Relationships – Page 11 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

October 3, 2016

you need opposites….to fly

goodbye1 — goodbye and hello you must have two wings to fly

As always, a little shuffling goes on in September for the Year of Inquiry program that just began. One person joined last week, one decided to leave, one switched to Eating Peace two weeks ago.

I suddenly realized something, with some of the thoughts in my brain about shuffling, in and out, joining and departing: I’m feeling unhappy about the instability, the lack of guarantee, the comings and goings….namely the “goings” part.

Again. Oh jeez.

I know that may sound like….well, of course. This is something to be unhappy about if someone withdraws, leaves or goes.

But it also sounded to me like the echoes of a belief I’ve questioned before about people leaving in general, and I thought “oh brother, here we go again.”

I need to know who’s in and who’s out. I need to know when, how, and where.

Temporariness is hard to live with, it seems, to my human mind.

But is it? Is this actually true?

The most gigantic temporariness I ever realized was under the spell of something to be feared, worried about, horrified with….

….was Endings.

In the form of death especially.

A huge Nooooooo shouted up at the sky for the “ending” of something. Over. Finished. Done. Wail!

This doesn’t have to be about the Big One (death). It can be about a relationship break-up, a job ending, the family home being sold, divorce, the end of a vacation, or like I mentioned the whispering sadness of a lovely person dropping a course.

Goodbyes are hard.

Is that true?

How do you feel, speak, react when you believe goodbyes are difficult, or unbearable, or an emergency, or must be stopped?

I’ve worked with so many people on this topic.

Huge inner stress.

This past week, I’ve been in northern Ontario province of Canada with a brilliant group of learners all gathering to talk about and inquire into wisdom, death and dying, connection, temporariness, life and living.

One topic brought forth was the act of saying goodbye.

Here comes the voice, the thought…I can’t stand goodbyes. I don’t like parting ways. I don’t want this to end. This shouldn’t be this way. I need it to keep going, and never stop.

Is this actually true?

Because, I notice, reality has goodbye and hello and goodbye and hello over and over again. Constantly.

Which means even if someone has not left, they might. So even worrying about something departing later, in the future, becomes frightening, and how I react….when I continue to believe that departures are bad.

I clutch. I grab.

I often looked at money this way. It needs to stay, and grow, and never say goodbye.

Is it even true that you need to keep the thing you’re worried about diminishing later?

You don’t have enough love (when this person leaves your life). Is that true?

You don’t have enough money, energy, support. True?

You don’t have enough clients, work, people in your retreat.

Is this actually true?

No. I find over and over again…..no, not true.

Perhaps very drilled into our bones, though. Such a common stress. I’ve experienced it time and again. I’ll look at so many little things like it isn’t enough, compared to “that” over there. I need to keep this, I need more, I need to take, I need to be connected, I need to have.

And I notice, when I think my empty nest house right now is not as good as the full house with a “complete” family in it, I suffer.

But can you really be sure goodbyes are sad, or bad, or to be avoided? Are you positive you don’t have enough people around, or love, or support? (Even if you’re sitting in a room by yourself)?

No.

How do you react when you believe “Goodbyes are bad!” (In my case, I’m thinking about people withdrawing from something I’m offering).

Woah is me. Pity party. I quit. Cancel everything. I can’t do it right. Why continue to bother.

Now….who would you be without this story?

Without any thought at all that what’s happening isn’t enough right now, that it’s off, that more would be better, or it was better before these changes? Without the belief that goodbyes are hard, or intolerable, or to be avoided?

I would be so much more clear. More present, more aware, more alive. More feeling full of the heart-break of departure and the joy of reunion, but somehow trusting it all and knowing it’s not up to me, and I can make a clean “goodbye”, or hear one, without regret. With trust.

I might even be laughing, without the thought that goodbyes are bad.

Without the belief in Bad Goodbye’s Good Hello’s I would notice the tide going in and out, and the emptiness of any moment, also full, in this world of both/two/duality/multitudes.

Maybe even laughing and then crying, almost at the same time, and allowing even this to be as it is.

Without the belief that goodbyes are ultimately bad, I’m aware of the equal and opposite advantages for any given moment, I become excited. Turnarounds are so thrilling and wild to try on!

This goodbye is not hard. I like this goodbye. I like this hello into something new that doesn’t involve the same format as before. This is NOT goodbye.

I love parting ways….with my old outdated thinking and stories. I want this to end. This should be this way. I need this to happen, just the way it is.

With the story of Not Enough-ness or “OH NO!”….

….I’m taking in information about what is, and maybe I make adjustments and changes not only to this moment as I inquire, but also to my program(s). Something new is created. I feel the “hello” along with the “goodbye”.

Without this story of being against What Is, I learn to move with the flow, and the sheer joy of this life not being mine.

This is not “mine”. Departures or communions, both not guaranteed to go as I think they should. Both not “mine”. Both definitely happening. Both in the hands of something that knows more than I do.

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings. God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.” ~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Fall Retreat is sold out full, but there is a spot in Year of Inquiry. We have only just begun Month 2 out of 12. Write to me if you’re seriously interested. If you join YOI then we can squeeze you in to Fall Retreat, or you can join YOI for telesessions-only if you’re not able to attend retreats.

September 26, 2016

You do not have to be good.

depressionbrickwall — Are your thoughts about yourself creating a brick wall of suffering? Who would you be without your negative thoughts….about you?

This past weekend I had the privilege of being with a small group led by someone who has had first hand practice in The Work of Byron Katie for thirty years: Katie’s daughter, Roxann.

My favorite thing about her story and her insights was describing how she used to do The Work with her mom, and Katie would say “you can’t harm a human being and not feel the effects….and YOU are a human being.”

In other words, when we tell ourselves awful, nasty, vicious things, when we’re harsh with ourselves, when we do things we find dishonorable or out of our own integrity (even with no one else around)….

….we feel bad.

And it’s amazing how powerful the Self-Attack Voice can be.

I once heard Annie Lamott, the beautiful writer, call it radio station KFCK.

Something happens, you’re triggered, you turn on the radio, you find the channel, you tune in, and here comes a constant stream of “I hate you” language, followed immediately by “you suck” feelings.

Yikes. It really hurts.

And of course, what I always used to do with this voice constantly talking in the background (sometimes screaming), was to do everything possible to make up for my wrong-doing, to improve myself, to fix me, to become a better person, to eliminate the negative (and when this didn’t work….eat, or whatever escape mechanism of choice was available).

It’s a lot of work.

Instead, what if we invited that voice to come in for tea, and we questioned it instead, or had a more civilized conversation?

I know, I know….we’re inviting in a crazy screaming person, but what if they’ve been screaming because they’re trying to help, and we’ve been ignoring them?

