Category: Relationships

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I’m guilty because I’m white

fieldofnothing
Beyond the field of color coding

Not long ago, someone suggested that it was unfortunate, and kind of weird, that a program I’m participating in to explore death and dying, culture, family, place, history, tradition (and the loss of it)……has mostly white people enrolled.

It’s not the first time, or the only area in my life, where the people attending and participating appear to look a lot like me. Which is white. (And we could question this, about what color/race is, and if it’s who you actually are.)

In meditation retreats of 500 participants I’ve attended, there’s a small handful of people who are other colors than white. At the School for The Work there was 98% white people. In a career training program I was in 8 years ago, all 15 participants, and all the trainers were….white.

Now, there’s absolutely nothing “wrong” with this, of course.

Until.

Someone has a tone of voice or a statement or observation that sounds troubled, critical, worried.

Why are so many of you…..white? Aren’t you all privileged?

Ow. Yikes. Ugh.

What happens when you think you’re guilty, or you shouldn’t be complaining, or something’s wrong because….you’re white, or another race, or you’re male, or you’re from “x” country, or you do “y” job?

Oooh. I almost forgot. Shoot.

I shouldn’t complain or be disturbed. There are so many other people far worse off than me. Why am I even enrolling in meditation retreats or educational programs or doing The Work? My ancestors had all the perks. Right? I have opportunities other people don’t have.

Other people don’t have the time, or fortitude, or resources, to attend retreats or educate themselves about the mind, or study, or “relax”.

This is a very deeply stressful and dividing story.

That what you are….is based on false beliefs, ignorance, privilege….and others are worse off than you. That what you are is your appearance. You’ve got it pretty good, by comparison. You think you have it bad? Check out those Other People (and quit complaining, while you’re at it)!

They are suffering, you’re better off.

Is that true?

It hurts when your answer is “yes”.

They Are Suffering!!!!

Can you absolutely know it’s true, that your story is easier, better, more privileged than other peoples’ story? That you doing The Work is an elevated position? That your enrollment in “x” program is smoother than for others of different races or backgrounds?

That they are suffering, and you aren’t (by comparison)?

OK. It seems like, based on comparison, the answer is “yes”. It’s true I have had it easier historically compared to other stories I’ve encountered. Or my ancestors have.

But what if you had no problem with the observation that most of the people in your circles in “x” program look like you? What if you didn’t have stress about this unplanned “segregation”?

How do you react when you believe you’ve had perks?

I believe there’s something wrong. Guilty. Ashamed. Worried about complaining. Dismissive of my own suffering.

I’m suddenly taken back to elementary fifth grade, middle school, high school. Whites are the minority at school, not the majority like the city population or the immediate neighborhood I live in. I get called names sometimes, and the names include my race. I’m from the group who is doing it wrong. I’m not that cool. My boyfriend breaks up with me to go out with a girl who isn’t….white. It’s better to be Not White. Obviously.

This is an old, painful thought. What I am, “my” people, are the perpetrators. The ugly ones. The uncool.

The leader/author/teacher of the program I was participating in, where someone asked about why almost everyone was white was completely undisturbed with the question when it came up, hanging in the air in the hall where we all sat for our lectures and contemplation and note-taking.

He answered, without a blink of an eye, not very bothered.

“Because the people who are here need this program, apparently, and many others who are not white, don’t. Not right now. That’s the reality.”

Oh. duh. OK.

By comparison, I may have a privileged background. But I do not know my background shouldn’t be as it is. I don’t know that I shouldn’t be enrolled in the programs I’ve been enrolled in. I don’t know I shouldn’t be practicing meditation, The Work, or studying the way I do.

Who would I be without this story that I’m white and I should/shouldn’t….(fill in the blank)?

Without the belief that what I look like means “x” and I should feel “y” I notice….I have absolutely no idea what or who I am.

I watch my mind contort. I notice I’m interested in what’s familiar and unfamiliar. Right and wrong. Good and bad. That’s the way of the mind. Up and down. In and out.

My mental process naturally moves to find solutions, rest, safety. I have no idea what’s really true, or what’s going on.

Just like everyone else’s mind.

I turn the stories around:

a) They are not suffering, I am suffering, b) everyone and anyone can question their stories–it doesn’t matter your age, history, family, race, origin, c) there is no “genuine” suffering or “ultimate” better off….not for anyone, d) this thinking about suffering, brings suffering

Every one of these has been just as true or truer.

How could it be a good and natural thing that all these white people (again, me included) are enrolled in this program, or reading that book, or at this function or event, or doing The Work?

Well, perhaps we are all helping to address imbalance, war, fighting, separation and identity….and losing it. Maybe we’re in a training preparation for awareness, clarity, vision, and letting go of shame. We’re drawn to something truthful, and we have the means to enroll ourselves and get involved. Maybe we’re concerned, and taking action.

What if it has nothing to do with being white, and everything to do with being white?

Right on time. Perfectly on schedule.

What would you be without your story?

Can you do your work, no matter what race, or gender, or orientation or preferences you have?

I notice when I feel included, and not so afraid, and loving, and willing, and open, and when I question my stressful thoughts…..

…..I connect. I am not a color, I am not a body, I don’t have a gender, I’m not my name, I’m not an age. This thing called “I” is rather undefined and moving. Just like my life, which is very temporary and will be over at some point, perhaps not so long from now.

Without my beliefs about race, I follow what the Buddhists call Right Action.

Something’s alive and on fire and living love, and passion and care for what’s around me. Everyone’s included here. This means all the people I ever put into their own “special” category like the 1% or the 99%, or those who voted that way, or junk-food eaters or pop-drinkers or drug users or liars or patriarchs or hypocrites or men or women or bullies or fundamentalists…..and me. I am also included here, as someone I care about very much.

What would I be without my story of prejudice?

Good question.

Fearless. Kind. Connected. Radical. Gentle. Curious.

Looking forward to seeing what happens.

“There are no differences in our true nature.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. A beautiful example of inquiry on racism is right here. No matter what race you are, question your thoughts about it.

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That difficult person? Maybe not as important as you think

criticalperson
When they’re angry…. ….you don’t have to close your heart over it

The first time I really paid attention to Leonard Cohen’s music was at Byron Katie’s School for The Work in March 2005.

Leonard was someone who had been raked through the horrible doubt of wondering whether life was worth living. And been forced, in a way, to question what he was thinking and believing to be true.

His music expressed it and inspired this investigation.

And it sure can be wildly helpful to be inspired in your inquiry, because it’s not exactly an easy journey to explore what you’ve always believed to be true.

Even a terrible, awful, no good, very bad belief might at least have solid ground, be something you’ve felt certain of.

You feel like you can count on knowing what’s wrong, and what’s right. What’s good and what’s evil.

That over there is No Good. That condition on planet earth, my family, my dad, my mom, my grandfather, people who do “x”, other people who act like “y”, that country, this war, that dreaded incident.

At least I KNOW they are evil, bad, wrong or not for me. When someone or something is horrible, I know who to stay away from.

But what if you’re wrong about that?

It’s usually not anywhere near as black and white as we make it. There is no 100% all-time clear solid “evil” and no solid 100% clear “good”.

