Tag: mother

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Mothers and our eating: is it their fault?

This is a little controversial.

Our mothers.

Don’t they have rather a lot of influence on our lives?

(Ahem).

When it comes to eating, food, and body image, mother soften have passed along a story that’s quite intense about food, cooking, serving others food, eating, body shapes and what they should be.

They learned, just like we did, what was acceptable, good, perfect, or successful.

And they showed us.

Sometimes, they showed us very well indeed. 

It’s quite profound, however, to be the one who questions any painful story you’ve heard, or learned, or thought….when it comes to mother.

Here’s a story that may surprise you about my mother, and what I felt when she said “I’m so proud of you”.
I wasn’t happy.

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Much love,

Grace

 

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Where did some key eating woes begin? Do this exercise and see.

We all know the way we think is influenced by the reality we noticed happening around us, often from an early age.

Even if it’s in the long-ago past, we remember. Sometimes it’s in the file cabinet in our mind without even being super conscious of it, and locked away with a key.

What does this have to do with eating?

Well just like any behavior, many ways we’re influenced appear to start really early in our lives, as we experience the world.

We absorb what’s appearing around us, often without question.

It just becomes “this is the way it is.”

I certainly had this when it came to food and eating, and body image. Thoughts and beliefs appeared in my consciousness that I heard, observed, picked up from those around me: mom, dad, grandparents, peers.

So what did your mother, your father, or other important adults believed about food, body image or eating when you were a kid?

What was your dinner time like? What was happening at the dinner eating event? Who was talking, who was eating, who was cooking? What were people feeling?

Remember well, and notice the beliefs, the ideas, the concepts present around food and the emotional life of your experience in that moment.

Sometimes the awareness of what happened around eating in your earliest memories brings unexpected clarity.

 

Why do this exercise?

Because when we identify the thinking, the mindset, the characters, the feelings that were pouring out around that typical eating event….we can then inquire more deeply into what’s really true for us now.

We can actually change the foundation we’ve built some of our behaviors on, by turning the way we’re seeing around.

It’s such a huge relief.

And it’s important work. You have to know what you think in order to dissolve it, right?

Try this exercise this week. Take a look at what you came to know, or be aware of in your early life with eating.

The most important place to begin?

Mother.

You were nurtured by your mother’s body from the very start, in the simple process of becoming human.

When we identify our thoughts about beliefs about mothering, our unique experiences of mother, we can begin our self-inquiry.

Self-inquiry leads to freedom, in every way.

“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.” ~ Byron Katie

I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I ate, I fretted, I over-exercised, I under and over-ate, I binged, I dieted, I hated my looks.

So let’s see what these suffering-inducing thoughts are.

Much love,

Grace

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Are you playing the game “pass it on”?

fooretreatOld memories. Scenes from childhood. Flashes of color, sound, movements. Feelings.

We all have these kinds of memories. Even if you’re one of those folks who says “I can’t rememberanything from my childhood.”

You still might have pictures floating through your mind’s eye of mother, father, grandma, great grandfather, first grade classroom, best friend, doll house, TV show, sister, brother, cousin, chicken pox, Narnia, pet.

But it’s true, the mind can’t really remember exactly what happened, or even see it with crystal clarity.

How do we work with foggy old scenes and memories? And why would we want to in the first place?

Well….no one has to go back in time that far, especially if you just don’t have a clear picture anyway….

….but one thing I noticed while doing The Work for awhile was I got a feeling within when thinking about family, or places I lived, or the walk to school.

Sometimes very pleasant, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes….

….awful.

Now, we know with The Work, the first step is to identify a moment in time, a situation filed in the mind, where something happened that was unpleasant, uncomfortable, or really distressing.

This invitation isn’t new with The Work.

There’s wisdom in revealing, unearthing, seeing, looking directly at the things that frighten us. Humans have done it for decades, maybe centuries, as we’ve examined suffering, love, and peace, and life’s meaning. There’s even power in telling a story, and having it heard by others (especially without trying to solve it).

