Category: Relationships

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I Shouldn’t Have Known Better

Most people have felt at some point in their lives that they have been accused of something they didn’t do. At least not 100%, not intentionally, not with meanness or calculation in their hearts.

You might have rear-ended someone once, or dropped something precious that belonged to someone else, or told a secret you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to tell, or done something that caused someone great fear or rage.

Once I was driving on the freeway with windows rolled down and music playing and it finally occurred to me someone in the lane next to me was honking. When I looked over at her, she flipped me the finger.

I will never know exactly what I did, but whatever it was, she was furious.

It stung in my heart, even though it was a stranger.

I remember another moment when I waited in a very crowded parking lot with my newborn baby in his car seat for a space near the entrance, since my back hurt and I had no stroller. I circled the lot.

Finally someone pulled out and I turned on my blinker, waited, and took the empty parking place left behind. Ten minutes later inside the store a man with fury in his eyes approached me and said “THAT was VERY discourteous of you!!”

Did he have the right person? Who was he? My face got red and flustered. I saw he was indeed looking straight at me and shaking with anger. I asked “What was?”

“YOU TOOK MY PARKING PLACE!”

Hilarious, really.

But at that time, I, too, was then shaking with the man….and I wanted to cry.

If someone is extremely angry with me, I could still have the initial gut-wrenching fearful reaction. But THANK GOD now I have The Work.

  • I’ve done something unforgivable
  • Things will never be the same
  • I deserve to be punished
  • I am worthy of being hated, left, scorned
  • I should get out of here

Is it true that you are a piece of dirt, worthy of punishment, a bad person, a thoughtless person? Should you have known better?

No, I can’t know that this is true. Really think about it. Can you know if it’s absolutely true beyond a shadow of a doubt? Given everything you knew right at that exact moment?

Are you sure you could have known better? Are you the ruler of the universe?

Many people will say “YES YES YES! I did know better! I could have paid closer attention! I was doubtful! I had lots of information! I am smart than that! I should have done it differently!”

You see how you are when you believe these thoughts: There is no way out, no way to freedom, no gentleness, no love, no peace….only regret and a sick feeling in your gut.

But who would you be WITHOUT the thoughts that you should have done it differently? Without the thought that you did something wrong, or that you shouldn’t have caused someone pain?

Free. Curious. Excited. Ready to listen. Compassionate towards that other hurting human. Trusting. Willing to relax in the face of all this. Willing to have a DON’T KNOW mind…not jumping to the conclusion that you yourself are a piece of junk.

“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise. The Master has no possessions. The more he does for others, the happier he is. The more he gives to others, the wealthier he is. The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.”~Tao Te Ching #81

When someone is impacted by you and your words, your actions, your behavior, your life and they appear MAD or SAD…instead of imploding into yourself and believing you are BAD BAD BAD…nourish yourself, give love. Take a deep breath. Time out.

No forcing necessary, no need to dominate your negative thoughts, no need to do anything.

The opposite of what you were thinking, the turn-arounds to everything, are all as true as your terribly painful stressful thoughts:

  • I’ve done something important, something forgivable
  • It’s wonderful that things are changing and no longer the same
  • I deserve to live, to be accepted, loved, happy
  • I am worthy of being loved, connected to, set free
  • I should stay

Love, Grace

NEW! 2013 January Teleclasses! As always, please write if you need financial assistance. Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 4, 2013, 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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Live As You Know Yourself To Be

This year starting last fall, I have been studying with a very small group and a kind, loving leader, Stephan Bodian (author of Wake Up Now).

He sent out a short email to those of us in his school recently and signed it “Live As You Know Yourself To Be”.

The real, genuine, authentic, alive YOU.

I found the idea so sweet and comforting, all in the instant of reading it.

It reminded me that sometimes we live as we know ourselves NOT to be: telling a painful story, worried, living in scarcity, nervous that the sky is falling, upset with someone we know who did something uncomfortable for us, pushing against things that happen, pulling against other things that don’t happen.

Not that any of these things are wrong. Something occurs that sets us off into being afraid and we react. We get images filling our minds of fearful possibilities, or something that happened in the past repeating itself.

So how do I know myself to BE? What is this me that is here, that I’m aware of?

I know, I know…we can’t get a straight answer. There’s a lot of mystery in the “me”.

There are all the ways we might describe ourselves to others….I am a woman almost age 52, with two teenagers, recently married to a fabulous husband, and I live in Seattle, used to be bulimic and smoked, teach The Work of Byron Katie, meditator. Blah blah blah.

This is not who I know myself to be, though. All those things are changeable, dynamic, shifting. None of that will stay the same. It’s just a description of a body or demographic.

Who I know myself to be? What is the answer when I ask “who am I?”

REALLY, who are you?

Gawd, the question can be soooooo annoying!

At least it used to annoy me. Until I realized it’s always hanging in the background, so might as well get used to it. Even if there doesn’t seem to be a clear answer.