But let’s say, just for fun (ahem) you think Someone or Something is pretty close to 100% badness.

Kind of stressful, right?

I have someone in mind. So let’s do The Work.

That person is evil, terrible, negative, wrong, rude, hateful.

I see someone in my mind who is right now doing a stellar job of cutting off all friends and family in her life connected to a certain circle. She’s slapping sarcastic statements around full of spitting judgment, nasty comments, global sweeping comments like “you all have never, ever been supportive….”

Is it true, that name-caller is bad? Evil? Acting like the names they’re using on other people? Unforgiving?

YES.

She must be really messed up, to be so mean and vicious. In fact, I’m sure she is. Prejudiced. She doesn’t know or care about me personally at all. She’s acting exactly the same way as the people she’s accusing. WORSE. She….

Oh. Right. Answer the question.

Can you absolutely know that person is evil, wrong and bad to the core?

No.

How do you react when you believe they are?

The wall between us is 7 miles wide. The energy feels caustic and hateful. The fear is flowing, or the grief.

I avoid her. I try not to ever think about her, but I do anyway.

So who would you be if you didn’t believe that person in question was evil, bad, wrong, hateful, terrible, dangerous?

It doesn’t mean you’re pretending they aren’t acting destructive or you’re denying and playing like they don’t matter.

This question is asked while you STARE at that person, sitting in their presence in your mind, holding them in your thoughts, remembering their words or their emails.

Who would you be, watching what they did and said, without the story they are EVIL or bad, wrong, whatever your words are that describe what you’re seeing?

I’d become aware of how terrified that person is. How desperate. I’d see how they are believing many thoughts and following them without question. I’d see how much they suffer and complain and demand and tantrum and they don’t know how to connect, love, share, or relax.

Would I like to be that person? Not at all. I know what it’s like to believe with a vengeance. I’ve done it many times, when thinking about them.

So what would it really feel like to pause a moment and wonder what it’s like over there, without the belief it’s wrong to be like that?

What’s the reality?

This person is acting like that, saying that, doing that. This isn’t about agreeing with it. But notice what happens when you argue with reality.

You lose.

As I return over and over again to who I would be without the thought, I remember I am not forcing myself into some kind of mind-game, but instead I’m interested in opening up to Not Being The Knower (since I find it’s incredibly stressful, and often inaccurate).

How would I treat myself, how would it feel to be me in this moment as I look over there at that fuming person, who’s obviously very upset?

I’d feel compassion. I’d feel the hurt and heartbreak, too. I’d notice my heart, deeply, and how connected I actually feel, even in the middle of the disconnect.

In my situation, as I think of this person I’ve known for many years who has gotten very upset with everyone and been extremely judgmental….without the thought she’s wrong or evil….

….I notice how quiet it is over here in my own business, with myself. All that happened is someone got upset. She had her reasons. I don’t have to understand them all Right Now.

Turning the thought around: that person is good, right, creative, loving. I am evil, bad, wrong…especially when it comes to my thinking about that person.

This is not about slapping yourself for doing it wrong, being judgy, doing it poorly, making a mistake, screwing it up, or using your bad-ness as proof for why that person got upset in the first place.

Can you really know it has something to do with YOU that they got so upset? Can you really know YOU caused the rift, the difficulty, the anger? Can you really know if you had done it differently, it would have gone another way, or any better?

No.

Good to notice.

I do see that when I believe someone else is completely evil or weird, I myself am full of feelings of disgust, rage, worry, sadness and other stressful emotions coursing through my system.

Not so positive. Not so Can-Do. Not so relaxed.

And that person over there, she’s doing the best she can. She’s taking care of herself. She’s trying a new experiment. It’s probably perfect for her….not wishing for connection with an old group she’s been very disappointed in, and instead dropping that expectation and venturing out on her own.

These activities are worthy, good, supportive of something in her own life. She’s becoming more independent. She needs the adventure, the break, to connect with different and new people instead.

Nothing wrong with that at al! It’s very loving to herself, to stop interacting with people she doesn’t enjoy, or who she gets wildly triggered by.

Plus, it gives the rest of the old circle a break, including me.

How could this whole interaction, with that person having a hissy fit, and my mind having one, and all that’s gone along with it….

….how could this experience be OK, interesting, an invitation, something deeply powerful and important that needed to happen?

I might not know fully yet.

But one thing I do see….is the Universe has Got This.

It’s allowing what is. No one single person is in charge (I notice I sure am not, and neither is the other person I’m so concerned about). I do the best I can, I question my thinking, I relax into this movie….

….and suddenly, I’m inspired instead of despairing.

Being fully connected with that angry person is not required physically, in person, or verbally, or in writing at the moment. I can feel love and joy for their impact on my life, and this quiet moment I can also appreciate immensely.

Now that’s an exciting, loving, good, softer, unexpected story.

Not an evil one.

Who knows what could happen next, with a freer heart? I might rise up into something I never anticipated. I might create beautiful music. I’d stay present, and roll up my sleeves.

“Here’s to the few who forgive what you do, and the fewer who don’t even care.” ~ Leonard Cohen d. 11/10/2016

“Do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

someone hates me

anger1
that difficult person?….my enlightenment

Uh oh.

Have you ever had someone get mad at you for doing something you needed to do? Something you knew was the right thing for your own life?

People experience someone becoming furious, mean, degrading, maybe even sarcastic or calling names in many situations. When breaking up with a romantic or business partner, quitting a job, laying someone off, telling a friend they’re unavailable, rescheduling an extremely important event….

….or even when very serious medical concerns make it so you have to cancel or change your plans.

You say “no”, maybe after weighing out the decision very deliberately, talking about it with others, feeling into what the best thing is to do, with the greatest integrity.

But the other person is totally offended. You’ve hurt them. You’ve shocked them. You’ve scared them.

This other person is incredibly disappointed. Even devastated.

And then….they get nasty. 

I remember once a very dear friend saying to me in a conversation about romantic love; “you really learn deeply about someone when you break up with them and you see how they act, what they say, how they conduct themselves.”

Several years ago someone very close to me got offended with someone else in our small tight circle. There were five people in total involved.

The offended one wrote to the whole group, asking for support, via email.

There were a few questions from some of us, including me, all popping up on the email thread.

Wait…what happened? What is it you want? But, shouldn’t you be worried about “x” instead of her? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why aren’t you getting along? Why are you in this situation? What’s happening? Can we all meet to sort this thing out, because this is confusing, and it sounds hard!

There were some back and forth, even more confusing emails or texts. Some opinions shared. The desire for understanding.

But then the clincher.

A very sarcastic, cutting, deeply bitter text from the offended one to the whole group. Violent in wording. Accusing everyone of being separate, distant, uncaring and pointless. And that she’s no longer speaking to any of us. None of us understand her.

When I read it, I felt the pain of heartbreak. The way humans become resentful, seeing their plight as a personal attack. Making War.

We all know this story when it comes to couples.

I’ll never forget the shocking surprise I myself felt at being broken up with long ago by my partner at the time.

