Tag: break-ups

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Is anyone holding you back?

sad
question the story of he HURT me

My favorite! The Worst That Could Happen! (Little joke). Listen to Peace Talk Episode 111, a little 7 minute podcast: Click HERE.

Last minute spot for 3 Day Spring Into Freedom Retreat. This coming Friday 9:30 am – 5:30 pm, Saturday 9:30-5:30 (plus optional potluck with the group followed by movie night), Sunday 9:30-4:30 pm. We quite simply do The Work on our stressful situations, together. It’s awesome. 20 CEUs for mental health professionals.

There’s something very special about getting together with people interested in questioning their belief systems.

Stunning, really.

Just a few days ago the monthly private inquiry group met for Sunday afternoon 3-6 pm gathering in Seattle at my house (known as Goldilocks Cottage).

Despite it being Mother’s Day, just about everyone in the group could make it. Some members have children, but everyone there was mother to their own life journey, that’s for sure.

There’s nothing better I love doing to celebrate motherhood than sit to take a look, with The Work, at my internal thought process.

As people read their worksheets aloud, I heard a common theme you might also find familiar.

It’s called: worry about not being connected, being abandoned, being forgotten, being left, rejected…..

…..or the reverse: worry about hurting someone else by walking away, abandoning them, rejecting them, forgetting them.

Either way, hurt is happening.

I started our group off by suggesting we look at the belief in abandonment or parting ways, and the story we attach to it that brings on such suffering.

We wound up spending the entire group investigating this one concept, in its various forms.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

I can’t say “no” or break up or change, shift or leave a relationship because…..the other person will be devastated (or clingy, needy, unhappy, angry).

They can’t say “no” to me or break up, leave, shift, make changes because I will be devastated (or surprised, nervous, depressed, feeling bad).

Bottom Line: People can hurt each other by coming and going. 

Oh boy! Time to do The Work.

Find a place in your life where you really thought you were either, a) hurting someone else because you said Goodbye, or b) they were hurting you by saying Goodbye.

You may have several moments to choose from!

But pick only one.

Picture the leave-er or the left. The “leave-er” is the one doing the leaving, apparently. The “left” is the one holding still, in a manner of speaking, while the other one does the walking.

It doesn’t matter who takes on which role. Do you still notice you believe one person is hurting the other? This belief that “hurt” is happening is going on even when you hear about other people and their relationships. Oh no, so-and-so broke up! OMG, their marriage of 20 years is over! Oh my, he is so awful, she is so mean.

Whew. It’s an old, ancient belief to feel someone is hurting, and very worthy of giving attention to through inquiring deeply.

Now….look at the one who is hurt.

I usually think of this one as the left one, the abandoned one, the one who is rejected (or feels that way), the one who is hearing the Goodbye. The one who is watching the other person walk away.

Pause the “play” button right there.

The person being left is hurt. 

It could be you, it could be the other.

Is it true?

OMG, when I was once “left” I felt immediately worthy-of-being-left. It must mean that, right? I felt abandoned, lost, hopeless, needy, small, shocked, wrecked, shattered.

But was it actually TRUE that I was “left”? Like 100% altogether alone floating through outer space without anyone in sight, or whatever ultimate abandonment might be?

Was God indeed completely absent? Was connection somewhere else, but not there in my presence, as I sat in my living room quietly alone?

Whew. No. I really couldn’t find it to be true. I was sitting in a cute adorable cottage with tons of books (my favorite thing ever) and no place I needed to go.

I noticed, I was not hurt physically in any way. I was doing very well, in fact. Except for my thoughts, I was getting what I often longed for….silence and peace and quiet.

How did I react when I believed it hurt?

Crushed. Unable to sleep well.

Who would I be without this belief that the person being left is hurt?

Huh.

Woah.

Weird. Not sure at first.

Great question, though.

Who would I be without the belief I was hurt (by that person breaking up with me)?

Laughing. Out. Loud.

I mean, the whole thing is funny now. It’s been awhile. I know it wasn’t funny then. So even if you’re in a new transition, and you’ve felt really unhappy by the change….can you find what it would feel like to NOT have the thought that you’re hurt? Or someone else is hurt?

It feels strange, but interesting. Neutral instead of intense. Curious. Interesting. Different pictures come to mind, instead of the dreaded ones, about the future. Wondering what could be next?

Turning the belief around: no one is hurt. 

What?!?

