Category: Relationships

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Real marriage = married to the truth (and TEN BARRIERS webinar TODAY)

It’s a big inquiry offering day. All free for anyone.

Let’s do The Work, together.

FIRST FRIDAY open simple inquiry jam for everyone and anyone. 7:45 – 9:00 am Pacific Time. Join HERE. You’ll see your options for connection when you visit this link about 20 minutes before the session begins.

Webinar Immersion Class: Ten Barriers That Can Keep The Work…From Working. To attend join me HERE. You’ll want to view this one on a device with a screen where you can watch the slides. Everyone receives a free download of a new short summary I put together listing the ten barriers. At the very end I’ll share and answer your questions about the Year of Inquiry, which is now accepting registrations for fall.

Five years ago exactly today, I got married for the second time.

It was such a fun, fabulous, stress-free, joyful occasion….I never knew a ceremonial event with many people gathered could be so playful and precious.

Here’s a never-before-seen (I think it’s true) photo that appeared in my computer files today. I’m sharing it with you today because it reminds me of knowing what it’s like to be without those thoughts.

There were so many glorious parts to the 4 day celebration, and the 2 hour ceremony itself: sharing by the community, poetry, quotes, songs, calling in the ancestors, intention, celebration of love in every form for everyone present (not just commitment between two), honoring of old traditions and family members, dancing, feasting.

For me, it was truly an experience of who I could personally be without my ancient stressful stories of “love”, “partnership”, “friends”, “family”, “supposed-to”, “have-to”, and “must”.

Thank you to The Work for giving me back such freedom. A kind I hadn’t remembered or known since I was a child talking to the fairies in the garden.

“When I make a commitment, it’s to my own truth, and there’s no higher or lower. ‘I love, honor, and obey you–and I may change my mind.’ I’m married only to God-reality. That’s where my commitment is. It can’t be to a particular person….Unless we marry the truth, there is no real marriage.” ~ Byron Katie

I have a very dear sweet man called a husband, a beautiful extended family, and so many friends and people to share this life with, including you.

Much love,

Grace

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I’ve Been Left

He left me.

She left me.

They left me.

The suffering as a result of this belief is enormous.

People holding this thought in their experience of a relationship feel devastated, sometimes suicidal….and then on top of the dark feelings of abandonment, they criticize themselves for being losers and caring so much.

But let’s take a look at this thought, that can seem like a fact to some who think of it as true-true-true, and question it with The Work.

That person left you…Is it true?

Yes! They packed up their stuff and walked out the door. I don’t see them in this house anymore. Gone. It’s been 7 hours and 13 days since you took your love away.

Or fifteen years.

After we think “is is true?” instead of pausing with our answer, we might have images of that person blossoming before us, wondering about them, replaying the scenes that were so torturous in the past. We might explain to a listener all about the entire story of what happened. We might see them driving away on their motorcycle while running down the street behind them, and they never looked back.

People share with me the details of what’s happening in the lives of their “ex” partners. Marrying again. Non-communicative. Or maybe occasionally pinging them on facebook with an update.

But first, can I just answer that question…is it true they left?

Yes. Didn’t I just say how many days and hours it’s been?

Can you absolutely know it’s true they left?

Because I couldn’t know it was absolutely for-all-time true.

They were in my head daily, sometimes hourly. Every time I went past that one coffee house, I thought of them. Every time I heard that song, I felt melancholy.

There was a physical leaving, but not in any way was there an emotional or mental “leaving”. And I would also imagine getting back together in the future, which was always possible, right? I couldn’t know it was absolutely fundamentally true that this person left me forever.

Plus, and this is critically important to note, they didn’t die, they didn’t vanish off the face of the earth, and there were so many conversations and connections and bumps and difficulties between us, can you really know for absolute certain that person left YOU, like it was all about YOU?

No. I personally can’t at all. They had their own stuff going on that made a move important in their life. But if you answer “yes, it’s absolutely true” that’s perfectly OK and not the wrong answer.

How do you react when you think the thought “that person left me”?

Gut-wrenching sadness, or furious rage. They were wrong, wrong, wrong. I treated my daily life like a burden to “get through” and the new people I met like people to be suspicious of. I didn’t go out much.

So who would you be without your belief that you were left? Like, it was personal?

This is not airy fairy sweet gooey positive thinking fake sugar.

This is real use of the creative brilliance of mind and it’s imagination. The mind forgot the other side in this duality of every coin having an opposite. It focused on fear, lack, hurt, pain, and zero possibilities of a happy future.

Thank you mind for trying to keep me safe and sound, and unhurt. But you’re a bit limited, my friend, you say to your mind.

Because without the belief someone left me….I’m suddenly looking around my environment, my day, my quiet house….and noticing the peace of silence.

I’m aware of all the moments when I was supposedly “married” that I spent going to work alone, driving my own personal car all by myself, at the grocery store by myself, talking to a friend on the phone, sweeping the floor in my living room with children playing around me, thinking in my own head.

Did someone “leave” me at all those moments?

Yes, there was no body in the room sometimes. And it wouldn’t have occurred to me to be upset if my husband went to the garage to work on a project. In fact, I’d be a bit of a nut case if I started thinking “he’s leaving me” every time he called out “goodbye!” as he went to work in the morning.

Yikes.

All that meaning we place on relationships and what he or she is supposed to be doing that equals “I am loved” and all the meaning placed on a relationship that means “I am secure” or “I am NOT secure.”

When there are never any guarantees, ever. Someone could die, so could you (everyone will).

Leaving is the way of it, in fact.

