Is anyone holding you back?

My favorite! The Worst That Could Happen! (Little joke). Listen to Peace Talk Episode 111, a little 7 minute podcast: Click HERE.

Last minute spot for 3 Day Spring Into Freedom Retreat. This coming Friday 9:30 am – 5:30 pm, Saturday 9:30-5:30 (plus optional potluck with the group followed by movie night), Sunday 9:30-4:30 pm. We quite simply do The Work on our stressful situations, together. It’s awesome. 20 CEUs for mental health professionals.

There’s something very special about getting together with people interested in questioning their belief systems.

Stunning, really.

Just a few days ago the monthly private inquiry group met for Sunday afternoon 3-6 pm gathering in Seattle at my house (known as Goldilocks Cottage).

Despite it being Mother’s Day, just about everyone in the group could make it. Some members have children, but everyone there was mother to their own life journey, that’s for sure.

There’s nothing better I love doing to celebrate motherhood than sit to take a look, with The Work, at my internal thought process.

As people read their worksheets aloud, I heard a common theme you might also find familiar.

It’s called: worry about not being connected, being abandoned, being forgotten, being left, rejected…..

…..or the reverse: worry about hurting someone else by walking away, abandoning them, rejecting them, forgetting them.

Either way, hurt is happening.

I started our group off by suggesting we look at the belief in abandonment or parting ways, and the story we attach to it that brings on such suffering.

We wound up spending the entire group investigating this one concept, in its various forms.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

I can’t say “no” or break up or change, shift or leave a relationship because…..the other person will be devastated (or clingy, needy, unhappy, angry).

They can’t say “no” to me or break up, leave, shift, make changes because I will be devastated (or surprised, nervous, depressed, feeling bad).

Bottom Line: People can hurt each other by coming and going. 

Oh boy! Time to do The Work.

Find a place in your life where you really thought you were either, a) hurting someone else because you said Goodbye, or b) they were hurting you by saying Goodbye.

You may have several moments to choose from!

But pick only one.

Picture the leave-er or the left. The “leave-er” is the one doing the leaving, apparently. The “left” is the one holding still, in a manner of speaking, while the other one does the walking.

It doesn’t matter who takes on which role. Do you still notice you believe one person is hurting the other? This belief that “hurt” is happening is going on even when you hear about other people and their relationships. Oh no, so-and-so broke up! OMG, their marriage of 20 years is over! Oh my, he is so awful, she is so mean.

Whew. It’s an old, ancient belief to feel someone is hurting, and very worthy of giving attention to through inquiring deeply.

Now….look at the one who is hurt.

I usually think of this one as the left one, the abandoned one, the one who is rejected (or feels that way), the one who is hearing the Goodbye. The one who is watching the other person walk away.

Pause the “play” button right there.

The person being left is hurt. 

It could be you, it could be the other.

Is it true?

OMG, when I was once “left” I felt immediately worthy-of-being-left. It must mean that, right? I felt abandoned, lost, hopeless, needy, small, shocked, wrecked, shattered.

But was it actually TRUE that I was “left”? Like 100% altogether alone floating through outer space without anyone in sight, or whatever ultimate abandonment might be?

Was God indeed completely absent? Was connection somewhere else, but not there in my presence, as I sat in my living room quietly alone?

Whew. No. I really couldn’t find it to be true. I was sitting in a cute adorable cottage with tons of books (my favorite thing ever) and no place I needed to go.

I noticed, I was not hurt physically in any way. I was doing very well, in fact. Except for my thoughts, I was getting what I often longed for….silence and peace and quiet.

How did I react when I believed it hurt?

Crushed. Unable to sleep well.

Who would I be without this belief that the person being left is hurt?

Huh.

Woah.

Weird. Not sure at first.

Great question, though.

Who would I be without the belief I was hurt (by that person breaking up with me)?

Laughing. Out. Loud.

I mean, the whole thing is funny now. It’s been awhile. I know it wasn’t funny then. So even if you’re in a new transition, and you’ve felt really unhappy by the change….can you find what it would feel like to NOT have the thought that you’re hurt? Or someone else is hurt?

It feels strange, but interesting. Neutral instead of intense. Curious. Interesting. Different pictures come to mind, instead of the dreaded ones, about the future. Wondering what could be next?

Turning the belief around: no one is hurt. 

What?!?

Well, I see how physically no one is hurt at all. This is important to notice. It makes me realize I’m having a heart attack over something frightening that’s got nothing to do with body survival.

What about the turnaround that no one is hurt in any way? Wow.

Even if they’re feeling the emotional pain?

Well….from this moment now, way in the future after a very tough break up….I realize I was set free, not abandoned. I was offered the pathway to something incredible, and different. A freedom to be me, without all that heavy attachment. Without thinking I was so needy, desperate, grabbing.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

You mean, I don’t demand someone stay with me, in order to make me happy? Or that I stay with them, in order to be happy?

Ha-ha.

Right.

That would be hilarious.