do get grounded, it’s not the end of the world, of course. But you may have to rebuild your ship.

But how do you stop feeling like a victim?

First. Wait. Don’t do anything.

(If someone is shooting at you, you probably won’t even think about it—you’ll run. I’m talking about when the dust is settled).

Then sit down with a pen and paper. Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the worksheet that captures your most painful beliefs about the situation as you look back on it.

The amazing thing about this worksheet, such a huge relief, is that you are petty, horrible, judgmental, critical, condemning right there on paper.

Say it all, say all the childish victim-y things that come to mind.

This gives them a chance to come out of you, onto the paper. Write for as long as you want. Be furious with your pen.

Then pick just one of the concepts you believe about this situation, this person, this wrongful attack, this person who is responsible for YOU being a VICTIM.

Who would you be without the thought that some person in the world has done you wrong?

Without the belief that they have made a mistake about you?

Wow, really?

But they did make a mistake! They are wrong! They should pay! It’s not fair!

Are you open to trying out the question?……Who would you be WITHOUT the belief that you are a victim in this situation?

It’s just a question.

I have found it’s a very exciting, very powerful, broad, expansive question.

And if you give yourself even a tiny drop of allowing yourself to imagine who you would be, you may begin to notice what freedom is.

At least, that’s what happened to that woman who I read about, in her difficult situation. And I’ve had the same experience myself.

When I began to just a teensy-weensy-teensy bit imagine the idea that I was not personally wronged or attacked…I notice a thrill of excitement that I did not imagine would appear.

What if that person was helping you, guiding you in a way, towards a broader, bigger, more loving and awakened life?

What if that person is showing you the direction to take? or NOT take?

I found that ultimately, the opposite was true when I thought someone hurt me…

….I actually hurt myself.

That person was helping me to see it.

That person was helping me to see how strong, capable, centered, and honest I could become.

That person showed me where I might have spoken up earlier, been kinder, been more conscious.

If you can’t see what good came out of that experience for you, even being WILLING to seeing something will bring you curiosity that you may notice is kind of exciting!

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ~ Pema Chodron

What I see now, with my own personal inquiry, is how that person helped me stand on the ground of forgiveness with a rebuilt ship, and sail out into the wide blue ocean of brand new things being entirely possible.

Yes, that person assisted in my personal awakening.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have anyone who mildly or acutely feels disturbing in your life, past or present, and if you’d like help in slowing down and investigating for yourself…consider joining the upcoming 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starting Sept. 13th.

On the same day, in the afternoon, our One Year Group begins…if you’re ready to go long and deep, if perhaps you’re rebuilding your entire ship.

Love, Grace

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Those Upsetting People Should Stop

Yesterday the current One Year group resumed our telecalls (we always meet three times per month).

We are in our third month together, and we change topics each month, for the whole year.

(By the way, this is so successful that a second one-year group will begin Thursday, Sept 13, 5:15 pm Pacific). Click here to read about it.

This month, we’re looking at Those People who…..ARGG….

….the ones who bug us, who are dangerous, who should change, often lumped in as a group to a “type” of person.

In the past I’ve noticed my mind judging whole cultures, countries, caricatures, neighborhoods.

Those Americans, those drunks, those starlets, those Nazis, those construction workers, those corporations, those rich people, those narcissists, those prejudiced people, those New Age Non-Dualists (tee hee, had to throw that one in)…

…you get the idea.

Then, as you consider that collection of human “types” and the energy around any one of them, situations come to mind where you personally were involved with someone from that group and you felt uncomfortable, or you heard about it.

I never met Anne Frank or any Nazi, for example, but the image of those terrible soldiers was in my mind vividly when I read Anne’s famous and incredible autobiography when I was 14.

From this vision, I answer all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I think about the most stressful moment, the most annoying, difficult, bothersome piece, and write my judgments about that one situation.

Today it was so moving to hear of peoples’ anger, rage, fury, irritation, sadness or jealousy about Those Other People.

Teenagers with boom boxes, parents who don’t control their children, complainers, avoiders, arrogant people, even beautiful parents with easy lives, intolerant people, or just bad music.

