Category: Relationships

Posted on

No such thing as someone who is against you

enemy
If you think someone is your enemy because you said “no”….do The Work (and it doesn’t mean you say “yes” when you’re through)

A weird thing happened with a friend and colleague.

Have you ever been torn up about hurting, disappointing, or making someone else anxious because you said “no”?
Well….I have a friend. We were on the very same page with shared interests in spirituality, philosophy, mindfulness–intrigued by the same topics and the recovery process from addiction and other difficult human conditions.
Even though we lived pretty far away from each other, and little time or space, she’d share a link on facebook chathead from a lecture she heard, then I’d ask her about her recovery process a few years earlier and how the info in the lecture applied. Then I’d send a video link, or a book review. She’d reply.
It was like two colleagues sharing research in many ways, and also knowing a bit (certainly not all) of each others’ details of personal history.
I’m fascinated by recovery from addiction, intrigued by learning how to teach and facilitate better myself, and totally inspired with peoples’ stories of transformation, in every way.
So this friend asked me if I could have a conversation, instead of sharing research information the way we typically had.
We had a long talk, while I walked with bluetooth headset in my ears, on a Thursday evening. She shared more of her personal story. It was a close, long conversation. I was walking so it felt OK to take that time–over an hour….out enjoying the fall air.
I remember going around the block a few times at the end of that walk-n-talk in the cool, dark fall evening, waiting to wrap the conversation and get inside to my husband and daughter who might worry if I’m gone for a super long time on a walk. I remember checking my phone.
Later, another request for a phone call. And how ‘about she travel to my town for tea? It took several months, but I eventually agreed and we met at a coffee house for a conversation about a few of our favorite important authors and using drama and theater as therapy.
I really loved the material. I had (still have) a huge appetite for knowledge. I could probably question the usefulness or sanity of this thirst at times, but mostly it’s wonderful. I am an intense reader. This mind apparently loves to gather information.
But after the tea, the communication escalated.
How about another tea? Oh, you can’t make it? I’ll come to anywhere, how about across the street from your house?
Rats. I really don’t want to.
I’ve had other amazing and brilliant people ask me for coffee/ tea to talk about how to build their private practices, or talk about doing The Work with their clients, or they say “I’d love to pick your brain”.
This felt like the time requested was just….too much. Not available. Not interested, not drawn.
I could feel when it became a “no” as I’m reading the request to get together again in person. And a little clutch of something uncomfortable in my stomach, not unlike the feeling on the walk the previous autumn, when it took 30 minutes to say goodbye.
I’ll disappoint her. But I like her, she’s truly interesting. But I’ll hurt her feelings. But we’re on the same page. But this particular request has red flags all over it because why is she coming to my neighborhood all the way from an hour away? And it would be insulting to ask for fees so I can schedule it during work hours (plus she doesn’t have the money).
Something’s off. Something wanted here, that isn’t being expressed. Something’s hungry.
I just feel like running away. I feel a flash of alarm.
I tell her I don’t have time for my own mother over the past year (quite true). My time feels very precious and very focused. I tell her I’m actually going more screen-free (true on all accounts) and I delete the messenger chat head app thing. Too much distraction happening, all day long with beeps, vibrates and buzzers.
Now, here’s where something stressful occurred.
I experienced relief. No more facebook on my phone, killing the battery life. Including less interaction with this friend. Me doing less wild consuming of knowledge overall. Me backing off in my own “spiritual hunt” (I’ve talked about the agony of spiritual seeking in other Grace Notes, jeez). I stop having consultations with any teachers myself.
I feel space. I feel greater quiet. Ahhhhhh.
Then a long email letter arrived. From this same friend.
Upset with my silence, my non-responsiveness, my email reply saying I’m not available and that she’s disappointed and frustrated with our relationship.
I’ve been here before with other people I care about. This is not unfamiliar.
“Unless I meet their needs (demands) they’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. They’ll blame me. They’ll feel rage towards me.”
OK now….note: there was no other expression, no actual rage, no one even in the room. This was all what I noticed happening in my own head and gut feeling as I read an upset email. I even felt guilty. She said she was only following my lead with communication frequency. She said she wanted to develop the friendship further. She said she cared about me and was very confused.
Heart sinking. I’m a fast writer. I’m intense. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions or answered them. I should never get close to someone via technology. I screwed up. I’m the one facebook chat-heading too much. I’m a shitty person, unclear, passive, wrong. This is my fault. I should have been able to see she was tender, vulnerable, not very strong. I should have taken more care. I should, this should, it should, oh no.
STOP. (Do you hear the back-up truck beeping??!)
I know when I move into “I am a shitty person” thoughts, then I’m deflecting, out of the actual situation, into attacking myself….
….and holding the belief as absolutely TRUE that something has gone wrong.
Has it?
I shouldn’t disappoint anyone, ever. If they’re needing my attention, I should say “yes” and help out. If I say “no” they’ll be disappointed, or desperate, or angry, and feel crushed.  
Is this all actually true?
Yikes. This belief system goes way back. I feel like a little kid. I feel like saying “yes, it’s true”.
But I can’t absolutely know it. I’m here. I’ve survived other important people wanting my time and attention very, very badly. No one is following me around right now. Nothing terrible is happening.
Having this story is intense, though.
Pictures of someone committing suicide because I say “no”, even though this has not occurred directly in my life, but it’s been threatened in the past. I’m the savior, they are suffering horribly.
Pictures of a depressed, unhappy, lonely person in need of rescuing. I sometimes have pictured my dad this way–but I’ve done The Work and I’m very honestly don’t feel the truth of this anyore–and the images still appear. Lonely sad guy. No friends. Needs cheering up. I should do the cheering. Or else.
So who would I be without this story, that this friend needs me to say “yes” in order for us both to be happy?
Wham.
Back in my own business. Standing here, willing to be destroyed, if that’s what happens in the future. Staying in my integrity rather than pretending my “no” isn’t real.
Willing to risk finding out what happens when I say “no” rather than assuming it will be a repeat of “bad” emotional situations in the past when other people got disappointed.
Without the thought, I’m entering the unknown.
Sometimes this Question Four can feel very discombobulating. Quite weird. Without control. Like a WARNING sign is blinking, but you’re walking forward anyway.
Who would you be without the belief that if someone else is disappointed, it’s your fault, or that you can even fix it and make it better?
As I sink into considering this, I feel a distant idea come into focus.
I can relax. Feel compassion for the friend, for me, for anyone who has ever wished for more of my time and not gotten it the way they wanted it.
I turn the story around:
“Unless I meet MY needs THEY will be disappointed, and so will I. Unless they meet their own needs, I’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll WON’T be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. I’ll blame me, they won’t. I’ll feel rage towards them, or towards myself.”
 