If I live the way I know myself to be, then I land on what I do know that brings me freedom, that is not stressful.

What I am is alive, loving, thrilled, joyful, empty, mysterious, a temporary body, energy, openness, happy, an entity of some kind with different emotions and expressions.

If you aren’t sure you like what you are, who you are, and how you are, then doing The Work is amazing as a way to inquire.

I love one exercise that I’ll share with you today that I often like to include in some of my teleclasses or workshops. It is from Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?”

Step One. Make a list of what you think you don’t want a particular person (your wife, your mother, your children) or even all of humanity, to know about you.

Step Two. Turn it all around. Read you list again but begin it with “What I DO want you to know about me is…” (You don’t have to tell it out loud to anyone). Experience this internally, for yourself. Discover if any of it is as true as or truer than your original list. If possible, read your list to someone out loud, without defense or justification.

Everyone always says to be yourself, but it takes much inquiry sometimes and great courage to even find out what you are.

“There are two ways of being me: One is to hate it and one is to love it. Which will it be (since I don’t have a choice but to be me?) Okay, I’ll be me, and question my thoughts about ME until I see me as perfect in every way, even sweeter than perfect. Someone has got to be happy in this world. Good that it’s me. I definitely volunteer.”~Byron Katie

If you’d like to join other courageous and thoughtful people, who always appear to do The Work, then look over the list below of the new teleclasses starting in January and JOIN us.

You’ll be learning to slow down and question your experiences and your relationships in your life…with money, food, your body, an important person, sexuality.

We’re all in this together, and doing The Work in a small group is a beautiful way to learn to love who you are, without shame, embarrassment, angst, or hiding.

I received this note today from a participant who took the Money, Work and Business course last year (the class is called Earning Money: Is There A Problem?):

Dear Grace,
Thank you.
A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses.
I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.
At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course.

That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).

I am still working with my issues around money however in terms of my business…
… it doubled within a year of taking the course.

Working with you was a major consciousness shift.
It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels.
Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes.
–Class participant from Kenya

Love,
Grace

NEW! 2013 January Teleclasses! As always, please write if you need financial assistance. Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

**Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 4, 2013, 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

**Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

**Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

**Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go towww.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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That Mean Nasty Person Cut Me Off

*To share, leave a comment, ask questions, receive an answer, connect with others, or subscribe to these Grace Notes, please click  HERE or go to www.workwithgrace.com. Your comments, thank yous, and questions are fabulous! Also, feel free to forward to anyone, anytime.*

A most sweet client recently came to me with concern for the way someone really close to her had cut her off.

Oh boy…one of my favorite repetitive beliefs. I could relate! I may have mentioned this once or twice before. But there was an interesting new little piece of the puzzle that I noticed more clearly.

The belief that SINCE that person was CAPABLE of distancing, getting mad, cutting me off, going silent, running away, ending the relationship, banishing me…..IT MEANS THAT:

  • he is mean and nasty
  • they are stupid, immature, vindictive, wrong, ill, crazy, harsh, hard
  • he is not loving
  • she is a terrible person
  • she is too much of a scaredy cat
  • she must not have really loved me
  • I can’t forgive that person
  • good riddance!

Oopsy Daisy. Unfortunately, this kind of attack-mode can use up a lot of energy mentally and emotionally.

And no one likes being mad at someone else. Just about EVERYONE, if given a choice between hating someone and feeling love and forgiveness towards them will always choose love and forgiveness.

People really are amazing at the core.

So as we looked at the whole set up together, this honest woman and I, she could find how even though the person in question no longer has cut her off (always good to notice) she thinks of how he was capable of it before. How all that time passed without contact.

And she feels sad, and angry, and maybe other feelings as well. Not exactly happy, relaxed, gentle feelings. Not stress-free.

When we get hurt, sometimes it stings for awhile. Sometimes it stings for YEARS. That’s the way of the mind when we don’t investigate the situation.

Is it really, actually 100% true that the person who cut you off is unloving? Are they really too harsh? Given who they are, and what their whole life experience has been….can you know it’s true that they should be different?

Are you sure it would be better if they stuck around?

What if this is like “It’s A Wonderful Life” only in reverse? The thing that is wanted is for the person to be close, connected, around, present. But what happened in reality is the person is distant, absent, gone, bye-bye.

Maybe the way the movie would play out, if the person STAYED, is NOT SO GOOD. Maybe all kinds of totally and completely unforeseen things would play out, if they were present.

Maybe they needed to be gone, for that period of time. Maybe that was just what the doctor ordered, for you. Your path. Your freedom.

How is it OK that this person acted like that? How was it actually, dare I say it, LOVING that they exited out, cut you off, said *NO CONTACT* in that tone of voice?

When my former husband moved out….I started doing The Work as if my life depended on it.

It did.

Because being able to feel trust, acceptance and love was what I wanted most. What all of us want most.

When he left, I could ask myself how this might be a friendly situation? How could this bring me new possibilities? What if this is my ticket to God? What if THIS was my path to peace?

