Category: Relationships

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Trying not to be what you are?

If you notice you also are needy…..no need to pretend it isn’t true. Pause, see, notice….The Work.

OMG that person is soooooo gushing, over-the-top full of praise, way too complimentary, ingratiating, very needy. They must want something.

Have you ever had that inner feeling about someone, like they’re Pepe Le Pew?

I have. Then I did The Work on them.

And guess what?

Perhaps even worse….have you ever had the feeling YOU were being too clingy, needy, desperate, grabby about someone, or about a relationship you were attracted to?

The thing is, compensating for your own needy feelings, your own wants and desires, or trying to suppress them….

….doesn’t really work.

This is what it’s like.

OMG I really want to hang out with that person. He’s awesome. Uh oh. I better not ever be needy. Being needy is gross. He said he doesn’t like dependency in others. I did The Work on that other guys neediness, which was gross. I’ll act nonchalant. I’ll be easy-going.

They want to cancel last-minute plans? No problem. They want to go to that restaurant, even though I don’t like the big screen TVs inside? No problem. They chose that movie with lots of scenes of blowing things to smithereens? OK with me. They want to see the play with the crying, sad ending? Sure thing.

I just won’t appear to need their love.

I’ve read the book.

Cool as a cucumber over here.

This is called skipping over the next step in The Work and avoiding the feelings of grief, sadness, dread, loss, or heart-wrenching disappointment.

I understand it. I’ve done it.

In one love interest, I already had The Work in my life, but I would “do” The Work over and over again on the man being totally uninterested in me (who I felt interested in) so I could be MORE detached, laissez-faire, and relaxed in his presence….

….all with the secret inside hope that therefor he’d propose, be more attracted, or want to betogetherforeverfortherestofourlives.

(No spaces between the words on purpose).

So if you notice yourself doing ANYTHING to try to be NOT what you are, or what you feel….

….good little hiding place for self-inquiry.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

In this case: NEEDINESS!

Here’s how it unfolded for me.

First, with a quality (like “neediness”) you’ll probably already have noticed how someone else has it, and you found it repulsive.

The next thing that happened is you maybe did The Work, and discovered YOU had this quality, and found it repulsive (ahem, like my example, “neediness”, just saying).

You vowed without even knowing it that you would start working immediately (or continue “working” on yourself) on this quality. I will never, ever, ever be needy.

Oh, rats.

I realize something.

I am still totally 100% against neediness. I did The Work on that other person being needy, it pointed back to me, and now I’m determined not to be needy myself.

Important bulletin: I’m still against neediness.

This work is about the Truth. Noticing reality. Noticing what I’m at war with. Noticing my own pain, stress, suffering.

I myself shouldn’t ever be needy, make requests, ask for help, for food, for attention, for love.

Is that true?

Sigh. Yes! Aren’t enlightened people Non-Needy?

But can you absolutely know it’s true you shouldn’t ever be needy?

No. Because sometimes, I have been.

How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t act needy, detached, clingy or have any agenda whatsoever?

See above. I do things I don’t even like to do. I don’t hang up the phone.

Who would you be without the belief you shouldn’t be needy?

I’d just be here, with myself, noticing the desire for attention or support or security, and relax a little.

I’d maybe even….giggle.

I’d observe how brilliantly everything goes, even relationships, without my knowing a thing. I’d be so very aware of the part of me, as a beautiful inquirer said yesterday in the Eating Peace Process group, that’s very grounded.

Like a tree the way it blows wildly about, maybe loses a branch or two, but is rooted in the ground no matter what it’s winding up thinking or believing.

“You’re working at a deeper level. You’re not working with your psychology, to suppress, hold together, do affirmations, get the energy nicer. You’re going deep. You’re working with the blockages themselves, rather than the result of the blockages. Deep is the only place a solution exists. All the energy, attention, consciousness can now go to seeing the rock, on seeing, seeing, seeing…..If you center the energy back in the witness, in yourself, all these things will fall off like a snake, they will shed. You’ll start feeling peace where you felt disturbance. You are an extremely beautiful being, who needs nothing from anyone. The flower when it blossoms and opens in the morning naturally opens. It doesn’t need to receive, or to give. You are like this.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love,

Grace

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There’s a right way to do The Work

Doing The Work together with friends….can bring closeness, clarity, support. If you don’t do it on your own, try it with others!

Yesterday I gathered up my black briefcase, with five clipboards, pens and a stack of Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, turned on my Waze map app, and ventured off to a beautiful house overlooking the water and the Seattle sky line.

Usually when someone hires me to come work with a small group, it’s their employees, their non-profit organization, their work team.

It’s about leadership and growth, numbers, success, and communication improvement (so they think…although it is indeed all these things, but oh so much more).

But this group was simply a friend, inviting 3 other friends over, to be introduced and to “do” The Work in a little mini retreat of 3 hours. We were all offered cinnamon tea and roasted cashews.

We sat around a sweet dining table with Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, and each woman got to read her worksheet and work a concept from the sheet.

There was such a kind, supportive, loving sense of sharing in the group.

Normally, when doing The Work, it’s important not to share a long story, explain or justify, offer suggestions to someone else’s work or problem, brainstorm someone else’s dilemma. We even have training in The Work to listen to yourself facilitate on recording, listen to your own “hmmmm” sounds, or laughter, or unimportant words.

General overall feel: allow the one investigating to go deep, to follow their own process. There is no agenda.

I started off the little gathering speaking to this, and also mentioning the urge sometimes to tell your story with great detail. I usually say something about how to hold this work–with a lot of silence, consideration, not rushing in to sort out the identified problem.

But these women knew one another very well, and they were such a beautiful delight.

They wanted to help each other out.

Something in me knew to relax around their joy of giving feedback, reflection, asking questions, and watching creative ideas flow as these brave individuals did their work and wondered about their turnaround examples.

Someone shared the wisdom of her long-gone mother-in-law as an example of a person who lives the turnaround “there is nothing wrong with you”. Everyone benefitted by hearing about this unnamed elder who was so accepting of her children, and grandchildren, during her life.

Interesting to sit with this thing, called The Work, and watch the mind have it’s commentary: No one should tell their story, explain in too much detail their situation, give advice, suggest turnarounds, share their opinion.

An inquirer who is planning her own mini retreat in fact wrote to me recently requesting I don’t bring any agenda to her animal rights work. She wanted no convincing, and for me not to have an alternate opinion.

This is profoundly important with The Work. To understand there is no “right” way or “wrong” way….but nevertheless to have a very open mind, whether facilitator or the one inquiring (and the facilitator is actually also an inquirer, honestly).

So I noticed in this little lovely mini retreat with friends who knew one another well, the experience was just right. Not too hot, not too cold.

