Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Mindful Stress Reduction Mini Retreat Seattle 8/13

Room for two people it turns out, tomorrow in Seattle, for a full, rich afternoon of self-inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie.

This is a mindful meditative way to question your stressful thinking.

Beginners to advanced all welcome. Anyone can do it.

If you’re a mental health professional, you can earn 4 Continuing Education Credits.

This is personal learning and practice, slowing moving through each step of The Work from start to finish.

We meet 1:30 – 5:30 in Goldilocks Cottage in Lake Forest Park (northeast Seattle).

Click Here to register or write to grace@workwithgrace.com with questions. You can also register at the door. $70 first timers/$55 repeaters.

Come join us!

Love, Grace

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Standing Where No One Else Can Stand For You

Being all alone arises as a very stressful thought for people at various times in life.

Here comes the thought “I am alone”.

I know this can be a fabulous feeling….alone at last! The whole house to myself! Quiet, meditation, sweetness.

But today I’m looking at the painful reaction to this thought.

(I love how Byron Katie says that The Work is for the stressful beliefs, not the happy ones….although once you begin self-inquiry….even those happy ones may start to fall away).

So when it’s sad, uncomfortable, frustrating, or full of anguish to be thinking “I am alone”, what’s the worst case scenario?

What’s wrong with being alone?

This is serious question!

I picture being on the tropical island in the Pacific, like in the movie Castaway, forever. No rescue or departure back to civilization at the end.

Or what about the Life of Pi story with no return to land.

Dying alone. No other humans around.

Or floating in outer space with nothing in sight. Nothing, for miles.

In the past several years, I have worked with many people who are absolutely sure they don’t like being alone.

They have no partner, no family, no job, or not enough friends.

I have also worked with people who are in relationships, but feel alone and critical of their partners.

Alone in a crowd, alone in the world.

People feel unloved, unsupported, abandoned, discarded.

There is something here called ME and it feels disconnected with the environment, separated.

There is too much contact, or too little contact. Whatever is happening is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Alarming. Depressing. Off.

There is a lot of fantasizing about the troubling things that could happen, from this state of too much aloneness or not enough aloneness.  Or fantasizing about wonderful things that could happen with more aloneness or less aloneness.

So bring on The Work.

In that dark, empty, alone moment that looks bleak, separate, frightening…or in that frustration of wanting to shut out others so you can finally be by yourself…

…who would you be without the belief that you are alone?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be MORE alone, or LESS alone, or you’ll go mad as a hatter?

In a huge crowd, walking down the street, talking with one friend, dancing, at a gathering of people, sitting in an audience, meditating all by yourself, eating food, driving your car, thinking, sleeping…who would you be without the belief that the state of being alone is hard, tough, or imperfect?

What if instead, you lived your life as the turnaround to the painful stance towards being alone….Joy? 

What if you felt the immensity of being alone without fear? Without the need to do anything about it, today?

What if you could live the belief “I am alone” and experience it as curious, wonderful, wild, exciting, adventurous, free?

“It is Love that leads us beyond all fear and into the solitude of our being. There we find our utter aloneness because we stand free of all the false comforts of illusion and find the capacity to stand where no one else can stand for us. We are alone not because we have isolated ourselves behind an emotional defense or false transcendence, but because we are no longer held captive by either the mind or fear.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

 

To comment on this Grace Note…click HERE!

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Be Simply Yourself, Saying No (Or Yes)

The experience of Not Enough of something can feel like being caught in a vice, squeezed so tight you can’t breathe.

Not enough money, not enough time, not enough happiness, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough enlightenment.

Today I was noticing my calendar fill to the brim, and I mean maximum back-to-back appointments, classes, workshops, administrative meetings, writing time, gym.

I thought “does everything REALLY have to be scheduled just to even remember to fit it in?!”

Apparently, yes.

I’ve forgotten to send invoices to clients and therefore not received payment for services, I’ve double-booked myself and had to quick reschedule people, I’ve missed a good friend’s birthday party, I’ve skipped stopping at the grocery store when I really did need to buy some groceries.

I’ve stayed up until midnight because I happened to notice that I’m being interviewed ON THE RADIO tomorrow and they needed a little written introduction that I had forgotten to put together.

