Right before I went on “vacation” someone sent me a note that appeared to say they were unhappy with something I had done. I didn’t know what. Couldn’t think of anything, even though my mind would return to trying to guess (that little part of the mind hates Not Knowing).
In the past, if I had received a note and it didn’t appear favorable (or maybe even if it DID appear favorable, honestly)…I may not have been able to sleep. It was basically the same kind of sentence on paper as when someone says “Grace, we need to talk”.
OMG we need to talk!? Adrenaline rush. What? Is there something wrong? What did I do? Are you mad at me?
It sounded like this person would contact me later, after I returned. FEAR arose. The beliefs come alive: I hurt someone’s feelings, I made someone uncomfortable. I have to be nice at all times (even if it means lying). I shouldn’t cause upset. Ever. Anywhere.
The key for me is that last thought “it is bad if someone appears to be upset by something I have done”.
Instead of leaving, distracting myself, or worrying, I knew it was time to do The Work. With self-inquiry, I notice that I can get excited about possibilities, curious, open, available. I know that I can be interested in other peoples’ perspectives.
My stressful beliefs: I hurt someone’s feelings, I made them uncomfortable, they don’t like something I did or said, they are too critical, I should never make anyone uncomfortable, there is someone very nervous or sensitive out there. I have to fix it. It will be weird if I run into that person.
As I enter into questioning these beliefs, and see what it’s like to have them, I notice that my mind gets all fired up.
My brain goes into over-drive trying to sort through memories of what I might have done that would be upsetting.
For many of us, we may imagine we’ve done something wrong because of the look someone gave us, the slight sigh or deep breath someone took after we spoke.
Someone might say they didn’t like the movie we just went to see, and we might feel bad because we insisted on that movie choice.
When I believe I’ve done something wrong, I start apologizing right and left, in my very core, energetically. I try to make up for it, or plan to make up for it soon. I feel sick.
Who would I be without the thought that I’ve hurt someone, done something wrong, that I’ve made someone uncomfortable in the past…and they may be ready to retaliate, hurt me, get revenge, or abandon me?
Without these thoughts I am here reviewing images in my mind of situations in which I have clearly said things that hurt other people. I am remembering moments where people reacted to me. It feels way more simple, no fear, relaxed, just watching and reviewing.
Who would I be without that thought that ANYONE has done ANYTHING WRONG? Including me. Who would I be without the thought that getting that note means something bad?
What if nothing “wrong” has happened? Who would you be?
I would be relaxed. Breathing. Looking at the people in my mind with acceptance and care. Not knowing… only being.
“Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men doesn’t try to force issues or defeat enemies by force of arms. For every force there is a counterforce. Violence, even well intentioned, always rebounds upon oneself. The Master does his job, and then stops….Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~Tao Te Ching #30
When I do The Work, I am giving attention to my inner world and my running, judgmental, worried mind. I am not trying to force an issue or defeat an enemy.
I turn around this worry about having done something wrong: Since I’ve upset someone, something good will happen. Something will get healed or balanced. There is opportunity for peace right here in this situation. I can let things unfold and I will find out what this note meant at the perfect time.
I love seeing that my mind was about to have a heart attack because a piece of paper had words on it that said someone needed to contact me later to talk.
Even the tiniest inner violence towards someone results in a counter-violent rebound. This “violence” can be in the most subtle form of living with the thought “I caused someone to be upset (and it’s terrible).”
I turned the thought around as I did The Work right there on vacation next to a swimming pool. It’s just as true that something wonderful is happening, not scary. Someone is wanting to express themselves, to express a concern. They are engaging with me, making contact with me…it’s fabulous. This is all very exciting. Curious. Appropriate. A moment to surrender.
We need to talk. Fantastic. What interesting news will unfold? I look forward to it! It is just as true that all is well. Truer. And I notice, with that…I’m back to totally enjoying the present moment.