Who was disappointed first? Remember the long walking phone call where I “couldn’t get off the phone”? Who didn’t hang up and say goodbye clearly? Am I expecting them to read my mind?
Am I expecting myself to read theirs?
I noticed in my situation with this friend, I didn’t ask some questions because I thought it was rude, or too personal. The answers, however, might have been important for me, and changed the course of the communication.
I notice I’ve got this way of giving everyone what is called the ‘benefit of the doubt’. It doesn’t really mean giving benefit. It means I am passive, so I avoid speaking up about my worries or concerns and therefore don’t have to worry that someone will be insulted by my questions.
Benefit of the Doubt means I don’t let the Other know, whoever they are, that I’m not comfortable in their presence, or I’m picking up on something I can put my finger on. It means I hide.
So much egg-shell walking.
And who am I trying to protect?
Me.
Some part of me, when living in unquestioned thoughts about sharing honestly, doesn’t want to do anything that would result in big emotions, big feelings, big expressions of feelings.
My rule (stressful belief): NO ONE GET UPSET! (Including me).
And here we arrive at a deep, beautiful, abiding, sweet turnaround so many people long to feel.
It’s perfectly OK to feel very deeply, and strongly.
Just because humans do things a little crazy sometimes when they feel deeply (like hurt people, or themselves, or yell, or break things, or panic) doesn’t mean they ALWAYS will hurt people when they feel deeply.
Today I heard a very interesting scientific fact, mentioned by Steven Hayes the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
He said humans are by far the most compassionate primates.
We so love connecting with each other, and understanding one another.
Sometimes, however, connecting is excruciatingly uncomfortable. There are feelings of worry, loss, suffering, sadness, and disappointment.
But it doesn’t have to mean terror, or death, or horror.
It can just mean….here we are bumbling along, not knowing how things will unfold, taking space, coming back together, moving away again, reconnecting….
….but basically caring the whole time.
She should have written to me, she should have been disappointed, she should have been upset, demanding, worried, sad, over-the-top, asking too much, confusing.
Because she was. We’re like that sometimes.
And it doesn’t mean I change my mind, if I don’t.
“It’s not possible for something to be against you. There’s no such thing as an enemy; no person, no belief, not even the ego is an enemy. It’s just a misunderstanding: we perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it….Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet. All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe. If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
 
Much love,
Grace
Posted on

How do you live your turnarounds?

Iloveme
they love me, I love me, I love them living the turnarounds is….exciting

In the past several years, doing The Work regularly, I’ve become super interested in the Living Turnarounds.

You might wonder what I’m talking about?

When we do The Work….the four questions, followed by finding turnarounds, or opposites, to the concepts we’re questioning….

….we often find turnarounds that “clunk” (as one lovely participant put it in the spring retreat this past weekend).

It’s like the turnaround makes you take palm and hit forehead.

For example: I once did The Work (many times in fact) on a very dear friend who reacted abruptly to something she thought I did that wasn’t accurate.

While the thing she reacted to wasn’t actually true….I still deeply investigated “she doesn’t care about me” because of what happened.

When I said out loud the first turnaround I saw clearly “I didn’t care about her” I sat for a few minutes thinking, nope, I definitely cared very much about her!

But I knew to keep sitting with it, and find even the smallest example, to open up my mind (for my own benefit, not because I “should”).

As I waited, I began to realize; Oh. I listened to her talk on the phone for long periods of time without saying “I need to hang up now” and secretly resenting the length of time I was in the conversation. I never told her I don’t like to hang out in bars or buy exotic drinks. I was occasionally jealous of her fortune, and the fact she didn’t have to work for a living.

I didn’t exactly have kind, compassionate, loving thoughts towards her at all times. I wasn’t honest. I judged her and never brought up my irritations–which in real friendship is hard, but deeply valuable and connecting when you can sort through it.

These were all ways I didn’t care. I secretly harbored many unpleasant thoughts about her.

Dang. I was not truly caring about the friendship, not really steppin’ up to an honest, genuine connection. And I had been doing it a long time, maybe most of the so-called friendship.

Another turnaround I found in my work on that friend was of course “I didn’t care about myself”.

Again palm to forehead.

Clunk.

Why didn’t I speak up for what I really wanted, or say NO if I didn’t want to go to that loud, brightly-lit bar or to spend precious money on fancy hors d’oeuvres?!

Which brings me back to this experience of looking closely at the Living Turnarounds.

If I lived my life, actually caring for myself, or feeling the way she DID care for me instead of being so sure she didn’t….

….what would it look like?

I began to notice when I didn’t say “no” or speak up. I began to include my own desires and wants and preferences in activities, with respect and love for myself (whatever this ‘self’ was).

Instead of ignoring when I wanted to say “no” to an invitation in order to be pleasing to someone else and not shake any feathers, I said “no”. I started feeling a sense of trust for myself, like I would take care of me without guilt, without hurting anyone else, without pretending anything.

Instead of believing someone didn’t care about me, I realized they might care enormously. I felt the sense of them caring. It was warm, kind….even somehow recognizable.

Of course they care. How very dear, tender and loving they are. Even if they seem confused or do things I learned were supposed to mean “they don’t care”….

….I could imagine the turnaround. I could feel how it was just a possible, even more probable, that they DID care (even my old friend)!

Slowly I lived the turnaround. And it grew bigger.

It’s been a little here, a little there. Speaking up just a little more, and a little more. Sharing my inner heart. Noticing when I haven’t responded to a request quite right and saying something then. Or maybe I have a question for someone in order to understand what my own answer is. Or I decide to spend time with someone face-to-face so we’re on the same page and learn about each other.

There hasn’t been a major turning point, as I’ve lived this new turnaround of caring about myself, caring about others, feeling the care people have for me, and trusting there’s a wonderful solution that works (if there’s a conflict) however long it takes.

This Living Turnaround is nothing super dramatic. I don’t have a story to share like “one day I said NO and everyone dropped their jaw in shock and from that point forward, I was the president of the United States”.

Ha ha!

But little by little, as this turnaround has come alive, whatever I am appears to be much more honest, speaking the truth when I know it, honoring whatever’s true inside me with loving kindness.

“Realization has no value until it’s lived.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to move closer into living your turnarounds, the ones that “clunk” (feel true and right for you) then spend a little time feeling in your body what they might be like, each day.

Ask yourself what you would do, how you would walk, how you would talk, what you would say, how you would live, if this turnaround were just as true or truer, than your original stressful belief.

The best news of all?

You don’t even have to believe it 100%.

Everyone and everything cares about me. I care for every part of myself. I care for everyone and everything.