(More about that after its recorded–you’ll be the first to know!)

But this is a tipping point we all sometimes experience, a period of time where I’m being invited to live differently in the midst of having a lot of requests for my time.

The thing is, I like saying Yes.

And I can’t say Yes to everything, it turns out.

Sigh.

In this very moment, with people texting, emailing, calling, leaving messages (I picture Wall Street with a crowd of people in suits yelling for an appointment) I have this moment to be still….even though there is activity, it seems.

“I could disappoint someone if I say No.”

Even my kids, my husband, or a close friend!

Is that actually true?

YES. I’ve seen it in their faces. I’ve heard them say “MOM….can’t we go to a movie sometime? You work a lot!”

And by the way….disappointing people is bad. It’s uncomfortable. They don’t like it. I immediately feel worried, my attention moves in their direction, it requires energy, I have to fix things, or else.

Really?

When I feel the burden of believing that saying “no” could disappoint someone, and that this disappointment is disturbing for ME at some level, then my reaction to having that thought is not fun.

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel speeded up, tense, moving very very fast, busy, busy, busy. My mind feels lit up, concentrating on how to solve the problem of disappointing someone.

That person might get mad, or might get sad, it doesn’t matter. Both bother me.

But who would I be without that thought?

What if I didn’t believe it was upsetting to disappoint someone, that it was terrible if they felt unhappy when I said NO, or even when I forgot?

I would see that person, with their disappointed reaction, the look, the gesture, their words….and I would notice how honest they are, and real.

I would love their expression of communication.

It wouldn’t mean they hate me (even if they say they do). It would simply be human being honest, waiting, moving towards or away.

The funny thing is, when I do not believe the thought that it is bad to disappoint someone, or for that matter….bring out a stressful reaction of any kind in someone else….

….then I am truly free to be lovingly, beautifully, simply HONEST.

No fear of what will happen. No need to please, or hope to please.

Without the thought that I know what people like to feel, and I’m gonna make it happen….I let go in a way that is so sweet, and a bit frightening, and untethered, that it feels like fantastical new territory.

“To think that you know what’s best for another person is to be out of your business. The result is worry, anxiety, and fear. When you mentally step out of your business, you think that you know more than he, she, or God. The only real question is ‘Can I know what’s right for myself?’ That is your only business. And, as you eventually come to see, not even that”. ~ Byron Katie

I love the lightness of only being responsible for me, for my own No or Yes.

From that point, I can control nothing. People will have their responses. It’s not my business.

This isn’t said in an uncaring, defensive way, like WHATEVER…go have your little hissy fit, I don’t care!

No. It’s a compassionate, easy allowing of what is.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~ Tao Te Ching #38

Today, if you were really truly yourself, without a care in the world for how other people might respond….what would you answer….yes, or no?

Love, Grace

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There’s No Reason To Shut Your Mind Off

Some time ago, a private group of close friends asked me to come meet with them and guide them through a short training in The Work, so they could support each other in questioning their beliefs.

I was very inspired by their commitment to sincerely look at how to even identify their stressful thinking, much less write it down!

Or say it out loud! Gasp!

They had thoughts like these:

  • I just feel awful, nervous, angry, depressed….I don’t know why
  • When I go home, I am annoyed with my kids!
  • I hate the way I act with those I love
  • I don’t know why I can’t stop overeating, or why I don’t exercise like I used to
  • My spouse is so tiresome, he talks too much (or too little)

I could see and hear that as they spoke about their upsetting situations of life-with-family, they so quickly felt bad about themselves and their own behaviors, thoughts, or feelings….that they wanted to skip over their judgments or criticisms of the annoying people in their lives.

This can make the inner world feel like a ping-pong ball session….

…I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person—hating myself is unbearable—but I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person—hating myself hurts but I’m trying to control it—but I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person….

You get the idea. BOING BOING BOING.

No solution in sight.

It’s almost like every time the energy of angst, irritation, resistance towards that person appears, it builds up even more.

If you keep going with this kind of inner experience, the weight of it may become so heavy it feels like depression, hopelessness, or apathy.