The awesome thing about The Work is….looking at the story in such a deep way, you’re able to question your assumptions.

Why is this so powerful?

Because sometimes, those assumptions are not true.

Yes, the event happened. Yes, those people said those mean words. Yes, it was so unbelievably difficult, your heart broke into a million pieces. Yes, you felt loss.

But THEN what happened?

What I noticed is, I’d make conclusions about the Whole of Life because of what my dad said, or how my mom acted.

I didn’t stop to question the truth-for-all-time.

Guess what happens when you assume that the way reality exists around you MEANS the WHOLE world is like this?

You suffer.

At least I sure did.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up men’s feelings really easily. Grown up men are kind, loving, sad and depressed. They seem really sweet when they wear wire-rimmed glasses and read lots of books. Tread lightly around men, though, they could easily be sad and needy.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up women’s feelings really easily. Grown up women are caring, involved, give orders, don’t take no for an answer, and have high and very intense standards. Make sure you pay attention to what they want, and give it to them. Otherwise, they’ll write you off, or get very angry.

Just a couple of examples.

It seemed like my mind could generalize like nobody’s business.

I was swimming in the influence of the people immediately around me, and then started having contact with others of course, and adding to the files of “What Life Contains”.

Without any questioning, you can go on being careful forever.

When I lived like that, I always had to find my little hidey hole, like a tiny crab, and put up a few walls around me so I was safe.

It was a lot of work.

It resulted in lots of anxiety if anything appeared in my reality that was unusual. It resulted in lots of running away from people who scared me, or not saying “no” or “yes” clearly to others or myself. It resulted in lots of compulsive behavior like overeating and isolating. It resulted in lots of trying to find answers for how to feel peaceful in life.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

The honest truth is there is no Always Peaceful All The Time on the human level for most of us. Right?

If a big loud bang happened right now, my eyes would suddenly jump from my laptop, I’d go open the front door and look outside, my heart might race, my mind would wonder what was going on?

If I was on the deck of the Titanic and it was going down, I’d probably be trying to find something to float on.

But who would I be without the belief that what I’ve experienced in this story of life….

….means “be careful” or “this is forever sad” or “I can’t get over it” or “death” or “all is lost permanently” or “this is the way it is and it’s horrible” or “Emergency!!!!!”?

Who would I be without my story, without the story of my history?
What if I went back to my old original founding stories, and imagined that whatever has happened, anything at all (but especially anything frightening), is not totally intolerable, or a warning of what is to be avoided, or what could be worse?
Who would I be without one thought from the past, just one thought at a time?
I notice it doesn’t mean I SHOULD be without any thoughts (this would be another interpretation or assumption that would be somewhat disappointing)….
….it just means I’m not entirely overrun by my mind, and “thinking”, and the sad or scary story I am so sure is true.
I’m free to Not Know.
What if what happened with the people around me when I was really little, with a mind gathering information and making comparisons, and filing Safety Rules….
….was not such a sad, terrible, difficult, horrible story?
What if I could turn it around, with this brilliant thinking mind, and use my imagination to see benefits, or support, or love, or silence, or that I’m still alive?
I have found questioning these ancient stories, some of them go back to ways of being that existed before my family. My mother’s parents, my father’s parents, and their parents before them….
….all kept saying “watch out” and “be careful” and “life is horrible”….
….”pass it on”.
What if I could stop passing it on, by questioning these stories?
It doesn’t have to be so big, either.
Just one thought at a time.
“No one told me there was a way out, short of death. I thought you had to die of this body to get out of this….Think about the torture your mind has been sometimes, and there’s no way out. These people who kill themselves, they have no other way of dealing with it. And for me, when I had no other way of dealing with it, it looked like an act of mercy…And I came to see through questioning my mind that there’s a whole other way out. So I really stayed with it, and I found my way out.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story
 
If you want to question your stories, especially about the past, we’ll be doing it in October right where I live and work in northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage (named by my friends when I moved in).
 
It may be easier than you think.
Four days. Learn more about it here.
Much love,Grace
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A Mother’s Grip On Reality

My kids are driving me bonkers!  

A mom in Summer Camp Telecalls recently reminded me of my own early mom days. She wanted them to quiet down, so she could do The Work.

Kind of hilarious, the energy that wells up….“Be Quiet! I’m trying to question my thinking over here! JEEZ!”

When I had two very young ones, I was beyond thrilled to have these two amazing kids in my life. In fact, I was pretty blown away by the miraculous and bizarre way we all arrive here on planet earth.

But their presence in my world was also like a match that lit up whole entire inner buildings full of belief-systems about parenting, what “good” moms do, what “good” kids do, what “good” dads do, how kids should turn out.

I need to make sure these two kids feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Right?

That means I should never be driven bonkers by them. I should be patient, kind, gentle and wise at all times.

24/7

In case you haven’t noticed…..it’s impossible.

But if you do The Work and question your thinking, you may be way more “sane” than you could ever dream of when it comes to your kids.

So let’s go.

Is it true that you should be a perfect mom, that it’s your job to support their confidence, success, and happiness in life?

If they aren’t happy….or if they bug you….do you really think it means that there’s something wrong with your parenting?

Well, no. I know there aren’t any perfect moms.

How do you react when you think you need to be the one who inspires and creates success and happiness in your kids’ lives….and they sometimes look pretty upset?

I feel anxious, sad, worried. Wondering how their future will turn out. Playing out future possibilities.

Not staying right here in the present.

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that you need to help them, support them, make sure they know they are valuable, happy, safe, comfortable?

Whew. Now that is a relief.

Lots of moms and dads will think that if they let go of the belief that they are responsible for their kids, they won’t even care.

They’ll be neglectful, and wrong.

But can you know that this is even true?

“How do you react when you believe the thought that you need to protect your children, and in reality they’re perfectly fine without your protection?….You got through your difficulties, so what leads you to believe that they aren’t at least as capable and courageous as you are? What leads you to believe that they have fewer survival skills than you do?” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: I’m driving myself bonkers! I need to make sure I myself feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Because I am, and so are you.

Every human is worthy, safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

We can feel this for ourselves. We don’t need a mother or father to tell us…..not really.

“A mother’s grip on reality is a wonderful thing.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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She Doesn’t Like Me

It was Saturday night, a lovely spring evening in north Seattle. My sixteen year old daughter (by 2 days) had asked to attend the local high school musical production of the long-time favorite Music Man.

I bought two tickets just for the two of us to attend together.

Here are a few things I heard during the course of the evening. They set off a few stressful thoughts inside me:

  • Mom, is that what you’re wearing?
  • This concessions line is waaaaaay too long, I’m not waiting
  • Stop staring at those people!
  • Why didn’t you say Hi to her?
  • Don’t lean so close to my face to tell me something!

I was sure there was a constant stream of criticism.

Now that I read my own list, I see basic, simple communication.

Direct, blunt, to the point. No dilly-dallying around. Refreshing really.

But that night, after the last comment “Don’t lean so close to my face!” I dramatically leaned in the opposite direction, folded my arms across my chest, sitting in my chair, and pointedly looked only directly ahead at the stage.

Yes, it was that mature.

I noticed her sweet face turning towards me several times, out of the corner of my eye, looking to see how or what I might be thinking or feeling, perhaps.

But I didn’t look at her for a couple of minutes!

She doesn’t like me!

That was my painful thought. I know this is true because she’s critical, she has a tone, she tells me I’m too close, she doesn’t want to wait in line with me.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of my favorite professors said during a graduate school lecture when I was newly pregnant with my first child:

The secret to being a good parent? Be willing to be hated.

In that little tantrum moment where I pulled back and clammed up I was NOT willing to be hated.

She HAD to have a positive, wonderful opinion of me.

Yikes.

This thought has also entered my internal world with other people. God forbid anyone to have distaste for me, be repulsed, critical, upset or worried about me.

Sigh.

I sat there in the dark theater with 76 Trombones and a full stage of young actors belting their hearts out joyfully, able to simultaneously ask myself….it just sprang up really….

Who would I be without the thought that my daughter should like me? Or be one ounce different than she is?

How about those other people in my life who on the rare occasion have criticized, had a less-than-fabulous opinion, or cut off communication with me?

Who would I be without the thought that it should be different?

Quite stunning to think of this, to really imagine it with love, to develop the picture, to fill out the whole experience of allowing them all to hate me as much as they want.

As if I could control any of it.

And then….in the theater, I noticed in the story on stage that the main character Professor Harold Hill was having a transformation. He was noticing that he was enjoying, and touched, by the people around him. He was not interested in ditching and running as he always had before.

“My foot never got caught in the door before!” he exclaims on stage.

On his way out, something caught his attention. He discovered that people were aware of his limitations and false intentions and foibles,and they loved him anyway!

What if that person DOES like you? Even if it doesn’t appear that they do? What if you lived that turnaround?

“When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.” ~Byron Katie

I relaxed and stopped the distancing. I noticed how connected I felt to that darling girl, who observes so much about me.

This morning she brought me breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day. At the crack of dawn (knowing I’m an early riser, she set her alarm).

“The point is that our true nature is not some ideal that we have to live up to. It’s who we are right now, and that’s what we can make friends with and celebrate.” ~ Pema Chodron 

Much love, Grace

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Your Mother Won’t Change For You To Be Happy

One of the most important people anyone can do the Work on, it seems, is Mother. Whether our mother was around a lot when we were young, or not, the thoughts about our experience of our own mothers are extensive, repetitive, and often NOT original.

You may notice that even just considering your mother, you feel deflated, bored, or irritated.“Not that topic again, I’ve worked on her enough…I’ve handled that relationship…too late now.”

Perhaps it’s true that you’ve already considered a great deal around your mother, and softened or accepted her presence in your life, and the fact that it’s over.

But whatever is unresolved may also come bite you in the butt, to put it mildly.

Like when I agreed to participate in a project in my community to assist a certain population in need and bring my talents at helping people in addictive cycles to overcome them. This was a few years ago.

Someone else also participating in the project, it turned out, DROVE ME NUTS. She reminded me of my mother. My childhood mother, the mother of my projections (who no longer actually exists). This is not the way I currently experience my actual living mother, but this woman triggered me like no one else had in a long time.

She made me want to SCREAM.

  • she hovers over me like a helicopter
  • she should stop looking at me, focusing on me
  • she should stop being so happy, nicey-nice, and fake Martha Stewart
  • she should stop handing out cards, presents and trinkets to everyone all the time (gag)
  • she should stop peppering me with personal questions
  • she is insecure! fishing for compliments!
  • she is too sensitive
  • she shouldn’t talk about me behind my back
  • SHE SHOULD STOP COMPLAINING

Sometimes when physically approaching a meeting with all the project leaders, I would feel like my face would look like I smelled something bad. And I wasn’t even in the same room with her yet.

Now that is some reaction! Hmmmm, could something interesting be going on, I wonder?

I knew it was time to take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. And answer every single question, very slowly, very carefully.

First of all, what was actually upsetting me? (See list above to begin with). Why should someone else, behaving in just that way, be so incredibly irritating? What was frightening me? I knew I only got riled up like this when I was scared.

I found I was very frightened of her judgments. I heard her complaints and comments about other people and it made me nervous. I was on alert. I got quiet around her. I felt like she was watching my every move with hyper-critical attention. I could be condemned, advised, ordered, or pushed at any second. I could make a mistake.

Gosh. Who did that sound like, something was so familiar. OH! That would be me. Just part of me, mind you, that VOICE. The mean one.

Next, what did I really WANT from this woman? What did I NEED from her in order to be happy? This is key to the process. What do I really think I want or need from that person TO BE HAPPY?