This morning, I noticed when I woke up…..wait, what’s that sound?

I hear something in the other room. Do you hear it? Oh my….yup. It’s that radio station I just mentioned!

It’s saying: “You should have finished the outline yesterday, you’ll never get your project done. You have one day to finish laundry, have you packed yet for your trip tomorrow? No, I thought as much. Leaving things until last minute again. You didn’t read the whole book, either, the only homework required for the program. You try to do too much. You don’t do enough. You haven’t meditated recently. Why’d you buy organic jelly beans at the grocery store?”

So today, let’s slow down and be with this voice, directed to ourselves.

I like asking these questions, when it comes to this voice: What is this voice most afraid of? What’s it trying to ultimately accomplish? What’s it worried about? Why does it think you should follow it’s directions? What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t?

I sit and consider the answer.

You can do this right now, if you want.

Pause.

What’s that voice really scared about?

I’m failing. I’m not good enough. I can’t ever do it right. I’m not worthy. I made a mistake. I am abandoned. It’s possible to be banished. I could die.

I notice this feeling is like a gut wrench right in the middle of my stomach. My chest feels like dust is stuck inside my lungs. My body feels tired. I feel nauseated. I feel like giving up.

I feel very, very sad.

And what if now, we asked some simple, yet deep, questions about this kind of voice, energy, judgment, conditioning?

Called The Work.

First question: Is it true that you are personally not good enough, unworthy, or need to be somewhere else? Are you sure you can’t feel love and joy for yourself, that you made a mistake?

No.

If you answer “yes” then be sure to ask the second question: Can you absolutely know this is true without a doubt, for all time?

No.

Even if you say “yes” keep going.

Next question: How do you react, what happens, when you believe you should have done it differently, you’ve got something “wrong” here, you’re unworthy of acceptance and kindness in this moment?

How do you react when the way you are….scares you?

I notice I feel small, tight, closed. I feel like a victim. I actually behave like a victim of my own KFCK radio station as it plays on.

A few weeks ago, someone in the brand new Year of Inquiry group wrote to me and said how overwhelmed she felt about beginning this work as a constant practice, because as she wrote her worksheets on other people, and turned everything around, it all came back to herself. She’s doing it wrong. She’s got the qualities of “badness” she’s seeing in others. She’s screwed up.

But as Byron Katie says “turnarounds should feel like a kiss, not a slap!”

These attack-thoughts, or outward-movement thoughts, are only there and alive because they’ve been passed along and it’s the way you learned.

A “Fear Based Religion” as Roxann said this weekend.

I’m believing in fear, I’m believing fear will “make” me snap out of it, pull it together, and shape up! I’m believing that fear will make me change, or wake up. I’m 100% positive I’m asleep.

I’m forgetting the power of love, acceptance, and open hands, not tight fists. For some weird reason, it seems easy to forget “love” as the power. We’re not familiar with this way. We didn’t learn it. We’re not sure we can trust it.

And yet.

Who would you be without your story you’ve done something wrong? Who would you be without the story you need to fix yourself, or wake up, or be any different, or shape up, or prevent terrible things from happening?

Who would you be right now in this moment, as you read these words and consider “being” without believing anything’s wrong with you whatsoever?

Again, it may be time to pause.

Feeling what it’s like to be without the thoughts that something’s missing, something’s wrong, something’s bad, something’s off…..about you.

Without believing your thoughts of self-condemnation….

….you may just have a good cry.

Turning these thoughts around: I’m succeeding. I’m good enough. I constantly doing it right. I’m worthy. There is no mistake. I am connected, I am love. It’s not possible to be banished. I am living.

All is well. I am safe. No mistake. No mistake. No mistake.

Turning it around: My thinking is failing, not good enough, constantly believing in wrongness, unworthy, making mistakes, believing in banishment, believing death is terrible and to be avoided.

And what if this is good news, that my THINKING can’t find answers, or fix everything, or correct all potential emergencies or problems, or make everything better?

That’s a lot to put on the energy of “thought”….right?

What if something else is here, besides all the frantic, chaotic, mean thinking? Simply being.

Simply being.

Who are we, without the story that we have to believe our thoughts?

I noticed, as I inquired this morning….silence.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Much love,

Grace

September 24, 2016

Do endings, loss and death mean…..it’s true?

Work With Grace — Who would you be without this sad, scary story?

Have you ever known someone close to you to become ill, get injured, or find out something devastating?

Yes, everyone’s had this kind of moment in life.

“Dad’s got cancer.”

I remember hearing these words from my mom.

A panic began to rise inside, instantly.

What does this mean? Wait…what? What kind? What happened? Why? What’s going to happen?

The mind is filled with pictures, imagination, possibilities, trying to grab information desperately.

A huge NO fills the body. No, I can’t take this. No, this can’t be happening. No.

When the “worst” thing happens, it’s shocking.

When my dad was receiving treatment for leukemia, which lasted about two years, he was sometimes very sick, sometimes better. He lived just about exactly the length of time they anticipated. The doctors knew so much about the disease, and trying all kinds of ways to make it go away. To fight it.

That was a long, long time ago in my life experience. I was in my twenties, living pretty close by to the big house I grew up in.

I didn’t have inquiry, but my mind had so many questions. Constant questions. Disturbed questions. Questions I had no answer for, couldn’t answer.

Many years later, when I discovered self-inquiry and The Work by reading Loving What Is, I thought….

….well, it’s good for feeling angry and upset with your neighbor (judge your neighbor, right?)….

….but I didn’t even imagine using The Work for situations of life and death.

But then, I was in a weekend workshop with Byron Katie, never having successfully “done” The Work after reading her book, and I recognized one of my greatest, deepest, terrifying, sad, frustrations in life was…..death.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had a very weird and troubled relationship with loss, change, things being temporary, endings.

The biggest ending of all being “death”. The biggest “neighbor” I wanted to judge was loss, death.

I had something, and now it’s gone. I have something, and I will lose it.

My health, my boyfriend, my wife, my kid, love, my life, my daughter, my house, my necklace, my guitar, my friend, my dad.

It was mine. I had it.

Now it’s lost. It’s gone. Or will be.

Forever.

This is hard for some people to think about. Well, I speak for myself.

It’s hard to look at these places that have been so painful. But oh so powerful for The Work.

Stay with me here, and let’s do it today.

As you see those things, places, times or people you lost….

Is it true you lost them?

Yes. All gone.

Are you absolutely sure? Do you know this in the most deep, absolute way?

Are you positive the energy, love, kindness is lost? Are you sure it’s gone, just because you can’t see it or touch it? Are you sure everything about it is completely 100% gone?

Do you need it to be present physically, in order to be happy?

Wow. No. Not really.