I loved working with these lovely people, who all knew each other so well, so willing and so full of desire to take a look at their uncomfortable thinking.

Even though they were doing The Work on long-term relationships, those people they had known for their entire lives in some cases (sister, father) I asked them to picture just one situation with that difficult person where the feelings generated were big….and very stressful or painful.

Even though the mind will see many situations, multiple ones if you’ve known the person a long time, where that person was irritating or puzzling….it is very helpful to pick only one.

This is what Byron Katie is talking about when she says to think of one difficult situation, and do The Work on that one.

It narrows down the field.

The mind can be very busy, fast, expansive and all-inclusive.

With one situation in mind, that troubling moment, get it really vivid. Picture the time of day, the location you were in, the sounds and light.

There is that obnoxious or frightening person, doing what they did, saying what they said….and you are holding this “scene” in your mind while you write.

Suddenly, the huge feelings that seemed so confusing, heavy, dark, uncomfortable or foggy may have a thought connected to them.

What do you want, in that situation? What should be happening, that is not happening? What do you need? What should NOT be happening, that IS happening?

In this exercise of identifying what you are thinking, you get to stop criticizing yourself for thinking it.

Yes, the thoughts may be very, very harsh, critical, sour, or full of attack.

This doesn’t mean you are a bad person.

It means you’re a human.

I loved watching the A-Ha moments as the friends working on their stressful situations discovered how to slow the entire process of The Work down and move through inquiry from beginning to end.

Not jumping to turnarounds instantly and slapping themselves in the face emotionally for being so critical and horrible.

But instead opening to understanding their critical stream of thoughts, with compassion.

“There’s a fairy tale about whenever this princess would start to say mean words, toads would come out of her mouth. You begin to feel like that’s what’s happening. Or you’re poisoning yourself with your own mean mindedness. And yet, do you stop? No, you don’t stop, because why? Because you associate it with relief from this feeling. You associate it, basically, with comfort.” Pema Chodron

In self-inquiry, rather than forcing yourself to stop thinking mean thoughts about people you love, you look at them closely.

You give yourself a break.

You give the meannie mind a forum, a voice, for once.

Next time, that bratty, vicious, nasty voice might not have to be so loud. It feels heard.

You’ve given it attention, rather than fighting it all the time.

Life becomes lighter.

Maybe even a huge weight is lifted.

“The enlightened mind is the mind that you can find no valid reason to shut down.The mind is a seeker. It just wants to know what is real and what isn’t. It’s fascinated by itself.” ~ Byron Katie

Let your apparently judgmental mind have its voice, on paper, rather than shutting it down.

You may become fascinated with yourself in the best way possible….with love, affection, attention, and understanding.

Love, Grace

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Question Your Past, Change Your Future

Is it time to practice, contemplate, and learn even more in the School of Your Life?

Two spots left for Mini Retreat in northeast Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage this coming Saturday 1:30-5:30 pm. Earn 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

Click here to register and join us!

An online version of this retreat is in the works (thank you all who have written to request this). Stay tuned.

And speaking of taking time to sit and do The Work….

….someone asked me the other day about doing The Work when her anxiety is very high, when the situation is frightening, when she feels panic.

It all depends.

Every situation is unique, and sometimes, there are moments where movement and action appears to be the most natural or obvious activity, not necessarily stopping to take out a pen and paper.

It seems there is a natural place self-inquiry; observing, contemplating, and slowing down, feels loving and gentle and full of insight.

Right in the middle of a huge car accident is not necessarily the time to rush to the middle of the street and ask a person with a broken or hurt body “can you absolutely know this is true?”

When someone is full of shock, or grief, or fear….the feelings coursing through their body may seem to have a life of their own, a movement of nature.

Eckhart Tolle describes in his book The Power of Now a moment where he watched two ducks sail towards each other on a still pond, ready to attack and defend their own territories.

A skirmish ensued, biting, snapping.

Then, the fight was over. As Eckhart watched, he noticed the ducks both moving in opposite directions, flapping their wings, as if shaking off excess energy.

He goes on to describe his reflections on this surge of energy, this apparently intense experience, and how the human mind often grabs something that creates intense feeling, and begins to obsess, think, and/or ruminate on what happened.

