Category: Relationships

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Judging Those Creeper People

I love how self-inquiry, answering questions internally, or with a companion or facilitator, or in an amazing group of inquirers….is entirely and completely SAFE.

You are sitting, or lying, or standing or walking, and you are talking, thinking, remembering, imagining, and answering questions.

This present moment, for anyone who is actually “doing” inquiry, is simple, pretty gentle, meditative, connecting. You are breathing, having emotions, your heart is beating. You are alive.

The only thing happening that is difficult….and I’m not dismissing how difficult it can be…is thinking and feeling. Having thoughts, followed by or preceded by feelings.

It feels so painful to believe in pain. To know, on auto-pilot, without questioning it, that you were hurt back then, that you were capable of hurting someone else. It feels painful to know it happened. Painful to imagine the possibility of it happening once again.

Here comes the memory. You see it, even if you don’t want to see it! And your stomach contracts, you feel nauseated, angry, terrified, you have images of your family dying, or you dying, or the world ending, of awful things happening that you are certain you couldn’t stand.

I forget sometimes when I am having a big, heavy, enormous feeling that it is just a feeling. I forget to look around and see that I am OK in this present moment.

Today I re-read one of the most profound stories, for me, that is in the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It is the story of a woman remembering the horrors she experienced being sexually abused as a child.

One of the worst, most hellish stories of humanity. This is right up there with war, violence, people doing things to other people with force.

Doing The Work is about looking profoundly at even this kind of experience.

Especially this kind.

When I first read the story in Katie’s book and thought about serious childhood abuse of this kind, I was pretty horrified. How could anyone ever get over that? How could someone stop walking around in their present life without wanting to protect themselves from ever having that kind of thing happen ever again?

There are a lot of distractions offered on the planet to manage these kinds of memories. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food, shopping, moving, taking and quitting jobs, gambling, watching movies, getting into high-drama relationships with others, never getting into intimate relationships with anyone, working super crazy hard.

One of the biggest distractions, that keeps us from being with these terrible memories….is JUDGING.

At least this has been my greatest attempt of all to control “bad” people and “bad” situations from repeating themselves. I judge. I blame. I analyze. I collect information on that bad person and list their faults.

Often even in therapy, where I spent many hours with counselors, as I spoke about my painful experiences, I was listing, proving, making a good case that would explain my current behaviors, worries, and pain.

The mind’s job is to sort and figure out and protect. Have you noticed how much it loves to repeat the scenes you are most nervous about? It’s like it is saying “come on, let’s find the solution, let’s resolve this”!!

Amazing to sit in our judgments, then, and actually ask ourselves if they are 100% absolutely hands-down true?

  • People can’t get over sexual abuse—is that true?
  • If someone is really scary and creepy, you alone need to do everything in your power to stay away from them—really?
  • That person, or those people, could hurt you permanently—is that absolutely true?
  • How that person acted is unacceptable to you, and you could never ever interact with them or anyone like them again—how do you react when you believe this thought?
  • I do not have enough patience, maturity, sanity, power, energy, or enough love to overcome these memories or this situation—who would you be WITHOUT this thought?

What I have seen in hundreds of hours of working with clients now, in having my own journey with violence, cancer, hate or abandonment, is that we humans are absolutely amazing. We heal from the most incredible experiences.

People are walking around everywhere finding happiness, joy and beauty in the world despite very painful experiences in the past.

So right in the present, as you question your beliefs, notice how you think you could be hurt, over-powered, controlled, abused, or neglected by someone else out there in the world. And notice that right now, abuse is not actually happening.

“After you’ve been doing inquiry for awhile, if you have the thought “she doesn’t love me,” you just get the immediate turnaround with a smile: “oh, I’m not loving myself in this moment.” “She doesn’t care about me”: “Oh, I’m not caring about myself in the moment I think that thought.” Feel it, feel what it’s like to think that thought, how unkind you’re being to yourself when you believe it. “~Byron Katie

I know for myself I am not free when I am thinking that something someone has done, or the way someone has behaved, is unforgivable. I am being a dictator.

I can also gently rock myself in my own arms, remembering that I am only having these painful thoughts because I am NOT REMEMBERING that I am a beautiful, loving, kind and powerful person that I get to hang around all the time, 24/7. Nothing could be better than this!

Thank you people who have apparently “hurt” me….for you have only shown me where I wasn’t believing that my own love was enough, where I was believing I was too small for all this, where I was believing I was damaged permanently.

These troubling people showed me where I might have done things I didn’t even want to do, just because I thought I was getting love, approval or appreciation. I didn’t say “no” because I thought I needed to be polite. I wanted something from them that I thought I didn’t have. I liked being adored, I liked getting attention. I mistakenly thought they had something that would benefit me.

The turnarounds are so much truer: I am not damaged permanently, I am not too small, my love is enough for me and for the world. I AM SAFE RIGHT NOW.