I should still have that person, that thing, that other situation.

Is this true?

Who would I be without these thoughts?

Who would I be without BELIEVING these thoughts?

I notice no thoughts hang around 24/7 without one single other thought coming in for a visit. There are seconds, moments, of other thoughts.

The day my father died, I am quite sure I drank water. I went to the bathroom.

Probably several times. I was capable of having that thought to get up and go. It appeared. I went. People brought food. I ate a little. I breathed. I spoke to my sisters and my mom. I stayed. I was there, holding my dad’s hand as he died.

Who would you be without the belief you lost her? You lost him? You lost it?

I’m not saying something profound didn’t happen. But I love how I like to write about my dad’s death, as I feel the tears sometimes still arise, “it was unbelievable.”

That’s what we say about profound moments, eyes-wide-open moments, present moments, astonishing moments.

Unbelievable.

Turning the thought around: I did not lose my father. I will never lose him.

I lost myself. I lost awareness.

I believed I couldn’t survive loss. I believed there was nothing here, remaining, with myself. I believed I had something, it was mine, and now it’s gone.

Who would you be without your story of losing?

“It’s your body–can you absolutely know that that’s true? That’s a very old concept. ‘This is mine. I say so’….It’s not yours. Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true. When you know that you’re not that, you can sit back and watch.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Could this be also the case for my father? My house? My childhood? My earrings?

Not mine in the first place.

And not required for living, or loving, or happiness, I notice.

Today, can I find evidence for how I gained, how I received, how I lived….instead of the opposite customary sadness?

It doesn’t mean “trying” to be positive and fakey or plastic or thrilled about death or loss.

But I have discovered, with The Work, it’s miraculous to wonder who I would be without my stories of death and loss, and to find examples of joy, acceptance, receiving, kindness, even benefits for what has happened….

….and maybe even though I apparently lost….I also found.

Maybe all my thoughts about death and loss are….

….unbelievable.

Much love,

Grace

September 22, 2016

Are you playing the game “pass it on”?

fooretreat Old memories. Scenes from childhood. Flashes of color, sound, movements. Feelings.

We all have these kinds of memories. Even if you’re one of those folks who says “I can’t rememberanything from my childhood.”

You still might have pictures floating through your mind’s eye of mother, father, grandma, great grandfather, first grade classroom, best friend, doll house, TV show, sister, brother, cousin, chicken pox, Narnia, pet.

But it’s true, the mind can’t really remember exactly what happened, or even see it with crystal clarity.

How do we work with foggy old scenes and memories? And why would we want to in the first place?

Well….no one has to go back in time that far, especially if you just don’t have a clear picture anyway….

….but one thing I noticed while doing The Work for awhile was I got a feeling within when thinking about family, or places I lived, or the walk to school.

Sometimes very pleasant, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes….

….awful.

Now, we know with The Work, the first step is to identify a moment in time, a situation filed in the mind, where something happened that was unpleasant, uncomfortable, or really distressing.

This invitation isn’t new with The Work.

There’s wisdom in revealing, unearthing, seeing, looking directly at the things that frighten us. Humans have done it for decades, maybe centuries, as we’ve examined suffering, love, and peace, and life’s meaning. There’s even power in telling a story, and having it heard by others (especially without trying to solve it).

The awesome thing about The Work is….looking at the story in such a deep way, you’re able to question your assumptions.

Why is this so powerful?

Because sometimes, those assumptions are not true.

Yes, the event happened. Yes, those people said those mean words. Yes, it was so unbelievably difficult, your heart broke into a million pieces. Yes, you felt loss.

But THEN what happened?

What I noticed is, I’d make conclusions about the Whole of Life because of what my dad said, or how my mom acted.

I didn’t stop to question the truth-for-all-time.

Guess what happens when you assume that the way reality exists around you MEANS the WHOLE world is like this?

You suffer.

At least I sure did.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up men’s feelings really easily. Grown up men are kind, loving, sad and depressed. They seem really sweet when they wear wire-rimmed glasses and read lots of books. Tread lightly around men, though, they could easily be sad and needy.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up women’s feelings really easily. Grown up women are caring, involved, give orders, don’t take no for an answer, and have high and very intense standards. Make sure you pay attention to what they want, and give it to them. Otherwise, they’ll write you off, or get very angry.

Just a couple of examples.

It seemed like my mind could generalize like nobody’s business.

I was swimming in the influence of the people immediately around me, and then started having contact with others of course, and adding to the files of “What Life Contains”.

Without any questioning, you can go on being careful forever.

When I lived like that, I always had to find my little hidey hole, like a tiny crab, and put up a few walls around me so I was safe.

It was a lot of work.

It resulted in lots of anxiety if anything appeared in my reality that was unusual. It resulted in lots of running away from people who scared me, or not saying “no” or “yes” clearly to others or myself. It resulted in lots of compulsive behavior like overeating and isolating. It resulted in lots of trying to find answers for how to feel peaceful in life.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

The honest truth is there is no Always Peaceful All The Time on the human level for most of us. Right?

If a big loud bang happened right now, my eyes would suddenly jump from my laptop, I’d go open the front door and look outside, my heart might race, my mind would wonder what was going on?

If I was on the deck of the Titanic and it was going down, I’d probably be trying to find something to float on.

But who would I be without the belief that what I’ve experienced in this story of life….

….means “be careful” or “this is forever sad” or “I can’t get over it” or “death” or “all is lost permanently” or “this is the way it is and it’s horrible” or “Emergency!!!!!”?

Who would I be without my story, without the story of my history?

What if I went back to my old original founding stories, and imagined that whatever has happened, anything at all (but especially anything frightening), is not totally intolerable, or a warning of what is to be avoided, or what could be worse?

Who would I be without one thought from the past, just one thought at a time?

I notice it doesn’t mean I SHOULD be without any thoughts (this would be another interpretation or assumption that would be somewhat disappointing)….

….it just means I’m not entirely overrun by my mind, and “thinking”, and the sad or scary story I am so sure is true.

I’m free to Not Know.

What if what happened with the people around me when I was really little, with a mind gathering information and making comparisons, and filing Safety Rules….

….was not such a sad, terrible, difficult, horrible story?

What if I could turn it around, with this brilliant thinking mind, and use my imagination to see benefits, or support, or love, or silence, or that I’m still alive?

I have found questioning these ancient stories, some of them go back to ways of being that existed before my family. My mother’s parents, my father’s parents, and their parents before them….

….all kept saying “watch out” and “be careful” and “life is horrible”….

….”pass it on”.

What if I could stop passing it on, by questioning these stories?

It doesn’t have to be so big, either.

Just one thought at a time.