Would I take it away?

Sometimes you don’t know right away what the positive is. Sometimes you don’t know why that person is gone, how that could be good for you.

Or why that job is gone, the money is gone, the time has run out, your health is not good, the day is over, or the birds flew away.

But you don’t have to know.

Examples of how it is true that it is a good thing that the person left when they did (and maybe returned again later) will come to you, if you’re open to it.

“Every single human being is trying his best. We’re all doing the best we can. But when we believe what we think, we have to live out those thoughts. When there’s chaos in our heads, there’s chaos in our lives. when there’s hurt in our thinking, there’s hurt in our lives. Love thy neighbor as thyself? I always have. When I hated me, I hated you. That’s how it works. If I hate someone, I’m mistaking them for me, and solutions remain hidden.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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People Should Lie

letters yesterday from readers saying they’d like help with their thoughts about someone else lying.

Arrggh! Yes! Those lying, cheating, deceptive people!!!

OK, so after the tantrum…(you can hit a few pillows, it sometimes helps)…write down what you think it means when someone lies.

They have either withheld important information, or acted in a way that was different than you expected, or kept a secret from you, or tricked you into taking some kind of action you felt uncomfortable about…or actually said “I did not take your cookie” when there are crumbs on their lips that look exactly like your cookie.

What does this actually mean about this whole situation, that they did this LYING?

Get really close to it…what does it mean for YOU that they did this lying?

Your mind is already busy telling you what it means about THEM when they lie. You have a whole list of unpleasant traits to describe them. Conniving, selfish, thoughtless, immature, hateful, sad, mentally ill, cruel.

But what does this really mean for you, that this has occurred? What is dangerous about it? Or aggravating?

If someone else lies, then I could be hurt. I could lose something important. I could be a victim. They don’t care about me. I could have a terrible life. 

I have found that the greatest stress occurs when I’m afraid. And to understand it, I have to first understand what it is I am actually afraid of, really, really, really.

Because when you think about it, the person two blocks away who is in the middle of lying right now, who you don’t even know….or the ten year old who is hiding something she took under her bed….you aren’t really upset about THOSE people lying.

No, but THIS person lying. That is REALLY UPSETTING.

I once had the thought “he shouldn’t have lied”. I was embarrassed, I felt like crying, then I felt furious, then like crying again.

When I really thought through all the pieces that were most painful, I found that the thing I feared was that I was not worth telling the truth to. Them lying meant that I was too hard, difficult, irritating, spacey, gullible, stupid, or needy.

That really hurts. And it wasn’t really that other person that created my thoughts of self-hate and self-doubt. I just started believing them. I started believing instantly that I was a victim, that I was robbed, that I was diminished.

Who would you be without the thought that that person shouldn’t have lied?

I would suddenly notice how much space was around me, how free I was, how I was standing there alone with an entire universe ready to explore.

When someone stole money from me, I discovered that I had no need for that money, and it was incredible! Another time when I got “tricked” by a stranger who pretended to be out of gas on the side of the road, I had such appreciation for learning a lesson like that in a very easy way (it only cost me $20 for that lesson).

Another time when someone lied, I discovered total and absolute appreciation for their timing, and for the sweetness of me having no idea of the truth (until I did).

When I question my thinking, I begin to see not only what it is like to be without the thought “they shouldn’t lie” but also the advantages of them lying at just the exact time, in just the way that they did, for me.

Can you really know that when someone lies, it means that you were mistaken, gullible, ignorant, needy, stupid, or that something is wrong with you?

“The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. Hold on to the center.” ~ Tao Te Ching #5

I notice when I question my thoughts of anger and rage and those mean, nasty, lying, sneaky people…I get to let go of running the universe. I trust.

I thought them lying took away my feeling of trust….but it didn’t take it away at all. It made it bigger. Because they lied, I get to see what’s really true.

Those people SHOULD lie. Because first of all, they did. That is reality. They were scared, they were confused, they didn’t know how to do it differently.

Maybe YOU were a little scary to tell the truth to, eh?

And look at all the amazing learning that comes from them lying. I learned that I did not need them.

You also should have lied in the past, too, if you did.

My lies brought me the most incredible lessons. I became aware of how much I preferred not to lie, and how freaked out and confused I got at the time. They showed me how afraid I was of hurting other peoples’ feelings or hurting my own feelings. They helped me know even more that truth is like heaven, and I only have to worry about my own.

“To be honest is to live closer to your true nature. The way I know that it is, is that when you’re not living it, it hurts. That hurt is an opportunity to notice what stressful thought you’re believing in the moment, to question it and turn it around. That’s what all pain is about. Sanity doesn’t suffer—ever.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach

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I Am Alone In The Big Ocean Universe

Have you ever had one of those open unscheduled days where you have some open time? You are excited for all the little household tasks, errands, projects, organizing, managing, resting and perhaps even a little entertainment or reading you might want to take time for?