“If the duck had a human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story-making. This would probably be the duck’s story: ‘I don’t believe what he just did. He came to within 5 inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond. He has no consideration for my private space. I’ll never trust him again. Next time he’ll try something else just to annoy me. I’m sure he’s plotting something already. But I’m not going to stand for this. I’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget.’ And on and on the mind spins its tales, still thinking and talking about it days, months, or years later.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

The thought of inquiry and using the mind to investigate what is true, is of course absurd for animals in nature….but I love that the human mind has this possibility for deep understanding.

So, a situation occurs that produces stress of some kind. Fear, sadness, anger, rage, upset, worry.

There is a surge of energy. The feelings course through the body.

You will know when that wave of feeling would naturally be over……when you have entered a place where you are keeping the memory alive, replaying it, recreating it, talking about it yet again.

That is the perfect time for The Work.

The perfect time to have great compassion for yourself, instead of telling yourself you SHOULD be over it by now.

That situation happened. There is no changing it, no matter how much you wish you could alter the past.

And yet, as you question your very painful beliefs about that fight that happened, the fear, the person you encountered, that uncomfortable conversation, the difficult incident, that accident, the emergency you lived through….

….you can come to peace with reality. You can see that what happened is now truly over.

If you’d like to dive in and take a look at your relationship to someone from the past, to a troubling memory, to your career or money….anything that creates stress when you think about it….

…then set aside some time to sit quietly and go through the process of inquiring into your own mind.

If you’d like support to keep yourself sitting in that chair (instead of getting up to do the laundry or check emails) then join a small group in a powerful in-person half-day retreat this coming Saturday in Seattle.
Any topic, person, situation, experience, or dilemma that you’d like to understand better, meet with compassion, or shift, is welcome for The Work.
If you live far away from Seattle or wouldn’t be able to come, then gather several friends and create your own retreat.
The freedom of being at peace with that past situation could change your entire future.
I’ve found this to be true for me.
“When we take care of the past, when we question what we are believing about the past, it shifts…..The future can only be projected from the past, so when we love our past, because we have done The Work with it, then we love the future. So any images that come, we are in a constant state of not just acceptance, but excitement.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

 

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If Money Was Not A Problem

One of my favorite topics of all time to do The Work on is Money. That stuff called Money that appears necessary for trading what you need to survive, or to take action, have adventures, learn, or to feel secure.

Such a huge, wide, broad general topic…money shows up in life, even if you live far away from civilization and grow your own food.

In which case, you may not be reading this Grace Note post, anyway.

Recently, I’ve gotten to look at Money again with new eyes as the teleclass on Money does their work together over 8 weeks.

The exercise for the third class is to write down what you think Money will give you, if you have it?

Are you kidding? What would it give me?? It would give me so much!!

Adventure, excitement, training, expertise, exploration, time, security, generosity, thrill, joy, happiness, courage, creativity.

Woah. That sure is a lot to expect from Money.

Am I sure I need that thing called Money, in order to have these things?

Am I absolutely sure that all these wonderful things are not present….unless I have Money?

When I believe Money is responsible for enhancing all these things I love, then I want it, but I feel frustrated with it.

I think of it as a problem.

I have it as an end goal in mind. I move fast. I plow forward without slowing down, I force myself to do things.

The present moment has to be efficient, or focused, or productive. No messing around dilly-dallying about, frittering away time.

When I believe that Money brings all these beautiful things in life, I believe that more would be better.

Now, here’s an interesting little subtle (for some people, not so subtle) reaction to seeing that having more Money offers me a better life.

In order to deal with Money, I decide that I won’t care about money at all.

I’ll cut it out of my life. I’ll STOP believing more is better. I’ll live without it!

I’ll push it away, and be satisfied with what is. I’ll stop dreaming of adventure, security, fun, giving, training, education. I’ll do it all myself.

I notice there is still a forcing in this approach, at least for me. There is a determination, an attack on believing that more money is good.

So who would I really be without the thought that more OR less would be better?

Who would I be if all my dreams about money were not “problems” to deal with, to change, to alter, to resolve?