“Isn’t it marvelous to discover that you’re the one you’ve been waiting for? That you are your own freedom? You go with inquiry into the darkness and find only light.”~ Byron Katie

Now here’s the thing: If you’re not sure you can find that YOU are the best thing that ever happened to YOU, if you feel you’ve done it wrong, or that other person has been wrong, there is nothing wrong with even that. It’s OK.

You are sitting here right now, safe, watching your thoughts and reading this. That alone is enough.

Love, Grace

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Drama! Memories! Agony! Inquiry!

Not long ago I heard from an old flame, a relationship that was extremely brief and burned like newspaper: fast, furious, ashes all over the place, not as much heat as expected, quickly over.

Hearing from people with whom we’ve interacted in the past can bring memories to the surface. Sometimes very unpleasant. Sometimes sweet and kind.

The images surfacing in my own mind were entirely unpleasant! I was surprised by the anger. And reminded and amazed once again at how thoughts create an emotional response instantly…in fact it’s almost simultaneous, the speed-of-thought.

Byron Katie suggests that you know when you’ve resolved a difficult relationship when you remember someone and simply smile with appreciation. No big reaction.

So what was going on in my mind at this re-visitation of the past?

I let every part of me, from my inner five year old to my fifteen year old do the talking, since it felt like I was the full range on the timeline of immaturity around this:

  • That relationship was horrible, tangled, twisted and sick
  • I hate the way I wanted to rescue that person (who definitely needed rescuing by the way-ha ha)
  • My ego is as big as Montana when it comes to how much I wanted to make a difference in that person’s life
  • That person could hurt me again, even now! Danger! Beware!
  • That human being is unhappy, sick, defiant, self-hating, caught in childhood drama
  • I need to “work” on forgiveness (I’m not OK the way I am)
  • I don’t ever want to be with anyone even remotely like that person again
  • *$^%@!!!

Well. As you can see, the inner turmoil is acute, upsetting, stressful. It is not actually wonderful to think these thoughts…they arise because something in me is afraid, I feel resistance to what is inside of me around this memory.

Hooray. Another relationship that disturbs me. I think learning is in the air….but NO! IT ISN’T ME! IT WAS THAT OTHER PERSON’S FAULT!

Sometimes we just need to have a little tantrum. The important thing about tantrums, if they arise, is noticing them…and not doing anything out of your own integrity when you have them.

You can punch a pillow on your bed first, if you like. Or jump around doing ninja moves, karate kicking and pretending you have super powers. You can also tear a phone book apart with all your might, or smash an old dish on the cement for the sound effect. But then you will need to get some paper and a pen….and write your thoughts down.

Body and Mind together, working. Both your friends.

I work through the steps of inquiry. Who would I be, remembering this relationship, having all those images flash by, remembering and re-feeling the feelings of fear, anger, confusion…if I no longer had the belief that the person in question was evil, sick, wrong, dangerous?

Who would I be without the thought that it was a waste of time, that something was wrong with me, that something was wrong with that other person?

Can I begin to find some examples of turning these big feelings around? Am I safe right now? Am I supported? Have I learned something?

Joan Tollifson, a wonderful teacher and author writes “I find the roots of Hitler-consciousness in my own mind whenever I think I know who is wrong, or who needs to be gotten rid of. And I also find the roots of Christ-consciousness in my own heart, at least occasionally. And I know which one of these two feels like poison, and which one feels like the deepest truth.”~ Awake In The Heartland

Self-inquiry is not about forcing yourself into Christ-consciousness of course, it is about looking deeply at the judgments, fears, pain and fury you experience. Making yourself wrong and trying to get ‘somewhere else’ is just the same energy, more subtle perhaps. Pushing, driving, demanding change.

As I move into my inquiry, I remember how I don’t know anything. I don’t know why all relationships went as they did. Why there was so much trouble and agony or weirdness.

I remember that I am the one creating drama, here in this moment, and I was there in that past dramatic production as well. I am the one who has been critical of myself, sick, angry, fearful.

“If there is anything-any person, any behavior any circumstance, any situation, any place, anything that you do not see as God, that’s where the work is.”~ Byron Katie

No, you don’t have to talk, live, contact, write, or in any way communicate with that person who triggered this thing in you. In fact, often, it’s wise not to, it is being kind to you.

But I hope you give yourself the gift of remembering that troubled relationship with some acceptance and peace, the gift of using the uncomfortable feelings to open your mind and heart. If I can do it, so can you.

Love, Grace

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They’re Leaving And It Hurts

One of the most painful experiences many humans have is when someone important in their life “leaves”.

A break-up of a primary relationship, moving away to live somewhere else, death.

If you are the one who is left, many excruciating thoughts can arise:

  • I must be worthy of being left
  • Life is sad
  • I did something wrong
  • I can’t stop thinking about them
  • I can’t make it on my own
  • I can’t be happy without this person
  • I will never find anyone like them
  • My heart is broken
  • I’m not good enough

The feelings generated as we feel the absence of someone we love, or even anticipate the absence, are huge grief, tension in our throats, stomach aches, sadness, tears, anxiety, fear.