Sometimes these days are called The Weekend. Or if not the whole weekend… Saturday.

The way my life has gone over the past several years is that the weekend is similar in many ways to every other day of the week. I work with clients quite often, I teach classes, I go to the gym, I catch up on email, I update my website, I do laundry.

Not long ago, I had a Saturday all free. No clients. No all-day workshop. Prep for the next all-day intensive was complete and registration full already.

Bonanza! About 5 free hours to do so many things calling to be DONE in the little recesses of my mental internal to-do list.

Wow, so many things…where do I even begin? What’s the priority?

Except something strange happened.

Soon after I awakened and completed my usual morning routine of green smoothie, little cup of French press organic coffee, meditation….I started feeling anxious.

An old feeling entered. It seemed there were no thoughts. Low-level worry. On a deeply grand scale.

Ahhhh, the Deeply Grand Scale. Like it’s way down deep in here in the psyche, not usually tapped into or addressed. Somewhere in a dark place, A hole.

It feels like something jogs loose where I become aware of my smallness. My limited nature. My finite period on this planet in this body. That I will die, that none of this really matters in many ways, that I am alone in my own unique weird journey, but not even really unique.

These are the core underlying beliefs getting triggered. Maybe for me, it was seeing the movie The Life of Pi where the main character lived through a horrendous experience but told the story differently than “the truth”.

Maybe it was listening on recording to one of my favorite teachers of This Spirit Journey and hearing him say that in the end, we are all alone on it.

My little secret scary underlying beliefs come forth when I think about being ALONE.

Being alone, I think (some part of me thinks) is Not Good.

I don’t wanna be in a shipwreck by myself for 3 months at sea! I don’t wanna say goodbye to my children (too late, they’re growing up)! I don’t wanna be disconnected from my partner, or my mom or dad! I don’t wanna wonder where the heck Whatever-Mystery-God is! I don’t wanna say goodbye to absolutely everything I’ve ever been attached to! I don’t wanna climb the ladder all by myself!

Empty space. Empty open life. Mysterious open ocean. Mystery. Unknown. Not knowing.

So what’s the problem??

THAT is where the most interesting investigation begins. I know something inside me believes there is a problem, because I feel the Problem Energy. So let’s look!

What’s wrong with being alone? With people coming and going? With life ending and beginning? What’s wrong with missing someone? Or longing for someone to be here now who I once knew, or perhaps who I don’t even know yet? What’s wrong with seeing beautiful art, and having only ME to turn to, to say “wow, do you see this?!”

When I really ask myself what the problem is with this Alone, Empty, Missing or Nothingness Situation…I can’t put my finger on it.

My mind says that not being able to put my finger on it is a problem! It’s just unknown uncomfortable unpleasant soup. Scary! Not just scary…terrifying!

So scary in the past that I wanted to put something in my mouth to shove the fear back down.

But is it actually really true that the wide open infinite unlimited expanses of reality and space and the ocean are SCARY?

YES! YES! IT’S TRUE! It’s weird! It’s unexplainable! I HATE not knowing! Too big! Too mysterious!

But can you absolutely KNOW without any doubt whatsoever from your greatest expansive broad wide self that you are afraid? That the Mystery is frightening, and that you are indeed ALONE?

No. I really cannot absolutely know that. At all.

This is fear that I’m feeling, is that true? Could it be readiness? Anticipation? Willingness? About-To-Jump-Off-The-Diving-Board Gusto? Surrender? I-Can-Die Now-If-That’s-The-Plan Openness?

Is Fear really scary? Am I sure I can’t handle the wide open magnificent omnipotent unimaginable power of the ocean? Am I sure I can’t handle death?

I mean. I don’t even know what it is, remember? I don’t even know what I’m afraid of, right? Oh tricky mind.

“Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.”~ Tao Te Ching #42

This does not mean oh bad you for hating an experience of solitude. What is wrong with being ordinary? Nothing.

It is through recognizing this pain and fear of solitude that I look again, and go beyond ordinary.

As Byron Katie says, you either believe your thoughts, or you question them, there’s no other choice.

That day I remembered, through looking and investigating, that having wide open hours ahead and a long to-do list and big ideas and awareness of limits may not only be just fine (and not scary) but it also doesn’t seem to be 100% true.

Being alone might not be scary, in this vast universe….and being along might not be true.

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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I’ve Done Enough Work On Her Already!

When people start becoming interested in questioning their thinking they often come to see me, or enroll in a teleclass, and say “I don’t really know what I’m thinking but I feel bad” or “I have so many judgmental thoughts, I don’t know where to begin!”

“I could do The Work for hours, I have so many thoughts…..I’ll need to do The Work DAILY…for 100 years!”

“I feel terrible, I experience stress all the time, I can hardly get relief!”

Have you ever noticed, though, how if you hit a core, underlying way of seeing someone in your world who looks troubling, and you shift some small part of it, bring some light to it, connect with another person about it, understand it differently…then other people in your world also start looking better?