It was like a ball of fire in my gut. So outraged. Betrayed.

Thank God I had The Work, because I knew, deep stress = the sign to inquire, the sign I am believing something exceptionally stressful and frightening that is NOT really true for me.

I knew in my right mind, if someone wanted to break up, disengage, move on or change up the routine….

….if someone needed to quit, to stop, to try something new, to cancel….

….that it was possible I might trust the movement instead of taking it personally. I mostly didn’t want to react with such fear and panic, and violence even in my head, no matter what the reasons were.

And I was pretty dang violent in my head, when that guy broke up with me, that’s for sure.

“How DARE you break up with me! You owe me! After all I’ve done for you!”

Or the counter-position (and both usually are running at the very same time) “I am worthy of being left, I am unloveable, I am the one who is abandon-able. He doesn’t care about me.”

Ow.

When you’re speaking up, and you know someone could be disappointed on the other side of your request and concern, it takes a lot of courage to say it, if you’re worried about disappointing people.

“They shouldn’t be so disappointed. They should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me.”

Is it true?

Yes.

People should remain connected with each other! They should be kind. They should be loving and trusting. People should be dedicated to freedom, and to seeing life as it goes the way it does–sometimes change is called for. People should be at least civil, and behave like adults.

Um. Oh yes, where was I. Answering the question “is it true?”

Yes, it’s TRUE that she shouldn’t blame me or hate me or be angry with me.

Can you absolutely know it’s true, they should’t be disappointed? They shouldn’t be calling you names, even if they are? They shouldn’t be so angry or upset?

Deep breath.

Yikes.

The name calling is the worst, I notice. They really shouldn’t attack me. It’s not my fault.

Absolutely true?

No.

They are attacking something. They ARE angry. That’s the reality. I can’t absolutely know it’s true they shouldn’t behave, speak, write exactly as they are. If I’m the target, so be it.

How do I react when I think someone is mean, furious, disappointed, hateful?

I feel sick. I shouldn’t do what I’m doing. I question myself. I question my motives or actions. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in a hospital or someone else is, I begin to question my own integrity: “Are you sure you’re sick enough to stay in bed? Come on….your feelings are not important. Other people are more important, like this enraged person who’s mad at you. You are causing someone to suffer. Your decisions are bad. Your work is ridiculous. You shouldn’t even bother. Too risky. You can disappoint people. You need to fix this. It’s your fault.”

I mull over the conversations. When did it go wrong? Could I have known sooner, and intervened? Where did I make a mistake?

Incredibly stressful. And no peace in sight. No compassion or love inside of me, for anything about this situation. Just dread. Sadness.

So…..who would you be without the story that someone shouldn’t be mean, furious, bitter, disappointed or call you names? Who would you be without the story someone hates you, and they shouldn’t?

Are you saying.

It’s OK if someone hates me?

What??!!

Woah.

But.

This question is only “who would you be without the thoughtsomeone does?” They have their response, it looks like they are unhappy–no denying it, maybe they even yelled at you–and you do not have the thought they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. Including anger or upset or hatred with you.

Wow. Without the thought, there they are upset with me, and no belief they shouldn’t be?

Can you find it?

It took me a minute.

I had to wade through all those screaming thoughts about never wanting to upset or disappoint anyone in this world, and trying to be a loving person who is not threatened. I had to feel the deep desire to be a good, nice, kind person, a loving person, a GREAT person even, who doesn’t hurt other people….and the awareness that my movements have caused pain.

But dropping, dropping, dropping all of those ideas and sitting in the presence of someone who is furious, and reading angry degrading words directed towards me….

….who would I be without the belief this shouldn’t be going this way?

….I remember feeling that way myself, when I felt abandoned, betrayed, lost, and terrified.

I wanted to lash out.

I went silent. I felt crushed.

Turning the belief around “they hate me, are completely disappointed with me”…..

….I hate myself, am disappointed with myself. Yes, when I start piling on all the ways I should never, ever disturb anyone, like it’s possible not to, like it’s my job to keep everyone happy (whew, overkill on the responsibility department).

I hate myself when I push away my own desires and preferences, or ignore my own integrity just to please someone else. I hate myself when I say “yes” to make someone happy, but I feel the “no”. I hate myself when I don’t tell the truth, no matter how disappointed someone might be.

What’s another turnaround?

That angry person doesn’t hate me. They aren’t disappointed. Maybe they even love me.

Well….yes. They really wanted my companionship. They wanted me to share the dream they held of being a couple, or being in business together, or supporting them. They didn’t expect me to say “no”.

Maybe they had a lot riding on this, and I didn’t even realize it. They were hopeful, they were counting on assistance, they were in need.

Back to the little group of five I mentioned: the enraged person should have been that angry, she should hate me/us, she shouldhave behaved and said it just like the way she did with sarcasm, condemnation, bitterness.

Hmmm. It seems like it could have been said differently, with more grace and kindness. It seems like love and peace should look like people speaking thoughtful mature words.

But this is finding examples of how it was perfect, the way it went.

OK. I’m willing to do this work, because I want to be free. For one thing, I see she was honest. She spewed. She got super sarcastic. All communication stopped, so it was no longer confusing, it was over.

Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be part of the group for awhile….maybe this gave her a kind of permission to be as she truly is, and the rest of us some other kind of freedom? I notice some benefits.

Ahhh, the turnaround “I hate her”. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me

Byron Katie has a powerful saying, like many of her repeated awareness concepts.

“You’ve been spared”.

This doesn’t mean time to rip the other person to shreds. It just means noticing with great clarity that they hate you, and they’re distancing themselves. It’s not so bad to have someone who’s so angry want nothing to do with you.

Plus, she’s right.

I AM judgmental, have high expectations, protective, a flake, unreliable, confused, unaware, stupid, mistake-maker, doing what works for me without concern for others, not listening well, inconsistent, ditching the needs of others.

As a human being, I am here living a life.

I am at times a burden. I require food, water and other necessities, it appears. My presence and choices affect the lives of others. I am not always able to help everyone. I will leave people, disappoint people, not do a good job, screw up.

Could there be a benefit? Could it be a good thing? Is there a brilliant reason why Person #5 cut off and ditched the entire group and said ‘you are not people I want to connect with!’ and ‘I hate you!’ (which I notice now, was never said….I just assumed and felt it).

Well, I get to find out now. Without any story.

Exciting.

Who am I without this belief that no one ever should be upset with me (or hate me)?

Happy.

“Challenges force you to become more present. Through being challenged beyond its comfort zone, the body gets stronger. Through other people, we get stronger. I learned to regard these humans as blessings….These relationships are spiritual practices….If nothing goes wrong, there is no movie. The character doesn’t develop. It’s a bad movie. In a good movie, as the character faces his or her problems, he or she grows, changes, develops abilities he or she didn’t have before. In very good movies, there’s some kind of spiritual realization. But only…..because something went wrong!” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

respecting anger

rightanger
it’s not easy to be angry….but a powerful practice to learn, to get brilliant at, to feel without regret

I love The Work and all forms of self-inquiry. I love mindfully and compassionately questioning beliefs and assumptions.