Well, I see how physically no one is hurt at all. This is important to notice. It makes me realize I’m having a heart attack over something frightening that’s got nothing to do with body survival.

What about the turnaround that no one is hurt in any way? Wow.

Even if they’re feeling the emotional pain?

Well….from this moment now, way in the future after a very tough break up….I realize I was set free, not abandoned. I was offered the pathway to something incredible, and different. A freedom to be me, without all that heavy attachment. Without thinking I was so needy, desperate, grabbing.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

You mean, I don’t demand someone stay with me, in order to make me happy? Or that I stay with them, in order to be happy?

Ha-ha.

Right.

That would be hilarious.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I just got word Breitenbush is filling fast! This is the super incredible life-affirming 4 day annual summer retreat where you are out of cell phone range, internet service, you eat gorgeous fresh delicious yummy food, soak in hotsprings, hike in deep old growth forest….and every day with a lively and beautiful bunch of folks you do The Work. June 22-26. We explore wonderful (and stressful) things at Breitenbush. You can relax your body, mind and spirit like no other. Click HERE to read all about it, or to call Breitenbush to reserve your space.

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Feeling Stuck when you need to say “no” to someone?

darkness
bad things can happen if you say “no”….are you sure?

Wow, another meetup! Saturday, November 21st 2-4 pm in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage.

Good time of year to do The Work even more, right?

Also, last chance to join Eating Peace the powerful online program that begins tomorrow to address inner angst and lack of peace when it comes to consuming. Eating Peace is 12 weeks of Tuesday Presentations and Wednesdays in The Work. We always meet from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time (both days). Everything is recorded if you need to miss.

This is the last time I’ll offer Eating Peace at this fee. When you join, you get access to Eating Peace for life, every time I offer it. Yes, you read that correctly.

*******

Yesterday I was talking with a dear friend.

About his need to say “no” to his parents.

He’s a young adult in his mid-twenties, but as I spoke with him, I thought….

….his age probably doesn’t really matter, not really.

His parents were asking him lots of questions about his life, his career, his goals, his intentions, his direction.

But I’ve talked with plenty of older adults who still thought their parents were nosey, or asked too much, or requested too much information.

If it’s not parents, you might still relate to someone in your life peppering you with questions, or inviting you over, or wanting to spend time, or suggesting you see this movie, or buy that good deal, or get a job at their place of employment.

I once had someone in a class I offered come up at every single break and ask me questions.

I started wanting to duck out the back door.

She should leave me alone!

This is what the young man thought about his parents.

We laugh in the movies about this kind of character who doesn’t get the hint and comes over at awkward hours, or calls at the crack of dawn, or barges into our office when the door was shut with a Do Not Disturb hanging in broad daylight.

What is UP with that person?

Can’t they see I’m trying to have some silence, take a break, get some down time?

What is wrong with them that they would have so many questions?

(I love how the mind will decide something is wrong…with them…because they have questions you don’t want to answer).

What if you could hold on to yourself, as couples therapist David Schnarch so famously puts it….

….no matter WHAT that person is doing, saying, asking, or acting like?

One way to get to your truth, is to see why it is you don’t want to tell it.

So….why don’t you want to tell the truth?

The truth that you don’t feel like talking right now, you don’t want to have a conversation until later, you don’t want to go to that movie, your answer is “no”?

I can’t say “no”! They’ll get hurt, disappointed! They’ll call me two-faced, or someone who isn’t clear. They’ll be upset. They’ll say I led them on. They’ll criticize me for changing my mind. They’ll be so disappointed!

A great way to work with this kind of anxious thinking, about what will happen if you simply tell the truth and tell them your answer, is to imagine it really happens.

Ugh.

They ARE hurt.

They ARE mad.

They HATE you.

Is it true?

Are you sure it’s true?

How do you react when you believe you MUST avoid hurting someone’s feelings in any way possible, or disappointing them, or concerning them?

How do you react when you believe you CAN hurt their feelings?

Careful.

So careful, you might not even know how you feel about something anymore, yourself.

So careful you might feel you have no preferences, you’re completely easy-going, and it’s a terrible risk to reveal you disagree or want to say no to someone you love.

Terrified of the results, the rejection.

I used to be like this.

Honestly, I still get surprised by peoples’ requests sometimes. I don’t have an answer right away all the time.

But it used to take me so long, I would feel stuck in a vice of indecision.

All to avoid that terrible “no” which would then “hurt” this other person.

Who would you be without the belief that the person who has asked you for something will be upset if you say “no”?

