Category: Relationships

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My Sister Is Sooooooo Irritating

Hello Dear Inquirers,

Several people have written to me about teenagers, inspired by my recent posts. Pre-teens as well. Why do they act that way? Why so dramatic? Why so short-tempered, or irritable, or rude? Have you done the work with teenagers?

Teenagers may have a reputation for “acting out” but really, perhaps they have some important reason for being so hostile. They may have something incredible to say. They also may be able to be less complicated, and catch on quickly to new ways of looking at something.

I have not done The Work often with my amazing children. But they see the benefits of their mother questioning her thoughts about them, I can guarantee it.

There was, however, one amazing moment where my children were fighting, and The Work sprang forward as the thing to do, right there on the spot.

My son, the older sibling, was saying something under his breath that my daughter (who admires her older brother) was perceiving as mean.

As usual, my son’s voice was quiet, I couldn’t hear the content. Then my daughter screamed “that is SO MEAN! I hate you!” at her brother.

I think he may have chuckled or scoffed. It wasn’t taken favorably, it seemed to incite the rage already present in my daughter.

Of course, there I was noticing from the other corner of the room my thoughts talking to me: they shouldn’t fight, here we go again, I must stop this, the noise of screaming is horrible, I don’t know what to do…

But somehow, in that moment, I remained in the seat of the observer, like the Work was working me and I wasn’t believing these thoughts…everything happening at once, but seeing a broader view of it all.

When there was a moment of red hot, angry silence, I said to my daughter: “what are you thinking right now that is really bugging you?”

In an angry voice, with her eyes burrowing like lazer beams into her brother, she pointed at him and said “he HATES me!”

I asked her then “Is that absolutely true, are you positive?”

“YES!!!!!!!!”

“You want to do The Work questions?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!”

Then my son said “I’ll do The Work!”

“Well, what are you thinking right now about your sister?!” My son replied “she is so irritating”.

My daughter hit her hands on the table. But stayed seated near her brother. I could tell something was OK about all this…at least I thought so. She wasn’t crying. She didn’t storm out.

“Is it true that your sister is irritating?”

Pause. “Well….not all the time.”

My daughter leaned back in her chair, not so on edge, defensive, ready to pounce.

“What would it be like right now if you didn’t have that thought that she is irritating?”

“I guess everything would be cool….but I HAVE the thought, so I’m not even sure. Calmer I guess. Maybe.” My daughter unfolded her arms. She was very interested in listening. All ears.

“What is the opposite of your thought, the complete opposite?”

“She is not irritating. She’s cool.”

“Can you find an example of how that is true, even right now perhaps?”

As my son found the examples, and then found another turnaround that HE is irritating, both kids burst out laughing. The whole thing was 10 minutes.

I couldn’t have planned it that way.

It seemed like they went from zero to LOVE and humor in 10 minutes. A wonderful example of the beautiful world of strong, intense, dramatic teenage thinking, for me.

Much love,
Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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Crazy Like Romeo And Juliet

Last night I saw Romeo and Juliet at the local high school theater performance in my town.

I know this play really well. I actually played Juliet in college on stage, so at one time I practically knew the whole play by heart.

And in my life, I have known that whole play by heart.

As I teared up during the finale, when everyone is dead and “all are punished” I also smiled on the inside. These people were crazy! Mega-attached, dramatic, killing themselves with knives, killing other people with swords, weeping and howling and depressive, or manic, or enraged.

In case you don’t remember, Romeo is wildly in love with someone else named Roslyn at the beginning of the play…then he switches in one night to Juliet.

He also actively participates in killing two people, and then of course himself. And Juliet, as we know, also kills herself.

Good lord! No one seemed to know about questioning their thinking….although Shakespeare does appear to have knowledge of this himself. His poetry, prose and plays are filled with awareness of what life could be like beyond this “believing” mind.

“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”~William Shakespeare 

Now, after being able to ask myself if what I am thinking is actually true or not, in my own opinion and no one else’s opinion, I find the joy of not really knowing, and being aware that some of what I thought was really, seriously true…is not.

So there I was in the past *desperate* for HIM to love me, want me, pay attention to me, talk to me, be with me, call me, write me, email me, stop by, adore me, please me.

We don’t like admitting these kinds of things.

Ha! I say with a chuckle, that was soooooo long ago, when I was a teenager! I’m not like that anymore.

[A very loud buzzer sound just went off]

Oops! Oh, now that I think about it, I had a longing for HIM to come find me as I sat looking out at the beach on vacation LAST WEEK (my husband).

I may not have been all a flutter in quite the same manner as Juliet, or ready to stab myself with a dagger, but these tiny moments are the same.

I need him to listen to me, I want her to be kinder to me, I need him to understand me, I want her to like me, he should talk with me, she should appreciate me, he should contact me, she should call me, he should show up. 

That voice or feeling inside appears, it wants something to come from OVER THERE towards ME.

Being here in myself feels somehow not quite interesting enough, even lonely, empty, solitary, purposeless, lost, boring, meaningless.

