One of the most important people anyone can do the Work on, it seems, is Mother. Whether our mother was around a lot when we were young, or not, the thoughts about our experience of our own mothers are extensive, repetitive, and often NOT original.
You may notice that even just considering your mother, you feel deflated, bored, or irritated.“Not that topic again, I’ve worked on her enough…I’ve handled that relationship…too late now.”
Perhaps it’s true that you’ve already considered a great deal around your mother, and softened or accepted her presence in your life, and the fact that it’s over.
But whatever is unresolved may also come bite you in the butt, to put it mildly.
Like when I agreed to participate in a project in my community to assist a certain population in need and bring my talents at helping people in addictive cycles to overcome them. This was a few years ago.
Someone else also participating in the project, it turned out, DROVE ME NUTS. She reminded me of my mother. My childhood mother, the mother of my projections (who no longer actually exists). This is not the way I currently experience my actual living mother, but this woman triggered me like no one else had in a long time.
She made me want to SCREAM.
- she hovers over me like a helicopter
- she should stop looking at me, focusing on me
- she should stop being so happy, nicey-nice, and fake Martha Stewart
- she should stop handing out cards, presents and trinkets to everyone all the time (gag)
- she should stop peppering me with personal questions
- she is insecure! fishing for compliments!
- she is too sensitive
- she shouldn’t talk about me behind my back
- SHE SHOULD STOP COMPLAINING
Sometimes when physically approaching a meeting with all the project leaders, I would feel like my face would look like I smelled something bad. And I wasn’t even in the same room with her yet.
Now that is some reaction! Hmmmm, could something interesting be going on, I wonder?
I knew it was time to take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. And answer every single question, very slowly, very carefully.
First of all, what was actually upsetting me? (See list above to begin with). Why should someone else, behaving in just that way, be so incredibly irritating? What was frightening me? I knew I only got riled up like this when I was scared.
I found I was very frightened of her judgments. I heard her complaints and comments about other people and it made me nervous. I was on alert. I got quiet around her. I felt like she was watching my every move with hyper-critical attention. I could be condemned, advised, ordered, or pushed at any second. I could make a mistake.
Gosh. Who did that sound like, something was so familiar. OH! That would be me. Just part of me, mind you, that VOICE. The mean one.
Next, what did I really WANT from this woman? What did I NEED from her in order to be happy? This is key to the process. What do I really think I want or need from that person TO BE HAPPY?
I needed to be able to trust her. To know she cared about me. I wanted her to like me, to be kind, to stop saying cruel things or mean things about other people (which only meant she could say them about me). I wanted her to stop calling other various people “bad” people or “evil” people. She was saying disparaging things about the people we were trying to help.
The thing is….I clammed up, shut down, started judging her like crazy. It was like a huge alarm was going off with blinking red lights in an office building, huge, crushing, ear-splitting sounds.
But the I did The Work. She should tell me directly what she is concerned or upset about. She should stop complaining. She should tell the truth. Turned around: I should tell her directly what I am concerned or upset about. I should stop complaining about her. I should tell the truth.
With a beating heart and red face and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I asked her if I could talk with her privately one day after a meeting. You would think someone just announced that a war had broken out and we all needed to get to safety ASAP.
I told her how I felt, and I apologized for my part if I had bothered her.
She looked at me with suspicion. She said something like “well, we’ll see”. She appeared disapproving. There was a long uncomfortable silence.
That was when I learned that there can be no expectation of outcome when questioning deeply help beliefs.
She should now be kind and open, since I’ve spilled my guts? No. She should be cool now and chill out? No.
This work is for the love of Truth. And for discovering that NO ONE HAS TO CHANGE ANYTHING in order for YOU to be happy.
Even your mother.
Love, Grace