We all laughed together as we exposed our judgments, fears, and our strong belief that “I need that person/people to STOP”.

Can I really know that my life would be better, easier, happier if that person quit doing what they did?

Am I sure that the noise should stop, the words, the behavior, the sound, the questions, the complaints….is it true that it needs to stop for me to be comfortable, content, or peaceful?

I notice when I believe that someone needs to be shut down, or I need to get something from someone, or even, I need to be more like those people….

….I don’t feel peaceful. I feel conflicted, confused, upset.

I might even feel like I HATE them.

Who would I be without the thought that I need them to stop it?

As we all sat with this question in group inquiry, feeling the sensations in the body without the thought that they should stop, looking at those people doing what they are doing, hearing the sound that was so objectionable….

…many people noticed the body becoming open, warm, full of energy, even full of acceptance, love, compassion for those people.

Turning the thought around we all burst into laughter as we found “I need those people to keep doing what they do, I don’t need them to stop, I need me to stop; I need me to stop ruminating, concentrating, focusing and being so at war with them, or even with ME.” 

What if I actually moved towards those people, rather than away from them?

What if I turned and faced them, rather than resisted them?

“Let go an open to your world. Realize that trying to protect your territory, trying to keep your territory enclosed and safe, is fraught with misery and suffering. It keeps you in a very small, dank, smelly, introverted world that gets more and more claustrophobic and more and more misery-producing as you get older.” ~ Pema Chodron

Living the turnaround for me doesn’t mean I have to move in with the Nazis, or enter arenas where I know not to go….

….but I might find something beautiful as I allow them to be as they are.

I might find gratitude for what is present, now.

“No one has to question their thoughts. It can be very difficult to get that still. But it’s even more difficult NOT to get that still, and answer these questions. It is the way out of hell. We’re not used to that. It can be very uncomfortable, just the idea of being happy.” ~ Byron Katie 

The next One Year Group starts on Thursdays, Sept 13, 5:15-6:45 pm. You can choose to enroll in the telecalls only, or add 4 solo sessions and/or the two in-person weekend retreats in Seattle (these will be so much fun, and powerful). We meet until August 2014.

I Like This Restaurant
“Doing the work over the years without training or knowing anybody actually doing the work, (I found people willing to talk about the work but none willing to put it on paper), I craved association with others actually doing the work. In taking this class and associating with you all is even more satisfying than I had anticipated. I so enjoy spending time with anybody willing to question their thoughts, willing to face the discomfort that comes with believing that thought and then move into joy. Very real, I like this restaurant and want to come back again & again.” S, Year Of Inquiry Group  

Come enjoy the intimate, caring experience of making a year of appointments with Self-Inquiry….a small group (limited to 14) to hear you and support your work, and the power of noticing what is Real and what is not.

Love, Grace

 

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Thank you, Relationship With Food

Most of you know that I consider one of my first difficult relationships the one I developed with food and eating.

It came in as a distinct relationship around adolescence, the usual time young people are becoming interested in adulthood, attraction to others, sexuality, greater responsibility.

I was afraid of the universe. Things did NOT look all that safe to me.

But from that time forward, I can honestly say that I never, ever stayed happily, openly, easily, freely on any kind of a food plan or diet.

I would decide on a late afternoon one day, “tomorrow, I am going to quit consuming Evil Sugar in all forms” and by 9:30 am the next morning I would decide “nevermind, I am going to eat whatever the hell I want”.

I gave up going on food plans or diets pretty early in my troubled eating experience. It was extremely painful to fail, when I already felt like a big failure around food and eating.

Well, recently, after hearing about it for a few years, I came to the conclusion that for three weeks, it was a pretty darn good idea for me to make some changes in my diet.

Which means, not eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.

This is honestly the first time I can remember doing this in my life since my relationship to food stopped being a violent war zone, 25 years ago.

If I’ve done some kind of food plan or been under medical guidance to not eat something, I can’t remember it, so it didn’t make a big impact.

My story has continued to be, I will eat whatever, whenever, however, whichever I want.