What would it be like, today, to live this turnaround and act like it was true?

Pretty awesome.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Whose business are you in? If it’s not your own, you’re lonely.

This weekend the 3 day (we include all day Friday) annual Spring Retreat has been underway.

This retreat, like all of them, is a council of wise folks gathering to contemplate reality, to investigate stories that feel painful, to dig in to uncover hidden stressful beliefs….and of course take them through inquiry.

On Saturday night, it seems our tradition on these 3-day retreats in The Work is to have potluck dinner together.

I looked around the huge grand kitchen table at one point during the meal, after our inquiry together for two days, and was so inspired by the beauty, sharing, joy, and great love I felt for each and every person present.

I haven’t always felt connected to everything and everyone in my environment.

I usually felt DIS-connected from everything and everyone, to be honest.

Even though, as I felt the dis-connection and alienation from everyone and everything, and felt very separate from just about everyone and everything…..

…..I was also wondering constantly what everyone and everything was thinking, doing, and feeling, and hoping no one would be mean to me or hurt me, or that nothing horrible would happen.

My general thought was that people are a bit scary, and the world was definitely full of frightening possibilities. You had to be careful.

There is a principle Byron Katie shares fairly often when facilitating people in their work. The “Whose Business?” Principle.

She’ll ask the question as someone explores a situation: “Whose business are you in?”

There are three choices for your answer:

1) I’m in my own business

2) I’m in someone else’s business (and it’s not my business)

3) I’m in God’s business (also not my business)

So for example….I have a stressful belief that my child should not have broken his wrist.

I wasn’t there when he did, I rushed to the hospital emergency room.

My heart is racing, I’m terrified, I’m worried about him, I believe he needs his mom ASAP. I’m driving like a maniac, my hands gripping the wheel.

Whose business am I in?

My child’s business.

His life included a broken wrist….(twice). His reality appears to involve broken wrists, and I notice he hasn’t been all that upset, he’s felt well-cared for, and his life is completely OK despite these broken bones and incidents. They’ve mended. He’s fine.

When I’m freaking out, and my wrists are perfectly healthy, I’m in his business emotionally. I’m over there, worrying about him and imagining he’s suffering terribly, and no one is home with me driving safely on the road to him at the hospital. I abandoned myself to spend time in his business, sweating bullets instead of clearly and calmly doing what needs to be done without more added stress (like a potential speeding ticket).

What is God’s business?

Earthquakes, typhoons, day time, night time, sun, moon, rock, tree, wrists getting mended, the body doing what it does, death, birth, clouds, aging, plants, the whole of reality.

When I’m in God’s business, the same results occur as when I’m in my kid’s business.

I’m lonely. No one here with me. Upset with God. Putting a lot of suggestions in the Suggestion Box, and they don’t seem to be getting answered, either. (God is so remote sometimes, jeez).

Being in my business is the only sane position, the only principle that actually works. The most stress-free position.

Being in my own business, I’m seated here in my own life, feeling the force of being here now, surrendered to what is NOT my business.

Not lonely.

I looked around on Saturday night, sitting at a table with fascinating, interesting, beautiful people who are all very interested in questioning their stressful thinking and waking up to whatever is really true for themselves. I smile with the joy of it all. I feel very much a part of the group, the life force all buzzing together, sharing together. I am not lonely. I’m so fascinated by everything in this room, and every person.

But here’s the funny thing….the more I do The Work and question what I fear, what I’m against, what I dislike, how I am separate, all the stressful thoughts…..

…..the more I find that I’m not even sure there is ANY business I can actually truly, freely, be in. Not even “my” own.

What if every single thing I could encounter in my life is the business of something that is not purely all me? What if nothing is my business?

Just saying.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Next 3 Day Retreat Sept 16-18, 2016. Kenmore, WA.

Posted on

Mentors have made a huge difference in my life….for the better

laddertosuccess
Does it seem impossible to “get there” to peace in divorce, or peace in business? Question your thinking.

A woman I greatly admire is the late Debbie Ford, author of many books, and so passionate about opening herself up to an expanding life. The first book I read by her was Spiritual Divorce.

I read it because I was going through one.

Reading that book, and doing The Work, changed everything for me about what I was experiencing.

I could see myself in her.

She had gone through divorce. She had come out even better. She had not only made it through, but transformed into a new person.

Two big reasons why Spiritual Divorce saved my sanity stood out.

First, to call divorce “spiritual” was a fantastic turnaround. I was only a baby in The Work and had experienced so much inner suffering around loss, fear, and transitions like divorce….it was inspiring to read of someone else putting on a new pair of glasses about something I thought of as terrible, like divorce.

Second, Debbie suggested when I judge someone, or even have a quick immediate response that feels uncomfortable, I’m probably seeing something inside of me I’d rather not see.

In other words….I’m projecting.

When I meet or think of someone and I think “ewwww, gross” or “that’s disgusting” or “he is awful, selfish, uncaring” or “she is rude, passive, needy”….

….I could be rejecting something Debbie called the “shadow side” of myself. I’m looking at that other person and seeing with judgment and rejection and alarm.

My mind is saying “Never Be Like That!” as I look at this other troubling person.

Byron Katie would call your awareness of this projection aturnaround. What I dislike in you, I dislike in me.

Well….I have another area of life where in the past I felt lost, depressed, inadequate and like a failure.

Making a living.

Ugh.

Why didn’t I go to medical school? Why did I have to be such a nervous wreck once I hit my twenties and young adult-hood? Why couldn’t I work at a good company and stay there? And what about me running my own business now….can I even make it on my own?

One thing that’s been incredible, is to notice who I think of as successful, who I feel has made it, who is earning a good living, who has a respectful career, who’s doing “well”….

….and inquire into what’s really true.

What do I think they have, that I don’t?

Believe me. This was several (cough…tons) of worksheets.

Thoughts constantly surfaced as I offered my services whenever I was not directly working with people (working with people I felt good, clear and like I was following my calling). Doing all the promotional stuff, sharing my wares, spreading the word, doing speaking engagements. Yuck!

Thoughts like “I can’t talk to those people”, “I don’t have what it takes”, “they’re better than me”, “they know more”, “I’m a dork when it comes to business”, “people won’t like me”.

And if someone suggested to me I do something like share yourself honestly or talk about money openly, I thought “I can’t, I won’t, that’s embarrassing!”

Well….I’m still not entirely comfortable with the whole business, earning, money, work ethic, success story, to be honest, but I just had to share with you today that I have another mentor/coach who I’ve also learned some valuable things from, just like Debbie.

I mentioned her last weekend….Selena Soo. But here’s why I’m speaking of her again. She interviewed me after I worked with her for a year, and I just got the link.