These sensations or thoughts can happen with our children, friends, parents, bosses or lovers.

Or God, the Universe, Source, Reality. It isn’t close enough, it should be closer, I should feel it right here with me all the time, there is separation, I don’t get this, I need something more…

So what if this sense, thought, or feeling that something is ABSENT is questioned?

What if nothing is absent, missing, or too far away?

Can you imagine who Romeo and Juliet and the whole entire rest of the cast would BE without the thought that something was tragically missing?

Without the thought, if someone is busy, and focused on NOT ME I would remember that I’ve been spared (one of Katie’s little sayings I love).

I’d have an open, excited, curious, smiling feeling on the inside of my whole body.

Looking out at the ocean, last week, without the thought that anyone else should be here looking at the ocean with me, I stare with joy and amazement at the grand sight. Nothing to do, nothing to say, no one else here, just me and the Big Mystery.

Without the thought….sitting, looking, everything slower.

I love that Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet. He shows so well what happens when we’re believing with a vengeance: fearful, secretive, sneaky, sleepless, worried, banished, cautious, defiant, fighting a war, crazed, terrified.

Who would you be without the thought that you actually need anyone? You might think that you’d be cold, and no one would ever be around, and you’d have no friends, or your children would never call you up.

Find out!

“You are the one you’ve been waiting for”~Byron Katie

And by the way…if you have some sticky little thoughts that sound like needy ones, come on over to do The Work on Dec. 1st. It’s gonna be good! To register click HERE.

Much love, Grace

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Pessimistic? Do The Work for One Day

Have you wanted to set aside time to learn The Work, really delve in and drill down and get to the heart of some of your repetitive, uncomfortable thinking?

I read Loving What Is, then sat with it on my bedside table for about two years before returning to it. My story about this is on my website. One of my sisters went to The School and talking with her was incredible, after she returned. And I had thought she wouldn’t be the “type” to go to such an event.

For me, it took going to the whole 9 day school with Byron Katie in the room to really do The Work.

For hundreds of other people that I have worked with, who are obviously a bit faster than me and catch on more quickly, they actually DO the Work just by hearing about it.

They notice they have stress. They notice they are thinking things that are disturbing, or downright horrifying. They notice they want to drink or overeat or watch TV, or feel badly about themselves or their career, their health, or their general attitude.

They encounter the idea that maybe, just maybe, what they are THINKING is what is bothering them. Not the actual situation. But their relationship to the situation.

They start following the steps known as The Work. They get curious. Freedom follows. Lightbulbs flashing on all over the place. Or quiet awareness. Things becoming more simple, slower. JOY!

Then…there is someone like me. Doubtful and pessimistic that questioning my beliefs would do anything useful. All it takes is a pen and paper and answering four questions? BALDERDASH.

HUMBUG.

Well. If you are this type of person that seems to be an expert at pessimism, I can relate. You are not alone.

And you might find it incredible to set aside one day, with a small group, to identify your thinking, the stressful bits only, and take them through inquiry.

All the way through. All the way to the Turnarounds. Considering the opposites of what you thought. Turning your replayed thoughts upside down and inside out.

Not kind of thinking “hmm, is that true?” while driving your car to get groceries. Not thinking a thought like “I hate him” and then turning it around immediately, without doing the other steps, into “I love him” and not investigating further what is really bothering you.

This is not doing The Work “in your head” without any pen and paper.

Set aside one day, December 1st, to enter into the DARK ABYSMAL WINTER season (let’s not forget about the pessmism) to identify your stressful thinking, and do The Work in this most amazing simple (yet not so simple) way of thinking.

Even if you are not in Seattle and able to attend our one-day workshop into this freedom, I say, open your calendar and set aside a couple of hours to do The Work. Find a facilitator, make an appointment, trade with someone, call the Help Line (the schedule is onwww.thework.com).

As Byron Katie says…“I did the Work, because I was in a hurry”. 

If you have a penchant for pessimism like I do, you may think “I have no time…I have no money…I can’t really do it…it’s stupid, boring, another mental exercise, I need more than questions to change my life, it’s too far away”. 

You may notice, those are stressful THOUGHTS. They can be questioned. They may flow in abundance for you.

Doing The Work in a group can slow the whole process of thinking down, keep you on track, keep you steady. You may find future practice partners for doing The Work. This is an exercise in being conscious, staying conscious.

The winter one-day intensive is coming soon, here in Seattle. There is only room for 14 people! The fee is $125 for the day, we meet 10 am – 6 pm in a little cozy cabin known as Goldilocks Cottage. My darling husband Jon and I live here, and he will be participating and supporting us all right alongside for our day together. And he rocks at doing The Work.

If finances hold you back, please write to me and ask for assistance. This may be the way I make my living, but I have also questioned the thought “I need money” and found, incredibly, that it is not true.

What I DO find to be true is that I love, with all my heart and soul, each and every person who comes to inquire with me, and I honor each and every dollar that shows up as the flow of giving and receiving that happens constantly among us all. (Hint: do the Work on Money if you don’t love it yet).