Is it true there should never be conversation, suggestions, help offered, new ideas, or someone telling quite a few details of their situation?

No.

Who would I be without this story of The Way To Do The Work?

Delighted with time spent with people who are my teachers, these newcomers to The Work.

Humble. Noticing I interrupted and brought people back into the process, and everyone got a turn, and joyful ah-ha’s were expressed, and now….

….The Work continues inside of me.

Trusting that the Universe and Reality have got this, and if I’m a part of the help, hooray, and how could I or anyone not be?

“I can’t find anything outside the brilliance. It’s everywhere, and it’s always gone, even before it happens. It’s how form appears to take place….You see that all stressful thoughts are already gone, you realize that there’s no substance to them, and you feel intense delight.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy page 131

Much love,

Grace

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Inquiry: letting your grown up out

Slow down. Let your feelings show you your stressful thoughts. Do The Work….Ahhhhh.

From time to time, someone I do The Work with says something like this:

“I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just feel awful. I wake up anxious. I overeat. I drink. I smoke. I have a dull job. I’m not sure what I’m doing in my life….How do I do The Work on all this?”

LOL. (Kind of. I know it’s not that funny when you’re in it).

I love how the mind looks at “all this” (your entire life) and keeps things foggy, uncertain, unclear.  Awareness is in a holding pattern of…..“I have no idea what’s going on, I just feel bad. Gosh.”

One thing that can help if you’ve had this overwhelmed uncomfortable feeling, is to first, focus on one troubled feeling at a time.

For example, if someone says they feel anxious (I can relate as a former anxiety junkie) I might ask “What does that feeling look like? What color is it? Where does it land in the body? What’s the temperature? What’s the texture?”

As the person focuses on the feeling, they’re turning towards it, not away.

If they feel MORE anxious for a moment, and they start to feel pretty nervous, I might do The Work with them first on the belief “I am not safe.” Or “Feeling this isn’t safe.”

Is it true?

No.

Who would you be without this story you aren’t safe right now, feeling this feeling?

What’s the turnaround?

 

I am safe. Feeling this is safe.

And now….noticing you’re safe, if your feeling could speak, if you let it bring you the message it wants you to know, if you considered this feeling a gift rather than an enemy you need to get rid of….

….what does it have to say?

Sometimes, the awareness is instantly far more lazer sharp.

The other day, I watched my own mind follow this very inquiry, landing on the stressful belief.

My teenager daughter, off at college, is far less communicative than I anticipated. She rarely calls, she hardly ever texts, and I’m so curious about her daily life, her classes, her friends, who she’s meeting, what she’s learning, what she’s thinking about.

I have to wait, though.

Until a weekend break, or whenever she returns home.

I love her so much, and miss talking with her. I’m also awed by her independence and feisty strength. She’s not clingy, not needy, and has no desire for my opinion or consult. For now, this seems incredibly healthy and beautiful.

So the other night, I look at my phone before going to bed and realize this daughter, such a wonderful curiosity, called 45 minutes earlier.

Wow!

Even though it’s late and I was about to turn out the lights, I immediately return the call. (She naturally didn’t leave any message).

“Oh hi mom! I’m five minutes from home, just about to get off the bus!”

REALLY?!

She walks into the cottage moments later and I am so, so happy to see her. Big embrace. She’s doing a homework project, and since it’s a long weekend (Monday is a holiday) she’s home for 2 nights

Then, I say I don’t get why she didn’t let us know she was coming?

Her: I did let you know, jeez, I told you about this weeks ago!

Me: But I never knew you had actually decided to come, I had no idea. Plus I thought you said you were sick?

Her: Being sick has nothing to do with Not Coming, I only have a cold. I can’t believe you didn’t realize this, I told you I was coming, like, ten times.

Me:  I didn’t know! You should communicate more clearly!

Her: I did!

Me: You didn’t!

(Variations on the theme You Did and You Didn’t ensue).

My daughter and I eventually go through texts on both our phones, and discover she never received a few important texts from me, and I thought her replies back were matching other completely different questions, and the whole misunderstanding and confusion was based on text and cell phone tech failure.

It’s like the Who’s On First Routine.

So we laugh, and embrace again and agree it’s late and time for sleep.

Especially because her step-dad and I are leaving in the morning at 6:30 am for an overnight in Canada, just over the border.

As we load our little carry-on bags into our car in the beautiful early morning, I’m aware my daughter is sleeping soundly in her bed.

She’s home.

And we are leaving.

How did this happen? If I had known, I would have stayed in town. Rats.

Anxious flutter. Images of her being alone all weekend in the house going here and there and me not getting to cross paths with her, see her, listen to her. I think about how beautiful she looked, coming into the house with her gorgeous dark brown hair and grey blue eyes, grey tights, cute polka dot skirt and black jacket.

On the car ride to the pier where we’re catching an early boat, I feel jumpy. We shouldn’t be going. I don’t care about this trip. I get seasick. This won’t be fun. I need a massage, not a holiday. There are too many people in this line (the boat is sold out). I can’t meditate. Complaining.

But then rather than skipping around to generalized complaint mode, finding something wrong with the moment and my feelings in addition to whatever else is in the environment, I stay with the feeling that’s anxious.

And then….the true stressful belief appears….*ping*:

I need more time with my daughter.

People think this all the time in a very deep and troubling way with someone who is dying, or a break-up, or when saying goodbye for a long period of time.

I need more time with them than I’m getting.

So let’s do The Work!

I need more time with her, Is that true?

Yes! So true! I can’t BELIEVE I’m traveling AWAY from her when I want to get to know her more and….

Stop. It’s a simple question. Can you KNOW this is absolutely true that you need more time with anyone?

No.

How do you react when you believe you need more time with her?

Choked up. Sad. Longing. Images of the future. Images of the past. Melancholy. I feel like turning around and to hell with the money my sweet husband spent to surprise me with two days away.

As I’m seeing the present moment, the gorgeous high cliffs of islands, the Puget Sound, the misty rain, the white choppy waves, the magnificence of where I am located….I dismiss it. I think Somewhere Else is better (at home with daughter).

So who would I be without this very stressful thought that being somewhere else is better than where I am, and I need more time over there?

Who would I be without the belief someone else’s company, another location, a different experience, more time with a person who is not here physically….is required for my happiness?

Woah.

Laughing. Laughing at the absurdity of it all. As if my thoughts had control of the universe. Noticing that with the thought, I’m missing the beauty of this location (except fortunately, not really).

Without the belief I need more time with someone else, I feel the glory of being alive and having eyes, ears, fingers, breath. I remember my father, who died quite young it seemed, and how doing The Work on his absence gave me the incredible gift of having him here in my heart at all times, and no dad to miss.