“No one told me there was a way out, short of death. I thought you had to die of this body to get out of this….Think about the torture your mind has been sometimes, and there’s no way out. These people who kill themselves, they have no other way of dealing with it. And for me, when I had no other way of dealing with it, it looked like an act of mercy…And I came to see through questioning my mind that there’s a whole other way out. So I really stayed with it, and I found my way out.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

If you want to question your stories, especially about the past, we’ll be doing it in October right where I live and work in northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage (named by my friends when I moved in).

It may be easier than you think.

Four days. Learn more about it here.

Much love,Grace

September 18, 2016

Relationships are hard.

Someone in Year of Inquiry sent me a great question the other day:

How do I do The Work on my feeling that Relationships are Too Hard?

I just don’t want to even try, because….too hard.

She meant love relationships. Partners. Romance. Attraction.

It’s so interesting how the mind does this….It comes up with huge broad statements about All Love Relationships.

We all do it.

The thing is, I replied to her, you may not find much satisfaction or clarity or awareness if you simply question this general thought “relationships are too hard.”

There are a few steps, first, that make the work far more personal, deep and effective.

If you do this first step, you’ll get your personalized prescription for happiness (which is what you so long for in the first place).

Here’s the step, which I suggested:

First, write down, like you’re journaling just for yourself, why you think relationships are too hard. So hard, you’d prefer not to have one.

Where’s your proof?

What is your evidence for them being so very hard….so difficult, troubling, confusing that you’ve concluded (or a part of you has) it’s not worth the trouble?

Byron Katie asks this question…”where is your proof??!”

Stop being so general.

Notice what your own experience has been that tells you they’re hard, all these love relationships.

What’s so great is….a few hours later, this lovely inquirer replied back that she had done her first-step work.

She had a list of moments or situations in primary love relationships that appeared to be hard.

But mostly, her former marriage was the hardest of all.

That one.

That one was so hard, it seems it would be better to never have had it. Many bad memories, painful experiences, moments of feeling criticized, blamed, hurt, unappreciated. It was especially screwy when it came to money. And this was a huge big concern with other relationships.

The next step?

You can write in your journal again: Make a list of incidents, situations, communications in that previous marriage that were “hard”. If money is involved in your “hard” moments, then find situations where you’ve got proof.

Really hard. Horrible. The worst.

Now….you’ve actually got your real “proof” of truth….your proof of why relationships can be so hard. It’s specific. It’s crystal clear. it’s vivid.

Relationships are hard because “this” (see bad picture in your mind) happens.

This kind of looking helps you find the entry point for The Work of Byron Katie. You need a specific moment or situation. Now you’ve got one.

As you picture the one difficult exchange, incident, situation in your mind….you can write your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet without editing, without holding back anything.

The Judge Your Neighbor worksheet will be golden, as you write about these situations so full of suffering, sadness, difficulty, and your “proof” that relationships are hard.

I know it’s “hard” remembering these situations in the first place….

….but when you complete The Work from start all the way to finish….

….the hard becomes easier.

A flashlight gets shined on the darkest, murkiest, foggiest places and you see specifically, personally, what the truth really is for you in those situations.

And when you “see” there’s less suffering. And less.

It’s worth it.

Because only then, can Relationships become easy.

Which they are.

My “thinking” about relationships was the hard part.

“There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

For help on any relationship, and going in for the real, deep work….come to Breitenbush Hotsprings in December for 3 days. Find out more right here.

Much love,Grace

September 16, 2016

Not Objecting to What Is with teenager, a laptop, and a queue the size of Montana

Ohhhh, yeah.

This is gonna be FANTASTIC, I have the BEST ideas.

I’m going to give my daughter a going-away present for college. Called my mac laptop airbook, the one I’m writing on right now.

Sure, it’s used. But it’s soooo amazing. It’s traveled with me without having one single weird or bad thing happen to it, oh trusted laptop, for 4 years. It’s got some good life left in it.

I need to upgrade so I can better support my classes and retreats. I need way more memory space on my machine. I’ve got curriculums designed, extensive feedback, photos to archive, and no one can find how to pay me on my website. Ever. Videos to make, podcasts to share. All created more easily on the new, faster-better laptop.

Win. Win.

I’m all excited. I tell her I’m going to do this, I can finally afford a device with more memory, and I’ll help her get all set up on mine.

She looks at me like….What??! Are you serious??!

“But mom, your computer will probably crash in one year. Macs are so junky, you have to upgrade them all the time. They only last five years! I don’t want that old thing, jeez!!”

Uhm. OK.

Not so Win Win as I thought.

This is not the first time, with this kid of mine, that I have it not only slightly off, but ENTIRELY WRONG.

However, I feel something inside and it’s different than the way I used to feel when she said things like this or surprised me with her reaction.

Calm.

Like, a shrug. Oh, OK. Got it.

I didn’t pursue it one more second. I’m not that surprised, I’m not hurt, I’m not having much of any reaction at all. (Every so often, wondering what she’s thinking about computers and if she needs one, then I forget about it).

A month goes by.

Daughter is leaving for college in 2 days. She approaches me as I sit on the couch writing.

“Mom….I don’t know what to do about a computer. I’m going to need one badly at college. I’m nervous.”

I look up and again, total calm–shocking. I say “remember I mentioned you could have this one?” I raise my laptop off my knees and tip my head.

“It’s all yours if you want it, I just need to get a replacement and figure out for sure if I can afford the upgrade.”

“Oh….I didn’t realize that’s what you meant before. Really??!!! That would be AWESOME.” She comes over and hugs me.

I have one day to go into the Apple Store and see what they’ve got, before she leaves for college, but I can’t tell you how different this pace and flow is from the past. The pace on the inside is total calm. The flow on the outside is just a relaxed ‘OK, we’ll see what happens’. No emergencies. No urgent wild freak-out. No saying she should have brought this up earlier, or figured it out weeks ago.

No saying “I TOLD you before and you were ungrateful, rude, and now it’s too late and rag, rag, rag….”

I just saw her cute eyes and her enthusiasm and her relief, and who knows what that was before, with the “junky macs” commentary. She didn’t even seem to remember it, and I didn’t require we go back there and review the “mistaken” communication in the past.

I’m just sayin’ here….there are results that I can find no other reason for happening than The Work.

I’ve sat with fuming feelings within around this daughter. I’ve felt hurt, and lost. I’ve felt confused, and shocked she doesn’t love exactly the same things as me. I’ve been mad she doesn’t vacuum before I have to ask. I’ve been startled at her forceful comments.

I’ve written a few worksheets.

I’ve imagined and felt what it would be like to Not Have The Belief she’s hurting me, she’s opposing me, she’s against me, she’s disrespecting me.

And now, I feel such gratitude for how much I love her and how wild and unexpected she is, like the weather, like reality….but always safe for me (I’ve never been hurt in her presence except by my own thoughts).