Sort of rebellious, I must confess.

But also, a great exploration in experimenting, learning to not be afraid of particular foods I had been told were evil (like candy), finding out for myself what actually worked for me and what didn’t.

I was so deeply committed to seeing things without a moral evaluation attached.

When I was young, people actually would say, when they ate certain foods, that it was naughty, sneaky, cheating, or bad.

Like there was some kind of dark, seductive, haunting, terrible force in that food…like the DEVIL.

But recently, all these years later….there I was actually reading about food chemistry, calories, agents, molecules, all because I thought I’d do some research on some symptoms I was having…

….and I wound up cutting out a bunch of types of food from my normal daily diet.

Just a temporary experiment, allowing myself to see what is actually true for this particular body.

Here’s the funny part I wanted to share with you all: the day after I decided it sounded interesting to do this….an old voice called me on the inner-mind telephone.

“Uh, Grace….remember me? I’m the rebellious teenager who will not be denied here. You are skating on thin ice. Do you want to fail? Are you sure you want to cut out those yummy foods you eat EVERY DAY? This is a little too much focus on food, don’t you think?”

It crossed my mind to drop the whole thing. After maybe 15 hours, 8 of which I was asleep.

Almost immediately, I recognized the fear in that voice, the one who thinks it will be deprived, starving, frightened, restricted, controlled, bossed around, and abused.

Long ago, my restriction of food, and then the huge binge-eating episodes, was like the Dictator in the Concentration Camp withholding food in a war with a Raging Urge to Stay Alive.

Back then, it was outright war, and no solution. Everyone lost, all the time.

No happiness or joy in any of those extreme swings.

I felt great compassion for that old self, so terrified as it once was.

And I saw the idea floating up to be questioned “I can’t handle this, I will be deprived, this will hurt, I won’t get what I want, too scary, too hard.”

Is that true?

Can I really absolutely know for sure that eliminating these foods and doing an experiment of eating other things instead will be too hard, that I’ll be deprived or scared or angry or hungry?

No. I can’t know that for sure.

In fact, the whole point is to see if the opposite is true. Jeez.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without the belief that switching around what I am eating in this time/space reality is gonna be difficult, in any way?

Totally excited to play this game. Noticing the fun of learning. Noticing how easy it is to say “no” and then say “yes” and take care of this body the best I know how to, for today.

Turning that impulse around that believes this food experience could mean deprivation, I find these words coming alive: “I can handle this, I will be satisfied, I am satisfied right now, this will heal, I will get what I want, this isn’t scary, this is easy, this is actually fun.”

 “Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the Guru.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Even a little idea about changing the way we eat….which may be a bigger idea than we think….is our teacher.

For me, one of the greatest teachers, a holy representation of my belief about life.

Thank you, Relationship With Food.

Love, Grace

P.S. Weekend intensive on Food and Eating in Seattle December 14-15, 2013. Click HERE for brief description—more on this coming soon.

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The Rules For Best Relationships – Are They True?

Over the weekend in a workshop of absolutely delightful people who came to do The Work together for an afternoon, a question came up that I’ve been asked before:

What if I want to keep my belief? What if I like my belief?

I like how Byron Katie suggests that you don’t need to question beliefs that you love, that you enjoy, that bring you happiness.

They’re working for you, so leave them alone, right?

(And they’ll all probably fall away eventually).

The Work doesn’t even have a step that asks you to drop a belief…..all it asks you is to identify the belief you’ve got when you’re upset, and then examine whether or not its really true for you, and what it might be like without it.

It takes great sleuthing, though, to understand the protests that the mind will make about giving up a belief.

These protests, fears, worries about giving up beliefs can rise up clearly when you are asked that famous fourth question in the process of The Work:

Who would you be without that thought?

Who would you be if you couldn’t even think that thought in that situation you’re in that you find troubling?

If your answer is: I would be lost, unhappy, enraged, terrified, lonely, confused….or any number of stressful feelings…

….then you may have found a goldmine for investigating your idea of how the world should look, and where you are against Reality.