Without the thought that I need more time with my daughter, I simply sit here, noticing I adore her.

Turning the thought around:

  • I do not need more time with her.
  • She needs to spend more time with me.
  • I need more time with myself.
  • I need more time with what I’m spending time with (look around).

I don’t need more time with her, because I’m aware that even if she’s home, she has mega plans with other people. Not me.

She needs more time with me? Yes, as the kind, listening, adoring mother I am. I could go visit her soon, instead of waiting for her to come home.

I need more time with myself, with reality.

There is no requirement for time, I notice, in the universe. Time is limited in this physical body. Sometimes, humans are here for a very short time. Only months, or a few years. Sometimes, 19. Like my daughter.

I need more time with my own thoughts, with my feelings, with myself, with my environment.

Yes. I get to notice the splashing drops on the window, the great vast salt water sea, the low hum of this clipper ship motor, the snow capped mountains sharply rising off one side of the boat, my appreciation for remembering to take Dramamine (motion sickness medicine) which my husband kindly asked for.

I get to notice how very much I love this apparent daughter, and how it is right that we are independent beings. She should be able to easily live without me, and I without her. It doesn’t mean love between us isn’t just as vast as this ocean I’m sailing on.

“That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment. We don’t have to be mystics or physicists to know this. Yet at the level of personal experience, we resist this basic fact. It means that life isn’t always going to go our way. It means there’s loss as well as gain…

If you’re going to be a grown-up—which I would define as being completely at home in your world no matter how difficult the situation—it’s because you will allow something that’s already in you to be nurtured.” ~ Pema Chodron

Your answers, already inside you.

Let the uncomfortable feeling lead the way to the thought lead the way to growing up lead the way back home.

Much love,

Grace

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Fire and Purification, Love and Inquiry

Valentine’s Day TeleSession 2-4:30 pm Pacific Time. Click HERE. Password: WWGVALENTINE. Donations fantastic, so helpful & not required.

It doesn’t exactly feel beautiful when someone breaks up with you, when divorce proceedings are underway, when you have a fight with your beloved, when you find yourself complaining about the same thing endlessly in a relationship.

But what I love noticing, and so grateful for, is that if it ISN’T feeling so beautiful….

….The Work is beckoning.

Today, you can join me for an online mini-retreat in doing The Work on anywhere you notice in your life you feel not-so-beautiful, especially around relationships with others.

Don’t feel you must come do The Work on couples, romance, break-ups or love-gone-wrong (although those are all really amazing things to question). Come do The Work if you notice resentment, irritation, fear, loss, or worry about anyone in your life.

Concerns about love show up in many ways.

To join me click here. Come and go as you wish, no requirement to be there 2.5 hours.

Awhile ago, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a young woman who was upset about a man who didn’t love her as much as she loved him.

They had an off-again, on-again relationship.

He would return to town (he didn’t live in the same city), they’d spend 24 hours together making love, eating, sleeping, talking….

….then he’d leave for who knows how long and she’d try to act nonchalant and regroup.

But underneath, she felt abandoned and triggered by his going, and his absences, every time.

Why doesn’t he love me that way? Why doesn’t he want me to be his girlfriend all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have a relationship like my friend? Why doesn’t anyone, including this guy, want to marry me?

And then on top of all those kinds of thoughts, she’d also think “There’s something wrong with me, I am sooo clingy, I shouldn’t be needy, I’m ridiculous, relationships trap you anyway, I prefer independence, what am I doing here?”

It’s like she’d get stuck in a side-eddy of the river swirling around between “I suck” and “he sucks”.

Deep breath.

This is a good one for inquiry.

This relationship should be different than it is.

Find that one thing you notice you believe should be different. Whether in a long-term relationship and you’re so annoyed because he doesn’t do the dishes, or you’re going through a divorce and you believe you should be together, or you’re wanting more than you get from her in a relationship, or less.

Let’s do The Work.

In this situation, the relationship should be different. It should be that other, better way. Not THIS way.

Is that true?

Yes! This way is painful, boring, irritating, not serving me! It’s TRUE!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

The woman I was working with said “yes” she could absolutely know it was true she wanted more time, more commitment, more steadiness.

How do you react when you believe the relationship should be different than it is?

Angry. Depressed. Thinking I made a mistake. Yelling at myself that I should get over it. Furious with me. Furious with him. Sad. Begging. Trying everything to get it the way I want it.

So who would you be without your belief that this relationship should be different, that it should change in that situation for you to be happy?

Woah. But.

I can’t be happy with the relationship the way it is! I’d be ignoring my complaints! I couldn’t! I wouldn’t!

Slow down, though.

To not have this thought doesn’t mean you will never have the love you want, or the peace you crave. But in that situation, right when he doesn’t call back, or she forgot to meet you, or he left town again, or she was critical….

….Who would you be if you couldn’t have the belief it should be different, better, another way?

Wow. It drops a whole massive weighted layer of expectation and frees up other possibilities, at least for me. No one person needing to be any different, or do more than they do. No pushing, pulling, arguing with what is.

When I did this work with the young woman suffering from her un-committed relationship, she felt more of an unknown in that moment, without the thought.

She wasn’t very excited about other possibilities, especially other relationships, but she didn’t need to be. She simply noticed her own pretty apartment, her passion for her career, the way she sometimes would completely forget all people and get drawn into a project, the way her friends would come and go and she didn’t have the same feelings when THEY left (good to notice).

For me, I notice when I don’t think someone should be different, here I am taking a walk, doing The Work with people, buying groceries, going to yoga, vacuuming, teaching a class, writing….

….without any thought that something’s missing.

Even clients I work with should be exactly as they are, right in that moment in time.

Turning the thought around: this relationship should NOT be different than it is. It should be exactly like this. How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, it’s teaching me about deep attachment, expectations, demands I have inside that someone else should change so that I feel more happy, or comfortable.

I want to be the one to notice, and accept, and change, and move where I’m drawn….without enormous suffering or dreadful sorrow.

Another turnaround: My relationship with myself (in that situation with that other person) should be different. I should be more committed to myself, I should connect with me, I should express my preferences, I should do the things I like to do.

I could do all this by myself, or with this other person! I can ask for what I want, and hear without resentment if the answer is no from the other.

And finally, I should be different with this other person. If I want them to be more committed, could I be more committed, connected and clear with them? If I want them to be less clingy, could I be less clingy, demanding or needy with them? If I want them to quit “x” can I quit doing “x” with my thoughts about them?

This never means you should put up with something, or that you should twist yourself into a pretzel, or withhold information or the truth, or work even harder.