We have images running through our minds of the person when they were happily by our side.

If only they would come back. THEN I will be happy.

In this state, the future looks bleak, the world seems uninviting, it feels like loss is around every corner…the absence, emptiness, grief.

As Byron Katie says….it’s all a big misunderstanding. We’re believing very painful thoughts (see list above) and we think this feeling won’t go away. We believe the thoughts are true.

Times like these are when it is most important to slow down and look, to be with the thoughts instead of trying to get away from them or distract yourself, smooth it over.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…”~Pema Chodron

So I question my thinking. I sit here. I do not pursue that person, I do not chase after the past, I do not go on autopilot thinking that I am sure that if the person was still here, I would again be happy.

This moment is not good enough, here, without that person in my life. Is that true? Are you sure that this very moment, you breathing, being here, living…are you sure that being here alone is not good?

Are you sure that you need that person here in order to be happy?

“When you lose something, you’ve been spared–either that or God is a sadist. How do I know I don’t need the money? It’s gone!”~Byron Katie

When my father died several decades ago, how was it that I was spared? I have looked back at that experience that felt so terribly sad with new eyes, especially when I first found the concept of questioning my thoughts.

What was an advantage of him leaving my life physically? What did that experience offer me?

I learned that I was very capable in my life. I had a job, a boyfriend, and earned my own money. I knew I had to give myself my own counsel in hard situations (my dad was so good at talking about feelings). I could remember how nurturing he was and be that way with me, and with others. I talked to him internally, and I knew what he would say back. I discovered that I could easily make it on my own, in life.

My dad gave me the gift of standing on my own two feet.

Now my 18 year old son is leaving for a new life at college. In fact, we’re packing the car and I’m driving him there today. He’s moving away.

How will this be a good and wonderful thing…this movement in life where now I will see someone I love less often, talk less, and he will have even more new experiences that I will never know about?

I trust that this happens at the most perfect time, for me. Reality is friendly. It moves and shifts. It opens up awareness to new possibilities, to a new pace of life for my son, for me.

I dreamed last night that I was about to give birth to a new baby, I was extremely pregnant, almost overdue, and waiting to go into labor any moment. I woke up knowing that even though I have something that I’m calling grief inside and imagine that I will miss my son, that this grief is also pure joy. The childhood part of my son’s life is over. It’s possible I won’t miss him.

Scott Kiloby says that the only thing that keeps natural love from flowing, is this thing that drops in called a Deficiency Story. Not enough. I need worth, specialness, validation, love from other people…because I myself am deficient. Life is deficient, sad things happen.

“Welcome pain. Be thankful for all these people who hurt you….Ask yourself what you think this person is mirroring back about you. Ask yourself what you think is wrong. Name it….See that it’s just a thought.”~Scott Kiloby

I watch my inner world with my absolutely amazing son who is grown up and moving now from here to there, and any little sadness inside, I identify what this thought is.

I discover I’m anticipating the future…I realize that coming back to this moment in the present it is beautiful. The sun is rising, the house is very quiet…my son is not in this room and there have been hundreds, thousands of mornings like this where there is no son present (even with him sleeping in another room).

I am very content with Reality, all is well, everything changes. I trust this life. I am ready to discover the advantages for sons moving away from their childhood homes, for mothers watching their children leave. Wow…I am already thinking of the advantages.

If you are in a situation where you can’t see advantages…wait. Let your mind come up with just one. Then see if you can find more. They will be there.

Arguing with any part of reality is painful. Surrendering to What Is, I am free.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Manifestation Attack of Not Enoughness

There has been much written and spoken about on “manifestation” in past decades. The latest ideas have been presented in videos like the Secret, a few years back.

If you think positive thoughts, you will manifest your dreams!

The Key Word there is: POSITIVE. Otherwise, you will manifest your NIGHTMARES!

If it was this simple of course, everyone with a dream of having something MORE or DIFFERENT would be forcing themselves to think positive thoughts all the time, to get what they want.

The thing is, we don’t always think positive thoughts. You may have noticed. And believing that you can FORCE yourself or make yourself think certain thoughts is very, very stressful.

Many people suffer deeply when their life situations are other than their dreams, when they don’t appear to “manifest” well enough or fast enough. Often, with this logic, people think they are doing something WRONG if what happens in their lives is losing everything, getting cancer, being single, going bankrupt, gaining weight, having a boring job…they are doing somethingwrong if they are manifesting trouble, pain, loss or difficulty.

Bad situation? It’s your fault!!

Now, not only are you facing something difficult and unexpected, frustrating, sad, agonizing or traumatic….you also manifested it yourself! You are just not good enough.

Ouch.