This is one heckofa big question…..

….Money? Not a problem in any way?

Yes, that’s the question. What if you lived your amazing life, and money came and went and you wrote checks or paid for things or worked and there it was, but there was not stress.

Not something confusing about it, worrisome, difficult.

Who or what would you be without the thought that Money is complicated?

I’d notice that I love when money is here. I love buying all the tickets for the whole family for the movies, and the popcorn.

I notice I love paying for my daughter’s tuition.

Without the thought that I need to avoid or attract Money, without having to work on that project of Money, that it comes and goes and the flow of it all is quite stunning.

Constantly changing. In and out like the tides, like breathing.

Without the thought that there is a problem here around Money, I see that I get excited about working with someone who is paying me, and I sign up to work with others (like Stephan Bodian’s School for Awakening).

Without the thought that loving Money is a problem, that wanting it is “hard”, I notice that wanting it is EASY.

Wanting money comes and goes, feeling abundant or lacking comes and goes.

I notice feeling abundant and feeling secure, happy, gentle, curious…that studying money with joy is much more fun.

In fact studying Money as if it were a Great Friend, not a difficult problem child, is not stressful.

It is joyful, fun, adventurous, creative, thrilling, honest, courageous, spiritual, generous, happy, and secure.

I LOVE Money! I’m so excited that it is in my life, whether it’s $10 or $1,000!

I see that without the belief that money creates difficulties OR happiness, I notice that it’s my privilege to be in relationship with it, here in this lifetime, here in this body, on this planet, where it is a part of reality.

Just the way I used to want to cut out food from my life, when I was starving myself and full of angst about food….and yet it appeared to be something I deeply needed to engage in and love….

….I see money once had similar properties. Love/Hate.

“It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship.” ~ Byron Katie

I question my thinking about money, and the drama ends.

I am the one who needed to get clear.

And now, Money seems to show up a lot more often, ready to play, have a conversation, and be in my life.

You can make friends with Money, too. No matter how much or how little you have.

“Once you understand what your situation actually is–which is not what that voice in your head says it is–then, of course, you can stop struggling. The situation exists. You don’t have to worry about it or drink over it or cry or debate or ask others for advice. You can stop resisting it because what was making you sick was your own thinking about it–not it.” Eckhart Tolle

Who would you be without the thought that Money causes problems, reduces problems, or IS a problem?

Love, Grace

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The Goodness That Came From That Trouble

Relationships that are rocky, difficult, or troubling can last long after the actual relationship is over.

The memory of that worrisome person can bring up fresh feelings of confusion, analysis, heartache….all of the sudden maybe, when you’re walking to the store.

You may not have seen or talked with that person in five, ten, or twenty years….but BOOM, you’re thinking of them and you immediately feel puzzled, or unhappy.

Most of us have had at least a few painful relationships in our lives…the ones where connecting with that other person seemed (or still seems) to result in stress, sadness, anger, fear, dishonesty, angst.

Maybe there are very difficult memories of violence, sharp words, yelling, lying, addiction, or betrayal.

Sometimes there may be memories or images that are very positive, thrilling, or joyful with another person….and then sadness because that relationship no longer exists.

Any of these memories can appear to offer you pain, if you believe your thinking without questioning any of your stressful thoughts.

This week, a client I was facilitating was remembering her former marriage with longing.

Another client was remembering her former marriage with rage.

Both of these kind women said “I wish I had never met that man”.

Ouch.

Time to inquire.

“I would be better if I had never known that person”.

Is that true? Are you sure that if you had the option, you would delete and erase all memory and contact of that person…forever?

Are you sure that your life would be better NOW without having ever known that person, even the person who seemed to do great damage, the person who was scary or abusive?

Are you sure that your life would be better if you hadn’t had those wonderful, amazing, exciting times in the past (that seem to no longer exist NOW)?

Who would you be without the thought that you would truly be better off if you had never known them?

Wait.

You mean…it’s good that I had that relationship and then it ended? You mean Iwouldn’t be better off now without that person having been in my life?

But I couldn’t possibly admit that my life might actually be better BECAUSE I had that relationship, and that it lasted just the right amount of time, and that it went the way it did for good reasons.

