The practice of arguing is interesting to dissect. What is “arguing”?
An argument, it seems, has an analytical feel to it, weighing pros and cons….and yet often, it becomes very full of feeling and passion. An urgency enters the scene, there is a “right” and a “wrong” and we have to break down all the elements and explore.
The definition of “arguing” in Webster’s dictionary is to prove or disprove something, to give evidence for or against, to dispute.
If I am arguing, I may believe that my position is threatened. I need to speak up, to convince, to make a case for what I want and make sure it’s HEARD.
I am worried that I may not get what I want. I may be nervous, frustrated, uncomfortable, anxious. These feelings are not so intellectual. They don’t seem to be objective. They aren’t just “exploring” like when someone is dissecting a frog in biology class.
The outcome is extremely important. It is critical. I must win. Or else I will lose! And losing is TERRIBLE!!
So let’s say I am with my spouse and we are both hungry, and it sounds like a good idea to both of us to eat a meal. I say “let’s go out for dinner” and my partner says “let’s cook at home”.
I want this, the Other wants that.
If I am attached to me getting what I want (and this does NOT mean that I suddenly become Against Attachment in order to get there) I become stressed.
What is your usual experience when this kind of moment happens?
Let’s say the stakes are higher, and someone has robbed you. You’ve lost something, and it’s THEIR fault. You argue for justice. You feel angry, betrayed, wronged.
I once hired someone where I paid $1500 at the beginning for the work that would be done. The communication was poor, the emails few and far between (they didn’t respond when I sent questions) and I was shocked to discover that when I thought we were about 25% along to completion of the project, they considered the project to be done.
When I expressed my unhappiness and confusion, they did not offer money back, they emailed a 2 page single-spaced document of legalese and their language seemed stark, defensive, and final.
I decided to cut my losses, the biggest loss I’ve ever taken in a business transaction, and learned a huge lesson in getting far more information at the beginning about peoples’ expectations. Doh! The exact same work I’ve hired people for since has been far more satisfying and wonderful.
I saw that I myself was a participant in non-communication at the very beginning. I trusted them only because of how I got the referral. I didn’t even ask for a list of what would be included in this work. My bad.
Today in our Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass, we looked at our painful experiences where we believed that we compromised ourselves in an exchange with someone. The other person got what they wanted, and we didn’t.
The belief was “I have to compromise to maintain peace”. I have to acquiesce to keep the peace, to have calm. I have to NOT get what I want for things to go smoothly. I am afraid of what would happen if I am truly honest.
The way most of us described our reactions to this belief was that we felt resentful, deflated, drained, weak, enraged, despairing, hopeless. No peace. The compromise, as it turns out, led to war, internally. And the feeling of being a door mat.
So let’s apply this to the bottom-line invitation that Byron Katie and many other teachers offer us because of their own insights: stop arguing with reality.
There I am with my beloved partner, and we both have stated that we want to eat in completely different places. If I am not arguing with reality, I am feeling what it is like for everyone to have a preference in this moment. I am not against either myself or my partner expressing what is true for ourselves.
If I am not arguing with reality I don’t actually jump ahead into the future, I am not afraid of the outcome, thinking that I won’t get what I want or that there will be no resolve. I am not attacking either the other, or me. I am not hiding my inner feelings in a hole so they can’t see them.
Every possibility of what could happen can be born. I can go to the restaurant by myself with a good book, I can join my partner at home, I can ask very clearly and directly for what I want. I can hear clearly what my partner wants. There is a thread of joy running through the entire dance. My thoughts about what I want can change in 2 seconds. I am not afraid.
I do The Work on that business situation. I can let loose the grip of the “lost” $1500 and see how much I gained by paying that money. I paid for an important lesson that I may not have learned any other way. I now open to conversations with every single one of my own customers or clients when they are not satisfied with what they’ve hired me for. These conversations are incredible. My business has improved and grown from these by leaps and bounds.
Recently, I read something by a famous trial lawyer who won many arguments in his successful career. He said he had on his door “please, argue with me”.
He said he learned the joy of arguing with respect and curiosity. What he explained was that he wanted to hear what we were feeling, say what was our honest truth in the moment.
He said not to compromise or squelch yourself. Enjoy the engagement. No defense, no plan to demolish or “win”. AND no strategy to slink out, clam up, shut yourself down.
Be with me, tell me your preferences, bring all of yourself here! Peace is possible through this process, this conversation! No one has to do anything they don’t want to do in order to “keep the peace”.
It seems that the Universe would say the same thing. Please, argue with me. In fact, it seems like that is the way of it. You will learn, you will see, you will become aware, you will be amazed, you will wake up. I love you, says the universe! BE YOU. Be not afraid. And if you are, it’s OK…say so and stay here with me in the argument.
I am here apparently as some kind of life form (apparently a human), a part of reality, and in my communication with this Friendly Universe (even if it looks like a bad business transaction) I win. In my openness to not minding what happens and really being genuinely myself, I win. In respecting every tiny part of what enters my reality, including my partner’s different desires, I win. In exposing what I am most afraid of, I win.
“When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.” ~Tao Te Ching #69
Love, Grace
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here! Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.
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