(You can watch by clicking HERE even though the shy introverted part of me can hardly believe I’m sharing this publicly. My first professional on-camera interview, I was very honored).

This is really, truly a miraculous thing. That I would be interviewed because of my business success. Woah.

A couple of years ago, when I connected and started working with Selena, I actually began to become one of those people I always admired when it came to this definition of “success”. One of the reasons why was because Selena said she was introverted, too, and I could see it was true AND see that she was succeeding and helping people. The gap wasn’t so wide between me and her.

I could see myself in her.

Money was important and valuable, but Serving Others was what was most important about having a business or doing work in the world.

As you know, when we do The Work and question our thoughts, the place we immediately go is to our stressful beliefs. The ones we’re thinking when we feel unhappy, when we feel dread, sadness, anger or suffering.

But what I discovered along the way, especially in the business world, was that when I admired and saw someone successful and rockin’ it, it was almost always just as difficult as seeing someone as bad, wrong or unacceptable.

I know this sounds weird, but my view of myself was sometimes diminished when I saw someone as brilliant, fantastic, genius, “arrived”. They are. I’m not.

Whooo Boy. It was such a weird awakening to realize thatcomparison, even to someone I admire, was stressful.

I’ll never forget going to a huge conference for business owners, before I worked with Selena (I met her there), and being surrounded by some people who said they made $1,000,000 per month in their businesses.

WHAT??!

There were huge fancy dinners and super loud music and people hootin’ and hollerin’ and clapping, people drinking and giving high-fives and laughing and spending. And I was staying “secretly” down the road at a Motel 6.

I was NOT COMFORTABLE.

Classes and programs, coaching and groups are certainly not for everyone, and no one has to sign up for anything. I say this when people are disappointed they can’t go to The School for The Work.

But one way I’ve loved living my turnarounds is to joyfully learn from whoever I can about anything I love and just be the one who is a total beginner, with an open mind, capable of getting something new and different. I’ve loved being in so many amazing programs of education, including ones about business and money, sharing, giving, receiving, paying, charging, marketing, writing, speaking.

Today I’m passing along the encouragement, if this business is something you’d like training in, to sign up for Selena’s webinar this next week or watch my video interview above. The reason I’m sending it now is because she’s getting ready to run her group program again, the same one I took, called Get Known Get Clients. If you’re interested, you can register for her webinar (completely free) here.

And when I did The Work on that big fancy high-flying-numbers business conference I had a profound insight.

It was a very difficult experience, very intense emotionally…..

…..but I found within myself a best friend (moi) and a friendliness to the wealthy, creative, innovative, successful people of the business world who I had always judged so harshly.

I discovered I was keeping my awesomeness from THEM. I was being selfish and greedy, and creating separation with my very thinking.

Most of all, I was disconnecting from myself, being so sure I didn’t belong in their club.

“I know now when I walk in a room that everyone loves me. They just don’t realize it yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Can you imagine feeling this way 24/7? That you’re the cutest thing ever, and you’ll never leave your side, and you adore being you?

What I know to do is when I don’t…..The Work.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Breitenbush has 7 spots before we’re full and it is such a fabulous time in a gorgeous pristine forest with a tradition of hosting brilliant and wonderful people like Ram Dass. I’d adore you joining me, whether you’re wanting to work on money, success, career, neighbor, mom, dad, sibling, child, body, addiction. We dig down into our stories, the ones that when we believe them, we suffer. Doing The Work together is, quite honestly (for me and for many), nothing like doing The Work on your own. Hit reply if you have questions, about anything Breitenbush. June 22 evening through Sunday June 26 lunch.

Posted on

Is anyone holding you back?

sad
question the story of he HURT me

My favorite! The Worst That Could Happen! (Little joke). Listen to Peace Talk Episode 111, a little 7 minute podcast: Click HERE.

Last minute spot for 3 Day Spring Into Freedom Retreat. This coming Friday 9:30 am – 5:30 pm, Saturday 9:30-5:30 (plus optional potluck with the group followed by movie night), Sunday 9:30-4:30 pm. We quite simply do The Work on our stressful situations, together. It’s awesome. 20 CEUs for mental health professionals.

There’s something very special about getting together with people interested in questioning their belief systems.

Stunning, really.

Just a few days ago the monthly private inquiry group met for Sunday afternoon 3-6 pm gathering in Seattle at my house (known as Goldilocks Cottage).

Despite it being Mother’s Day, just about everyone in the group could make it. Some members have children, but everyone there was mother to their own life journey, that’s for sure.

There’s nothing better I love doing to celebrate motherhood than sit to take a look, with The Work, at my internal thought process.

As people read their worksheets aloud, I heard a common theme you might also find familiar.

It’s called: worry about not being connected, being abandoned, being forgotten, being left, rejected…..

…..or the reverse: worry about hurting someone else by walking away, abandoning them, rejecting them, forgetting them.

Either way, hurt is happening.

I started our group off by suggesting we look at the belief in abandonment or parting ways, and the story we attach to it that brings on such suffering.

We wound up spending the entire group investigating this one concept, in its various forms.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

I can’t say “no” or break up or change, shift or leave a relationship because…..the other person will be devastated (or clingy, needy, unhappy, angry).

They can’t say “no” to me or break up, leave, shift, make changes because I will be devastated (or surprised, nervous, depressed, feeling bad).

Bottom Line: People can hurt each other by coming and going. 

Oh boy! Time to do The Work.

Find a place in your life where you really thought you were either, a) hurting someone else because you said Goodbye, or b) they were hurting you by saying Goodbye.

You may have several moments to choose from!

But pick only one.

Picture the leave-er or the left. The “leave-er” is the one doing the leaving, apparently. The “left” is the one holding still, in a manner of speaking, while the other one does the walking.

It doesn’t matter who takes on which role. Do you still notice you believe one person is hurting the other? This belief that “hurt” is happening is going on even when you hear about other people and their relationships. Oh no, so-and-so broke up! OMG, their marriage of 20 years is over! Oh my, he is so awful, she is so mean.

Whew. It’s an old, ancient belief to feel someone is hurting, and very worthy of giving attention to through inquiring deeply.

Now….look at the one who is hurt.

I usually think of this one as the left one, the abandoned one, the one who is rejected (or feels that way), the one who is hearing the Goodbye. The one who is watching the other person walk away.

Pause the “play” button right there.

The person being left is hurt. 

It could be you, it could be the other.

Is it true?

OMG, when I was once “left” I felt immediately worthy-of-being-left. It must mean that, right? I felt abandoned, lost, hopeless, needy, small, shocked, wrecked, shattered.