For example.

When my former husband had left and I was sitting in my little cottage all alone, desperately missing my old life and my children (who were with him) I wrote down the thought: it is best when people get married if they stay together their entire lives.

I grew up with this belief. I learned it from everyone around me.

It seemed obviously true. I had hardly questioned this thought.

I still believed it, in that moment sitting on my couch full of such sadness that my vision of marriage was broken into bits.

With the thought, I cried, I raved and ranted. I went from panic, to fury, to grief.

It felt like my world was coming to an end. I was not going to have the happy ending I had imagined in marriage, where two people are by each other’s side, both with gray hair and wrinkled skin.

But I knew that while I held that vision of the “best” case scenario in my head, then when things did NOT appear as this scenario…I was frightened.

I wasn’t even sure what I was actually frightened of, oddly enough. I just felt terrified, abandoned, wrong, unlucky and miserable.

As I sat with the vision, I realized that the list of rules about “good” relationships was quite long.

And relationships like this list were very rare.

And very conditional. As in NOT unconditional.

The conditions being, it had to be this way, or else THUMBS DOWN.

  • Both people should want to stay with each other until death
  • Both people should be attracted to each other exclusively forever
  • Both people should not be attracted to anyone else
  • Both people should share the same dreams of the future
  • Both people should care for each other in times of lack of health, lack of money, loss, or distress
  • Both people should support and love the other one’s family of origin, friends, community
  • Both people should think, care about and consider the other in everything they do.

This may be a lovely picture of truth for some relationships.

The problem is, when it doesn’t go this way, but you think they should.

There I was, all alone, and feeling great pain. I knew to do The Work.

Is it true, I asked myself, that people should stay together their entire lives when they become committed to eachother? Is it true that this is the BEST way?

Yikes, no idea.

It appears that many people do not have this “ideal” long-term stay-together experience.

In fact, most people do not, come to think of it.

Oh.

What’s the reality?

It appears that a whole lot of the time it’s people coming and going in relationship, changing partners, not remaining together for life, unexpected things happening, goodbyes, hellos, mystery.

So, no, it is not true that marriage, or commitment, and remaining together is The Best Way.

And who would I be without the thought that The List (of Good Relationships Are) is the best way?

I would be open to all ways being interesting, loving, beautiful.

In that moment on my couch, I would notice right there in that present situation that the silence was magical, that I wanted more time to myself and now I had it.

When I turned around the thought to look at the opposite, it was “This way is the best way for a relationship to go, for me.”

I could find out why my relationship life did NOT match the one on that old list.

I could find out why it was better for me, for other people, and for the world that my life did not look like the one on that list, when it came to relationships.

Today, I have more confidence, independence, esteem for my ability to understand and earn money, more passion, adventure, willingness to try new things, more friends, more love for myself, more freedom than I ever, ever once had.

These amazing qualities came out of the fire of burning in a relationship ending.

Now, I am willing to enter into fire….that’s the difference in my life.

I see the way the phoenix can rise up.

“If you are a friend of God, fire is your water. You should wish to have a hundred thousand sets of moth wings, so you could burn them away, one set a night. The moth sees light and goes into fire. You should see fire and go toward light…” ~ Rumi

Anyone can do this.

You can dissolve what you believe are the rules of Good Relationships, and you may feel uncomfortable, ungrounded, like you are entering unknown territory.

But you will get used to it.

Freedom is so sweet, you will see the value of questioning your thoughts about relationships that hurt.

You can keep the good ones, if they are working for you, and keep doing The Work.

“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.” ~ Nisargadatta

If you’re ready to take a deeper look with the support of a group, then the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts Sept 13 on Thursday mornings 8 – 9:30 am. Join us! Click here to read about it or register.

Love, Grace

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Being Responsible Doesn’t Have To Be Scary

Yesterday afternoon I noticed little a little flutter in my torso as I thought about hosting a 4 hour retreat, something I’ve done many times before now.