Manifestation is defined as “coming into sight”. Evident, palpable, clear, proven.

When we believe something is “true” it is often because we’ve found PROOF. We see evidence for it. Maybe 100 examples.

Oh look, I have no money in my bank account….this means that: I will starve, I will have nowhere to live, I am scared, I have no one to help me, I am selfish, I am stupid, I am unhappy, I will suffer….I must be thinking negative thoughts, I’m not good enough.   

I have found that the first thing that helps when in a difficult experience, or having strong and uncomfortable feelings about a situation, is to let the feelings and thoughts be here.

Putting up a fight against the terrible, uncomfortable, troubling feelings or situation generates resistance. It sort of boosts the WAR and conflict. Makes it louder.

Byron Katie calls it arguing with reality, arguing with what is. You lose, as she says, but only 100% of the time.

If we are investigating our thinking….then we actually want the thoughts to stay present, so we can see what they are. We don’t want to destroy them. We’re not against them.

“No matter what you manifest, you’ll find out that it’s not going to make you happy. You can manifest anything if you believe it. Does it have anything to do with happiness or well-being? Absolutely not!…Who cares if you manifest something or pay cold hard cash for it…DOESN’T MATTER! Don’t get suckered in. When you come into total harmony with the flow of your existence….you see what the universe is manifesting FOR you, not what YOU are manifesting.”~ Adyashanti   

So I remember, I’m not actually sure if I WOULD be happy if I “manifest” whatever I think would make me happy. That’s in the future, right? I have no idea what will happen in the next hour, really.

Instead, I stay with my situations, my troubles, my thoughts. I see them, I identify them. Now I can do The Work, now I can question my thinking.

Is this all really true? Is this really what having no money in my bank account MEANS? If a doctor says “you have cancer” does this really mean that I did something wrong, that I didn’t take care of myself, that I deserved this outcome, that I could have done better, or that this is horrible?

If I’m NOT manifesting thousands of dollars given, paid, directed, or offered to me does this mean that I’m thinking BAD THOUGHTS?

“You think the things that you could acquire in the future are going to make you happy. But your ego knows deep down that it’s all going to be taken away (but let’s not think about THAT–chuckle)……If you think that something WILL fulfill you, later, then it won’t. Because you are not fulfilled NOW. So let’s think about this moment…Let go of the future. You’re not going to find enlightenment there. It’s already here. And you are already it.”~Eckhart Tolle

Can I leave everything alone? Can I do nothing, let go, relax, rest. Is it possible that joy and peace are here?

It is amazing to realize that I may not need money, success, power, thinness, fame or health to be happy. WOW!

Even the thought that I can stop trying to get any of these things….that being present right here is enough. Being alive is enough. Nothing else necessary. No manifesting, no thinking or adding positive thoughts. Awareness. Thinking mind. Inquiry.

Why would the Universe make you Not Enough? If the Universe is Friendly, then you are enough. Right in your difficult situation…right now.

Love, Grace

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Indecisive People Are Successful

I love how there are a multitude of theories about decisions and what kind of things happen when people “make” them. I’ve written about this before, but revisiting it again today.

In the western culture, it appears that being decisive is applauded, at least based on what I’ve learned. People who are wishy-washy and who change their minds are indecisive and therefore untrustworthy. People who are decisive are efficient, clear, powerful, and good leaders.

The interesting thing about MAKING DECISIONS is that there is the thought that what I decide right now will change my future. I will become successful…or I will fail.

Those tough decisions in the past….there were some that turned out great, some that turned out not-so-great. I decided something, and my life turned in a different direction and I now see the result.

Both situations, looking at the future possibilities and the past results, are based in the mind.

Both are OUTSIDE of the present moment.

When I’ve made a past decision, or am thinking about a future decision that I think I need to make, I am analyzing the outcome. Going for the “best” result. I am thinking about what will make me happiest. I am also often believing that it’s possible to make a mistake, so I need to be careful.

It’s an anxious place to live. Or downright agonizing, painful, and hand-wringing. Pure torture.

What if this whole thing is not you, alone, creating the outcome? What if it is not YOU ALONE “making” this so-called decision? What if there are all kinds of forces of the universe, of life flowing in it’s amazing way….and what if all possibilities are friendly?

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say that I’m a woman without a future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future. All my decisions are made for me, just as they’re all made for you. When you mentally tell yourself the story that you have something to do with it, you’re attaching to an underlying belief.“~Byron Katie

Wow! Really?!

One of the most anxiety-producing beliefs is the concept “my future depends on making the right decision”. Equally painful is the belief “I made a terrible decision”.

Again, both of these thoughts are concerned with the future and the past.

I find that without believing these thoughts, I’m back in the present. I’m not concerned with worries that whatever I decide will be uncomfortable, difficult, or lead to disaster. Everything is so simple: I work with what is right here in this particular moment only, what feels loving, what feels easiest, what feels most in the flow of life.