I can’t wait for a day of inquiry on December 1st. My hands are clapping! Come join us!

Total beginners are welcome, people super familiar with the Work are welcome…every level will work. We all have the same thoughts, ready to be questioned.

Devote your day to inquiry, no matter where you are, and get “there” in a hurry.

“Inside this new love, die. Your way begins on the other side. Become the sky. Take an axe to the prison wall. Escape. Walk out like someone suddenly born into color. Do it now.”~Rumi

Register right now by clicking here and entering the fee of $125.

Love, Grace

P.S. This intensive day I call Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. The relationship I am referring to is….THAT UGLY, UNCOMFORTABLE ONE. It could be a partner, your mother, your sister, your job, money, your body. If you have multiple ones, don’t worry. Just start with one, we’ll help you begin to investigate just that one. Who knows what can happen from there.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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Eternity Is Our Destiny–Is That Scary?

I know I’ve been writing constantly about the mind this past week. Interesting little entity. Very busy, very constant, and at some point, very predictable.

Basically, I’m referring to this mind as a thing…but it’s really a sort of energy. Thinking. Words, images, scenes, sounds.

Byron Katie mentions in her work this mind and how it conjures possibilities about the future and worries about the past like waves in the ocean. Impossible to conquer. Always there.

Today, I love being reminded that if some kind of stress enters the scene of my conciousness, then its only a thought. Really, it’s just a THOUGHT. Made of no substance.

Eckhart Tolle speaks of this universe and our very minds as made up of things…and of space. Thingness and No-Thingness.

I notice that in the content of my thoughts in the last hour are tons of suggestions about things to do, say, or feel. Be sure to leave on time. You have only 15 more minutes to write. I need to finish x,y,z. It’s getting dark. I wonder who is winning the election. I hope my former mother-in-law is OK. I have to a,b,c by the weekend. I wonder why we live in infinite space, like why it is set up this way with earth and the planets and all that. 

I remember recognizing, while watching my thoughts and inquiring, several years ago, that I actually was afraid of being WITHOUT thought. Infinite space. Like a big white-out fog, no people, no objects, no ground, no up or down. I didn’t like the deep ocean either, it always kind of bugged me to watch movies where people were going down with cameras to where it was entirely dark under water. Spooky.

But how amazing to consider who I would be without the thought that I need to know what’s going on around here, that I need some kind of form, that I need to understand, or that “infinity” is creepy.

The collective disease of humanity is that people are so engrossed in what happens, so hypnotized by the world of fluctuating forms, so absorbed in the content of their lives, they have forgotten the essence, that which is beyond content, beyond form, beyond thought. They are so consumed by time that they have forgotten eternity, which is their origin, their home, their destiny. Eternity is the living reality of who you are.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

For me, I realized first how freaky I thought eternity was. It always made me nervous as a child. Too big.

But now that I can question my thoughts, I have discovered that I have no idea that Nothingness is Bad or something to be worried about.

In fact, I think eternity and nothingness and space and emptiness are here, right now, and they don’t hurt, they aren’t terrible. Have you noticed?

“Fear and unhappiness follow from the belief that we are going to feel a way we won’t like feeling in the future.”~Bruce DiMarsico

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be something, do something, think something, understand something….

How would you live if you knew all was well in your ultimate future, and your destiny of eternity that Eckhart mentions is incredible, sweet, precious…and PEACEFUL.

I would be more willing to see beyond whatever is happening here, not to take it so seriously, with such importance and nervousness, not anxious, not threatened, not depressing.

Without knowing what anything is for, or believing all your thoughts, life starts to become really funny, and really calm. You might crack yourself up over what you notice you suffer over.

In fact, I notice that I have never actually, my entire life, had a white-out moment where I was surrounded by nothing, black space, endless dark water, fog, and/or no people and no sound and Nothingness forever. Not even close.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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We Need To Talk

Right before I went on “vacation” someone sent me a note that appeared to say they were unhappy with something I had done. I didn’t know what. Couldn’t think of anything, even though my mind would return to trying to guess (that little part of the mind hates Not Knowing).

In the past, if I had received a note and it didn’t appear favorable (or maybe even if it DID appear favorable, honestly)…I may not have been able to sleep. It was basically the same kind of sentence on paper as when someone says “Grace, we need to talk”.

OMG we need to talk!? Adrenaline rush. What? Is there something wrong? What did I do? Are you mad at me?

It sounded like this person would contact me later, after I returned. FEAR arose. The beliefs come alive: I hurt someone’s feelings, I made someone uncomfortable. I have to be nice at all times (even if it means lying). I shouldn’t cause upset. Ever. Anywhere.

The key for me is that last thought “it is bad if someone appears to be upset by something I have done”.

Instead of leaving, distracting myself, or worrying, I knew it was time to do The Work. With self-inquiry, I notice that I can get excited about possibilities, curious, open, available. I know that I can be interested in other peoples’ perspectives.

