The topic of sexuality and sexual expression fills a lot of the human race with resistance, anxiety, repulsion or anger.
So much so, that I almost don’t want to write about it, even though it’s one of my favorite topics and I love assisting people through their beliefs about it in individual sessions and teleclasses. I love where I’ve landed after doing The Work on tons of concepts around sexuality.
Some people will actually think “I prefer not to think about sex, talk about sex, be aware of sex, or be concerned about sex! Ever!”
It’s like we’re talking about something very painful, or sick, or confusing. So let’s just sweep it under the rug .
Or more like, bury it 20 feet under the ground with no markers for where it is, just in case we get the wild thought to dig it up some day.
Many people grow up in families that felt both interested in sexuality and its expression, and confused or against sexuality in varying degrees.
There are many revolving rules, attempts to control sex, do’s and don’t’s:
- only have sex with one person and don’t ever switch or change your mind
- focus on pleasing the other not yourself
- don’t talk about sex too much, don’t use “crude” sex words
- don’t even think or fantasize about others if you’re in a committed relationship
- if you really, really want sex with someone, you won’t feel satisfied until you have it!
- there’s something wrong with you if you don’t know what you really want
- there’s something wrong with you if you’re SURE you know what you want
- keep doing it even if you don’t get that much out of it, because your partner wants it, and they may not stay with you if you don’t!
- stay away from those nasty, sicko, creepy people who are violent, who use porn, who are attracted to children
- don’t say No because that might hurt someone
- don’t say Yes because that might hurt someone
- have sex with strangers or people you don’t have to talk with much
- you must make sure you are attractive if you want sex
- it is possible to be unattractive
- only have sex with people you “love” (whatever that means)
- get sex from the internet or pictures or paid venues—no strings attached that way, no need to care about anyone but yourself
- banish sex from your interests because its too complicated
- be very careful when it comes to anything having to do with sex…careful careful careful!
- control yourself!!!
Not only do we have all kinds of alarm about our own sexual feelings, but we’re often terrified of other people’s sexual feelings, or their LACK of sexual feelings.
Good/Bad…Right/Wrong…Yes/No…Turned On/Turned Off…Passionate/Bored
Just a small gesture, a tiny comment, a look or raised eyebrow can set our minds off into thinking “WHAT DID THAT MEAN?!”
We think we know what it means. Or we don’t want to risk finding out what it means—too scary (which is the same as thinking we know what it means).
Even though sexuality seems so fraught with nerve-wracking thoughts and feelings…..really, this amazing topic is about communicating, just like talking.
Humans making contact with other humans.
Just like every other situation, our thoughts that feel uncomfortable, fearful or disgusted about sex are temple bells ringing, saying “ding-a-ling! This is bothering you! Time for inquiry!”
When I was younger, I absolutely believed that if I felt sexual, I was playing with fire. Dangerous territory. Gross. Yet I continued to feel sexual. It would just appear. Like most people!
I didn’t even ask more thoroughly WHY this might be dangerous….the explanation that you can get pregnant (horrifying) or get diseases or have a bad reputation were the obvious repeated reasons. Those things were all assumed to be BAD BAD BAD.
Basically, my parents wouldn’t approve. Or my grandparents. And probably not their grandparents either. Or my family religion. Or my neighbors, friends, or their parents.
One little problem was that my grandfather appeared to be interested in sex. Most kids notice SOMEONE who is more blatant about sexuality. Or they see a sign on a building that says GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS and they learn not to ask about it.
So, apparently sex is allowed, but only over there for those people, hidden away.
Something was DEFINITELY wrong with my grandpa, that was obvious. He had Playboy magazines and a baseball hat that had written on it “dirty old men need love too”.
Jeez, didn’t he get it? Was he stupid or something? Why would he subject himself to ridicule or admit he was interested in THAT?
I was already filled with moral judgment about the wrongness of his behavior.
When someone is particularly forceful…when they do very intense things like rape, molest, abuse, spend tons of money in the sex industry, chase, manipulate, or physically control others, we often cast them into hell in our minds.
There is nothing wrong with staying away from people who scare you, this is not a weird test of learning to handle everything, but every area of pain offers amazing opportunity for expansion of the mind. Freedom from fear, attack, judgment, condemnation. Genuine acceptance. Including sexuality.
“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare—it looks forward to it.~ Byron Katie
I have found that to question my rules about others and about sex, I find great peace with my own experiences; my feelings, what happened to me (which is now over), what I invited, what I thought I wanted, how I live now.
It is absolutely incredible to not have to reject, rebel, fight against, feel enraged, push, long for, control, or suppress what I’m thinking or feeling.
It seems that what has occurred, by having troubling experiences and then bringing them to inquiry and dropping the rules and judgments, is that sexual expression for me is entirely clear, fun, happy, passionate, awake and wonderful.
Anyone can do it. All you need is a pen and paper and then to start writing down all your beliefs that produce anger, resentment, dischord, or fear in you.
Go ahead and pull back the rug and let’s clean it up under there. Let’s dig up the beliefs that have been buried underground so deep.
This is just inquiry, it doesn’t mean to take action, or do anything at all for that matter. This is about watching, observing, noticing and staying with yourself, to find out the truth, for you, before anyone taught you anything.
In fact, it may be most peaceful NOT to do anything, except inquiry.
“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.”~Tao Te Ching #2
If you’re ready to do this in a group setting, with guidance, then join Our Wonderful Sexuality this week, there is one space left for the Thursday evening group.
If you’re not ready for a group….go for it on your own. You can free yourself with your own answers…and potentially change your entire life.