Coming together, leaving, coming together, leaving. Nothing written on a piece of paper says anything firm and final about this leaving or staying. Marriage. Divorce. Break-ups. Falling in Love. Commitment. Separation.

Without the belief I am left, I simply notice the tide goes in and out. And I don’t get very upset about it.

Without the belief that I was left, I begin to see benefits for it going the way it’s going.

Let’s go there. The ultimate turnaround. Life dishing up something FOR me, not something happening that hurts me.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

For me, I noticed how much I loved the quiet. I could read anything I wanted all day long on the weekend. It was like a miracle to have nothing on my schedule. I meditated for hours. I walked through my neighborhood with Deva Premal playing over and over on my headphones. I noticed houses I had never seen before. I found little trails I hadn’t noticed. I came across a wild plum tree in nobody’s yard underneath the power lines, loaded with plums, and came back the next day with a bag.

I thought about relationships during that “I-was-left” time. I noticed how many exceptionally crazy beliefs I had about them that were considered normal in society. Here’s what “this” means. Here’s what “that” means.

I saw I couldn’t know.

I started hanging out with friends I had known since high school, but hadn’t really seen or spent time with in fifteen years. I signed up for a Qigong class. I started being curious about things I hadn’t pursued. I explored dance classes, and found one I loved.

Turning the thought around every way:

  • I left him
  • I left myself
  • He did not leave me

Can you find examples of how these are true? Spend time on each one, finding three examples for every turnaround.

I left him internally during our life together a thousand trillion times when I looked over at him and thought critically he wasn’t good enough, he didn’t do the lawn mowing right, he bought the wrong thing at the store, he wasn’t giving me enough affection, he worried too much about money.

I left myself by thinking I wasn’t a good companion, like I needed someone else around to make me happy. I didn’t appreciate my own mind, my thoughts, my desires. I suppressed myself. I didn’t share the truth. I felt inadequate. I ripped myself to shreds internally. I didn’t feel worthy of love. When we first met, I still obsessed about food a lot. I pushed myself really hard. I felt bad about my own abilities with money, before he ever joined in on the money show. I had images come to mind about my difficult, lonely future. I feared myself worthy of being left.

He didn’t leave me. Nope. In the mind constantly. Wondering what he was up to. Worrying about myself in the future, all alone. Feeling unforgiving. Like this his actions and behaviors are all about me, when they really have nothing to do with me. I got some of the photos, the kitchen ware, the couch, his old car, a new little gorgeous cottage just for me to live in. I receive texts, messages about the kids, emails, and we spend holidays together.

Ha Ha.

The advantages to this being “left” thing continue to enter my life, even after many years. There are far more advantages than disadvantages.

And even all of these supposed advantages and disadvantages…

….who knows if they are even true.

The most important thing is, the pair of glasses I am wearing about the whole thing is that it was one of the most powerful, life-changing, incredible experiences and wake-up calls of my life. Almost on equal footing to attending Byron Katie’s School for The Work.

I mean it.

I orbited into an entirely different paradigm. It wasn’t instant. My mind hung on very tight. I wanted to punish. I rotated back into severe doubt. But then I’d rotate with self-inquiry into brilliant trust. It was a roller coaster ride.

Very, very exciting.

Who would you be without your story?

You can do this. All it takes is answering some powerful questions slowly and honestly. You can do this.

A Community of the Spirit

There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight

of walking in the noisy street

and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,

and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes

to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,

if you want to be held.

Sit down in the circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel

the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.

Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food.

Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”

Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.

Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison

when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

widening rings of being.

~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two events happening soon, that support your inquiry:

1) Being With Byron Katie (just stopped by the house which is getting a facelift for ten days….can’t wait to spend 4 days there starting July 8th)

2) Sliding Scale pay what you can. Summer Camp For The Mind begins July 5 – August 18.

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Retroactive jealousy…when you need it a certain way, it gets ugly

Oy veys, I got the completely incorrect link for Summer Camp for The Mind for all of you who are wanting to check the schedule and information page.

Head over HERE to find out all about Summer Camp online program including the daily schedule.

Yes, it is entirely sliding scale and yes, it begins with a 3-hour mini retreat (two of them, to be precise, at different days and hours for those of you in completely different time zones). In the mini-retreats we’ll simply be doing The Work, one after the other. It doesn’t matter if you’re experienced, or a brand new beginner.

And finally, I forgot to let you know that the usual First Friday wouldn’t be happening since I’m traveling and in spotty internet connections. We WILL however meet on the second Friday, June 9th at the very same time 7:45 am PT. Save this link HERE for joining me on 6/9. (Apologies for not warning you)! July we’re back to First Friday.

******************

And now for another fascinating topic I first wrote about in 2015. It vaguely appeared while on this trip about retirement planning.

Retroactive jealousy.

I hadn’t really heard the term, but a dear inquirer used it about his experience of stress when it came to his partner.

This can expand beyond jealousy about someone you love having been with someone else.

You can also be jealous of someone’s historical success, the experiences they’ve encountered, the achievements they’ve undergone. In the Past.

As in, it’s not even happening anymore. But you’re jealous as you hear about it.

I myself should have gotten that opportunity! I should have been the one getting that experience. I should have been the boyfriend. I should have been the girlfriend. I should have had that kind of scholarship. I should have gotten that kind of degree. I should have woken up back then when I was that age! 