She’s been caring, challenging me. Like the ultimate “life” coach. She minces no words. She calls me on my B.S. especially when I expect people to like what I like.

TA: This is going just right.

I head down to the Apple store to check out the new goods, for myself, and get their help wiping my old laptop clean so my daughter can start fresh with her own stuff

Only….a small hitch.

There’s a line around the block of people waiting to get in to pick up their new Iphone 7.

For some reason….this is HILARIOUS.

I even go back 7 hours later and find….it’s even MORE crowded during early evening. They tell me no one can help me, too much hoopla over the Iphone thing. I’ll have to come check out new laptops another day.

I learn about ordering online, later, back at home.

Because I got to come back unexpectedly fast from the Apple Store, without anything new in my hands…..I got to see my former husband (father of my kids) bringing pizza over, talk to my son who stopped by for a couple of hours, help out with car-loading for the departure to college, and laugh.

Life is so funny.

This is strikingly different from what it used to be. When life was serious, irritating, gloomy and pointless.

Thank you, self-inquiry.

Thank you, “is it true?” question.

Thank you, imagination.

Keep going. Don’t stop doing The Work. This is definitely different, like a very, very, very slow dawning of the light. This is what being undisturbed is, on the inside. It’s OK if it leaves again (probably will) but oh what joy to get a taste of not objecting to what is.

Ha ha!

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious, and exactly what she needs. She sees that it’s a gift she has done nothing to deserve. She marvels at the way of it. She doesn’t make a distinction between sound and no sound, speaking of it or living it, seeing it or being it, touching it or feeling it touch her. She experiences it as constant lovemaking. Life is her own love story.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy 55

If you feel like practicing for four whole days next month, Thursday through Sunday October 13-16, then join the small group (maximum 14) Fall Retreat. We’re half way full. Seattle. Non-residential. Awesome. Come on over to my house. It will be good. Sign up here.

Much love,

Grace

August 25, 2016

The universe has got this

One of my best friends, several years ago, left me a voicemail.

She was in a waiting room before going to the chiropractor, looking at a magazine.

She opened it to an article that read “the three sexiest words a man can ever say to a woman….”

I waited with baited breath.

What are the words?

Tell me!

“I Got This.”

I took this in.

Almost immediately, within less than two seconds, I had a picture in my mind of someone like James Bond, or Jason Bourne, or Dwayne Johnson standing next to me and saying it.

“Dang….that’s true,” I thought, seeing the image.

And guess where some voice in my mind went next?

“I’ve never heard this before! I’m missing out! I need to hear this!”

My husband isn’t superman, my previous boyfriends weren’t wealthy movie stars….where is the I-Got-This sexy man?!?!

Instant imagination coming to life, noticing what’s missing.

Isn’t this funny?

And sometimes, not so funny when you feel really sure you’re missing out in a relationship.

I work with people all the time on this kind of belief when it comes to partnership, romance, love, attraction.

They’re missing something. There’s a greener pasture somewhere else (where a man is saying the sexiest three words, for example). Their true mate isn’t here. They’re lonely.

Oh, and on top of this, they should love being by themselves, rather than wanting a partner.

You can’t win!

But let’s look, with inquiry.

There’s an amazing 3-word-speaking perfect partner out there, and I need him.

Is that true?

LOL. No.

But don’t find your answer too fast….really contemplate and answer the question. Take your time.

How do you react when you believe you need that imaginary partner who’s out there somewhere?

Frustrated. Comparing my current partner with the ideal version (which doesn’t exist, I notice, except in the movies or my imagination). Dreaming of what life would be like if a man said “I got this” and handled an entire stressful situation….like all the money, all the household broken items, building stuff, working on the car, making big business deals, keeping out bad guys, identifying con men, managing the territory.

I know, I know. This is a super hetero-disney version of conditioning about men.

You find your own ideal mate, though, whatever this person looks or acts like. They are brilliant, affirming, supportive, sexy, awesome. Your ideal. Over there.

Not here.

So who would you be without this story?

Who would you be without the belief you want the guy who says those three words!

Who would you be without the thought your perfect mate is not around, and you need them to be. You need to be “in” a partnership, and it’s not the one you’re in?

This does NOT mean you SHOULD stay with the partner you’re already with. It doesn’t ever mean that. It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue an interesting partner. If it’s fun, then how fabulous is that?

This work is about identifying the pieces that are stressful, the beliefs you feel enraged about, or like you’re a victim and it’s not fair and you never get the good stuff.

Who would you be without this story?

Free to come and go, choose and not choose, love and be loved, move over there, return back here, be delighted with, laugh, enjoy, play, celebrate, do things with and then without, feel thrilled with your own company.

Nothing missing.

Everything moving, unfolding, morphing, changing.

Turning the thought around….

I am NOT missing out. I am hearing, feeling, noticing “I Got This!” constantly.

It’s called the Universe/Source/Reality/Love/Life.

Reality, the universe, has got this.

Oh. Right.

People come and go, but reality ALWAYS has this. Can I see and feel the support of the entire world, without feeling like anything is missing? Without pining for what is not? Without thinking what IS here is not enough?

Wow.

Another turnaround: I’ve got this. Me. I am the great supporter and lover of myself. My own amazing super-hero partnership of this apparently individual person here in this life, now. I am connected to all that is, and a part of it, and it’s all handled.

Nothing I can do about it.

“Everything is set up here for your freedom. Everything is here to serve self-realization. When you need a partner, if you need a partner, you’ll have one. And for now, you have a partner. (Pointing to her own head). You can’t get away from this (mind). We don’t have people-partners….we have this (mind)…..

….Once we know what love is in ourselves, it’s immovable. ‘I love’. It’s yours. Who is one loving? You are. When someone says ‘i love you Katie’ I am so happy for them.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie Retreat

You are the one you’ve been waiting for, silence is the one you’ve been waiting for, life is the one you’ve been waiting for. No waiting required.

Now.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The sixth month in Year of Inquiry is about romantic love. No matter when it’s happened, no matter what you’ve experienced, anything left un-finished or un-resolved. It’s such a big topic, right? That’s why we spend a month on it. Registration closes August 31st at midnight for doing the work for an entire year with a small group. We’re finding out how the universe…..has got this.

August 23, 2016

Reading someone close your worksheet on THEM (gasp!)

honest — it may seem frightening….but telling the truth is easier. Judge Your Neighbor, write it down, ask 4 questions, turn it around.

Best. People. Ever. Signing up for Year of Inquiry.

Yesterday, I spoke with someone asking about the partnering thing I mention we do. As in….you have a choice of zero partnering,casual partnering, or immersion partnering.

And what, pray tell, is “immersion partnering”?