If I un-do and question all that I’ve ever learned about decisions and people who make them, then I am at ground zero, a new innocent, fresh place. It’s like I just came from another planet and I’m not concerned with what is right or wrong.

 “It takes time to get used to operating from a whole different perspective. You have a decision to make, and your mind wants to know what the right decision is. But you realize that isn’t a relevant concern anymore because your framework for decision making has been conditioned. A “right decision” according to whom? One person’s “right” is another person’s “wrong.” If you’re not going to make decisions based on right and wrong or should and shouldn’t–which only exist in thought–then how do you move?”~Adyashanti

Just do one thing at a time. And wait. Let the universe support you. You don’t have to “know” what is right or wrong…in fact it may not be possible to know.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.”~Tao Te Ching #48

Love, Grace

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Everyone Is Welcome Here

Nearing the end of the summer term of classes, I am so filled with gratitude for all the amazing participants. I usually feel like having a group that lasts much longer…I so love the connections made.

People have a range of experiences during two months of weekly inquiry with a small group. Some have light bulbs popping right and left with awareness. Their actual interactions with people they know change. Their relationship with their own minds become different, they stop binge-eating all the time, or obsessing about food and their bodies, or fighting with their spouse, or constantly thinking they don’t have enough time or money.

Other people feel annoyed at the exercises, their situations, at doing inquiry. Impatient, despairing, not grokking it.

Every so often someone drops away and stops calling in to the classes. Even this does not always mean they left without finding it useful. I’ve known of people who just want to listen to the recordings, maybe over and over again, but not actually participate live on the call.

Everything is welcome. Every approach, every person, every belief.

Yesterday in our very last Money, Work and Business group we questioned the thought that if people knew EVERYTHING about me…that worst thing…then I would be humiliated.

I love realizing that humiliation only enters the room if I truly believe that what I’ve done MEANS I am horrible, worthless, the scum of the earth, “a worm”, as one honest participant said.

The amazing thing I love about the Work is that we can point the finger at someone else who we think of as having done something particularly shameful and humiliating, and then find out if we really, really think they are the scum of the earth once we’ve questioned our judgments about them.

Usually, we find it’s not that easy and simple. They have positive qualities. They were being themselves, doing the best they could. They had a lot of thoughts running through their minds, that were VERY painful and stressful. They didn’t stop to question “is it true?”

Once we do this inquiry and find that those monsters are not so horrific, our feelings that WE might be scummy worms fade away. We have a much, much greater capacity for accepting ourselves as we are, foibles and all.

Mistakes, reactions, compulsive behaviors, decisions we’ve made….they all become lighter stories.

The first place we begin with inquiry is to Knock On The Door of our own inner world. And go inside. Even if we think this is going to be a disgusting, stinking, putrid, god-awful nasty building, full of mean, nasty, horrible, disgusting thoughts.

We write down our most judgmental, critical, petty, childish, angry, despairing thoughts about whatever is going on, about those terrible people, about the world, money, food, God, the Universe, and then it’s there right in front of us on paper.

This is so hard for many people that they want to burn the paper just in case someone would find it. It’s scary to admit these judgments exist, and we suffer so badly just in thinking there is something rotten about us and how selfish and rude we are.

But exposing the thinking, and then sticking with it—turning the light on in that dark room—is the first step towards recognizing that peace is actually here already, inside us. We don’t have to go looking for it.

Gathering with others, we all reveal our most distressing thoughts. And then do The Work, asking what it’s like when we think this thought, exploring it in such detail. Letting it have its voice. We start to wake up from the dream of what we’ve been believing.

“The process is therefore one of recognition. We recognize that there is peace now, even if your mind is confused. You may see that even when you touch upon peace now, the mind is so conditioned to move away from it that it will try to argue with the basic fact of peace’s existence within you: “I can’t be at peace yet because I have to do this, or that, or this question hasn’t been answered, or that question hasn’t been answered, or so-and-so hasn’t apologized to me.”~Adyashanti

Peace is present right here, even in your sadness about your financial situation, your despair about the way you eat and what your body looks like, or the fury you feel when you’re with your mother.

Doing The Work with others, I know over and over again that I am not alone, that I am not weird or different or separate or extra messed up. I am a part of humanity and it is possible foranyone to love, accept, allow, to stay with what is.

Everyone is welcome here, on this planet, in my world. How do I know? Because they’re here.

Love, Grace

 

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They Can Do It Themselves—You Don’t Need To Help

I love how anything we tell a story about, anything difficult, painful or annoying… contains information about the story-teller.

We often LOVE looking with child-like innocence at the projection, the story, not at the one doing the projecting…..

Imagine being at a theater show for children, and notice how they believe everything told in the story. Even if it’s obvious to us as adults that a person in a bear costume is a human, not a bear, the kids think it’s a bear.