I remember an inquirer who always felt, because her husband had a previous marriage where his wife had died of cancer, that she was always “the replacement” and she felt pain and jealousy of what her husband’s previous marriage had been.
Good fodder for inquiry.
First….consider why this is troubling for you?
What do you think it means, that the person you’re deeply interested in, this person you love, had another life, before you came along?
It means they’re comparing ME to someone they knew previously.
It means I’m not the first, I’m not the special person. It means they have numerous, general, multiple experiences in their life and I’ve missed out on all of them. It means I’m not 100% important. It means they might have great memories with other people and they’ll desire them again.
I must confess, the only place I’ve personally ever experienced this Retroactive Jealousy is around something to do with accomplishment and success with career or money, as I mentioned.
As in….I’m jealous someone else got THOSE awesome career opportunities. I didn’t. They planned well. I didn’t.
Bummer for me. Good for them.
How do I react when I think I didn’t get that experience, in the past, that someone else got?
It can feel devastating. Sick. Soooo uncomfortable.
I leave the person who has sparked this comparison-mode. I want to get away from them. I retreat. I feel very disconnected and separate.
So who would you be without the belief that you should have been there, you should have had that experience….in the past?
Who would you be without the belief that the person you love shouldn’t have been with that previous person?
Who would you BE?
“I’m a lover of what is. It’s so painful when I’m not. There’s nothing we can do about it. It is what it is. And we’re all lovers of reality…..We all want what is because it’s the way of it. And we all KNOW it….How does it feel to react to your own lie??! To something you don’t even believe yourself? We’re attached to this concept. And we think they’re doing it TO us. But it’s nothing more than our fairy tale is being burst.” ~ Byron Katie
Who would you be without the thought that this other person’s story is the better way?
I’d feel quiet. I’d be laughing. I’d be thrilled with my relationship with myself, my own life.
I’d be overjoyed in hearing about other peoples’ life paths, successes, achievements, experiences, mates. I’d be so curious, in a really good way.
Turning the thought around….
….I shouldn’t have been there, I shouldn’t have had that experience I’m hearing about, there’s nothing out of place, nothing is wrong, nothing is missing, all that happened before to this person is perfect and important.
I should have been in my own life, with my own experiences, in this body here.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
“It’s living with no net. You do it and you die and your knees wobble and you’re weak like a baby and you’re so vulnerable. It’s so exciting. Much more exciting than your story. It’s love affair, and it goes as deep as it can. The love of self.” ~ Byron Katie
“You are whole and complete within yourself. You do not need anything. You do not need anybody….No clinging, no holding on. If you need it a certain way, you are dependent, and it gets ugly.” ~ Michael Singer

Wow.

Right here, this place, age 56 and doing whatever I’m doing. I notice I’m traveling on a trip my mother saved up for to celebrate her 80th birthday, so I didn’t need to have more success to do this amazing adventure.

I have a suitcase. I have legs that can walk many miles. I bought a simple silver necklace to match the ones my sisters also bought in a market yesterday.

Nothing more is required.

Much love,

Grace

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Quietly feeling annoyed….but unable to speak up?

It is truly incredible to me the power of some stories (especially one I’m going to mention today experienced by moi), and how deep they run and how intensely they stick.

Especially if they haven’t been seen in the light but stay down in the underworld, half hidden from consciousness.

Today I’m talkin’ about the Story of Nicey-Nice and it’s flip sided neighbor Argh-Aggressive.

What is up with that auto-pilot Be Nice and Seethe Inside thing?

Here’s what I mean by auto-pilot.

A few examples:

A) Person starts talking to me. They talk, talk and talk some more about their terrible aunt who is evil. It’s the fifth or tenth time I’ve heard about the aunt. The story is the same. I remain quiet, even though my stomach hurts. I do not say “you know, I’ve heard you speak about this so often, I don’t ever want to hear it again, you complaining ninny.”

B) Person asks if they can enroll in the program I’m teaching for free. I don’t let them know that it actually cost me, then, to have them in the program. I would be paying for them. I say yes, even though I don’t feel good or right about it.

C) Person sends me gifts in the mail, leaves presents for me in my car, drops items for me into my bag at work. I don’t say “what’s with the gift-giving slightly stalker weirdness, can you please stop?”

D) Person tells me I’m unfriendly because I don’t smile at her and say hello in the morning. I don’t want to, I just want to focus on the project I’m hired to work on. I don’t tell her “I won’t be doing that.” I say “hi” for awhile but then give up.

E) Person asks me if I want to go on a boat ride with him and his dog. That sounds horrible. I don’t say “no, I get seasick and I’m not that into pets”. I feel guilty for not being into pets. I don’t answer his emails.

F) Person starts showing me their photos of their vacation and turns out there are about 5000 of them. All landscapes. I don’t say “I’ve seen enough, thanks.” I keep looking and nodding but thinking when the hell will this be over.

G) Person asks me to teach them everything I know about marketing and promoting and growing my business over lunch. I think about the thousands of dollars I’ve invested in learning what I know for the past three years and how huge this request is. I say “sure, we can do that sometime” but I won’t ever do that.

You get the picture.

And then the worst situations for me when I’ve been Not Authentic, shall we say, have been with men on dates, in relationships, when sexual encounters were a possibility, or underway.

There’s a moment.

The feeling that I want to go more slowly, or stop, or that I don’t like something is clear.

But I never spoke up!

Some time ago, before the Sexuality teleclass began, I was reading over the curriculum (which is awesome, by the way). I loved zoning in on this way of being Nice Outside Annoyed Inside, and looking again carefully, without hacking myself to bits for having done it.

The way I used to be, I frequently said nothing in situations where I felt conflict or concern.

After doing The Work on a few of these more intense situations…

…I realized that I wanted the person who did something objectionable (in my opinion) to change so that I could be more comfortable.

Otherwise, I might have to speak up, tell the truth about myself in that moment. Horror of horrors.

