Relationships – Page 12 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

August 11, 2016

The greatest gift: a way to see beyond illusion (join Year of Inquiry)

Barrier #1 in the recent masterclass presentation I gave, on where we get snagged when doing The Work of Byron Katie, is maybe the biggest, most widespread, most fog-inducing, discouraging barrier of them all.

The short version is, it’s the I-Hate-Myself barrier.

When you feel at war with reality, but mostly, with the reality of YOU.

Here’s a Peace Talk about it I made for you.

In the end, all roads through The Work lead back to this “self” we’re imagining ourselves to be in the presence of others, in the presence of God/Reality/Source/Life….

….and finding we are not who we thought. peacetalkcover

Who are you, without your thoughts about you?

(Can you hear the silence and not-knowing-how-to-answer this question?)

Now, here’s the strange thing about this very deep and cosmic question:

I would have never come to wondering who I was without thoughts about even myself, were it not for doing The Work on many other things and people and circumstances and situations besides myself.

Doing The Work on others was the key.

As I’ve been kind of repeating lately, excited about what Byron Katie invites us to….do The Work on Mother, Father, Sister, Brother!

Doing The Work on everything else under the sun, and going way back-back-back….

….is the way forward.

In the upcoming Year of Inquiry (some incredible people are signing up OMG I’m so excited) we have a topic every single month, for ten months….

….with a free-for-all Summer Camp session in the summer of daily inquiry on anything, for everyone.

I mention this because people have been asking me how I came up with topics for Year of Inquiry, and why do we do The Work on others anyway?

So many people hear about The Work and get this sense of freedom, and immediately think “I’ll apply it to ME, I’ll finally change, I’ll improve myself and stop being so full of complaints.”

But it doesn’t work so well, oddly enough, to do The Work on yourself.

It’s so much easier and more profound, and so much more clearly and paradoxically ON YOURSELF when you do The Work on other people, places, topics and things. You can see these other things easily, with lazer sharp clarity and precision.

So in Year of Inquiry, we start with what annoys you in any way whatsoever. Anything. You name it. You call it.

The first month, we start with what you notice is disturbing, and it doesn’t even matter what it is.

After kicking it off with just where we are, we move into FOO.

Family of Origin.

And from there, many other common topics all of which create fear, worry, irritation, and sadness.

We look at our Complaints, Hurt-Anger-Fear, Money, Body, Love, Goals & Desires, The Worst That Could Happen, and Loss.

How did I come up with these topics?

I listened to all the clients, groups and retreats (and my own worksheets) filled with people who have come to inquire over the years. The same themes come up over and over.

So we start at the very beginning (I always hear Maria in the Sound of Music singing when I say this) followed by looking at FOO, as I already mentioned….and then we continue by noticing what we complain about, daily, weekly, yearly, or every time we run into that person? What’s going on when we complain?

As we move through complaints, we become more comfortable with feeling our stress, and seeing the feelings as useful pointers to our thinking. What happens when we feel hurt, angry, or afraid? What brings these emotions out in our lives?

What about money? What’s enough? Who has it, and why, or why not? What makes it so scary, or disappointing? Where did I get the money I use–is it OK with me? Do I like to receive? Do I like to work? What is money, to me?

And of course, the body is an area filled with stressful concern. We look at the Body in our sixth month. What do I dislike about this body I seem to live in? Whose body is it? What happens when it gets injured, or feels pain? What about other peoples’ bodies?

Then there’s love….oh my…love. (Huge topic of stressful thinking). Who have I loved, been attracted to, bonded with, slept with, broken up with?

In the seventh month in Year of Inquiry, we explore Goals and Desires, because these are so expected, wanted, planned for so many of us. How can we have a goal, and love what is, at the same time? We get to take a look at what we’re thinking and believing that’s painful when it comes to having dreams for the future, and working towards something.

Finally, we spend basically the last two months before Summer Camp diving deeply into a powerful and troubling topic: The Worst That Could Happen. We’re basically looking at our terrible fears. We’re asking, when it comes to any situation we encounter that feels uncomfortable, no matter how “light”….what we’re most afraid of, in our situation?

All of these are huge, wide-open areas of human suffering, and as a human (for those of you who are humans reading this) then you’ve probably experienced concern in any of these common areas of discord, worry or fear.

Something’s going wrong.

I shouldn’t have to experience this.

Strangely….only by combing through what appears as a concern outside of me, in all these areas, have I ever been able to actually stop all those self-critical nasty thoughts about myself, and let go of agonizing about what is.

Practicing The Work unravels stressful thinking. It unravels suffering.

Who would we be without our stories? About others, and most importantly about ourselves?

What I have found, is we would be pure love, and peace, and freedom.

If you want to do The Work in a dedicated, committed group of inquirers for an entire year, then join me in this gift of inquiry.

Early Bird sign up lasts until August 19th, so you’ve got time to think about it (there is no urgency and no emergency) and after that it’s still a very inexpensive way to get and stay connected to dedicated time for self-inquiry through every season of an entire year.

Everyone in Year of Inquiry has sixty days to fully participate in the experience before making a final decision—there’s only a fee of $100 for the first month, or another $100 for the second month of the program, if you choose to withdraw….even if you didn’t decide to withdraw until Halloween you’d only pay $200.

I do this on purpose because I want only people to continue through the year who deeply know they like the process of inquiry, not just the idea of inquiry.

Everyone gets two whole months to sample and sink into the experience of this meditative work by participating in all the telesessions, our first two monthly webinars (September and October), and partnering if they choose with other members of YOI.

After two months of seeing what it’s like, most people get the sense of what doing The Work regularly, every week, may do for their inner world and their lives. If it’s not for them now, it’s OK.

What I know is….when I came into The Work all I wanted to do was question thoughts about myself and what I had done wrong (I’ll tell you more about my first true inquiry session in the next Grace Note).

Then I followed the simple invitation from Byron Katie and the steps of The Work to identify judgments I had about other people, the world, money, bodies, being alive, love, and what I thought of as reality.

Looking at all of these, I truly did The Work on myself.

Freedom didn’t happen in an instant. It unfolds daily, with every time I ask “is it true?”

This Work gives the mind something it loves to do: rest.

To not rely so heavily on “figuring” everything out. But instead, to wonder what it’s like without thinking.

How fun is that?

“To have a way to see beyond illusion is the greatest gift.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

To read about Year of Inquiry, which begins in September, head over to here.

Much love,

Grace

July 27, 2016

She should communicate with me!

Have you ever been ghosted?

Oh man. The open imagination when someone is giving you the silent “treatment” is strange and difficult, if you don’t have inquiry to question your thoughts.