This is what the inquirer wanted to know.

First of all, just in case you don’t know…..”partnering” means you are paired with someone else in Year of Inquiry (by moi) and you connect with that person to trade facilitation in The Work.

Actually, you can partner in The Work with anyone, any time. I worked with one lovely woman for 2 years, weekly, both of us facilitating one another through worksheet after worksheet, discovery upon discovery. It was a brilliant sharing of our lives, honestly, together.

One person facilitates, one person does The Work, then you switch roles.

I always have people connect for partnering in my programs, because you get to know each other so very, very well that way. You learn about your own process, you find acceptance for yourself as you reveal your judgments or hear someone else’s. It’s an awesome experience.

Except.

When what you’re hearing hurts, or feels scary. Or the person starts to bug you.

A flash back.

One of my sisters has attended the School for The Work. It’s why I went a few months later, after she reported such immense learning, and came back smiling from ear to ear.

But I don’t feel so close to her, even though we are two School graduates.

We had a major upset about ten years earlier, when I went to visit her across country (to the east coast) with my newborn baby and my then-husband.

Things didn’t go so well back then for that trip. We had a fantastic greeting on day one, enjoyable day two, but then something started going awry on day three, day four. I was irritable, couldn’t sleep well with a nursing baby. My sister had plans for us and I felt like it was impossible to keep to the schedule. My husband was uncomfortable on the futon. Disappointment. Fatigue. Not talking it through. Tension.

My then-husband, me and our baby caught a plane home early.

The whole relationship felt different. What was once super close, now felt immensely distant.

We didn’t speak for a long time. I avoided it. I felt awful. I felt tense. I was sad but didn’t know how to bring up the “problem” which got older and older as time passed.

Then we both within months, as I said, attended the School for The Work.

Ring, ring, ring.

“Hello?”

“It’s your sister. I’m wondering if we can break through what’s been going on for ten years between us, and talk about it.”

Hearts beating. This is scary. Intimacy.

“Agreed”.

We made arrangements to get together in person, for four hours,(I’m pretty sure I said I thought two would be fine) and write worksheets on each other that we would read out loud, and the other one would then facilitate.

Wow.

I thought about the upcoming meeting with nervousness and hope for days before it happened. I felt excited, and terrified. And I knew it was a good thing, at the deepest level.

Before my sister came over to my house, I wrote about three worksheets, noticing my urge to edit what I put there. I wasn’t so great at the time at staying in one situation. I included moments from childhood, I skipped to the time of the terrible visit (ten years in the past now). I chose not to swear, I felt too frightened anyway. I felt a weird mixture of wanting to be completely honest, but wanting to not go overboard or freak out or be enraged. No way.

Despite the carefulness, there was truth on that worksheet. Honest pain and hurt, and saying so.

Her worksheet on me was honest, too.

To get through this wild ride of exposing our inner thoughts about the other, we copied what we had seen Byron Katie do with people when they do The Work on each other up on stage. One person reads their worksheet, looks up, says “I am ____ with YOU, because _____”. The reader gets eye contact. The listener says “thank you.”

Yep. We did that.

I said “thank you” to my younger sister who said something on her worksheet like “I’m angry with you because you got the best of everything, first. I’m angry with you for being so mean to me when I was a kid. I’m angry with you for being so immature about communicating honestly”.

I don’t remember what she said, exactly, but it stung. And it was true….that’s what I remember.

She was right.

We spent four hours facilitating each other, back and forth. It was one of the most intimate, frightening, wonderful, painful experiences I’ve ever had.

Now that’s some serious partnering.

Immersion partnering, has a few tones that are similar.

The people electing to partner with this kind of depth get to capture their judgments about the facilitation and partnering process they’ve just experienced, on paper.

This can be any petty judgments about being asked questions or the way the process unfolded, or the cadence of someone’s voice as they facilitate. These are the kinds of things we grow up being told to NEVER under ANY circumstance say out loud. The little criticisms saying “I don’t like this”.

Since the two partners are usually not family members or close friends (before Year Of Inquiry that is….after YOI they sure might be)….the concepts captured on a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet may seem much less intense than the ones I wrote about my sister, or she wrote about me.

And yet….the same concerns exist between people who don’t know each other well as for people who know and love each other very deeply.

Can I speak what’s true, and not be cut off from love? Can I be honest and safe?

I’m here to say…..yes.

In fact, speaking what’s true for you, even when you’re terrified, can bring you closer to love, and safer than you ever imagined. That’s the funny part.

It can bring you closer to yourself.

No one in Year of Inquiry has to do this immersion level partnering, and anyone can opt-out any time, for periods when they’re away, or need a break, or have lots happening in their lives.

People are free to opt for Zero Partnering. This works, too. You simply want to be facilitated, and find your own answers, and pairing up with others is a bit much for now–you have some deep work to do.

Casual level partnering is the kind I did over two years with the amazing woman I connected with weekly. You bring your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to the session, you choose how long you’re meeting, and you each get a turn facilitating and being facilitated on a difficult situation in your life. You can do this once a month, or four times a month, it doesn’t matter.

What I like about the people in Year of Inquiry is they test out the waters and try on what’s right for themselves, and they are in all walks of life and all places of experience with The Work.

We’re supporting and moving in this journey together, questioning the stressed out mind and the perspective that sees the water glass as half empty, rather than half full.

No “right” or “wrong” with how we’re doing it. Ever.

And you know what?

I am sooooo very close to that same sister I did The Work with. It’s absolutely awesome. I can trust her to be honest. There’s no wondering what she’s thinking. She shows up. I admire her so much. I feel happy in her presence.

There are still 8 days until Orientation for Year of Inquiry on September 1st. Three more spots make the ideal full YOI. Is one of them yours?

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned, nursery-school thoughts. ‘He doesn’t like me.’ ‘He’s a bad person.’ ‘It’s not fair.’ ‘I need to be punished.’ ‘ I’ll cry to get what I want.’ ‘I’m a victim.’ ‘You are my problem.’….Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Year of Inquiry: a profound commitment

“Doing YOI, I have found it much easier to do the work with other people. I’ve done it enough that it is just in me so I think about it a lot throughout my day. However, that is vastly different than consciously setting a time to do the work. I found this to be more solidifying of the work within me than I realized it would be. It was as though I was out of practice and this got me back into it in a big way. Perhaps something like an athlete that has been out of practice for a while then gets back into it. The strongest part was the action of me making a commitment to do this for an entire year. There was something very profound in that. Having the fellowship of everybody else was very strong for me as well….Much love to you.” (YOI participant 2014)

Much love, Grace

August 14, 2016

The one thought that leads to all suffering

Yesterday was a glorious summer afternoon in Seattle. The rare days of deep blue sky, bright sun, a light breeze singing in the wind chimes, and the most perfect temperature imaginable.