Who has brought enormous judgments up in your life? Who has represented a source of stress, anxiety, anger, or fear? If they had only been different….you wouldn’t have had such a hard time. You would be in a different place now.

That person is the one to do The Work on.

Some people will exclaim “BUT! I’ve done so much therapy work on my father! My mother! My sibling! My spouse!” They don’t want to go there again, or focus even more on these key people in their lives.

Byron Katie oftens says that The Work is not therapy. It is a modality of self-inquiry, a simple but profound process of looking at how YOU are actually looking at people.

Those difficult people may have done very harmful things, said very painful things, acted in ways that were extremely damaging, it appears. Everyone may agree with you when they hear your story of how these people behaved and how hard it was.

It is often incredibly powerful to share your perspective, to see what this story is that you are telling to others, and to yourself.

But the most powerful thing is to actually feel an internal change about how YOU experience that person. Without them changing at all.

Can I be happy with them, as they are, without condemning them or defending against them? Can I stop with the internal war?

Can I remember that person, can I be in their presence, can I allow them to be the way they are, doing what they do, and stay connected to my own happiness and joy?

For me, that is the true sign that all is well with me. I see that person, place, situation, memory, event….and I discover that it is still a friendly universe, with them in it. I feel love, I feel surrender, trust, openness, peace.

Doing The Work cuts through the details to the very core underlying beliefs I have about THAT DIFFICULT PERSON and moves me into a broader, more expanded vision of what I see, how I see.

Then the rest of the world starts looking better, amazingly. The rest of the world starts looking like it does when you fall in love and every moment is exciting, full of wonder, anticipation, and joy.

Only you aren’t believing this feeling comes from outside of you, from another human being. It’s coming from inside of you and the way you see.

When I go all the way back to the most troubling person (or people) in my world, and I question what I’m thinking about them, what I believe I learned from them, how I think they affected me and hurt me….

The most amazing thing happens. Freedom.

If we felt good already, if we felt happy, joyful, awake and free…we wouldn’t be drawn to do The Work in the first place.

Who in your life, when you think of them, brings up sadness in you, or anger, or nervousness, worry, disappointment?

Go there. Look again. Write down your judgments of that person. Keep them simple. Be thorough. Be petty, mean, obnoxious. Do not edit yourself. Be non-politically correct, rude, controlling, bitchy, needy, desperate, embarrassing.

These thoughts can now be the gold of your awakening. Really.

Don’t sigh and think “I already did this, I already have looked…” It is OK to look again since the judgments still exist. Since they are there, they are waiting and available to be seen, with new eyes.

This may be the last time you ever see this way again, if you dive into self-inquiry in a truly honest way by answering the Four Questions. Milk it for all its worth.

“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions…Until you can love what is—everything, including the apparent violence and craziness—you’re separate from the world, and you’ll see it as dangerous and frightening. I invite everyone to put these fearful thoughts on paper, question them, and set themselves free.”~Byron Katie

If you’d like help with this process and to start from right where you are…there is one space left in the Seattle One Day workshop next Saturday. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re the one. If your only reason not to come is financial, please ask about scholarship help.

So Good To See The Value of The Work
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your class.  It was so good to learn Inquiry on a deeper level and to see the value, first hand, of doing The Work with others (as opposed to doing it solo.)  Thank  you so much for making it possible for me and for being such a clear, living example of “being the Work”.~ Becky, Class participant

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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You Made Me Feel This Way

He is making me so furious! She is making me feel so disappointed! Soooo frustrated!

Must get away from that person! If only they would change! How could they possibly….I mean…. fer gawd sakes what are they thinking!?! DANG IT!

How many times in your life have you had this kind of feeling course through your veins? Or been saying these kinds of words out loud!

You may even KNOW that you are shooting thoughts at that person like bombs, and you know you can’t do anything about their behavior…and yet still the gut reaction is THEY SHOULD BE DIFFERENT.

Then, I would be happier. And by the way, it would be easier if THEY changed. Because…I have no idea how to stop reacting.

Yup. THEY are MAKING me CRAZY.

As humans throughout history have studied psychology, spirituality and relationships …all angles of examining humanity and our behaviors and experiences… there is a common set of ideas all the greatest writers and philosophers seem to grapple with:

If I am here with you, how am I actually influenced by you? What does my family, my childhood, my city, my country, my environment have to do with this thing that is ME?

Then where do you stop and I begin and how do I operate, separately from your responses?

This is like the whole soup of it all, the organism, the hive, how we interact, how we are affected by others.

Who are you, and who am I, and what is going on here when we communicate?

This is a big humongous question.

Dependency or Independency. How are we dependent on each other? What do we rely on from others? How do I get what I need and want here?

If someone else threatens my happiness (or appears to) or seems to not be giving me what I believe I need and want…then what do I say, think, or feel?

Unfortunately, all the reacting, physically and emotionally, can start to feel incredibly dependent…almost out-of-control dependent. Like someone can do something any minute that is my particular trigger and I’ll have a heart attack about it. No steady peace.

