I should….I need to….I have to….I will….
Most of us know from experience that ordering ourselves around doesn’t seem to work too well.
I’ve spoken with many people who have given up making New Year’s resolutions, or who have stopped putting themselves diets, or who have allowed more time for quiet in their lives where they make zero plans.
But one tricky, tricky little place of the shoulds, need-to’s, have-to’s, and making plans for turning over a new leaf or mapping out your goals is in Being Spiritual.
I shall explain.
After doing The Work for awhile, probably at least a couple of years, I had a major revelation.
There was one individual who I didn’t really have much trouble with. But I didn’t exactly like her or want to be her friend.
Her voice bothered me. I would describe it as “plastic”.
I would see her regularly at a board meeting. If she started talking I would get a sort of feeling inside like oh-lord-when-will-she-stop?
After doing self-inquiry on it a couple of times I found, back then, that I definitely judged her for being too cutesy, bright and smiley….
…..because I myself had been cutesy, bright and smiley sometimes when inside I felt angry, upset and like frowning.
In other words, I absolutely found the turnarounds to be as true, that as I looked at her, the fake-nice thing I perceived in her that came out in her voice was actually something I had done, many times.
And then it dawned on me that I expected myself to be drawn to her, consider her a friend, and say “yes” to her if she asked me out for tea.
I had believed for a very long time in the following shoulds/needs/have-to’s/ and that I ought to “will” myself to be more spiritual:
- I should love everyone
- I need to be nice, soft, unassuming, humble
- I should say “yes” if people ask me to spend time with them
- I have to be polite, say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry
- I will pray, meditate, read spiritual books and get myself together as a loving, enlightened, good human
- I should at LEAST accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them)
- I shouldn’t be so nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy (even on the inside)
- I need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less
- I have to be spiritual!
The bumper sticker did not say “What would Grace Bell do?”
It said “What would Jesus do?!”
Because what I would do was mundane, or stupid, not quite good enough! Or unloving! Or selfish! I must train, train, train in spiritual endeavors!
Phew!
So let’s take a look.
I need to love (or accept) everyone.
Is it true?
Yes! That would be awesome! A loving person would not hate someone’s voice. How petty is that? Jeez, get it together!
Is it true that you should not have preferences, that you shouldn’t be repulsed, or attracted to people?
Is it true that you should love everyone?
A spiritual teacher called Mooji once said during a satsang that when Jesus went into the temple where people were busy selling things, which he found disgraceful, he was not exactly there to be loving.
Word has it that Jesus knocked over the tables of the merchants.
Gandhi called for the British to withdraw from India and led a huge national protest.
Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus.
Well, now that you put it that way….
…..No, it’s not absolutely true that every moment I should love and accepteveryone.
How do I react when I believe the thought that I should?
I notice that I have a limited definition of “love” and “acceptance”.
I think it’s supposed to look sweet, kind and gentle. I think it’s supposed to mean saying “yes”.
When I believe that I should be “loving” I am thinking I should not be angry. I should not interrupt. I should send cards. I should say please and thank you.
When I believe the thought that I ought to loving and accepting, I don’t speak up, I avoid people who bring up negative feelings inside me.
I also think everyone else around me should feel happy and good, in my presence!
I get up out of my seat on the bus because that’s the way everyone has done it and I don’t want to cause a ruckus.
When I believe that I should be loving and I think I already know what loving looks like, I don’t say “No, I do not want to talk to you. No, I don’t want to go out with you” when that’s what is really true for me.
So who would I be without the thought that I should love everyone? That Ishould be accepting at all times?
I would be free to be myself….not someone different.
I would be here, today, in this body, in this personality, noticing that I really find that woman’s voice over there unpleasant.
I also don’t like heavy metal.
Without the demand that I should love everyone, I’m back over here in my own business, noticing that I like blue more than red.
I turn these thoughts around about love and acceptance, and notice, this is real, wild, open freedom:
- I should NOT love everyone, when I don’t
- I need to be abrasive, hard, strong, forthright, fiery
- I should say “no” if people ask me to spend time with them and I don’t want to
- I have to be honest, and say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry only when these are TRUE
- I pray, meditate, read spiritual books because I am already a loving, enlightened, good human….and none of these things are necessary
- I do accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them) and it doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them or like them
- I should be nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy–these qualities bring awareness, they are fascinating!
- I only need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less if these things arise naturally
- Everything I am IS spiritual!
“No one who thinks ‘I should love myself’ knows what love is. Love is what we are already. So to think that you should love yourself when you don’t is pure delusion. Isn’t the turnaround truer? ‘I shouldn’t love myself’. How do you know that you shouldn’t love yourself? You don’t! That’s it, for now. The truth is no respecter of spiritual concepts. ‘I should love myself’—ugh, on what planet? Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie
WOW! Not trying to be spiritual? Not trying to be loving and accepting? Just seeing what the actual truth is?
Yes.
Maybe a little scary at first, but it is OK. It’s very exciting.
You might start your own little personal revolution.
You might ask yourself with loving curiosity “What Would I Do?”
Much love, Grace