But we adults also envision what is being said and we think “it’s true!” We can be the same way in a movie, with tears streaming down our cheeks at a moving moment, even though we know the whole thing is made up.

When we start slowing the mind down and looking more closely at our thinking, we start to see in our own stories how it’s all about us, our own beliefs and attitudes, what we get drawn to, how we look at things, what we’ve scooped up and bought; hook, line and sinker.

We start to see that every single time we tell a story, there are holes in it where we can’t be 100% absolutely sure that our version of the story is the WHOLE TRUTH. The way we see money, family members, food, our bodies, neighbors, co-workers, colleagues….all have to do with clusters of thought that we’re thinking might be true, past experiences, gossip, what the people around us also believed.

If we question our own thinking enough, with open examination, and realize how subjective all stories are, then when we start to hear other peoples’ stories we can start to think “Man, that person should do The Work, they should question their thinking, they would be happier if they didn’t believe so resolutely that they’ve been a victim!”

Someone says “I don’t have enough money” or “I don’t have enough time” or “I don’t know enough” and they are sad, anxious or depressed….they talk about the terrible things that could happen since they don’t have enough.

Another person says “I hate political conservatives” or “this world needs to change” or “my boss is so annoying” or “the 1% are ruining the economy” and we get a sense of this person who is doing the talking…and we start to have some thoughts, you may have noticed.

Once we have started to question our own stories, we begin to see how that person over there who is suffering and telling their story is probably not seeing a whole, complete picture. They are believing painful thoughts and concepts.

You may be easily able to think about someone you know right now who is telling a tough, difficult, hurtful story to themselves. Notice what you are thinking about them:

  • they should stop taking their situation so seriously
  • they should stop complaining
  • they need nurturing, therapy, counseling, support
  • they should to The Work
  • they are too entrenched in their own story to find peace
  • they need to relax

The thing is, these are also judgments and stories ABOUT THOSE OTHER SUFFERING PEOPLE.

Doh!

I love how Byron Katie says, if you think someone else needs to do The Work, then YOU need to do The Work.

If I think my neighbor or my clients or my family members are in a terrible situation, that they can’t get out of it, that their story is horrendous and they really DO need intervention, some major miracle, or a labotomy….then I need to go back into my own story and question it.

“What really matters is always available to everyone. Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing has ever happened that didn’t need to happen. Bringing inquiry to people is my job. After that, there’s nothing to offer. I know that ultimately people don’t need my help. I go through the world helping people, it appears, and I’m only selfishly helping myself. When you say Help Me, I understand that. I’ve been there. but even if I could give you freedom, I wouldn’t do it. I love you too much for that. I leave your freedom to you. That’s the gift.”~ Byron Katie

Everyone is enough, everyone has all they need to find their way, to transform their stories. We may not know when or how, but everyone is on the perfect path. There they are, believing their thoughts, in our presence, so that we can question our OWN thinking.

“When the Master governs, the people are hardly aware that he exists. Next best is a leader who is loved. Next, one who is feared. The worst is one who is despised. If you don’t trust the people, you make them untrustworthy. The Master doesn’t talk, he acts. When his work is done, the people say ‘Amazing: we did it, all by ourselves!'”~Tao te Ching #17

Those people close to you who are suffering….they need to know they can do it all by themselves. They are trustworthy.

I do not need to say the right and perfect thing, to plead, argue, talk, recount, explain. All I need to do is govern myself well, do my own work.

I heard the word “co-dependent” growing up, since it was popular then. Now I understand how not to be. Trust that person to take care of their own life….because they can.

Love, Grace

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Her Voice Is Excruciating

Very recently I re-read the first few chapters of Loving What Is by Byron Katie for a class.

In the Introduction of the book, a woman is sitting with Katie, doing The Work on her husband.

One of the woman’s thoughts she has about her husband: I hate the way he breathes.

Hilarious! So perfectly childish, petty, and yet the kind of thought most of us have had in our lifetimes that has left us feeling annoyed, unhappy, definitely NOT peaceful.

Having a stressful thought means that I think the thought, it passes into my mind, and almost instantly I believe it’s true, then I have uncomfortable, difficult, troubling feelings or responses of any kind. Even these silly, babyish thoughts about people and their breathing.

This reminded me that I know one person whose voice is annoying….like annoying enough that I cringe at the sound sometimes.

When I ask myself what that’s about, there are many meanings I attach to that voice. It’s too nicey-nice, it’s fakey, it’s false, the person is needy, there is no range, it’s controlled, the words are too slow, patronizing. All of these beliefs come out of that voice, or vice versa.

The woman working with Katie really was upset with her husband for being needy, not being aware, not being powerful, for being dependent, out of shape. These are all the thoughts located inside this woman—they are not true for those of us listening, we don’t even know this man who is her husband. But we’ve had the same kinds of thoughts.

If that person is needy, then I’m outta here! Gross! I resist being open to them, even physically in my body I brace ever so slightly against the sound of their voice, their breathing.