I’ll never forget one of the first retreats I ran. After I had greeted a few of the first guests, ready for an all-day intensive learning and doing The Work, I happened to step in to my bedroom to get a pen.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw two humongous, and I mean HUGE wet circles of sweat spanning out from my underarms, darkening my shirt.

I gasped, and immediately changed my top.

Getting ready to be the facilitator for something, or start a new class, to take the role of leader or point person or teacher…can, shall we say, heighten personal energy.

OK, we can call it nervousness, anxiousness, anticipation.

For some people, just raising their hand in a group to speak is terrifying!

Sometimes I’ve had the oddest experience of adrenaline zapping through me when overall, I felt as if all was incredibly well.

Like, right when I get the impulse to raise my hand and ask a question in front of 500 people.

Other times, sharing, speaking, or singing in front of a big crowd is like laughing with a small group of friends, so simple.

But one thing I have discovered is that being responsible for the FUTURE is part of the requirement for nervous anxiety:

  • I hope the event will go beautifully
  • I want everyone to learn, receive, gain something, like it
  • They should enjoy themselves, have a powerful experience
  • I should make a difference, I should make an impact
  • But I shouldn’t be too intense, I should be easy to approach
  • Everything needs to go well
  • Nothing bad or uncomfortable or difficult should happen
  • No one should feel disappointed
  • Everyone should feel pleased and happy when its over

As soon as I start to list out the stressful thoughts, even blow them up into proportions that are clearly too big for this situation, they all kind of seem…..

…..silly.

Well, CRAZY!

With this list going, the Comforting Voice might start chattering “no no, there’s nothing to worry about here, just do your best, be yourself, everything will go however it needs to go, all is well and you know it”….

The thing is, when that voice enters that’s trying to soothe the anxiety or tell you to stop worrying, it doesn’t always work.

Have you ever had a close friend, a spouse, or a parent tell you in the middle of feeling huge nervousness “QUIT WORRYING” ?

So the mental activity is there volleying back and forth between feeling nervous and responsible for EVERYTHING, and trying to calm down.

Remember, the mind is exceptionally dramatic.

A little passing example: Knowing I had this workshop to run, when my refrigerator stopped working for about an hour last night, inside my head I was ready to call the fire department.

I have a very good friend who is racing today in a long and grueling bike competition.

She texted me last night that she just wished the race was starting NOW, she couldn’t stand the waiting, she hated all the nervous tension in her stomach 24 hours before.

So…..we see what happens in the body, in the mind, when we’re believing that something really, really, really, really has to go well and that we are partly or entirely responsible for the outcome.

We’re nervous wrecks!

Who would we be without the thought that we’re responsible for things going well?

“It you mistreat an animal, it becomes afraid. This is what has happened to your psyche. You have mistreated it by giving it a responsibility that is incomprehensible. Just stop for a moment and see what you have given your mind to do. You said to your mind, ‘I want everyone to like me. I don’t want anyone to speak badly of me. I don’t want anything to happen that I don’t like. And I want everything to happen that I do like.’ And then you said, “Now, mind, figure out how to make every one of these things a reality, even if you have to think about it day and night.’ And of course your mind said ‘I’m on the job. I will work on it constantly.” ~ Michael Singer

Who would you be without a future that needed to be fabulous?

What if you are not responsible for a good, perfect, blissful outcome?

Even for your entire life?

Without the thought that I have to make it good for other people, and good for me, and good for the universe…..

….I am so free, it’s an amazing spark of the most alive peace, right here in the present moment.

Total relief.

I may picture the future, but it is with unknowing and joy and space, excitement, wonder.

Relaxation. Simpleness.

“I’m talking about not resisting, not grasping, not getting caught in hope and in fear, in good and in bad, but actually living completely.” ~ Pema Chodron

Right now I am noticing colors, tapping fingers on laptop, warm summer air, still body, breathing, happiness.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three classes starting in September: One Year of Inquiry begins September 13th 5:15 pm PT (3 telegroups per month), 8 week teleclass Relationship Hell To Heaven Sept 12th 8 – 9:30 am PT , AND 6 week teleclass Pain, Sickness and Death Sept 13th 10-11:30 am PT.