The truth that was “I don’t like that! No thank you! Stop! Ewww! Really? I feel afraid, I’m angry, I’m nervous.”

I had great fear that if I did speak up, the person to whom I was speaking might feel hurt, and then hurt me back, and then I’d feel hurt.

So let’s question that thought today. The idea that it might be safer to keep quiet, or safer to speak up, and uncertainty about both.

Is that true that it’s safer to keep quiet? Or safer to speak up?

Rats. I don’t know. Wait. Yes. I actually do think something’s true. It feels safer to keep quiet. Yes. But I should speak up, dang it. Help! I don’t know!

How do you react when you believe NOT telling someone to stop, or that you don’t like what’s happening, is easier and safer?

How about when you believe it’s better to sock-it-to-em and tell it like it is?

I’m nervous, agonizing over right and wrong. I’m terrified.

Who would you be without the belief that speaking up is better…or keeping your opinion to yourself is safer? Without the belief that either one is right or wrong?

I’d relax and trust more. I wouldn’t be so suspicious of what’s going to happen in five minutes, or tomorrow.

Wow. There would be no future.

I’d say what I really think, with a sense of clarity, even love.

I wouldn’t believe I have to put up with things, allow things to happen without saying how I feel. I wouldn’t think I have to scream to be protected. I’d honor myself, as well as the other people. It would be exciting!

Turning the thought around: Telling the truth is safer.

It saves a whole lot of time.

I think of how many relationships dragged on and on in a certain unsatisfying way because I didn’t tell the truth. Like I was clinging to being likable, and avoiding hurt.

What if instead I stepped out on the ice and skated, being freely who I am, and THEN saw who showed up to play with me?

That sounds much more fun, much more real. It’s more solid, genuine, deep, kind, loving.

I’d notice how much I love honesty and clarity from others, whether they are more soft-spoken or direct. I notice how openness, calm, kindness and sharpness are all beautiful elements of great conversation.

And I love myself when I’m honest with ME, not trying to pretend I like stuff I don’t like. That’s the most important of all.

“To discover our autonomy is the most challenging thing a human being can do. Because in order to discover our autonomy, we must be free from all external control or influence. This means that we must free our mind from all that it has collected, all that it clings to, all that it depends on.” ~ Adyashanti

I find there is a place beyond all turnarounds, where there is no concern for safety, but no urgency….a sort of waiting, maybe a true silence, that is deeply genuine.

Real feelings coming up in the moment. Feelings that say “get away from me” or “be quiet” or “no I don’t buy you begging me to help you mediate your arguments with other people” or “slow down” or “I’m leaving” or “quit bossing me”.

But falling back, not being silent because you’re so terrified of being disliked or hateful, but instead relaxing with the sensations….this goes beyond all strategies for what-to-do next.

It’s like no strategy is necessary. There’s just the truth, awareness of what you’re feeling along with connection with the other, honest connection.

“Patience has a lot to do with getting smart at that point and just waiting: not speaking or doing anything. On the other hand, it also means being completely and totally honest with yourself about the fact that you’re furious. You’re not suppressing anything–patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself….This suggests the fearlessness that goes with patience. If you practice the kind of patience that leads to the de-escalation of aggression and the cessation of suffering, you will be cultivating enormous courage.” ~ Pema Chodron

There is no safer. It’s an illusion.

Just be you, without any requirement to fix, help, appease, diminish, change, switch, improve you or anyone else.

Now that’s a wonderful practice. We can call it Beyond Safety.

Beyond Nicey-Nice and Argh-Aggressive and all that flip-flopping.

I notice that in this realm, there is no forever suffering.

It’s only about being gentle, honest and kind with yourself. You.

Not worrying so much about hurting others (although you do care about them) but focusing on honestly being with you. Loving yourself. Not slapping away your fury or fear.

Taking your own hand, with such sweet tenderness. Telling the truth.

All you need to do is remember to be gentle and honest, with yourself. The rest will take care of itself.

Much love,

Grace

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Don’t go spouting out an answer…..sit there.

My mom on my left, announcing to all of us in the row on the plane: Do you want to see where we are?

She’s excitedly waving her cell phone.

My sister on my right: I keep telling you to TURN ON your airplane mode! You should NOT be able to tell us where we are!!

My mom: I didn’t turn it on this time! But the GPS dot is still glowing!

My sister: That’s impossible!

My mom: No it isn’t! I swear! 

My sister: OK. Fine. Show me where we are on the map.

My mom: No. I’m not going to show you now!

My sister: I didn’t want to see it anyway!

Hilarious!

Don’t you love how adults can snip at each other just like age 11?

Everyone was laughing a moment later.

But it’s sort of endearing to notice, these moments happen. Communication snafu, a little sting, an irritation, a flame.

They happen at such a quick speed, it’s practically hard to even catch. You might say something you regret, or feel all riled up on the inside full of tension.

Family is especially great for this practice. You know what I’m talking about.

The best way I find to work with a dynamic where someone really bugs you, even if you adore and love them, is to first, hold very very still on the moment you felt the slap, or irritation, the sting, the offense.

What are your thoughts about that moment?

What do you want, what do you fear, what do you need that you think is missing?

Now….see if there was another similar moment like it in the past, maybe even the distant past.

The Original Offense.

I like investigating my fears that show up as little irritations by noticing how far back they go. I see the story and where it was born, where it came alive, and where I’ve then seen proof for this belief I had appear, perhaps again and again.

A moment like this for me: I’m in the passenger seat. My husband is driving. He turns a different way than I normally go, headed to the same destination.

I feel a blast of annoyance. “Why are you going this way? It’s longer, and less pleasant!”