Your mind races in so many tangents. You wonder if that person who isn’t responding to you, or who is not making eye contact, or who isn’t saying anything….

….is scheming against you, or angry with you, or hating you, or thinking you’re unworthy and stupid and too boring or undeserving to care about.

I mean, wow.

I’ve had two people “ghost” me in my life. Talk about going off on a tangent! Even though I already KNEW I didn’t KNOW what it fully meant.

How could I?

The response I was getting was…..silence.

In childhood psychological development studies, researchers have observed sometimes children prefer negative, violent or critical communication over NO communication.

“Give me something….anything. What’s wrong? What’d I do?”

Let’s take a look today at this very painful belief when it runs in the mind: that person should communicate with me.

A memory.

I have an amazing friend who I’ve known only for about two years. We’ve had long conversations about human psychology and development. We share graduate studies in human behavior.

Our connection builds over time, with walks and dinners and attending a fabulous women’s retreat together (which is where we met). We talk into the night.

She comes to my wedding, but I don’t see her much. I notice her absence, but the days of the wedding festivities are so full and so fabulous, I hardly pay attention.

It never crossed my mind something was wrong.

She said she didn’t feel well, and she didn’t attend the rehearsal dinner. I assumed she was taking care of herself.

A week after the wedding, once I was settled back at home with my husband (we were postponing our honeymoon adventure for the following summer) I called her.

I left a message, bubbling with enthusiasm and questions “Did you get to talk with my cousin? Did you meet my aunt and uncle? How are you feeling? So sorry you were sick during all the celebrations. Call me ASAP!”

No call.

I email.

I receive an email back “I’m sooooo busy. Sorry! Didn’t want to bother YOU after your wedding. Off to another wedding, will make contact in a few weeks once my schedule relaxes.”

A month goes by.

I email again.

“Is everything OK?”

I didn’t ask “Are you upset with me?” because I genuinely didn’t have the slightest thought she could be.

So funny, when I know now what she was upset about. She was disturbed by something that never happened, but I can see completely how she was mistaken because of my dry sense of humor when writing.

Or who knows. She saw me through her glasses, and it was someone dangerous. Someone doing something wrong. Someone to be critical of.

I didn’t know it yet, though.

I just felt uneasy.

She should communicate with me.

Is it true?

Yes. This is weird. I love her. We are super close. She’s like a sister to me.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, she should communicate?

No. I really can’t know this. And I am very happy, without the communication. My life was especially fun and sweet at that moment, post wedding.

How did I react when believing she should communicate?

I begin to review my behavior, or try to guess what’s going on, and I cannot find anything, so I let it go…..over and over again. I compulsively think I must have missed something. I begin to think she just didn’t like something about the wedding? She was uncomfortable with the non-traditional character of it? She didn’t like the people. Something?

I even think “Fine. Be that way” and find benefits for not being her friend. I call her names in my head. I create a list of faults. I’m better off without her.

But it bothers me, like a splinter that won’t come out.

I talk with other friends about it.

I realize I haven’t been fully, completely honest. If I really opened up my heart and spoke freely, I’d call her again and ask her some questions and tell her how I feel.

First, I do The Work. I feel clear.

My living turnaround is “I should communicate with her”.

I call her.

Voice Mail.

I say “I really love and miss you. I’m wondering if something happened. Did I do something to trouble you? You mean so much to me. I just really wanted you to know, I love you.”

I say this with a lot of words, I share some events, I’m trying to stay casual and not make a big dramatic thing out of it. The voice mail even cuts me off and I go ahead and call back and finish my message and say “Goodbye! I hope we get the chance to talk, if you’re able!”

She emails back thanking me for the sweet phone messages and apologizing for all the time gone by and she’s incredibly busy and just can’t talk right now.

I listen a think “huh.”

Maybe the intimate connection was not as I thought.

Who would I be without the belief “she should communicate with me”?

I’d notice she DID communicate with me.

Maybe this is a friendly universe, telling me who not to talk with.

I am indeed an extremely introverted person who adores spending time alone.

I turn the thought around every way possible:

She should not communicate with me. I should communicate with her. I should communicate with myself.

One at a time, I look at these turned around statements.

Given what I learned several months later, I realize she definitely couldn’t communicate with me. Not given what she mistakenly thought I did. But without knowing this yet, in that moment, the way it was good for me that she shouldn’t communicate was where I found my examples: I didn’t have to plan long drives to meet her at an expensive restaurant somewhere, spend a lot of money, feel sleepy the following morning after our binge-conversations. I didn’t have to say “no” to too-frequent invites to get together.

I should communicate with her. Yes, it was so powerful to feel the vulnerability of calling and leaving two messages in a row and saying I loved her. It felt like I exposed the full truth, no matter what she thought of me or what was going on. In the end, there was love.

I should communicate with myself in this situation. Yes, I should enjoy my own thoughts, my own mind trying to sort things out. I should notice what an interesting person I find myself to be, and how much I love, and how good it feels to be a lover of what is.

How could it be good news that person doesn’t communicate with you as you like? What if their communication level is just perfect, not too little, not too much?

“And it appears that I always have a preference for the thing happening now. I prefer the sun in the morning, and I prefer the moon at night. And I prefer to be with the person in front of me now.” ~ Byron Katie

If YOU are the one in front of you now….oh boy. What a treat, what a treat.

Thank you to everyone who gave me the incredible gift of silence, thank you. It’s not always easy.

Or maybe….I could question that.

Much love, Grace

P.S. I’m offering a masterclass webinar next week (you can choose August 4th or August 9th) addressing places we get stuck in inquiry. This concept that someone should communicate differently, or at all, is often one of those sticky, painful concepts, especially if you think badly of yourself because of the silence of someone else. Join me to learn about ways to help yourself get un-stuck with your work. We’ll have an awesome time. To reserve your seat, visit here.

July 8, 2016

Are you telling (and questioning) the same story over and over again?

I am stunned by the brilliant and thoughtful questions people are asking on Summer Camp calls (we have Q & A time at the beginning, before we do The Work).

Yesterday someone asked a question I’ve heard many times.

I’ve asked it myself, directly to Katie.

What do I do if I’m doing The Work on the very same thing over and over again? What if the same thing comes up, just when I think it’s settled, or resolved?

Partner. Money. Kid. Mother. Boss.

There they go again, driving me NUTS!

I do The Work and feel lighter, more at ease with this person or thing….

….and BAM….

….the next time I’m with this person, or the next time it happens again, I’m right back where I was before. Seething, anxious, upset, worried, sad.

First, I like to say as an answer to this question….to remember, this is a process. Sometimes we learn in tiny increments. Sometimes we’re revisiting, or returning to a habitual way of thinking we’ve gone into for years—like walking the same rutted pathway again.