My stressful beliefs: I hurt someone’s feelings, I made them uncomfortable, they don’t like something I did or said, they are too critical, I should never make anyone uncomfortable, there is someone very nervous or sensitive out there. I have to fix it. It will be weird if I run into that person.

As I enter into questioning these beliefs, and see what it’s like to have them, I notice that my mind gets all fired up.

My brain goes into over-drive trying to sort through memories of what I might have done that would be upsetting.

For many of us, we may imagine we’ve done something wrong because of the look someone gave us, the slight sigh or deep breath someone took after we spoke.

Someone might say they didn’t like the movie we just went to see, and we might feel bad because we insisted on that movie choice.

When I believe I’ve done something wrong, I start apologizing right and left, in my very core, energetically. I try to make up for it, or plan to make up for it soon. I feel sick.

Who would I be without the thought that I’ve hurt someone, done something wrong, that I’ve made someone uncomfortable in the past…and they may be ready to retaliate, hurt me, get revenge, or abandon me?

Without these thoughts I am here reviewing images in my mind of situations in which I have clearly said things that hurt other people. I am remembering moments where people reacted to me. It feels way more simple, no fear, relaxed, just watching and reviewing.

Who would I be without that thought that ANYONE has done ANYTHING WRONG? Including me. Who would I be without the thought that getting that note means something bad?

What if nothing “wrong” has happened? Who would you be?

I would be relaxed. Breathing. Looking at the people in my mind with acceptance and care. Not knowing… only being.

“Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men doesn’t try to force issues or defeat enemies by force of arms. For every force there is a counterforce. Violence, even well intentioned, always rebounds upon oneself. The Master does his job, and then stops….Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~Tao Te Ching #30

When I do The Work, I am giving attention to my inner world and my running, judgmental, worried mind. I am not trying to force an issue or defeat an enemy.

I turn around this worry about having done something wrong: Since I’ve upset someone, something good will happen. Something will get healed or balanced. There is opportunity for peace right here in this situation. I can let things unfold and I will find out what this note meant at the perfect time.

I love seeing that my mind was about to have a heart attack because a piece of paper had words on it that said someone needed to contact me later to talk.

Even the tiniest inner violence towards someone results in a counter-violent rebound. This “violence” can be in the most subtle form of living with the thought “I caused someone to be upset (and it’s terrible).”

I turned the thought around as I did The Work right there on vacation next to a swimming pool. It’s just as true that something wonderful is happening, not scary. Someone is wanting to express themselves, to express a concern. They are engaging with me, making contact with me…it’s fabulous. This is all very exciting. Curious. Appropriate. A moment to surrender.

We need to talk. Fantastic. What interesting news will unfold? I look forward to it! It is just as true that all is well. Truer. And I notice, with that…I’m back to totally enjoying the present moment.

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Your Mother Won’t Change For You To Be Happy

One of the most important people anyone can do the Work on, it seems, is Mother. Whether our mother was around a lot when we were young, or not, the thoughts about our experience of our own mothers are extensive, repetitive, and often NOT original.

You may notice that even just considering your mother, you feel deflated, bored, or irritated.“Not that topic again, I’ve worked on her enough…I’ve handled that relationship…too late now.”

Perhaps it’s true that you’ve already considered a great deal around your mother, and softened or accepted her presence in your life, and the fact that it’s over.

But whatever is unresolved may also come bite you in the butt, to put it mildly.

Like when I agreed to participate in a project in my community to assist a certain population in need and bring my talents at helping people in addictive cycles to overcome them. This was a few years ago.

Someone else also participating in the project, it turned out, DROVE ME NUTS. She reminded me of my mother. My childhood mother, the mother of my projections (who no longer actually exists). This is not the way I currently experience my actual living mother, but this woman triggered me like no one else had in a long time.

She made me want to SCREAM.

  • she hovers over me like a helicopter
  • she should stop looking at me, focusing on me
  • she should stop being so happy, nicey-nice, and fake Martha Stewart
  • she should stop handing out cards, presents and trinkets to everyone all the time (gag)
  • she should stop peppering me with personal questions
  • she is insecure! fishing for compliments!
  • she is too sensitive
  • she shouldn’t talk about me behind my back
  • SHE SHOULD STOP COMPLAINING

Sometimes when physically approaching a meeting with all the project leaders, I would feel like my face would look like I smelled something bad. And I wasn’t even in the same room with her yet.

Now that is some reaction! Hmmmm, could something interesting be going on, I wonder?

I knew it was time to take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. And answer every single question, very slowly, very carefully.

First of all, what was actually upsetting me? (See list above to begin with). Why should someone else, behaving in just that way, be so incredibly irritating? What was frightening me? I knew I only got riled up like this when I was scared.

I found I was very frightened of her judgments. I heard her complaints and comments about other people and it made me nervous. I was on alert. I got quiet around her. I felt like she was watching my every move with hyper-critical attention. I could be condemned, advised, ordered, or pushed at any second. I could make a mistake.

Gosh. Who did that sound like, something was so familiar. OH! That would be me. Just part of me, mind you, that VOICE. The mean one.