I love that it simply brings freedom if you are not arguing with reality, and wishing for something Other Than What Is.

As I look around the room in that situation I was questioning where that other person was doing it differently than I thought I wanted….

….I notice how much I love that room, the air, the lights, the distant sounds, the colors, the feelings, the quiet stillness, my heart beating.

I know the universe and reality has it handled far better than I could ever handle it. I can trust what’s going on, instead of fight it.

And if there’s a fight….The Work.

“Humility is our natural response to seeing what’s true about ourselves. When we judge others and question that judgment, then turn it around to ourselves, that is the fire and the purification. Our knees buckle, and we learn how sweet it is to lose–how that is the winning. That’s what The Work is about. Some people call it forgiveness. I call it sanity.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 221.

Much love,

Grace

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Think this, and you’re forever in the role of victim

You should be sorry. (Are you absolutely sure?)

Has anyone ever given you the creeps?

Of course they have, everyone’s gotten that feeling, even if you had it when you were a kid and you thought the old man at the end of the street was scary.

Nothing wrong with it, really. A feeling comes up, maybe you’re reminded of something fearful, or disappointing. Maybe there’s a gut intuition with no “reason” behind it. You know to cross the street, and move to the other side. Something is on alert.

But I found myself then wanting that person who creeped me out in the past, and also frightened a few others (added proof) to GET that they’re disturbing others, and why.

I heard him say “I didn’t do anything wrong!” about a sleazy overture to a woman.

Everyone would agree he should get a clue, right?

He’s a sleaze-ball. Ew. Creep, creep. Get away from us you creeper!

I noticed, however, even though that kind of teenage reaction was occurring in my thoughts, something felt off. Like I wanted him to suffer, to really understand he did the WRONG THING. You were totally out of line and inappropriate, dude!

(Not that I would ever say anything. Because. People like that aren’t rational and you can’t talk with them anyway. It’s no use. Oh yeah, I could question that.)

Oooooh. That’s some serious stressful argument going on. Wow.

Time for The Work.

He should understand he did the wrong thing.

Is it true?

Yes! Of course! How could he even think what he did was OK, or acceptable, or ? I mean, he should be ashamed of himself.

Is it absolutely true that he should understand he did the wrong thing. Are you SURE??!!

Well, no. If he knew it would create such a response, if he was a completely different person, if he knew better, if he had a alternate perspective…..he might never have done that.

And I have no idea what created his action, what he expected, what he was thinking, what he hoped for.

I just really can’t know his business, his background, his life.

Even if I’m thinking only of myself, and my own safety and comfort, I can’t know that HE should understand HE DID IT WRONG.

I notice that even though he did it wrong, I’m breathing. I haven’t seen him in a year. I haven’t heard of him making overtures to anyone else I know.

Life went on.

I also know the suffering when someone believes deeply they did indeed do something horribly wrong. They sometimes want to kill themselves. They are filled with suffering. They can’t function.

Do I want him to feel….that?

Well, I guess No.

How do I react when I think the thought “he should understand he did the wrong thing?”

Absolutely furious. I treat him like an outcast. I stay far away from him and think about what a creeper he is, and maybe talk about him to friends. Did you see him over there? Snort, laugh, make gag face.

I’m actually frightened, when I believe that thought. I’m seeing pictures of him believing he did nothing, and therefore repeating it over and over again. Like a serial killer or something.

Whew. It’s an horrendously stressful thought!

So who would I be without it? Without the thought he should understand how wrong he was, feel bad, apologize, suffer, change….all that entire story?

Who would you be without this very stressful tale?

Oh. Interesting.

This is one of those wonderings where at first, even though it’s so anxiety-riddled, I’m not sure I want to give up the thought. Because, if I give up this thought, he might be out there repeating his crime. Capable of creepy stuff AGAIN.

I must think about him and how he should be sorry and wanting to change his ways and aware he did the wrong thing.

But. What if it was safe not to have the thought? What if it didn’t mean denial, or pretending it didn’t happen. What if this question is only about noticing what it’s like when I’m not aware of the thought, when I start fresh, from the present, open to anything, clear? When I’m not freaking myself out with the terrible possibilities of what will happen next, unless he understands what he did was wrong?

What I notice is, nothing terrible has ever happened that I personally know of, with this person, ever again. Everything has been shared, and logged, by the people involved. People have the support they need.

Without the thought, I’d notice how most of the time, except when reminded the other day of this person, I don’t think about it. Ever. Without the thought is the way I usually am. It’s friendly. I’m care-free. I’m not frightened of this person.

Turning the thought around: He should NOT understand he did the wrong thing. 

How could this be just as true?

Well….when someone feels awful about something they did, as I mentioned, they might lose it, they might feel suicidal, they might be deeply depressed. I’d hate to hear about him killing himself. That’d be awful.

He also shouldn’t understand he did the wrong thing, because he’s not oriented that way. He’s got the ideas he’s got. Maybe you could call them sexist, or weird, or aggressive, or good-old-boy but that’s what he learned. He’s doing as he was taught. He’s living his way, not my way.

Turning it around again: I should understand I did the wrong thing, especially when it came to HIM.

OK. I didn’t speak up, I didn’t go to him directly, I smiled when in his presence and play-acted like everything was fine. I didn’t share my fears. I didn’t get support for myself. I stuffed things down. I gave the wrong impression. I didn’t look to myself with care, love and attention.

Which is really the best turnaround, for me, in this situation….or the most meaningful: I should understand I did the wrong thing with myself. I ignored my intuition, I laughed when afraid, I pushed the small timid part of myself away and acted strong, and unruffled. I didn’t ask…”what did you mean by that remark?” or “could you stop doing that?” or “I’m feeling very uncomfortable.”

I was so frozen with the thought that he should stop doing that, and then later that he should KNOW he did the wrong thing….

….that I never simply saw: If I’m the one seeing the dirty socks, it’s my job to pick them up. And notice I love myself when I do that, rather than resenting everyone else for being so creepy.

He doesn’t need to understand any wrong-ness about what occurred at all. Not if he doesn’t ever see it as wrong.

I’m the one who needs to see what I did, without malice or criticism to myself, or guilt or shame. This is not about piling a bunch of judgment on me.

I love how Byron Katie says “A turnaround should be a kiss, not a slap!”

I should see, with great compassion, how the whole thing went down. No one person’s fault.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Amazing to think, the only problem is here, in my own thinking about this situation.

Who would I be without fighting against reality, wishing he KNEW he did something wrong…….thinking he hurt me?

Peaceful. Free.

Now that’s worth letting go of a thought. And good news. It’s my thought, so I can do it.

