A reader recently wrote me to ask if I could write something about my experience with doing The Work on Mothers.
The idea of MOTHER is so loaded with concepts that are stressful, you may have noticed!
We have such strong, broad ideas about what mothers are supposed to be when they are good mothers: kind, generous, loving, giving, gentle, caring, powerful, protective, playful, patient, resourceful, thoughtful, good communicators, evolving, aware.
Does any mother actually ever live up to the ideal image? I have had the thought that if I did The Work on only my own mother, that is all I would need to reach understanding with all relationships in this world.
Then with mothers who have a lot of the most “beautiful” qualities, there are even more concepts to question if you long for them now that you’re an adult, you want or need her, you miss her if she’s passed on.
Byron Katie has said that she did the Work on her own mother for three years. It doesn’t matter how often or what that looked like to me, somehow I love that she speaks of this time of questioning her beliefs about “mother” for a long time, on-going, continuing until it was done.
Katie says “the teacher you need is the person you’re living with”.
The most amazing thing for me is realizing how many years I spent in first, adopting the beliefs that my mother innocently also adopted from her own life….and then blaming my mother for being herself.
And surely my life could have been better if my mother had been different!!
- Mom should be kind and never get angry
- Mom shouldn’t care too much about my feelings, that’s co-dependent
- Mom does not communicate clearly
- Mom gets into my business too often
- Mom has too many opinions about food and health
- Mom is too bossy
- Mom is too apologetic
The list may seem long and endless for what you believe about your mother.
So many thoughts! How will I get through them all!??!
Just start with one. Think of the situation where you really believed the thought was true. Return to this situation over and over in your mind as you answer the four questions. See that scene in your mind, keep returning to it. It’s good to be facilitated so you stay on track.
The mind is tricky and it will love finding proof for your concept in other, different situations. Wait! But that other time, my mom was REALLY bossy, everyone would agree! If you only knew the story, this is what she did….
Stop!!! Go back to the first situation you thought of. Stay with THAT situation.
The mind loves to skip around like a flat pebble on a smooth lake. And mothers are a Big Lake full of concepts! Even if you didn’t have a mother around, there is a whole list of concepts about what’s wrong with her that she wasn’t there.
Just begin with one concept today. One simple concept that feels true and painful. You never know how questioning concepts about “mother” could bring incredible freedom into your present experience.
If your mother was a particularly difficult person and you notice you have a lot of beliefs about her and how that hurt, come along to the next relationships telecourse starting on Tuesdays. Bring your concepts about “mother”.
She is the perfect teacher for you, that mother that you have, whether still in your life or apparently never there—she’s in your mind!