Why on earth would I care about which way we’re going, if I’m not even driving the car, and I trust we are indeed headed where we both desire to go?

What do I want? No surprises. To relax. What do I fear? The route will take up my attention. We’ll be lost. I can’t concentrate on our conversation, or enjoying the ride. What do I need that I think is missing? A recognized pattern. My usual way. Not having to re-direct.

Do I remember an earlier situation where taking an unexpected turn wasn’t such a great outcome? A time I got lost?

I sit a moment to see if a memory appears.

And then….one does appear.

(I told you it doesn’t take long, if you sit still with it a moment).

It’s my mom and dad, up front in the car, dad driving, mom navigating–and THEY are arguing, and I’m worried about their argument.

I just want my dad to go the normal way, so my mom doesn’t get upset. Going alternative ways is obviously worthy of upseted-ness. My proof is my mom’s response to him.

And now, I can question it all. My dad was lost, is it true? My mom was frightened, is it true? My mom shouldn’t have been angry, is it true? They should never bicker, is that true?

Who would I be now, without that story appearing before my eyes?

Laughing at the hilarity of it all. Noticing the similarity in the moment sitting between two wonderful people I adore (sister, mother) and having no issue with them being pissy with each other.

In fact, it’s rather entertaining.

Another case closed.

“Don’t try to change the dream, because trying to change it is just another movement in the dream. Look at the dream. Be aware of the dream. That awareness is It. Become more interested in the awareness of the dream than in the dream itself. What is that awareness? Who is that awareness? Don’t go spouting out an answer, just be the answer. Be It.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

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Take a stand against self-hate when you go through a break up

Spring Retreat is completely full. I like to say “spring cleaning” retreat.

You can do spring cleaning retreat on your own mind no matter where you are, as you go about life. It’s nice to have you come to Seattle, but the wonderful thing about The Work is…it’s not required to go anywhere to do it.

You can stop somewhere, find a pen and paper or your favorite device, and begin by writing down your painful thoughts.

THEN….do The Work on one thought at a time.

The other day, several people shared that one place they feel stuck, sad, despairing, or frustrated is in the middle of a relationship.

A break up, irritation with your partner, not feeling attracted to someone anymore and feeling like you should be, divorce.

Now, finding something annoying about the person you’re living with can be difficult, like getting poked with a pin every time you once again observe it.

These thoughts are like mosquitos. Here they come again. Huff. “There he goes again with leaving his stuff all over the table” or “he’s so out of shape” or “she’s always eating my snacks” or “she shouldn’t be so impatient’.

But it seems when people share with me that a relationship, even with it’s quirks and faults, is OVER….

….they feel pretty dreadful.

Thoughts begin to appear like “I’ll be alone forever” or “no one really cares about me” or “he’s already moved on so fast, I must have meant nothing to him” or “she ruined my life by leaving”.

Whew, these are super intense.

Let’s take a look at a break up, and see if we can get a little spring cleaning done.

One of the most difficult things I realized, long ago when I was going through divorce, was that because I was no longer wanted as a primary partner….I concluded that it meant I was un-want-able.

Worthy of being left.

Because someone moves away from me, I did something wrong.

This can even happen with other close relationships, family, friends, children.

Is it true, that if someone leaves you, or ends the relationship, or doesn’t want to talk to you anymore….it means YOU are worthy of being left? Leave-able? Don’t deserve a relationship that remains intact?

No.

How could it possibly mean this? There are so many factors involved.

How do you react when you believe you actually deserve to be left, or somehow caused it, or made it happen?

I know this is going to sound a little harsh….but it’s kind of grandiose. Negatively grandiose, I know. But I realized, that break up over a decade ago wasn’t All-About-Me. I knew, when I really answered the question honestly, that someone leaving did NOT automatically mean I deserved it.

How do you treat that person, when you think you don’t want them to leave, or you need them to stay so you can still be worthy?

Ooooh. Yikes. I’m treating them like they are a precious diamond or some incredible prize or possession I can’t be happy without. Unhappy when they aren’t around. Happy only if they are.

It’s like being in a volatile prison. Everything’s hanging on what that other person does (coming, going) and I’m not here in my own business watching the world do what it does–which includes that person apparently “leaving”.

People can’t even die without me freaking out, when I believe them leaving means something about me. When people go, I never enjoy my own company.

So who would we be without this incredibly alarming thought that people have to stick around for my worthiness and feeling of deserving ease and support?

Wow.

You mean….I don’t have to depend on anyone staying? I don’t have to believe it means I did something wrong? Or I’ll be alone forever? Or I’m a loser?

Yes, what if this meant nothing about you? Who would you be without the story it’s YOU?

I found this as I did The Work during my divorce. I could see so many reasons why my former husband wanted out of a marriage and to move into a new paradigm, to stop the one-track road he had been on.

As I did my work, and explored who I’d be without my dreadful self-attacking thoughts….

….I could begin to genuinely find turnarounds too, without bitterness.

  • I am want-able; I’m here, I’m alive, I’m available
  • I don’t have to depend on someone’s presence to feel love
  • There is no deserve or not-deserve, I am simply alive and can love this moment no matter who is in or out of it
  • I’ll be connected and loved forever
  • everyone really cares about me
  • I was clinging and crying so fast, he must have meant nothing to me
  • she/he saved my life by leaving

I can find examples for every single one of these turnarounds.

My life is completely different because of the pain I experienced through break-up. It woke me up. I was in a nightmare when it came to what I believed about relationship and love.

Now, I feel free when it comes to relationship, partnership and love, almost all the time. I get the best of everything: a feeling of independence like being single, and a kind accepting partner to spend time with and laugh with.