Much love,

Grace

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Not trying so hard to be nice…can you just tell the truth?

Do you loooooove getting everyone’s approval? It may be more stressful than you think. Are you sure you need to be “nice”?

We’ve all heard about the concept of making amends. That it’s very beneficial, for both the person making it, and the one receiving it.

An amends is perhaps an apology, but by definition it means to make up or repair a harm done. The word literally comes from the latin “to correct” a “blemish”. To make something right.

I once took the process of making amends overboard, though.

It wasn’t truly amend-making.

There I was, very young and going to 12 Step meetings, getting a sponsor, serving as a secretary, following the program.

There was something very cathartic about writing out all the wrongs I had done to people (the fourth step process). Incidents and relationships I felt uncomfortable about.

After some contemplation, the invitation is to make amends where you recognize you need to.

The thing is, at the time I was lousy at slowing down and seeing who I really, really needed to make amends to.

(It was myself most of all).

I wrote several letters to people I’m not sure I really harmed all that much.

It’s almost like I was excited about the possibility of being forgiven, and the more people who said “you are OK, I don’t hate you, and you’re forgiven” the more I’d feel good about myself.

Which really isn’t a true amends. Begging, hoping, wishing, longing, needing someone’s approval or blessing or acceptance is definitely NOT amends.

It has to be done with zero strings attached, without expectation.

So if you have someone in your life who’s been upset, angry, or hurt by you….

…..the first step is to do The Work.

I noticed in those “amends” I made with others so long ago, these letters went off to men I had dated. I can’t even remember the details. I broke up with them, or told them I wasn’t interested, or moved away. And here I was apologizing for doing that.

My assumption was they had been hurt, and I actually didn’t even know this for sure.

Kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it again.

Even if you have someone you’re sure you broke their heart, or hurt them….check to make sure if you were doing what was right for you. Because THAT is also extremely important to remember and notice.

Now, another brilliant teaching in the middle of all this amend-making, inside The Work, is the suggestion that when a turnaround hurts…..when it feels bad….you might want to take a look with inquiry at the turnaround.

As Katie suggests….a Turnaround should feel like a “kiss” and not a “slap”. In other words, if you start punching yourself (in your mind) when you find a turnaround towards yourself, there’s a little more work to do as you notice the violent thoughts towards yourself.

So this inquiry today comes out of a thought about me, that could be a turnaround found in inquiry, but a concept I used to believe was true with a vengeance.

I hurt him (when I said no).

This doesn’t have to be with a love or romance. It can be in friendship, as a parent, with co-workers.

Maybe you were awkward and bumbled your way through it, but you said no. You really didn’t want to work for them, go out with them, hang out with them, give them the shiny toy at the check-out stand. And they appeared upset.

You hurt them….is it true?

Yes. It seems like it. They acted frustrated. They tried to get my attention again. I avoided them.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that saying “no” hurt that person?

No.

How do you react when you think that thought?

Too nice. Talking longer than I’d like to someone. Not hanging up the phone. Feeling apologetic. Nervous about hurting them.

I treat them with kid gloves. I make things light, when I’m kind of nervous about their grabbiness. I call them “needy” in my mind.

In my past, how I reacted in my youthful efforts to be sane and compulsion-free were, I started apologizing right and left and feeling ashamed of myself.

So who would you be without that story?

I’d just say no. I wouldn’t withdraw and start to feel like hiding, or worried about their continued reaction. I wouldn’t start to feel insecure about what they’re REALLY thinking. I’d go on with my day, with my life. I’d know everyone will be OK, including me. I wouldn’t obsess about whether they still liked me or not. Ugh.

Turning the thought around:

I didn’t hurt them.

How could this be just as true?

They’re breathing. They get out of bed. They go to work. They have a whole life without crossing paths with mine. They are capable humans, on their own path. If they look wounded, I can even talk with them about it, and connect and listen, without rescuing.

It was an honest “no” so ultimately how could this hurt? Even if they acted like they wanted a dishonest “yes” I’m not sure they really would. Would you?

Turning the thought around again:

I hurt myself.

Yes, I dragged the “no” on forever without speaking it. I felt so incredibly nervous about “hurting” them I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to make sure to let them down easy. It was like I agreed with them. They ARE fragile. So I MUST sacrifice.

Yikes.

Turning it around again:

They hurt me.

I don’t have to find examples, if it feels right not to….I could even question the thought (maybe I already questioned this thought). But I can also notice if I think they did hurt me, and when, and simply respond with compassion and understanding, and saying “no” if I mean it.

They’re treating me the way I treat me. I was showing them I am someone who will rescue, sacrifice, worry, assist, and believe them to be people who can’t find balance or happiness without me.

Today, my living turnaround is actually not to be apologetic, in this kind of dynamic. It doesn’t mean I’m not full of love and care for that person. I am. But I see them as strong. Able. Someone being supported by the universe, just like me. It’s not my job to make them happy and un-hurt.

Instead, my living turnaround, a way of offering amends to those people and to myself, is to see us all as powerful, creative, clear people following the paths we must follow. And saying “no” when I mean it.

“If this was their only path to God, would you take it away?” asks Byron Katie sometimes, when people are desperately concerned with someone else’s happiness.

They always answer…..”no”.

And even though it’s in someone else’s business, and I can’t really know what’s true about that person over there, and their pain and suffering….another turnaround pops in that makes sense in this case, for me at least.

They hurt themselves.

This is not said with any fault or blame whatsoever. Only noticing their angst, their fear. There that person is, believing their thoughts (if they are). Like the child at the check-out stand screaming because mom says “no” to buying the shiny thing.

They’ll get over it.

And this is very important. It’s not said with malice, wishing they would, even the slightest criticism. You can love them with a big huge heart, be with them, listen with them, adore them, care about them….and still be completely honest with what’s true for you.

“Politeness and tact are supposed to be about consideration for others. But notice how often they are really about trying to control the impression you make….Why bother with all of this complicated pretending? There is no reason. You do it because neither of you has questioned the belief that your relationship depends on playacting and couldn’t stand up to honesty….What would happen if you moved and responded with less concern about what others will think? What would it be like to live your truth without excusing, defending, explaining, or justifying your thoughts or actions to others?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love Is It True pg. 44

If you notice this as an issue, and you want to find freedom from the trap of trying to please….one way is to come do The Work. Spring Retreat is filling very fast (May 11-14) in north Seattle. Or come to Breitenbush in Oregon June 21-25.

Much love,

Grace

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When he said that….I did The Work and remembered my job: to love my thoughts.

Could he be saying what I’m already telling myself? Wow, maybe I could turn it around!

Has someone ever given you advice you didn’t ask for?