You should have another viewpoint of this person by now, or this entity (like money) or this activity, or place! You shouldn’t have to do The Work again on this. You should be over it.

Is that actually true? What’s going on here, anyway, that might be making the process tricky?

Later after our Summer Camp call, someone emailed me a great little synopsis of words taken right out of Byron Katie’s wonderful book Loving What Is.

This is really the manual for The Work. The How-To.

In Loving What Is, at the very back of the book, there’s a section called Q & A. Katie offers some thoughts to these exact same questions.

What does it mean if I keep needing to do The Work on the same thing over and over? I’ve done The Work many times on the same judgment, and I don’t think it’s working.

Here are Katie’s replies, summarized:

It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it…The issue may come back a dozen times, a hundred times. It’s always a wonderful opportunity to see what attachments are left and how much deeper you can go.

You’ve done The Work many times—is that true? Could it be that if the answer you think you’re looking for doesn’t appear, you simply block anything else? Are you frightened of the answer that might be underneath what you think you know? Is it possible that there’s another answer within you that could be as true or truer?

Do you really want to know? It could be that you’d rather stay with your statement than dive into the unknown. Blocking means rushing the process and answering with your conscious mind before the gentler polarity of min (I call it “the heart”) can answer. If you prefer to stay with what you think you know, the question is blocked and can’t have its life inside you.

Do you move into a story too quickly? Notice if you move into a story before letting yourself fully experience the answer and the feelings that come with it. If your answers begin with “Well, yes, but….” you’re shifting away from inquiry. Do you really want to know the truth?

Are you inquiring with a motive? Are you asking the questions to prove that the answer you already have is valid, even though it’s painful? Do you want to be right more than you want to know the truth? It’s the truth that set me free. Acceptance, peace, and less attachment to a world of suffering are all effects of doing The Work. They’re not goals. Do The Work for the love of freedom, for the love of truth. If you’re inquiring with other motives, such as healing the body or solving a problem, your answer may be arising from old motives that never worked for you, and you’ll miss the wonder and grace of inquiry.

Are you doing the turnarounds too quickly? If you really want to know the truth, wait for the new answers to surface. Give yourself enough time to let the turnarounds find you. If you choose, make a written list of all the ways that the turnaround applies to you. The turnaround is the re-entry into life, as the truth points you to who you are without your story. It’s all done for you.

Are you letting the realizations you experience through inquiry life in you? Live the turnarounds, report your part to others so that you can hear it again, and make amends, for the sake of your own freedom. This will certainly speed up the process and bring freedom into your life, now.

Finally, can you really know that inquiry is not working?When the thing you were afraid of happens and you notice that there is little or no stress or fear–that’s when you know it’s working.

I once asked, “Katie….what should I do? I’ve done so many worksheets on this one guy I’ve been dating. I seem to remain angry, though. Anger, over and over again.”

Katie replied to me: “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? YOU ARE!”

Oh.

Doh!

(See “are you inquiring with a motive” bullet point above).

I was thinking that if I was angry, I needed to fix that, by hook or by crook. There must be something wrong with me.

With Katie’s words, I felt the relief of permission, acceptance, awareness of this feeling called “angry” instead of having an inner plan or drive to Get Un-Angry as soon as humanly possible.

And low and behold, what I noticed later on that day, after my exchange with Katie….

….I felt like laughing at the absurdity of the way that particular relationship danced.

And it was over.

Ever since, anger has been “allowed” to visit, to come in an give me it’s amazing passionate message. With zero expectations or demands that it leave.

Strange, I don’t experience it so much anymore these days.

Much love,

Grace

July 7, 2016

Do I have to keep trying to like someone or something….I don’t?

powerful — Feeling love for that person doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them, or like them, or say “yes” to them, or invite them to dinner. Love is an internal experience.

Something came up in Summer Camp just yesterday.

One of my most favorite discoveries within about The Work.

It’s this: The Work is not a passive experience. It’s not a way to try to force yourself to feel peace, or love, when you don’t.

In other words, doing The Work doesn’t mean you lie down on the floor, figuratively or in real life, and go mute or say nothing or hide your feelings or become despondent in the presence of people, places, incidents or things you find uncomfortable.

Doing The Work doesn’t mean….

…”it’s fine. I don’t care what happens. I am completely at peace all the time 24/7. That’s enlightenment, right?”

This is what people object to when they do The Work on very stressful beliefs and turn it around without close reflection and attention.

For example.

Original belief or thought passes through your mind, whenever you think of this person: he abused me.

You turn it around, flipping it to the opposite in two shakes of a lamb’s tail: “he did NOT abuse me” AND “I abused him” AND “I abused myself”.

YEAH, that’s right. I’m the loser culprit who can’t calm down and *think* without violence. I attracted it to me. I brought it on.

It must be me.

YEAH, I’m wrong. I’ve been mistaken. He did NOT abuse me.

It must be me.

YEAH, I’m wrong again. I abused him. My brain is full of voodoo lazer-sharp thoughts aimed in his direction. I wasn’t kind, or loving, or gentle enough from the start. I thought he could be something other than what he could be. I had too high expectations.

It must be me.

HONNNNNKKKKKK!!!!! Did you hear the loud bear-scaring emergency alert horn?

The Work is not about swinging the pendulum to the opposite side of your reactions, and finding fault with yourself, or feeling despair.

You were probably doing that already. Fault with them, fault with you. Trying to find blame.

The Work, I find, is much deeper than this.

But let’s start at the very beginning.

You have a thought someone is “x” and it feels stressful (abusive, obsessive, demanding, mean, dismissive, cruel).

You’re afraid, when you think of this person. Something inside feels threatened.

(I notice I do not feel overwhelming stress, or stress that fills my view, if I do not personally feel threatened, even in very difficult situations involving anger, grief, sadness or violence. Just saying.)

The very first question in The Work is “is your thought true?”

You get to answer the question for yourself. No one else answers it.

There is no “supposed to” about the answer being “no”. You are not better off or more spiritual if you answer “yes” or if you answer “no”.

I once read Byron Katie commenting about this question “is it true”?

She said nothing is true and everything is true.

Because so much appears untrue, once we stop for 5 seconds and think about it, people sometimes begin to lump together this awareness of truth the answer into ALL ANSWERS for ALL TIME.

“Everything is not true! I know nothing is true!”

Well. Let’s say you don’t. LOL.

I like leaving that answer open, for myself, so I can look gently and see what’s really accurate for me in any situation, at any time, during my lifetime.