But once upon a time early on, I was painting myself into a bit of a corner when doing The Work, without realizing it right off the bat.

It’s something I’ve observed happening, sometimes, with self-inquiry that’s NOT necessarily a true taste of freedom.

OK, OK….the reason I mention this is because I did it for several years! Fine!

(Which of course, when you question it, is the amount of time it was supposed to take to knock it off….no slower, no faster).

The thing I was doing that didn’t bring much freedom?

It’s called….trying to be peaceful, blissful and happy at all times, with everyone, and using The Work with the motive to NOT feel emotional pain, to NOT discover you need to make amends, to NOT realize you were wrong, to NOT lose your identity or “your” belief system

We don’t need to go THAT far.

Doing The Work was for me primarily using The Work when extremely shaken up, or in obvious conflict with what was going on. Not about anything mildly disturbing. Those things, I would just say “no biggie” about and brush them off. And wish I could do the brushing off thing with ALL disturbances.

Sometimes, I’d also do The Work with troubling events and situations just enough to take the edge off and get back to even-keeled. As they say for those sailing across great expansive waters.

For me, it was as if grief, heart-break, big changing feelings, anger, passion or suffering were BAD and were signs that something went WRONG.

Oh…there’s a rain storm? I want sunny shores! And let’s not even talk about hurricanes.

A huge overwhelming urge to Get Happy. ASAP. And Never Suffer. Never feel bad.

But If you try to make sure you never do Feeling Bad….

….uh oh.

Like I did, you might be creating an army of forces inside yourself trying to catch stressful thoughts the second they happen, to almost numb out, to constantly be striving to override all uncomfortable and troubling feelings quickly, quickly through inquiry.

OMG! I’m not happy for a second! Quick!

Yikes.

Of course, I fell flat on my face. I failed in maintaining happiness the way I was defining happiness. I thought it looked like calm, clear, kind and easy-going at all times.

Not that other messy stuff.

The discovery of this impulse to Be Happy came after I realized I was deeply against Being Angry.

I had no idea I was so against it. Poor Anger.

It was wrong, unacceptable. Terrible things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Hatred, killing, war, theft, destruction, banishment, jealousy, woundings. People have done horrible things for centuries because they felt anger. We should definitely all be working on never getting angry, I thought.

Hadn’t I learned I was supposed to control my temper?

Plus all the nice people in the storybooks and movies and fairytales I read or saw were…..well…..nice.

They never got angry.

Right?

That decision came alive somewhere in middle school years. Be the nice person. Don’t get angry. And by the way, don’t like other people who are angry either. They’re very frightening (and doing it wrong).

Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to step back from wild angry energy, and especially if someone’s expressing it by throwing plates.

But I cut the whole thing off, like chopping off my arm. And if I FELT anger (whatever I was calling anger, which is an interesting part of this inquiry) then I thought I made a mistake, wasn’t kind, and missed something

OMG! I think I felt angry for a second! Fix yourself NOW!

So let’s take a look, with inquiry.

First of all….what is this thing called “anger” we’re talking about anyway?

It’s a feeling. In the dictionary it’s described as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, hostility.

What I would do in the past (it’s still partially an automatic reaction to the experience of the energy of anger) is freeze.

Or…if I felt safe enough with the person or situation, or like I’m willing to risk being a jerk even if it’s honest…I’d blow my top or say it, with conviction. Literally, steam going off. At least it felt like this on the inside, and it probably looked sort of like this from the outside too (although admittedly rare).

As I navigated through my mind and The Work and discoveries about anger, I asked the great questions.

Is it true?

Is it absolutely true that anger is dangerous, violent, terrible, wrong? Is it true it’s bad to feel it?

Who would I be without this story….and especially since anger is here, present, in the room, already in my body?

Who would I be without the horror story of anger?

Suddenly, I started finding turnarounds of people who were angry, and who stood up and spoke it, named it, expressed it without hatred, and made huge impact on their communities, on their cities, on the world.

Could it be that anger is powerful, important, part of reality…..for a good reason?

Crikey!

But wow. What a relief. To know I feel this energy called “anger” sometimes and it calls me to inquire, and also to ACT.

Turning it around: this anger is right, acceptable. Wonderful things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Love, creativity, peace, giving, silence, acceptance, rebirth. People have done amazing things for centuries because they felt anger. We should NOT all be working on swallowing our anger, but instead on actually expressing it well, powerfully, without shame, clearly, with passion and love.

A very long time ago, as the story goes, my father and mother were growing increasingly separated as their lives moved into 20 years together. They did almost nothing together anymore. My dad was quiet at home (living out the old belief model “thou shalt not ever show anger” as best he could). My mother was working a new job.

Apparently in that tumultuous time, something happened inside my dad. He no longer fought and pushed down and resented silently what was happening.

My mom speaks of it still to this day, when asked.

My dad, waiting until my mom returned, spoke to her with great conviction and energy, and anger. “I am NOT going to let this happen! We’re talking about this….NOW!”

It was a terrible, amazing, wild and wonderful many-hours conversation, the two of them locked inside their room upstairs telling the truth to each other. With anger and passion coming up and out of them into the air between them, instead of either one trying to be the perfect communicator of something “intense”.

The marriage turned around completely.

A few years later, they had a ceremony renewing their vows. My dad didn’t live much longer, as he got cancer and died a few years after that. And I’m not saying I know it was perfect and clear from that point forward. This is between them anyway. But I do know expression was called for, if they wanted true honesty. And it looked like anger.

What if you don’t HAVE TO GET THE ANGER OUT (or some other kind of instruction and rule about anger and how bad it is)?

What I notice about anger is….it comes and goes and pops and flows.

It has a brilliant message. Called…”time to inquire!”

It is not to be dismissed quickly, or abruptly, or forced out the door or down inside.

(You might end up eating too much, like I did, if you do that….which is very unpleasant).

What if you lived the turnaround of getting very genius at feeling angry, noticing how you aren’t ALL anger, and maybe anger can be felt inside love?

What if you allow anger to show you where you’ve been afraid, or compliant, or giving up?

After I realized what I had been doing with anger, and every situation I did The Work on that “made” me angry (squelch the fire of anger immediately). Instead, I let it come alive, but in a contained area like the way we build a fire in the fireplace. Letting it be as it was, allowing it to be a wonderful red hot messenger. Letting it bring the fire of truth.

After I discovered this about anger, I broke up with someone I was dating for the first time ever in my life who I had done a whole pile of worksheets on. I felt sincere appreciation for being in relationship with this man for the short time I had known him, and the intense experiences I had with him, and all the times I had said “yes” when I meant “no”.

And I honored this energy, instead of trying to get rid of it with The Work. I spoke loudly, with lazer sharp clarity on the phone. I remember him saying “but now we’re friends” and that he wished we would continue to see each other, talk, spend time, share. I knew the most loving thing I could possibly do for both of us, was to say what then came out of my mouth: “No. We are not friends. Not that way.” And I hung up.

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ~ Aristotle

If you are feeling angry, I say…first, do The Work. Absolutely. So much clarity can be discovered.