But was it actually TRUE that I was “left”? Like 100% altogether alone floating through outer space without anyone in sight, or whatever ultimate abandonment might be?

Was God indeed completely absent? Was connection somewhere else, but not there in my presence, as I sat in my living room quietly alone?

Whew. No. I really couldn’t find it to be true. I was sitting in a cute adorable cottage with tons of books (my favorite thing ever) and no place I needed to go.

I noticed, I was not hurt physically in any way. I was doing very well, in fact. Except for my thoughts, I was getting what I often longed for….silence and peace and quiet.

How did I react when I believed it hurt?

Crushed. Unable to sleep well.

Who would I be without this belief that the person being left is hurt?

Huh.

Woah.

Weird. Not sure at first.

Great question, though.

Who would I be without the belief I was hurt (by that person breaking up with me)?

Laughing. Out. Loud.

I mean, the whole thing is funny now. It’s been awhile. I know it wasn’t funny then. So even if you’re in a new transition, and you’ve felt really unhappy by the change….can you find what it would feel like to NOT have the thought that you’re hurt? Or someone else is hurt?

It feels strange, but interesting. Neutral instead of intense. Curious. Interesting. Different pictures come to mind, instead of the dreaded ones, about the future. Wondering what could be next?

Turning the belief around: no one is hurt. 

What?!?

Well, I see how physically no one is hurt at all. This is important to notice. It makes me realize I’m having a heart attack over something frightening that’s got nothing to do with body survival.

What about the turnaround that no one is hurt in any way? Wow.

Even if they’re feeling the emotional pain?

Well….from this moment now, way in the future after a very tough break up….I realize I was set free, not abandoned. I was offered the pathway to something incredible, and different. A freedom to be me, without all that heavy attachment. Without thinking I was so needy, desperate, grabbing.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

You mean, I don’t demand someone stay with me, in order to make me happy? Or that I stay with them, in order to be happy?

Ha-ha.

Right.

That would be hilarious.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I just got word Breitenbush is filling fast! This is the super incredible life-affirming 4 day annual summer retreat where you are out of cell phone range, internet service, you eat gorgeous fresh delicious yummy food, soak in hotsprings, hike in deep old growth forest….and every day with a lively and beautiful bunch of folks you do The Work. June 22-26. We explore wonderful (and stressful) things at Breitenbush. You can relax your body, mind and spirit like no other. Click HERE to read all about it, or to call Breitenbush to reserve your space.

Posted on

Are your thoughts about people (or money) a sacred religion devoted to pain?

Can't Stop Stressful Thinking? Do The Work
if you suffer from believing, you can question your thinking and change your relationships. Hell to Peace.

There’s an amazing group assembled for Relationship Hell To Heaven TeleCourse starting today 9 am Pacific. I can take 2 more people. We meet 90 minutes every Wednesday for 6 weeks. Write to me if you really want to do this, even if you don’t have the full fee and we can sort out a way you can join.

Sometimes this kind of idea….”sorting out a way you can join”….makes people squirm.

Thoughts about money and conversations about money come to mind.

What does sorting out mean? I’ll have to admit I don’t have enough money. I’ll have to say it out loud. I’ll be ashamed. I’ll offend the person who’s asking for a fee (in this case, moi).

Or the reverse. I’ll need to ask for money. I’ll have to say what the regular fee is out loud. I’ll make other people uncomfortable if they don’t have the funds. I’ll turn people away, or turn people off. They’ll think poorly of me, they’ll think I’m selfish or hoggish, they’ll think I’m hoity toity (I love this word, it comes from a verb meaning “to play or pretend” and some say from the French “haut toit” meaning high roof).

I once went to a workshop on money. An entire weekend, starting on Friday night, ending Sunday late afternoon.

There were many exercises and the facilitator was superb. I knew upon registering, going in, that the fee was sliding scale and we would be able to set our own amount at the end of the workshop, and offer the payment when it was over.

I had NO IDEA it would make me so uncomfortable.

On Sunday afternoon, after the full workshop was over, we had to decide what we wanted to give the facilitator, who had traveled from afar to give this program.

I hardly had any money and the whole reason I came was because, well A) I obviously had a problem with money because it was not in my life in much quantity, and B) I thought I could get away with hardly paying a dime and feel fine about it, since there was no set fee.

I was wracked with confusion, guilt, and worry about having No Fee. It was too much freedom. Too much meaning was put into the amount.

What it boiled down to was, I had No Idea what would make the teacher happy. I was used to making the teacher happy, I wanted to make the teacher happy, I didn’t know how to make myself happy.

I finally, uncomfortably, picked an amount that sounded like a “normal” workshop fee amount and wrote a check for $250. It was almost all that was in my savings at the time, but I was too embarrassed to pay less. The workshop was incredibly helpful and I wanted to show this in my fee.

Wow, that last hour deciding what to pay was worth the entire program in itself. Every stressful belief, every painful thought about having enough, or not having enough, came roaring to the surface as we all got to sit quietly, take out our checkbooks, and give honorably.

(Now, when I offer my money telecourse, I do the same thing. LOL.)

But you know, this pain and angst and torturous back-and-forth and “sorting out a way you can join” or “sorting” out the thoughts about money in any situation involving it, is not just about money.

It’s about Relationship.

I noticed, I did the exact same thing when in relationship with others, in many variations. I wondered if they would be pleased. I worried I wouldn’t get or keep what I needed. I watched to see if they would hurt me with words or betray or abandon or insult me. I worried I would accidentally insult them or stick my foot in my mouth. I felt very careful. I had judgements and criticisms.

I felt afraid.

I noticed fear in all forms appearing in my thoughts about others.

How do I get close, how do I feel connected, but not intrude or overstep? How do I speak authentically, but not insult. How do I take in what others say, but only the good stuff (the critical stuff seems to hurt)?

What a huge project. Exhausting.

If you notice there is someone, or several people in your life, with whom you have a tentative, or careful, or troubling, or anger-inducing relationship….

….then write down all those conflicting thoughts and see what words you’re using, and begin to study them.

Take them through The Work, the Four Questions.

How can you live, what does it feel like, how can you be fulfilled, enough, whole, OK, supported, here, receiving, giving, exchanging conversation and love and energy (money or otherwise) in a balanced amount, just right for you in this moment today, with everyone and everything?

How can you be you?