There they go, on and on telling you about their lawyer, or their vitamin plan, their stress-reduction method of inquiry (LOL), their daily exercise routine.

Recently, an inquirer told me she received the advice, for the umpteenth time….”why don’t you just stop thinking about it?!” when telling someone about her thoughts.

Well, she did say it was yet another MAN giving her advice to stop thinking about it.

So maybe a few thoughts about men and what they in particular have to say to her about “thinking”.

But let’s look at advice.

The kind where someone is making suggestions, giving you ideas, offering solutions to the problem, saying “try this!” or saying “just stop!” or getting out a piece of paper to write some important items down….

….and all you really wanted was a listener.

He shouldn’t say that. He should stop giving advice. He should listen, without problem-solving. In fact, he should stop talking. I’m outta here!

Is it true he shouldn’t be like that?

Yes! I was already annoyed, wanting to talk about a few things and shake it out a little, and he had to start asserting his opinion! So flippant! Just telling me to STOP worrying about the thing I’m worrying about? Jeez, I wish I thoughta that, what a genius!

Oh. You asked a question?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, he shouldn’t say those words? Act like that? Be that way?

No.

I can’t find that I absolutely 100% know it’s true. He’s saying words, based on his point of view. He can say whatever he wants. I really don’t know he shouldn’t say what he says. I’m not a dictator of his words. Heh heh.

So how do you react when you think someone shouldn’t say what they say? When they already said it?

It’s like a volcanic tantrum. Anger. Fury. Cut-off. Disconnect.

Some people yell back, immediately (maybe on the inside)! How dare you say that to me!?! Who do you think you are? 

But who would you be if you couldn’t think the thought, like if it couldn’t even go through your mind, that someone shouldn’t say what they said.

Because first of all, it happened. They said it.

Like so many of the events and situations that happened that we still think about and replay in our heads, and really didn’t like….

….they happened.

Now, they’re over.

So without the thought they shouldn’t have said what they did say, I notice the silence, the emptiness in that moment. I notice the words floated from that mouth into my ear, and that’s all that happened.

I love how Byron Katie once gave an example of her former husband Paul yelling at her, swearing and cussing and upset with a red face, and she listened and heard his words and asked herself silently….”yes, where the hell DO I think I’m going?” and noticed she had no idea, and that maybe it was a valid question.

Why don’t you just stop thinking about it?

Hmmm. Good question. I’ve been wondering the very same thing! For about 40 years!

Without the thought he shouldn’t say what he said, I’d have a genuine sense of humor, not that poking, mean kind. I’d hear the question, or the words, and really hear them, without offense.

I’d notice he’s trying to help, or stop my anxiety, or stop his anxiety.

I wouldn’t have to defend myself or take it personally.

Turning it around: he should say that to me. I shouldn’t say it to him (the stuff in my head I’ve been saying every since he said it). I shouldn’t say this to myself!

Ooooh, I shouldn’t say to myself “Why don’t I just stop thinking about it” (whatever IT is)?

I shouldn’t beat myself into a pulp for….thinking.

Because instead, I can notice how amazing, brilliant, prolific, wild, chaotic, exciting, crazy my thoughts are….

….and how wonderful it has become to question them! I should keep on thinking and thinking! Until I don’t!

What an amazing puzzle, a sweet adventure, a mind-blowing experience to have THOUGHT these thoughts, and yes, notice how painful many of the stories are….

….but then to open up to a new world, through The Work.

A world where I love my thinking, even if it’s very childish, even if it’s impossible (like believing someone shouldn’t have said something they ALREADY said). A world where I get really smart messages I apparently needed to hear in a different voice besides my own.

“One of the things that I understood about the thoughts appearing inside me was that I was someone to be trusted with them. I was the vessel that they could appear in and finally be met with unconditional love. The same thoughts also came to me through my children [and others]. I treated them as what they were: visiting friends, neighbors I had misunderstood, who were kind enough to knock on m door again. Everyone is welcome here.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

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Falling Into the “Have to be GOOD” Trance

Trying hard to please others? Check to see if you’re running an Identity Maintenance (Improvement) Program.

Have you ever bent over backward? Twisted yourself up into a pretzel? Over-extended yourself beyond the distant horizon? Exhausted yourself trying to please?

All in order to help someone else get comfortable, feel joyful, relax, calm down, stop suffering?

Ooooh.

There’s been a wonderful discussion and honest sharing in Year of Inquiry group for awhile about what it’s like to be giving, kind, or caring to someone….out of fear.

What does this look like or mean, exactly?

An example.

I’m reading my son’s email with information about his upcoming graduation from college in a few months. He’s surprised the family by graduation in December, rather than June. I click over to the university calendar and realize, even though it’s months away….it’s the very same weekend I’ve been set to teach a 3 day retreat out of town.

Rats.

I’m in the catalogue. People have signed up. A few are flying on airplanes to get there. I’ve planned my curriculum. Preparations have been underway.

Well, looks like I won’t be at my son’s graduation. So disappointing. My first child, my oldest.

Then, more news, about a month later.

My son’s dad has an illness and it’s progressed to the point he’s entering the hospital….He also can’t attend our son’s graduation.

Oh no!

At this additional news, I know to cancel the retreat so I can go to our son’s graduation ceremony from college.

I could question if it’s really a requirement my son have a parent at his graduation–it is not–but the retreat isn’t even that full, it’s a couple of months before the event, everyone will have enough time to re-plan alternatives.

I’ve never cancelled a retreat before (except for at the very beginning of my “career” offering The Work due to low enrollment, or more like zero enrollment).

Everyone at the retreat center is very kind and understanding. We discuss all the details. I’ll be teaching at the same conference center in the summer, so participants can be offered that one instead, or get a full refund. They’re generous and understanding. I’m relieved.

Until.

I write an email to everyone who had registered to attend.

Someone responds to my email: “We feel screwed.”

They say they’re flying from quite a distance, with non-refundable tickets. They suggest we pay for their plane tickets.

But the tone is what cuts into me–that quick rush of fear and anxiety as I read the words.

Someone is severely unhappy with me, but even worse….considers me to be “screwing” them. Ugh. Awful. I feel sick. My heart beats a little faster.

I can feel inquiry rising behind the anxious energy, sort of following it, like someone calling out in a crowd when the crowd is getting louder and louder.

“Hey! Over here! All is well, remember? Let’s take a look! Don’t jump to conclusions!”

And that voice of sanity is lost in the crowd, somewhere.

I’m forgetting the question “is it true?” It’s fading, as I focus on me-the-one-who-screws-and-disappoints-people.

I kick into gear on fixing it. I write back.