Then, the loving living turnaround may be saying or doing something very powerful to the right person in just the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. It will feel right. You won’t feel ashamed later. Everyone will be honored. You’ll have integrity for both yourself and the other.

No more messin’ around.

Much love,

Grace

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I quit

hcpemachodronquoteYou know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?

Sometimes….argggghhhh.

So frustrating.

Yesterday, I had quite the list of tasks and appointments and writing time planned. These involved being out at the library, or driving in my car to visit the post office and office supply store. Only two clients scheduled on purpose, and the last week of every month has no Year of Inquiry calls….

….time to sit down and map out the full Eating Peace Process which will start in January, the upcoming Relationships retreat at Breitenbush in early December….

….and really make progress in writing and outlining some of the new updated curriculum.

But then, a doctor’s appointment turned into an hour of waiting before it even began.

And suddenly I was going to be late for a client whose number I didn’t write down in my calendar (never good).

Racing home, everything was bumped an hour late.

My mom left a message saying “call me today, I need to book flights for spring ASAP!”

My email Inbox was a mile long.

The home phone cable line stopped working. And the internet disconnected twice.

Then knock-knock on the door and new internet equipment has arrived after 3 months (or a year) of trying to figure out what would help.

Attention turned to putting the new modem and router together (which went surprisingly well) but I needed a special part for my computer, and to return an old part to the internet store so I stopped “renting” it month after month.

Five hours later….

No writing done on programs, probably the most important thing I could have been doing (in my opinion). No Grace Note written (which is one way I “do” The Work).

And the thought “this is too much effort. I quit.”

When I say this kind of thing, I mean the Whole Thing is too much effort. Like, even having this business I seem to do in the first place.

I quit.

What an interesting thought.

It’s like the mind comes up with this idea and it feels pretty good for a minute, right?

This relationship is over! Take this job and shove it! I’m outta here! Sell it all! I’ll never speak to him again! Give all the books away!

I QUIT!

Pictures of no longer paying for internet service, ever, and moving off the grid. (LOL).

What’s really kind of funny is how it’s not possible to actually “quit” most of the things you think you can quit.

But let’s look. Because it sure it enticing and sort of has a wild passionate fire-energy inducing feel to it.

Quitting what I do for a living is a good idea.

Is it true?

Maybe you can find something you think of quitting from time to time. Your primary relationship. Moving to a new house. Moving to a different country. Quitting your job.

It’s what you want to do, really….is it true?

No. It’s almost funny, for me, it’s so untrue. You may have noticed, though, depending on your situation, the feeling of wanting to “quit” something many times.

How do you react when you think this thought in earnest? What happens when you imagine you want to quit, you say in your head “I am so leaving this” or you feel the urge to walk away?

Sometimes, people with this thought begin to imagine what it will look like AFTER they quit, and get scared.

Yesterday when I was doing the zip-zip around of unexpected movement of the day, I had an old CD in my car audio player. It was Byron Katie doing The Work with a young woman who felt she couldn’t read certain books in her house because her husband would throw them out.

“He’s controlling me” said the woman.

I was fascinated with how and why someone would stay in a relationship situation like that….and I listened closely. I remembered hearing this work long ago, but I was so intrigued at the thoughts in my own head basically saying “Why doesn’t she quit?!!!”

Hmmmm. Maybe the mind loves coming up with this quitting solution, but it’s not necessarily the best one, or the easiest, or the most efficient.

Who would I be without the belief that quitting is the solution? That quitting is the way to not have to deal with something or someone anymore? That moving, leaving, shutting down is the best or primary answer to a difficult relationship or schedule?

Who would I be without the story of “I QUIT!”

Wow.

Even if there’s a furious little 2 year old having a fit in the background (the one who loves quitting)….

….I would notice it’s not possible to quit.

This way of thinking, the furious mind that loves to try to control situations, and make big grandiose statements, and jump to conclusions, and protect from further uncomfortable feelings….

….doesn’t quit.

Ha ha.

But it doesn’t mean I have to “do” what that Quitter Voice says.

I can look more closely at what I object to in the first place, that inspired the quitter to come forward.

Usually….fear, lack of freedom, sadness.

Turning the thoughts around: “I” don’t quit.

I notice the thoughts sometimes can yell about quitting, but the body does what it does and life moves as it does.

The relationship continues to be very important, even in my own head, whether the person is in the room or not. The activity continues to draw me, whether I know why I’m doing it or not. The movement of love continues to happen, whether I’m resisting it or not. Rest occurs whether I think I should be working harder, or not.

“It is possible to choose awareness instead of resistance. Switching attention from the resistance of ego-identity to the intelligence that animates us is a skill we can learn. And it takes practice.” ~ Cheri Huber

Resistance arises as a thought, and I follow it or believe it, or I don’t. I notice another turnaround is truer: thinking quits. 

It’s here, then it isn’t. Poof! It’s gone.

Another turnaround: “it” quit me. The relationship, the job, the business, the location, the activity.

When it does. Not really me in control and dictator of this situation, I notice.

Again….laughter.

“Do you choose to actively or passively change your life? Good; you made the right choice. Why? With or without you, you seem to change, and with or without you, something always seems to happen. It isn’t necessary that you do it.” ~ Byron Katie

Notice, notice, notice. Awareness.

The power of noticing, becoming aware, seeing it from a greater perspective….far bigger than the little mind will ever know.

I stay.

(Until I don’t).

Much love,

Grace

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The one Big Question to answer if you want to live your turnarounds

Light in the Cave of Pain, Sickness and Death Using The Work
Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.

Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….

….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!

Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?

Where do I begin?

Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.

You might notice the same.

Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.

Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!

But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….

….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….

….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.

You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.

Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.

Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.

Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.

It’s a diversion.

OK? Agreed?

Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.

Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.

This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.

Because what do experts say, quite often?

Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.

To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).

So, follow along with me here.

Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.

Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:

What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?

As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.

For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.

Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).

What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?

Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.

Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.

You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).

So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?

Then…you can answer this next interesting question:

What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?

So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?

I know.

If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.

I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.

But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.

What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?

What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?

What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?

What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?

As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.

One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.

I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.

So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).

Now my behavior was very extreme.

This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).

If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….

….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.

What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?

It’s your teacher.

Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.

As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.

Been there.

You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.

Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).

What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?

Study your fears.

I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.

They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.

How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?

This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….

….but I say, run with it.

Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”

Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).

Who would you be without your story?

You’d be living your turnarounds.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And the best news of all?

The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.

Drop the “probably”.

Much love,

Grace

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True love: welcoming people doing what they do (even if they fight)

fightinggorillas
Who would I be without the story “they should quit fighting!”

Someone close to me doesn’t like someone else close to me.

OK, they’re related.

Let’s be honest.

And those two over there are at odds with each other.

One of them is driven to therapy in order to understand what’s going on, and feels pain about what’s unfolded.

The other is cutting everyone off and giving the silent treatment (and probably also feeling pain).

Oy vey.

The perfect Yiddish way to say “woe is me” in English, only it sounds better somehow.

You know those warring people you know? Or maybe whole entire nations? Or corporations? Or countries? Or those friends?

They should get along. They should talk. They should be close.

Is it true?