“I work with four and five year old children who suffer from believing the same concepts that adults believe. These concepts are sacred religions; we’re completely devoted to them. ‘People should come,’ ‘people should go,’ ‘people should understand me’, ‘I’m too this’, ‘You’re too that’, ‘my wife shouldn’t lie’, my children should appreciate me’, my husband doesn’t love me’, ‘my mother would be much happier if she saw things the way I do.’ Whatever story we’re attached to, that’s where our devotion is. There’s no room for God in it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to join the course that starts today at 9 am Pacific, you can move quick, or listen to the recordings if you miss out. RegisterHERE. Or like I said, write to me if you really want to do this work and don’t have the fee. It is my privilege to work with you, if you want to do The Work.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Who would you be? Happy.

jealous
If you feel unappreciated…..question it

Recently I found out someone who took a course with me was about to teach a course of his own using the same exercises and topic. He set the fee at the same exact rate, and the course was the same exact amount of weeks.

Honestly, I have no idea what to think about this kind of thing.

It’s a complete honor to have someone feel the exercises I’m offering are so good they want to use them.

The Work is also free. Everything of true value is accessible to anyone and everyone. No course is required for freedom. No course is required for human peace.

What is my little thought, the thing that feels weird about it, where I thought I needed to say something.….but what?

I knew what to do first.

Write down my brainstorm of thoughts, especially the stressful ones.

  • I worked my ass off, through suffering, and through recovery, to discover these exercises–he should think up his own work instead of copying mine.
  • He’s doing better than me, he’s delivering my work to many people, he’s more successful, he’s winning
  • I have personal transformation, and so much to offer, yet other people do it more extensively and with more confidence
  • He shouldn’t have signed up for my course just to get all the curriculum (he was deceptive)
  • I need him, and the world, to honor and respect and include me instead of leaving me out
  • He is sneaky, stealing from me, he used me
  • I’m not good enough, I’m not charismatic enough, I’ve got some kind of problem reaching others (he doesn’t)
I felt sooooo much scarcity, so much competition.
And what’s more is, I loved this guy and he was such a great participant in the program. (But he’s a liar!)
Whew.
Have you ever felt competition with someone else in your life, or jealousy, less-than, disappointment, or the sense of not being acknowledged, left out, withheld from, or stepped over?
OK, let’s do The Work.
Find that situation in your life where you felt this with someone.
Is it true, in that situation with that person, that you’re being copied and at the same time Not Acknowledged? Is it true that this other person’s success means you fail?
This happens a lot when someone feels rejected because of being “left” in their relationship for someone else, and then they see their former partner with a new lover.
They’re wrong. You’re missing out. You lose. It’s their fault, or even if you know it isn’t, you hate them anyway.
There they are, enjoying themselves together, and you’ve got no one, you’re not doing it right. You weren’t acknowledged, or included. You weren’t appreciated.
Is it true?
Can you be absolutely sure it’s true, really?
No.
How do you react when you believe it’s true that you’re missing out, or someone deceived you?
Oh man.

 

The way I react is total beeline focus on that person and wondering why they get the goods, and not me. Over and over again every day thinking this! Sad, upset, feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself. Furious at that person and how great they’re doing. Hoping that person does horribly, has a bad experience, and doesn’t succeed as much as they hoped (hoping they’ll also feel pain).

 

Yikes.

 

It’s embarrassing on top of it to even admit the immaturity in the thinking, the urge to withdraw, to never speak up, to shrink.

 

But who would you be without your thoughts about that other person, and about yourself?

 

Who would you actually be right now without the belief someone’s stealing from you, or you aren’t appreciated? Without the thought you’re missing out, and they’re succeeding? (And this does NOT mean you won’t say something to the person if it’s wise, mature and loving)?

 

Who would you actually be, right now?

 

Bam. Instantly I’m back inside my own body, in my own surroundings, full of curiosity and wonder.

 

I am supposed to be here, to be me doing the courses I do which seem to have a never-ending creativity to them. I am supposed to be this–because I am.

Without my troubled thoughts of scarcity and competition, I’d be open, curious, excited, noticing what my passions are.

I’d also remember how much I’ve gleaned from others I’ve studied–in fact, maybe everything I ever create a curriculum around is a collection of information from others. Nothing’s actually original.

Turning it all around:

I am appreciated, by me for the work I love to do, and by this man who loved my curriculum. He shouldn’t think up his own work, he should copy mine (it’s that good)! I’m doing just fine, sharing, working with people, enjoying this thing I call “work” immensely.

Oh lordy.

Who would you be without your fear of losing, of comparison, or of having others steal your material?

Happy.

If you’d like to join a small group for six Wednesday mornings from 9-10:30 am, we’ll be taking a sweet dive into some of these strange stressful concepts that arise within when it comes to others.

We start tomorrow!

Module One: Relationship Happiness, What Do You Believe? Find Out by Identifying Clearly What You Think
Module Two: What Should Be True (That Isn’t) and Using Your Imagination to Turn Your Beliefs Around

Module Three: Fear, Loss, and Dependency–Questioning the Pain of Avoiding the Future, or Resenting the Past

Read about the course HERE and register, too (only $297). I’d love you to join me.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Did you get ditched? (Or, did you do the ditching?)

If you’d like to join the online meetup for anyone, beginner to experienced, we’ll all dial in tomorrow and do The Work.

I’ll guide you through filling out a worksheet on your judgments on any situation bringing you disturbance, then we’ll work on one thought from start to finish. Click HERE to join tomorrow morning. It’s a good sampling of this work if you’re considering joining theRelationships 6 week teleclass that starts Wednesday morning! You can participate, or just listen.

Speaking of relationships.

goodbye
who would you be if you make peace with the story of goodbye?

Somewhere along the way in my history and practice of doing The Work, I noticed a thought that continuously came to the surface about other people.

If they criticized me, or confronted me, or challenged me, or disagreed strongly with me, I felt a terror within of potential abandonment.

Sometimes an incredibly fast reaction to this fear occurred almost immediately. Anger. If they abandon me….fine. They aren’t worth it either, they’re the jerk, they screwed up, good riddance, etc. I ditch them! Take that!

Such a great word “ditch” I noticed. I think I started speaking it, withothers kids, maybe around 3rd grade.

“Let’s ditch him!”

Weird how it showed up that way in our language. It didn’t mean anything horribly wrong. We’d be acting it out more like a hide and seek game.

And yet….how awful, sometimes, to be the one ditched.

What does it conjure up in the mind? I picture someone getting thrown in a ditch and buried at the side of a road, rather than in a graveyard. The poorest kind of abandonment and lack of caring. A sense of being discarded and worthless. No funeral. No acknowledgement. No connection. Treated like garbage.

Ouch.

I notice, I think it’s true.

I think it’s true that sets of people can ditch other sets of people (war) and families can leave families (what happened to my ancestors immigrating from Sweden and Ireland) and relationships can suddenly, or not-so-suddenly end, and people can die.

I know how I react when a friendship has disappeared and someone I cared deeply about stopped speaking to me or, I stopped speaking to someone I cared about (yes, I’ve done it). I know what it’s like to have people I love so much die.