Who would you be without the belief that if they DO act upset, you were wrong, bad or a horrible person? Or that you’ll be rejected?

Wow.

You mean….not knowing what the outcome would be, just going with my honest answer?

Holy moly.

It’s so much freedom, and as I said, so different from the way I lived in the past, I still find it odd at times.

Not trying to manipulate any outcome…..including the outcome that seems “kind” which is that they are happy, not disappointed, not hurt, and comfortable?

Wow again.

I turn the thought around: I can’t hurt their feelings with my answer. I can hurt my own feelings, by believing I have the power to hurt theirs. They can hurt my feelings with their responses (when I believe they need to like me, or be happy).

The young man I was speaking with reminded me of a poem.

What if freedom is the greatest movement of all, inside yourself, inside others?

Free to be exactly as you are, without dreading what will happen next.

Give it a try.

“…The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone 
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.”
~ David Whyte from his poem Sweet Darkness

Much love, Grace

 

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Who Really Owes You An Apology?

Not long ago, an old flame wrote me a letter.

It came in the mail, the old-fashioned way. A card, and a long separate typed sheet, double-sided, with a lot of reflection on his life and his philosophies.

My first thought was how sweet to hear from him.

At first, a little jolt of adrenaline, a curiosity about what has happened in the years since we were dancing our dance.

And, since the relationship ended kinda funny (as in, he disappeared off the face of the earth involved in some kind of dark pursuit) I was reading along waiting for an apology.

Not exactly pure, open reading.  

Hope reading. Like where you hope you’ll read what you wanna read.

So here I am about to begin again my teleclass on romance and pain and sexuality, questioning stress in lover relationships, and I’m noticing very clearly this little moment….

….watching myself fall right into wishing and waiting to be asked for forgiveness by a former love interest.

Interesting. Very interesting. I love how these things just arrive, for inquiry, without any planning.

My mind had speedy quick, without hardly a beat, gone to the place where I was a victim.

I was WRONGED.

You may notice you have a relationship or two (or five, or forty-three) where you have the lingering thought that you were wronged.

If you do, and it feels like a festering wound that won’t heal….

….then let’s get that belief faced full-on right now.

You may find relief, if you’ve been hurting.

First. Is it actually true that you be done wrong? Really?

YEAH! That was bunk! (Punching the air).

OK, got it. You’re really pissed.

How do you react when you believe that person messed you up, hurt you, abandoned you, shorted you, conned you, fooled you?

I feel *horrible*.

I’m mean to other possible partners, actually. Or afraid. I choose and move based on avoiding repeat pain. I lick my wounds. I don’t step out.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless.” ~ Byron Katie

So who would I be without my belief that I was wronged?

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard, or brutal, or that it could be repeated, or that you deserved it.

Only who you would be without the belief you were the victim? That you are owed an apology?

Huh. Wow.

Really?

Well, I’d be lighter. I’d be moved on to other things. I’d be remembering and reflecting and allowing that situation to heal, and be as it is.

I’d notice I’m happy now, and how much I learned and grew through that process. Like, a ton.

Without the belief that I’ve been wronged, I’d be free right here, right now.

“Love until your voice trembles, and your heart pounds, and your legs shake, and your philosophies crumble to dust, and your cleverness bows its head in shame and in reverence. And you will be taken to the darkest places, and your heart will be set on fire by the ones to whom you were never able to open your heart, and you will be reminded of what you have always, secretly, known: In time, you will forget everything, except how to die, and how to love.” ~ Jeff Foster

I turn the thought around: I have not been wronged by anyone, I wronged myself (by not speaking up, by being dishonest, by clinging), I wronged others in the same way I thought they wronged me.

I do not need any apology, except for myself, from myself.

The letter had no apology written in it, but I knew what to do now.

I whispered to myself.

I am sooooo sorry honey. 

I didn’t listen to you, I was confused, I forgot wholeness without chasing after other people, I didn’t listen to you, I didn’t think you were good enough. You are incredible. You never leave, no matter what I do or say, or forget. Thank you, I love you.

Now that’s the best apology ever.

If you’re up for joining an 8 week teleclass on looking for love in all the wrong places and the adventure of contact with others, then join us for Romance, Passion and Healing….

…..We’re looking at LOVE when it comes to lovers, mates, spouses, ex’s, strangers, or partners of any kind and how to end the suffering we’ve experienced in their name.

Click here to read more, or register for the class.

Much love,

Grace