Next, what did I really WANT from this woman? What did I NEED from her in order to be happy? This is key to the process. What do I really think I want or need from that person TO BE HAPPY?

I needed to be able to trust her. To know she cared about me. I wanted her to like me, to be kind, to stop saying cruel things or mean things about other people (which only meant she could say them about me). I wanted her to stop calling other various people “bad” people or “evil” people. She was saying disparaging things about the people we were trying to help.

The thing is….I clammed up, shut down, started judging her like crazy. It was like a huge alarm was going off with blinking red lights in an office building, huge, crushing, ear-splitting sounds.

But the I did The Work. She should tell me directly what she is concerned or upset about. She should stop complaining. She should tell the truth. Turned around: I should tell her directly what I am concerned or upset about. I should stop complaining about her. I should tell the truth.

With a beating heart and red face and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I asked her if I could talk with her privately one day after a meeting. You would think someone just announced that a war had broken out and we all needed to get to safety ASAP.

I told her how I felt, and I apologized for my part if I had bothered her.

She looked at me with suspicion. She said something like “well, we’ll see”. She appeared disapproving. There was a long uncomfortable silence.

That was when I learned that there can be no expectation of outcome when questioning deeply help beliefs.

She should now be kind and open, since I’ve spilled my guts? No. She should be cool now and chill out? No.

This work is for the love of Truth. And for discovering that NO ONE HAS TO CHANGE ANYTHING in order for YOU to be happy.

Even your mother.

Love, Grace

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Argue With Reality And You Win By Losing

The practice of arguing is interesting to dissect. What is “arguing”?

An argument, it seems, has an analytical feel to it, weighing pros and cons….and yet often, it becomes very full of feeling and passion. An urgency enters the scene, there is a “right” and a “wrong” and we have to break down all the elements and explore.

The definition of “arguing” in Webster’s dictionary is to prove or disprove something, to give evidence for or against, to dispute.

If I am arguing, I may believe that my position is threatened. I need to speak up, to convince, to make a case for what I want and make sure it’s HEARD.

I am worried that I may not get what I want. I may be nervous, frustrated, uncomfortable, anxious. These feelings are not so intellectual. They don’t seem to be objective. They aren’t just “exploring” like when someone is dissecting a frog in biology class.

The outcome is extremely important. It is critical. I must win. Or else I will lose! And losing is TERRIBLE!!

So let’s say I am with my spouse and we are both hungry, and it sounds like a good idea to both of us to eat a meal. I say “let’s go out for dinner” and my partner says “let’s cook at home”.

I want this, the Other wants that.

If I am attached to me getting what I want (and this does NOT mean that I suddenly become Against Attachment in order to get there) I become stressed.

What is your usual experience when this kind of moment happens?

Let’s say the stakes are higher, and someone has robbed you. You’ve lost something, and it’s THEIR fault. You argue for justice. You feel angry, betrayed, wronged.

I once hired someone where I paid $1500 at the beginning for the work that would be done. The communication was poor, the emails few and far between (they didn’t respond when I sent questions) and I was shocked to discover that when I thought we were about 25% along to completion of the project, they considered the project to be done.

When I expressed my unhappiness and confusion, they did not offer money back, they emailed a 2 page single-spaced document of legalese and their language seemed stark, defensive, and final.

I decided to cut my losses, the biggest loss I’ve ever taken in a business transaction, and learned a huge lesson in getting far more information at the beginning about peoples’ expectations. Doh! The exact same work I’ve hired people for since has been far more satisfying and wonderful.

I saw that I myself was a participant in non-communication at the very beginning. I trusted them only because of how I got the referral. I didn’t even ask for a list of what would be included in this work. My bad.

Today in our Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass, we looked at our painful experiences where we believed that we compromised ourselves in an exchange with someone. The other person got what they wanted, and we didn’t.

The belief was “I have to compromise to maintain peace”. I have to acquiesce to keep the peace, to have calm. I have to NOT get what I want for things to go smoothly. I am afraid of what would happen if I am truly honest.

The way most of us described our reactions to this belief was that we felt resentful, deflated, drained, weak, enraged, despairing, hopeless. No peace. The compromise, as it turns out, led to war, internally. And the feeling of being a door mat.

So let’s apply this to the bottom-line invitation that Byron Katie and many other teachers offer us because of their own insights: stop arguing with reality.

There I am with my beloved partner, and we both have stated that we want to eat in completely different places. If I am not arguing with reality, I am feeling what it is like for everyone to have a preference in this moment. I am not against either myself or my partner expressing what is true for ourselves.

If I am not arguing with reality I don’t actually jump ahead into the future, I am not afraid of the outcome, thinking that I won’t get what I want or that there will be no resolve. I am not attacking either the other, or me. I am not hiding my inner feelings in a hole so they can’t see them.

Every possibility of what could happen can be born. I can go to the restaurant by myself with a good book, I can join my partner at home, I can ask very clearly and directly for what I want. I can hear clearly what my partner wants. There is a thread of joy running through the entire dance. My thoughts about what I want can change in 2 seconds. I am not afraid.