It feels heart-breaking.

But who would I be without the story that the heart is actually severed in two? Who would I be without the story of being ditched? Who would I be without the story that heart-break is terrible and to be avoided at all costs, or even CAN be avoided?

Who would you be without the story that heart-break is impossible to live through, or that when you’ve ditched someone or they’ve ditched you, you can’t live a joyful, meaningful, engaged life and go on?

Turning the thought around: I am not ditched by my friend, I did not ditch that man I once knew. I ditched myself. Ditching hasn’t happened.

How could this be just as true, or truer? What are some examples?

I notice I’m here, alive in this temporary moment. I remember the people with care and attention and love who I no longer see regularly in person. Life has gone on after others are no longer present, they’ve left, or have even died. I have new friends in my life, constantly.

I will be gone someday too.

Does that mean I’m ditching planet earth?

Ha ha….not at all.

As if “I” could be even doing that anyway, in the first place.

I would be simply moving on, following the way of it, moving with the universe. I’d be someone with a heart broken over and over again, but somehow it was OK anyway.

Because I’m here, right now.

“When you inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy or appreciate them–while they last….Even if everything were to collapse and crumble all around you, you would still feel a deep inner core of peace. You may not be happy, but you will be at peace.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Right now, I notice, if I want to make contact with someone I haven’t connected with in a very long time…or I have thoughts about being ditched or ditching someone else…I can actually make it right, without expectation for anything happening next.

I can write a letter to that someone and let them know they were not worthless or discarded, if this is appropriate and wise. I can write to family members or ancestors even when they are no longer alive and send the letter to them through fire (burning it). I can sit still and feel the deep inner core of life within me and acknowledge the peace.

I can feel the presence of Reality, the Universe, or God handling all of this without my approval, and notice no matter how much ditching I’ve imagined has happened, something mysterious is still here anyway, and life is going on.

In fact, I am surrounded by things in this moment: chair, desk, lamp, carpet, humming sound of heater turning on, light, window, cup, sign, phone.

Nothing is absent in this moment. Even my stories. But I don’t have to act like they’re absolutely true and I need to do something about them based on terror or avoidance.

Not right now. I’ve got inquiry.

Then, movement and action can be born out of my stories based on love, and wisdom, instead.

Much love,

Grace

Inquiry Call Tomorrow:

 Find A Local Number In Your Area (multiple countries)

To join with your computer, simply click here to the event page:

Event Page:

First Tuesday Online Meetup With Grace

Posted on

deep divers inquiry–why does it work?

Today I’m headed to the distant reaches north of Ottawa, to a cold (snow flurries recently reported) remote area to participate in Orphan Wisdom School with the good Stephen Jenkinson.

I’ll be taking my trusty laptop and sharing with you some of what happens there for me, especially when it comes to the power of self-inquiry and being on this beautiful and crazy planet. Who knows what will happen. Stay tuned!

********
Grace Bell facilitating – notice the new gamer headphones, extremely hip. My game is inquiry, apparently.

During the past year, I’ve been doing more and more mini retreats, something I offered for the first time several years ago: a short intense half-day session doing The Work with a small group.

People come from all walks of life, and I’ve offered them online and in person.

This format morphed into mini-retreats-for-one, where a client and I meet for three hours whether in person or on facetime or skype or facebook video call. The amount of time feels luxurious and incredibly powerful and helpful.

The number of people taking this option has exponentially increased, maybe because it’s such a sweet deep dive. It’s amazing to have the time available to really go beyond the traditional once per week 50 minute sessions in many healing professions (this way isn’t always ideal for everyone).

I wanted to make sure you knew this was an option for you. If you’re concerned with anxiety, eating issues, a really difficult relationship (or lack of one) or trouble at your job, career, a co-worker, it can be awesome to sit with your mind and a facilitator for 3 whole hours.

What I didn’t expect was that people who chose this format for meeting….would want to come back two weeks later for another mini retreat. As long as I have room and space, I’ll do this for the significantly smaller fee than the usual rate for solo sessions (3 hours for mini retreats right now = $225).

So why is this way working, I wondered?

I didn’t even think I had enough 3-hour chunks in my schedule to find space, but they keep appearing to open up just right, for example for a condensed version of inquiry on weekends, or evenings when it’s only 5 pm my time, but 10 am for the inquirer in their time zone.

And why is it working for the inquirers who love to take the time and space to work this mini-retreat way?

I see these five reasons why:

1) there is time for the inquirer to express the presenting “problem” which is a person, situation, condition, a feeling they don’t like about their lives….so they feel heard.

2) with a few questions and further investigation, a MORE critical or worrisome or frightening problem often appears. A childhood memory comes forth, a moment with a parent, or a very stressful time in life with change. These come into focus….like we’re detecting the true source of the trouble, the proof or evidence of suffering they’ve carried with them sometimes for years.

3) The inquirer gets to contemplate and meditate on the Judge Your Neighbor questions very deeply (not the way we usually do things on our own, at least I sure didn’t). When these beliefs are identified, then you’ve got your direction. I do the writing for the inquirers, they sit still and give all their attention to simply answering the questions, nothing more required. (If you want to see the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet questions, they’re right here).

4) We inquire into stressful belief(s) using the four questions. We relax and take a short break if needed part way through for just 5 – 10 minutes (or not). We let The Work run the session.

5) The inquirer is left with clear Next Steps. Other situations or scenes to explore and investigate. We’ve taken time to start at the surface, and then look into the fog, clearing out the cloud cover and finding it’s safe to go deeper.

Another way to spend more time slowing down to discover what really disturbs you is to take a small class with others. Meeting once a week for 6 or 8 sessions is such an awesome way to anchor your time in inquiry (and spend less, but also learn from hearing other peoples’ inquiry work).

Whichever way you enter inquiry, I personally think the mind finds it too slow.

Can’t this go faster? Can’t I just get a quick one-sentence answer to life? Can’t someone tell me how to calm down and chill?

Well….maybe that’d be nice….but not really, no.

It just doesn’t work the “fast” way. You don’t really want it super fast, anyway–you want the truth, not some quick answer, right?

Really, the only way I ever found to enter peace was to look into what caused me, personally (it seemed) to move OUT of peace.

I had to tell and question my story, to respect my story, to honor my story for being like a two year old. I had to give it the time it deserved because it was the only one I had.

As I look back at myself doing The Work, and all the incredible inquirers who appear in my life for facilitation….what I see is we all have to start at the very beginning (like Maria in the Sound of Music). We look at the difficult, stressful stories of suffering we’ve been living out, sometimes for our entire lives.

But now, we get to wonder….is it true?