It may have possibly been the first Sunday like it all summer, here in the Pacific Northwest, where mild temperatures and overcast skies are much more the norm.

Of course, as I gathered my clipboards, set out the cup of pens, moved the chairs into place in a circle, put all the dishes in the dishwasher in the kitchen, and cleaned the bathroom….

….part of me thought, “I wonder if anyone would show up today at the meetup to do The Work?”

cellphoneanger — Oh no! I’m believing my thoughts as I read this text!

Only three people came.

But oh what fun, looking into the mind, our stressful thoughts, and taking them through the four questions.

It didn’t matter if there had been only one person showing up.

Something is precious about companions traveling along with us.

Not just precious….but practically, for me, for years….

a requirement.

Without other people, I would not sit and do The Work for two hours like we did yesterday.

Left on my own, it is just as possible yesterday that I might have gone bicycling, done laundry, gone online to look at more venues for upcoming retreat options, made airline reservations necessary for September, gone grocery shopping, read while lounging on the front porch, or put clean clothes away.

Instead, I got to sit thoughtfully, quietly, and consider a painful situation….

….when I believed someone I cared about didn’t appreciate me.

I love this simple question to enter The Work and the discovery of a situation you might have found disturbing: “When in your life has someone NOT appreciated you?”

Byron Katie has a wonderful invitation for us all, which is to watch what happens we perceive we’re not loved, approved of, or appreciated in a situation.

She calls it LAA (Love, Approval, Appreciation).

Now….here’s the funny thing about this simple awareness of not being appreciated (or loved, or approved of, or acknowledged, or accepted—you get the idea, use whatever word makes the most sense for you)….

….I notice any time I’ve ever, ever been upset about anything, it’s because of the perceived absence of LAA.

Yeah, seriously.

And yeah, that simple.

My friend ditched me because of something I didn’t even do, or say? She didn’t really love me. My sister never answered my texts? She doesn’t really appreciate me. My grandpa was too bossy, controlling, and acted like a dictator? He didn’t approve of me. My partner left me? He didn’t really love me. My friend demanded too much time and attention from me and didn’t take no for an answer? He didn’t appreciate me and my life circumstances. I lost all my money? God doesn’t appreciate me, my ancestors didn’t appreciate me (no inheritance), my partner didn’t appreciate me. I lost my job? My boss didn’t approve of me.

Every time. Every stressful experience, someone (including God/Source/Universe/Reality) doesn’t appreciate, love or approve of ME.

Kind of funny, right?

What this ends up meaning about The Work is that as I identify situations that disturb me, or create anxiety, fear, anger, irritation….

….I am questioning the belief, in these situations, that I am not truly loved (or the other words that can be substituted for love in all the variations we describe it).

So right now, think of someone who you think isn’t really loving you, or approving of you, or appreciating you.

See them in your mind doing that thing they did, or saying those words to you, or ignoring you, and it feels painful.

They don’t appreciate who you really are. They don’t appreciate the real you. They don’t love you. They don’t care about you. They don’t approve.

Is it true?

In my mind, I’m reading a text, and it says “I am done”. This refers to the relationship I have with someone. It stabs me in the gut. I feel sad, then angry, all in the flash of one second.

It’s true!

She doesn’t appreciate me at all!

What a *$%&@$*!

(See how fast that happens? It’s called not actually answering the question, which isn’t then doing The Work).

Back to the question. Right.

Can I absolutely know it’s true she doesn’t appreciate me?

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ASKING ME THIS QUESTION—DID YOU READ THE TEXT I RECEIVED FROM HER? Here….let me read it to you….you’ll be on my side then….you’ll see what I have to deal with.

Oh. Wait.

That would be going into justification, explaining, telling a nice big fat juicy story that proves I’m right about this, and she really, really doesn’t appreciate me.

Rats.

Just answer the question.

Deep breath.

Can I absolutely know this text means she doesn’t love me?

No.

I really can’t know it’s absolutely true. In fact, I know she does.

How do I react when I believe she doesn’t appreciate me, and I’m reading the words “I am done” and it feels like I’m getting cut off and slammed and dismissed and other words in the text seem to globally say the entire relationship is screwed and always has been?

Yikes.

Rage.

I want to be sarcastic back in a reply text. I feel very, very hurt underneath the anger. I’m taking it so personally. I feel constricted and contracted around those words I’m reading. In my mind I treat her like she’s wrong, and I’m right.

So who would I be without this belief she doesn’t appreciate me?

Wow.

I’d be reading the words of a very hurt person, who doesn’t know what else to do or say, who feels…..unappreciated. Someone who’s tired and angry.

I’d read the actual words which say not “I am done” with this whole entire relationship for the rest of life as we know it….but “I am done” with this particular format and way of relating. She’s simply saying “no” to what’s been proposed.

Without the belief “she doesn’t appreciate me” I also notice this is not all about me (haha). I’m simply looking. I’m observing someone really, really, really upset.

I have a lot of compassion for upset.

(And to be entirely honest….I’m not actually observing anyone in reality. I see a text, with words, on my phone, and I am IMAGINING her yelling at me and fuming in anger and wanting to hurt me….I don’t see anyone in the room with me. I am reading a text, for God sakes. That’s it.)

Without the belief she doesn’t appreciate me….I look around the beautiful room I sit in, with my phone and this text on it. I see white shades on a big pretty window with sparkles of sun coming through in slit shapes, I hear voices of people walking by, I feel the chair supporting this body, and see red toe nails in black flip flops.

Turning the belief around: I don’t appreciate her, she DOES appreciate me, I don’t appreciate myself.

In this exact moment, reading the text with her words “I am done”how could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

I don’t appreciate her: Yes, I’m immediately judging her as immature, bratty, closed and so mean. I rip her to shreds in my head and see images of her making mistakes, or lying. I don’t see the wisdom in maybe taking a break and a sabbatical for awhile. Sabbaticals can be really good. They were invented for a reason.

She does appreciate me: She’s communicating with me in this very text, she’s saying “no” and telling the honest truth for herself, she’s not coming over and yelling at me, she’s leaving me alone–pretty low key really. No sound was uttered, only words sent electronically. I do find it gentle, now that I think about it. She didn’t ever say she was done for all time and hated me, or actually anything about me not being worthy of her appreciation. She only said she didn’t like the way things played out and she didn’t feel any hope for it unfolding in a new way. She could be right.

I don’t appreciate myself: I’m thinking if it doesn’t go the way I want, I’m doomed or I have no family and no love at all. I’m not aware of my own resilience, inner silence, joy and capacity to care for me. I’m not aware of my freedom in the moment, even if someone says “I’m done” to discover happiness. I’m seeing myself as quite small, and dependent on getting “nice” texts not ones that look like this.