For example, once I was on a date quite a few years ago, after divorce.

We went to a very exquisite and fancy restaurant with an amazing view. The man I was with received a phone call mid-meal and left to take it outside.

I waited and looked around at the place. After twenty minutes, I did The Work. Did he leave? What’s going on? I have to know. I am trapped. There’s nothing else I can do. I stood up to go and a waiter stopped me and I realized the establishment felt worried about our table being completely abandoned with no bill paid.

I returned to the table. I knew I was not trapped, I knew this moment could be exciting! I had just questioned my stressful thinking in this “waiting” moment.

A great writer and therapist for couples in the past several decades (his books were introduced to me in graduate school) David Schnarch talks about the most fun, exciting and healthy dynamics between humans is the road to differentiation.

Carl Jung talks about something very similar and calls it “individuation”.

As you become more individual and unique, you discover your own path in life, you don’t lose yourself. In Schnarch’s words, you “hold on to yourself” in the middle of any relationship.

Independence….the sense that I love following my own authority, me knowing what I want and need and then going to get it, being self-reliant, being OK where I am and psyched that I’m continuing along an expansive path somehow.

Then Boom. Something BAD is happening around here. It looks chaotic, or scary, or weird, or like I’m being abandoned, or like I’m sitting in a restaurant all alone WAITING. And it’s someone else’s fault.

I suddenly realized…although I had been watching them for almost 30 minutes, that there was a large table of 8 people right near me, with two empty chairs because two people had left temporarily. (I had lots of time to hear their conversations so I knew the two people were returning at some point).

Uncharacteristically, I got up and went over to their table and said “May I join you?”

The whole table was delighted and welcomed me in. They were the family of the restaurant owners. The two people away from the table were getting a tour of the grounds. This restaurant had been here for 100 years.

It was so much fun, I hardly noticed when my date returned from his one-hour business phone call. In fact, I didn’t want him to come back yet.

No one “made” me feel bad in that waiting moment….except me. Until I questioned my thinking and it opened up a world of options that I couldn’t see before.

WOW. If we don’t think that someone’s behavior, or any situation, is MAKING us feel bad and there’s no way out….

What else could be possible?

If you really, really are not stuck….if you really are not 100% trapped….what could happen today?

Love, Grace

P.S. Only ONE spot left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

 

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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No More Leaving

Have you ever wondered why you like someone?

There are often qualities we are conditioned to understand, enjoy, “get”, or relate to easily and well. When someone comes along with just the right amount of the formula that we can relate to, we like them. It may even feel so familiar, like you’ve come home, that you think “OMG! You’re the one I’ve been waiting for! This is FANTASTIC!”

And it’s REALLY REALLY fascinating and wonderful to ask yourself; why? Why this person? Why now? Why am I so drawn? Why do I like them sooooooo much?

What is going on here?

Anthony De Mello writes in his sweet book Awareness “If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment.”

I remember realizing that with some people, the actual reason I liked them, as Tony De Mello also discovered, is that they do the behavior or say the words that show they are enjoying themselves in my company, they are feeling good, I am feeling good. We are appreciating each other.

I like them because they like me. They like me because I like them. It’s like we recognize each other as people who can give and receive appreciation, love, approval, praise in a way that is comfortable, familiar.

It’s like there’s a measurement device faster than the speed of thought that is a very sensitive sensor, looking at all these energies or personality traits and behaviors. All of it getting measured against the comfort zone. My comfort zone.

It’s like getting into a mode where we’re tasting the personalities of porridge, like Goldilocks, and we know immediately when it’s JUST RIGHT.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the beauty of connecting, making intimate contact with someone (or many), being real, honest, joyful….being around someone who inspires you!

But this attachment sensor is powerful. It’s even become a theory in the psychological field, that people are driven by their conditioning around attachment and connection.

So what happens when you really like someone, you’ve had a wonderful feeling with them, deep intimate connection….and then they drift away, or tell you it’s not working for them? They say NO. They’re too busy, they don’t have the time, their life circumstance changed and they aren’t available anymore. They don’t return your calls.

Rats.

You may get to find out what you’ve been attached to.

They don’t like me after all, I did something wrong, I offended them. What did I say, do or think that distressed them? I have to figure it out. I am not important, I am not lovable, I am not worth it to them, I am dismiss-able, I am worthy of being ignored. This is terrible, this is a problem. Agony, worry, fear, hand-wringing, busy mind.

The scale of this pain can be at a level of 100, like when your life partner of 20 years leaves….or it can be a 10 like when a co-worker you used to have a coffee break with every day says they don’t have time for that anymore.

“The truth is everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be OK.”~ Michael Singer

I start with the most simple of core stressful thoughts in this situation, where I am here with myself, and that person I have so enjoyed seems to be gone.

I need to talk with them, I need to be with them NOW….Is that true? Am I OK right here in this moment, without their presence? Can I connect with others, if I want to talk or listen?