“So in the beginning, to deeply inquire about anything, you have to care about it. You have to care enough to allow it to get inside that shell. What do you really care about? What pulls you into here and now, this minute? What is the most important thing to you? For real inquiry, it is important to be asking about something you sincerely care about. The question needs to be personal, not about a spiritual teaching or something that’s outside of your experience. It needs to be something that’s coming from the inside.” ~ Adyashanti

Are you ready to join a small group or have your own one-to-one solo session(s)? If so, I’d love to work with you. It’s the greatest honor I have in my life….exploring what we truly, honestly care about and finding out what’s actually true, for ourselves.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Relationship Hell To Heaven is a 6 week telecourse starting Weds, May 4th. We meet 9-10:30 am Pacific Time, and all you need to begin is a willingness to clearly notice what your stressful story is about ANY relationship in your life (mom, dad, brother, sister, neighbor, spouse, boss) and dig into the beliefs you have about that person without editing yourself. What an awesome place to do it, in a telegroup. You’ll start to feel less embarrassed about your thoughts, you’ll be inspired by others, you might even feel normal, and free, and discover solutions you haven’t thought of before. Register here. Join me in the Peace Movement.

Posted on

do you think they’re messed up when it comes to love?

couplelove
true love is not here now….is it true?

Since I’m getting ready to teach a six week telecourse on relationships, I’ve taken close notice when clients or friends talk about views they have of relationships lately.

Especially love relationships.

(Although in this teleclass, people wind up choosing any one relationship to look at closely if it’s been bugging you a long time: mom, dad, teenager, co-worker…anyone who disturbs your peace is a great place to start).

The other night, I had an interesting email exchange with an old friend.

He was pining for someone he had a crush on at age 13.

But before you think he’s over-romanticizing the past, or being stuck in teenage love, before you judge him as someone trapped in the limited world view of first-young-love is the best….

….just think a minute about how you, or others you know, sometimes drum up images of former lovers, crushes, the one-that-got-away, those dreamy days when you felt the flame of love, that wild intense unstable romantic fling, that weekend with so-and-so twenty years ago.

Often, we humans like to review our past history of relationships, especially romance, it seems. We love to tell our relationship stories. I dated this person, then that person, then this other person. With person A it was 2 years, person B it lasted 3 months, person C I married then divorced, person D it was a one week fling.

It was like this, then that, and then….

It’s funny then how the mind can rate time with a partner as “fantastic” or “troubled” or “dangerous” or “a mess” or “complicated”.

And the mind can really tell a story of how there’s a relationship out there that’s ideal, in the future or in the past.

My friend was saying his relationship, the teenage one so long ago, was “pure”. Sweet, easy, uncomplicated, innocent, fresh.

Then I noticed a little irritated thought arising in me, as I listened to him.

He should wake up and ask himself if it’s really true that his 13 year old first girlfriend was true love. AS IF. 

Yeah. 

Why is he thinking this way?

He needs to get a life. He’s stuck in some kind of false loop. What an unrealistic way of thinking. It’s sooooo sad.

All kinds of advice began to arise in me, for him.

He’s so blocked, needy, delusional. Ick.

And then….the question popped in from somewhere on the side of this whole list of judgments against my poor old friend, so “off” in his thinking, and my feelings of irritation.

Is it true?

Oh. Hmm. No idea.

I don’t know really what he’s actually thinking when he says he’s dreaming of his teen years. I don’t know what he’s suggesting, or even talking about, or wanting, or remembering exactly. I don’t know what purpose it serves him.

Why do I find it worthy of such inner disgust and criticism, when my friend says he still remembers that 13 year old girl he loved and confesses he thinks of her?

How do I react when I believe he needs to stop going over past relationships and get a life?

I’m grossed out. Dismissive. I’m thinking he’s delusional. And lost.

I move away from him internally. I go on a rant about romantic love, thinking it’s ridiculous what people expect. And impossible, and sad.

I imagine myself to be above all that. 

Oh, dang.

Who would I be without these judgments towards my friend, or anyone who pines for a past lover, or wants to go back to a previous time in life?

I’d just hear someone doing the thing we all do sometimes: live in the past. 

Without the belief that he shouldn’t think the way he does (and this could go for anyone, any time) I’m free to hear him, listen to his words, and not smack his words down (on the inside).

I hear someone using words to express what’s going on for him in that moment, but without the thought he shouldn’t be thinking the way he does, the words are like the wind blowing. I’m reading words on a screen, actually. Nothing else is even happening.

Without the belief that someone should think about love differently than they do, I relax back into my own business, my own presence, the room I’m sitting in.

Turning the thought around: he’s “on” in his thinking–it’s just right for him, it’s just right for me to be taking in through email. I’m the one who’s pining for the past and can’t let go. I’m the one creating stories about love and romance that are just….stories.

How could it be a good thing I had this email conversation with my friend, and hear what he’s saying?

Well, for one thing, I see where I really want to go: I want to enjoy and love whatever’s happening now, including philosophizing about love and memories of the past. I don’t want to wish for anything that’s not happening, now (including my friend writing what he thinks to me). I want to keep on discovering this remarkable experience of being my own best lover.

I want to trust the Universe and Reality have got this….even for the people who are longing, sad, pining and wishing for love to be different than it is.

And then….a turnaround hit me like a ton of bricks, breaking apart my “I-am-above-this” kind of snooty thinking about my friend.
I am sitting here, wishing HE was different, so I was basically doing the very same thing he was. I wasn’t being totally honest either. I didn’t ever say, with kindness….”Do you really want to be with your girlfriend from 8th grade, for real?” and actually listen to what he had to say, rather than assuming the worst.
“As long as you are seeking something from them–whether it’s love, approval, acceptance, or security–or you simply want them to think well of you, there is always fear involved, fear of loss. You are secretly adapting your behavior, changing what you say, hiding what you really feel, being careful, in order to ensure that they keep giving you what you want….Getting honest about what you are seeking is always the key. And this honesty always begins and ends with you.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Oh.
I realize, not speaking up or asking him if I heard him right (instead of judging him instantly) I was maintaining my do-not-rock-the-boat position. I secretly wanted to ditch the conversation….not so honest of me. I was imagining I had it more together than him.
Instead, I could have asked him some questions. He wasn’t even saying he was upset, now that I think about it. Maybe he likes remembering his first love!
Who was delusional? Blocked? Needy? Stuck in some kind of false loop or way of thinking about love?
I guess that was me.
Excuse me, I have an email to respond to. One that’s written with an interest in love, friendship and connection, rather than judgment, teaching, separation and superiority.
No wonder he thought his 13 year old girlfriend was more fun.

Much love, Grace