I do The Work on that business situation. I can let loose the grip of the “lost” $1500 and see how much I gained by paying that money. I paid for an important lesson that I may not have learned any other way. I now open to conversations with every single one of my own customers or clients when they are not satisfied with what they’ve hired me for. These conversations are incredible. My business has improved and grown from these by leaps and bounds.

Recently, I read something by a famous trial lawyer who won many arguments in his successful career. He said he had on his door “please, argue with me”.

He said he learned the joy of arguing with respect and curiosity. What he explained was that he wanted to hear what we were feeling, say what was our honest truth in the moment.

He said not to compromise or squelch yourself. Enjoy the engagement. No defense, no plan to demolish or “win”. AND no strategy to slink out, clam up, shut yourself down.

Be with me, tell me your preferences, bring all of yourself here! Peace is possible through this process, this conversation! No one has to do anything they don’t want to do in order to “keep the peace”.

It seems that the Universe would say the same thing. Please, argue with me. In fact, it seems like that is the way of it. You will learn, you will see, you will become aware, you will be amazed, you will wake up. I love you, says the universe! BE YOU. Be not afraid. And if you are, it’s OK…say so and stay here with me in the argument.

I am here apparently as some kind of life form (apparently a human), a part of reality, and in my communication with this Friendly Universe (even if it looks like a bad business transaction) I win. In my openness to not minding what happens and really being genuinely myself, I win. In respecting every tiny part of what enters my reality, including my partner’s different desires, I win. In exposing what I am most afraid of, I win.

“When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.” ~Tao Te Ching #69

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here! Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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Disgusting Shameful Despicable Me

The feeling of SHAME in almost every culture is horrendous. When someone feels shame, they believe they have done something worthy of being rejected. They are dishonorable, slimy, dishonest, degraded, banished. And they know it.

When I consider the feeling of shame, feeling humiliation, sorry and unworthy, it feels soooo low. Worthless. Disgusting. Hideous.

This is one of the worst human experiences.

Brene Brown is a speaker and author who has been studying shame in the human experience. Just like the way we begin to understand and question our minds by seeing what we actually are thinking….she also starts with what we mean when we define “shame”.

Long ago, when I was an active bulimic, eating and vomiting and starving and over-exercising and binge-eating again, I not only was in terrible pain about this strange cycle with food, but also I did everything in the world to cover up the fact that I was having this sick relationship with eating.

I pretended to the cashier at the grocery store that I was about to cook for a big dinner party. I smiled happily to my friends and said I already ate because I had just binged and purged a few hours before and couldn’t handle ordering a meal. I turned on the water to the bath tub or shower really loudly while I made myself throw up, so no one would hear. I drove from one fast-food place to the next ordering “normal” amounts at each one.

It was like there were eyes everywhere potentially seeing me and what a disgusting person I was.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.~Brene Brown

It seems that this sense of wanting desperately to avoid rejection, to never fail, to not show unlikable parts, expose our imperfections, or reveal our flaws is all wrapped up in shame.

I know that the MORE I wanted to avoid rejection, the more afraid I was of getting criticized for my flaws, the bigger my shame was. The bigger the need to cover my trail and keep those ugly parts of myself a secret.

Now, I allow myself to think through this process in a slow, meditative, open way. This began with seeing a counselor many, many years ago and discovering how incredible it was to speak my innermost thoughts out loud to another human and not see them turn away in horror.

SHAME is faster than a speeding bullet. When it is triggered there is a feeling in the gut of being punched. It hurts. There is huge resistance to what is and an enormous belief that I am bad, stupid and wrong. Worthy of absolute rejection.

Staying here with what happened…without taking the shame so freakin’ seriously…I get to look at the behavior, the thoughts, the moment of shame, the trigger. I get to ask myself the truth of the situation, and see if it is really true that I am the scum of the earth.

Someone once passed me a note as I shared in a 12 Step meeting. The note said “It is a form of negative grandiosity to hate yourself so much. You are loved and worthy. You are a human being.”

Oh. WOW.

That’s when the adventure begins.

If I am NOT actually a horrid, awful, putrid, bad person….then what could be going on for me when I’m doing those painful things? What am I thinking in those moments? What am I really afraid of?

Byron Katie speaks with great compassion of the people who kill, lie, steal, cheat, and deeply hurt other people in this world. They are simply believing their thoughts. They are not looking with clarity at the whole situation, at their minds.

I love that questioning my thinking means I am moving away from shame, into reality. I am aware that I am allowed to be here. In fact, I belong and am acceptable, because I am here. No other “reason” is necessary.

Everyone else is allowed to be here, too.

“The Work is not about shame or blame. It’s not about proving that you are the one in the wrong or forcing yourself to believe that someone else is in the right. The power of the turnaround lies in the discovery that everything you think you see on the outside is really a projection of your own mind. Everything is a mirror image of your own thinking.”~Byron Katie

Without shame about my history with food and eating….I notice that I began to ask myself what else was going on, what else was I thinking, feeling and believing?