Is that what you’re suggesting?

Because that relationship was TERRIBLE. It was fraught with darkness, criticism, worry, and deep pain.

Are you sure?

What if you turned that belief around and considered the opposite: I am better off now because I knew that person.

This isn’t about saying that the relationship didn’t hurt, wasn’t destructive, or wasn’t completely whacked.

But it is spending some time acknowledging what you received from that experience with that person, with compassion.

Could it be possible that you are better off now because of your contact with that human being?

Both people I worked with found genuine examples of how they were positively affected by the past relationship they remembered with fear or sadness.

I look at my own past relationships that seemed fraught with ups and down, obsessive thinking, or nervousness and worry…

….I can find how I am more relaxed now, more able to handle people with those traits, more able to love without needing anything from others.

Every relationship has been like going to School. The School of my life. The School of the way I think and see the world.

The stressful relationships have been the ones that have taught me the greatest lessons, in many ways.

They are the relationships that made me change course in my ship as it sailed across the ocean.

“The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.” ~ Byron Katie

Your invitation in this life is to make peace with what is, with every person you’ve ever known and encountered.

Even those tough cookies.

It doesn’t mean you ever have to contact them, or see them, or live with them, or talk with them again.

“You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge…..Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

All you need to do is notice the advantages, the goodness in the NOW, because of having known those difficult people you’ve known. Then see what happens.

It’s not scary as you think.

Love, Grace

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Regretting The Past Hurts – Until You Question Your Thinking

A very painful human experience is the feeling of regret.

I know this because not only have I felt it myself, but also worked with so many people who felt very burdened by regret.

There is that situation I remember, and the present thoughts in the mind look like this:

  • I regret I didn’t spend more time with him/her
  • I regret that I said “yes”
  • I regret that I said “no”
  • I regret that my actions caused pain for other people
  • I regret that I stole, lied, hated, judged

The origin of the word “regret” partly comes from an old Norse word “grata” which means to groan.

Such a terrible feeling as I remember what happened that I silently groan with sorrow, wishing the outcome was better….replaying how it could have gone differently, full of lament.

And always, regret involves looking backwards, at memories, at the past.

It can be immensely powerful to look at what you regret in your life with a mind open to investigation of your painful situation…..rather than certainty that what you did was wrong.

When you recall a situation where you are sure you did something wrong, and you feel sick to your stomach, sorry, tainted for life, rotten, inadequate or deserving punishment….

….even in the middle of having the confusing, conflicted, desperate, despairing feelings….

….can you absolutely know that the way it went was truly 100% awful?

Can you know that you were wrong?

Yes, yes! I shouldn’t have done that. Everyone would agree.

A client I worked with was so upset with himself for being so angry with his father, for having the feeling of anger instead of love.

How do we react when we believe that we did it wrong?

I berate myself, I say I was stupid. I think about the other people involved or those who were distressed and either wish I had never met them, or wish they would go away forever. I criticize those people.

I criticize all of us.

When I believe that something, someone, did it wrong….then I feel anger, punishment, fear.

I say “I can’t believe I did that.”

Well who would I be without the thought that I did it wrong, or they did it wrong, or that the entire thing was wrong?

Without the thought that it went badly, that it was a disaster, that if only it went differently then it would have been much better?

I am immediately here in the present moment.

The memory I see of the past discretion, is only a picture in the mind. It came and went. It’s complete.

it’s over.

I feel excited about NOW.

“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Then I turn the thought around to the opposite: I did it right.

Really?

Naw. Not possible.

Hmmmm.

What if I stop being such a dictator towards myself, and I open up to the idea that I CAN believe I did that?

What if something about how it went was just right for that situation, that time and place?

What if I stop having such high, extreme, perfectionist, cutting expectations of myself…and I join the human race?

I did it right.

I take a deep breath, and begin to look how this may also be as true, or truer, than my original condemning thought that I did it wrong.

Yes, I did it right.

(It doesn’t mean I will ever do it that way again, which would be impossible anyway).

