Relationships that are rocky, difficult, or troubling can last long after the actual relationship is over.
The memory of that worrisome person can bring up fresh feelings of confusion, analysis, heartache….all of the sudden maybe, when you’re walking to the store.
You may not have seen or talked with that person in five, ten, or twenty years….but BOOM, you’re thinking of them and you immediately feel puzzled, or unhappy.
Most of us have had at least a few painful relationships in our lives…the ones where connecting with that other person seemed (or still seems) to result in stress, sadness, anger, fear, dishonesty, angst.
Maybe there are very difficult memories of violence, sharp words, yelling, lying, addiction, or betrayal.
Sometimes there may be memories or images that are very positive, thrilling, or joyful with another person….and then sadness because that relationship no longer exists.
Any of these memories can appear to offer you pain, if you believe your thinking without questioning any of your stressful thoughts.
This week, a client I was facilitating was remembering her former marriage with longing.
Another client was remembering her former marriage with rage.
Both of these kind women said “I wish I had never met that man”.
Ouch.
Time to inquire.
“I would be better if I had never known that person”.
Is that true? Are you sure that if you had the option, you would delete and erase all memory and contact of that person…forever?
Are you sure that your life would be better NOW without having ever known that person, even the person who seemed to do great damage, the person who was scary or abusive?
Are you sure that your life would be better if you hadn’t had those wonderful, amazing, exciting times in the past (that seem to no longer exist NOW)?
Who would you be without the thought that you would truly be better off if you had never known them?
Wait.
You mean…it’s good that I had that relationship and then it ended? You mean Iwouldn’t be better off now without that person having been in my life?
But I couldn’t possibly admit that my life might actually be better BECAUSE I had that relationship, and that it lasted just the right amount of time, and that it went the way it did for good reasons.
Is that what you’re suggesting?
Because that relationship was TERRIBLE. It was fraught with darkness, criticism, worry, and deep pain.
Are you sure?
What if you turned that belief around and considered the opposite: I am better off now because I knew that person.
This isn’t about saying that the relationship didn’t hurt, wasn’t destructive, or wasn’t completely whacked.
But it is spending some time acknowledging what you received from that experience with that person, with compassion.
Could it be possible that you are better off now because of your contact with that human being?
Both people I worked with found genuine examples of how they were positively affected by the past relationship they remembered with fear or sadness.
I look at my own past relationships that seemed fraught with ups and down, obsessive thinking, or nervousness and worry…
….I can find how I am more relaxed now, more able to handle people with those traits, more able to love without needing anything from others.
Every relationship has been like going to School. The School of my life. The School of the way I think and see the world.
The stressful relationships have been the ones that have taught me the greatest lessons, in many ways.
They are the relationships that made me change course in my ship as it sailed across the ocean.
“The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.” ~ Byron Katie
Your invitation in this life is to make peace with what is, with every person you’ve ever known and encountered.
Even those tough cookies.
It doesn’t mean you ever have to contact them, or see them, or live with them, or talk with them again.
“You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge…..Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
All you need to do is notice the advantages, the goodness in the NOW, because of having known those difficult people you’ve known. Then see what happens.
It’s not scary as you think.
Love, Grace