This one human being out of billions on the planet is the ONLY ONE that will resolve this feeling of detachment. Like a baby whose mother dies. Only that human being, that baby’s mother returning, will bring genuine happiness back.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE?

Could it be that if someone is gone, if they break up with me, if they move away, perhaps even if they die, that I can still be happy? Could I get what I need and want from someone else?

“How do we love ourselves? One way is by not seeking approval outside ourselves–that’s my experience. By not seeking approval outside myself, I come to see that I already have it. I don’t want approval; I want people to think the way they think. If I seek your approval, it’s not comfortable.”~Byron Katie

I notice that when I question my thoughts about that person and their level of contact with me (or lack of it) that I have no idea really what it means. I can’t know at all it means they don’t like me, care about me, or that I am worthy of being left.

And there are so so many other human beings in the universe…and more places in this world than anyone could ever explore. So many possibilities!

There is intimacy right here in this moment. Appreciation for this present moment.

I once saw a motivational speaker called Bob Proctor on film talking about how much he enjoyed his own company. He was so enthusiastic. So full of playful happiness! He exclaimed “I just LOVE myself! I am so much fun to be around!” and then he kissed his own hand with such childlike joy, it made me laugh out loud.

That is what it is like without the thought that I need that person to come back, to say they like me, to say I didn’t do anything wrong, to comfort me, to call me.

Without the thoughts that anyone should be nearer than they are, without feeling attached or detached or concerned or anxious or fearful…I appreciate myself. I find what is lovely, precious and comforting, right here, right now.

At some point

Your relationship With God

Will become like this:

Next time you meet Him in the forest

Or on a crowded street

There won’t be anymore “Leaving”.

That is,

God will climb into Your pocket.

You will simply just take
Yourself

Along!

~Hafiz

You are beautiful.

Love, Grace

P.S. Only a few spots left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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When You Can’t Stand Losing

Winning and Losing. People get soooo excited about these things. You may have noticed.

They scream and yell, paint their faces, don unusual clothing, carry weapons, train their bodies for hours, weeks, and years, lie, hide, cheat, defend, gather, get, hoard, sell, buy, strut, disappear….all in the effort to meet their future goal: winning or losing.

It seems like people usually like to “win”. But the very definition of the word, and its origin in English, means to toil, struggle, strive or fight. To succeed by struggling. There has to be a contest! There has to be some kind of opponent!

Otherwise….yawn.

Then there is losing. No one wants to be the loser on first glance.

Given a second look, sometimes there are big advantages. In the dictionary, lose means to perish or separate, cut apart, divide, untie, to part with accidentally or without meaning or trying to.

When we say we lost or we won something, the feeling that follows is really the thing that indicates what we believe about this loss or win.

Yay! I won! Boo! I lost!

When I began to do The Work, one wonderful thing I realized that the feelings I had about everything were such excellent clues, pointing to where I believed something was “good” or “bad”.

Today I lost my cell phone. BOOOOOO!

As I looked in all the usual places I started banging around the house. I KNOW IT’S HERE. How can it have disappeared? It was just in my hand 15 minutes ago! For cryin’ out loud!!

Hmmm, do we have a little frustration entering the scene?

The first utterance about Truth
Is the first step
Down the path of deceit.
~ Ram Tzu in No Way

Here is something misplaced, an object that seems like it is usually HERE, and now it’s NOT. So simple, so non-emergency, really not that important…and yet a little fire has come into the picture.

Even on this small scale, the thought is still present “the thing I am thinking about should be here, it is not, and I don’t like it.”

True? YES! What do you mean “is it true?!” Of course it is true!

That is exactly how I was behaving. Within maybe 10 seconds of not seeing the phone anywhere, in any of the usual places.

It is true and it sucks. It is true and this is NOT good. This is NOT convenient. This is NOT smooth. This is NOT peaceful. I demand the phone show up immediately!!

Full Stop. Um. Could this be a little stressy moment?

I notice today that I never find the phone (yet). But with self-inquiry…the reaction dissolves itself practically moments after it was arising. OK OK, an HOUR after it was arising!

Do I actually need the phone? Do I need to find those photos? Can I live without that file, those papers, my wallet, that dish, my water bottle, that earring?

How about not just living without it…but living joyfully without it. Everything still convenient, smooth, good, peaceful. What if this is funny…because something seems funny about all this now.

What could be the good news about losing my phone?

Today, I had two full hours in between clients where instead of making any return calls or texting or listening to messages or checking emails….I had a huge personal planning session for my upcoming year.

I went to a little cafe with my laptop that I haven’t been to in ages, to sit. Without a phone.

I took final notes on a new teleclass I’m ALMOST about to offer (I know some of you have been waiting) on Pain, Sickness and Death. I wrote for 30 minutes on my book I’m writing on recovering from an eating disorder. I wrote down six unfinished things that I know will be possible and fun to complete this week.