Who would you be without the thought that the way you have been is bad, wrong or evil? Who would you be without the thought that having a flaw MEANS you are unworthy of acceptance or belonging?

Can you not reject yourself, in this situation? That is all that is necessary to change everything.
I know, because it happened to me.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

 

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You Can’t Help Them

The idea that a human can be “saved” is an ancient and deep story with highs and lows, peaks and valleys, tragedy or joy. We all hope the outcome is good.

There someone is at the bottom of their luck. They are on the street. They have lost the kingdom. Their family has been destroyed. They are bankrupt. Destitute, hopeless, taking their last breath, trapped. They are about to jump off the cliff.

Superman to the rescue! Batman, Spider Man, Wonder Woman, Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Mental Health Counselor, priest, ambulance driver, fireman, guru, the angel Gabriel, Martin Luther King, Beatrice (for those that know Dante’s story).

What a great happy ending when the Rescuer makes contact with the One Needing To Be Rescued. The crowd cheers!

Not so much fun when you’re in the middle of the dance I like to call Rescue Job. For some of us, it’s a sort of auto-pilot reaction founded on VERY unquestioned beliefs. I speak from personal experience:

  • that person needs my help
  • they will die without me (I am very important)
  • they are not doing well in some area of their life (money, romance, addiction) and I could help them do better (I know best)
  • if they would only love themselves (I can love them and they will see)
  • they need my love (so I will constantly give it to them)
  • I will be a superhero/good/right/important if I make a difference in their life

The problem is, in this Rescue Job story, that one person is the Savior and Hero and one person is the Lost and Incapable. I think quite a few people have written books on this, for example “Co-Dependent No More”.

Parents take this approach to children (and the reverse happens, too), siblings towards each other, friends to friends, and in romance….oh boy, people really get twisted up in the Rescue Job story.

Byron Katie has an amazing book entitled “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” but it could include a turnaround that for me, is just as important to question: “You Need My Love–Is That True?”  

Thank goodness gracious it’s not true! I see the arrogance, the desire I have had for being The One to change the course of someone’s life for the better. Ewwww.

But I didn’t always see it this way. In fact, I still relapse into this dynamic. I must be a great and amazing mother! I must be a fabulous and forgiving daughter! I must be a steady and reliable friend! I must be an accepting and caring counselor! I NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Really?

I hear Katie’s voice saying “Who needs God, when we have your opinion?”  That person in your life who appears to be in need, the one who is using drugs, or desperate, or depressed…that person who hates themselves or can’t seem to succeed or is choosing a way that you would not choose.  Who would you be without the thought that you need to help them? Especially when you’ve already tried. Maybe eight times.

This is not about abandoning other humans, or dismissing your children, or backing away when someone actually asks you for help. It’s about letting the universe assist, opening to the idea that it is friendly. Opening to the mysterious and the unknown.

Nowadays, if I notice that I am having the thought that someone needs my love, then I remember the pain of this burden.  I remember that I am not a superhero, or Mother Teresa. I am an ordinary, mediocre, regular human. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus he has nothing to lose. What he desires is non-desire; what he learns is to unlearn. He simply reminds people of who they have always been. He cares about nothing but the Tao. Thus he can care for all things.”~ Tao Te Ching #64 

I know from personal experience that some of the greatest obsessive/addictive you-can’t-make-it-on-your-own moments I’ve had towards others have been awful, painful, and like being in jail. For both of us.

Today I practice caring about nothing but the Tao. I am Being, without knowing what is best for anyone. Even the person lying on the street.

It does not mean I don’t take action….it doesn’t mean this at all, I have found. But there is no fear, no “hope”, no anxious trying, no waiting, no anger, no frustration.  And I am 100% in my own business. Not anyone else’s. My only job to be my own Hero.

“We’re not on our journey to save the world but to save ourselves. But in doing that you save the world.”~Joseph Campbell

Love, Grace

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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Are You Sure You Want That?

Have you ever noticed that anticipation can be very exciting and fun…..or very nauseating and difficult? The exciting kind reminds me of when child has waited for a birthday party for weeks and now is the day!

Yippee! Hands clapping! Can’t wait! I’m right on the edge of happiness, relief, fun, celebration, satisfaction!

Baited breath! I’m about to get what I REALLY WANT!

I remember starting to date a man at one time….well, OK, this happened with several (I confess!) and noticing that I was waiting for the next time I would see him, or hear from him, or receive a phone call from him.

I wonder if he’ll call today, I wonder if he’s thinking of me like I am thinking of him, I wonder if we’ll get together this weekend, I wonder if this will continue for awhile, I wonder if he’s a good match for me overall, I wonder wonder wonder.

There was a moment when I needed to go to the bathroom and I turned back as I left my bedroom to get my cell phone, to take it with me to the bathroom! What if he called while I stepped away for 5 minutes! OMG!

