The other day I got an email from someone who recently had an enormous loss, the death of her beloved sister.
She had never heard of The Work and someone suggested she explore it.
We wrote back and forth, and she had wonderful questions and I could almost hear her mind cranking away at the ideas we discussed: the power to be able to ask if something really is true, especially when it seems like it IS absolutely true….the question of whether or not it is a friendly universe when it appears it is not.
Sometimes people have a puzzled response around questioning the mind….like…what are you talking about?!
It reminded me of how unusual it is, in many ways, for the mind to question itself. It feels like a thinking machine. It’s just busy, occupied with thoughts, which it mostly assumes to be true.
And out of these thoughts, feelings are born.
The space between thought and feeling is so so fast sometimes, almost impossible to catch. It seems like we just feel bad…and it’s either OBVIOUS why we feel bad, or MYSTERIOUS why we feel bad.
For this woman who was struggling, it felt obvious why she felt bad. The death of someone close.
That kind of loss when things appear to be entirely done, finished, over: death, or a major break-up, or a house burning down….these kinds of sudden losses can raise huge responses inside us.
Why even do The Work?
The person is gone…me doing The Work won’t bring them back!
I remembered myself and how I’ve felt when I had that thought…how I still react sometimes with loss or change that appears sudden, quick and unexpected:
- that person is gone
- I will never get over this
- life by myself, without that person, is horrible/sad/depressing
- other people are happy, but not me
- the universe is not friendly
- God/Source/Reality has pulled the rug out from under me
Pulled The Rug Out.
What a great phrase to describe the shock. A person is standing on a carpet, and someone or something comes along, big and strong enough to grab the edge of the carpet and yank out that rug. Of course, the person standing on the rug topples over, they fall and land hard, they are confused, they are frightened, they feel hurt.
So let’s do The Work.
The rug has been pulled out, figuratively speaking….is it true?
Yes. I thought things were going differently, beautifully. I hate the way they went. I don’t like death and endings. The loss is tragic for me.
IT IS TRUE that my life will never be the same, and the universe is NOT friendly!!
You’re supposed to feel happy, like the universe is friendly, all the time…is THAT true? You’re supposed to feel different than you feel, really?
Well…it seems like it would be better to NOT feel this way. But I’m not sure I’m supposed to feel differently than I feel.
The difficult part is when I believe that if things were different and this loss was not present, that would be much, much better….
….and then the jump to the conclusion, very speedy quick rapid, that un-doing the loss is the ONLY way I could feel better.
Since un-doing this loss is impossible…there is no way to feel better. Ever.
THAT is a huge, gigantic, deep, very painful trap.
Can I absolutely know I will never feel better, ever again?
Not at all. I’ve had death and loss and endings and it turns out….over time, it was better. It wasn’t up to me really.
Is it absolutely true that the rug was pulled out from under me? That the universe is not friendly? That the universe has mean, violent intentions?
No. I can’t absolutely know this. It seems true sometimes, especially about this whole Loss and Death stuff. But I’m not 100% sure. It seems sudden…but on the other hand, I’ve been aware that people die since I was a kid.
Death is not really NEW news.
How do you react when you believe this is too much for you to handle, and Reality is not kind?
Terrified, nervous, sleeping badly, comparing myself to other people who have it better than I do, angry, frustrated, mad. Staying home by myself. Wishing I could just die.
Not enjoying life, that’s for sure.
Deep breath.
So who would you be without the thought that the universe is mean, frightening, and unpredictable, and that you can’t handle this loss?
Without the thought that things will never be the same, that all is NOT well, or that the rug was pulled out from under you?
You may have to pause and think about it. What if you really didn’t believe this was 100% terrible, this situation you’ve experienced that hurts so very much, or that it is such a surprise?
What if there was some small part of you that could feel what it would be like, to not believe in a universe that plays mean tricks…like pulling the rug out from under you?
What if you are handling it? See if you are. “Are you breathing?” as Byron Katie says.
For me…I stop. I begin to wonder. I notice I AM breathing, my heart is beating and I am alive.
I didn’t actually DIE because of this event.
I look around the room I’m sitting in, and notice books, furniture, windows, ceiling…all intact. Everything quiet, waiting.
I notice a hum inside, some energy that is alive, here, in this body.
I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to try them on, in this world of duality and opposites:
I am OK, I am handling this, the universe is safe, reality is not mean, there may be other ways I could feel better than only the one way I think would offer relief.
There may even be advantages, or something inviting me to see, after this experience. Perhaps something is calling me forward, inviting me to recognize something truer than I previously thought, to become aware.
Could there be anything, anything at all (even very small) that might be NOT terrible about this situation?
You don’t HAVE to see it as positive, friendly, lovely, sweet, kind and loving right away, especially when it really seems like it’s not.
This is simply finding the turnaround, a different way, a different FEELING about this whole thing.
- that person is here, in my heart, forever
- I will always get over this, everyone does eventually
- life by myself, without that person, is wonderful/happy/enlightening
- other people are happy, and so am I
- the universe is friendly
- God/Source/Reality has caught me and held me and supported me the whole time
“The whole notice of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakening…The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go, self-image will go…death takes it all away, doesn’t it? And for the mind this is terrifying….But if you imagine; body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone, no past, no future, all falling away…what’s left? And what’s that LIKE? What’s the sense of that awareness? So death actually points towards awareness, towards consciousness. It takes everything away except what is essential. All form temporarily subsides. It reveals what you really, really, really are.” ~ Adyashanti
Is this really all terror and sadness, as I remember that person I love, who used to be here with me?
Or is this love, too?
Much love, Grace