I see there’s wonderful things about being all alone, un-partnered, and that “deserving” or “worthiness” have nothing to do with partnering. Except maybe if I feel unworthy to begin with, I’ll put out that vibe big time and people will get the message and leave. I felt that way during my previous marriage: full of doubt and self-criticism. His leaving was a perfect match to how I already saw me. We were on the same page.

I see with others who have left that I don’t have to be so distraught when they go. My father died long ago, for example, and I still feel his love and have little conversations with him all the time. I don’t need his body to be here to feel comfortable.

Who would you really be without your stories of alone-ness or having a partner or being “in” a relationship or being “out” of one?

Everyday we’re “in” then “out” of relationship. Life is moving and dancing all over the place. All day long, this very day, the man who is my husband was gone, nowhere to be seen (by me). I hardly thought of him. He was busy teaching kids. I was busy doing The Work with people.

Perhaps fully breaking up could be the same in the end.

Without me putting heavy, harsh, self-attacking meaning on people coming and going….I’m watching, feeling, loving, sharing, moving, holding still, crying, laughing, thinking, taking action, being a human.

“It’s confusing for someone to conclude that they aren’t loved because there is something wrong with them. This person, who is trying to become lovable spends much time, attention and energy trying to be good, earn approval, please others, be perfect. 

And then, when they find that all that trying to be good doesn’t work, and doesn’t in fact get the love and approval they want, the only thing they know how to do is TRY HARDER. 

If you can find the willingness to look, and take a stand against the scam self-hate has you caught in, the confusion will give way to clarity.”

~ Cheri Huber in There Is Nothing Wrong With You

All I know is, ending the self-hate scam and self-improvement efforts have freed up time to explore many more things in this world.

And also freed up time or awareness somehow, to notice the red leaves fluttering in the wind through the window, the flash of pale pink blossom between bright green trees, a child on her bicycle flying past the front door, the tapping of the keyboard, the silence behind my back, the willingness to die without having all the answers.

LOL.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Breitenbush! Come join us to question the thoughts that keep you in conditioned self-improvement scam stories. We need you for other adventures in the world. At least, that’s a thought going through this mind. And, I love you even if you’re stuck.

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Shame & Guilt: looking closely instead of trying to rip them out

First Friday Inquiry Jam is tomorrow! 7:45-9:00 am Pacific Time. It’s for everyone, it’s free (donation if it feels right). You can listen-only through the Broadcast, or dial-in with phone or WebCall and have the opportunity to do The Work. We’ll start with me guiding you through filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your sharing out loud, whether you’re in the hot seat doing The Work or listening, asking a question, offering an insight, is a beautiful way to connect us all together with this powerful process called self-inquiry. Join me HERE. If for any reason the dial-in or WebCall is full when you try to connect, join using the Broadcast feature.

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So later this very day, Thursday at 1:00 pm PT I’ll be over on facebook live, on video. I do this to answer questions and share some of the biggest topics we notice come up and create arguments with reality!

Today, I want to talk about shame and guilt, because it’s coming up right and left lately in my Year of Inquiry group, solo sessions with people, and of course in troubles with food and eating or other compulsions.

Shame feels so awful to experience, right?

Must get rid of it….ASAP!!

But like other emotions and feelings (anger, for example) it may be here for an important reason. I mean, feelings, including shame or guilt, exist in reality, right?

So instead of wanting to crush them or freak out if we feel shame, maybe we can wonder about the message it brings.

Shame feels awful, no doubt about it. Nauseated, horrified, self-attacking (Why did I DO that? What’s WRONG with me?) and secretive.

Shame seems to say “hide this and never, ever, ever let anyone know about it”.

But what if we turned towards the thing(s) we feel most ashamed of and looked at them more closely, accepting them as a message or important dynamic we need to understand?

A wonderful exercise offered by Byron Katie in her book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” is to write down your most shameful experiences.

Ugh. I know. Gross. Do I have to?

Well, no one has to do anything….but to take a look at what you’re ashamed of can grow you up and open your mind in a way you might not have thought possible. So why not do it? It’s crushing and hard and depressing to keep the experience hidden, so bringing it out to the open fresh air may feel horrible to see as it lays there so ugly in the bright sunlight, but better than the alternative of continuing the way you’ve been going.

It doesn’t mean announce it on facebook.

You can find a trusted advisor to work with, someone who you know can work with shame with an open mind, too.

And if the trusted advisor is you (it is) then you can do it on your own–as long as you tap into the part of you willing to be accepting and open, no matter what.

Long ago, even when I stopped binge-eating and vomiting and over-exercising, I would NEVER want anyone to know I had been bulimic. It still feels like there’s an ever-so-slight worried feeling, like an old smell or sound that isn’t pleasant, as I think of sharing how I struggled with a decade of insane eating.

I used to think, at that time, I’d rather be a drug addict or an alcoholic because those sounded more rebellious and wild or Rebel-Without-A-Cause at least, not so ugly as stuffing your face or making yourself throw up in secret. I actually remember thinking I wish I was that kind of addict, because then I’d also fit in completely at AA meetings.

But that was not the way of it.

And the most important thing is not the overeating at all, but instead the inner workings of other events and ways of being I thought of as shameful.

I thought I should never be angry, selfish, rude, boisterous, bossy, grabby. I had so many “rules” about what I should behave like and what other people should also behave like, it was overwhelming to try to be my “best self” all the time.

I just wanted to be offline for once, to live freely without all those rules and regulations.

So a great place to begin your research into what ails you, what brings you to feeling shame, what your shame is telling you, is to simply write a list of what you’re most ashamed of.