I couldn’t miss that call! I wanted that call! I’m about to get what I want, I hope!!

As I looked at the bathroom floor where I put my cell phone while there, it dawned on me that this moment, here now, I was not relaxed, happy, enjoying my own company. I was filled with the thought “I NEED HIM TO CALL ME”.

This was not the way I wanted to live my life, not the way I wanted to live this moment.

I saw myself and how attached I was to hope for this thing happening. What the heck was I doing?

When this moment, the one right here now, is less than perfect, anticipation has a little more “weight” to it. Pun intended.

The anticipation has a “wait” to it that is full of feeling: hope, anxiety, frustration, intensity, demand.

And when THIS moment is VERY imperfect. Like excruciating, uncomfortable, disappointing, boring or harsh….then the anticipation might be more desperate.

Everyone has experienced having to wait for something and having the thought “I can’t wait! I hate this!” Waiting for this bad feeling to be eliminated, waiting for relief, waiting for a once-in-a-lifetime event, waiting for end of the work day, waiting for the bottle of alcohol.

Waiting for whatever you think will take you out of Now, that will be better than Now.

It’s going to be better later, once I have the information, glass of wine, free time, sex, happy feelings, extra cash, new house, different job, phone call.

I knew I needed to do The Work, in that moment of awareness. I needed to question the thought “I need him to call me.”

Right here, right now, under the influence of Waiting, something within us is absent.

Eckhart Tolle and many other spiritual teachers talk about our peace being in this present moment. Now. So simple, but when thinking the thought of the future…there is NO peace in this present moment.

So what is happening when Now is full of images of me almost getting what I want, when Now is not as good as it will be later?

First, I notice that this Now (that is not as good as it will be) feels small. I’m not aware of everything that is happening here. It’s hard to pay attention to this moment, actually, I’m very distracted about the future possibilities.

I find one of my favorite questions is “what is making me feel this way?”

It can be hard to find out. A wonderful doorway in to reaching this awareness is to identify what we’re thinking, believing or repeating to ourselves over and over.

HOLY COW we can be thinking volumes of stressful thoughts, beliefs, ideas. How can we possibly narrow it all down?

By slowing down, sifting and and sorting. Trusting that you will know. Identifying the most obvious stressful belief…the one on top.

This is one of my favorite parts of the one-to-one counseling relationship, by the way, when a therapeutic relationship can be so incredibly useful. A counselor or therapist can help ask the most effective questions, can help capture them, make them known.

Those years ago, when I took the phone into the bathroom with me and saw myself suddenly and the discomfort of that moment, the next thing I did was go to my couch with a pen and paper.

I wrote down “I need him to call me”.

I asked myself if it was true. Really? Do I really need that? No, chuckle…of course not! I’m fine! Breathing, alive.

Do I need him to call me for my emotional happiness? Is that what I need? Absolutely not true. Wow.

How I react when I think I need or want something that is NOT happening right now is not very peaceful, that’s for sure.

Without the thought that I need this thing, that I want it (you fill in the blank) then what would your experience be instead? What do you notice?

Without the thought that I want something or need something to be happy (or happier) then his moment is bigger, richer, fuller. I see much more right here. I am so much more aware. I hear sounds, see colors, notice the furniture in the room. I feel my own body, I am more alive.

I turn the thought around “I do not need him to call me”. I sit with that concept and find examples of how this is true.

Could it be true that you do not need, or even want, what you thought you wanted? Is it possible that what you want is present here, now? Or that it’s fine if the things you think you want are NOT here right now?

What did I want, for example, back in that moment so long ago? Connection, attention, love, laughter, flirtation, fun, happiness, adventure.

Do I have to have these things RIGHT NOW in order to have a good life?

No. In fact, things go up and down, life is not static. It flows. In and out, life and death, here and gone, back and forth.

Not always trying to get to the “good” parts or “high” parts or away from the “bad” parts of the journey is such a relief. So much less pressure, no pushing or pulling. Less waiting. Maybe no waiting at all. Here, now.

“Hoping for something in the future disconnects you from who you really are. The orientation of expectation or of having a goal to accomplish does the same thing. For example, you may be thinking that one of these days, you are going to be enlightened, so you are working at it now. Light would never think that way; it doesn’t posit an end state in which everything is going to be wonderful, and it doesn’t say that we have to practice now in order to get to that goal. For light, that is completely nonsensical; there is just now. Now is just wonderful the way it is, and now is all that we have.”~A. H. Almaas in The Unfolding Now

After that day noticing my phone in the bathroom with me…I stopped taking my phone everywhere. I discovered that what I really wanted was to be here, with me, in my own company, not waiting.

What I notice I really want is awareness of what is present here with me RIGHT NOW. This feels like what I can do, I can’t wait for all that other stuff to change so that I can be happier. I notice something is off when I am waiting for someone to call.

“I need me to call myself right now.” Yes, that turnaround is the most true.

Ring Ring Ring—Hello Grace? This is Grace! WOW! I’ve been meaning to sit with you and have a really good talk.…

Love, Grace