Yes! How could this not be true? People should get along. War doesn’t work. Jeez. Give me a break. Really? You’re asking this question?

Can you absolutely know this is true they should get along?

Yes. Well. Hmmm.

I suppose it’s OK if people don’t get along, but they shouldn’t point guns at one another or have fist fights. Maybe their behavior is what shouldn’t happen, when it causes violence, sadness, despair, or the continuation of the war.

I guess it’s not absolutely true they shouldn’t get along. Some people don’t. Maybe they can live on the opposite sides of the boundary, and enjoy themselves.

How do you react, what happens, when you think in your own life that those two should get along….and they obviously don’t?

Do you rage as you watch the television, with the teams playing against each other? Do you yell, yourself? Do you take sides in a couple’s divorce, or feel bad about how to deal with them?

Oh, you talkin’ to me? How do I react? Moi?

I want to tip the table over, all laden with dishes and plates and good food, and walk out and slam the door! Fine!

Good riddance!

Keep fighting, for all I care!

Sigh.

Actually, I’m sad. I feel despair. I have images of them not getting along ever, never finding a repair or balance in the future, or a way to meet and talk and work together.

It’s really desperately sad. I don’t like it. I want to see them unite, and feel love, and be compassionate, and strong.

I judge them as immature. Wrong.

But who would you be without this story? Without this thought that they should get along?

Huh.

Kind of weird.

Because it really does seem like they SHOULD get along. I don’t like seeing them fight, or hearing about their positions and stubborn behavior and rude, frightening words. I don’t like listening to their sarcasm. I don’t like being a part of their war.

But without the belief they should get along?

I see two people really hurt. Extremely hurt. Biting dogs, doing everything they can to defend themselves, to survive.

Without the thought, I stay present and I watch. I don’t shut down and cut them out. I’m here, aware, open, connected.

Watching humans having a hard time, and knowing this happens sometimes on planet Earth.

Without the belief, I remain calm, steady, I feel very rooted to the earth with both feet. Ready to serve, if called upon. But not asserting or injecting my opinion.

Without the belief they should get along, I have no solid opinion.

Turning the thought around: they should not get along. I should get along with myself, with them.

How could these be as true or truer?

Well.

They shouldn’t get along, because they are extremely different in personality, past history, experience, preferences, thinking, and I really don’t know precisely what’s going on inside of each of these people I love.

I should get along with this situation. Yes, rather than go to my room and shut the door (metaphorically). I should leave the door open, keep it light and trust it’s going as it needs to go.

All will unfold in a way that’s required. For these people I adore, for myself, for the family.

I could remember the inspiring Marshal Rosenberg, who worked with so many who argued with each other, but his methods of non-violent communication brought honest talk, and eventually, peace, to many really troubling situations.

What I notice today, is it’s a fine art, a gentle delicate art sometimes, of allowing everything to be as it is as those others fight it out, and also remaining involved and ready to step in at a moment’s notice, if called upon.

“I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.
 
One day, a few years after I first found The Work inside me, my sons began to fight in our living room. I was sitting on the couch, very close to them. They were two grown men, in their twenties, and here they were on the floor, wrestling and pummeling each other and yelling ‘Mom, Mom, make him stop!’ All I saw were two men trying to connect, not knowing another way.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

These two people I love so much, can I allow them to be as they are, working it out?

Yes.

To “live” this turnaround I can think of them both with love, not take sides, trust the process, understand that sometimes, as a wonderful friend of mine once said…..people need sabbaticals.

This is not “never”.

No one has said they will never, ever speak again and become completely unreachable.

Other people are loving and supporting each person, with kindness and care. Everyone’s doing what they need to do.

As Pema Chodron says so beautifully, things come together, things fall apart, over and over again.

The way of it.

If you lived the turnaround of being open to arguments happening in your life, around you, near you….

….what would you do, say, think, feel….

….as this human condition of breaking apart “happens” once again?

Together, apart, together, apart.

What can you do if you don’t shut down entirely and turn the warring parties off, OR, you don’t dive in head first and battle with the same energy? Is there another way, that comes to mind?

Who are you without your story of danger?

If you want more practice of who you are, without checking out or pushing back against reality, but living yourself without your stressful thinking….come join us on Sunday afternoons in Seattle once a month starting this coming weekend. 3-6 pm. Yes, it’s OK to write me to ask about missing more than two sessions and see what dates you really can commit to.

(If you live far, far away from Seattle, stay tuned for an online retreat on living your turnarounds coming within a couple of months).

Here are the scheduled meetings for the Living Turnarounds Group, for the next 9 months (always 3-6 pm) northeast Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage:

  • October 23, 2016
  • November 20, 2016
  • December 18, 2016
  • January 15, 2017
  • February 26, 2017
  • March 19, 2017
  • April 16, 2017
  • May 21, 2017
  • June 11, 2017

Enroll here. Hit reply to tell me all the dates you can attend.

Who knows what’s possible for us, without our stories? Can’t wait to find out. Let’s do this.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If retreat is more amenable to your location and schedule than a monthly group for entering your living turnarounds and questioning your limiting beliefs….Relationships Retreat at Breitenbush in the fabulously gorgeous winter December 8-11!
Warm toasty cabins heated by ample hot springs with big beautiful radiators in little Laura Ingalls Wilder adorable private cabins with extremely comfortable beds (I’ve slept in them for many retreats). You will have a luscious, private retreat investigating your stories, soaking in the hot mineral waters, breathing the deep fresh old growth forest air, and eating exquisite fresh vegetarian meals. Call Breitenbush to ask questions or to sign up 503.854.3320.
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NEVER hurt someone’s feelings! (false)

Is it true, you should NEVER hurt someone's feelings, even if you didn't mean to?
Is it true, you should NEVER hurt someone’s feelings, even if you didn’t mean to?

Awhile ago, someone said if they showed up in Grace Notes their heart would jump right out of their chest.

It’s not the only time someone mentioned this.

I get it. This is really personal stuff. The kind of stuff you wouldn’t like other people to read about YOU.

Which is why I always feel so connected to the people who come to me and share their thoughts, because they are bringing me my own thoughts, the ones I myself have related to, believed, felt, experienced.

They say their thoughts with energy, with conviction, with anger, with deep sadness….

….and I am right there, sometimes vividly seeing, a moment where I could also “prove” this thought to be true in my own life.

I’m literally doing The Work right along with them. I notice the sessions I do always work best when I begin to channel my own situation where I’ve had the same belief.

The other day someone commented on a Grace Note that once appeared the day after a group inquiry session.

“That was pretty intense to read the next day!” said the inquirer who had been at the group and now was sharing with me, “it was great!”

Later, it suddenly occurred to me someone in that group, the very same person whose thought I had written about, had never come back.

In fact, I hadn’t heard from her in a long time.

Oh no! Maybe she left because of my Grace Note?!

“You made a mistake, you did it wrong, you shouldn’t have written that, your words hurt someone, you went too far, you’re too honest, too bold, you need to be careful!!!”

Is it possible to be too honest?

Should you edit yourself, curb your intensity, watch your language, lest you surprise someone with your words?

You should be careful…right?

Long ago, an awesome inquirer who signed up for every teleclass I ever offered plus the very first Year of Inquiry shared with me when first listening to Byron Katie tapes from the 1990s, she couldn’t handle it.

Too much directness, too harsh!

I loved she shared this with me, because it reminded me that everyone has their own flavor and color, the tone they find most helpful….

….and here she was, still passionately doing The Work anyway, still deeply aware that questioning her beliefs was something drawing her forward, a curiosity she was following.

How remarkable she could find the nugget of gold at the center of the words and the teachings, what was being offered, and be so intrigued even if the messenger wasn’t always “right” for her.

So let’s do The Work.

You said too much, you were wrong….are you sure? Is it really true?

No.

How do you react when you find out later something you did, said, a way you looked, words, language, anything….made someone else feel uncomfortable, or hurt, or disillusioned, or sad, or personally rejected?

I feel bad.

I want to reverse time, go backwards, and “fix” it (never write it, say it, look it, feel it, do it).

I try to control myself. I make an action-plan to Never Do It Again. I threaten myself with pictures and images of what will happen if I repeat it in the future. I believe it means I don’t care, I’m insensitive, I’m a jerk.

I find other people who do it the “right” way and copy them instead.

I feel worried about the person in question. I picture them stewing over me, hating my image, planning on revenge, staying away from me, cutting me off, giving me the silent treatment.

I’ve been a source of pain, not a source of love, in their lives.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

But who would I be without this thought?

Who would you be without the belief you personally disturbed someone’s peace?

Wow.

Without the thought my words hurt someone or caused them to judge me, I notice some interactions are super wonderful and easy, and some are weird, some are confusing, some are sad, some are frustrating.

It’s OK for me to move away from someone who’s too loud or who’s yelling or who feels uncomfortable or who acts like a creeper.

It’s OK for someone else to move away from me, too! What….is everyone supposed to love me 24/7?

Maybe this is what our preferences are for.

They show us sometimes where NOT to go.

“When you lose something, you’ve been spared--either that, or God is a sadist.” ~ Byron Katie

A sadist is by definition, someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others. If God is NOT a sadist, but is love, all of reality, all that is, the way things unfold, including people who might not have liked what I wrote….then none of these movements away from me are meant to be painful.

Holy smokes.

You mean, if someone’s offended even though I didn’t mean it personally, it’s the way of it? You mean, I don’t need to work super hard to make sure everyone feels comfortable about what I say, do, or write? You mean, it’s absolutely fine if someone chooses not to like something about me?

Yes.

Turning the thought around: I said it just right, it went the way it did for good reason, it’s absolutely normal and even supportive if someone withdraws their presence from me, it’s good for them, for me, for the world.
The nugget of gold will carry forward. No need to worry.
Everything is happening for me.
Even people getting offended, and leaving me alone.
“Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
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An alternative to fight, flight or freeze….infinite unknown possibilities

There’s nothing like truly connecting with others in an extremely honest way.

Telling the truth. Saying what’s in your heart out loud. Speaking the “worst” words you think, or the awkward ones, the ones you’re worried about hurting others, the ones you’re always trying to delete.

It’s quite radical.

An hour ago as I write this, everyone left my little cottage who was here spending time and moving through the experience of clearly identifying, questioning, and opening up to how we relate to “thought” in a new way.

We become interested in this through noticing (OK, being tortured by) stressful thoughts.

What an amazing thing to even consider there’s another way. An alternative to believing frightening things, uncomfortable things, dreadful things.

One of the most profound places of suffering (hint: it happens almost every time you hate, criticize or judge someone else) is noticing how when you feel anxious and threatened, even from an old memory, it often goes a bit sideways with three options, and that’s it.

Here’s what I’ve experienced:

You see that person doing that thing, saying those words. It’s scary.

You’re threatened.

You decide you need to escape, fight or freeze in the presence of the threatening thing or person.

Just get back to homeostasis, says the whole organism. Get away from the scary thing!

And then the pain enters as the mind chatters with how upset it is you had to go through that terrifying situation, and you never want it to happen again, you never want to think about it, you’ve got to get away, or destroy it, and you have to feel better ASAP.

Then, here’s where it starts getting more difficult, I notice.

You start in on threatening yourself.

How you could have avoided it, like retroactively making it so it didn’t happen.

You should have done it differently. You dunce! What’s wrong with you? Just give up. Run away. What a coward. How embarrassing. You’ll never learn!

It really hurts, this vicious, violent self-talk.

But who would you be without your story that you’re doing it wrong?

Who would you be without your perception of the world as a threat (in the form of that mean person)?

Who or what would you be if you remembered, and felt the impact, and the heart-break, and you didn’t run, freeze or implode or attack yourself, or anyone or anything else?

Not denying it didn’t happen.

Not pretending it’s different than it is, not faking you feel happy when you don’t.

Not believing it all, as Truth.

Not making it MORE than it is, LESS than it is. Not formatting into something to make it easier to digest or impossible to digest.

Just not thinking it with such passion and voracity and intensity.

Without thinking YOU made a mistake or did it wrong or it needs to be changed….

….what would this be like?

I notice whenever I have a thought about me doing it wrong, I’m scared of someone else also, that THEY think I did it wrong. Maybe the person who thought I did it wrong came from the distant past, or the more recent past, but these thoughts about me and how I wasn’t enough or did it poorly only appear when I think someone else thought it first, or might.

Who would I be without the belief I wasn’t enough, or wrong?

Free.

Free to cry, sob, ask for help, say I’m sorry, hug, love, move, live, show up, go on, be a regular human, with all kinds of human emotions.

I might even, without being stuck in thoughts against myself or others, begin to live another kinder way (most likely).

I turn the thoughts around: I did the best I could. So did they. There is nothing threatening me….now. I do NOT have only three choices: freeze, run away, or go to war. I have an unknown, unseen movement of life bursting up through me, expressing as this person, and it’s all temporary, and I’m here. Ready. Alive.

I have other options, like standing in the middle of a cacophony of sounds, thoughts, words, calls for help….

….and opening my arms to this next moment, and the next, with integrity, with action, with joy, with gratitude, with tears.

What an amazing question, to wonder who we would be without our stories of self-hatred or no-way-out.

Here’s my friend Jeff Foster (I don’t know him personally, but I love calling him my friend because it feels like he is). He’s a great example of a living turnaround of what it’s like without believing your thoughts, about yourself, others, life, death, the past, the future. Plus he’s hilarious.

Much love,

Grace

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He wants me to say “yes” but I feel a “no”

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If someone praises you and really, really wants your attention or help, how do you say “no”? First…The Work. Then….say “no”.

Have you ever noticed that praise sometimes gets you into hot water?

As in, you just get this weird feeling there’s a catch, or you feel uncomfortable because it’s too much?

We all know criticism, aimed at us, feels bad (until you inquire) but what about praise?

Have you ever had someone want to follow you home like a puppy, or call you too often, or take you out on dates too much, or go kind of over the top with their “demands” for your time and attention

Heh heh, notice how I used the word “demands”.

Might be something to question here, right?

In Year of Inquiry Monday morning we started our second month topic: Family of Origin.