I like to suggest writing only five. (Let’s not get carried away, OK?)

Then, you can begin to study these situations not as if you are the problem, but looking at it as if you are a part of a whole. Watching what thoughts you had running. What frightened you most, what upset you, what threatened you, or angered you?

What I know is, when you identify a person, place, thing, event that bothered you or deeply disturbed you in the past….

….and begin to investigate without freaking out….

….you may find a freedom you never thought possible.

It all begins with the question:

Is it true?

1:00 pm PT Facebook Live on shame today, for about 15 minutes. Ask questions (writing), listen, comment. Let’s talk about shame. https://www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace/ If you can’t make it live, it’ll be there as a recording right afterwards.

Much love,

Grace

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Get super judgey…and put yourself back in the nature of things (it’s called The Work)!

Sometimes, doing The Work is super embarrassing.

Have you noticed?

The invitation is to be petty, childish, honest, ridiculous, critical, judgey….all the ways you’re trying NOT to be. For years!

And now, to do The Work, we’re supposed to write down what really, really bugged us about that person or that situation?

Yikes, that’s a hard pill to swallow. Is it really medicine? Won’t it hurt? I can’t REALLY let all those dreadful thoughts out on paper and write them down, can I?

I’d need to burn the paper when I’m done writing!

It seems like that would be going down the WRONG path….right?

Often, there’s such a deep feeling of NOT wanting to judge in any way (it’s bad bad bad) we get furious with ourselves for being this way.

I should change. Something’s wrong with ME. Obviously!

The thing is….the left turn into I-Must-Change zone is just as tricky and difficult as the negative judgments about other people in the first place.

You THINK you’re taking the burden off those other people or those situations you didn’t enjoy (or that terrified you)….

….and placing the burden on yourself (you are the only person who can change, after all)….

….but you MISS the fact that you’re still judging, condemning, upset, troubled and absolutely 100% against What Is.

No way are you loving what is. Not even accepting what is.

So who would you really be, without the troubled story that what went down was wrong, and shouldn’t have happened?

Who would you be without the belief it was your fault, or theirs, or anyone’s?

There’s nothing like The Work for bringing you into a way to stop trying to aim your arrow and shoot at the thing that screwed up (including you).

Who would you be without the belief something went wrong?

Holy smokes. I know. It’s amazing.

“Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened for me, rather than to me’ isn’t a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

If you need to spend some time (I sure did) with this practice, step by step, in the company of others and receive the deepest support in your work, come to world famous Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon for the annual summer mental cleanse retreat. June 21-25 Weds evening through Sunday lunch in beautiful quiet near a stunning river, gorgeous cabins in a pristine old-growth forest, with all your meals. Optional hotspring soaks on your free time.

A place of retreat, joy, nature, the freshest air, and questioning your troubles. On the last day, the very special labyrinth walk in The Work. For more information visit here. Mental health counselors earn 26 CEUS. ITW candidates earn 24 CEs.

Much love,

Grace

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Are you waiting for better thoughts?

Argggh. Isn’t this plane going to take off soon?

Late, late. This sucks. I’m so tired. That’s all I needed was another hour added to this already-long flight. So annoying.

What kinds of thoughts enter your mind if you’re waiting?

Yes, ANY kind of waiting. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting to hear about the job. Waiting in line. Waiting for morning. Waiting for the holiday. Waiting for the results of the test. Waiting to eat. Waiting to become enlightened.

What does it feel like to wait?

Irritating. Worrisome. Infuriating. Heart-wrenching. Sad. Frightening. Uncomfortable. Boring.

Who would you be without this story of waiting?

What an astonishing question!

Who would I be without the belief that I am actually waiting?

What is waiting anyway? A feeling like we’re not there yet, or don’t have something yet, or right now is unfinished or not quite all of it.

Who would I be without that belief, in this moment while sitting on an airplane noticing we are not moving, hearing the anxious voice of a passenger many rows behind me ask when we’re taking off?

Peaceful. Noticing slow and fast, anticipating and willing to also be here, no demand something change now, for my personal benefit.

Ready to see where this goes (this day, this moment, this empty space).

Maybe even very excited. Full of wonder about this mysterious unknown moment, with unknown things in it, and an unknown future.

Turning it around: I am not waiting. In this moment, there is nothing missing, nothing anticipated, nothing impending, nothing to worry about.

No lack of knowledge, no such thing as “late”, no lack of bliss or absent enlightenment or awareness. Nothing happening before it’s time, or too soon.

Could this be just as true?

What’s OK, or even wonderful, about this moment sitting in a quiet plane that isn’t moving?

I relax with eyes closed. I feel the chair beneath me. I hear sounds. I picture needing to spend the night in an airport somewhere because of a missed connecting flight, and realize it doesn’t matter if I do–that would be an interesting adventure.

I hear the voices in my head that call for inquiry, and notice I have nothing else more interesting to do right now than The Work. I get out my laptop and begin to write. No need to turn my phone back on.

My four major projects I hope to work on during this trip seem suddenly possible, fun, and not so overwhelming. I have time. I love time.

Who am I without my belief that the plane should be moving, when it isn’t…that I’m waiting right now (as the plane begins to move) or that the flight itself is a waiting zone?

Without the belief in waiting, I’m very clear, just doing what’s next, one thing at a time. Feeling love for anything that flashes in my inner vision. Watching the backs of peoples’ adorable heads when I look up, all the glorious shapes and sizes and colors and hair.

Resting.

Even with that old outdated repetitive thought about enlightenment being somewhere else, or in other people who aren’t me….

….I’m simply being. Here.

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?