I wouldn’t want to bypass or abort the process of inquiring with this amazing mind. I want to actually sit with what I notice my inner answer is, for me.

So is your thought true? (Like from my example “he abused me”).

Maybe your answer is “YES”.

Maybe it’s just not efficient communication when you’re with that person, or you always feel weird and scared, and you get confused, and they seem confused, and no one is really happy when you’re in each other’s presence.

What an excellent person to do The Work on, since they’re bringing you an objection with reality. And you don’t have to be in their presence to do it.

I once had someone come to me to do The Work.

He had seven (yes, seven) second-opinions of his mental health diagnosis of bi-polar and manic-depression. (A little manic with the second opinions).

Back then, I tried just a little too long. I wanted to “help”.

If I was completely honest instead of trying to rescue and make it look perfect and right on the outside (in my opinion) then I would have referred him to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It had been recommended he take anti-anxiety meds. He was refusing. I was not the expert who knew how to handle it. He couldn’t really follow along with The Work. He even said The Work made him more anxious.

It was simply true, at that time, that he needed some kind of other help that wasn’t mine.

Because that’s what happened, no matter what I was thinking or doing.

“You’re supposed to feel peaceful all the time, in every situation, with every person.”

Is it true?

No!

Some places, people and situations might give you the creeps! Or not be your job!

If someone said “here’s an airplane, time to get in the pilot’s seat and fly!” I’d look at them like they were a little off, because I have no idea how to fly an airplane.

It would not be true that I need to get in the pilot’s seat and start the engine!

Doing The Work, I find, is for my own sake. It’s to come to clarity, joy, peace, acceptance, forgiveness, calm, surrender….in situations that are actually almost always OVER.

(Well….always over….drop the “almost”).

So my mind is just catching up with reality.

Reality, it turns out, has already made it clear, joyful, peaceful, accepting, forgiving, calm, surrendered and silent.

Am I able to notice this, and go in that direction?

That direction may mean packing your bags, and leaving a house where you notice fights break out and you get physically hurt over and over again. That direction may mean saying “no, I won’t get together with you” with someone who is very insistent, and appears panicked. That direction may look like breaking up with a partner, or getting together with one. It may look like quitting a job.

Who would you be right now in this moment without your story of the past, noticing what you notice with your senses and your body and your mind and your heart?

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

June 20, 2016

When it comes to a mean, nasty person….are you trying too hard to be an angel?

angelcomplex — Are you trying too hard to be an Angel, so the mean person will start being nice to you? The truth may be harder to tell….. ….but actually, it makes everything easier.

The other day, someone signed up for Summer Camp and said “I can’t wait to work on how to deal with a really nasty person in my life. Every time I’m with this person, she attacks me.”

Perfect.

The festering and the disturbance is present. Maybe it’s been there for years, or maybe you notice it only in that one troubling person in your life, even if you don’t see them much.

Someone is mean, cruel, shouting, a leech, a stalker.

They show up….again. And again.

The new Summer Camper said she had a co-worker who she only saw once a month who seemed to hate her. She always tried to be kind, nice, to diffuse the intensity directed at her. Yet she felt exhausted after their meetings. And anxious, of course, before any meeting ever happened.

It’s a jolting dilemma when you feel dismissed or rejected or blatantly attacked by someone out there, and you’re surprised, sad, shocked, and wounded.

I know exactly what it’s like to feel this, and immediately act really super over-the-top nice, almost as a counter-reaction to the surprise and hurt.

But even if you have a great “spiritual” response to someone who cusses at you….and you’ve learned well to turn the other cheek….

….inside in the privacy of your own mind, you’ve already decided that person is very scary. If only they were different.

Your impulse is to change their incorrect thoughts about you in order to get to safety and have these interactions not repeat themselves.

Make them realize you’re a NICE person, not someone who deserves what they’re dishing out!

Aiy. There’s the rub, as Shakespeare would say.

If you think you need to show them how wonderful, kind, compassionate and loving you are….

….and they aren’t buying it….

….you might want to stop.

Maybe what’s being called for is something entirely different.

Maybe you’re supposed to say “no”.

Maybe the way out of this type of exchange is to look that person in the eye and say “I hear what you’re saying. Now, I need a break. Goodbye.”

If someone hits you, do you think taking the higher road is to stay with them and tell them everything will be OK and you love them anyway, and to stick around until the next blow?

This all may be TRUE (except for the sticking around to the next blow part) but the smart, wise, kind, loving thing to do FOR YOU BOTH is to exit the scene.

I used to have an Angel Complex.

Seriously….I was quiet, non-confronting, hardly said a mean thing to anyone, very polite, very respectful (in my outer actions).

The people really, really close to me knew otherwise. I would tell them about how horrible so-and-so was to me at work, or how rotten that person treated me when I was ten, and I’d list the faults of those rude people.

When someone scared me, like my boss, or teacher, or someone in authority, or a man….

….I’d withdraw as quietly and smartly as possible.

Not a bad strategy.

But then inside my head I’d be furious at someone scaring me so much, being so aggressive and rude, so demanding or critical.

The truth is, I believed this person was dangerous, even if only emotionally, and one of my primary unconscious strategies was to correct their thinking by showing them how awesome, kind and angelic I was.

Naturally they’d realize they were wrong when they saw I have a heart of gold, am generous, willing and good.

That’s what I’m calling the Angel Complex.

Who would you be without the need to soften someone’s impression of you by acting like an Angel?

What if they’re just doing what they’re doing, being themselves, and they’ve somehow bumped into you as they’re living their life….and this is the way of it? What if you don’t have to show them you’re special in any way? What if you only have to act in accordance with what is genuinely true for you?

What if your job is to stay in your own business, not even step for a second into theirs, and say or do what feels right, true, powerful, joyful, passionate, and real?

Who would you be, how would you feel, how would you act, without the need to convince anyone of anything, or correct anyone’s impression of you in any way?

Turning this very stressful strategy for dealing with difficult people around:

I do NOT need to act like an angel or get them to see me correctly. They already see me correctly. I need to see them correctly and notice they might not be acting in accordance with what’s genuinely true for them. I need to correct MY thinking, not theirs. There is no danger, especially if I move away from them, or stop having a “fight” attitude on the inside with them.

I need to not act all nicey-angel with myself, to try to prove to myself I’m good. I need to see myself as I am, fears and warts and humanness and all, and relax with it and not try to always correct it. I need to walk away from people who are triggered by me, if they’re deeply disturbed in my presence. I need to say “no” if this helps stop a violent cycle in the mind, or physically.

One of my favorite stories of learning early on was when Byron Katie said a good friend made a dinner date with her. She arrived at the restaurant. She waited. Then she ordered a meal, and ate it. An hour passed before her friend arrived. She enjoyed staying while he ate his meal, and they talked.