Holy Moly.

I can’t believe how much I wasn’t appreciating myself by all I assumed so quickly in less than 30 seconds, when reading a text. My whole day changed by a few sentences in writing.

And this realization could happen because people came over to do The Work with me.

Once again, there is nothing like community and connection to allow The Work to sink in like a collective prayer, a group intention, an expression of desire to share, join, receive.

Thank you to everyone who has ever shown up to share in this incredible adventure with me. I could never do it without you. And that includes the text-er, the one who supposedly didn’t appreciate me.

“You can see that when you believe the thought, there is an uneasy feeling, a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to fear or panic. Since you may have realized from Question 1 that the thought isn’t even true for you, you’re looking at the power of a lie. Your nature is truth, and when you oppose it, you don’t feel like yourself. Stress never feels as natural as peace does…..

….You can’t push yourself away from God; that’s not a possibility. You can only push yourself away from the awareness of God within you, for a while.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The best way in the world to devote time to do The Work in your life is by joining community and making time to practice it. One of the best ways I know to do this is in Year of Inquiry. Sign up now during early bird registration through August 19th, five more days, and save a huge $500. Group therapy, guided facilitation sessions, support groups in specific modalities, training programs….all range from $400 per month, to $15,000 per year. Nothing is as inexpensive as this Year of Inquiry for how much time we share in self-realization and personal development.

August 12, 2016

Can there be too much sharing? (Masterclass Encore August 17th)

Wow, thank you to so many people who have written to ask for the link to the MasterClass Replays on ten barriers that derail, confuse, or make doing The Work meh instead of exciting….and how to dissolve them and go deeper.

It’s a full two-plus hours, which is not for everyone….but if you decided you’d like to listen in, even if you didn’t register to participate….I’m including the replay link at the end of this Grace Note.

Mostly because I can’t keep straight anymore who wanted the replay. I love you asked, so here it is. No opt-in necessary.

And because I seriously got so many requests, via facebook, email, and even two texts, I’m planning an encore. Yes, I’ll offer it one more time!

Wednesday, August 17th this very next week, at 2 pm Pacific.

To attend live, I will have you register, so those of you who really don’t want to hear about this masterclass again, won’t. If you want to sign up and join me, head over here. The advantage of being there live is I’ll read and answer all your questions out loud from the Q & A page, you’ll get to comment, share, and participate.

Which brings me to an interesting stressful thought around sharing, doing, creating, announcing, offering, promoting, and connecting to others in this world.

I need to NOT share too much.

talkstoomuch — Is it them, or you, who is sharing too much? Even if it’s not Out Loud, you might be yakking away with your judgments, instead of sharing the truth

Have you ever had this thought?

I’m not talking about the obvious arena for this stressful belief: running a small business, offering a service, needing to spread the word out in the community, also known as marketing.

I’ve had this thought when it comes to participating in a group discussion or conversation, at parties, in family gatherings!

I’ve had this belief about other people too….they’re sharing too much, they’re blabbing on and on, they take over the floor too often, they should put a lid on it!

Well….the way we can get the most juicy, deep clarity from this stressful observation that it’s possible to share too much, is to find a situation when someone did.

Do you know someone who shares, talks, speaks, tells too much?

I instantly had someone come to mind.

Man, what a motor mouth.

I picture myself sitting with him at a coffee house. He’s smiling and talking and keeps on saying “you know?” with his thick New York accent and keeps on going.

I can’t get a word in edgewise.

Does he even care about one single thing I might share or think?

Does he notice how he’s dominating the entire two hours we’ve had together? Jeezus, take a breath!

(Gosh. I also have two other people, entirely different people, who I also had the very exact same thoughts about. Hmmm. What’s the common denominator. Oh. That would be me. Um….Let’s keep going.)

He’s sharing too much.

Is it true?

Yes, oh lordy, yes. Why didn’t I say I had an appointment right after? I need to get outta here!

But can I absolutely know it’s true he’s sharing too much? Can I know it’s HIM who is the culprit? Can I know it’s too much, for me? For this moment? For him?

No.

I see I’m not saying anything. I’m not speaking up. He thinks I’m happy with the speed and quantity of this sharing. How would he know otherwise? I’m even smiling. I look engaged.

How do I react when I think he’s sharing too much?

I think about escaping, and doing it “politely” is the only alternative. All the blame is over there, on him. I miss the awareness that I am saying nothing, so there’s a vacuum. I miss my own fear of speaking up, of telling the truth, of participating fully and connecting with this friend genuinely.

I create a wall of separation.

I keep friends who don’t over-share, and I ditch the ones who do.

Oh dear. Embarrassing.

So who would I be without the belief he’s sharing too much, or that it’s even possible to over-share?

I push the “pause” button on this scene and hold still, without hearing the sound, without feeling the escape-urges.

Without the belief he’s over-sharing, I see someone eager and happy. I see joy and excitement. I feel the trust he has in me as a listener. I feel open, relaxed.

I also notice I can speak, myself. I can say “hold on there brother, you’re moving awfully fast, and I’d love to make a comment” if I actually want to.

I can even ask if he’s nervous.

Without the belief that it’s possible to share too much, or make a mistake around sharing, talking, announcing….

….then I notice I’m a fantastic listener. I’m hearing sound, words, expression all coming into my space and I’m delighted. I can also call it quits any time, without stress.

I turn the thought around:

He’s sharing just right, not too much. I’m sharing too much with all my inner commentary about sharing, and wanting to escape.

Can I find an example of how him sharing is lovely, a service, or easy (instead of intolerable or annoying or too much)?

Yes. He’s telling me about his life, his ideas, his inner world, his heart. He’s connecting with me. We’re joining through communication. How about I actually participate, and speak what’s true for me? What if I bring what’s true for me to this table, instead of hiding and believing I can’t?

What if every motor mouth I ever met is someone reaching out to connect, and I can reach back, with love? I might even make a suggestion we sit with each other in silence, if it feels right.

How could it be wonderful, that they share as they’re inspired? I notice it doesn’t harm anyone, and certainly doesn’t harm me.

I see the turnaround to myself, taking this friend and any talkative, sharing person out of it, is I share too much with ME. I’m constantly talking on the inside of my head about needing escape. I’ve been very noisy with myself on what I’m doing wrong, how I need to fix myself, and the need for improvement and change, or how I can’t sit still and listen to another human speak.

Maybe these people are matching the motor-mind I’ve had on the inside.

Drop the “maybe”.

Get the replay link for the recorded masterclass from August 9th here.

“My friends are always right. And I get to realize it or suffer….Until you love them unconditionally, your work’s not done.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace