Have you ever noticed that anticipation can be very exciting and fun…..or very nauseating and difficult? The exciting kind reminds me of when child has waited for a birthday party for weeks and now is the day!
Yippee! Hands clapping! Can’t wait! I’m right on the edge of happiness, relief, fun, celebration, satisfaction!
Baited breath! I’m about to get what I REALLY WANT!
I remember starting to date a man at one time….well, OK, this happened with several (I confess!) and noticing that I was waiting for the next time I would see him, or hear from him, or receive a phone call from him.
I wonder if he’ll call today, I wonder if he’s thinking of me like I am thinking of him, I wonder if we’ll get together this weekend, I wonder if this will continue for awhile, I wonder if he’s a good match for me overall, I wonder wonder wonder.
There was a moment when I needed to go to the bathroom and I turned back as I left my bedroom to get my cell phone, to take it with me to the bathroom! What if he called while I stepped away for 5 minutes! OMG!
I couldn’t miss that call! I wanted that call! I’m about to get what I want, I hope!!
As I looked at the bathroom floor where I put my cell phone while there, it dawned on me that this moment, here now, I was not relaxed, happy, enjoying my own company. I was filled with the thought “I NEED HIM TO CALL ME”.
This was not the way I wanted to live my life, not the way I wanted to live this moment.
I saw myself and how attached I was to hope for this thing happening. What the heck was I doing?
When this moment, the one right here now, is less than perfect, anticipation has a little more “weight” to it. Pun intended.
The anticipation has a “wait” to it that is full of feeling: hope, anxiety, frustration, intensity, demand.
And when THIS moment is VERY imperfect. Like excruciating, uncomfortable, disappointing, boring or harsh….then the anticipation might be more desperate.
Everyone has experienced having to wait for something and having the thought “I can’t wait! I hate this!” Waiting for this bad feeling to be eliminated, waiting for relief, waiting for a once-in-a-lifetime event, waiting for end of the work day, waiting for the bottle of alcohol.
Waiting for whatever you think will take you out of Now, that will be better than Now.
It’s going to be better later, once I have the information, glass of wine, free time, sex, happy feelings, extra cash, new house, different job, phone call.
I knew I needed to do The Work, in that moment of awareness. I needed to question the thought “I need him to call me.”
Right here, right now, under the influence of Waiting, something within us is absent.
Eckhart Tolle and many other spiritual teachers talk about our peace being in this present moment. Now. So simple, but when thinking the thought of the future…there is NO peace in this present moment.
So what is happening when Now is full of images of me almost getting what I want, when Now is not as good as it will be later?
First, I notice that this Now (that is not as good as it will be) feels small. I’m not aware of everything that is happening here. It’s hard to pay attention to this moment, actually, I’m very distracted about the future possibilities.
I find one of my favorite questions is “what is making me feel this way?”
It can be hard to find out. A wonderful doorway in to reaching this awareness is to identify what we’re thinking, believing or repeating to ourselves over and over.
HOLY COW we can be thinking volumes of stressful thoughts, beliefs, ideas. How can we possibly narrow it all down?
By slowing down, sifting and and sorting. Trusting that you will know. Identifying the most obvious stressful belief…the one on top.
This is one of my favorite parts of the one-to-one counseling relationship, by the way, when a therapeutic relationship can be so incredibly useful. A counselor or therapist can help ask the most effective questions, can help capture them, make them known.
Those years ago, when I took the phone into the bathroom with me and saw myself suddenly and the discomfort of that moment, the next thing I did was go to my couch with a pen and paper.
I wrote down “I need him to call me”.
I asked myself if it was true. Really? Do I really need that? No, chuckle…of course not! I’m fine! Breathing, alive.
Do I need him to call me for my emotional happiness? Is that what I need? Absolutely not true. Wow.
How I react when I think I need or want something that is NOT happening right now is not very peaceful, that’s for sure.
Without the thought that I need this thing, that I want it (you fill in the blank) then what would your experience be instead? What do you notice?
Without the thought that I want something or need something to be happy (or happier) then his moment is bigger, richer, fuller. I see much more right here. I am so much more aware. I hear sounds, see colors, notice the furniture in the room. I feel my own body, I am more alive.
I turn the thought around “I do not need him to call me”. I sit with that concept and find examples of how this is true.
Could it be true that you do not need, or even want, what you thought you wanted? Is it possible that what you want is present here, now? Or that it’s fine if the things you think you want are NOT here right now?
What did I want, for example, back in that moment so long ago? Connection, attention, love, laughter, flirtation, fun, happiness, adventure.
Do I have to have these things RIGHT NOW in order to have a good life?
No. In fact, things go up and down, life is not static. It flows. In and out, life and death, here and gone, back and forth.
Not always trying to get to the “good” parts or “high” parts or away from the “bad” parts of the journey is such a relief. So much less pressure, no pushing or pulling. Less waiting. Maybe no waiting at all. Here, now.
“Hoping for something in the future disconnects you from who you really are. The orientation of expectation or of having a goal to accomplish does the same thing. For example, you may be thinking that one of these days, you are going to be enlightened, so you are working at it now. Light would never think that way; it doesn’t posit an end state in which everything is going to be wonderful, and it doesn’t say that we have to practice now in order to get to that goal. For light, that is completely nonsensical; there is just now. Now is just wonderful the way it is, and now is all that we have.”~A. H. Almaas in The Unfolding Now
After that day noticing my phone in the bathroom with me…I stopped taking my phone everywhere. I discovered that what I really wanted was to be here, with me, in my own company, not waiting.
What I notice I really want is awareness of what is present here with me RIGHT NOW. This feels like what I can do, I can’t wait for all that other stuff to change so that I can be happier. I notice something is off when I am waiting for someone to call.
“I need me to call myself right now.” Yes, that turnaround is the most true.
Ring Ring Ring—Hello Grace? This is Grace! WOW! I’ve been meaning to sit with you and have a really good talk.…
Love, Grace