I am sooooooo sorry. I offer to come work with them privately for an evening and all day the following day for no charge. I consider paying for the tickets at what feels like a huge expense for me, so decide against it. I feel like it’s an emergency to get these disappointed people back to feeling good and hopeful.

They are grateful for the alternative private 24 hour retreat for no pay.

I sleep fitfully. I wake up thinking about what a huge hassle it will be to drive 6 hours to the retreat location, privately teach to two people for an evening and all day the next day for no income, and then drive late at night and/or early in the morning for 7.5 hours to my son’s graduation ceremony.

My husband says it’s pretty crazy.

I feel trapped. (Yes, I know–I’m the one who trapped myself).

As mentioned, it’s called twisting yourself into a pretzel to make sure those people aren’t disappointed, don’t consider you a bad person, feel happy about your kindness.

Me. Good Person Central. Right here (pointing to myself with two fingers turned at my own face). This goes on for a couple of days.

THEN I remember.

Wait. I’m in emergency management mode. Identity Management Mode. I should be the One who is GOOD. Not BAD!

Who would I be without this story, that I must be seen as a good, reliable, honest, selfless, helpful, kind, willing, generous, bending, flexible person?

Who would I be without this very painful story of needing to be “good”….in other peoples’ eyes?

But.

You mean….leave those other people with the impression I have screwed them? Not clean it up completely? Don’t they have to like me? Isn’t it horrible if they don’t?

No.

Without this very painful story in my relationships in my life (and in this one, in this situation), I would be so much more free to move where I needed to move, make honest decisions, follow the simple directions, and never worry or lose any sleep over what someone else thought of me. I wouldn’t over-give. I wouldn’t sacrifice.

I would stay in my own integrity. I would save a lot of time. I wouldn’t start promising things I didn’t mean, or weren’t really able to do, or weren’t actually interested in.

I’d be more direct, less careful.

Turning the thought around: It is not horrible if someone thinks I screwed them. It is OK if someone doesn’t like me, or considers me to be unreliable, or disappointing. Or doesn’t like something I do, or change, or give.

Could this be just as true?

Phew.

I suddenly realize I’m engaged in that Ego Maintenance Program, again. Trying so very hard to do it the “right” way. Not trusting the process. Not allowing Reality to handle this situation.

How is it just as true, or even truer, that someone thinks poorly of me?

I have no idea what’s in their better interest, or what they need. As a very wise mentor said to me, people get exactly what they need. Trust and let go.

Turning it around again: it is horrible if I think I screwed someone, or I did it wrong.

True. I just about had a heart attack because I agreed I was the one who did it badly, made a mistake, hurt someone, didn’t measure up. It didn’t work out so well for me, and ultimately not for them, either.

A final turnaround: it’s horrible if I think THEY screwed me, they did it wrong, they over-reacted.

So true. I reacted with great seriousness, I joined right in to the story of needing to help them and fix their upset, caring deeply about someone’s opinion, getting into their business, believing in their desperation.

There was no one home. Everyone in that scenario (in my head) was believing the world was disappointing, that the world is not a friendly place in that particular story.

A story in which Reality is a place where you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to keep peace. You have to go through pain and suffering in order to find solutions. You get tricked or mistaken and it’s hard. You don’t get what you really want or need, or someone else doesn’t. You can do it wrong and hurt other people.

Wow.

What a dreadful story to believe.

And all that really happened was: people expressed in writing how much they cared, how much they loved. They were honest and passionate. They were so kind as to share with me how they were feeling and to ask for what they wanted, speak what they were looking for, be REAL (unlike me, in that situation).

They were showing me what I needed to take in, deeply and simply.

“I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or on anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

I don’t want to convert anyone into loving, appreciating or approving of me. I don’t want to help or change or improve anyone else.

Those dear people-who-didn’t-attend-the-canceled-retreat let me find the way to this gentler reality. Brilliant teachers. Honestly themselves. Showing me what I am not responsible for, and what they are equally not responsible for.

The way the story continued?

My husband made a few calls to management of the airlines, waited on hold, gave medical information about the father of my son, and arranged for full credit for the airfare with no penalty for the people.

The graduation was beautiful.

And I learned how I am not required to fret, worry, change, bend over backwards, say yes when it’s a sacrifice, twist myself, over-extend, give too much….

….to be safe from the terrible risk of being considered a bad person…..by me.

Not possible.

And if I think it is…..The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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I’d be happier if I was like her: the inquiry

bluetaoYesterday, in Grace Notes here I shared an example of writing a worksheet on a moment where you’re looking at someone else….

….and feeling like they are so awesome, and you are a peon.

They are a Rock Star in your particular dream. It doesn’t mean they are an actual rock star, your R.S. might be the Queen of England, or the woman who started a plumbing company.

But this sinking feeling that they’re completely rocking the proverbial stadium….

….and you? Not so much.

Now what’s up with that?

Comparison Devil on the rampage!

And oh so helpful to tap into your inner teenager or child self that feels like a tiny insignificant potato, and allow yourself to download the thoughts on paper that feel so stressful.

Just beginning the process with sincerity, actually listening to the part of you that feels bad, is a powerful exercise in clarity.

Let’s dig into a thought that appeared on my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from yesterday: she’s better than me. (And if you missed the Grace Note I shared, it’s right on the Grace Notes tab at www.workwithgrace.com where these all show up to refer back to any time).

What does this mean, though, about me, in this particular Rock Star Over There situation?

Because there are a gazillion people better than me at many things, but I’m not stressed out about it: Chess players, presidents of big organizations, tennis players, golf pros, chefs, real estate brokers, CEOs, sailing champions, cancer researchers, farmers, builders, charity fundraisers.

All wildly beyond me in skill and practice. I don’t even know how to play chess.

But my level of stress about it?

Zero.

I notice, the Comparison Devil comes along when something about that other successful person interests me. A deep, personal interest. Something perhaps I’ve dreamed of myself. Something I’ve longed for.

Something I want.

I believe, over there, that person is successful and happy. And I myself am suddenly NOT.

I’d be happier if I was like THAT (pick your ideal image).

People do this kind of thinking all the time when it comes to body image. I’d be happy if I were thin….like him, like her. I can’t get there, though. So therefore….I’m not happy now.

In my situation where I was looking all of the sudden through Comparison Glasses, I saw her as gorgeously dressed in tasteful clothing I assumed to be expensive, and I saw her as unafraid to be on stage, a peak performer in business and motivational change, raking in tons of money for her creative work.

Yikes. (How embarrassing).

Let’s inquire.

I’d be happier if I was like THAT (in my situation, a self-made multi-millionaire).

Is it true?

DUH.

Of course it’s true!!

