Long ago, I was given a book called “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”.
What an cool title.
And what a difficult thing to actually experience.
You mean….even if you knew me and you didn’t like what you saw, or felt, or knew about my thoughts, it’s none of my business? You mean, you can go on doing whatever you’re doing over there, and I don’t need to respond or pay attention to every nuance or tone of your voice? You mean, I don’t have to be hyper-alert to everything you do?
But! I’m worried about hurting your feelings, or you being mean to me, or you abandoning me! I’m worried about doing it wrong, or screwing up, or making a mistake.
In fact, I think it WILL be a mistake if you’re disturbed by something I say, do, feel, show, think.
So I better keep it on the low down! I better be very quiet, hide it, act like I’m nice even if I don’t feel nice.
Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll ACT like I’m fine, comfortable, non-judgmental….even if I am NOT fine, uncomfortable and very judgmental.
Ouch.
The thing is, when you try to hide the truth of what you’re honestly feeling and thinking, you will likely begin to feel like over-eating, or eating for comfort or distraction, rather than eating for fuel.
Which isn’t fun.
There may be a bump in the road to learn, and it’s called Being Honest.
Who would you be without the belief that you actually need to hide your true thoughts in order to be safe, secure, comfortable, or happy?
It’s not easy, but you may find, it’s worth it. Because when you tell the truth, without shame, and with the desire for connection and honesty with another….
….you’ll likely find you don’t want to eat for emotional reasons anymore.
THAT makes it worth it.
Watch here for insight on being yourself, in the presence of other people:
In Year of Inquiry group we’re in our 8th month, and I’m loving the worksheets and thoughts members of the group are bringing to our sessions for inquiry. It just gets deeper and everyone’s insights are so beautiful.
Yesterday, we looked at a powerful moment, listening to one inquirer’s worksheet, but following along within, finding our own experience of the same thought she brought to the group:
“I want mom to make it easier for me!”
Has there ever been someone in your life you wish would just make things easier?
I mean, ai-yi-yi(!)
Why so much torture, suffering, irritation, anxiety, or sadness with that person? (And if it’s mom, this the longest relationship I’ve ever had with anyone-whether mom is living or died a long time ago. So why can’t my relationship with her go easier? Come ON!)
And OK OK, I know I have to work on myself to not react so quickly, but can’t they just try to (fill in the blank)?
Can’t they say kind words? Can’t they call me or email me or text me back? Can’t they stop being so demanding? Can’t they quit criticizing me? Can’t they clean up their mess?
IS IT SOOOO HARD?!
Even if you think it’s absolutely true that you want that person to make it easier for you….
….it’s still very valuable taking this stressful belief through self-inquiry (which is what we found during the group Year of Inquiry call).
How do you react when you believe you want that person to make it easier? What happens?
What would you have, if you got this easier lightness, instead of the hard way they always do it?
I know someone who cut me off once, after a close intimate friendship had formed. No communication, no response, no direct explanation, lots of confusion. I still think about her regularly, and it feels sad. I love her, she was a great friend.
She really could make it easier if she sent me a note, or called me and left a message, or reached out even the tiniest bit. I wouldn’t be left with a feeling of grief and foreboding, or dread and disappointment.
I wouldn’t be left alone with my own thoughts over here. I’d feel more connected. I’d feel love. Not anger. I’d have some peace, when it comes to her and everything that went down.
If only she could make it a little easier….I’d feel relief! I’d feel innocent! I’d feel open! I’d feel loved!
But am I sure I couldn’t feel these things now? Am I sure I want her to make it easier, so I can feel these better feelings? Am I sure her making it easier is possible, or required, for me to feel happy?
Well….no. I guess not.
FINE.
Who would I be without the belief I want her to make it easier for me?
Hmmm. I’d notice how it’s fairly easy already. I never make contact with her and she’s not in my life, only in my thoughts. I actually go many days without having her cross my mind, ever.
Without the thought I want her to make it easier, I notice what’s easy here, already, about this relationship. I notice what’s easy about this moment, even if there are thoughts about this “difficult” person.
Turning this thought around: I want ME to make it easier for me (especially when it comes to this person).
How could this be just as true, or truer.
Well, the things I’ve wound up making easier for myself, without the help of others, have been amazing learning experiences. I do want to ease up on my own mental criticism, expectations of life and mothers and other people, and most of all, expectations of me that are practically beyond human.
It’s of great value for me to be in the presence of anyone, including those hard-to-be-with people, and feel OK. I love questioning my thoughts. I love finding out what I thought was true, is not.
Turning the thought around again: I want me to make it easier for her.
Ooooh. Wait. Yes I do. I want to touch everyone in this world with clarity, trust and love. If I make even the tiniest difference, I feel grateful. If I can make it easier for someone like even my mother, or my friend I mentioned who supposedly cut me off…great. And, I see it’s also not required. What a relief.
Finally, this mind-stopping turnaround: I do NOT want her to make it easier for me.
Holy smokes…really? Because….
Stop. Don’t go into justification, explanation, telling your story about if only she would make it easier, blah blah blah. Just consider how this turnaround might be just as true, or truer that her making it easier is NOT necessary here.
Well. I signed up for the Olympics of internal freedom and happiness. What does it take for me to find peace in the presence of anything and anyone? What does it take for my own enlightenment.
I’m interested in that. No matter how hard.
Another inquirer said to me today she notices great learning comes most often from friction. Heat is created out of movement. From energy to fire to suffering to questioning to peace.
I also see how the toughest things in life, I wouldn’t erase from my experience. How do I know those hard times, difficult moments, and people who dish up stress for me, aren’t my greatest teachers in the world? So far, they have been.
Who would I be without the story that I want anything to be easier than it’s been?
Willing. Surrendered. Caring. Loving. Grateful.
Wow.
“There’s nothing out there that can oppose you. There is just fluid motion, like the wind. You attach a story to what you perceive, and that story is your suffering. I am everything that I have ever called other people; they were me all along. Everything I ever called my enemy was me….All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg 230
Still some space in the May retreat for commuters only. We’re almost full, but if you’re considering, there’s still room. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals through Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work. May 11-14.
Breitenbush is starting to fill and this is one where the choice housing sells out fast (little gorgeous private cabins). Read about it HERE. Only one more month for early bird rate. (27 CEUs). June 21-25.
Being With Byron Katie July 8-11 on north Capitol Hill heart-of-Seattle private little home. 4 bedrooms, big kitchen, and simple large living room with excellent seating. Bedrooms available for those who wish to stay overnight (very low price compared to alternatives). Total silence for 4 days onsite, with two 3-hour sessions of streaming Byron Katie live to us from Switzerland. Only $185, probably the most inexpensive way possible to spend time with Byron Katie. 24 CEs for Certification Candidates in Institute for The Work. “The highlight of my entire year” ~ Summer 2016 participant.
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Do you see yourself as the victim of a circumstance or situation or an interaction with someone?
Even the teensiest tiniest bit?
Because I’ve found, when I feel this way even just a wee smidgeon, the mind will take off so fast on how that person, or reality and life itself, Done Me Wrong.
Seriously, did you hear what she said? Oh, and that’s nothing. One time a man I know hurt me by….And then there was the time I broke my leg, hurt my back, got yelled at….Oh and also she betrayed me, it was terrible.
The mind kicks in with a story (or now that you’re asking, 100 stories) and goes from zero to 260 miles per hour in 4 seconds flat on how terrible, awful, horrible it was and I’m still getting over it today. It sets records with stories of being a victim and that person doing you wrong.
At least, that’s how my mind has run.
It’s not easy. And it can be incredibly frightening.
You see how you were hurt. Maybe over and over again, like some kind of weird recording loop getting stuck and playing repeatedly. A haunted house.
We’ll say to ourselves DO NOT THINK ABOUT THAT…MOVE ON!!
But no.
It’s right here in my consciousness, in my psyche. I’m thinking about it when awake at night.
I’ve received a few emails and had some individual sessions lately with beautiful inquirers who were really, really afraid and have experienced some pretty intense trauma in the past.
Can you do The Work on these dreadful situations? But they’re so frightening! How could asking four questions handle that heart-wrenching experience?
The astonishing thing is….I’ve found The Work CAN handle these experiences.
I mean, what else really is the problem except my thinking about it?
Because the event, the person, the situation, the circumstance….
….is actually over right now, in this present moment.
If you have trouble even thinking about going back to the difficulty, the pain, the terror, the trauma….here’s one thought you can question right now:
“I can’t handle this!”
People come with this thought in the eating peace program about a moment of compulsion all the time, but really it arises for many in all kinds of situations.
I can’t handle this feeling, this memory, this awareness, this incident, this image, this experience. I seriously Can’t Handle It. Don’t make me!
So before we even start questioning the thoughts about who did it and what happened and what you believe about what happened, if you notice great fear rising up about even doing The Work on something….let’s do The Work on this first thought, OK?
You can’t handle it.
Is it true?
Yes. This ruins my whole day. I just want to be over it, and never think about it again. I’m making myself sick about this. I HATE this memory. I want it to turn OFF. PLEASE. I’m getting tortured here. I really can’t handle it!!!!!!!!!
(Lots of exclamation points).
But can you absolutely know this is true that you can’t handle it?
Look around.
Where are you?
Are you being held up by the ground, the floor, a chair, a bed perhaps? Are you breathing, even if you think you can’t breathe?
I can’t know it’s absolutely true. I notice I’m handling it, even if it barely feels like it. Even if I’m scared to death.
How do you react when you believe you can’t handle it?
Totally freaking out.
Body full of resistance and tightness. Resentful. Defensive. Anxious.
So who would you be without the belief you can’t handle this?
Here you are in this situation: human remembering a painful event. Full of feelings. Flooded. Paralyzed (you think). But entirely without the thought you can’t handle it.
I know it isn’t comfortable.
This isn’t the blissful experience of being without thought.
Notice what’s actually true, though. Even if you have a nervous breakdown (or you could call it a huge crack and shift of consciousness). What I notice is you CAN handle it.
You already ARE handling it. You HAVE handled it.
Here’s a way that’s worked for me, to be with this wondering of who you are without your belief you can’t handle it: imagine your left elbow or your pinkie finger, or your skin.
These parts of you as a living entity handled it. You weren’t running, or needing to control, or being the manager of your pinkie finger and whether or not it could handle it. Maybe you aren’t running your mind either, as it dives off the diving board into fear. It’s just being itself, trying to protect and make sense of something.
The same mind can answer questions….it LOVES questions. It loves getting simpler, and finding answers.
You CAN handle your feelings.
What if they are here to help out? What if they’re suggesting you have some brilliantly powerful work to do?
Turning it around:
It can’t handle me.
How could this be as true, or truer?