I find that each time I see the goodness, the advantage, and the peace in things going the way they do…I notice I’m….happy. Kind of simple.

Who am I without the thought that I need to feel a certain way about losing ANYTHING?

Without losing being so harsh…winning also is more mysterious. Who knows if it’s really good today. Maybe winning, whatever it is, is more normal and not so hyped up or over-the-top or exhilarating as its cracked up to be.

You may have to think for a minute to find examples of why the way it’s going is OK. You may have to be open to finding out later, that these examples will come to you at a future time.

There may be some other reason I don’t even know yet, that I’m not aware of, that what I’ve lost is good.

Not just a phone….but a marriage, my childhood, my big house, a pregnancy, my bank account, a client, part of my leg, old photos.

“Not wanting to change what is, is a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom.”~Byron Katie

Any tiny moment where I think I have deprivation, loss….could it be that there is something gained, even as that thing is disappearing?

Could the universe be friendly?

Love, Grace

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Me? Jealous? Never!

The dynamic of jealousy can be one of the most painful, agonizing experiences a human can have internally, believing their fearful thoughts about someone else being better than us, someone else ditching us or finding us unimportant, and what it could mean about the future, or about the past.

There are several kinds of jealousy, it seems: sibling jealousy, workplace jealousy, romantic jealousy, jealousy in friendships, business jealousy, success jealousy.

And then on top of it all….there is often condemnation of the person who is actually jealous. That person is crazy, insecure, wrong, mixed up, fearful, distrusting, resentful.

That jealous person needs to work through their issues! JEEZ! Get a life!

No one would want to be around a jealous person. No one wants to get involved with a jealous person. Not one wants to BE the jealous person.

I used to think of myself as very NON jealous. I rarely experienced it in romantic relationships. Why would I want a prison for a relationship? Why would I want to ask a someone to adjust their contact with others so I myself could feel more comfortable? That seemed weird.

I was sooooo above all that.

Until I noticed one day several years ago that I was “jealous” of a woman who was very successful in her field. She offered great service to clients, she was a former dancer in incredible physical condition, she is 14 years younger than me, she had a book published in 10 languages, she ran events that she led that drew 1000 people, she made six-figures every month, and she had amazingly gorgeous hair.

And then there were MORE women like her showing up in my life. People who apparently, the story went, had a gazillion dollars more than ME and were published! Creative! Inventive! Crowds of followers!

It was like the areas of this world I found difficult but highly valuable….and felt a bit lacking in….were all displayed in these amazing women. There she was, the successful one over there.

Here I was, the dork over here who had debt, age, non-accomplishment, failure, sickness, and not only was not published, but I hadn’t ever even finished a whole book.

My hair at least was OK.

Jealousy shows up in different ways for different people. I felt like these women were larger than life. Beyond me. Extraordinary.

Eckhart Tolle speaks about jealousy and envy as a view of others from the absolute perspective of lack.

“The basic condition of the egoic self is a deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete…and then it looks for the next thing to fill the hole that is always there…” ~Eckhart Tolle

So at that moment that I noticed someone on the planet who I admired enormously, someone who amazed me with her accomplishments.

And I noticed at the same moment practically that I simply could never do what she has done. Oh how deflating. I’ll never get there, never be that, never do it.

That part of the mind likes to compare. It’s like the most dissatisfied, worried, anxious voice you ever heard. What’s wrong with you? How much of your life have you sat around on your butt? I’ve heard of wasting time but this is ridiculous! You see that over there? That’s what success looks like! Fer Gawdsakes, look at you!

Identifying and questioning these pesky little thoughts when they spring forward can catch the most powerful moment of jealousy or envy in the bud, and nip it.

“When we’re in the student position, we’re growing. When we’re in the teaching position, we’re stuck…There is nothing negative in the world. If I see something negative, I am believing insane thoughts…” ~Byron Katie

If I am a person who questions my thinking, who is open to the unknown, to mystery…if I am someone who is a student of my awareness, of the reality that shows up around me…then I notice I do not compare.

There is nothing negative in the world, INCLUDING ME. Including you.

What could be fabulous about this incredible, accomplished woman showing up in my life?

Wow. I have a role model. I am inspired. I see how she’s a human being, like me. I can turn the thoughts I have around of myself like “I’ll never make it. I can’t do it. I’m not successful. It’s too late for me. I’m not good enough.”

Really?

Maybe instead, as a student, a teacher has appeared. Showing me the inspiration, joy, beauty, power, success, excellence, and achievement that is possible.

Everyone is God in disguise. The rough people, and the idolized people as well.

“The difference between a good artist and a great one is: the novice will often lay down his tool or brush, then pick up an invisible club on the mind’s table, and helplessly smash the easels and jade. Whereas the vintage man no longer hurts himself, or anyone, and keeps on sculpting Light.” ~ Hafiz

Question your thoughts when you believe you don’t measure up to that other image, over there. Question your not-enough-ness.

Sculpt your light.

Love, Grace