But the next time he asked if she’d meet him for dinner, she said “no, honey, but I’ll talk with you right now on the phone”.

Simple awareness. No bitterness. No resentment. No tolerating. No trying to convince anyone they’re wrong, or they made a mistake the last dinner.

What if the universe was showing you perfectly, in just the right way, the direction to move? Without judgment? Without any “right” or “wrong”?

“We have to be what we are, so we don’t have to present a false image. If you love me the way I am, “Okay, take me.” If you don’t love me the way I am, “Okay, bye-bye. Find someone else.” It may sound harsh, but this kind of communication means the personal agreements we make with others are clear and impeccable.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements

Sometimes, what I notice happens when doing The Work and questioning my beliefs about someone, especially when they’ve said things or done things that don’t feel so great….

….is I move away from them.

Perhaps I speak up clearly. I’m not compelled to communicate, or not communicate. Instead I do and say what feels free, clear, courageous, and true. Not so someone thinks well of me, but so someone hears me.

Not the false Angel Complex all mired in acting “good”.

Just the facts, ma’am. The truth.

Keeping it simple.

Much love,

Grace

June 15, 2016

She might hurt me….

journal — Step One in moving towards peace: Find the situation, and write very honestly about what happened, your beliefs, unedited.

In Year of Inquiry we’re ramping it up this month as we ponder what the worst thing is, what’s threatening, when situations occur we don’t like.

Someone had a great situation yesterday in telegroup.

A person being mean, nasty, disloyal, gossipy, critical.

I could see someone in my mind who I’ve worried about being critical. Could they snap at any moment and call the newspapers and start talking about me and what a bad, imperfect person I am?

What if someone’s scheming to take me down? Even if I can’t find anything wrong I’ve done?

It’s a strange, nervous, anxiety-producing feeling that someone could hurt me for no reason, at any moment. It happens in the movies. It happens in Shakespeare plays.

Betrayal. Shock. Mistaken identity. Stabbed in the back.

If you’ve ever been involved in a situation where someone DID surprise you, even way back in childhood, you might have some lingering waves of uncertainty about humans and what they’re capable of. Maybe a sense of needing to be very careful, walk on eggshells, and make sure you don’t disappoint anyone.

The thing is, it’s really difficult being so careful.

You lose your spontaneity, your sense of joy and relaxation. Maybe you react by staying home, hiding in a sense your true feelings, not expressing what you really think, or feel. Maybe you cut that person off and never talk to them.

The best way I know how to work with this sense of impending doom, or someone reacting to you in a disturbing way, is to go to where it already happened in the past.

Even if you observed it, and you yourself weren’t the target of someone’s anger, upset, hatred or fear.

As the group moved through inquiry on the phone together, I distinctly pictured one person who I could imagine feeling angst, disappointment, anger or sadness with me.

But why? What was my evidence? What is my memory, my situation, where I got wind of the possibility of her not being loyal or supportive or caring for me?

It wasn’t so obvious, because there wasn’t a clear “betrayal” moment. Yet, as I stayed in contemplation about this person from my history, scanning the moments of “proof” for why I might feel cautious of her….

….I could see a fleeting sentence written in email come to mind. A sentence she wrote to me after I told her something she didn’t like hearing–that I didn’t want to talk with her and hash out or process further what had gone on between us. I felt like it was said, and said again, and silence for awhile was the next best step. We could revisit it later, regroup after some time went by.

She said something, in reply to my request for letting things rest awhile, like “sometimes actions you take produce karma you may not like”.

I suddenly realized, in that tiny memory of a sentence written, that I worried it was a threat. I better watch out. I better be nicer. I better say “yes” and not “no”. I’m doing it wrong. She’s disappointed with me. Uh oh.

In that awareness, I see I’ve got my moment, my situation.

Good. I can write down my thoughts, starting with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I can stay very close and connected to my experience of reading words. It’s OK if I don’t even remember exactly what the words said. My thoughts and beliefs are alive and present. My feelings are stressed.

I know what to do with them. The Work.

Much love,

Grace

June 8, 2016

I had a massive hissy fit…and after The Work…I had a Living Turnaround

DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!! Have you ever had this thought with a vengeance? Living the Turnaround can be.....sweeter than sugar — DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!! Have you ever had this thought with a vengeance? Living the Turnaround can be…..sweeter than sugar

Oh rats.

The other day I screwed up big time.

If there was a camera in the room, or you were a fly on the wall, I’d be soooooo embarrassed.

I got angry with my 19 year old daughter.

I was on skype on my computer, working with a client. She entered the room, gesturing wildly, looming over me and obviously very frustrated. I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to ask. She grabbed a piece of paper and wrote things aggressively on it. She tapped the paper hard.

I squeezed my eyes shut, looked down at my computer keyboard, and kept going with my client.

She was still there five minutes later.

Still there.

I glanced up, her teeth clenched, eyes burning a hole into my head.

She was NOT getting the message that I should be left ALONE.

Thank goodness the client I was working with was audio only, not video. It was like a thing inside me went ballistic and exploded and I screamed at her. OK, it wasn’t really a scream, but it was like a vicious hiss without sound. I was mouthing the words.

GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!

Now I was gesturing wildly pointing my finger at the door. Flailing around like a nut case.

OUT! OUT! GET! OUT!

Inside it felt like World War III.

She left, and slammed the front door.

Later, as I walked through The Work with my reaction, focusing on that powerful moment, when I got to the turnarounds, I knew this was one of those pieces of work where action needs to happen.

The Living Turnaround.

I’m preparing curriculum on this very topic for the upcoming Breitenbush retreat, only two weeks away.

(By the way, there are four spots left at Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat June 22-26. This is the last year with the deeply experienced and supportive assistance of Susan Beekman, also Certified Facilitator, who has come with me every single year since we started offering this workshop together in 2011. I’ll probably be doing it in 2017, but she’s retiring).

Finding your own personal Living Turnarounds is very powerful, and sometimes tricky. It doesn’t come so easy.

Because it’s nice to do The Work and everything, and imagine dropping thoughts, changing uncomfortable ideas to exciting ideas, switching things into the positive from what was before feeling negative, watching stress release itself from your mind and heart.

But if it stays up in the head as an intellectual or purely cognitive exercise, without sinking down into the body and into our every move…

…then, well…it’s not really transformative.

Not that we can exactly control transformation (haha) because if we could, we’d all be completely and entirely transformed by now. All foibles and imperfections shaved off and smoothed down. Goals reached, accomplishments made, projects achieved, relationships resolved.

No tantrums and waving arms about in fury.