“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in form that we haven’t understood yet. And questioning the mind allows beliefs to simply arise. The quiet mind realizes that no belief is true, it is immovable in that, so there’s no belief it can attach to. It’s comfortable with them all….Projection would have us see reality as a ‘them’ and a ‘me’, but reality is much kinder….If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 230
That thing I perceive as so traumatic? It can’t handle whatever this “me” is. This me is vast and expansive. This me is mind and thought, life force, presence, awareness. This me is consciousness, being human. Undefinable really. Mysterious.
The thoughts are puffs of smoke like those little exploding mushrooms in nature. Poof.
If I looked into a basket of my thoughts about that terrible trauma, I’d see air. Nothing. It’s all flashing images of a magnificent creative mind, re-member-ing. Attempting to tie things together, that aren’t actually together.
It’s OK that this mind tries to make sense. The mind itself is also not the enemy. It is a friend, bringing an offering, for inquiry.
Sure, most of us have had that feeling or experience.
Someone did something, or appeared dangerous. Someone freaked us out in the past.
We feel stress, so we think “I need to do The Work on that person” and we do The Work on them…..and maybe feel lighter, more comfortable, and more aware of all that went down back then in that relationship.
But then what?
Should you call them up and explain your insights? Should you reconnect and share your part?
What if you’re not all that excited about getting together with that ex, or what if it’s not really appropriate to make contact, or what if they did something so crazy and confusing it would be weird or risky for you?
I had someone very, very close to me once make an anonymous secretive false legal complaint about me, reporting me to my state Department of Health.
It was magnificent for The Work. Such stress, pain, betrayal, fear, shock, worry.
As I questioned my mind, I understood she was doing the best she could with the information she had. It was so shocking, I never guessed it was her until several puzzle pieces came together and I practically gasped out loud and put my hand over my mouth when I realized who had done it.
I went deeply into The Work.
After working many of my thoughts like “she’s insane, she’s mentally ill, she betrayed me, she hurt me, she is dangerous” and many more…..
….I could see with crystal clarity that it was no one’s fault, and what a strange way for life to unfold, but not so bad truly. I learned so much, and came out better after the whole affair than before I went in. The whole thing was dismissed as it should have been, and nothing more was required.
But I had a letter prepared to send, even before it was all over.
Something felt off, though, as I read and re-read what I wrote.
I sent the letter to two of my closest friends, and my mother. And then, an important mentor I consulted about the situation said “do not contact her, this is not someone to approach, and there’s no reason to do so.”
I just knew he was right. And I still had one important leftover, raw, burdensome belief to question, underneath the anger and confusion towards this woman:
I need her to love me again.
It’s like some part of me just hated a person being out there thinking poorly of me.
Very sneaky little ego-ish thought.
Because, is it true? Do I need everyone to love me?
No.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
I reach out, I act very very kind or nice in an effort to manipulate someone’s perception of me, I bend over backwards, I twist myself into a pretzel, I pretend I care, I pretend I’m more loving than I actually am.
I write amends letters that aren’t genuine and shouldn’t be sent, trying to find resolve and forgiveness through begging, sharing, praising. I am not detached from the outcome.
Who would I be without this story, that she needs to love me again, and I could make that happen?
Phew. So relieved.
Knowing I will be open if she ever contacts me. Remembering and finding examples of how much I loved her, and our time together, and finding even now respect for her courage and passion to set that whole process in motion.
Turning the belief around: I do not need her love. I need my own, for myself, for the world and for reality (which included a friend sending a legal complaint). I really do see how safe I was the entire time, and supported, and encouraged like a little bird getting pushed out of the nest to grow. For this, I am actually grateful to that friend. Amazing.
Turning it around again: she needs my love. I see how true that was, when we were friends. I withheld, I wasn’t completely honest, I put the brakes on meeting times with my extreme introversion. It wasn’t the best match in the world for friendship.
Maybe I’ll send a letter, it feels like it’s getting closer to being a very clear, sincere act of integrity without an underlying need for love—but for now the greatest right action in this situation is peace and quiet.
“Let’s say I do The Work on someone, and then I’m invited by [them] and it’s authentic. I read the invitation and I feel the love for them…but if I know I don’t want to be with them, I say no. I have a right to live my life more productively than with people I don’t want to be with. I just simply prefer vanilla over chocolate. I’m so clear with it. No guilt. I feel a connection with the people in my world. But I’m free to say yes-no-yes-yes-no. I answer out of my own authentic experience. I’m clear.” ~ Byron Katie
It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!
Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.
One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.
Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.
Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.
So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?
The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?
The Work.
Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.
What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.
In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.
And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.
What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.
Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.
But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?
Wait….WHAT???!!!
I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.
I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.
In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.
Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?
How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?
It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.
Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.
Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?
WOWSER!
You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?
Yes.
Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.
Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.
Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.
Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?
“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.
I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.
But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.
The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.
Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.
I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.
Love is here now. And now.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
So let’s question our unhappy thoughts.
Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the worst situation you ever had with that person when they didn’t like your answer, or you didn’t like theirs.
Take the thoughts through the four questions.
Now that’s something to say YES to.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. three commuter spots available for Spring Cleaning Retreat. Stay nearby in your own cozy AirBnB or hotel room, or commute from your home. May 11-14. Let’s do The Work.
You have to, must, ought to, should. Who would you be without this violent story?
Well for some reason beyond me a new Peace Talk podcast has just emerged. Peace Talk is a short (10ish mins) podcast on inquiry, and the joy of questioning pain and suffering.
The thought I’m sharing, so very worth questioning?
I HAVE TO…(work, be nice, give, say yes, leave, stay, lose weight)!!
Such a difficult belief!
People think this all the time and it fills them with dread, anxiety, fury, even rage.
I have to go to my stupid job, I have to lose weight, I have to quit smoking, I have to clean this mess, I have to figure out my relationship status, I have to go away, I have to take care of him, I have to find my keys.
Is it actually true, that you have to do this in order to be happy?
Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we were looking closely. One of our group members was answering the four questions (although everyone is always doing The Work right alongside whoever’s talking, it’s a shared group call in inquiry).
Her feeling was that she HAD to lose weight and get to the weight she has in her mind that she knows will make her happy. She was happy once before at that weight.
You might have this about something else having to do with the body. If only I looked younger, didn’t have this illness, didn’t have this injury.
Or what about working? I used to think non-stop about career, job and money that the only way to make it happen was to suffer and get to the office every day. No creativity, no power, no contribution…just do what they say.
You have to.
But are you sure?
Do you really absolutely have to, to achieve happiness? Are you being forced? Are you like a prisoner, trapped in this dynamic?
No.
How do you react when you think you HAVE TO?
I resent. I fume. I feel I will need to sacrifice in order to get happiness. I can’t be relaxed, peaceful, clear and totally free. Freedom is nowhere in sight. I’m stuck.
Who would you be if you really did not have this thought?
This is an incredible thought to question. What if you never thought “I have to…..” with any stress, concern, anxiety, or resentment?
I notice I don’t ever have the thought “I have to breathe” during any day. Yet I do have to, in order to stay alive. But I’m not concerned.
Only if I feel a threat to getting air and breathing would I ever have the idea that I HAVE TO breathe (and I could question that).
So it feels to me like this have-to thought enters the mind when there’s concern for survival. I am threatened in some way, so I think I have to do something, because otherwise….no safety. I’ll lose something, I’ll suffer, I’ll hurt, I’ll die.
But what if we really didn’t have the thought in a backdrop of needing to survive, or be protected or safe?
What if it wasn’t a HAVE TO like someone yelling at you in an emergency?
I look around in this moment, listening, feeling this room, feeling the life force living me. No need to do anything, even though I am noticing the clock and realize I will leave in a car soon to go dance. I don’t have to, though.
I notice with my body, I don’t have to eat the “correct” way OR eat an off-balance way. I don’t have to smoke, or ingest something. I don’t have to get up out of the chair.
I can wait.
I can take the easy way, the way where “I” do not have to do anything all by myself but instead the universe/reality and I are together in this deal.
‘I have to go to the bathroom’ is not a stressful thought if I’m happy about where this bathroom thing might lead. Do I ask someone where the bathrooms are? Will I walk several blocks to find a bathroom? Will I feel the sensation of bladder filling up and follow the simple directions?
What if going to work, losing weight, responding to someone’s request, being free is a matter of following the simple directions? No making this so stressful and complicated, or feeling like a victim in the middle of a huge oppressive world?
I do not HAVE TO.
My thinking “has to”….work, lose weight, stop smoking, leave, stay (fill in the blank of the thing you believe you have to do).
“If it hurts, it’s your thinking that’s hurting you. Nothing else is possible. In my experience, there’s no exception to this. I am responsible for my own freedom, totally.” ~ Byron Katie
Could that other person be so upsetting…because a part of you is just like them? Are you sure they aren’t spiritual?
The other day, while driving along in silence, I suddenly remembered an old conversation with an acquaintance.
Funny how that happens sometimes in your car, or perhaps when you’re somehow required to wait or on the road traveling and getting the body from Point A to Point B. Your mind gets to wander and travel a little, too. You have free-floating memories and images ticker-tape by.
This old friend had said, in response to a conversation about being on a journey of awakening “I’ve been at this a long time.” He implied he knows a LOT. He sounded like he thought of himself as further along than other folks asking questions in satsang (group gatherings in meditation practice with a teacher). He didn’t really need to be there, he said, it was just amusing to him to get new material from the words the teacher used.
As I recalled the conversation, the thought went through my head “what a big ego that guy had!”
Have you ever thought someone had a big fat ego?
Let’s do The Work today on someone you’ve known, ever in your life (yes, THAT person) who was so full of themselves, thought they were such a genius at some topic.
Maybe a boss, or a leader you encountered. Perhaps a family member. I remember students sharing this thought about certain professors. I’ve heard this quite a bit from people in the political scene lately. Ahem.
In my case of remembering, how funny that I could find someone was an egotistical know-it-all on Spiritual Enlightenment.
Hmmm, now that I think about it, I’ve had this exact same thought on more than one person.
Interesting. Because when I discover I’ve judged more than one person for the same type of displeasing quality (according to me) then I know I definitely need to do The Work.
And ONE person with a disturbing quality is enough.
So let’s go.
He is such an egomaniac. He thinks he’s so ultra-spiritual. He should have some humility, instead of thinking he’s better than others. Jeez! He should quit advising people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What a loser.
Yes, my thoughts running through were that mean.
And no, don’t start turning it around immediately to yourself and thinking you know where this is going. That’s such a good ploy for the mind to use to get you off track. It’s not The Work.
We need to break it down, slowly.
(Even slower than this Grace Note. To really dig into this thought that someone else is too full of themselves, you’d do The Work thoroughly one thought at a time!)