We start proving all the moments are true that show how needy, powerless, and dependent those people are. Building up the story of those messed up needy people over there.

So….to turn things around and look at ourselves, this is the great self-inquiry. Can I see that right in that moment that I’m wishing that person wasn’t so needy that I am needing them to change? They need to stop acting needy, and then I won’t feel so frustrated.

I am trapped, in that moment, in waiting for that person to change so that I can be happy. Very hopeless, very impossible, random, unknown, a roll of the dice whether they can make the change or not. And I am 100% in need of that person to make the first move.

This is called being a victim. My mind is full of what THEY need to do so that I can be excited, thrilled, happy, safe, comfortable, loving, peaceful.

What if they will never, ever change and the only person who could change is you, from the inside out? There they are, doing what they do, being themselves (breathing and speaking) and now I get to work with how to be truly stress-free in their presence.

Reality is, that person presents themselves in the world in that way. I can argue with the way they are, or stop arguing and see what that would be like, for a change.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality…..When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”~ Byron Katie

Think about something very small but irritating in your world, something you see that you feel annoyed with. It doesn’t have to be a huge, major, difficult dilemma in life (although painful thinking of every kind can be taken to inquiry).

Now what if you didn’t believe it was true that it should change, so you can feel better?

“The generals have a saying: ‘Rather than make the first move it is better to wait and see. Rather than advance an inch it is better to retreat a yard.’ This is called going forward without advancing, pushing back without using weapons. There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~ Tao te Ching #69

Do you think there will be greater change if you enter the room hating that person’s breathing and the sound of their voice, and believing they are needy?

Or, if you enter the room NOT knowing, seeing with different eyes, being open to the beauty in that human being, being open to how much you actually care about them?

If that breathing-annoying-voiced person offered you a path to peace (and they do, because they apparently show up and throw you out of peacefulness) then you would sit with their image in your mind, you would ask yourself questions about what you are really believing is dangerous about them.

Even if you felt sick to your stomach, you would not underestimate this person, thinking of them as absolutely 100% incapable of peace, evil. You would see them as worthy, and by this, you would see yourself as worthy as well.

You are worthy of yielding. You are worthy of going forward without advancing, without using weapons (including verbal attack). Worthy of questioning how, why, when you feel threatened by someone’s breathing or voice. Are you absolutely sure you can’t wait and see?

“Defense is the first act of war” ~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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When Saying Goodbye Is Kind

One of my favorite experiences in looking at myself from the inside out, using The Work and other self-inquiry, has been to say NO.

  • No, I am not able to talk with you right now
  • No, I love that you asked, and the answer is no
  • No, I do not want to meet with you
  • No, I’m not going to pay that price or give that amount of money
  • No, I don’t want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you
  • No, thank you for offering, I’m not hungry/thirsty/tired/sleepy/etc
  • No, I don’t want to live here

Recently a wonderful reader and inquirer wrote in about how life-changing it was for her to move away from painful relationships she once had. I love that she had this experience of freedom.

Sometimes people will think that to do The Work or open to all possibilities for peace, that the response is passive.

If I do The Work and I love-what-is then I will lie down on the ground and people will step over me or kick me or forget about me….

Loving What Is means I love everything? I’d be floating around in a war zone and not even know it, thinking that all the bombs, explosions, blood, death or torture were loveable. That would be dangerous! Crazy!

But doing The Work or inquiring deeply on our internal war-like thinking does not mean to suffer through difficult experiences and keep quiet, stay, or force yourself to do something you really don’t want to do. That is not peaceful.

Doing The Work is not creating a passive life, where there is no action or movement. In fact, I have found that doing The Work offers greater loving power than I ever thought possible.

I remember once having a client come see me who reported that he was bipolar, needed medication for anxiety, had a history of seeing many, many therapists, and wanted a discount and insurance coverage.

I knew I was not the counselor for him. I was not able to prescribe medications even though I knew a lot about them, I don’t offer insurance coverage, and unlike most people I encounter, I didn’t have the feeling deeply that I was the right person or that I even felt drawn to him. This was unusual. I knew to say “no”.

In the past, I’ve had two romantic interests where despite an attraction, I also felt discourse, unrest, lack of peace, confusion and neediness. It would start with a feeling that the person I was interested in should feel better, be happier….I had a longing for their healing.

I would see the beauty in that person, how funny they were, how generous or kind they wanted to be at all times, and how they weren’t able to be for some reason. My love would help them! They even said so!

I discovered by doing The Work that I loved being the patient, loving, thoughtful, calm, kind person. By comparison to their personal behavior or agony, I looked really good. Conscientious, generous, even-keeled, very accepting.

But while I may have looked like I was patient, kind, and accepting with that person, I was not that way with myself.

One of the most obvious and dramatic examples of this is when someone is in a relationship with a person who hits them, or breaks things, or yells all the time, or says mean or vicious things often……and the person who receives the blow does not leave.