Sigh. Chuckle.

So how DO we live our turnarounds, or discover more specifically our “living turnarounds”?

Well lets just say as a wild example, you do The Work on the stressful belief “she should NOT f$%&ing interrupt me!!!”

Your turnarounds are the following (without the cussing):

she should interrupt me
I shouldn’t interrupt myself
I shouldn’t interrupt her

Even though you may have a new perspective on the idea that she shouldn’t interrupt you, and you allow reality to be as it is, it doesn’t mean you constantly have your fingers crossed that you hope she interrupts you even MORE than ever, and your living turnaround is to keep the interruption going.

LOL!

That would be weird.

But you might find it very appealing to live the turnarounds “I shouldn’t interrupt myself” and “I shouldn’t interrupt her”.

You might sit and contemplate these, and find three ways you could act or be or feel like someone who supports these beliefs, who holds them as sacred, who is committed to these turnarounds as the greater truth.

You don’t like yourself when you interrupt. You want to understand your own internal incessant interruptions (anger, rage, fear, distraction) so you begin to see what it might look like to be someone who honors these turnarounds of NOT interrupting, and actually live them.

At least, this was the case for me.

If I lived the turnaround “I shouldn’t interrupt her” I asked myself what comes to mind?

I suddenly realized she didn’t know how on alert I felt, and a little nervous, because this was a brand new client I was working with, who wasn’t super familiar with The Work, who just got diagnosed with cancer.

I was thinking about my own cancer diagnosis. I was also aware this was a private call, and she didn’t know I had a client in the first place, and I felt embarrassed about having my kid walk into the room.

The Living Turnaround became very clear. Crystal clear.

I shouldn’t interrupt my love for my daughter, I shouldn’t interrupt my love for myself. I shouldn’t get so freaked out with trying to help the client, or feel overly-responsible to the client so that I can’t handle one small interruption. I shouldn’t interrupt myself with my attempt to be the perfect facilitator, who doesn’t have interruptions.

Trust the universe. Including an interrupting daughter.

I shouldn’t interrupt Reality, and try to make it go MY way.

I knew how to live the turnaround. I owed her an explanation, an apology, and to let her know when I have a client scheduled, if I know she’s coming home.

I hardly had to wait to find a good time to live the turnaround. It was already happening within, on the inside of myself. I no longer felt any of that rage and anger. I saw there was other work to do about clients with cancer….and my empathetic thoughts about them (this is for another Grace Note).

The next morning at 6:45 am, daughter called from her dad’s house to ask me something. After we got the basic logistical thing handled she was asking, I said “you know yesterday, when I was so incredibly furious with you? Well, I’m so sorry. Here’s what was going on for me in that moment…..”

I was super honest, vulnerable and very sincere. I left nothing out. I spoke of my nervousness before she ever came in.

At the end, I said “I love you so much”.

She said “I love you too, mom”.

And you know what? She didn’t interrupt me once.

“You can find the truth only when you go inside. Going outside for a solution, trying to convince her to see it your way, is war. Fear is blind and deaf.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

June 6, 2016

Needy. Controlling. Oh my.

In only a few hours: Meetup Online. Information right here on how to join for $10 (and everyone welcome even if you can’t pay). We begin 7:45 am and end by 9:00 am Pacific Time. Come do The Work with me!

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judgmentalwoman — Is there someone in your life who’s judging you for doing it wrong? Or demanding your time? They are so controlling! So needy! Can you be absolutely sure THEY need to change, for you to be happy?

I shared in one of my telecourses currently underway that two of my favorite (well, OK, the opposite really of “favorite”) judgments of other people are one, or the other, or both of the following:

1) Needy

2) Controlling

In our class, we’re going back and looking at qualities we really hate in other people….

….and we’re identifying very early, or perhaps “original” situations where these judgments came into being.

Have you ever thought of someone as needy?

How about controlling?

Anyone come to mind?

Just to raise the level of reaction, the feeling within, I decided to make sure both qualities were combined together in one person, and to look and see all the people who had both (In My Opinion of course).

Well…..there’s that friend I met five years ago at a women’s retreat who was an awful beoch, gossiping about me to others and trying to hurt me, it seemed, for reasons unknown.

(I know, I know, poor me–the victim speak comes out clearly with my words, but instead of criticizing myself for being a victim, I know what to do to really understand this: The Work. Which is where we’re going with this first step of being totally unedited and babyish and emotional).

Then there was that other friend who I’ve known for ten years, who come to think of it, was super opinionated like the first friend I mentioned. She was hostile to me that one time about being a messy person and not cleaning. So controlling.

And what about my other friend, a man this time, who wanted as much time as possible with me and NEVER got enough. Always sending messages “when can we talk? long-time no see”! So needy, give it a rest!

All of them needy for attention AND needing to assert themselves and their controlling opinions into MY life. JEEZ!

Oh. Heh heh. You noticed there were three people like this, none of whom even knew each other?

Funny.

I am the one common denominator.

(I once had a remarkable lunch with Dr. Hew Len. He said to me as we talked about my difficulty getting angry with my very young daughter….”You might notice, with every problem you have, who is there? You are.”)

Gulp.

But here’s something very important.

This isn’t about beating yourself to a pulp mentally, because of realizing it must be YOU.

These self-judgments never bring great insight, love and awareness. Have you noticed?

Self-judgment is a more conditioned, youngish, kind of adolescent way of dealing with a situation: Hate yourself.

Let’s not go there, and inquire instead. We’ll follow the simple directions and trust the doorway to awareness, using The Work, using the experience of suffering.

So, looking at these judgments, I see I apparently have trouble when I perceive someone being needy and controlling.

I judge “they ARE needy, they ARE controlling”.

RUN!!!!

I notice I get scared myself. I think I need to protect myself. I feel hurt, or anxious. I don’t feel relaxed. I’m all wound up.

My reaction kicks in like a tornado.

What’s so terrible about needy and controlling people?

Hmmmm. They’ll force me to do things I don’t want to do, in order to be liked by them. They’ll push me until I say no, and then they’ll be hurt, and disappointed.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if they’re hurt and disappointed?

I know this is kind of dramatic….but what comes to mind is they’ll feel so horrible, because I didn’t respond to their neediness, that they’ll feel suicidal. The worst thing I’ve ever heard of happening when someone is incredibly needy and controlling, is they kill themselves when they don’t feel loved.

But is it even true that this person, in MY situation, is needy and controlling? Are they trying to grab something from me, and using control to get it?

Eeek! Yes!

She wants more time, more advice, more comfort from me than I can provide. She’s demanding. She’s got a desperate thing going on under the surface she’s trying to cover up. If she was authentic, she’d want to move in with me, or talk every day, or go on trips together. She’s disappointed with me, with my capacity for sharing myself and my time.

I’m trapped here. I can’t speak up. If I do it will mean the end of the friendship perhaps. We can’t work through this.

Stop. Pause.

Does her behavior, that looks needy and controlling, really mean I’m in danger, or that she’s mad at me personally? Seriously?

Are you sure she’s needy and controlling, in that situation, and it means something bad for ME?

No.

Wow.

I’ve got a whole world of beliefs about what I should do if someone says they are disappointed in me, or says they’re sad that I don’t have enough time for them. Part of me is immediately disappointed that I disappointed someone.

How do I react when I believe it’s dangerous to disappoint someone?

I consider them wrong. I stamp them on the forehead with the labels “NEEDY” and “CONTROLLING”.

So who would I actually be in the very moment someone is making a request of me, when they’re simply speaking up for what they want in the moment….

….if I didn’t believe I must NOT disappoint them?

Who would I be without the belief I should never, ever disappoint someone, and therefore….find only people who are NOT needy and NOT controlling to hang out with?

Wow, crazy. Almost hard to imagine standing in the presence of someone who is crying, or writing, or speaking, and they’re saying they need more from me, or they’re disappointed….and not feeling nervous.

But I stay steady in this meditation. Who would I be without the thought it means they’re needy, or controlling.

I stare at them, in my mind, in the memory, imagining what it would be like to be the cat in the room with them.

The cat doesn’t care that this person is disappointed. The cat goes about it’s business. The cat walks through the room, being a cat.

What if I was an alien from another planet, who didn’t know when someone’s crying, or writing me a letter saying “I’m disappointed in this friendship” or someone’s yelling for me to pay attention to them, or someone’s calling me a whole bunch….

….that it’s dangerous, or it means something bad for me?

I’d be looking at a human, feeling big feelings, asking for what they want and believe they need.

They are afraid. They believe they’re lonely. They’ve got opinions, like I do. They believe they know what I’m capable of giving, and maybe it’s not true, but maybe it is. They’re being human. They’re believing their thoughts.

Let’s turn these thoughts around.

She (or he) is NOT needy, she is self-less. She is accepting, not controlling.

What are examples of this?

I begin to see each of the three people I mention blossom before me. No one is knocking on my door right now. I haven’t seen any of these people, who I’ve thought of as needy or controlling, for a long time. They stopped calling. One person freaked me out by sending me a text awhile ago that she was in the neighborhood and would be waiting for me for 3 hours nearby and it creeped me out, but I have no idea if it was true and nothing happened.

I turn the thoughts around again: I am the needy one. I am controlling. Especially when it comes to these people.

Wow, I can find how it’s true.

I need them to act in ways I find comfortable (not the way they’re acting). I need them to be loose and gentle, and not demanding. I need them to never, ever control me or even try. Not one smidgeon of a hint of trying to control my response to them. Or else I’m outta here.

Dang.

I’m controlling and needy with myself, too. I’ve been super demanding. I’ve asked myself to be so concerned with what other people think, I forget about what I myself think. I’ve thought of myself as missing something. I’ve crushed my own spirit with my self-condemning thoughts.

Maybe a little love is in order here. For myself, for them.

“The worst that can happen is that they are just like you! It’s their job to think what you’re already thinking, until you question it. When you question what you think, the truth will make you laugh.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

June 5, 2016

Are you repeating your story?

mylifestoriesfile — When did that stressful quality, or idea, first ever occur to you? Do The Work on that situation. The end of continuously being against the same thing, over and over again. The end….of suffering.

Her eyes were moving about the room quickly as she spoke, looking at me, then away, talking fast. We were sitting in my little cottage where she had come for a mini-retreat session to do The Work.

We had three hours together, set up so we could dive in more deeply and uncover a significant stressful experience she had been noticing in her life.

In the middle of telling a story about a neighbor who lived in her condominium complex who irritated the heck out of her, she commented on the calendar on my wall, then mentioned a co-worker who was incredibly annoying in the same way as the neighbor, then said how much she liked the old school desk I have by the entrance to the cottage and asked “do you live here”?

(I nodded yes).

She then said she realized something important about this whole idea of questioning the stories playing in our heads: They’re almost exactly the same.

Her comment struck me as very wise.

On that note, I asked her who her neighbor, and her co-worker, reminded her of? When was it she first found this quality in a human being annoying? When did it first occur to her that someone shouldn’t act they way these two women acted in her life?

Her mom.

I’ve had the same insights before….but the other day, after talking with this fairly new client, I thought I’d take my own inquiry deeper with someone who I know who I found just ever so slightly annoying, not a big major deal.

But it was a quality I had noticed in other people prior to him.

So I thought “this person sure isn’t very significant in my life, we don’t cross paths much, so who else is he reminding me of?”

Oh. Weird. Right.

Dad.

The thing is, I don’t always see the difficult and disturbing qualities I learned about in the presence of my father, because I loved my dad so much, and he’s been gone a long time (almost 25 years).

It’s felt like betrayal, or “rude” to criticize my dad, or to find fault in his actions, words or behaviors. Part of me wanted only the good dad images and memories. I didn’t want to see the parts I found troublesome, or sad, or imperfect.

Plus, the uncomfortable memories of my dad were kind of murky. Not as crystal clear as this acquaintance I found myself criticizing, who just bugged me last week.

Which is what is so great about day to day living.

Anything unfinished, unresolved, any upsetting stories about people in the world you find painful in the past….

….can reappear in your current life.

If you do The Work regularly, you may have already noticed you’ve got the very same kinds of qualities written down that you dislike, over and over again, in other people.

My personal favorites are “neediness” and “controlling”.

I love the question Byron Katie asks from time to time….”when did this thought FIRST occur to you?”

Suddenly I was flashing on a vivid memory of my dad, holding the yellow kitchen phone to his ear with the long yellow cord. He’s saying “Yes, OK…Sure, OK, Yes, Sure, Yes.”

When he hangs up with some force a moment later, he says “Goddamnit! Can’t they find anyone else to volunteer? I’ve been giving so much time, but they’re still bothering me for more!”

I take in this picture of my dad. Upset. Person on the other end of the line making him upset. Don’t say no to people, though….you should say yes (like my dad). Some important reason why NOT saying no is vital.

Now I’ve got a situation to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on. I can find my beliefs about my dad, and also the person on the other end of the phone line he was speaking to. I can discover what I began to believe right in that moment, what I set up as true.

Awesome…..let’s get to work, undoing the suffering, thinking I knew what was going on when my dad was upset, and how people “should” act, and what “shouldn’t” be happening.

Maybe I didn’t know. Maybe nothing’s set in stone.

(And as Byron Katie says….”drop the maybe”).

Much love,

Grace

May 23, 2016

Teenage Ninja Wars

angrygirlpluggingears — Bowing (on the inside) to the one who doesn’t want to hear me. Who would you be without your teenager story?

Breitenbush has glorious spots available in two beautiful cabins, a space for one man to share a cabin, and a few more sweet lodging options. They’ll open up these best lodging spots to the general public on June 1st, so calling now is best to register. Speedy quick! Breitenbush is June 22-26, beginning the evening of Weds with dinner and ending Sunday lunch.

We’re together every step of the way through investigating a deeply important stressful situation…and soaking in the wisdom of The Work and our inquiry. The natural mineral hotsprings and old growth forest are yours to experience outside of our sessions together. It’s an exquisite time, worth 26 CEUs for mental health practitioners and 24 credits for candidates of the Institute for The Work.

I love to say….”question your beliefs, have a wonderful summer” 2016. Everyone who signs up for Breitenbush automatically receives access to Summer Camp for The Mind, a 7 week daily blitz of The Work from July 5 through August 19. You could dial in almost every single day to keep soaking in The Work and stay connected to the practice of inquiry.

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The theater lobby doors open, and people begin to pour out of the dark standing ovation in the final performance of the high school spring musical.

My college-aged son, his girlfriend, my husband, and me all find each other and lean in one area against the packed space, waiting for daughter to emerge, knowing she could be awhile. We discuss the play amongst ourselves. Did you like it?

We talk, wave to people we know as they exit, watch delightedly as some of the actors mill through the lobby still in full make up and costume, holding flowers.

Daughter appears.

OMG that was soooo good, we exclaim. We talk about the story line, what an interesting choice of musicals and some problematic parts (did you see the one actor trip and nearly fall)?

I feel so proud of my daughter as she’s been on stage crew, behind the scenes quite literally, on stage.

This is her last theater production, but her first on crew–not acting or dancing.

I’m amazed she’s never felt left out for this show, she’s enjoyed the whole thing, been so willing and helpful and able. Not one comment of disappointment. She’s had a ball!

During the production, as I watched all the dancers (tap shoes, lots of complicated steps) I am struck that the cast is smaller than I thought. Something inside me feels totally understanding why my daughter didn’t get a dancing/acting part. Everyone on stage had a lot of dancing skills….and it’s not like there were a ton of dancers, either. Fewer than I thought, look at that.

So I begin to say something along these lines to my daughter out loud as we all stand together in that moment, like “wow, they were so skilled it makes sense you didn’t….”

She cuts me off.

“Why would you say THAT??!!”

Uh oh.

Everyone is listening. I’m confused. I feel on the spot. I’m embarrassed. Wait. She’s not hearing what I’m saying. I’m not saying it right.

I give her an icy stare. I feel hurt. Like I want to say with Steve Martin humor (only no one’s laughing)…..

…..”well excuuuuuuuuse me!!”

I actually say “you don’t have to speak to me like this….”

“Well, no one knows what you’re talking about!” she replies.

I go quiet.

Thoughts develop like rabbits, like a fountain of me-the-victim. I drive home separately from everyone else since I came separately. Good. Time to think. Time to see what the heck happened in two seconds of words. Fume. Sad.

She disrespects me. She doesn’t get me. I’m an idiot. We will NEVER get along well (don’t you love these grand broad forever statements), she finds me an embarrassment, I can’t connect with her, this hurts too much. Teens are too hard to work with. I take back all my awareness of how great we are together. Nevermind! (By Nirvana!)

Deep breath.

Is it true I’m a victim? Is it true she hurt me? Is it true I hurt her? Is it true everything should be said so no one gets hurt, under any circumstance? (LOL) Is it true we should communicate perfectly? Is this troubling story, and all its baby rabbit thoughts….true?

Oh. What a question. Is it true? Wow.

No.

How do I react when I think I should be respected, and this looks like DIS-respect? How do I react when I feel hurt? Or I worry I hurt someone else? Or someone didn’t hear me right….called my daughter?

Ugh. I think “I VANT TO BE ALONE”! (Say it with a Hungarian accent and a lot of drama, put back of hand on forehead and fall backwards into the couch).

But joking aside, it feels so uncomfortable.

With the thought, I’m very sad. I feel an arrow go into my heart. I defend. I attack. I say things like “NEVER…” and “ALWAYS…”

So who would I be without this thought that my daughter hurt me, in the moment she cut off my words? Or that I was bad because I hurt her, or did it wrong?

I would feel the energy of STOP coming towards me as she spoke. I would stop.

I would trust the universe, reality in this moment, is making an important declaration through the voice of a teenage daughter. I would notice I have no idea what my daughter is thinking, and I’m making a zillion assumptions about her and what she’s experienced being on stage crew.

I would give a little bow, on the inside, to her direction.

I would not feel hurt. I would not defend. I would not tell her how to speak to me. I would not be disrespectful. I would notice the healing element of silence. I wouldn’t have to do a thing.

Turning the story around:

She respects me deeply. She gets me so well, she picks up that I might be talking about her lack of a part on stage before I even say so fully, (maybe not something she wanted to hear in that moment). I’m not an idiot, just bumbling about saying what’s in my head without a filter. I could use the refinement. I can find other examples.

More turning it around:

We will ALWAYS get along well (don’t you love these grand broad forever statements), she finds me to be someone she can speak honestly to, I CAN connect with her, this hurts ME too much to be telling my internal story (that has nothing to do with reality). Teens are easy to work with–bam. I know where I stand. We are great together!

Nevermind.

Nevermind my whole story. Never. Mind.

“The mind is so conditioned to move away from it [peace] that it will try to argue with the basic fact of peace’s existence within you: ‘I can’t be at peace yet because I have to do this, or that, or this question hasn’t been answered, or that question hasn’t been answered, or so-and-so hasn’t apologized to me.’ There are all sorts of ways that the egoic mind can insist that something needs to happen, something needs to change, in order for you to be at peace….

….Just imagine for a moment that this isn’t true. Even though you may believe that it’s true, just imagine for a moment: What would it be like if you didn’t need to struggle, if you didn’t need to make an effort to find peace and happiness? What would that feel likenow?” ~ Adyashanti

Even with daughters and foot in mouth?

Yes, even then. Especially then.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you have a child, or a parent, or someone in your life who has apparently caused a disturbance within….come to Breitenbush. We’re almost full. You don’t have to bring THEM, just your own mind. Enter what Byron Katie calls the Great Un-Doing. You can tell, feel, think a different story.