  • I spent exactly the right amount of time with him/her, I received all I needed, they received all they needed
  • I accept that I said “yes”, I see what I learned, I see what didn’t work and I made adjustments
  • I am content that I said “no”, I have infinite other options now
  • It was powerful that my actions caused pain for other people, and I notice that everyone is actually fine
  • When I stole, lied, hated, judged it showed me what I thought was real at the time, but wasn’t…it showed me how stuck I felt, how trapped

“Resist anything with regret, judgment or blame and you’re resisting your own full awakening, the embodiment of your realization of truth. Truth leaves nothing out, no one out, it includes everything and everyone, and every shitty thing that ever happened, and every shitty person you’ve ever known. Everything and everyone is serving your full awakening.  Deny this truth, and you are back in suffering.” ~ Adyashanti

Today, see if you can find an example of how it really is OK that you did that regretful thing, that it served your awakening in some way, that it taught you some piece of Truth for yourself.

See if you can feel how gentle it is that it’s OK that you are the human being who did that, that you were not perfect.

“…it could be that you’re believing something that you don’t believe. It could be that you’re trying very, very hard to believe what you don’t believe. You question what you’re trying to believe and give yourself a break. Cut yourself free and open up to life.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. If you notice many regretful or stressful thoughts about past relationships, then you may love joining the 8 week telecourse starting in September: Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. A fabulous way to do the work with a small group. Question your thinking, change your relationships!

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This Life Is Enough

Today I went to my very first open casket viewing of the death of the golden-hearted young man, a beautiful friend of mine, who suddenly died this past week.

It was a mild, soft, mid-summer afternoon. I parked and crossed the street with heavy city traffic moving by in all directions.

The very same funeral home where I sat over two decades ago at a large dark wooden table with my three sisters and my mother, as we received the ashes of my father’s body.

All these years later, and I knew right where to go, not one wrong turn. Even though I have only been inside once, it is there in a central part of my city, I see it and notice this funeral home from time to time.

I remembered the forest green trim, the carpet, the gentle hush inside.

This time I was guided to the right as I entered the home.

It is amazing to look upon the body which once held such a sweet friend, the face still intact, the hands folded gently across his waist.

I sat with his family, listening to them talk about their son/nephew/grandson, and then looking, looking again over at him….imagining him with laughing eyes open, like the photo on the stand nearby.

His body there, but not him.

The life force that moves and courses through us, that animates us…so very mysterious.

No clearly identifiable source, no socket we’re plugged into that we can see with our body eyes.

Yet, we all know when its there or not there. We feel it.

As I sat in the quiet place, with talk and movement of people, the ache in my heart was still heavy, the tears still there, caught in my throat in waves.

But I knew that this time of someone dying was a repeating experience.

I remembered that my mind wants to understand and KNOW. My heart, or something else that is not really the mind, is quiet. It only wants to be.

Those who have gone are apart, separated, far away, missing, lost, silent, absent, unfinished…..is that true?

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

I remember my father like it was yesterday that he was here. I see the face of my young friend with his adorable smile.

Even though my heart feels like it’s breaking open, I feel the Great Hum of something that knows this day, this moment, is part of all of this here.

Who would I be without the thought that death is a problem?

I’m not even sure.

It stops my mind short, to even imagine it…….Something happens that unfreezes a bit.

Something opens, quizzical, so uncertain, so strange….not the kind of thinking I’ve practiced when it comes to death.

What if this is all enough? What if that life was enough?

(Even though a voice protests that it wasn’t).

Even here, with the going and coming of the most profound level. The going of someone I love.

Suddenly, as inquiry washes through me, I realize that this very same day, only hours before I was sitting in the funeral home, I had run into a friend with his brand new baby only 12 weeks old. He was seeing her briefly during lunch hour at day care, before he returned to work.

A body just born to here, a body just left here.

Could it all be enough? Really?

That is the turnaround, the awareness of the opposite. Maybe this is enough, has been enough, will be enough.

“When you realize what you are now, the issue of death will solve itself.” ~ Adyashanti

Yes, perhaps this is enough, here. Perhaps my heart is full beyond comprehension. Perhaps All This is full beyond imagination.

I notice that NOW, I am going to put on my dancing clothes, and go dance. For now, this body is dancing on this planet, apparently, without needing to understand….without asking why. Even with tears, pouring down my own cheeks.