So, is it true they’re over-the-top big ego, when it comes to this topic (in my case, spiritual awareness)?
Yes!
I mean, look at him. He used to be a drug addict. Now, he’s all Mr. Peaceful trying to start a business as a spiritual advisor. Seriously?? He doesn’t listen to anyone (including me)….He’s way too needy. He acts like a jerk, he….
Um, just a sec. When you start justifying, explaining, pointing things out, telling stories about this person, you aren’t actually answering the question. The question is: “Is it true, what you believe about this person and their ego?”
Sigh.
No.
I don’t even know him very well.
Even if you say “yes” to this question, notice, and keep going.
Next question: How do you react when you think this is true about this person, that they’re an egomaniac?
Terrified! Angry! Enraged! Planning how to avoid them, or hoping something happens to them to take them down a notch. Yikes. it’s mean, vengeful, victim-y. I’m definitely disgusted, and At War with this person and their apparent “ego” and their words and mannerisms. I complain about them in my head, or talk about them to other people.
So who would you be without this very stressful story? Seriously, what if you couldn’t even have the thought that this person is a jerkish loser who has worthless advice for everyone and isn’t as smart or right as he says he is?
Huh.
Hold still and think about it for a minute.
This person, who you’ve raved about because they’ve got such a gigantic ego….what if you couldn’t have such thoughts about them? How would it feel?
More relaxed, for sure.
Suddenly, I’m aware at all the intense raging energy I put on that person. Like he’s soooo bad, it ruined my day. And how, without that energy and that feeling, my experience of him would be much kinder, less serious, more can-do, to be honest.
I see he’s just talking. He’s participating. He’s having a conversation. He’s saying what feels right to him in the moment. He’s very, very interested in this topic. He’s done a lot to get to the place he’s gotten.
Have I?
I don’t have to agree with him, but I can regard him without my thoughts of vicious judgment towards him. I can notice that here in my car, all is quiet, and quite spacious, and my life is not very impacted by this other guy’s commentary or activities.
But even if your life IS impacted by someone you think of as having a massively huge ego the size of Montana….what would it be like to be in their presence without thinking you’re in a war against them? Without the belief they’re SO WRONG you’re ready to have a fit like a Tazmanian Devil?
Wow, I’d be lighter. I’d feel more excited about taking true action. I might make a few phone calls.
Turning the thoughts around: He is NOT an egomaniac, he’s humble, maybe even insecure. He does NOT think he’s ultra-spiritual. He never said anything about being better than others. He should advise people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He knows what he’s talking about. What a winner.
Hmmm. How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, all he really said in that conversation long ago was that he couldn’t relate to most of the other people attending the retreat we were on. He actually said he’d like to go to another retreat, so he didn’t say he was no longer interested in this topic and had no need for outside information. He didn’t say he knew everything, or MORE than others. He never used those words.
He got completely clean from drugs (winner). He helped out his family when his mom got sick. He gave free labor to the mother of his kid when he couldn’t give her money. He’s slowly pulled himself back on his feet. He probably SHOULD advise people on mental health issues, especially those about addiction recovery.
Can you find evidence for this turnaround for the person you’re thinking of? This is a powerful exercise. Because….how would you really know all the details to be able to make a perfect, full, complete assessment of this person’s behavior? I sure didn’t at the time.
“Argue with reality, and you lose. But only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning the thought around again, all to myself (instead of this person I’m projecting all over): I am an egomaniac. I think I am ultra-spiritual. I should have some humility, instead of thinking I’m better than this guy, or better than myself. Jeez! I should quit advising people (including him) on spiritual or mental-health related topics. I don’t know what I’m talking about. What a loser.
Now, I know you’re aware these turnarounds to the self should be a kiss, not a slap. This is important! Otherwise, you start getting into a sort of negative egomania, which is just as troubling (maybe worse) than the positive egomania.
So what are some examples? How could this turnaround be true?
For one thing, in the moment I’m flashing about this man and his inadequacy, I’m getting worked up into a frenzy that’s neither necessary, or helpful. I’m in favor of non-violence. Including in my mind. And yet, seem to be thinking violently.
I could adopt a little humility. Here I am trying to be ultra-spiritual and all-accepting, acting nicey-nice when actually at the time, I might have had a more honest real conversation with the man, asking him questions, finding out about what makes him tick, being curious about what he meant when he said certain things.
And it’s completely true that I shouldn’t advise anyone on matters of spirituality or mental health. They can find their own answers. I especially shouldn’t advise this guy–why can I tell him to stop giving advice when it’s OK for me to give it to him?
I should stop advising myself, too, while I’m at it. I’ve always got ideas like “meditate for an extra hour!” or “go to India!” and thinking God is going to be louder or more present if I do MORE or go somewhere or add something, later. Not here, now.
Why not try a little openness, and acceptance, about this person in the world? What if I tried a little openness, acceptance and humility about myself?
Doesn’t that feel a little sweeter than gripping the steering wheel with fury as I drive and think “JERK!” about someone?
Yes.
“Some people think that silence is more spiritual than speech, that meditation or prayer brings you closer to God than watching television or taking out the garbage. That’s the story of separation. Silence is a beautiful thing, but it’s no more beautiful than the sound of people talking. I love it when thoughts pass through my mind, and I love it when there are no thoughts. Thoughts can’t be a problem for me, because I have questioned them and seen that no thought is true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 180
That guy with the Big Mondo Ego? How is it just as beautiful as the next thing, like television, or taking out the garbage, or meditating or learning to love what is? What if I’m not really the authority–for myself most of all–on spirituality around here, and what people should or should not be doing, thinking, believing or saying around me?
They should be saying what they say.
And it’s sooooo good they said it, because I’m invited then to jump into the pool of love, all-of-life and spirituality in everything, and swim, too….rather than staring down from the high dive, full of anger and fear with arms folded across my chest.
Welcome to the end of separation.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you have agonizing thoughts about anyone else in this world, (alive or dead) then your experience is perfect for The Work. You can do this during retreat for great benefit. Questioning your thoughts doesn’t mean you’ll become a tiny passive potato. You’ll probably be more clear, and more alive, whatever this may look like for you. Connected.
Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.
Spring Cleaning Retreat Kenmore, WA (a few spots left, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals) May 11-14
Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25
Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest heart of Seattle retreat house (Portage Bay) 4 days with Katie and Silence via streaming from Switzerland. A profound experience, commuters welcome, four private bedrooms at reduced fees for travelers who choose to add lodging. July 8-12
Putting on the boxing gloves, when it comes to that person’s behavior? Who would you be without your belief they should stop?
I’m so excited just thinking about all these in-person retreats, all quite different.
Almost jumping up and down actually.
There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.
One thought at a time.
The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?
The first step is identifying the problem.
It’s not so hard.
What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?
Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!
Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.
And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?
Yes.
A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.
(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!
I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.
I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).
The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.
This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.
WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.
But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.
In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.
So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.
Picture the situation.
For me, I’m reading an email.
Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?
Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.
(Little dramatization for you).
The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?
Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?
LOL.
Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.
How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?
Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.
I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.
So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?
There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.
What’s that like? How does it feel?
This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.
What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?
And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?
I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.
She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….
….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.
Him. Out.
Who would you be without your beliefs about others?
I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!
Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.
Wow, these are all just as true or truer.
He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).
I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.
I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!
Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.
I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.
How could it be otherwise?
“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie
Have you ever been plagued by a dilemma of choosing between two things?
You could go with this, or you could go with that, or you could go with this, or you could go with that. (That’s by Black Sheep in case you aren’t a 90s hip-hop fan).
But I can’t decide!!
If I say YES, I feel nervous about the hard work (for a new job for example) or I’m very anxious I’ll be trapped (like in a committed relationship) or I’m terrified I won’t survive financially (leaving a long-term marriage) or I’m worried I can’t learn the new language and I’ll be homesick (moving to another country).
Whatever happens, it COULD BE BAD!
That’s the fear, right?
I’ll have a moment where I’m uncomfortable, disappointed, angry, irritated, furious, frightened, sad, regretful.
A couple of years ago, I applied with my new husband to refinance our home, and take my former husband’s name off the loan (even though former husband and I were divorced for almost a decade, he was forever listed on the loan).
My current husband and I were turned down. Not enough income. Not enough equity.
Secretly, I thought….”good”. Don’t tell anyone.
Because isn’t it dangerous to own property with some other human? I mean, they aren’t reliable. Did you see what happened last time? Even the most steadfast, kind, loving people go ape-sh*% sometimes, do they not? One has to be careful. I’ve been directly burned, after all.
Then time went by, and the housing prices started to rise, even for this tiny cottage I live in with my husband. It seemed like the right thing to do to try to refinance again and take care of that loan–update it, get the right people responsible for it who actually live here, get the former husband off the note (he really wanted that done), make plans for my mom to move here in her aging years.
This time, the loan refinance went through. After many months of waiting and me having thoughts like “Well, if it never refinances, who cares? Not me! I’ll eventually pay it off, if possible, and it will be mine, all mine!” (Horror movie laugh of glee).
Worry, fret, anxiety.
Have you noticed, whether you’re afraid your new roommate at college will be weird, or you’re nervous your new boss will do something difficult…..there’s really only two possibilities going on here with the fretting.
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future is actually already happening (or did)
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future has not yet happened
The first thing to do in a dilemma around choosing, is to notice if it’s #1 or #2 above.
If it’s #1, then you’ve got a current worksheet to look at deeply and maybe some beautiful clear action to take, once you’ve identified and inquired into what happened, or is currently underway.
For example, let’s say you’re worried about this new project at your job and that you’ll get all the dirty grunt work assigned to you and your boss won’t respect your time limits and you’re trying to figure out if you should say something or refuse the project or what.
If you believe this will happen….how on earth did you ever come to that conclusion? Oh. Did something ALREADY occur, or maybe a whole series of things, where you’ve felt your boundaries were disrespected, and you were the one who had to do the worst part of the project?
WORKSHEET!!
Questioning your story about what already happened will probably bring you immense clarity, and your medicine for how to relax, and move forward (or even make amends to yourself, or to others) and act in a way that holds deep integrity for you and for everyone involved.
Now, as for #2 above.
You’re faced with a decision or a choice or you’re fretting about something occurring that’s never happened. Like, this new project at work will go horribly and you’ll be worked to the bone with no breaks, without recognition. And you’ve never done a project like this in your life.
Where DID you get this idea, my little grasshopper?
Someone else’s story? Hearsay? Pictures in your head of what it will look like because you read a book, or saw a movie? A friend or family member telling you their own terrible tale?
You HAD to get it from somewhere, even if you put together composites of many other stories and cut and pasted them into a brilliant future terror scene. Right?
But the most important thing to notice with #2 is….
….IT HASN’T HAPPENED.
The future has Not Yet Occurred.
So in the most basic way, we can start this kind of agonizing choice-making with this simple inquiry:
Something terrible will happen.
(And I strongly suggest finding out what you think is terrible, and identifying it clearly).
But is this true?
Are you completely sure something terrible will happen?
How about something terrible MIGHT happen?
Are you absolutely and completely sure, without a doubt, that something terrible might happen?
No. I could never absolutely “know” this. I can know nothing about the future, and what’s more is….I notice the past is not only over, it’s never precisely repeatable.
How do I react when I believe something terrible could happen?
Doubled over in anxiety, not sleeping, worried, frantic. I see pictures of other already-happened images, or pictures of scenes I invented in my head through imagination, and other peoples’ stories.
So who would you be without this thought that something terrible could happen, in the future….whether in the dilemma you’re contemplating, or anywhere at all?
What if you just could not conceive of that thought? What if you could not believe this thought was the truth? What if you forgot about this thought, for a minute?
Who would you actually be? WHAT would you be?
Huh.
What would I be. Hmmm.
I’d be sitting here. I’d be….I have no idea. I’d be a person, looking around, flashing images in my head without believing a single one. I’d be noticing this Big Decision is maybe not all that important, to be honest.
I’d be feeling sweet, right now, right here. Quiet fan blowing heat into the room. Darkness outside the window. Wind chimes tinkling on the porch.
No urgency. No emergency. No freaking out, or depression. Just contentedly here. No serious worry about loss, or gain.
Nothing required.
Turning the thought around to the opposite: something wonderful will happen.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
Wow.
“Just notice when things are out of balance. You don’t have to figure it out. There’s a built-in signal that will always let you know: it’s called stress. Your unquestioned thoughts about life lead you to believe that there’s something out of order, and that can never be true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
You were lured, manipulated, hooked, seduced…..What happens when you believe this is possible? A scary story. But remember, it’s a story.
The first Friday inquiry jam, where people can connect via phone or internet from anywhere in the world, was so powerful just a few days ago (mark your calendar for First Friday of April 7:45 am PT, we’ll do it again).
We began as always with everyone filling out their own Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful situation, some exchange or moment in time where something happened unpleasant. Something disturbed us. Something felt off, or scary, or sad.
Someone raised their hand (you get to push *2 and I see the alert on my computer). This lovely inquirer said she has so many moments where she felt anxious or upset….where should she begin?
Great question.
I’ve had a few of those people or moments in my life (OK, more than a few) where it felt like the same “problem” was reoccurring over and over. Or the same dilemma, or same uncomfortable conversation.
The best thing I know to do is to really freeze frame only one of those moments in time, and hold very still with it as you write down your judgments about that situation, without one single ounce of editing yourself. Be childish, critical, petty, ridiculous.
What moment should you choose, you ask?
Why, the one where you felt the most fear, intensity, sadness, rage, fury, irritation, or hurt. That one. Where the scene of the crime was The Worst.
I found, if I go back to that one, and write everything I believe that’s stressful down, about that one moment….
….then the following or other moments that “weren’t so bad by comparison” will also fall into place. (And if they don’t, you can still do The Work on them).
This movement into The Worst moment takes some courage sometimes. Because you might remember a moment that’s really, really painful. It can stir you up.
So take a very deep breath, and remember first that you’re past that moment, now. You’re safe in your chair, as you write down the thoughts. Even if the event happened yesterday, you’ve got a little break. You can give yourself this quiet space for a moment.
Not long ago I had an old flame who reappeared in my life after many years away. The relationship had spanned maybe four months grand total when it happened in real life, but I actually thought of that relationship while watching the movie LaLa Land.
Oh no, not him again. Really?
So much work on that person, a long time ago. I thought it was all squared away. But just running into him at a coffee shop made me feel sort of nauseated, and nervous. I felt jumpy, like I needed to get out of there and like I also wanted to connect and find out all about his life.
Intrigue. Mystery. Drama.
Danger Danger! (Did you hear the back-up sound of loud beeping and the red lights flashing? That’s a huge truck. Heading backwards. Meaning, the driver probably doesn’t know you’re standing right there in the middle of the alley. MOVE!!!!!)
I went home feeling kind of shaken and sad, remembering the feeling of almost being run over. Seeing pictures of being very frightened many times in that relationship, feeling nervous and pushed and chaotically excited (like when you’re on a roller coaster) and confused and never relaxed.
And then annoyed. Because I received an email from him asking to get together like it would be the easiest and most normal thing to do in the world. Not a hey, would you want to get together to have a truly honest talk about your perspective of what happened in that very tumultuous, difficult, awful time back then….but an invitation to go to a show and hang out.
What?
Somehow, I’m thinking we weren’t in the same relationship. He had his idea of what it was like. I had mine.
And here came the stressful thoughts: He should see how crazy-time the interactions were between us in the long-distant past. He should wake up. He should quit acting like an addict….someone who blacks-out the bad times and screams it-was-the-best-thing-ever about the good times. He should stop being so grabby. Desperate. He should stop thinking that relationship was fun. Or desirable. It wasn’t.
Oh man.
Dang it.
I have to do The Work on this? Again? After all these years? Seriously?
But I knew not to start in with the criticism of myself about it all.
Because self-criticism, guilt, or shame is a cover-up and a dark alley you can easily get stuck in (if you’re like me) and fogs out deeper understanding of the actual situation. It’s like a distraction to a different shiny object, a very painful shiny object. But a distraction nevertheless.
“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
OK. Fine.
So here’s where the invitation comes in to go back to a very troubling moment, The Worst troubling moment, rather than this recent coincidental meeting which stirred things up.
I sat down, closed my eyes, and opened up to revisiting the difficult details, and seeing what still lived within my mind about it.
I was shocked.
Judge Your Neighbor worksheet:
I am enraged with him because he sucked me into his life, and lied about the dark truth, mental illness, alcoholism and neediness behind his fake captivating personality.
I want him to apologize, instead of saying he did nothing wrong.
He should grow up, get professional help, do The Work, understand how much he terrified me.
In order to be happy, I need him to confess he almost ruined my life because of his selfish and false desires, because of his desperation for attention and love.
He is an addict, a liar, sick, dangerous, stalker, angry, disgusting.
I don’t ever want to fall prey to a love con game again. I don’t ever want to be involved with someone who attempts suicide and is mentally ill.
OK then.
Sigh.
Just your run-of-the-mill everyday worksheet on a light chance encounter at a coffee shop. (Not).
The wonderful thing is now, I can take every single one of these concepts through the four questions and turnarounds. It doesn’t matter if it takes several months, or if I really go for it and do one a day. (I’m not the all-in-one-sitting type. Too much effort, too much to digest all at once. But nothing wrong with it if you DO like doing a whole worksheet in one sitting. Go for it!)
If you have a person you’ve thought of as needing to be rescued from themselves or their own thinking, or someone who manipulated or overwhelmed you….then join me now.
Let’s do The Work!
Starting from the top. Picture that person who drew you in, demanded a response, forced you to react, made you feel “x”. You’re a victim of their behavior. They neeeeeeeeeed you. They don’t let up. They’re high maintenance.
I’ve had sales pitches that felt this way. Organizations. Groups. Programs. Religions.
He sucked me into his life.
Is it true?
Yes. I was just innocently being me, standing there, and….
Answer the question.
He sucked you in, can you ABSOLUTELY KNOW this is true?
No.
I saw no vacuum cleaner. No one had a knife. All that happened is conversations, time spent together, then time ending together, honestly.
No one forced me to do it.
How do you react when you believe you were sucked in, to anything?
Angry! Furious! Fist shaking! They did it to me! I was an innocent bystander! Mad at myself for not saying “no” 1000 times sooner!
So who would you be without this very painful story that you got sucked in?
You could apply the very same thought to a compulsive addictive behavior. The food compulsion sucked you in. The drugs, the alcohol, those people. You didn’t know what hit you.
Who would I be without the belief this guy sucked me in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world?
Oh. Hmmm.
I’d notice I’m separate from him. Very. I have a world that doesn’t intersect much with this other person’s world. This is one small encounter, out of my whole life. I am not “sucked” into anything terrible.
Without the thought, I feel safer, calmer, relaxed. I’m back in my own business, feet solidly on the ground, feeling the earth and noticing how in that situation, I knew when to no longer engage.
There was no emergency.
Without the thought, I’m noticing how nothing truly terrible happened. No one died. I even went to work, went about my own life. The worst that happened, honestly, were my thoughts. No gigantic octopi descended upon me, I definitely wasn’t “sucked”.
Turning the thought around: he didn’t suck me in. I sucked him in. I sucked myself in.
Oh. Wow. Yikes.
How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?
I sucked him in, by telling him of my worries about life (which weren’t really true) and my love dreams (which were unrealistic) and by answering every question he asked, and by writing long involved emails to him early on. I sucked him in by asking him tons of questions about his childhood.
I sucked myself in by believing I could help, even when things began to get revealed and the true (not fake) stories started getting uncovered. I sucked myself in with worry, anxiety and feeling torn. I sucked myself in by closing my eyes to some weird behavior and pretending it was OK with me. I sucked myself in by not speaking up, or telling my own inner truth.
I even sucked myself in by swinging from bubbly attraction, to disgust, rather than feeling the solid awareness of a centered, sane, kind approach to seeing the truth. I sucked myself in to my own story of what I hoped would happen….and then sucked myself in to extreme and deep disappointment that it didn’t. I forgot my own clarity, and strength.
I sucked myself in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world…I sucked myself into my own agony, my own mental illness, my need to rescue, my sick world of believing in sick worlds.
“You are alive only in your own imagination as the thing you think you are. The story we have of ourselves is so seductive….Don’t be waiting for “next”. There is no “next”. It is enough that you are here. The more you are able to bring your attention to that which is, you will find your silence, your peace. You will discover your inherent harmony, your natural joy.” ~ Mooji
I sucked myself into a dramatic vortex of believing there was a hook. A dangerous hook, in this world. Called another human with a “big” needy personality. Who was a fish that bit the hook? That would be me.
Only, that’s not what really happened.
He did not suck me in to anything. He delivered me. He set me free from believing in emergencies, from thinking it would be awful to say “no”. From tantalizing, enmeshed relationship where I believe I’m far more important than necessary. He showed me that even when someone attempts suicide, they can live, and so can I. He showed me how wonderful my own company is, how peaceful and quiet, all by myself. How glorious.
I told a story.
And it’s completely over right now.
I see what is. Thank you.
“The thing about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie
Still some space in the 
Have you ever been super scared of someone?
Love, attraction, romance.