This is really not kind, to YOU. Saying “no” is what is perfect when you say “yes” to being kind to yourself. In fact, the person who has done the hitting may even feel relieved, calmer, more peaceful and kinder. Which is what you really want, right?

Loving your “enemies”, loving what is, does not mean I stay in the presence of everyone who has been violent. In fact, I do the Work, on my own, with paper and pen and a facilitator. (I personally find it essential to have a person facilitate me when it’s a repetitive experience or issue that feels big and confusing).

I meet my own mind and my own opposing thoughts, I am free to come and go, to say yes and no, to be in or out of the presence of other humans when that choice is offered.

“When you question what you believe, the mind is free, and it’s no longer at war with itself. And it’s unlimited–genius is an understatement…..
Are you taking care of yourself? Or are you taking care of him as a trade-off so that he will think well of you?”~Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Once a great friend told me she loved asking herself the question “what would kindness do?” Many of us immediately think about what would be most kind for everyone else around us.

This means to ask it first of yourself, as you are the only person you can most deeply attend to. And if you are honestly kind to yourself, then you will be kind to the people around you.

Saying “no” to interaction with someone may be very kind. There may be someone better for them to connect with who is much more suited to the task.

“When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

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Sick, Crazy, Insane Thoughts

Many of us have thoughts enter our minds which actually attack other thoughts:

  • what I am thinking is sick!
  • I must be crazy—he/she/they must be crazy
  • I can’t stand my own mind
  • if I didn’t have this mind, my life would be much better
  • my mind is a cesspool
  • I should be able to stop all this chaos in my head
  • where is the OFF switch?

It’s an all-out war on our own thinking process. An entirely internal argument.

When we make grand sweeping statements like this many of us get tired, depressed, angrier, and wish we were someone else. We start to want to have some big shift of consciousness, some kind of enlightenment, to take us out of this battle field!

But what if we just take one of these thoughts and treat it with some respect. Instead of having such judgments about the actual thinking process we’re in, what if we softened and spent some time looking, like a loving, patient parent perhaps.

Who would you be without the thought that your mind is a cesspool?

Phew, it’s hard to even begin seeing who I’d be. My mind is so speedy quick and the thoughts churn out a million miles per hour.

But really, if I didn’t have the thought that this “thinking” is wrong, bad, annoying, or crazy? I would feel relief. I would also instantly step out of the “thinking” and be able to watch it from a different vantage point.

I would feel this part of me that is an observer, looking and open, without judgment.

Curious, fascinated, interested. Ready to be here for myself. Not so overwhelmed. Trusting that I am the one who can handle this mind, since I’m the one here with it.

“I haven’t met a sick, crazy thought in years. Thoughts are like children–they’re the beloved. They’re children. They’re screaming to be heard, and they scream and scream and scream. And we shut them up; we send them away; we push them under; we deny them, we try to pretend that they’re not there. So when we bring them into the light….and we question them and turn them around, then the children begin to get quiet.”~ Byron Katie

Now, imagine being with a person you know or have known in the past who you have thought of as crazy, sick or insane. You’ve treated them as dangerous, uncomfortable, mean, selfish. You have judged them as someone you need to get away from.

What if you could be with that person without wanting to attack them, push them away, deny them their voice, shut them up, or pretend they are not there? What if you didn’t move away from them so quickly, or decide to “end” your relationship with them forever?

I notice there is something beyond fear, worry, or terror that knows all is well with that person, and all is well with me. I surrender. I allow it all.

Everyone has their path in life, and some paths look crazier than others, more extreme and more painful. The more compassion I have for my own mind, I notice the closer I can get to every kind of human being, even people experiencing extreme suffering, people who appear really nuts.

When I am kind, when I am willing to be with myself in a loving way, all people I encounter are welcome in my company.

Byron Katie suggests that being with that person we consider the “enemy” can be like sitting at the feet of a true guru. This is my great moment of undoing the part of me that has to be right, that feels so vulnerable, that has to assert itself.

So can I sit with my enemies and open to them? Can I sit with my own mind and open to it, without all the judgment, defense, analysis and war?

This starts by questioning my thoughts.

“Do we see an enemy?  If so, then we are not seeing things in their true light and are part of the problem we are trying to solve.…..There is nothing wrong with thought and it can be used whenever necessary.   But in every moment you can choose to follow your thoughts or you can recognize that which is not thinking.  Don’t try to stop thinking, let it happen.  Just recognize that which is not thinking.”~ Adyashanti

Don’t try to stop those people out there who are not behaving or saying or being how we would like, just recognize that you are not seeing them in their true light.

You can see them in their true light. Part of this amazing universe, part of your world. Here for an important reason, to bring out love beyond all fear.

We can all love those people and that nutty thinking inside ourselves, unconditionally. You may notice…..they get quieter, more manageable, and they scream less.

Love, Grace