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #33

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When Learning Something New Seems Too Hard

Learning something new, like a language, a method, a system, a routine….can be really fun….or really aggravating.

Can’t I just know it already?

You mean I have to learn ALL THOSE WORDS in a whole different language?

This will take forever. Boring. Not worth it. Too much energy. Too hard.

Recently, you may be able to tell I’m having a little issue working with fonts in my emails here at DIY (Do It Yourself) technologies.

The font is different today than it was yesterday.

I clicked on something a couple of weeks ago and my usual format changed, without me realizing it.

Some people couldn’t actually READ Grace Notes anymore. Print too small.

So I changed it again (and that required figuring out how I changed it my accident the first time)…

…and the newer font lined up weirdly for some people, and turns out, still too small.

This one may be too big, who knows (by the way feel free to write me back and say “it works! thumbs up!” or “Noooooo!”)

I also happened, mostly by accident, to discover that the little square box thingy that pops up when people come to my website was not working.

When someone entered their email to subscribe to Grace Notes, it took them to a training program on how to make those box opt-in subscribe thingies look really awesome.

Oops.

I also learned what a “ping-back” is. I thought it was bad.

I would receive a message “you have gotten a ping-back…”

I had an image of a ping-pong ball hitting my head after I threw it, ricocheting off the ceiling, electric impulses bouncing around the computer….and the computer exploding.

But it turns out, it means someone has created a link to my Grace Notes post from their blog or website. Which can be helpful for readers.

Sometimes it appears that learning comes in small teensy baby steps.

Starting with the alphabet, for example.

One little piece at a time. One step at a time. Repeating the dance routine over and over, saying the speech, meditating for five minutes (not an hour), googling the word “ping-back” after seeing it ten times.

The only time things are really stressful, I find, is when I picture where I want to be, or what my purpose is in learning something, and think these kinds of thoughts:

  • this is going to take a loooooooooooong time to learn
  • it’s too late to become really good at this
  • that other person does it way better
  • it won’t make a positive difference in my life after I learn it
  • it’s too complicated
  • I don’t get this now, so I probably won’t get it tomorrow either
  • life should be easy and this is hard—I quit
  • I’ll just think about it some more

If I had believed these thoughts about my recovery from having a troubling relationship with food and eating, I’m not sure where I would be now.

Well, I did THINK these kinds of thoughts, but I didn’t believe them entirely, for some reason (maybe grace itself).

I was very determined, very early, to become obsession-free around my body, food and eating. I was in so much pain, with a terrible eating disorder, it felt like a matter of life or death (it was).

But with less intense desires for learning, like how to change fonts in email programs, it can be quite wonderful to question these beliefs.

Who would I be without the thought that learning all these little techy things are a waste of time, or boring, or don’t matter, or take me away from other more important ventures?

Who would I be without the thought that learning a very small, tiny little thing that appears before me as a call for an adjustment, is not fun?

I notice that all the technological details I’ve researched and learned are quite fascinating.

I turn the thoughts all around to their opposite, and consider each one, and find examples of how they are also true:

  • this is going to “give” time to me, and it’s going to “take” the perfect amount of time
  • it’s not too late to become really good at this
  • other people who do it way better are people to watch, inspirations!
  • it will make a positive difference in my life after I learn it
  • it’s not too complicated
  • I don’t get this now, but I may get it tomorrow
  • life should be hard and this is easy—I’ll keep going
  • I’ll try it!
“When someone says, I can’t do it, or, It’s too difficult, I’ll never be able to afford…I’ll never be as wise as…. I might say, ‘Oh, so this is your plan for the future. I hear you.’  The truth is that, for all you know, you can do it, it isn’t too difficult, you will be able to, etc. How can you know the future? The future isn’t here yet! Question what you are believing, open the space to ‘Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Who would I be without that thought, right here, right now?’ Turn it around to the opposite and find examples of why your can’t-do plans actually could be NOT true, for all you know.” ~ Byron Katie

Where do you dismiss in yourself what you’d really like to try, what you’d love to learn, to know about?

Much love, Grace