I know, I know. It was a very, very quick answer. It’s never occurred to me it wouldn’t provide immense happiness to be a self-made author/speaker type millionaire person.

But can I absolutely know this would bring happiness?

LOL.

No.

I’d still have me, myself and I here in my living room whether I had $6 in the bank or $6 billion. I’ve also met several very wealthy people who were not happy in the least. It SEEMS like it’d be safer, or more relaxing, or easier, or make for less work, and bring pride, joy and excitement….but I have no idea if the money would be creating the happiness, or my thinking.

OK FINE! I already know the thoughts, or their absence, create happiness, not the money.

So…no. I can’t know it’s true that if I had what she has, I’d be happy.

How do I react when I believe she’s so brilliant and I’m unaccomplished by comparison?

Sad.

Hopeless even.

I don’t want to keep hanging out in her presence. I want to get away. I want to give up. I say “screw it” about my own interests or goals. I treat myself like I’m unimportant, or worthy of abandoning.

So who would you be without this really difficult stressful story?

Without the belief if I had that over there, I’d be happier? Without thinking if I was more physically fit, taller, lankier, elegant, wealthy, poised, articulate, strong, good at negotiation, funny like that….

….I’d be happier?

Some people wish they were younger, more beautiful or handsome, joyful, adventurous, or they were married or partnered.

What if it couldn’t cross your mind that having that would make things better?

Phew. Wow.

That’s amazing to be without that belief, even for a second.

What if what YOU are is the most perfect, brilliant, genius, and beautiful way you could possibly be for your place in reality?

What if there were stunning advantages for being you, and no one else, that haven’t even occurred to you?

Turning the thought around: I would be happier….if I were me, in this moment, in this situation. This age, this income, this appearance, these old worn jeans, these converse tennis shoes, this hair, this quietness, this introversion, this heart.

I’m in the audience. It’s fun down here. I get to watch and sit in the darker place. I’m not in the spot light. I don’t have to deal with adrenaline. I have very few expenses. I’m content with staying put. I love that I’m never leaving my little cottage (as far as I know) and have lived now in the same place for ten years–and that’s the longest I’ve ever lived in one home. Ever.

I like my shoes. I like things being comfortable. I like moving along the timeline of life. I don’t want to live forever on planet earth, I want to move to the next adventure just like everyone else, when it’s time. I love the wisdom and peacefulness of getting a little older and wiser. I love approaching the highly respected position of “elder” in my community (still a few years away perhaps, but on my way).

Turning it around again: I’m happy enjoying this other person. I see them, through my eyes, as exciting, wonderful, normal, fun, human, inspirational, providing service, being real. Seeing her reminds me of what I love about human success and achievement. Incredible.

Can you think of advantages for you being you, in your position….and that other person being them, in their position….and how perfect it is in reality?

What is really, deeply important about being who and where you are in life?

I am willing to be this, who I am, shining my own light just the way it is….nothing more or less.

I look forward to being this, and seeing where this goes.

Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Reality rules. It’s the biggest Rock Star of them all.

“If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job. Then let go.” ~ Tao Te Ching #24

Much love,

Grace

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She’s so much better than me

comparison
Look what she has, that I don’t have. This is awful.

Compared to her, or him…..you really aren’t in the game. Not a contender. Not measuring up. Not even sitting at the table. 

I mean, did you see this other amazing person??! 

She/he is so incredible, off the charts, out of the ballpark, beyond brilliance. You don’t even have a single chance.

Um. Hello. (Waving hand in front of your face). Hello? Hello?

Oh, for a second I thought you were unconscious!

As in….you were very lost in feeling less-than (or like a piece of dung, to put it more viscerally) as you gazed upon this other person who is a genius, and gorgeous, and successful, and wealthy, and succeeding in every way possible.

What was up with that?

Why did you start comparing yourself so critically? And put yourself in the lower-than-jello type position? What happened there?

The reason I can see when someone is doing this, when they use comparison language or talk about themselves poorly….

…is because I’ve done it myself.

It happened not long ago, and it wasn’t the first time.

I’m a member of an audience. We’re talking and all abuzz, waiting for our idol (er, I mean mentor) to come on stage to give a speech.

She walks down the aisle right past me to the left, greeting people fairly quickly, smiling. She is more beautiful in person than online where I’ve seen her many times on camera and video. She’s vibrant, shaking a few peoples’ hands, running up to the stage, laughing.

I have a sinking feeling, rather than a full, uplifted feeling.

I am Not Her. Nothing like her. Never will be.

Blech.

Oh. I almost forgot. There’s The Work.

I should just do The Work on myself and what a loser I am, what a dork, what a failure, someone who never gets to that other high level.

Um.

The thing is. When you have this voice running (which so many of us seem to do) that same voice will direct you to do The Work on yourself, so you get fixed ASAP.

Even in this situation, I’ve found it to bring more clarity and freeing results to still look at that other person, who happens to be better than me this time, and write down all my thoughts.

I am upset (envious, jealous, afraid) in this situation because she is so far beyond me in success, it’s overwhelming.

Keep writing out your JYN. Write on that genius of a person, not you, who is doing it right.

How do you want her to change? Maybe pay close personal attention to you? See what you might demand about this person, if you had your way? How could she help you fix your inadequate feelings inside?

Be ridiculous, petty, childish.

What do you advise for her? What should she do? What shouldn’t she do?

Again, be unedited in your writing.

She should take me under her wing and show me exactly how to become as successful as her. She should tell me all about her life. She should be my good friend. She shouldn’t ignore me. She should show me she’s human.

In order to be happy, I need her to….what? What do you need her to do, say, think, feel in your presence so that you feel happy instead of frightened, or envious?

I need her to consult me for wisdom, to connect with me, to tell me her secrets, to tell me about how her mind works, to invite me over for dinner. I need her to ask me questions. I need her to be curious and intrigued with me.

She is bright, funny, clever, gorgeous, wealthy, successful beyond my wildest dreams, perfect.

I don’t ever want her to make me feel like success is not for me, impossible and out of reach by comparison.

Oooh.

That’s kind of an embarrassing worksheet to share.

All the more reason to actually share it.

This worksheet is one you can write when you want to attack yourself for being worse, lousy, inadequate, wrong.

Instead of beating yourself to a pulp on paper, look out there at that other incredible person you find is doing it in the best way possible. The one who is not you. The opposite of you, perhaps.

Allow your mind to go nuts on paper as you gaze upon this person who is so fabulous (vs the usual JYN full of mean thoughts about someone else). This is just the other side of the same coin, only you are the one in the low position this time.

Many of us start to tell this story….

….and it’s a great one to question.

We do The Work on it in the next Grace Note, and see what happens.

Much love,

Grace