As I looked at praise in my first couple of years doing The Work, some powerful revelations came to the surface that led all the way back to FOO (short for family of origin, isn’t it perfect?)

But I didn’t really know, when I first started looking at “praise” that it was so stressful.

At the beginning of every month in Year of Inquiry, we start off with an Introduction Session. This is brand new to any previous year of inquiry groups. Time for Q & A, exercises to help understand and work with the topic, and suggestions for HOW to get into the topic at hand.

And family of origin (FOO), as you certainly know, is a big one.

Which is why I go there early, in month two.

One exercise I offered everyone in YOI is something that worked well for me. Somewhere along the way I noticed I had the same repeating Top Ten Hits over and over when it came to highly charged stressful beliefs.

To be honest, it was more like the Top Three stressful beliefs: I am abandoned, I am unloved, I am starving.

Now, this doesn’t mean I was starving for food, literally (although I ate like this was the case—major clue).

But these thoughts followed me, ready to be riled up or triggered or churned up at a moment’s notice. And that last one, the one where I felt like I was starving, was a tricky little devil for seeking and needing and wanting and craving love.

Praise was like an elixir, like a drug. Give me more. Oh, that person likes me? I shall now follow them everywhere.

I know, yikes. Bummer. Can’t praise be OK? Compliments, someone saying “yes”, I want you, I love you? Can’t those be good things?

Well of course they can be beautiful and supportive words and actions from someone else towards you, but sometimes….

….not so much.

I’ve had a couple of those kinds of relationships, not just potential love relationships, but also friendship without any sexual expectation or attraction whatsoever, and yet still a grabby, hopeful, I-need-you type feeling.

Sometimes, someone even writes to me with some of this energy. It goes with the territory of working with people on their pain and suffering. And it’s OK, because I’ve been doing my work on this. I feel the compassion of how I felt the very same way, and followed the same track of desperation (and then hid it for fear of being too much). I get these people who have tons of questions and want to connect and converse and bond. With inquiry, and having my business itself be to assist the process of feeling desperate, it’s not a problem. I am compensated for my time. I even love answering their emails.

But the other day, an old friend I don’t have much contact with left me a voice message with the words “I needed a friend” and the implication that I wasn’t there for him, being a friend.

Which was true. I wasn’t “there”.

Part of me didn’t like the tone.

You should have heard the chatter start up in my mind, like a forest of disturbed monkeys, as I re-listened to the voice message.

Is he implying I’m not a GOOD friend? I think he is!

He shouldn’t make me feel guilty about not wanting a close, sharing, on-going relationship. He’s soooooo needy! What a clinger. He has plenty of amazing friends and a massive support system to be held up by, why does he need to….

Oh.

Right.

Who started this internal dialogue and fearful war within?

Um. Yeah. I raise my hand.

All that person did was leave a message, expressing himself.

Since we’re in the FOO month of Year Of Inquiry, I became aware of the presence of my father, standing behind the message. The tone, the voice, the hoped-for response, the dilemma, the praise given and therefore an expected return.

He’s sad. My father is sad. He’s in need of love. My father is in need of love. He’s depressed. My father is depressed. He’s going to be upset unless I say “yes”. My father is going to be upset unless I say “yes”.

I should call, this person needs help, I am the one who gives support, my love is requested, my support is desirable….therefore, I must give it.

Otherwise….what? What’s the worst that could happen?

I see the person showing up at my house, in need. I see them needing endless support. I see them believing a good friend is someone who listens….for hours, at the expense of their own time.

A friend is someone who doesn’t say “no”.

Suddenly I also see another family member in my mind’s eye, only a few years ago. “You are family” she is saying. “I would do anything, for any of you, any time. I would give you the shirt off my back. You are the people I’m closest to. Ask me for help, I’m always here.” Tears are running down her cheeks with the emotional feeling she’s expressing of love and care for family.

And then, someone in the family did something, said something, and this very same person is not speaking to the entire family. She is not reachable, she shows up at zero family events, and she’s been vicious and angry with her words.

So much hurt, so much pain and agony.

THAT is the worst that could happen, I realize. (See #1 Top Three Stressful Beliefs Above).

When you don’t do what they need, in the name of love, you arebanished.

Banishment leads to starvation, which leads to grabbing and gorging, which leads to banishment. Oh lord, the pendulum swings so far out of the middle, your head gets whacked back and forth.

So let’s look at this unusual place of too much praise, in the other person, and thoughts about needing to rescue, or respond, or say “yes”….and if it’s really true!

He needs my attention, kindness, and love. We have to talk if he wants to talk, and spend time together. I need to say “yes” to make him happy.

Is that true?

Woah.

It’s not.

I can feel love, joy, appreciation for someone I really honestly care deeply about, and not be hanging out with them, or communicating with them, or living with them, or supplying them with help.

I can say no to any of that.

How do I react when I believe the thought he needs my love, attention, kindness? When I believe I need to say “yes” to make him happy?

OMG, it’s sooooo stressful.

Hand-wringing. Compromising. Pretending. Smiling when I don’t feel like it. Making excuses. Acting nice when I don’t feel so nice.

Ugh.

Who would I be without this story that this other person needs me, or would be so happy if I gave attention, or love, or approval?

So free.

Free to come and go, say “yes” and say “no” in the way that’s TRULY honest and natural.

Without the belief, I trust myself and I trust reality….I feel the “no” or the “yes” and I honor it, instead of debating it or fearing it.

Turning the thoughts around: He does not need my attention, kindness, or love. I need my own attention, kindness and love. I need his attention, kindness and love. 

We do not have to talk if he wants to talk, or spend time together. I need to say “no” to make him happy. I need to say “yes” to myself to be happy.

Yes, I need to follow my own inner movement. I can say “yes” and then change my mind. I can say “no” right from the start. I can say whatever the words are that respond to what I feel honestly, without mincing them or changing them all around or making them light so they land well (and wind up confusing).

He doesn’t need anything from me. He is self-sufficient, gentle by nature, and sorting out his life (this fits for my dad, it fits for my friend). He doesn’t need me to say “yes” in order to be happy! He has happy times, and busy times, and a whole entire life without me.

It’s more efficient, even, if I say “no” when I mean it. For everyone involved.

And wow….I haven’t realized how much I love the praise at being an attentive, kind, caring, wise person. I needed my dad’s approval. My friend’s approval.

Yikes.

What if I needed their DIS-approval, when I say “no” after they asked for my time and attention?

With their disapproval, rather than praise, I might see how I stick with my “no” even if they don’t like it. I might not do love-hate flip-flops like the family member I mentioned who loves then hates everyone.

If I’m disapproved of, rather than praised, I might remain very steady, open and available. I would do The Work. I could keep sharing and communicating. I would not feel the need to force any firmness, but just feel willing and kind. I remember what it’s like to disapprove of someone if they don’t praise me or say “yes” to me.

I could trust myself to be with that other person, freely. And they could trust me to be a truth-teller.

“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.” ~ Byron Katie

When they praise you and you notice that you love them (and love yourself) with all your heart, your Work is done.

Much love,

Grace