I needed to be able to trust her. To know she cared about me. I wanted her to like me, to be kind, to stop saying cruel things or mean things about other people (which only meant she could say them about me). I wanted her to stop calling other various people “bad” people or “evil” people. She was saying disparaging things about the people we were trying to help.

The thing is….I clammed up, shut down, started judging her like crazy. It was like a huge alarm was going off with blinking red lights in an office building, huge, crushing, ear-splitting sounds.

But the I did The Work. She should tell me directly what she is concerned or upset about. She should stop complaining. She should tell the truth. Turned around: I should tell her directly what I am concerned or upset about. I should stop complaining about her. I should tell the truth.

With a beating heart and red face and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I asked her if I could talk with her privately one day after a meeting. You would think someone just announced that a war had broken out and we all needed to get to safety ASAP.

I told her how I felt, and I apologized for my part if I had bothered her.

She looked at me with suspicion. She said something like “well, we’ll see”. She appeared disapproving. There was a long uncomfortable silence.

That was when I learned that there can be no expectation of outcome when questioning deeply help beliefs.

She should now be kind and open, since I’ve spilled my guts? No. She should be cool now and chill out? No.

This work is for the love of Truth. And for discovering that NO ONE HAS TO CHANGE ANYTHING in order for YOU to be happy.

Even your mother.

Love, Grace

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Mothers!

A reader recently wrote me to ask if I could write something about my experience with doing The Work on Mothers.

The idea of MOTHER is so loaded with concepts that are stressful, you may have noticed!

We have such strong, broad ideas about what mothers are supposed to be when they are good mothers: kind, generous, loving, giving, gentle, caring, powerful, protective, playful, patient, resourceful, thoughtful, good communicators, evolving, aware.

Does any mother actually ever live up to the ideal image? I have had the thought that if I did The Work on only my own mother, that is all I would need to reach understanding with all relationships in this world.

Then with mothers who have a lot of the most “beautiful” qualities, there are even more concepts to question if you long for them now that you’re an adult, you want or need her, you miss her if she’s passed on.

Byron Katie has said that she did the Work on her own mother for three years. It doesn’t matter how often or what that looked like to me, somehow I love that she speaks of this time of questioning her beliefs about “mother” for a long time, on-going, continuing until it was done.

Katie says “the teacher you need is the person you’re living with”.  

The most amazing thing for me is realizing how many years I spent in first, adopting the beliefs that my mother innocently also adopted from her own life….and then blaming my mother for being herself.

And surely my life could have been better if my mother had been different!!

  • Mom should be kind and never get angry
  • Mom shouldn’t care too much about my feelings, that’s co-dependent
  • Mom does not communicate clearly
  • Mom gets into my business too often
  • Mom has too many opinions about food and health
  • Mom is too bossy
  • Mom is too apologetic

The list may seem long and endless for what you believe about your mother.

So many thoughts! How will I get through them all!??!

Just start with one. Think of the situation where you really believed the thought was true. Return to this situation over and over in your mind as you answer the four questions. See that scene in your mind, keep returning to it. It’s good to be facilitated so you stay on track.

The mind is tricky and it will love finding proof for your concept in other, different situations. Wait! But that other time, my mom was REALLY bossy, everyone would agree! If you only knew the story, this is what she did….

Stop!!! Go back to the first situation you thought of. Stay with THAT situation.

The mind loves to skip around like a flat pebble on a smooth lake. And mothers are a Big Lake full of concepts! Even if you didn’t have a mother around, there is a whole list of concepts about what’s wrong with her that she wasn’t there.

Just begin with one concept today. One simple concept that feels true and painful. You never know how questioning concepts about “mother” could bring incredible freedom into your present experience.

If your mother was a particularly difficult person and you notice you have a lot of beliefs about her and how that hurt, come along to the next relationships telecourse starting on Tuesdays. Bring your concepts about “mother”.

She is the perfect teacher for you, that mother that you have, whether still in your life or apparently never there—she’s in your mind!