How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?

What scent of old wood hovers, what softened 

sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world

than the breathing respect that you carry

wherever you go right now?

Are you waiting

for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this

new glimpse that you found; carry into evening

all that you want from this day.

This interval you spent

reading or hearing this, keep it for life–

What can anyone give you greater than now,

starting here, right in this room,

when you turn around?

~ William Stafford

 

Without the stressful story of waiting, I’m here.

I may not have chosen it, I can’t say I prefer it to something else….

….but this is all a mystery, I’m not in charge.

I respect what’s appeared.

Seeing, smelling, hearing, being this one that I apparently am right now, connected to the world, breathing this gift.

Much love,

Grace

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Get clear enough to deal with what’s actually true

Have you ever thought someone’s getting more than you of something you want?

What makes them so special? How come they’re the lucky one (not me)?

They have it. You don’t.

This shows up in a thousand ways (or, is it just one way, really….read on): they have more money, they’ve accomplished exactly what you intend to accomplish, they have the best partner, they have a beautiful house, their life is better because they travel, had kids, never had kids, eat the “right” way (better than you), they have a stronger, younger, healthier, more beautiful body, their kid is doing much better…they’re more enlightened and peaceful than you.

Ow.

By comparison, you lose. They win.

Find just one of these moments. You are comparing yourself with another human.

Is it true they’re doing it better, faster, clearer, more creatively, stronger?

Yes! Did you see her? She started at age 25 running a business and now at age 45 she’s a multi-million success story. Why didn’t I have that kind of a drive when I was her age? Did I tell you about my mother’s influence on me? She would…

Stop. Are you answering the question “is it true?” or starting to explain, describe, share, paint the picture, tell a story?

It’s a simple question!

Is it true that person over there is doing it better?

Yes.

OK. And are you absolutely 100% sure it’s true, with no shadow of a doubt, at all?

No. I have no idea. There’s that way, there’s this way. I’ve had many adventures, I don’t know her world. All I have is this momentary perspective, and a thought about what success is.

How do you react when you believe someone’s got it better than you, or succeeded (and you haven’t)?

Sigh.

I want to get away from them. Or stare at them and watch for clues about how to copy them.

I feel disheartened. Images come to mind of their smiling life, and my struggling one. I’m alone, or I’m surrounded by losers. They’ve got it made in the shade, a care-free life of service, or pleasure. They’re doing it the right way. They’ll go down in history as making a difference. I look, by comparison, like a chump. And be forgotten.

Or perhaps sometimes, you act with defense when you’re believing that person over there is better than you. You feel aggressive. You give reasons why you’ve got something better than them, whether it’s determination, spit and vinegar (as my grandma used to say), a good work ethic. Or maybe you’ve had harder circumstances to overcome because of x, y, z.

Yeah, that’s right!

But who would you be without this story that they’re better, you’re worse?

Seriously, if you had no thought or belief that they’ve got something you want, what would it feel like? How would you stand in that other person’s presence, with no feeling of wanting anything? What if you came from another planet entirely, with no reference for comparison? You simply looked at them, and observed?

Hmmm.

It’s not about ignoring your needs or desires. If that person has a glass of water, and I’m dying of thirst, I could ask them for some. They might say “yes”, they might say “no”. Without any thoughts about anything being better or worse, winning or losing, I simply ask for what I need, or take some kind of gentle action.

Without the belief they’ve got something I want, and it’s not terrible, or frightening, limited and it doesn’t mean I’ve lost….

….I notice I’m fascinated with what’s happening over there. I’m curious.

I’m also enjoying myself, right here, on the inside. I’m feeling happy, joyfully watching the wonders of the world, which happen to include this person and their accomplishment(s). Nothing needs to be added to me, or taken from them. No winner. No loser.

I’m delighted with people who do NOT have any apparent accomplishments, too. In fact, everything in my environment fascinates me. I’m open.

Without the thought I’m losing, she’s winning, I’m even delighting in my own interests and desires. I’m totally inspired by this woman I’m looking at. Look at this amazing thing she did, starting young in inventing a business from scratch and sticking with it for 20 years. It shows me what’s possible. I’m thrilled with my own path unfolding. It was nothing like hers.

Without comparison, it’s all brilliant. Failures, successes, an unknown dance. I might have done the worst thing ever along the way (according to me), but without the belief I’m a loser because of it, and she’s a winner….

….I am free. Energized. At peace.

Turning the thought around all the ways I can find: There is no win and lose. She’s not doing it better. I’m doing it better, for my life. I’m doing it better, for her.

Oooh, how could any of these or all of these be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, every life is full of peaks and valleys and every single one of these peaks or valleys has taught me immensely. Wow. I certainly had other important things to focus on besides starting a business at age 25. It was called ending my addictions and discovering a new way to look at the world, and myself. I wouldn’t give it up for something else. (I couldn’t anyway, point taken). There is no win or lose. It all crumbles as soon as I start looking closely.

I’m doing it better for me. True. There’s no one who could do my life except me. So of course I’m doing it better than anyone else. My job is to be this one, here. Not that one over there.

And what if I was doing it better, for her? She could find my life path just as inspiring. I might have something to offer her. Including appreciation for the clear and powerful example I’m seeing right before me of career success. She might enjoy me being over here, just as much as I do!

Ah the beauty of seeing how incredible it is to be able to observe another human, or many other things in the apparent environment, and notice they are included in my path, because I’m seeing them.

They are a part of me.

Oh! Ha ha!

Not separate. Not left out.

Included, connected, open to all the beauty this beautiful mind discovers–so many things it loves….EVERYWHERE

“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Much love,

Grace